One of the frustrating things about having a mental illness is how often people say (or intimate) that the mental illness is your fault. Oh sure, they might not come right out and say, “You’re to blame for your bipolar,” (although some people do) but they might just say:
- You wouldn’t be bipolar if you didn’t take all those meds
- Your diet [eating wheat, dairy, etc.] is causing your mental illness
- You wouldn’t be depressed if you exercised more
- Your mental illness is “all in your head”
- Your bipolar is made up by your psychiatrist
- Mental illness is your punishment for not being Christian (or not being faithful enough)
And so on and so forth pretty much until my head is about to explode.
But here’s a newsflash – mental illness isn’t your fault. My bipolar isn’t my fault. No illness is the sufferer’s fault and I’m tired of having to defend myself to others just because my illness is “mental.”
Your Cancer Is Your Fault
See, no one would tell a cancer sufferer that it is their own fault. And that’s because it isn’t. Cancer is a product of genetics, environment and lifestyle. Some people who have never smoked a cigarette in their lives will get lung cancer while others who have smoked their whole lives will not. Life is not fair and cancer does not discriminate.
Your Mental Illness Is Your Fault
And mental illness is exactly the same. Bipolar disorder, depression and other mental illness have genetic, environmental and psychosocial components – just like all other illnesses. And while you may be able to control some of those factors – you cannot control all of them. And even if you do control all the factors you can, perfectly, it doesn’t mean that you will or will not have a mental illness. Life is not fair and mental illness does not discriminate.
Saying ‘Your Mental Illness Is Your Fault’ Is Unconscionable
Yes, it’s not just hurtful to tell someone that their mental illness is their fault; it’s pretty much unconscionable because you are kicking a person when they are down. Believe me, the person with the mental illness already feels bad enough about being sick without you adding the extra pressure that somehow they’ve brought it on themselves. And also believe this – every person with a mental illness has also gone through a point when they have blamed themselves and you heaping more scorn upon them just takes them back to a time of self-blame in their lives, and they don’t need to be there.
Saying, “Your mental illness is your fault,” is not just harmful to the person but also their health and possibly their lives because of how powerful their illness can be on their lives. You’re taking a bad situation and making it worse. You must be so proud of yourself.
Try Compassion for a Person with a Mental Illness
So instead of judging a person with a mental illness and suggesting that they are not doing everything in their power to get better (which most of us are) how about you try some compassion? Like the same compassion you would show a person with cancer? Everyone knows the horrors of that illness and the treatment for that illness and believe me, mental illness can be every bit as much of a horror show so how about saying, “That must be very difficult for you.” It’s not exactly the Gettysburg address, but it shows that you’re listening, not judging and acknowledging our realities. And that’s all we really want.
(PS: if you really want to help you could try, “Is there anything I can do to help?” We would really appreciate that too.)
It doesn’t matter if they say it or not if they recommend you any one of the 2 choices offered for all mental illness the theory behind it is originally at some point in it’s conception that the patient either caused it or is keeping themselves from recovering from it by their actions and by subscribing to the theory or recommending it they are admitting their belief in it which is pretty fitting for the god complex most mental health “professionals” have as the lowly patient comes begging them for help each week inflates their ego to almost to the size of the check your insurance gives them each week.
Hi Natasha, just wanted to say that you see mental illness so clearly and you can articulate it so well that every piece of article I read from you I could totally relate to. Just wanted to say a thank you for being the voice for people living with mental illness.
So right on, Natasha. The comments about it being your/my fault for being bipolar are all what I’ve expereinced, plus many more –. from “You aren’t praying right,” to “it’s the weather,” to “it’s the moon phase,” and so many more I forget. Oh, and of course there’s the “The whole mental health profession/system is a plot to make us passive.” As my brother says about that one: “TV, computer games, and computers are all we need to make us passive!”
But as for people not guilt tripping someone when they have cancer — yes, they do! And people guilt trip themselves when they get cancer. There’s some of this in various New Age groups, as well as some religious “healing” religions. I was in one of the religions — it was “not praying right” and “sin” which caused any form of illness, including cancer.
I suffer from bipolar-schizoaffective, and I have an addiction too. I grew up in a bible belt region of central USA, and wow, people are very ignorant about serious mental illness. People around here just don’t say much at all. Most conversation is superficial. Some people do understand, like people who have either a loved one who went through it, or going thru it themselves.
I have such a pull on my soul to be right with God, because some of the things I’ve done makes me very ashamed, but I have to remember that the story of Jesus is not a fictional scenario. It’s historical. And truth. Jesus said he is the way, truth, and life, and no man gets to God but thru him. His is the only name given under heaven we can be saved.
What I’m getting at is that since Jesus is real, since he rose from the crucifixion on the cross which killed him, he is alive and will come back for his own, and this means his healing power can deliver us from the uttermost depths of hell. Mental illness is hell.
He works on our spirits, thru his holy spirit. Now I know most of the time, the amygdala and hypothalamus regulate the emotions and too much dopamine can lead to psychosis. Other changes in the neurotransmitters affect mood and behavior. It’s chemical and physical. But I believe Jesus can influence the chemical flow and production. The most powerful thing in our universe is God’s word of the gospel of Christ.
In short, what i’m saying is that Jesus can ease the pain of feeling the torment and he’ll caused by mental illness.
And it most certainly is not your fault… read the gospel of John chapter 9 about a boy born blind. Was it his parent’s or the boy’s fault he was born blind? Find out Jesus’s response for yourself.
Hi Natasha, You wrote, “See, no one would tell a cancer sufferer that it is their own fault. ” Also that: “Mental illness is your punishment for not being Christian (or not being faithful enough): Actually, there are some “New Age” religions that DO blame people for having cancer, or any other illness. “You brought in on yourself.,” they say. Or, “You didn’t pray/meditate the right way.”
It’s horrible when you hear it from your doctor, especially if you’ve been seeing that doctor ever since you were born.
