Ah, depression. Sucking, vaporizing, numbing black hole. A void where feeling used to be.
Last night I went out on a date. It was a girl I had connected with through a site online. Lovely girl. Smiling. Happy. There’s a picture of her taking another girl’s bikini top off with her teeth. Playful happiness.
And in person, she was, in fact, happy. Enthralled and entertained by me. She wanted to hear story after story. Captivated. Charmed. Her gaze burned into my flesh.
Most Notable Feeling in Depression is Nothingness. A Lack of Want.
And I’m a depressed girl. I felt, nothing. Nothing. I had gone out determined to hunt a female. But. I couldn’t. Sure, part of that might have been the girl in particular, but it’s mostly me. Mostly bipolar, depressed, lack of feeling, lack of want me. I just don’t feel anything about, well, anything. (Except tired. I am tired.)
Depression Make You Tired. Being Tired Kills Want.
I’m tired. All the time. I never want to leave the house. Ever. Leaving the house just feels like something jagged on my list of things to do. So yes. Even going to meet a girl and bat my eyelashes and be witty is annoying and something I don’t want to do. Yes, it’s unbearably sad that depression makes beautiful women undesirable. It’s unfair to everyone involved.
Faking Happiness Isn’t Faking Want
I can fake happy. Really well. I’m a depressed girl with so many years of practice. I wonder if I came out of the womb with a fake smile plastered on my baby face. And sure, charm and wit and intrigue are all part of the illusion. Even exhausted and beaten and sad, still, I can fake happy.
But want? Meh. Want requires action. I’m really good at manipulating my face and my voice to deny depression, to smudge depression, to shade depression, but actually bothering with movement, apparently, crosses my line into impossible. It’s over my personal lying quotient. I’m tired. I can’t fucking fake anything more.
Why Would a Depressed Person Without Want Go On a Date?
So why did depressed me go in the first place? Well, I know I’m lonely. I know I like having orgasms. Dating someone seemed to address both those things at once. I don’t really want to date, per se. It just makes sense. It fills an apparent gap. And when don’t people tell you to get out and meet people? I mean really. [pull]Everyone knows that being alone is bad and being together is good.[/pull]
And I’m not saying that having someone here, and someone to talk to, and someone to undress wouldn’t be lovely, because I’m sure it would; I just can’t find the want. I don’t know where want lives. But not in heads with depression. Not in my sad girl head. Not here.
Natasha.
I just turned 60. ? I was just sitting here thinking of how I feel pretty much completely dead inside. So I just googled “ Why do I feel dead inside” And I came across this post. It’s somewhat comforting to know that others are going through this. You expressed it very well. I have a Daughter that I raised pretty much on my own. Through some bizarre stroke of luck, she is, in my opinion, a simply amazing person. She graduated with a Chem-E degree and now has a promising career, just bought her first house at 25. Unfortunately her job took her 1,000 miles away. Then at 56, I moved to Florida with my ex. I have suffered depression off and on for my whole life. I had a great run free from it from age 30-55. Then my ex began going out with friends from work, and staying out all night, etc. That’s when I went over the cliff. I was still functional for a few years. I still enjoyed Photography, Fishing and some other pass-times. My ex had moved out at my request and wanted to come back. So, already being in the, can’t leave the house, stage, I let her. It wasn’t long before she was bringing guys into my house while I was at work. I apologize for the life story, but now, here I sit. Some nights I long for death. Because I already feel that way. Every dream I had for my older years is dead. I tried finding someone , but I don’t speak to my life long friends, I don’t speak to anyone unless I have to. And, I don’t know if it’s possible to attract someone when you’re 60, living with your ex. Not rich, and you Reek of sadness. I will never kill my self, because of my daughter.
