I’m Tired of Lying to Myself About My Bipolar Disorder
I lie to myself about bipolar. I lie to myself about everything being fine. I lie to myself about the next day being a clean slate and possibly a beautiful one. I lie to myself about the possibility of falling in love. I lie to myself that the bipolar isn’t that bad. I just lie and lie and lie and lie.
The Lies About Bipolar
The lies I tell myself about bipolar are all about my life and possibility of getting better, or, at least, my life getting better. Bipolar has, after all, demolished parts of it. The lies about bipolar are about my pain today, my pain tomorrow, and my pain the next day. My lies about bipolar are about what I can do and what my goals can be. My lies about bipolar are the lies I tell myself to pretend I can be like other people.
An Example of a Bipolar Lie
I met this girl. And I felt something. This virtually never happens to me. I walk through this world not being attracted to people. I assume it’s the depression, the bipolar, the medication’s influence on my brain.
But this girl broke through that for some reason. For some reason, I really enjoyed talking to her. For some reason when I talked to her I felt the tiniest spark. I felt like I want to know her more. I even wanted to give her my number. I thought to myself, “Maybe we could date.” (What the hell was that about?)
And then, this morning, I was making coffee and I realized something: I would be a very bad girlfriend. I realized I would have the most difficult of times trying to wedge another human being into my life. I realized the games I would have to play in my own brain to act in a way another human would find acceptable would be exhausting. I realized that as much as one person has said they loved me in spite of, and even because of, my bipolar, that is impossible to expect again. Who would love this? I don’t love this. I hate this.
Why Lie About Bipolar?
It’s obvious why I lie about bipolar to myself. I lie to myself to get through the day. If I didn’t think that tomorrow had the possibility of being better what would be the point of following all the rules of today? What would be the point in anything?
The lies I tell myself are critical, and I know it. But I’m so tired of them. I’m so tired of what I have to say over and over to myself just in order to survive. What do other people tell themselves? I’m sure they say things to themselves that aren’t true, too. But so many things? Just to get through the day? I think only people in extreme pain have to do that.
I’m Tired of the Lying About Bipolar
I’m just tired. I’m tired of so many things. I’m tired of the reality of this disease. I’m tired of the effect it has on my life. I’m just so very tired.
[Interesting note: I hesitated in posting this piece today because someone told me I was too depressing. But then I realized that reality is reality and if someone finds it depressing, that’s really their problem. I get that this reality sucks, but sometimes reality does. That’s a bit beyond my control.]
Image by Flickr user What What.
About Natasha Tracy
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.