Compassion for Those Who Love People with Mental Illness
Rarely, if ever, do people accuse me of having a lack of compassion for people with a mental illness. This is probably because I am a person with a mental illness so I kind of know where other mentally ill people are coming from.
Nevertheless, this is exactly what one commenter recently did:
This is a tragic post because the writer is incapable of honoring the struggle of a human being who is in pain. Rather than muster empathy, compassion and problem-solving, she shuts out the people who need her most. There is something wrong with America when families send their loved ones to prison or institutions when what they need most is the love and support of their community.
The commenter is referring to a post wherein I suggested that sometimes the right thing to do is to say goodbye to a person with a mental illness. Particularly in cases where a person is abusive and refuses to get help, sometimes walking away is the only thing left to do in order to protect your own life. I stand by this sentiment.
Compassion, Empathy and Problem-Solving
And for the record, I’m all for employing empathy, compassion and problem-solving in all aspects of life and of course when dealing with a mental illness. That’s why I’ve written about helping people with a mental illness and telling someone they have a mental illness and convincing someone to get help with a mental illness.But empathy, compassion and problem-solving have limits. None of us is superhuman. And people with a mental illness aren‘t the only ones deserving of compassion.
Compassion for People around Those with a Mental Illness
And the thing this commenter has completely failed to take into account is that compassion is needed for those that deal with the mentally ill as well. If you read the comments on this post you will read about heartbreaking tales of people who have tried everything they can think of and yet are still in a situation where the mentally ill person they love is still refusing help, or cannot get help, or is abusive, or is downright scary. These people are dealing with a whirling dervish of chaos in the best way they know how.
Sometimes Leaving is Best
And as I told one commenter, sometimes removing an unhealthy, overdeveloped bond between a person with a mental illness and their loved one can give the mentally ill person a chance to shine on their own. Sometimes it takes the removal of a backstop to find out how powerful we are. That is a human trait all over.
Leaving a Person with a Mental Illness is Painful
And something else this commenter glossed over is this: very few want to leave a person with a mental illness. Most people are trying to avoid doing just that and that’s why they’re talking to me. They want to problem-solve. They have compassion. They have empathy. It’s just that in their case there may be no solution that leaves the mentally ill person in their lives, or in their homes.
And make no mistake, loved ones rail against this notion. The want to help and protect their loved ones. It’s just that we can’t always do that and preserve our own sanity.
Advocating for the Mentally Ill Means Advocating for those that Love them Too
So yes, while I advocate for people with a mental illness every day, part of my job is advocating for those that love a person with a mental illness too – because mental illness itself affects more than just the person who is sick. And the people who love someone with a mental illness no more deserve to have their lives ruined than does the sick person themselves.
Jane - March 24, 2013 ←
Wow some interesting comments going on .I am at the stage where i have just been separated from my 33 year old daughter due to her mentel illness.She has said,done, all the above for the past 20 years now i am just beginning to see that. Thanks to the publication of Mentel illness i can understand alot more.
keep up the communication all
Janiexxx
Sabine - August 15, 2012 ←
Rereading the opening “defense”/paragraphs referencing the comment made by the insightful and scalpel sharp women despairing the urge to abandon a supposed loved one, holes bigger than equatorial continents jump out. Why is it assumed a relationship with someone experiencing mental ill health is one-way, sane condescending to the ( obvious intended derogatory label inserted) individual with mental illness, a lifting up BY the “functioning” OF the “non-functioning”. Abuse aside, and statiscally this is proven over, and over, that perpetraitors of crimes of all types, including violent crimes, are MORE likely to NOT be the person with mental ill health. The psychopathologized is far more likely to be the victim of abuse and crime. Not the implied perpertraitor. Living with mental illness also increases risks of retraumatisation, and secondary retraumatisation. And familial abuse. Familial abuse is very often a predictor of future menta illness, and continuing preditory persons will continue their abuse into adulthood in the same, or adapting stategies of preditorial planning or opportunity manipulating ways. Often the psychiatric client will illustrate the true beauty of life through their disability. Anyone with a disability draws self comparisons and musings of “how I would cope”, as do jealous teenage ex-girlfriends and envious of the attention yet to be mothers at their friends newborn baby. Advocate and agitate for overhaul of support for carers, but don’t forget what the activism is for. Fighting for something in which you believe is a gift. It is placed in your lap, and beckons you to join the fight for equal rights, promising purpose without peer, learning and wisdom only acquired through selfless action and striving, singleness of purpose, heart pumping excitement and adventure because it is real, meaningful, good, true and right.