I get through each day for the next time I get to see her. I just wish others could really understand what it is. But I understand why they can’t. They haven’t been there. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. ( well maybe 1 or 2 specific individuals. Anyway thanks. Bless you
I stumbled across your blog by accident! It struck a chord. I’ve had depression for years and i’m now nearly 55. I was bought into the world in a dysfunctional family, the product of a brief reunion between my parents before they finally separated. At 18 months old shifted from one foster care place to another. Introduced the delights of a huge penis thrust in my anus before I knew how to count, let alone what age I was! Abuse that lasted until I was 18 and stood up to my abuser! Subject to regular beatings from my stepfather when I briefly lived with my mother who decided me and my sisters were useful to get a council house and take us out of the care system, beaten for seeing my father who I loved dearly and I moved in with after studying up at 10 years old and telling a judge I didn’t want to be adopted and finally moving in wth my father at 12 years old only to find out he was great friends with my paedophile of a foster parent under the misguided notion they had taken such good care of me and my sisters! And so it goes on, always fighting always believing there was a purpose, something better. I used to kid myself my past gave me an insight, a knowledge of the world that others never had. It gave me a drive to lear, compete and try to be the best I could and while my career was moving forwards the demons were kept at bay. But lurking deep inside I was special, I was abused, I was a lesser mortal, someone who could never fit in, someone who had secrets, someone always seeking belonging, someone who never knew what love was, someone who yearned for love but could never manage relationships. Its like a table ..this person is defective .. My father kicked me out of home at 16 years old and again at 18 ) we had a brief reconciliation) telling me I may have brains but no commons sense. But I educated myself later, with an honours degree in Mathematics and Computing and later wit an Masters degree in Business Administration, I even managed a membership of MENSA. All of which were sticking plasters for a fragile ego where internally I felt useless, unwanted and unloved. Later in life with many redundancies, a failed marriage and now a failed career due to sleep disorders, i’m tired, very tired. Exhausted. I’m lucky I have a good wife now who is understanding, I am no longer employed. I’ve been through counselling, prescription drugs and all sorts of help..a six weeks session to get to the root of my mental malaise is just stupid. But what i’ve found is that it’s all about analysis and profiling, the modern world likes to fit us in little boxes as much as it can, the boxes getting smaller units they squeeze the life out of our very soul. I’ve been lucky enough to travel to many countries and cultures and i’ve seen people with so little materially but so much more than we have spiritually. I ask myself why, and its obvious.. its community, love, friendship unselfishness. The modern world isn’t about our happiness, its about us feeding and increasingly hungry machine that swallows our resources, destroys what is good in the world all in the name of power, lust and money to feed the egos of the few. The noose is tightening, not financially but ecologically and spiritually. Depression isn’t virus or ailment, its a condition bought about by feelings and caring. There are many times i’ve tried to escape and to be honest I can’t wait to leave this world. But I think of the legacy that my children would have to endure, perpetuating the cycle of feeling unwanted, the guilt, isolation. So I suffer in silence, a life of meaningless endeavour and meaningless sacrifice in a world that has no substance only manipulation and abuse. My time will come, my happiness will come when i’m diagnosed with a terminal condition, i’ll be at peace then. But until then, i’ll get up in the morning, do what i need to, sleep as much as I can and try to take one step at a time overcoming the fatigue and keep convincing myself that it has value. Thank you for allowing me to share my story, ultimately thats all we can do, is keep trying, take pleasure when we can and protect our loved ones the best we can. In the final analysis life is an illusion, controlled either by you or by the world around you! There is no great meaning, your name will be forgotten in a couple of generations..no matter how great you are.
Says who? You? No she won’t! Natasha will go down in history as the most helpful, accomplished, caring, beloved soul who taught the bipolar crowd how to function, live w dignity and pride. How not to give in to suicide.
As important or even more so than Kay Redfield Jamison, imo. Natasha gives you words to live by, not just her life’s story.
Kay shed light on the disorder, earned degrees, but in many ways is dated today. There are so many avenues of bipolar, I honestly cannot think of one she hasn’t covered. Her varied subject matter is astounding to say the least!
A Pulitzer prize should be hers, much more than the do nothing people they’ve had in the past. There’s not enough thank you’s that I can think of, to say to Natasha, for her tireless quest to help our plight, and the individual advice I’ve taken from her to help myself. I know this thread is old but Natashas’ words will live forever! No one could ever, ever top her re: her contribution to the disorder of bipolar.
Hello Natasha, I know this is a very old article you wrote so please pardon my delayed response here but I had to message you about it.
I’m a 36 year old man who thinks about suicide every single day. It’s Aug of 2018 now, I started down this ugly path back around 2011/2012 when I was deployed to Afghanistan.
Not to get too much into my story here, what I really want to say to you is that I appreciate your honesty and all of the articles I’ve come across from you on here. Reading your thoughts and feelings, your emotions in black and white, it is almost pathetic to say this but somehow reading this from 7 years ago actually made me feel a connection to someone else for the first time in a while.
