Depression makes me hard to get to know. (Well, the bipolar globally, but I’m primarily depressed, so I’ll focus on that.) I didn’t know this for the longest time. I thought I was an open book. And, really, if you ask me something, I’ll tell you about it. There’s very little that I’m not comfortable talking about. I’m honest. I engage in long conversations — sometimes about me. I thought that meant it was easy to get to know me but it turns out this isn’t the experience other people were having. Then the other day, I saw a list of 10 characteristics of perfectly hidden depression and I realized those characteristics described me. So, as it turns out, depression — hidden depression — makes me hard to get to know.
Hidden Depression Makes Me Hard to Know
Like many people, I try very hard to hide my depression. While it does affect everything in my life, I don’t want it to affect others in my life. I want to protect these people that I care about from the horrible effects of depression. And in many respects, it is perfectly hidden depression.
This list of 10 characteristics of perfectly hidden depression was written by Dr. Margaret Rutherford and you can find her original article here.
10 Traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression that Makes Me Hard to Know
- Perfectionism and a constant, critical, and shaming inner voice
- A heightened or excessive sense of responsibility
- Detachment from painful emotions by staying in your head and actively shutting them off
- Worrying and needing to control yourself and your environment
- Intense focus on tasks and use of accomplishment to feel valuable
- Focus on the wellbeing of others, but not allowing them into your inner world
- Discount or dismissal of hurt or sorrow and struggle with self-compassion
- Possible accompanying mental health issues, such as an eating disorder, an anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or addiction
- Strong belief in “counting your blessings” as the foundation of wellbeing
- Success with a professional structure but struggle with emotional intimacy in relationships
I only got through the first three when I realized she had me pegged. The jig was up. (Pretty surprising as most people do not see through what I’m doing.)
How Hidden Depression Makes Me Hard to Know
I won’t go through each characteristic one by one as I could write an article on each one, but I will mention a few.
- Perfectionism — This is a very common characteristic in those with depression. This makes sense, actually. Perfectionism perpetuates depression. If you believe you must be perfect you will always exert all your energy in an attempt to achieve this and you will always fail. This constant failure feeds depression nicely.
- Control, responsibility, focus — I’m a control freak and I know it. I don’t like it when I don’t know what all the variables are. I don’t like it when there’s no plan. I’m always afraid of screwing everything up unless I know ahead of time exactly what I have to do. And I’m afraid others will need me or want me and I won’t be there if I don’t know what’s happening. I need to know where all the pieces are on the board.
- Detachment and living in my head — I’m an intellectual. I always have been. Nonetheless, the amount that I stay in my head is a result of the agony I experience when I don’t do that. It’s a huge problem for me. I can be in the middle of something that should be pleasurable and not “be there” but, rather, be thinking about my grocery list. It’s so second-nature to me at this point it takes a crowbar to get me out of my head. It almost never happens. (And this is mostly for the best.) I often feel like an observer to my own life. It’s not surprising I’m hard to know me if I’m not even living.
- A focus on others and not allowing them into my inner world — Um, yeah. That’s kind of my job description and, yeah, it spills over into my real life. Enough said.
- Professional success but difficulty in personal relationships — Some would argue that I’m professionally successful. Okay. But relationships are tricky because of the constant pain I’m in and my wanting to protect others from it. And dating? Yeah, I haven’t done that in a very long time.
I don’t fit all the 10 characteristics, but admitting to the above makes me realize I’m significantly as outlined and I want to cry for the distance I place between me and everyone else (so much for detachment).
What to Do About Being Hard to Know Because of Hidden Depression
Now that I’ve had this wake-up call, the next steps seem, blurry. I mean, I want people to know me but I also think that everything I do that prevents that is really important for my wellbeing and theirs. I do manage my life like this for a reason, after all.
Nonetheless, knowledge is power and knowledge of the self is even more so. So, now that I’m clear on the barriers, I can pick and choose which ones to remove and when. I can choose what to lean into and what to try to let up on. And I can become even more aware of how this makes it hard for other people too. After all, there are people who love me and want to know me.
So, yeah, recognizing myself in this list is depressing, but it’s also empowering. You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s a problem and you can’t fix something if you don’t know its makeup either. So, now, knowing the issue’s components, I can address it if and when I want to.
PS: Just knowing the above might not be enough for a person. A person might need the help of a therapist to work through the heavy issues presented in that list. That is totally okay.
Natasha, this a great and uninformative post!
I have been through all these steps/stages myself too. My biggest issue right now is being more resiliient and having enough coping skills to prevent triggers and mood changes. They will inevitably and happen at some point! The illness and disorder is neurological and physiological. It is what it os even though it changes, presents and manifests differently for each person. I just want to flow with it and protect my space, peace and calm. I’ve become disillusioned with politics and drama. I do like watching TV, movies and plays, but I don’t want to be affected or overwhelmed by it. I don’t want too much drama in my life. I want to be one with my own thoughts if that’s ever possible through living and meditation. Low stress and peace is a happy life and a good day for me.
