I wrote a rather popular piece a while back called A Damaged Brain and a Mind Trying to Deal with It. If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this before as it’s part of my bio. If not, then it might be the first time you’ve heard that turn of phrase.
Commenter Reply
And recently a commenter replied:
I do not believe in this mind/body duality. I believe that you are your body.
OK, no problem. I don’t expect everyone to agree on such things. I have nothing invested in making the world agree with me.
But the thing is, I know there is a brain-mind separation. And how do I know this? Perspective. It’s your free gift with a purchase of 10 or more years of bipolar disorder.
Perspective and Bipolar Disorder
And when I say perspective, I mean the life-death-end-of-the-world-meaning-of-the-universe kind of perspective that you get when you have to look death in the face for a few years. It really makes you think about things. Or it eats you. If you haven’t been eaten there’s a good chance it’s because you thought a lot about it.
And I have thought a lot about life; and the mind-brain separation was clear for me long before I could articulate it. The mind-brain separation, after all, is a metaphor. I didn’t always know the metaphor.
The Mind-Brain Split
So to put it into a much-used computer metaphor, your mind is like a computer and your brain is like the information it receives. You input data into the computer and the computer magically turns that into a dancing robot or the 295th decimal of pi or your proximity to Starbucks or something. In this case the input is everything that you sense, experience and remember, and the dancing robot is what you do about it. How you handle it. It turns information into power. It turns data into knowledge. It’s perfectly acceptable to smell popcorn and to have that remind you of your fifth birthday party but someone has to make the executive decision not to eat all the Orville Redenbacher’s in the grocery store.
But, of course, popcorn isn’t what’s weighing on the mind of a bipolar. No, usually the pain of having to keep breathing is what’s weighing on the mind of someone with a mental illness. And that’s considerably more complicated than popcorn.
Thinking About Thinking
And so, one wonders – what has kept one from committing suicide all this time?
It isn’t the brain.
And I know it isn’t the brain because my brain tends to be in unimaginable amounts of pain and sickness. If it were up to my brain, I would have been dead a long time ago simply to extinguish the pain.
And I know a lot of people feel that way.
But I’m not dead and I’m not dead because it isn’t that simple. It’s not simply a matter of extinguishing pain, a body, a heartbeat. Nope. There’s something else connected there. Something with perspective.
Something with the perspective to understand the pain and live through it anyway. There’s a higher consciousness. There’s some sort of enlightenment there. To continue to exist in a state that tends to induce agony.
As the commenter mentioned, some people may think I’m speaking of a soul. I’m not. At least, not particularly. I’m not concerned with everlasting life or the great beyond, I’m just worried about the here and the now. And the here and the now is governed by more than neurons and synapses. Ask anyone that believes in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the Mind-Brain Split
Essentially, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) expects you to take note of your own input, and then do some machinations before delivering the output. It’s expecting you to interpret your brain by using your mind – a higher state of consciousness – but they don’t put it that way, which is fine. They’re concerned about the application more than the metaphor. That’s OK; that’s the one that matters for most people anyway.
But make no mistake about it, these people readily expect you to split your consciousness in order to interrupt the way you normally do things and to try and interpret things in a more functional way.
I Still Don’t Agree. There Is No Mind-Brain Split.
Okay. If you say so.
But in my experience you have to be at least a bit of a philosopher to see it; it’s unsurprising that some people don’t. You have to have been pushed into seeing it through your life experiences. You have to want to see it and work really hard at seeing it. It doesn’t tend to just jump off the shelf and hit you.
You pay a lot for this kind of perspective. But the good news is it’s free with your purchase of any serious, longstanding mental illness. It might not be worth what you paid for it but you should probably play with it anyway.
I agree with this completely. The brain is just an organ – a very complex organ. I believe that all of our thoughts and actions come from our mind. We don’t have much control over our brain besides just generally trying to be healthy with good diet and exercise, but we have a lot of control over our minds. I think if we improve the health of our minds, the health of our brains can improve too. Our minds can teach our brains what to do. It is very hard to express this well.
My father is Bi-polar and a paranoid schizophrenic. Throughout every second of my life I feel the effects of these mental illnesses manifesting in my mind slowly over time. I would like to consider myself an attractive guy, but there’s no way I could handle being in a relationship because of the leaps and bounds my mind runs to. I broke up with the girl that I thought was the love of my life because I couldn’t handle any conflict we had. I am too crazy. This may sound ridiculous to people, but I have only found one escape.