That’s all, I just wanted to thank you and wish you well. I’ll be looking for more writing from you on these topics (suicide, depression, no desires) in hopes of at least distracting myself for long enough that I lose focus on the plan I already have to end my BS for good.
Thanks for your time too.
Take care.
Josh
Hi Josh,
Thank you.
I want to let you know that connection is something we all seek and it’s something my words here and in my book often offer people — you are not alone there.
I’m honored to be a connection for you. You are not alone.
– Natasha Tracy
huh…so this is what I was exactly feeling for short periods every year….
of course, I did consider ‘depression’ to suit my previous and current feelings but I disregarded it because I was rather ignorant about it and only thought that people who cut themselves/try to kill themselves are the ones who are truly depressed.
instead, I used the word ‘contentment’ to describe myself for the sole reason that I do not want nor do I feel sad or happy… so I must have been content with my life, thought my younger self, even tho I there’s a gaping void sucking all of my emotions and wants and need to function everyday, I MUST be content to be as I am, even accepting death as my true destiny in this world…
how wrong and selfish I was, not even considering the fact that I have a family to continue to live for, and they live for me in return, they love me so much and I wasn’t able to think about loving them in return…so selfish…
thank you for sharing this miss…gave me something to think about before going to sleep ^_^
None of you truly get this. It’s not what your agreeing too “100%”. This isn’t somthing your glad to find a person who sees the world as an outside force, somthing that has no bearing upon you, people you are expected to feel for like sibling and parents become no more than strangers, everyone grieving for a passed family member aside from yourself, as not to rouse suspicion you play along as tho this persons life or lack of affects you in a way. Seeing every day the way your expected to act, and building a false persona in order to fit expectation to look in a mirror and practice looking like you give a damn what happens to your brothers sister nieces and nephews. And I do not pretend to know this person’s (original post) experience , because I reminder a time years ago when I did indeed feel. I remember and I try. But once your “soul” is broken even a thousand rebirths may not repair that damage. I would not mind a true emotion but I have become so good at the fake sometimes I believe what I’m trying to instill upon everyone else. Good luck.
agreed. I feel almost like guys have it a little worse in the sense that they are expected to be a girls rock and always fix all the problems, always have all the money and take her on dates. and if they don’t they aren’t a good catch and the girls you have cared for so long just moves onto someone better, and drops you like a piece of meat. how can I make a girl happy when I cant even make myself happy?
Hi all..my name is eric and im 22 yo
i kinda having all that problems n the stress are unimaginable
i lose so many people when i thought some parts of my life has been better
bcs of bad depression so many times,i always tried to be relax in everything
im feeling like there is a vein of mine that is not working anymore
i’ll be having important exam in 2hrs n the teacher apready hated me cos im in his course for years
if i failed it again i’ll be excluded from school which i have a guess that they
been supporting me as well,or maybe thats just my thought
im feeling really numb and chill like waiting for the world to bring me down again just like everytime i did this useless action
i lost people i love exc my fam..
what a morning gosh
I don’t remember when I started silently withdrawing myself from everyone, and everything in my life. I used to be cheery, enjoying interaction with other people and going out to do things in different places. Bad things happened, yeah. But I don’t recall anything that particularly scarred my mind/emotions.
It just began randomly. I was slowly becoming less active and social, until finally, my decently happy life was completely replaced by the tiredness. All I feel is the tiredness… I don’t feel sad, and neither do I want to kill myself. The world just doesn’t interest me like it used to.
I have friends and family and I’m doing well in college, on my way to a great career. But I feel like none of it really matters, like I’m living the life of a boring character in a boring movie that I can’t stop watching.
I want nothing. I have no motivation. I’m just ‘here’.
I’m so tired. It doesn’t matter how long I try to sleep or relax. The feeling never leaves.
So tired…
So tired…
I hear ya I want fu??ing die
Yeah, well, welcome to the club…
I mean, like you, I really don’t care about anything or anyone or anywhere anymore.
I take my meds:
50mg Zoloft 1x
800mg Neurontin 1x
30mg Buspar 3x
But sex ?
I’ve literally slept with everything that walked and crawled.
Bi-Polar, Bi-Sexual, you name it.
Yeah.. and ?
What’s the point.