Hard thing is, for both BPs and non BPs, telling who is lying about having bipolar and who isn’t
I agree that genuine Bipolars and people with similar sorts of life conditions cannot always help when they say and do terrible things and that this isn’t who they are,and that when they drain non-BP people’s energy it is not because they are selfish, but because they need more and have more problems and cannot always translate their love for their freinds into actual actions that a loving person would do.
But there are people out there who pretend to have BP in order to do shitty things, and it can get very hard to distinguish between someone with True Bipolar and a Faker. If I get the idea someone is a faker, and they are not, I will end up doing damage because that person truly cannot help their behaiviour. But what am I supposed to do? Go through life with blinders on and let anyone who says he has BP stay in my life because he can’t help his horrible behaviour and inside there is a loving person who I will get to know if I only trust him and stick around?
Even with regard to True Bipolars, the behaviour can cause mental and physical damage to other people, and if I don’t want to stick around, it’s not because I don’t love them or because I am blaming them. It’s just because i don’t want their actions to harm me. It’s no different why they do the actions; the actions cause me pain no matter what caused them and no matter what intention the BP person has.
So you can imagine how hard it is to have to choose how often to spend time with a potentially Bipolar friend…who might not even have it and is just using it as an excuse maybe (which makes it hard for REAL Bipolars to be trusted because people may not want to get close, thinking they are the Fake Bipolars who are really just Jerks).
Whether my friend is Bipolar or not, his behaviour sometimes hurts me mentally (says he never hits people, though), and he seems to try to take responsibility for many things he does, and seems forgiving, and open minded. He has his times where he blames me for shit I didn’t do, and gaslights me and accuses me of starting arguments with him when it’s actually him doing it (not really sure he knows he’s doing it- he was on Klonopin for years, quit without a doctor’s guidance beause it was making him nauseous, and has very bad memory loss, his life story details change, etc).
There should be one of those Futurama memes to describe my freind in particular:
“Not sure if lying
Or actually Bipolar”
Because though actual Bipolars don’t necessarily lie, there are those who PRETEND to have Bipolar because they think it will make people excuse them. Like people who pretend to have bad back probs so they dont have to work…
I don’t think it’s my fault, but I have been able to take steps in therapy to heal. I think if it’s anyone’s fault it is those who caused trauma in my early life.
Word. I’ve sadly just had to distance myself from a lot of formerly close friends. (More sad is the immediate family members. Letting go of anger is a process, for real.) My other favorite is when even the best and most supportive of family and advocates say things about remembering “the real me” or keeping pictures of younger me to remember who I “was.” I don’t think they could ever understand how much I’m the exact same kid/teenager/young adult/adult. With the same brain in so many ways, but terrible trouble with mostly communication and input/output. And yeah, all the confusion with so much popular knowledge regarding behavioral disorders and CBT, that it is hard for many most to understand a serious MI that is NOT behavioral at its root. Ah, well. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. Anyway I love that you are a coherent voice for mental illness, love you blog. I am bipolar II/schizoaffective. (Which means my hypomania turns to paranoia and auditory psychosis.) Anyway cool.
what I would like to see or have some input on is how to deal with everyone assigning every problem that comes up in my life or relationships is a direct result of my bipod disorder. Everything is my fault. Even if my husband flat out lies to me it’s because I’m bipolar and he can’t be truthful to me for my own benefit! This is beyond frustrating and us running completely in every relationship I have in my life!
What I find very interesting is that mental illness is a disease of the brain. Yet you are supposed to think your way out of it. I know people compare physical illness to mental illness and people can be really harsh to both. The difference is if a person list both legs no one would tell them to run faster or better. Expecting the mentally ill to think there way out is useless.
Actually, with regards to cancer and physical illness, diet and lifestyle plays a huge part. Google the link between dairy and breast cancer, Jane Plant, women in China don’t get breast cancer etc.
I think treating a mental illness is much much harder, because when you are the most ill, you don’t realize how ill you are. It is very hard for us to take care of ourselves, to go to the doctor when we are feeling mentally unwell. Nobody is going to think ‘hmm maybe I should try and eat more veg, see if it helps my psychosis’. This is what makes me most angry. I have suffered with psychosis in various degrees since my early teens, and only recently got the stability to ask for help. I was told by one of my mother’s friend she was ‘glad I was taking responsibility and being more grown up’. That comment made me so ashamed and I wanted to commit suicide. The psychosis had eased up enough that I could articulate and ask for help, and I was kicked and judged when I was down. I realized how many people thought I just ‘wasn’t trying’.
My family have never had an ounce of understanding of what I go through, and are ashamed, so don’t bother explaining my issues to other people. And just tell them I’m lazy and not trying.
I’ve also found I’ve got an autoimmune disorder, which I’ve managed to reduce dramatically with diet. Guess what was easier to treat? I HATE the blame people with mental illness get. It is not that we’re not trying hard, or that we are somehow not being responsible. I tried to hold down a job and care for myself and put way too much pressure on myself, and ended up having a breakdown.
I feel I can’t win! I’m too unstable to hold down a job and all the stress makes me worse, yet people judge me for being lazy and ‘not trying’ because I can’t work. It makes me feel absolutely worthless.
lily, your comment brings so much to mind that my head is racing too much to put it down right down. Let’s just start with the fact that when we are most ill we don’t know how ill we are-yet we are supposed to take all the responsibility and be the key diagnostic tool. This defies logic.
The blame and shame and the names has taken me to some pretty dark places – the deepest depths of despair. But I am still here and have something to share. I am willing to bet you do too so keep trying.
I will gather my thoughts and share more.
You make such a good point. When I have times of clarity I look back at my behavior and wonder how and why I did such weird stuff, but when you are in the grip of psychosis/ dissociation it warps your world view and reality so much you have no idea how weird you are acting.
It’s cruel to expect someone with no insight into their behavior to be responsible for themselves. It’s not like you’re going to go the doctors and say you are having delusions, because you think they are real! When I’m experiencing clarity I know the voices aren’t real. But when it’s full blown it becomes my reality.