Rona - September 26, 2012 ←
I read this comment with mixed feelings. Our 27-year-old son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH OF HIS BEHAVIOR SINCE AGE 14!!! We are unable to have him in our home any longer. He almost broke up a 42-year marriage. His 5 siblings are functioning, loving, and caring toward each other and toward HIM. They are also loving and caring toward US, the parents, as well. As a sibling group, they are amazing, fun, and supportive. Several of them have tried letting “Johnny” live with them in their homes….he doesn’t understand boundaries, steals from them, and just generally abuses them and their generosity. “Johnny” lives 4 hours away from us for a reason…he is now talking about coming home for the holidays again, and this fills us all with dread. His refusal to take any prescribed medications, his dramatic behavior (including suicide threats, even on Christmas Eve, probably, AGAIN), his guilt, his lack of a plan for when he gets here, his inability to save any money for his plan to work, all make for a hellish holiday for the whole family. We are held emotionally hostage by his actions and we get calls from complete strangers at all hours of the night when he is in his manic phase. Last Thanksgiving/Christmas was the worst, as I had just lost my Mother to cancer. I was in the midst of the grieving process, only to have “Johnny” shred any hope of normalcy and a happy holiday with tender, positive memories. I don’t think I can have this happen again to our family. It is paralyzing and exhausting to have him pester us with drama, hint for money, and arrive at our house repeatedly without any notice and try to get in (we had to change the locks), all the while trying to make us feel like something is our fault. If he does come to our town or suburbs, he can’t even stay in one of the homeless shelters because, of course, he has multiple arrest warrants out for traffic offenses. We periodically have sheriffs appear at our door attempting to arrest him. We have tons of mail for him, as he doesn’t pay any child support for his 7-year-old daughter whom he claims to love.
A couple of our children have stated that they have feared in the past that they would come in and find us murdered in our beds by “Johnny”. Now, how is that for anticipation??? You say it is so horrible to walk away from a child, but what do you suggest parents in our circumstances do? Keep giving him money for his cigarettes and beer? Buy his marijuana for him so he will like us? Let him live here on HIS terms: sleep ALL day, sneak out at 4:30 in the afternoon so he can stay up all night and come in at 4 in the morning to repeat the behavior again the next day??? Talk is cheap. Nothing we say has any impact on “Johnny”. The last 2 times he came home, he approached us with a softer voice, seeming cooperation, and kindness—yet still expecting that we would let him live here on HIS terms, as outlined above. Then we have had to buy him a ticket back to where he has been living and we get angry texts telling us (usually me) that we always treat him the same, we never treat him any better, he just can’t get along with us, he can’t talk to us, we are SO difficult to communicate with, etc., etc., etc., until I regret even looking at my texts for fear he will be unloading blame and CRAP on me yet again.
It must be VERY, VERY hard to be dealt this deck of cards and have the wires in his brain crossed, but what can we do? WE CAN’T INVEST ANY MORE TIME, EFFORT AND CARING INTO “JOHNNY” THAN “JOHNNY” IS WILLING TO INVEST IN HIMSELF. The math is just OFF for that to work.
Pattie - May 25, 2012 ←
I had a 6 year relationship with my partner. We bacame engaged and after that things went downhill. His parents had been divorced and that had had a major impact on his view of marriage and relationships. It wasnt until we were engaged that things went pear shaped and I found myself living with a man that was depressed but was in denial. I became the victim of several taunts and outbursts of rage. Nights where he was suicidal, threatened our dog with a knife, screwed doors shut to keep me in and continuous verbal abuse. I tried for so long to get help and eventually he went to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately there was no definate diagnosis…. I was left feeling let down as I didnt know how else to help. With no plan of how to help him get better and with my own thoughts beginning to take a depressive angle I decided to leave. I know find myself still in contact with him and still in love with him but so scared to go back in case the depression rears its head again. I need to make a decision to go back or not but I cant…. Because of all the pain and trauma from the past, it has affected my ability to make that decision. I just dont know what to do….. Out families would oppose the idea and that makes it even harder because they are supposed to be there for us but I have a feeling if we get back together, my parents will disown me…. How am I supposed to choose between the man I love and my family?
Natasha Tracy - May 27, 2012 ←
Hi Pattie,
Believe it or not, I have talked to many people in your situation. Often the loved ones of a mentally ill person are in the tough position of choosing the person or other parts of their lives.