It’s a frigging chore to get out of the front door to get meds and groceries.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that maybe, just maybe our bi-polar sensitivity is an actualization that society is fake, this civilization is fake and that we are on a very sick planet.
We know it is not supposed to be this way.
Sure, standard of living and evolution through agricultural, industrial and post-technological is dandy.
Yet the sadness comes from a deep longing of soul memories.
Strap your seatbelt on… depression is also a form of rebellion turned in upon itself.
Now, my course is to withdraw, and sit and think and to read New Thought literature and the like.
In addition, I just wanted to know the occult history of this planet.
What a mucked up history indeed.
Well, I’m sure you’re familiar with the Kali Yuga and all that wrought.. being a little British in demeanor for the moment.
Sex and Socialization is actually the psychological warfare of WWII that never ended.
All the subconsciousness programming of sexploitation has reached such a crescendo as to make all of us collectively vomit.
Rah Rah Boom Sah.. Let’s fuck… fine… If you’ve got the money and the temperament to bring life into the world and guide it through a negativistic consumption function materialistic craving desire that has been finely tuned to keep your attention upon the outer decaying body.
Not on the inner spirit.
Not on the desire for divine union and divine love.
Nope.
None of that… just outer gratification.
Which is fine, although the intensity of visually what is beautiful has been so overplayed as to shock the monkey out of the ability to enjoy.
Well, just wanted to let you know that maybe, just maybe, our sadness is due to an ancient soul memory as to what has been on this planet in the millennial mists of long ago.
No mere fantasy… No.
Fact of the matter is that this smelly little backward ball of clay has had 3 yes count them ‘three’ Golden Age civilizations before the fall in vibration.
Yeah… truth is stranger than fiction.. problem is that there are a whole bunch of folks who don’t want you to know and remember that you.. your person, your personality had the ability to levitate without any physical apparatus, the ability to principate your daily bread out of universal substance, and the ability to think a thing, speak a thing and watch it manifest in the physical right before your very eyes.
Yeah… tell me now that you’ve never had dreams of being able to fly through the air without any visible means of support.. tell me, tell me lies.. tell me sweet little lies… yeah she is childless by choice from my understanding too…
The truth hurts.
The truth of who and what we really are.
It’s been obscured by in this current cycle approx. 26,500 years of our own personal mis-use of the energies and the precise laws of life which have been purposely distorted to produce chaos.
Well….
Depression sucks.
But, it buys me the time to delve into the deep hidden truths which have been raped, robbed and stolen from us.
No wonder we’re so fucking sad all the time.. no fucking wonder.
Desire, Discipline, Disgust.
Three words to consider.
Damn Natasha, I’m sure glad that you named this bi-polar burble… ’cause I’m burblin’ like a bad dog.
Honestly though, you have some decent looks about you and it is a crying shame that you cannot enjoy some of that in wanton carnality.
How fucked up is that ?
Anyway, I’m in a similar situation:
I’m 6’4″, fairly handsome… competitive swimmer in High School and an Ocean Lifeguard for a season long before the total joke babe watch came out — it is so sickening and so far from reality that I cannot even sit through one episode.
Vomit… Vomit… Vomit…
When you’re on the tower you are a fregging lighting rod and your ass is the first thing to get fried.
Anyway, what I’m trying to do here in my old fashioned Scorpio way is to dig deep and give you something to latch on to so you can dig within yourself and find the many veins of gold within you that are readily apparent in the force of heart you put into your work to assist others who really, really, really do have this fucked up condition.
Thank You for your sane, moderate, well informed, non-discriminatory, and not-judgmental wealth literally wealth of wholesome variegated opinions and advise and criticisms of both Victor and Victem, Paitient or Doctor.
But, that’s work.
What about you.
Desire…. hmmm…. I hated the fact that I had a vigorous sex drive in my youth.
Yeah, kinda basackwards right ?
Well, to me Sex and Society are the SS Gestapo of a massive psycho sexual manipulation that has been going on since time immemorial — long before we ‘ popped out ‘.
War and specifically WWII has accelerated the means and the sophistication of psycho-sexual control and manipulation to such a fine art that in essence WWII never ended, it just was sublimated through psycho-sexual mass indoctrination.
Human Love is fucked up.
Human Love is on the exact same coin as Human Hatred.
Just as Human Goodness is just as foul as Human Evil.