I live in a bubble or a padded cell. I try to live a free and as graceful a life I can, but it’s hard. The shutting doors, self protection/preservation and keeping people out of my life is difficult. I restrain myself and do a lot of self-imposed isolation.
Before I found Natasha’s blog and read her books, I had a lot of weird switches and rules in my head and a lot of fear of relapse. I don’t think I could remeber the full algorithm anymore because all people evolve and change. We’re all in flux and growing. I never fully “functionally recovered”. My family is supportive but not 100 % understanding of my issues. Perhaps they’re afraid they’ll have my issues, or I’ll be a “problem” or too much for them. I don’t know anyone who has had ad many jobs and seasons of unemployment than me. I have a good marriage. Bipolar has been a time bandit and an outlaw who has been chasing me all my life since the age of 8 or earlier. The bandit and outlaw has robbed me of deams, my peace, my satisfaction, my direction and even my soul sometimes. I’ve quit relationships and life in the past and have been a recluse and a hermit and the crazy uncle, son or (whatever role or hat I wore – fill in the blank here). Natasha, more than anyone else, has brought me to a better place and has helped me understand more about bipolar and how to live with it. I see my own story and hear my own thoughts and voice in her writing. I need to write my own story and collect all my art, stories and memories into one place.
Self-knowledge, awareness and compassion are all important but so is true wisdom and inner & outward peace. Bruce Lee famously said “Be like (or the) water my friend”! Living with bipolar is difficult, organic/dynamic and ever changing. I would add that perhaps we are like a lotus growing from the soil and up through muddy and murky water to become a fully blossomed and unique flower. The journey is hard and tough. With enough support, energy, light, water and nutrients, it’s anyone’s guess what type of lotus and which color your bloom will be. It’s between you and your creator. We try to be good and positive people, and we hope all will be worth it down the road. With enough grace, self-care and support, we can be the best lotuses, my preference, or any other flowers or unique and good creations we can be. Mine would be a 1000 petaled star lotus with constantly changing colors. I wouldn’t stay orange and happy all the time and would flow through the colors of the rainbow hour by hour and moment by moment. Colors have well known meanings but are also personal and subjective. Peace to all of you.
I’ve been following Natasha for at least 8 or 9 years. She’s had a major impact on my life. I share many of the sentiments that other people have shared.
Hi Natasha, I have been following you for some time and have purchased your wonderful book Lost Marbles.
Am I right in believing you are of the opinion that people like us who suffer psychosis, mania and depression do in fact have illnesses? There are some who would totally disagree with you there but I too tend to believe that I have an illness. I believe it is like most illnesses and flares up and down and gets under control and then out of control. I believe I suffer.
I go through stages of blaming my childhood and parents then I write it all down read it back and realize that it simply isn’t the cause. That probably I was born with it.
These last few years I have been suffering with depression more than anything and sometimes it overwhelms like these last few days I haven’t washed or dressed or sorted my kitchen out.
My mental health team are supportive and my nurse supportive. Spoke to her today and she suggested I do attempt to shower and dress and to go see my son later. He suffers from depression too and I wish he would return home and live with me so we could look after one another.
Thank you Natasha for putting the whole issue of mental illness into perspective. You do in fact give me hope.
I could have written this, Natasha. I have gained so much knowledge from your blog. I am always surprised at the things about me that are there because of bipolar disorder and not necessarily my own character. My therapist tells me that she had a helluva time drawing me out, for months, when we first met. She said I said,”Yes” and “No” and that was pretty much it. That surprised me, because I tend to overshare and talk too much about myself that make others uncomfortable. But then sometimes people are shocked to find out that I have bipolar disorder…even other people with bipolar disorder. The shaming inner voice and perfectionism are probably the most difficult thing I deal with. A good portion of my day every day is spent angry with myself for making mistakes, and I’m devastated if someone points out something I’ve done wrong.
“I Walk Alone”
This song describes me.
“My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shadow’s heart’s the only thing that’s beating
One day I wish someone out there will find me
Until then I walk alone”
I have unintentionally built a wall around myself. I’m known as a loner; albeit a fun loner. Nobody knows me. I haven’t dated since my marriage ended in 2002. I am not relationship material. (Ha – but ask anyone in town and they’ll tell you I’m outgoing and funny. They assume if they haven’t seen me for a few months it’s because I must be having fun with someone somewhere else. Not that I’ve been lost inside myself. Lost inside my “home”. I don’t want to walk alone. I’d like someone to hug.
I understand. I’m quite good at meeting new people. I’m known as being friendly and funny. By strangers. I have trouble turning acquaintances into friends. And keeping friends I’ve made. So I pretty much just float along alone. I’m so alone. My few friends were quite odd after they discovered my mental issues. When I get too lonely, I go find somewhere where nobody will know me and i socialize. Then, for an hour or two, I can just bask in the warmth of humanity. I don’t want to share the real me anymore, because it has backfired on me too many times. I wonder how many people are in the same situation? I crave friendship, but I guess it’s just too difficult to really be a real friend to me. I hope you find comfort and smiles. Just know at least you’re not alone in this kind of life.