I have felt for years that bipolar symptoms feel like punishment. It’s not so much the regular, everyday symptoms that feel that way — it’s more the bipolar symptoms suffered after fun that feel like punishment the most. It feels like if something good occurs or if I feel good for some reason, the bipolar won’t like that and it’ll come up and whop me with a punishment. This week is a perfect example of this. I’m being punished with bipolar symptoms because of receiving an award in Vegas last week.
What Is Bipolar Symptom Punishment?
For me, bipolar symptom punishment takes the form of nasty depression symptoms after feeling good (or even okay). Usually, these are accompanied by increased anxiety too.
So bipolar symptom punishment is like this, I do something that feels good, my bipolar gets mad about it and makes me feel really, really bad. I know this seems to suggest that “bipolar” is an entity that understands things and then acts, and this isn’t exactly how it works, but it sure is how it feels. Bipolar feels malificent. Bipolar feels oppressive. Bipolar feels omnipotent. It feels like bipolar controls my ability to blink, sometimes.
My Recent Experience with Bipolar Symptoms that Feel Like Punishment
Last week I was lucky enough to fly to Vegas to receive a WEGO Health Activist Award. It was amazing. I met other incredible health activists and the people at WEGO Health were there too. They shone in their own ways and posited that they felt inspired by us. It was a few days when I truly felt special and appreciated.
Being in Vegas was hard on the body and brain, though, and thus hard on the bipolar. I walked more miles in three days than I would in a week at home. (My bed-to-couch commute is looking terribly favorable.) I also had to be made up and “on” a whole heck of a lot more than I would at home.
And that is all fine. It was expected. You go places and do things and it’s hard on the body and the bipolar. That’s my life with chronic illness.
The exhaustion I felt when I got home was expected. But something else weird happened — my mood didn’t have issues. I thought I had escaped, just this once.
I was wrong, of course. It was just delayed bipolar symptom punishment.
About four days after I got home I started to lose my ability to work, think and function. These things happen to me, but when they’re really pronounced, it’s usually because something has happened — in this case, it was bipolar symptom punishment rearing its ugly head.
And yeah, I get it, I wasn’t actually being punished for my award in Vegas, but when good things make you feel bad, it sure the heck feels that way.
How to Handle Bipolar Symptom Punishment
I’m sure it differs for everyone, but I need to do three things:
- Not make the bipolar symptoms worse
- Soothe the bipolar symptoms as much as possible
- Understand that as much as it feels like it, it’s not really a punishment
I try not to make the bipolar symptoms worse by minimizing stress, reducing commitments and reducing physical exertion. I make sure I don’t have to cook by having decently-healthy food in the fridge that I can eat without effort. It is not the time to work on writing a book and it is not the time to exercise. (Again, this is just me.)
Soothing bipolar symptoms has become more and more difficult over the years. Now, it seems like a lot of what I do is hide under a weighted blanket and try to accumulate enough energy to feed myself. I spend time with my cats, loving them and letting them love me, and I do my nails.
And yes, understanding that as much as bipolar symptoms feel like a punishment, they actually aren’t, is also important. Bipolar symptoms are awful. Bipolar symptoms are unfair. But bipolar symptoms are just the way the cookie crumbles for some of us. I know that they will come. I know that they will come after I do too much. I know that doing many things a well person could do is equal to “too much.” I understand that is my life. It has been for a long time. As much as bipolar appears to be punishing me, it’s really just acting like the parasite it is. It’s really just impacting my brain and body in the way that a serious mental illness does. That is not “punishment,” that is just life.
But, believe it to be a punishment or not, there is one other thing that’s really important to realize: it won’t last forever. If my bipolar symptoms get worse, a following corollary says that they can get better. That’s just how it works. Punishment is not infinite. Worsening is not infinite.
And besides, Vegas was worth it. I got to do amazing things and meet amazing people. Bipolar, take that!
Haha, great blog post and congrats again on your award. Yes yesterday I had a three hour conversation on Skype with a bipolar youtube influencer. I was helping her with some legal issues on a retreat she went on in South Africa that turned into more like a scam. Anyway, I was so good to connect with a like minded person and in the moment my thoughts were pretty together and I was able to form sentences which is a miracle for me as of lately. Once the call was over I realized I was completely depleted. couldn’t function beyond soaking in the tub and crawling into bed. That was it, spent by noon. It was more than I could do in a long time but only of fraction of what I could once do. So i totally get the recharge needed after expelling that kind of brain power and energy. It it hard to explain to people because in those moments you are looked at as functional but behind the scenes that function takes such a toll, so people don’t realize all that is involved in the disability. Koodos to you and your work and thank you for your blog
“If my bipolar symptoms get worse, a following corollary says that they can get better. ”
Yep, but the bastards always come back again! It’s THAT treadmill, the unending cycle that I find so exhausting. :(
OMG How terribly true this is!
I was so struck by the familiarity of this situation that I forgot to say: *Congratulations on the award, Natasha*!
Hi Paul,
Aw, thanks :)
– Natasha Tracy
This makes sense, to me.
I don’t have bipolar but I have suffered with extreme anxiety and situational depression in the past.
FOR ME … what I noticed is that essentially when my body and mind are tired then I can become lethargic and then slip into negative thought patterns (cynicism, depression, etc., …). By tired, I don’t mean your usual “it’s time to go to bed” tired – I mean totally exhausted yet there’s still a metric shit-tonne of stuff playing around in my head that’s stopping me from calming down and chilling out.
I wonder if there’s an element of that with your instance: with everything that was going on in Vegas and the stark contrast between that and the usual home routine, I wonder if the body and mind became exhausted, fell over and slipped into a shut-down mode?
That might seem like an over-simplification. It’s not meant to be. Bipolar is shite and I’m not trying in any way to understate the complexity of the condition. I empathise with anyone whose emotions can get the better of them, so I’m just sharing my own observations about me in case it helps anyone else.
I really like this explanation as I have felt that way too, but I like that somethings are just worth the effort and telling oneself that it doesn’t last forever, I will have to remind myself about that one. I have it written on my calendars It’s not me it’s my brain.
I always feel like I’m being punished in life and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.
To quote NIN: “All the world’s weight is on my back and I don’t even know why”