It’s all stupid, it’s all perverted and we know deep in our hearts that this civilization is ‘ not all that and three bags of potato chips ‘.
When I talk about psycho-sexual manipulation is the messing with the incredible spiritual power that is within each man and woman.
Images, tones, and sounds have been so deeply ingrained within our psyche and within the collective subconscious of the planet as to utilize that tremendous power within to murder, maim, kill and abuse both oneself and one’s offspring.
Yea, this is no conspiracy theory.
Naw, chuck that farley.
Human Love is worthless.
It is sympathy based and in the blink of an eye can and will turn into Human Hatred at some point.
Divine Love is different.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not unconditional, airy fairy.
Naw… it is some wicked ‘chit.
All we hear all day and all night even when we were in the womb is the sorry syrupy human love conundrum.
No wonder we’re fucking depressed.
Anyway, beyond my burbling is the need for the deep seated healing that we all require.
It seems at length that us ‘ bi-polars ‘ just happen to know that we are sick, society is sick and civilization is sick.
And that is a hell of a burden to carry.
We cannot fake, we will not fake.
We’re tired, we’re sick and we like to stay in the fucking house.
Anytime you discourse with another human being or a group of human beings in person or on the web — you must become a hypocrite — there is no other way.
Honesty will have you ostracized.
Now, beyond all of this and all of the ‘ personality disorders ‘ that we have been labeled with is the mystique of the human soul which cannot ever be lost unless one is utterly desirous of doing so.
Having a spirit in a meat machine is depressing from the get go.
Yeah…
Fuck this, Fuck that, why am I here.. and all that.
Well, solace comes slowly for my part in slowly quietly thinking.
But, they don’t pay you to think.
No.
They would just as soon as kill you if they cannot make a buck from you.
Yet, our sensitive nature knows this is not the way it should be, and no matter how hard we suppress it to ‘ fit in ‘ we cannot — we will not lie and fake.
Better to be sad and honest than a fake hypocrite.
Whatever.
At any rate, the taking of the time to read, absorb and know that the sewer we live in is just that… a sewer.
Fuck this planet, fuck it’s people, and fuck ‘ the special mission ‘ I was on to ‘ save it ‘.
Yeah… fabulous secret powers… my ass.
I’m just so fucking tired of all the violence, all the jail time, all the mental institutions and the Thorazine and the everything.
I’ve had enough.
I just want to be left the fuck alone — oh, yeah… they have names for my ‘ condition ‘ yeah.. I fit everyone — Schizoid, Narcissistic Inverted Self-Defeating — and the list goes on.
Helpless, Spoiled, Needy, and spineless.
Better than being in prison.
A live coward or a dead hero… memes troupes architects archetypes Archons and Armageddon…
Oh …. Gosh….
Hmmm…. let’s see…..
375,000 acts of wanton murder seen before the age of 18yrs on average.
Get a Job… be somebody… be responsible…
Yeah…
I guess I missed the boat on that one….
Depression…. rebellion ??
Shamanic Sickness ??
Religious Ecstasy ?
Or, Just bust your ass, pay your bills give allegiance to to god of money…..
Philosophy, Religion, or Just Survival.
Well, I’m a little old to be asking these questions
You’re just lazy…. Snap out of it… I wish I could.
I have kindness of heart, but no credentials.
So be it.
My Burble of the Day.
— Burt B.
Hi Burt,
Well, you said a lot.
I will say that I don’t by that people with mental illness see some hidden fucked up reality and are reacting in some reasonable way to it. I don’t buy that at all. There is a “reality” as such, but there’s nothing particularly hidden about it and perfectly happy people react to it every day. Just because you see something fucked up, doesn’t mean you have to be.
Anywho, you might want to look at Gnosticism. They like to talk about the hidden reality all around us. It’s fairly interesting.
– Natasha Tracy
Hey Natasha,
Thank You for allowing me to burble.
Well, audio hallucinations were a bit much for me to handle.
So, padded cells were my next lot.
But, it’s gone now, cool.
Just striving to be at peace and happy now.
Thanks for the tip on Gnosticism.
I’m reading some New Thought stuff and Plato at the moment.
Seems the human condition has been quite the same for all these millennia other than evolving technologies and the like.
Weird, but I was wondering if in your experience that you are so sensitive that you have to be careful what you read when you read it depending upon your mood ?
Peace, Joy and may the Eternal Stability of Internal Eternal Love be your lot,
— Burt B.