I know it must be hard for other people to understand, but that makes them totally unqualified to judge mental illness. Why don’t they ask questions, respectfully, instead of making huge assumptions?
I can cope with anxiety now, I learned good skills, but depression/ mania/ psychosis and dissociation are impossible for me to figure out when I’m experiencing it. It’s so overwhelming and my grip on reality disappears.
When I’m having clarity and stability, I can look after myself very well and eat properly and practice my skills. It would be impossible for me to do all this when I am ‘full blown’ because some days I can’t even remember my name or recognize my face.
If psychiatrists don’t understand our conditions, how on earth are we supposed to?
Thankyou so much! I feel much better now and its all thanks to you. :) I hope you feel well and you don’t happen to hear the rude comment again.
I really do not think it is fair saying to someone, “its all your fault. you shouldn’t have smoked too much.” “its all your fault; you eat too much” “you were born with it so its all your fault”
The last one is very unfair. Its not someone’s fault if they are born with it.
Im bipolar, but when I see people making comparisions all the time, it really bugs me- when people point fingers amd say “oh you would never say that to someone who has ______”. The “we have it so much worse” attitude just screams of wallowing in self pity.
The thing is, people do say those things to those who have other diseases. When a friend of mine got cancer, people around him immediately said that he shouldnt have smoked too much- they continued until he died. Same with another who ended up with stomach cancer- people actually told him in a matter of fact way that if he didnt drink so much, he wouldnt be dying. When my grandfather got cancer, my aunt who took him out to dinner a few days earlier was blamed. My family has a history of diabetes and whenever im spotted having a coke, i get told straight out that if i ever get it as well, itd be all my fault. My grandmother who has diabetes and heart problems gets told all the time to just watch what she eats better whenever symptoms youd normally expect shows up.
I rarely see cancer sites insinuate that people who suffer from other illnesses arent discriminated against, but somehow this kind of thinking is practically preached in the mental illness community. Its derogatory and just as flippant.
I don’t think this is neccessarily true. Your examples merely demonstrates that there are indeed clueless, insensitive idiots who, for some reason, feel compelled to “share” their ill-formed thoughts (and why is it these same people cannot seem to keep their mouths shut?). I am really tired of people saying mental illness is nothing but an excuse (are you one of these clueless insensitive idiots?) I know people who were diagnosed with cancer, and yes they did have to deal with idiots, but for the most part, most of the people around them were supportive and compassionate. But with mental illness, society discards you. They are the nameless and faceless homeless people on the streets. They are the aunt or uncle in the attic that no one wants to acknowledge. Even your own family may turn their back on you. And I can bet this doesn’t happen because of cancer or diabetes. This is what stigma is. Stigma is being treated not only differently, but with contempt and disrespect. The sad part is, unbeknownst to most of the people judging, people suffering from mental illness are just as equally bewildered by their own behavior as you are! I can assure you of that!
Wow! Just Wow! I don’t think anyone could have made a more to the point, and utterly brilliant reply. Your rebuttal was genius. Thank you.
I agree with you, but that doesn’t diminish my compassion for mental illness. As if people with mental illness pity themselves more? I’ve met people with diabetes etc who cry about it daily. Who am I to judge? I used to be the kind of person who was ignorant and uncompassionate to problems like so many others. You know, before my own kicked in. It made it impossible for me to be compassionate towards myself either. When I had to look at myself closely in life that’s when I changed. Maybe people making these judgments really need to be called on their bull in life, and it’s yet to happen to them. So yeah, I think people would benefit from having a less ignorant, more conscious attitude. I really wouldn’t want to reach a nursing home age still acting like a bitter, guilt-mongering monster. I don’t envy people who get to that point and still lack emotional intelligence. I don’t bother to understand that mentality anymore.
I think the fact that most people get knee-jerk blame for their conditions illustrates the kind of species we sometimes are. We don’t mean to be insensitive, it’s just a flaw that happens when we don’t pay attention to our surroundings. I’m sure people look back on those they hounded to death and regret it later. They just weren’t conscious and thinking maturely at the time. A lot of people deflect blame just as a measure of survival – not having to care as much about others, focus on their own ends, etc. But then they pay so little attention that they wake up one day, and they haven’t appreciated anyone.
It would be nice if more people stopped and smelled the roses, and listened without judgment. But unfortunately this is hard for many people. And as I said I was like this before my own experiences with mental illness and just life in general kicked in. People always feel judgmental and invincible…UNTIL their own life falls like a house of cards. So we should all be grateful for bettering ourselves as people, and try not to get too hung up on those that haven’t. I wouldn’t change who I’ve become to be the more judgmental narrow-minded person I was when I was younger. I’m happier now.
Side note: How do you know people with mental illness don’t have experiences with physical illness? The mind is a physical organ that is also misunderstood. People can convince you that you are the cause of anything, mental or physical. Entire schools of thought try to legitimize this idea. It used to be just the religious people telling you the cause of everything is the Devil. Now it’s conspiracy theory vegans who think you are ill because you ingest food dyes, fluoride etc. I’ve actually heard people say “have a special diet and you won’t get cancer.” Even doctors can be very pessimistic in someone’s recovery, mental or physical.
I don’t think there’s any sense in deciding who “deserves” less stigma. All kinds of stigma are bad. They enable people to pass ignorant judgments… So go ahead and say mentally ill people deserve stigma and that will overlap into your own life, as the same ignorant people will judge you. Lack of compassion begets the same. Or have compassion and you may teach others the same. Your call.
This is such an important point. People forget that the mind is physical. I have a physical disability and an autoimmune disorder, and in a sick way, I am glad I have them because people can see it and people are more understanding. They are a million times easier to deal with and treat than having a mental illness. And having a mental illness made the diagnosis harder to get, and being stable enough to go to the doctor and ask for help.