What I recommend for people dealing with this issue is to make a treatment plan. I know you said there was no definite diagnosis, but maybe that means you need to see another doctor. (Was it a psychiatrist? If not, it should be.) And seeing a therapist to work on the issues between the two of you is also probably essential – especially if you’re feeling traumatized, and justifiably so.
So make a plan that you both can life with and ease back into the relationship slowly. Don’t jump back in with both feet. Understand that change needs to happen if that relationship is going to work and if you don’t see that change (probably in you and him) then it’s just going to work.
And that assumes you are willing to do all that work. If you’re not, that’s OK, then it sounds like maybe the best idea is not to go back.
As far as your family is concerned, they will either support you – which is their job – or they won’t, but if you have a rational, step-by-step plan of easing back into the relationship with help, then they might understand your decision. If you just jump back into the problem, they are less likely to.
Again, I know how hard this must be for you, but you’re not alone and only you know the best decision for you.
- Natasha Tracy
Rachel Miller - May 15, 2012 ←
Hi Natasha,
I was so sorry to read about your brother in your post about saying goodbye to those with mental illness. It must be heartbreaking to see him like this.
I think you’re right in that sometimes we have to protect ourselves. By being in a relationship with destructive people who are only causing us pain, we are not caring for ourselves. If the person isn’t ready to acknowledge or treat their condition, there really is nothing you can do.
My parents both have traumatic pasts and I would say have narcissistic/borderline personalities, they are extremely self-involved. I do love them, but I find it very difficult to be around them for very long, they hurt me without realising. So I’ve decided that it’s OK to distance myself from them and I don’t have to keep slogging away trying to make them love me. I think that’s what they want too really.
Rachel
Thora - May 13, 2012 ←
Maybe Eleanor Roosevelt said it most clearly: “Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world.” So if you can’t love and take care of yourself, how can you truly care and love others?
Cate - May 9, 2012 ←
I think you have put that so well. I look at it from both sides too, as one who suffers from a mental illness but also works with those who have mental illness. There is a need for compassion from both sides and I hate to say it but I think we the mental ill, sometimes forget that we are not the only ones worthy of compassion.
Natasha Tracy - May 10, 2012 ←
Hi Cate,
Well said.
- Natasha
Aaron I Anderson - May 9, 2012 ←
Hi Natasha,
Newbie to your blog. First of all, thanks for the follow on twitter. Second of all, (and more importantly) I absolute love your blog. I love the way you address issues that are so common for people experiencing mental health difficulties and their loved ones but are usually to embarrassing for them to talk about. It’s the first stem in annihilating the stigma. Way to go! Look forward to visiting often. Take care
Natasha Tracy - May 10, 2012 ←
Hi Aaron,
Thanks so much. I do try to talk about what I consider to be pertinent issues for people with mental illness and yes, I agree, people are often hesitant to talk about many of them.
Thanks for your comment.
- Natasha
Sarah - May 9, 2012 ←
In this day and age, people tend to aspire to the ideal that a ‘normal’ life is one untouched by illness or disability. This is fantasy, not reality. However, to make these fantasies come true, people will resort to mass genocide, unmonitored institutions and other forms of removal.
Occasionally, we need a break from a loved one with mental illness or disability of some sort. This would more easily be obtained if friends or extended family would help out from time to time.
There is still much joy to be found as a carer.
Nikky44 - May 9, 2012 ←
“mental illness itself affects more than just the person who is sick.”
That is so true, and that is why it’s better to leave. It doesn’t mean abandoning someone in need, it’s also protecting ourselves and loved ones from harm.
If I’m living with someone who is mentally sick, abusive, violent and who refuses to admit he is sick, and refuses any help, it’s my duty to leave because I am getting sick too and it’s not the ideal environment for my children.
mosiegirl - May 8, 2012 ←
This is exactly the situation I find myself in – my bf has BPD. I’ve known this from the start, he’s never had a manic episode while I’ve known him but his depressive episodes have become worse and worse in the last several months. He’s almost incapacitated by them, but until recently was unwilling to seek further help.
I can’t help myself from wondering at what point is too much for me. I love him like crazy – that hasn’t changed at all. What has changed is his ability to cope and my ability to continue being around him when he’s this sick. I can’t imagine leaving him to be sick on his own, but I can’t ignore the toll it takes on me. I wish there was an algorithm for deciding when it’s time to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t even want to contemplate it – but I don’t know what continuing with him while he’s this sick looks like, or how I’ll be able to without becoming unwell myself. It all seems horribly unfair.