It’s this sort of behavior that killed off most of my adult relationships – family, friendships, and romantic partnerships. And now it’s killing my marriage and my relationship with my children.
I have a sex drive alright. I just have no tools to express anything but causal indifference to everyone around me. I can actually see it happening but sometimes I feel powerless to fight it. It’s an effort for me to express anything resembling love, desire, affection towards my wife.
On the sexual side – I feel plenty of desire but sometimes I’m relieved if a child decides to crawl into bed with us because it means I don’t have to make the effort to initiate.
I’m fighting like hell to stop this but it’s so brutally hard to overcome 30 years of learned behavior. It’s not that I have to put a happy face on – it’s that I need to made the effort to turn this all around. But most of the time I feel… meh.
Hi David,
It’s interesting that you say you have a sex drive and still feel “meh,” as someone else said, that sounds confusing.
The only thing I can say is that I set aside time each week to socialize – even when I don’t want to – because I know it will help over all, and maybe thinking about it that way will help you. You can’t always express what you might think you should, but if you set aside a bit of time to force yourself to do it, it might help overall. Maybe then you don’t have to pressure yourself to _always_ be expressive, just in small moments. And hopefully those small moments will grow. I can’t promise that, of course, but we live in hope :)
– Natasha Tracy
“Well, I know I’m lonely. I know I like having orgasms. Dating someone seemed to address both those things at once. I don’t really want to date, per se. It just makes sense. It fills an apparent gap.” This was a great post to read, it makes me feel like I’m not so off for feeling….. blah. Not always, but quite often. I’ve concluded to myself that there is nothing wrong with NOT wanting to meet people or go out to be “social”, but there are times I feel like I’m supposed to do that and want to do it. And it can lead to confusion…. for me anyway.
I haven’t had much of a sex drive for years now. I don’t want it back; it would just be one more thing to have to deal with. I don’t remember when the last time was that I had sex with my husband, but it’s been years. We have a great relationship and I am so fortunate that, knowing how I feel, he doesn’t even bring it up anymore.
I used to want things. I want to want things. I think a big problem is the world. I think so many people are depressed because something has been taken away from us. We don’t need to do anything in this world. Not really. We can get through life hardly doing any work. Food comes prepared. Water in the tap. Even if we don’t have a job, people will just give us money. We have all the time in the world to do anything we want, but when there’s nothing we NEED to do, I think we start to see how pointless everything is. A luxury isn’t a luxury anymore, it’s just a nothing.
I want to live on a farm. Or in a tent with a wandering tribe. I want to hunt my food. To make my clothes. To worry about the cold in winter. I want these things because they are the things my brain has evolved to deal with. My brain NEEDS to do these things, because in the past, if my ancestors didn’t do these things, they died. And without these things, my life has no point.
Sounds like a plan! I’ll join your tribe, and look at the beautiful stars, trees and wildlife, and learn to fight a tiger. I’d feel happy, spiritual even. Until I couldn’t find the public toilet. And my sunburned skin was getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.
I think you are right though, about the cause of much despondency in this world. Is there a happy medium where I can see all of the stars and still wipe my bottom with soft tissue paper?
Maybe. But I want those. I want the mosquitoes. I want the sunburn. Because those are problems that I would have to solve. And that’s what I want. Because without problems to solve, I am already dead.
Hi JJ,
I do agree with you that having problems to solve is important, to me anyway. I just choose different problems. I’m sort of in a problem-solving industry so I find it easy to come across many problems that need my attention.
– Natasha Tracy
JJ: I agree that having those kinds of external concerns are good for mental health. Not a solution for everyone, but I, too, would like to go off grid. Note that the kinds of activities you described are at the heart of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Caring for oneself certainly connects one to the present.
Sarah: we all have to find individual solutions. I’m sure you can have stars and modern plumbing somewhere. I personally like the idea of having somewhere to retreat to when I need it. There are times in my life I need people and medicine. I want to provide myself with options to speak to my needs. Solutions aren’t solutions if they don’t resonate within the patient.
Hi JJ,
That’s certainly one way of looking at it although it wouldn’t be mine. I consider some “luxuries” to be needs. I consider work to be a need. I consider friends to be needs. I don’t think the world is pointless just because water comes out of a tap. I’m rather grateful for and expectant of that. But that’s me.