When you have a mental illness or disability, that makes your quality of life so much worse, as you are less likely to look after yourself or be able to get help for any medical conditions.
This is all fine and dandy, but if you have a mental illness that can cause harm to others through emotional abuse, random neglect of responsibility or the risk of transmitting disease during a manic spree, you should not be in a relationship. Have friends that’s fine, but not wreck someone else’s potential for a happy life because some people spit out sappy advice because it’s a sibling who needs rescue. This is just another pat on the hand saying now now there we love you we accept you. Fine live with them, go broke, get so emotionally invested that you can’t see yourself without them and then let them unravel their web of complication and slow agony on you as you struggle to find what is up or down. I believe if you are a symptomatic from mania or depression, stay away from them! Empathy is for moms of an adolescent or a committed partner who treats a sound mental person for a physical injury. I’m sorry but there is such a thing as keep your crazy to yourself and leave good relationships for people who don’t blame their behavior on a disease. Get help, get on your meds and leave the nice people for decent folks who have the ability to fulfill their lives with normalcy. I’m sick of bipolar patients checking out of society and we enable them to just come right back. When do we take our turn to drop the ball and be irresponsible? Maybe we need a vacation from reality, a shopping spree without cause and a night in someone’s life to just free ourselves, but we remain responsible. The sick codependents that you are enable these people to continue to hurt innocents and is just as bad as a criminal running around spreading aids. May you all realize one day the turmoil you are feeding with your comfortable pjs on as you spray kerosene then politely turn off the contact when you have to go back to your comfy lifestyle. When you’re loved one harms someone will you stand in court and enable them there too ? So many untold stories of people who lose their lives in the crosshairs of some mentally ill person either giving them a heart attack or worse. Do the right thing walk away let them seek professional help and stop playing with people’s lives for fun. Anyone who truly walks and lives with a bipolar knows that life cannot be lived until they are either gone or away at work. Everything else is just another step away from an episode to affect the psyche of both them and their kids. Grow up people feed the poor, help the sick who are dying of disease but by god leave the bipolars alone they have had enough coddling for a flipping lifetime with these self help sites. Oh you killed your cat it’s ok you were just sad it will not be ok and is not ok for anyone to be left alone with any pet or child in this condition. What is wrong with the world these days??
This is a really sad response, obviously written by a person filled with rage and bitterness. I agree, sometimes dealing with someone suffering with bipolar can be taxing and at times even horrific. I think its okay to express that anger in an adult fashion – preferrably directly, face to face with the person in question. What I completely object to is your sweeping generalization that ALL people suffering with a mental illness are dangerous and any involvement with “them” can only lead to misery. You’re merely perpetuating the media’s portrayal of mental illness based on ignorance and sensationalism. You’re subscribing actions that SOME people with a mental illness may exhibit to ALL people with with a mental illness. You may be making a firm judgement about someone based on what occured when exhibiting symptoms instead of who they are as a whole. It is easy to do. Symptoms are often disruptive. It may even be shocking and disturbing. I know, I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it. But by putting judgement and rage aside, I can see the person before me suffers in ways I will never understand. I can see the remorse and guilt. I can remember that there were many more good times than bad, and the bad may eclipse the good because it was frightening to me. I can see that those who successfully deal with their illness are lucky enough to have people in their lives who are not so shut down as you appear to be. I am sorry that what may have occured in your situation was bad. You always have the option to walk away, and if you peruse this blog, you will find articles written completely supporting that option. But please, try to deal with your rage in a constructive manner. That sort of thinking is the seedling of far more dangerous and destructive actions because it is based on fear and ignorance, and dehumanizes others in the process.
Your reaction, vented here, would seem to suggest that you should not be involved with anybody who has a mental illness, or indeed, anyone who might (which is potentially anybody) for the time being, at least.
I’ve been reading this and other forums for a while and see this time and time again. Everytime there is bitterness. Everytime the person complaining can’t see their own contribution to the failed relationship. Everytime myself and countless others are deemed accountable for what happened in your own private world of two.
It’s people who make relationships fail, not bipolar disorder. There are two people in every relationship.
Majority of you who say that you have mental illness seem to have no trouble constructing a coherent and logical sentence. Not only that, you’re perfectly aware about what is happening. No offense, but I find most of you complain too much. If you say you have a mental illness, I simply CANNOT avoid judging you. If you see a fat and sloppy person, you’re going to judge him or her are you not? I’m going to say it again, I was diagnosed with depression in the past, but I am so glad I didn’t buy into the label. Sure I was extremely sad during that period of time, but that sure isn’t a chemical imbalance in my opinion.
If mental illness is legit, then there wouldn’t be such a stigma. And if it IS indeed legit, then I suppose you people need to wait until when the stigma finally is gone. (And if it truly is, then society will eventually fully accept it). Explain to me why the rate of mental illness has increased so drastically? Majority of people are making excuses. It’s a human thing to do.
http://www.lifeinthefastlane.ca/man-cut-in-half-lives-to-walk-again/offbeat-news
Compare this to your “depression”. Life’s tough. I find it stupid to accept that you have a mental illness. People are definitely going to judge you. I wouldn’t be proud of it either. If I had a mental illness, I’d hide it. If a psychiatrist diagnosed me with something, I rather disagree with him than agree with him. But hey, this is just my opinion.
John,
Not to minimize your experience with depression, but I have to question whether your response really reflects your experience, or your denial of it, and as your response seems to lack compassion, I am guessing it is the latter. Sure, in some cases labels are being tossed around willy-nilly, and I get the argument that this is being perpetuated by big pharma, etc. That being said, there are truly people who do suffer, and to dismiss their experience as merely a weakness, an inability to shrug off some label, is not right. And I don’t believe that ALL people judge, nor do you have to be one of them. Judgement really stems from some sort of ignorance. Open your mind and you’ll find yourself being less judgemental.
