My name is Holly Gray. I’m 36 years old. I’m a writer and DID awareness advocate. I live in a stunningly beautiful area of the Pacific Northwest United States.
I am a real person with dissociative identity disorder.
I’m thrilled to meet a real person with such a misunderstood disorder and it doesn’t hurt that she’s bright and articulate. Thanks to Holly for the opportunity to lend a few words.
I was very sad. Very upset. About something that happened in my real life. I was anxious, scared, angry and upset. But as with so many things, there was no resolution. Things just left in the air. Left to stab. Left to scathe. That’s what life is, I guess.
Because I was ignored. As per the usual. It is quite possible, and in fact likely, that the person is angry and thus ignoring me. Again, such are humans.
If you’ve been reading me for a while, you’re probably familiar with the symptoms I typically experience as a bipolar:
Fatigue
Sadness / depression / tearing
Hypersomnia
Anhedonia
Lack of motivation / concentration
Slowness in thinking
Thoughts of death
Decreased need for sleep
Excessive speed talking / thinking
Increased productivity
Each symptom depending on the mood of the moment (blue being depression, yellow being hypomania).
However, did you know that someone’s list might look like this:
Irritability
Weight loss
Insomnia
Restlessness. agitation
Feelings of guilt
Indecisiveness
More goal-directed activity
Spending sprees
Inflated self-esteem
That is totally different from my list, and yet we’re still both bipolar. The diagnosis “bipolar” is more of a big-tent thing. It’s the clumping of people with group of symptoms into a group called bipolar, but each person in the group is still unique.
Since Sybil was published in 1974 I think people have been fascinated by multiple personality disorder, now known as dissociative identity disorder or DID. We see dissociative identity disorder on TV and in movies fairly frequently. I didn’t kill her, my alternate personality did.
And yet many people, doctors included, feel that the mental illness doesn’t really exist. I’m fascinated by someone having a disorder that the medical community can’t even agree exists (although keep in mind, dissociative identity disorder is in the DSM-IV).
Some people really hate the bipolars. Bipolar disorder evokes ire in many. I’ve had people refuse to see me for no other reason than I am bipolar. Bipolar seems to make you grow another head, or tentacles, or something.
But that is not the worst part. Not by far. No, the really bad bit is why people hate people with bipolar disorder so much. Among the other accusations, I’ve seen: we’re liars, we cheat, we manipulate and we’re violent and angry. These particular myths along with three others are in Seven Biggest Myths About Bipolar Disorder.
People Show Prejudice Against Bipolar Disorder
The thing is, the people who make these accusations, like everyone with a prejudice, is simply showing ignorance and a lack of rationality. It doesn’t matter what group of people you hate, you’re always showing ignorance and a lack of rationality. It’s terribly unimpressive.
What generally happens is that a person has a bad experience with one person, who is bipolar, and then generalizes to all of bipolar-kind and possibly mental-illness-kind. And they blame every problem on the bipolar. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. In fact, it’s stupid. Sorry, it just is.
I think everyone with bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness, has their own personal list of annoying things people have said to them and about them. I’ve listed my 10 least favorite things to say to a person with bipolar disorder, plus a bonus #11. #11 is just my absolute least favorite.
Worst Thing to Say to a Person with a Mental Illness – We Create Our Own Reality
We create our own reality. This is one of my most hated sentences in the English language. This sentence screams of middle-class-real-problemless-spoiled-rich-person. Yes, undoubtedly people who have homes and families and health and happiness can make their own reality. They can fix the issues they have, like leaky pipes, and not be upset when the paperboy misses their front porch. I have no doubt this is possible.
Hypomania, as a word, is becoming more well-known as bipolar II becomes more well known. People though, are often confused as to what hypomania is. Hypomania is not mania. The easy way to tell the difference is: if you’re not in the hospital, you’re probably not manic. Check out my article at HealthyPlace for more on the Difference Between Mania and Hypomania.
I do stream-of-conscious bipolar writing here sometimes. I like it. And actually, other bipolars generally respond quite well to stream-of-conscious writing as well. I have found, though, that those without mental illness are left somewhat dumbfounded. Or, at least, that’s the impression I get from the lack of feedback. Stream-of-consciousness writing is tough to get if you’ve never been in that type of consciousness. Hypomania. Crazy.
I Do Stream-of-Conscious Bipolar, Hypomanic Writing Anyway
Nevertheless, I insist on doing streamed bipolar writing anyway. I’m obstinate that way.
And I really think hypomanic stream-of-conscious is illuminating, particularly for those with no experience in it. It really helps to give a glimpse into a moment of life in my brain. So for HealthyPlace I wrote, Hypomania Means Never Having to Make Sense.
People are frequently telling me what to do to feel better:
Find Jesus
Hand your life over to a higher power
Think positively
Be grateful for what you have
…
(And actually, it’s the first two I get all the time, but I’m not going to talk about it because it’s just too touchy a subject.)
I’m Grateful and Yet Still Depressed
So instead, at HealthyPlace I address the issue of gratitude. I am, in fact, grateful for many things. Right now I am sitting on a comfy couch that’s paid for, watching my cats run around and play, enjoying the beautiful sunshine, with Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer. I am thankful for these things. In spite of gratitude however, my bipolar depression doesn’t seem to get better.
(And yes, it bugs me that people think I’m not grateful just because of depression. And yes, it bugs me that people think that if I were grateful I would get better. And yes, people bug me.)
This is not of the quality you typically find here. Sorry.
I knew I was hypomanic because yesterday I couldn’t sleep.
Not sleeping. Waking multiple times during the night. That’s hypomania.
I’m sleeping too little, eating too little, producing too much and feeling too OK; that’s hypomania. It makes you brilliant and insightful and creative and magical. It also makes me completely fucked up.
The hypomania is probably from being on Pristiq and Welbutrin together. That’s a long story.
There is so much to know about Seroquel, and really, you’re so right to be afraid.
Over the last week-and-a-half I’ve been writing at HealthyPlace about the full prescribing information for Seroquel. I’ve done this to make a point – the full prescribing information for Seroquel or any drug is a treasure trove of knowledge. The full prescribing information really let’s you know what you’re getting into bed with and in the case of Seroquel, you’re getting into bed with a very dangerous substance. (That’s OK. I mean really, the only people worth getting into bed with are dangerous.) And whenever you take a (psychotropic, psychiatric) medication it’s worth knowing the risks. Seriously. Like, really worth it. And the risks of taking a medication are laid out in black and white in the prescribing information.
Antipsychotic Seroquel Information
I discuss Seroquel prescribing information section by section:
And just to be clear, I’m not attacking Seroquel here. Seroquel just happens to be the highest grossing psychotropic medication and that’s why I picked it. Prescribing information and all its nastiness is available for any drug. I do think though, particularly everyone on an antipsychotic should look at its full prescribing information. I’m not suggesting these are bad medications, but what I am suggesting is that they are very dangerous and you need to be made aware of it before you stay on them for years.
No One Can Make Mental Illness Treatment Decisions But You
The thing is, I can’t tell you what to do with your mental illness treatment. I can give you information, I can try to help, I can suggest reliable, mental health resources, but you have to make the treatment decision. It’s a scary thing I know. I still hate it myself.
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