– Natasha Tracy
So you do have a “want”.
The task now is to do it.
try living like your ancestors may have done by going to a place where they still live similarly
let me know what happens.
if it works for you I’ll try it myself.
It’s not about living like your ancestors, which I’ve done, its about having an illness where nothing in life means anything. The illness takes away purpose, meaning, joy, pleasure. People living like our ancestors suffer depression too. Having to walk six miles for water doesn’t give your life meaning. If anything, it makes you even more depressed.
Hi Zhiv,
I would tend to agree, but everyone is different. Some people find answers in the oddest of places, but that doesn’t mean they’re for everyone.
– Natasha Tracy
ah yes, i want that too, but then just how much of that is because of the”grass is greener”?…would we, depressed people, really be happy living on a farm, in a tent, hunting and gathering our own food? Or would we be just as unhappy doing that as well?…
I thought it was just me (how silly). People were suggesting things, “try this, try that”, “do this, do that”, “what do you want out of life?” etc. I couldn’t see anything and couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t want anything, which frightened me and I also felt bad about it. At least now I can see that that’s actually a symptom of my condition (which is getting better) and not a flaw in my character. I’ve done all sorts in my life so far but that was when I was well. So I’ll wait for that desire and purpose to come back. I’m sure it will.
Thanks for letting me see it’s not just me.
Jim.
Hi Jim,
It’s pretty natural for people to suggest things like that. They don’t understand that it’s not helpful. It might be helpful for _them_ but it’s not helpful for you because you have an illness.
“I couldn’t see anything and couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t want anything, which frightened me and I also felt bad about it.”
I think that’s the worst part. It feels like it’s just you and no one mentions that it’s a symptom of an illness. And I agree, it is very scary, and for some reason we do feel bad about it.
I’m glad to hear you’re getting better. You’ll see that desire return little by little so you can start to focus on what you want again – when you start to want things.
– Natasha Tracy
Thanks Natasha,
That’s it, ‘little by little’. If I can’t feel it one day then I’ll just wait rather than try to force it. Forcing and effort never work.
Ty for your reply :) I love your site and I’m not the only one!
Hope you’re doing ok too,
Jim.
Hi Jim,
Thanks. I appreciate the compliment.
Good on you for understanding the “little by little” nature of getting better. No need to put extra pressure on yourself to get better overnight.
– Natasha
I have the lack of want when depressed, & can’t stand to be touched (so sensative to touch it Hurts like being rubbed with sandpaper & I can get too bored to focus on sex. Jes is understanding, but still… I sometimes wish he would find a girlfriend on the side so I wouldn’t feel guilty about what hE misses
Monica
Hi Monica,
I know well that feeling of not being able to be touched. I agree, being touched _physically_ hurts. I compare it to having the flu because it happens then too.
Sex is really hard for people with a mental illness for a variety of reasons. But remember, the idea that Jes have a girlfriend on the side is probably a lot more your illness talking than really you. Your illness is making you think you don’t deserve the understanding being offered to you.
I’m sure it is very hard for both of you, but love matters more than just sex. And my guess is that Jes realizes that. Lucky you :)
– Natasha Tracy
im new to all this n its hurting the man I love. I have no needs or wants to do ne thing? how do u over come this n keep ur fam?
Hi Laurarigger,
I think it’s about open communication and learning coping strategies. If you communicate openly about how you’re feeling, it seems much more reasonable. The other person can’t read your mind, after all. Try to get in touch with what you need and communicate that. And encourage your significant other to do the same. Find a compromise that you both can live with. This can take time but open communication can facilitate a lot.
You need coping strategies for dealing with your illness and your partner needs coping strategies too. One of the best place to get these skills is through therapy. Maybe you could try cognitive behavioral therapy. It is short-term and focused on teach you how to deal with your illness. If you can’t afford therapy (and it can be hard to find someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy) there are many books and workbooks on the topic. Couples counselling is always good though.
If you’re new to all this you may feel overwhelmed but just try to take it one step at a time. Start with honest communication and work from there. Your family doesn’t have to fall apart because of your illness.
– Natasha Tracy
Have you ever thought about creating an e-book or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same topics you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my readers would value your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e-mail.
Hi Mina,
I actually have 2 ebooks in the works. It just takes time to put these things together.