John, I have the privilege of reading your insightful piece and constructing this sentence due to treatment for mental illness. I nearly became homeless and nearly died. Your logic dictates that I suffered this because I like to complain and make excuses. I bow to your clairvoyant ability, to discern this about me, and other unknown persons, on the other side of the world from you. I’ll try to remember not to make excuses next time.
All that time that I studied for and worked in a professional job, I was really not getting enough attention so I thought I would play sick and quit and lie on my bed for months alone. It was my plan all along, and thank you , thank you so much for revealing it because now I can go back to work.
OMG!!! Thank you for posting this.. I have been dealing with this disorder for a long time and didn’t realize that’s what it was until I recently started going to counseling.. My husband tells me to stop making excuses and just get up off my ass and go make things happen for myself. Didn’t he think if I was in my right mind that I would do that. I have so many goals but my depression has been getting the best of me and it hurts. It got even worse in June when I lost my grandfather, one of the most important people in my life. My husband also told me that although I love my grandpa, its time to move on from that because my grandfather wouldn’t want me to be sad but “hello” my grandfather just passed away 5 months ago. I am still grieving. I have cried out for help and as I stated before, my husband tells me that i’m weak, time to get over the past and just do what I need to do (making my dreams happen). He always says, “Ive been through a lot of stuff too but you don’t see me around here moping about it. What works for one person doesn’t work for someone else. I have always been goal driven and a go getter, but lately my drive has been unmotivated due to bi polar disorder. Heaven knows I want to get up and make things happen for myself but its been extremely hard. Its not that easy. People treat mental illness as its nothing and I take true offence to that!!! Mental illness is extremely prevalent and its no joke.
I have been told that I need to “Just cheer up” before, which is like telling a person with a broken leg to “just walk it off”.
I have been told “you had better cheer up if you want me to stick around”
I have been told “drink more water and exercise”
I never even asked for advice. Thank you for posting this. People need to realize that mental illness is a VALID ILLNESS.
So true. I’ve been told the same thing. It’s true. *just cheer up* is like asking someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. I say this often, but the ones who have *advice* are often the ones who talk endlessly about something they truly have no understanding about.
Thanks you!:) Finally someone has the nerve to point it out:) Mental Illnesses are NOT the persons fault. Autism is a mental Illness, and is it the persons fault they have it? No. So how come Depression, Bipolar, Anxiety and so on the persons fault? It makes no since! Anyway, Thanks for posting this:D
If mental illness, i.e. depression, bipolar, and on down the line to more severe and crippling diagnoses, are the person’s own fault, then it is YOUR fault for being unemployed, bald, shy, fat, conceited, proud, rude, inpatient, intolerant, ugly, uncaring, opinionated, arrogant, boring, lazy, selfish, and otherwise not perfect.
Hi Natasha
I heard the usual cry and hue again just the other night about the necessity of getting off all medication because it’s just soooo bad for the body. Oh yes…”as soon as possible you HAVE to get off all that crap! It’ll KILL ya!” It was a very smart and educated man who was telling me that but he just hasn’t been where I’ve been. It was so damn frustrated when he accused *me* of not listening when I told him that this was the best I’ve been in my entire life, far from the ideal as it is.
He just kept pointing out the other physical ailments I have. Most of them are gentetic. I have irritable bowel syndrome that is now in high gear and I’m having difficulty regulating my medication because of the diarrhea. Too much hypomania going on and the reaction to that being depressive episodes…ping pong, ping pong…damn, eh? But I’ll work on it from the food end of it trying to bulk up with fiber to slow things down. I just got a prescription for a low dose sedative to take during the day to interrupt the hypomanic episodes and get a grip on that and the obsessive/compulsive overdoing it. There are things that can be done to manage the patterns. I don’t have to just flip flop helplessly about on the rollercoaster of my moods!
But without chemical intervention I would be screwed. Control bipolar type II with diet? Yeah right. Nice fantasy. Maybe for some, but certainly not for me. Chemicals will kill me? Not as fast as the absence of them.
I white knuckled it for forty years trying desperately – and through really BAD choices of other methods – to control the shitstorm within and it damn near killed me (with my help and occasional intention) too many times to count. I should be ashes by now. I’m still alive and here to stay. I won’t be shamed or bullied away from what has brought me some measure of peace.
Steph
Good for you, Steph. :) Don’t let someone else, even if they have good intentions, bully you from something you know is working for you.
Ironically I’m also suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. And just got put on Vybriid (spelling?) which seems to be making it a little worse. Lovely to go on something to help your depression that then causes the medication in your system to bounce around! Weee.
So, yeah, depression getting a little better, then getting screwed up by medication being flushed away. The Vybriid was added to another anti-depressant I’m on. The first anti-depressant’s dosage is now limited down to the level I’m currently at (I used to take it in higher doses during a different period of time I was on it), due to it now being considered dangerous for your heart at higher doses. Ironically, I’m pretty sure suicide is more dangerous for my heart than the 1st anti-depressant I’m on, lol.
OCD/Depression are my mental illnesses of “choice”. Some recently awful situations have triggered much worse depression and anxiety. With OCD, it’s either one or the other.
You are reminding me that I need to work on what I eat better… more fiber, and low calorie, low bulk meals. I seem to be fine as long as I don’t pig out either in large amounts of food or in high calorie food. Either of the latter, and sometimes dairy, can trigger an IBS incident.
One has to wonder if IBS isn’t a contributing factor in some mental illness. Maybe if our bodies are denied certain nutritions for long enough due to our bodies flushing them out periodically, maybe it causes are brain chemistry to be off? Or maybe the stress of our brain chemistry being off starts to make our bowels to be super-touchy.
HI Stephanie,
I agree – good for you. People _shouldn’t_ try to shame or bully you, but if they do, you can’t give in to them! You absolutely know what is working for you and you don’t have to justify that to anyone. Until He has been in your shoes, he has no right to judge, let alone tell you what will “kill” you.
You know what kills? Untreated mental illness.
Yeesh.