Rap music. Not only listening to artists like Eminem, but also other darker artists. I also write and record my own music. I just recently started. When I’m on the microphone I can literally feel the demon inside of me being released.
The disorder keeps me awake throughout the night. Writing lyrics that a majority of society would look at as something evil. I can’t help it. I will admit I have written poetry other than evil stuff, but a lot of it is very harsh and down. I have yet to write something that is happy, or fun.
I am writing this because I feel that if someone with these mental illnesses finds something to be creative with, they can find a release. If you’re reading this, I would advise you to search for something that releases your demons.
Goodluck,
Alex.
Thanks for that, Alex. About 4 years and your comment made me not feel so lonely because I listen to rap music to feel better too but I don’t think I’m creative most of the time.. I’m still trying to find something to release my demons into it. hahaha :)
Thank god I found this site. I have been looking for something or someone who would make me believe that i’m not the only one in the world who sees pink as green.
This blog is the only proof that my thoughts about the world are real, Only that there’s the MAJORITY of the people (not the people itself) which made these thoughts peculiar.
Pleased and glad to meet you people!
Natasha-
I am so thankful to have stumbled across your blog. I have had the pleasure of reading over some of your entries, and I can relate to all of them! It’s such a wonderful feeling to be reminded I’m not alone in this!
I am a 24 year old woman with bipolar type 1. I find myself concerned about potential romantic relationships. I struggle believing any man would be able to accept that I have this mental illness when I reveal it to him, let alone, be able to live with all that comes along with my mania/depression/psychosis. My counselor has assured me people with mental illnesses find loving partners. I just cannot wrap around that could ever be the case for me! Do you have any advice or previously published blog entries about this?
Hi Kimberly,
Ah, I have thought about that so many times.
Yes, I’ve written about it. Off the top of my head:
Here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2013/02/have-bipolar-will-anyone-love-me/
and
here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2014/02/should-people-bipolar-relationships/
I hope that helps.
– Natasha Tracy
Judy,
My confidence took a huge hit before it got better. The first time I got off of medication I had 9 months of depression ending in an enlightening spiritual experience, followed a few days later by the most terrifying and painful experience of my life. I thought I was in hell and would never get out. It was like there were a thousand knives piercing through my body. It was the most physically and emotionally painful experience I’ve ever had, by a factor of perhaps 10, perhaps 10,000 – its hard to quantify.
I never intended to get off of meds after that. I was much to scared, and felt much safer with the notion that this would never happen again if I kept a therepeutic level of lithium in my body. But somehow I convinced myself to stop taking them three and a half years later after a bad knee injury. I wanted to take ibuprofin for my knee, but the lithium label said not to take ibuprofin with lithium. Little did I know at the time, I had severed the ACL in my knee, so it didn’t get bett, and one day without lithium turned into seven. At the end of the seven days, I had an amazing spirtual experience. This was followed a few days later by another incredibly awful experience. The difference between this awful experience and the last one was that this one was cyclical. I felt myself falling into hell, but never felt I arrived there, as I had felt I had three years earlier. Instead, things got better for a little while. Then, moments later, I felt myself falling into hell again. But I didn’t come nearly as close as I had in the previous few moments. Then I cycled out of it again. Then I fell again, but not as close as the previous time. I realized: things keep getting better and better! I realized I would never suffer like I had in the past. My fear of repeating the hell experience left me. Along with this came a strong desire to come off of the medication.
It didn’t happen at first. It took three more years to get to the point that I stopped taking all psych meds in 2009. Its now beeen over four years since I’ve done so. All of my issues are not gone, but I am sping far better. There is so much more to say. It comes to mind that I wrote some of my story on my aunt’s blog a little over a year ago. I thought I’d post the link here. I love sharing this stuff in the hope it can help someone. Or perhaps it will spark a comment that will help me. I want to learn more. I feel there is so much more I can learn about living with the hardware I’ve been given. I think we all can.
http://mieuxprevenir.blogspot.com/2011/11/bipolar-disorder-without-medication.html?m=1
Isn’t it interesting how our experience is the exact opposite? I read Szasz and avoided medication only to find that it helped me, and you started off with meds only to stop. Guess it goes to show we’re all different.
Well – here’s to health!
Hi Dave,
I read Thomas Szasz years ago and his work is the primary reason I refused to take medication for a very long time. I was first plagued by the black dog around the end of high school and suffered numerous “ups and downs” since. At first it did not impair my life; however, my symptoms progressively worsened. Like you, I sought out therapists that did not push medication. A pattern emerged where I would see a therapist when depressed, and would abruptly stop when I “felt better”.