Yes, I do guest spots on other blogs. What did you have in mind? You can contact me directly here: https://natashatracy.com/about-natasha-tracy/contact-natasha-tracy/
– Natasha Tracy
I feel your pain, Natasha. I haven’t felt anything for my own husband in years. He likes it several times a week, and I like it… never. So I fake it. I fake wanting him, fake sexual desire, fake orgasm. I feel like such a fake. Such a liar. But the one time I tried to tell him how I really feel, how the sexual desire was just not there anymore, he withdrew, hurt, and didn’t ask me again for almost a year. I knew he wanted me, but he was too hurt or depressed himself to ask. No blame, he is very understanding of my bipolar. It must really suck to be married to me. Most of the time I’m ok with faking. But I can only pull it off so often, so we compromise. I can say no when I really need to, and the rest of the time, I do my act. I’d make a great whore.
Hi Rebecca,
I’m sorry to hear that. That must be really tough for you, and your husband. It’s a really tough spot.
But you aren’t a whore. You’re not even a “liar,” you’re a person in a really difficult situation who is working through it the best way possible.
Just as a thought (and you might have tried this) but you know that some antidepressants have low sexual desire as a side effect? Not all of them do though so you might want to look into that.
Of course, it might just be depression and that’s it. But I just thought I’d mention it.
– Natasha
Hey Chico…I agree…you should seriously consider reaching out to someone for support or going to the hospital. I have also been where you are now…not able to get off the couch, not leaving my condo for days and that’s not what I was writing about.
You are in a much more serious place with your illness right now and you need to get the proper help.
Hang in there,
Jess
that fatigue or whatever it is happens with me as well. i can stay indoors for a week. Sometimes soon as i step outside the gate tears come to my eyes and i’m just overwhelmed.. at 8 in the morning! Sex life is in the shitter, love life as well. Can’t maintain interest in a girl long enough when/if it comes up. The emotions are so disturbing I wouldn’t know if I was lonely or just having low moods. I like your blog, it’s impudently honest (:
“Sometimes soon as i step outside the gate tears come to my eyes and i’m just overwhelmed.. at 8 in the morning! ”
I totally get that. It happens to me too. I’m not sure exactly why. Or, five minutes away from my house it will happen. People ask me why I don’t “go out” (just out of my apartment) more. It’s that. The outside people in the outside world make me sad.
Yes, I am impudently honest. It’s either a great attribute or a drastic flaw, depends on who you ask.
– Natasha
i havent left my house in a coupla weeks…since new years!
I just dont want to be around folks, i dont want to fake the funk. i just want to curl up and die peacefully and without pain sometimes. contemplating going into a hospital
Hi Chico,
It sounds to me like you’re health care bound. If you’ve been in the house for more than 3 weeks and all you want to do is curl up and die you need help – now. A hospital is a safe place and it sounds like you need a safe place right now.
I understand what you’re feeling. I understand not wanting to fake. I understand wanting to curl up and die. I’ve said that many times. But –
– get help. It gets better.
– Natasha
This is so interesting because I have dated many guys over the past three years or so and have not been interested in one of them. I have been so disturbed by this and have struggled to figure out why I haven’t had any interest in even just one of them, but now that I read this, I’m thinking it must be my depression and my lack of want as well. I am very similar to what you write about in that once I am out on a date with essentially a stranger, all that really matters to me is the moment I return home and can relax and be myself again. Hmm.
Thanks for the insight.
Hi Jessica,
Anhedonia (the lack of pleasure in all things) is a symptom of depression but FYI, dampened emotions can be a side-effects of medication. Personally, I think it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two, but that’s me. It’s just important to remember because if it’s a dampening of feelings and not anhedonia, a medication change might be able to help. Of course, either way it’s probably worth mentioning to your doctor.
I find that feeling of just wanting to get home so depressing. If I wasn’t depressed before that, I would be after.
– Natasha
Great writing, great concept, well put together.
Thanks Meredith.
– Natasha
Agree 100%. I haven’t dated/had sex in years, & in trying to get my act together of late have been trying to get back in the saddle. But alas, it’s just not there. Even when I do manage to meet someone… meh. Nothing ever really seems as important as just staying home & keeping to myself. I want me to want you, baby, but I guess that’s about as far as I’ve gotten>_<
Well, I’m going to suggest that seeing as your name is “MyYearToThrive” maybe this will be the year that changes for you.
:)
– Natasha