– Natasha Tracy
I hate being given advice as though I haven’t already done everything anyone could possibly suggest…like exercise, meditation, etc. It’s funny because the person who does this to me the most is a friend who also suffers a mental illness. She is always telling me that I need to do the things she is doing to deal with my illness, especially force myself to be more social and open. In my mind, she isn’t well when she says these things to me. She seems to be pushing her feelings about herself onto me. We’ve actually had to stop being friends after 10 years because I just can’t handle that she doesn’t respect that I am doing what is good for me. It’s like she ignores all my good work and focuses on my weaknesses. It’s too bad because I would have thought our similar experiences would have assisted us in supporting one another.
Hi Rebecca,
Well, I’ve always said that “true believers” are the most obnoxious about things and a true believer is generally someone for whom a particular technique works. So someone with a mental illness can really be the biggest pusher there is. I’m sorry it harmed your relationship, sometimes it’s hard to maintain perspective that everyone is unique.
– Natasha Tracy
Amen.
Funny how apparent it is when listening to someone else who you dont even know but manages life with the similar “affliction” can feel like a kindred spirit.
Very frustrating avoiding the crazy label just because at times you think you see things more clearly than most ( ich may even be true, especially when not in a “high”) which is why I gather is why some people tend to take the rose tinted shades off! Some people genuinely would rather be ignorant , but heck I reckon ignorance is bliss 9 out of ten times!
Basically my wife likes to make me wear the label as it means it is not about her. That is really difficult to deal with. Anything you say or do immediately arrests you as someone who is “dealing” with something so therefore it is your wrong doing. ( not being overly sensitive, over a martyr , it just is how people prefer to operate.) Just had to try and live/trust someone that would rather lump it on you than take ownership.
Peace.
J
Hi Jinbo,
Well, yes. Seeing troubles in someone else is sometimes the thing that sparks understanding in our lives, because, yes, it’s absolutely easier to see things in others.
And, in case you were wondering, I embrace the label, “crazy” but that’s me (and it depends on how it is said, obviously) http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/06/are-bipolars-crazy-i-am/
But you are right that sometimes people write you off as “ill” so they don’t have to take responsibility for anything. And that is sure frustrating.
– Natasha Tracy
Amen.
Funny how apparent it is when listening to someone else who you dont even know but manages life with the similar “affliction” can feel like a kindred spirit.
Very frustrating avoiding the crazy label just because at times you think you see things more clearly than most ( which is often true as a reasonably EQ equipped being) . Some people genuinely would rather be ignorant , but heck I reckon ignorance is bliss 9 out of ten times!
My wife prefers me to wear the label as it means it is not about her. That is really difficult to deal with. Anything you say or do immediately arrests you as someone who is “dealing” with something so therefore it is your wrong doing. ( not being overly sensitive, over a martyr , it just is how people prefer to operate.) Just hard to try and live/trust someone that would rather lump it on you than take ownership. IT really pisses me off because somehow managing an illness seems to make you less qualified to see what is going on….
Peace.
J
What I hate is hearing, “Well, what happened? You were doing so well!” when I have a setback-as if I somehow did something wrong to cause me to spiral back into the pit.
Hi Just Me,
That is one of my favorite’s too, but you just have to keep in mind that for _other_ people something does happen to make them feel better or worse. They’re just looking at you through their lens – a lens where things make sense. Unfortunately, the world of bipolar doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
– Natasha Tracy
Wow — I really need to quit commenting (and reading) your page that talks about saying “goodbye” to the mentally ill. What’s weird to me is that this page about mental illness is almost the complete opposite. Now even I feel like I’ve had a mood swing.
Peoples’ misunderstanding is very frustrating. Just the other day, my boss was complaining about our top developer, and how flaky he is because he has bipolar. He felt he should be able to “just snap out of it”. So common.
It took a very long time for my partner to understand my depression, and that I couldn’t just “snap out of it”. He often called me melodramatic, which made it worse. He was terrible at handling me, but he’s pretty much learned now.
And so, it’s something I think about a lot. It’s not really their fault – its pretty incomprehensible when you don’t deal with it yourself. I in fact caught myself in a similar unsympathetic mindset recently. A friend of mine is ADHD, and for my whole life, I always just thought ” oh they’re hyperactive sometimes woop dee doo” and didn’t think much of it. Until after knowing this guy for some years, that my eyes opened to just how much ADHD actually affects your life. I feel bad now for not being more sympathetic.
Hi Ash,
I agree, it _is_ really tough when you don’t suffer from it. I just wrote about that on HealthyPlace, actually. But I do think that if a person _wants_ to understand, they can, but they have to want to be compassionate and do the work to get educated about it.
And, just for the record, in the past I was not as compassionate as now. I fell into the trap that society has set suggesting that “only kids have ADHD” and “kids are only diagnosed with ADHD because their parents want to drug them” and so on. But now I know much more about mental illness, of course, and about ADHD and I may not understand what it is to have ADHD but I have compassion, and that goes a long way.
– Natasha Tracy
I hear about exercise all the time. “Just start walking’. My boss believes that my vegetarian diet has made me sick. (I was diagnosed with depression in 2000; Bipolar II in 2006. I’ve only been a vegetarian since 2008…Doesn’t add up unless I really suck at math. ) My Mom tells me if I would only ‘stay positive’ I wouldn’t have bipolar anymore.
I loved reading all of these replies. It’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one dealing with ignorance.
Hi Sabrina,
Ah yes, exercise. The cure-all for people who know nothing.
The head of bipolar studies at Harvard does recommend that people with bipolar disorder exercise – he recommends starting out walking 15 minutes a day because he feels that’s manageable for most people. However, he doesn’t claim it will _treat_ bipolar as much as be healthy and helpful for each individual person. So, if the head of bipolar studies at Harvard says that, it’s good enough for me.