Long story short, in the end things did get bad and medication proved to be the only thing that could pull me out. I feel I wasted alot of time and energy that perhaps wouldn’t have been wasted if I had simply accepted the right (for me) help. I do believe that diet, exercise, a spiritual outlook and practice, etc. can help, but I no longer think of it as a standalone solution. I believe because I threw so much effort into the medication-free approach and still suffered from episodes, that my confidence actually took a hit.
I do wonder why medication works for some but not others? There is no real, solid answer to this. But what we can take from this is we are all trying our best. We can’t and shouldn’t knock others for exploring options that we may be vehemently against. That approach just might work for them.
Responding to Laura regarding perspectives seperating true being from diagnosis and symptoms, I would recommend writings by Thomas Szasz and Peter Breggin, the psychiatrist, who argue pretty persuasively that, in short, psychiatric diagnoses such as bipolar disorder and others, and the recommendations on treatment that often come with such diagnoses in the world of psychiatry are overall not helpful to those diagnosed as such. I was diagnosed bipolar I in 1999 and, at various times since then, have been told that I would have to be on medcication for bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. Fortunately, after reading guys like Szasz and Breggin, reading testimonials about people with such diagnoses thriving without medication, seeing a psychologist myself who believes in the potential for folks with my diagnosis to thrive without such medication (Dr. Eric Riss based in Manhattan who has a website that sums up his approach), and having a few friends who believed the same for me convinced me that I didn’t have to accept the recommendations for treatment that I was given by psychiatrists. Since then, I have also found a wife who has supported me in living free from medication, and, in fact, since my engagement to her and subsequent marriage, I have been without medication now for over four years. What is more, while before this time I had hallucinations that three times led to hospitalization for a “manic” episode, for the last four years plus I have not. Also, while before this time I experienced periods of depression where I hated life lasting for up to 9 months at a time, for the last four years plus my feeling of depression, when present, lasted only hours, and then went away. And there have been relativly few of these short bursts of depression in the last four years. My initial hope for success by finding authors who believed in success without medication for diagnoses of bipolar disorder in general, and by finding people in my own life who believed I could find personal success, and my subsequent success in living happily medication free has certainly served to “separate diagnosis from true being.” I no longer like to even use the term “bipolar disorder,” as I think in today’s world, it carries the connotation of needing medication to correct imbalances. I wholeheartedly believe that in the long run, it was the best course of action for me to try to navigate my bipolar-related symptoms without psychotropic medication. I’m not saying that everybody with this diagnosis should attempt this now, but I am saying that it was possible for me to do so, and extremely rewarding, and I am happy to continue to share my experiences and happy to learn more about these matters myself. After going through the hell I went through and finding the light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t think of too many things I would like to do more than to help people out of their own hells, and also dialogue with the intent of learning how to better navigate these issues, to the point where I’m not only helping people out of their hells, but I’m also experiencing more of heaven myself, and hopefully eventually others to do the same.
Thank you Natasha for providing the opportunity for people to dialogue about these issues.
– Dave
Responding to Laura regarding perspectives seperating true being from diagnosis and symptoms, I would recommend writings by Thomas Szasz and Peter Breggin, the psychiatrist, who argue pretty persuasively that, in short, psychiatric diagnoses such as bipolar disorder and others, and the recommendations on treatment that often come with such diagnoses in the world of psychiatry are overall not helpful to those diagnosed as such. I was diagnosed bipolar I in 1999 and, at various times since then, have been told that I would have to be on medcication for bipolar I for the rest of my life. Fortunately, after reading guys like Szasz and Breggin, reading testimonials about people with such diagnoses thriving without medication, seeing a psychologist myself who believes in the potential for folks with my diagnosis to thrive without such medication (Dr. Eric Riss based in Manhattan), and having a few friends who believed the same for me convinced me that I didn’t have to accept the. Recommendations for treatment that I was given by psychiatrists. Since then, I have also found a wife who has supported me in living free from medication, and, in fact, since my engagement to her and subsequent marriage, I have been without medication, now for the last four years.
I completely agree. However, faith does play a big role in the path towards enlightenment. Most people think of it as a religious term (believing), but I see it as acceptance. Faith is the ability to let go and to allow things to be what they are. We’re all contributing to each others energies…that includes the universe.
