I cry all the time. Like, all the time. Crying is, in fact, my reaction to virtually everything (Depression and Crying in Public). Music makes me cry, TV shows make me cry, thoughts make me cry and even silence, makes me cry. If I sit here and just honestly think about how I feel in this very moment, I cry. I just always feel like crying. Crying is my reaction to everything. It’s wet, it’s salty and it sucks.

Why All the Crying Reactions?

All this crying is due to repressed depression, I would say. I’m depressed and depression makes me sad, exhausted and useless and so I have to deny those feelings and stuff them down dramatically in order to function as a human being. When I wake up in the morning I feel how much I don’t want the day to begin (How Hard It Is to Wake Up Crying). But I have to deny that reality so that I can begin my day anyway.

All this denial of depression just creates a pond of tears right behind my eyes; and, while I’m trying to keep it together at all times, all it takes is the tiniest little thing for that pond to turn into a leak or even a waterfall. Repression of depression simply makes me rife for crying reactions.

Isn’t It Better Just to Let the Crying Out?

I know some people think that it’s better just to let the emotions out and not to repress them. It’s better to just “cry it out.” Okay, I understand your perspective and have, obviously, heard it before.

It just so happens that you’re wrong when it comes to serious depression (Bipolar — Our Emotions Are Too Big).

You can “cry out” many things. You can cry out grief (My Father Died — Grief and Bipolar Disorder), you can cry out loss, you can cry out betrayal. You can cry these things out because they have a natural endpoint. You will feel grief, it will be horrible, and, eventually, you will start to feel better no matter the loss. Time heals most things in the normal human equation.

It just so happens that serious depression isn’t like that. Serious depression has no endpoint. Serious depression has no conclusion. Crying doesn’t make this depression stop beating you, it just makes you wet while the beating occurs.

Tired of My Crying Reactions

So, I know my crying reactions are due to my depression and I know my constant desire to cry is thanks to my attempt at functioning. I recognize these things. These things are mostly beyond my control – well, beyond my control if I want to function.

And yet.

And yet I’m sick of it. And yet I feel like beating myself up about it. And yet I feel like doing anything I can to stop it. Like, anything.

Depression makes it so I can't stop my crying reactions no matter how hard I try. I react with crying to absolutely everything. I'm tired of it and I want it to stop. Maybe.But as I sit here with the tears lapping the back of my eyeballs, I know that I can’t stop it. At least, I can’t stop it in any way that doesn’t harm myself. In spite of how inconvenient and humiliating it is (I Can’t Control My Bipolar Brain or Emotions, I Feel Inadequate), I can’t stop the crying. In spite of how it makes me look weak, I can’t stop the crying. In spite of the copious number of apologies required because of it (Apologizing for Overreactions to Emotional Situations), I can’t stop the crying.

But make no mistake about it, whether you catch me crying or catch me repressing my crying, both are examples of a fight for life. Both are examples of what depression does to me and the things that depression takes from me. Both are actually expressions of strength. I know it doesn’t look that way, and I sure know it doesn’t feel that way, but, actually, it is.

While I am exhausted from all the crying all the time at anything, anywhere, I know it is just part of my existence that I have to accept. Yes, medications help with this and yes, right now I’m in the midst of a medication change and so things are worse. Regardless, crying pretty much reads as an aspect of my personality at this point.

Are Crying Reactions Good?

And as the immovable boulder that it is, it requires acceptance (Acceptance of Bipolar Disorder Is a Process). I wish it wouldn’t happen. I wish my face could stay dry longer but these wishes just aren’t going to come true – not in the short term anyway. So as I say (and as many others say) I need to treat myself gently and not beat myself up about it. Crying is a coping skill. It’s one that I employ without my consent. But it’s a better way of coping than many others.

Seeing as that is the case, I should actually be thankful for it. I could be drinking, or injecting, or smoking, or raging or a whole host of other things. But I’m not. I’m just crying. My crying reactions are, I guess, the best I can do, for now.

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Image from Board of Wisdom.