And as for vegetarianism, yes, I have no doubt that changing your diet in that fashion could make you feel bad if it resulted in missing nutrients, however, there is no reason why it has to. Vegetarians who make it a long-term choice generally know quite a bit about nutrition and know how to get their nutrients in meat-free ways. As long as you do that, there should be no problems.
(And, as you said, in your case it doesn’t even make sense anyway. And if you were to develop symptoms, I would suggest that bipolar wouldn’t be the symptoms that you would manifest.)
And yes, many of us, maybe all of us, deal with such ignorance, but I find that when you manage to get a little vent on, you feel better about it and can handle the next misinformed person :)
– Natasha Tracy
Most of those accusations are so ridiculous they don’t even need any further commenting, but the Christian one broke my heart a little, so I wanted to throw out there for anyone who has heard something like that, that there is nothing in the Bible saying anything like that and no major religion I know of that would argue that. Jesus healed, not condemned,people with mental illness. I think the problem is that some people think God micromanages everything (I had a friend once tell me he thought God was calling him to eat pizza that night for dinner…seriously), and if he does, then they have to come up with some explanation for bad stuff happening, and they end up with stupid conclusions like that mental illness and tragedies must be the result of sin/blashpemy/whatever. They’re totally wrong, and not supported by the Bible or the past couple thousands of years of theology. Mental illness is NOT your fault, and it doesn’t make God love you even one tiny ounce less.
Hi AnonymousMom,
Well, while some of the comments seem not to need reply, they hurt real people nonetheless.
I have my own personal beliefs about higher powers and the like and they’re not religious in nature, but I will say that any religion that says that you _have_ to be a part of it to be well is no religion that’s worth the time. In my opinion.
And I thank you for putting the positive message out there for people who feel tormented by this idea that somehow god is punishing them or doesn’t love them. That message is an important one and while I, perhaps, wouldn’t deliver it in that manner, I’m glad that someone did.
Thanks,
– Natasha Tracy
Oh, my gosh. This is so much like the whole “if you’re not successful or if bad things are happening to you, then you must not be blessed by God and/or are not right with God.” God never said that becoming a Christian would make your life easier. Shoot, there are tons of people who went through horrific circumstances in spite of being right with God. Job is one of them. Then there’s the time Elijah got super depressed and scared, even though he’d just had a major victory for God, and went hiding in the mountains. God had to help him out with his depression.
There’s a thing called Prosperity Christianity. Or something. It’s totally not true. We can depend upon God to help us through the dark times in our lives, but we will still have dark times. Matter of fact, when we become Christians, we often end up having even harder times because, well, the devil doesn’t want us to have it easy! Go figure.
There’s also the idea that if we were better Christians, then we’d have good health and/or no mental illness. I seem to remember Paul praying to God to lift some sort of problem he was having, and God telling Paul “my Grace is sufficient”. I don’t know if it was a physical problem, or a temptation he had a hard time dealing with, or what. But anyway, making people feel like they must be bad Christians if they are suffering a mental or physical health problem is EVIL. God may in fact heal us from what we are suffering from, but it will be in His time. And the important thing is to rely on God through whatever we are suffering from.
FYI, I’m not always that great on relying on God, or in being patient with God when my life has taken a turn for the worse, lol. So please don’t consider this a judgement on my part of those of you who are having a hard time relying on God while going through the crap that is physical or mental illness.
{{{HUGS}}} to all of you guys. Hang in there.
I agree with Sithsnoopy. People who believe that Christians should all have smooth, easy lives just aren’t reading their Bibles. I believe that God allowed this affliction for a reason. Maybe to make me a more sensitive, compassionate person than those who condemn because they haven’t suffered.
Had the comment today “go to the gym and your problems will be solved”, what they fail to realise is my Bipolar symptoms stops me from getting to the gym
Hi BipolarTweets,
That is something that many people experience but others, without illness, find it hard to wrap their head around it. Many people don’t “want” to go to the gym, but few people experience the kind of barrier that those with an illness do.
– Natasha Tracy
It is my fault. I feel like I am being punished for past sins, bad karma something.
i can’t even kill myself right. Every one I meet I destroy. I am like Midas in reverse.
Honestly, I do feel like I am being punished for something, all my sins, past present and future.
Hi Anon,
I can understand why you feel that way – I really can. I have felt that way as have many other with serious illnesses.
But that’s just it – disease is _never_ your fault. Disease is a bad roll of the dice. It’s a bad hand of cards. It’s not something you brought on yourself, it’s something that life just gave you.
Read about why bad diseases happen to good people here: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/meaning/bad-diseases-happen-good-people/
Because you can be an absolutely _great_ person and still have this disease. This disease isn’t about karma it’s about luck – bad luck.
But you don’t have to be controlled by it. Yes, my daily life is structured around my illness and trying to promote my wellness but that doesn’t mean my disease controls all my actions – it doesn’t.
It sounds to me like you’re going through a really rough patch right now and you’re blaming yourself for far more than is reasonable. The fact that you haven’t killed yourself, for example, is a _good_ thing. It shows your survival instinct is _working_. It shows how much you want to be here, in spite of all the pain.
Please get some help for how you’re feeling. Therapy is a good choice because they can help you work through your feelings of self-blame, and of course, you should see a psychiatrist as well.
Please know that you’re not alone and there are thousands of people struggling just like you. But it’s not their fault and it’s not yours.