What this commenter fails to consider is that loving and supporting someone with a serious mental illness takes a heavy toll on a person, and that they are no good to anyone if they become ill too. There needs to be more understanding for this really tough position to be in.
Natasha Tracy - May 9, 2012 ←
Hi Mosiegirl,
I’m sorry you’re in that situation. That is really tough. Unfortunately there is no algorithm for when any relationship is working or not working. And yes, mental illness is pretty much always horribly unfair to the person who is ill and those around them.
Every situation is individual, of course, and only you know what is right for you. However, I encourage people to work with those who are willing to seek treatment, if possible. I feel that if a person is willing to do everything they can to get better then that speaks to their commitment to themselves, their wellness and the relationship. That being said, it doesn’t mean that you don’t need your own support. Treatment often is needed by loved ones too. You can learn better ways of dealing with the illness just like your boyfriend can.
And I absolutely feel for the situation you’re in. I wish you and your boyfriend wellness.
- Natasha Tracy
Laura Zera (@laurazera) - May 8, 2012 ←
Your post is timely for me as I’ve been mulling over this very topic and was just starting to write a post about it. My mother didn’t get help until she was 73 years old. I recently spoke to another person whose mother didn’t receive help until she was in her 60s. Sometimes the reality is that a person will live a lifetime with an untreated mental illness, and their loved ones have to make some hard choices. I estranged myself from my mother for 17 years. It was the last resort. I worried about her every day. But there was nothing I could do to force her to get help. That’s the sad reality for many, I think.
Natasha Tracy - May 9, 2012 ←
Hi Laura,
I think that’s a good point – many people worry every day about their ill loved ones even once they are estranged. Unfortunately, just because we’re worried it doesn’t mean we can help them. Sometimes worry is all we have left.
I’m sorry your mother lived a life without treatment – that is very hard. The good news is that treatment is more known now not to mention more tolerable and hopefully fewer people will be in that situation.
- Natasha Tracy
Belinda - May 8, 2012 ←
I don’t know which commenter “Herb” is referring to, but if it is me, believe me, I am not looking to incite “excitement”. I just found this blog as I was googling how to deal with a person with bi-polar with multiple hospitalizations as I’d heard they might end up being placed in a permanent mental facility if they had a certain amount of admissions within a certain space of time and I am hoping my sister can avoid this as I don’t think this would benefit her. If there is such a policy, she might not be aware of it and knowing there is one might keep her from using it as a last resort living situation, if she truly is doing so which I am not sure she is. I appreciate this site discussing the subject of mental illness as it is one I have had difficulty in understanding. I certainly don’t want to belittle her health issues, but my sister seems to have tried everything the hospitals can offer with little change or betterment to her situation. I don’t know what else I can do for her besides love and pray for her.
harryf200 - May 8, 2012 ←
It wasn’t you, Belinda. (You’re one of “the good guys”! <>) It was a “Catherine”. Herb, Natasha and I all replied to Catherine @ http://natashatracy.com/features/saying-goodbye-someone-mental-illness/ She has not (yet?) responded to any of us.
Herb - May 8, 2012 ←
Dear Belinda,
I apologize to you for my ambiguity. “harryf200” is correct in that I was not speaking about you. I was referring to an individual whose screen name is “Catherine” and if you had followed Natasha’s link above in this topic to which you responded, it would have brought you to an older topic of Natasha’s in which “Catherine” posted the remark.
In my opinion, there are individuals who do get some kind of charge out of and pleasure by inciting others needlessly. I have refrained from responding to “Catherine” posting or here simply because I think the post in question lacked any additional background information to justify the individual’s position. Notice most all posts, including yours; to this topic give one a better understanding of one’s position. I feel “Catherine” post is one of these inciting postings. Should the individual respond to my questions then I’ll share my thoughts and my opinions as I do have many as it relates to quoted posting.
Once again, I apologize for my ambiguity.