“You don’t look out there for God, something in the sky, you look in you.” -Alan Watts
Hi -Thanks for article! I’m looking for others who have taken CBT, DBT, metaphysics, enlightenment, living in the now type tools and perspectives to good use or any other kind of results in separating their person/true being from the diagnosis and symptoms. I’ve had a lot of experience not connected with bipolar specifically and now am interested to hear what others who have a BP diagnosis and are working along these lines are experiencing.
I believe that some of the misunderstandings may be due to the terminological confusion often surrounding this issue. I recommend the following posts by the Manchester Psychiatry Society nicely summarising the debate on the mind-brain problem:
1) In Search of the Mind: An Introduction to the Hard Problem of Consciousness – Part one: http://mancpsychsoc.blogspot.no/2012/02/in-search-of-mind-introduction-to-hard.html
2) In Search of the Mind: An Introduction to the Hard Problem of Consciousness – Part Two: http://mancpsychsoc.blogspot.no/2012/05/in-search-of-mind-introduction-to-hard.html
(And two bonus posts on the problems associated with the computer metaphor: http://mancpsychsoc.blogspot.no/2012/05/mind-some-problems-with-classical.html and http://mancpsychsoc.blogspot.no/2012/05/mind-some-problems-with-classical_19.html)
For those of you with plenty of free time on your hands I heartily recommend a series of lectures – 27 in total – by John Searle on the theory of mind: http://itunes.apple.com/us/itunes-u/philosophy-132-001-spring/id496112938
What you’re talking about is a matter of faith and belief systems. Some people believe in invisible pink unicorns, others a flying spaghetti monster, and yet others argue believing in a flying spaghetti monster when in fact they believe there’s no such thing.
Different people do and don’t think about suicide, let alone the different points available up to attempting or succeeding. As long as someone’s alive, there’s hope…regardless what others believe in.
I JohnC,
I actually don’t think it’s a matter of faith as I’m not sure I have any of that. It’s not a matter of what you believe, it’s a matter of experiencing your thoughts and the processes you go through on a daily basis.
It’s not about “hope” as people who understand the dichotomy die just as dead as anyone else, it’s just about a greater understanding and enlightenment.
– Natasha Tracy
…right. :)
To me, this is really a philosophical difference rather than a scientific issue. I believe the more my mind is separated from my brain, my body or from the rest of the world for that matter, the sicker I am. Some would say that if one accomplishes the objective of getting rid of the dichotomy, one can become far healthier than before doing so but perhaps not as healthy as others. The sickest people have a mind that is completely separated from the world including being separated from its own brain and its own body.
H Carl,
Yes, it’s an issue of philosophy, but I don’t think that makes it irrelevant or unimportant.
I actually don’t agree that the mind being farther away from the body indicates illness. Perhaps it does for you, but I’m not sure it does in general.
I would say that the sickest people have the sickest _brains_ not minds. Their minds are simply reacting to all the bad information being received from their very sick brain.
– Natasha Tracy
Of course there’s a difference, next question?
Hi David,
Perhaps obvious to you but not obvious for many.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m God_Loves_You2 on Twitter. I know mind and brain ate two different thingd. No question about it. I would have siced my femoral in a heartbeat if my brain only worried about it. My mind reminded me there were people who needed me. So now I RT things that will help everyone who follows me.
Hi Bill,
Of course, I’ve seen you around.
Yup, sometimes our mind can remind us of things that our brain has forgotten, like how many people need us.
I like that you RT things that you think will help. Thanks for the comment.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha,
I had never really thought of it in such terms before, but I really believe you are on to something.
Joe
Hi Joseph,
Thanks. I think some people will respond to the idea, yes.
– Natasha
Natasha,
I beelieve you are right in every way. I have had traditional psychotherapy, CBT, DBT and EMDR therapy. None of them have really worked unless I really stopped to listen to myself. I had to change the way I looked at things and most importantly how I thought about things. I had one choice…to let the suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts and intrusive thoughts take me over or I could take over them. Today I win. It is a daily struggle, one that Is harder than any other fight in my life but slowly I get to win. Bipolar does not own me That is worth fighting for.
Hi Jen,
Yes, I think that’s the breakthrough that many people experience, or need to experience, in therapy. It sounds to me like you used that breakthrough in a positive way to beat back the hell hounds. Slowly you can win. It’s not easy or, as you noted, fast, but it can happen.
And you’re right, it’s totally worth fighting for.
– Natasha Tracy