Warmly,
Herb
vnsdepression@gmail.com
http://www.vnstherapy-herb.blogspot.com
Belinda - May 8, 2012 ←
I just wanted to clarify that my husband and I have taken my sister in to stay with us during the years. She stole money, she lied to us. She went to counseling sessions then abruptly quit. We have three small children. We can no longer take her in because of the risk she poses to them by being suicidal and seeing hallucinations, hearing voices. I don’t want to expose them to a similar situation faced by the children of Andrea Yates. The risk of danger to my children outweighs my desire to “help” her by having her live with us and trying to get her the help she needs. At some point, she has to face facts. She has to learn to support herself instead of depending on the kindness of those around her. She has used up all her friends and family as places to stay. She has no income coming in so she cannot pay for a room somewhere yet she has no desire to find work. She is totally dependent on her medications just to function daily and even when on them, her behavior is inconsistent. She HAS been to counseling and received treatment, she IS under a doctor’s care. But she quits attending meetings and doesn’t complete treatment programs. She just stops, then she comes to family and friends begging for someone to take care of her and give her a place to stay. We’ve all done it for the last 10 years-it’s not like we haven’t been empathetic or shown her compassion, but there’s only so much we can do. We cannot take care of her for the rest of her life. At some point a person has to take responsibility for themselves and be determined to change their situation on their own. As long as we’re there to “bail” her out, she’ll never learn that she is stronger than she thinks she is. I think she’s scared and the medications she’s received while in the hospitals have just covered up the problem instead of helping her to deal with what caused the problem to begin with. She misses her kids because she can’t be a part of their lives, she’s grieving for the loss of her marriage (she still loves her ex), and she feels worthless with absolutely no self-confidence. We do empathize with her, but we cannot solve her problems for her, we can only offer advice and refer her to those who can help her. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. It’s not fair to say we don’t care about her.
darlene duarte - May 8, 2012 ←
Deasr Natasha,
I too am bi-polar and applaude you and your accomplishments and the way you have chosen to open your life up to helping others with mental illness.I enjoy and am helped by your commentaries. I am on both sides of this situation, having bi-polar myself and also having family members who suffer from mental illnesses. The ones who love us suffer a great deal while our illness are active and deserve a great shout out of support and appreciation! I have suffered a lot of rejection and have been greatly misunderstood over the years, loosing my husband, physical custody of children, my home and many jobs.It hasn’t been easy for me, but then again I think its been harder for those who love me. I was blessed in that even though my children went to live with their dad from ages 11 and 14, he allowed me open visitation. . He was loving enough to understand my children and I needed each other. I just want to thank all of you out there who stand by us who have mental health issues and thank you for your unending patience and love! And, thanks Natasha for your tireless work helping us who need you!
harryf200 - May 8, 2012 ←
Well said.
Natasha Tracy - May 9, 2012 ←
Hi Darlene,
It sounds like you’ve been through some tough times and came out the other side with a pretty good attitude and understanding of your own condition. I too give a shout out to all those who love us :)
Thank you for all your kind words and of course you’re welcome.
- Natasha Tracy
Herb - May 7, 2012 ←
Dear Natasha,
I’m just wondering in this particular instance and matter by creating this newer topic if you didn’t by some chance go off half-cocked.
I’m curious if you happen to know this commenter and if she were a regular commenter to your forum(s). I noticed she posted to an old topic of yours and she had no links to follow up and to try to better understand what prompted her position and remarks.
As I’m sure you are aware there are those that enjoy inciting some excitement and controversy just for effect.
It would be considerate of her and helpful if she responded to my requests.
Warmly,
Herb
vnsdepression@gmail.com
http://www.vnstherapy-herb.blogspot.com
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Hi Herb,
I don’t feel I went off half-cocked at all. I think I made a very measured, reasoned response to a commenter’s feedback. Moreover, I think it a valuable topic regardless as to what instigated it.
- Natasha Tracy
Herb - May 9, 2012 ←
Natasha,
I think the older of your topic to which “Catherine” responded and this newer topic are both certainly valuable subject matter to be discussed as further evidenced by the responses you’ve received.
What I feel is of little value and what I considered a “broad-side salvo” of incitement was “Catherine” unsubstantiated generalities.
I appreciate the fact that you and many of your readers recognize and acknowledge the toll taken of us; family, friends as well as caregivers in support of our loved ones and the fact this giving of ourselves need not be unlimited and without question.
I have learned through almost 5 decades of my own caregiving to have almost equal respect and compassion for those who choose to hang in there as well as to those who make the difficult decision to opt out. We all are entitled to live our lives as best we can.
I was further appalled by the ignorance of the remark that “…when families send their loved ones to prison…” Obviously amongst other issue differences I may have, that commenter knows little of the laws in the U.S. as I still await a response to better understand the person’s position.
Warmly,
Herb
vnsdepression@gmail.com
http://www.vnstherapy-herb.blogspot.com
Tina Tarbox - May 7, 2012 ←
I stand with you, Natasha. You offer very valid and realistic insight.
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Hi Tina,
Thanks. :)
- Natasha
Rosa - May 7, 2012 ←
I was dating a man with Borderline Personality disorder. I read self help books and went to couples therapy and nothing. Until this day the memories hurt me. He loved me, yet on other days he put me down for my looks and intellect. One day, he called the cops on me after he pushed me against the door and blamed me for it saying I was throwing things at him. Now, I had my own mental illness that I was unaware of and thought I was simply depressed. He threatened to institutionalize me and tell the graduate school staff that I was destructive. It was then I seeked help and walked away from him for ever. I also took care on my own mental health and here I am stil recovering from the trauma.
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Rosa,
It sounds like you made the best choice for you and even then there are still sizeable scars. I’m sorry you had to go through that but at least you made the right call to start to heal.
- Natasha Tracy
KG - May 7, 2012 ←
I am deeply disappointed anyone could be so cavalier about the negative impact of mental illness on loved ones.
My second husband left Wife #1 the night she grabbed a ceiling-high bookcase in a rage and pulled it down, nearly on top of him. He scooped up their toddler and fled to a friend’s after years of parasuicide, hitting, and having things thrown and smashed in his direction, including a spaghetti dinner.
Which was more important: compassion for an abusive Borderline who refused to acknowledge her problems, let alone seek treatment, or compassion for the man on the receiving end and the young child living in a violent household?
Husband #2 in turn suffered trauma from the experience and paid his abuse forward to me every time his ex bullied him. Which he denied. After lying to therapists in two rounds of couples counseling, he finally chased me through our apartment, forcing his way into two rooms. I had a huge bruise on one of my arms when he slammed a door into me. That was as close to hitting me as I would allow him to get.
Which was more important: compassion for the former Domestic Abuse victim with PTSD, or compassion for the woman he sprayed with rage because he refused to accept the mental health impact of his first marriage?
I sincerely hope the commenter doesn’t really believe anyone should live with violence and abuse from a partner under any circumstances.
Gretchen - May 7, 2012 ←
I completely agree. Although I was very much in love with my first husband, when he was not well, it was scary and demoralizing. It took a lot of strength for me to say, “Okay, there are many reasons he is the way he is, but there is NO EXCUSE for him to treat his children this way.” I was more in love with him, the day I insisted he leave, than I had been the entire 11 year marriage. But, I could not allow myself and our children to be treated in such a manner. There comes a point when you have to realize this isn’t getting better. It is a cycle and it keeps getting worse each time the cycle turns sour grapes. It was a heart break decision; One my little children did not understand… but it was the right one. It still hurts. It still feels horrible. But, it was still the right thing to do. We MUST set limits to protect ourselves and our other loved ones. Natasha, you are a blessing to those of us who faithfully follow you. It appears the person who commented was ignorant to your experience and the full body of what your messages project.
harryf200 - May 8, 2012 ←
I think mental illness can sometimes be a valid excuse for commiting acts of violence, but we’ll agree I am sure that does not mean the victims of it should have to put up with it.
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Hi Harryf200,
Like I said, I don’t think it is a valid excuse, but it is a reason. And you’re right, regardless, it doesn’t mean that the victims have to put up with it.
- Natasha
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Hi Gretchen,
I learned a long time ago that there are many _reasons_ for why a person is the way they are but that reasons never serve as excuses.
And people in your situation are heartbroken about it, but that doesn’t mean that separating wasn’t the right thing. It’s just one of the very hard choices that sometimes we have to make in life. And protecting ourselves and others matters.
Thank-you for your kind words. I don’t know the commenter so I’m not sure where she was coming from but yes, I believe she missed the nuances of what I was trying to say.
- Natasha Tracy
Natasha Tracy - May 8, 2012 ←
Hi KG,
It’s horrible to find yourself in a situation with an abusive person no matter what the reason and I would agree – the priority has to be to get out of there, especially if there are children involved. And _especially_ if the person refuses to admit they have a problem and get help. And I believe the person did admit they had a problem they would also have to take responsibility for their abusive behavior. Because no person who is actively seeking treatment and help can just gloss over their abusive actions as “acceptable.”
As you said, empathy for a person in pain doesn’t always outweigh everything else in the situation.
And honestly, people like that abusive person just make me mad because it gives us all a bad name. I believe that we can get better and be in functional, happy relationships but only if we truly work on ourselves and try.
- Natasha Tracy