– Natasha Tracy
“you are wired wrong”, “you do nothing to better yourself”, “you always blame your actions on your so-called illnesses”, “you just need to get yourself up and get a job and keep your mind active on something other than yourself”, “you are so self centered upon yourself and that’s why you have these problems. If you would focus on other people more, you’d not be so focused on yourself and you’d feel better about yourself.”, “you just need to exercise more”, “you just use your bipolar as a excuse not to work”
those are some of the comments made to me by “others”
i’ve suffered with mental illness since I was wee little.. have seen countless therapists and psychiatrists, have been hospitalized many times over… have been on countless meds off and on for many many years… yet, I do NOTHING to better myself, use it as a excuse, and I’m so focused on myself and not others
funny… when I’m afraid I’m going to actually kill myself.. I check myself in to a hospital that I so utterly do not want to go and fight going. Why? Because I have a child that I love… yet I do NOTHING to better myself, use it as a excuse, and I’m so focused on myself and not others
Different types of work environments de-stabilize my hard struggle to manage my illness(es) on a daily basis.. .yet, I work and I typically do Full Time (when I can find it).. sometimes the illness(es) intervene and interrupt… I still try to work each day with madness raging within my mind and the will to NOT step out into oncoming traffic at times
yet i use it as a excuse not to work, am only focused solely on myself, do nothing to better myself, and use it as an excuse for my actions (cause sometimes I tell the “others” to go to Hell in so many words.. many direct words).
Yet… If I had cancer or Alzheimer’s or some other devastating, yet equally mentally/behaviorally affecting disorder… I’d likely get compassion, assistance, encouragement, support… well, nah… likely not… cause it would still be from the same “others” and I’ve seen how they are when I had a near death car accident 5 years ago and was disabled for nearly 9 months after wards….
no one, who does not do battle with their own mind, on a 24/7 basis… has absolutely no utter clue the energy it absolutely takes to win that battle… and keep breathing… and keep standing… and keep working.. and keep taking care of loved ones… and keep on stepping
no one
Hi Tabby,
I can read the frustration in your words. I’m sorry the people around you haven’t been more supportive.
I might suggest though, you’re taking those remarks a little too personally. It sounds to me like you’re ruminating on them when it would be better to see them as false and let them go. I wrote about this here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/12/youre-narcissistic-getting-over-insults/
(Just a suggestion. I could be wrong. You might just be venting, which is OK too.)
I agree it’s very hard for those without a mental illness to know what we go through. Sometimes people find it helpful to print out articles from this blog (or anything else that speaks to you) and give it to their family or friends to read. Sometimes this third party can express things in a way that helps people to understand more. Sometimes it’s too hard to do it ourselves.
I’ve been writing about bipolar for nine years now and I’m still not sure that anyone “gets” me. But I do believe that others are capable of huge compassion if we let them. They don’t necessarily have to “get” it in it’s entirety but they can simply express compassion for that which they don’t understand but see as pain.
So I guess I’m saying, don’t give up hope on people. Sure, some of them won’t support you, but some of them out there will surprise you.
– Natasha Tracy
I’ve been pretty lucky with my friends’ and families acceptance of my disease. All accept it, and most understand it. I guess that’s a product of being raised by and being friends with well educated middle class people. I think most people knew there was something going on, my behaviour was so ‘abnormal’ (at least to them), but perhaps I was just eccentric, like my grandfather.
The only little issue is my parents, who want me (a non-religious person) to come and have prayer for healing, god bless their souls :-). Well I guess that’s an indication that they accept something is wrong!
Hi @ar610,
It’s great to hear that you’ve been lucky with other’s acceptance. It good to hear some people have that experience. Yes, well educated people do tend to understand more, but I find it’s really the compassion of the people involved that matters – not their socio-economic status. In fact, people who have been through more trials, may be even more compassionate. I can always educate someone about the illness but I can’t grow compassion.
Well, the religious issue is one that many of us face with family members. All I can suggest is that it works for some people and not for others and I just try to respect their values and hope that they can respect mine.
– Natasha Tracy
Believe me, I could see that “you are responsible for your mental illness” in the eyes, body language, actions and their words to me from my family, parents, siblings including. Things like “hey, you should not go deep in to the study of what you want to know, you go so deep…”. That was since I was spending lot of time in my life apart from work, in the in-depth analysis on Spirituality by all possible means. What he meant was, “you are doing too much of a thing, thinking too much on it”, etc. And my journey in Spirituality is the one which helped me most, to manage my bipolar disorder myself, even without support of anyone, while continuing to work also. I could see the family blaming me for my disorder. It really made me sometime to consider and think about their viewpoints too. Thank God, I could brush them aside down the line. Yes, I do agree I can put a better effort to manage myself in a better way. There is no limit to improvement. But what they do not know is, how difficult it becomes for someone with mental illness, to put their mind and life style in order. Even today, my parents say things like: “hey, he will get back that disease if he starts doing that kind of job”. They may mean that kind job puts me under stress to relapse. May be they are concerned too. But that hurts me also, since they are telling “hey, that guy cannot manage not to get a relapse if he does that kind of job”, that questions my capability, and discouraging: because I believe I can do it and manage myself. So I started not to allow any one to hurt me by realizing their ignorance, and by choosing to give zero value to it. None can hurt me now, since I do not consider them even with an iota of seriousness. I just do not buy their nonsense.
–Adithya
Hi Adithya,
Yup, you’re right, you can see that judgement in others, not just through words.
“Too much thinking,” yes, I do that. And while there are side effects to too much thinking (really) I’m still not convinced that’s altogether bad. Although I will say that existing only in your head isn’t necessarily healthy (not that I’m suggesting that’s what you’re doing).
You are not alone with your quest for spirituality – many people have this quest regardless of mental wellness and it helps many. If anything I would think it would be particularly interesting.
It’s true, most people do not understand how difficult it is to manage the illness and how much invisible work we do every day. Perhaps being more forthright about this might improve their understanding. (I’ve found that we often hide all the work we do and this doesn’t help the understanding of others.) And yes, there is no limit to improvement but I find it’s best to focus on the wins and not how far more we could possibly go. It’s a lot of pressure we don’t need to think that way.
I know it’s insulting when someone suggests you can’t do something because of your illness, but honestly, it’s just because they care and don’t want you to be sick, at least, that’s how I would see it. They don’t truly know your capabilities – you do, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt about their motives and also realize that they can sometimes see something you can’t. IE, maybe how much worse you mental health is with a high-stress job. Sometimes others see that more clearly than we do. Not that I’m suggesting you can’t do it, just that their concerns might not be out to lunch
But I will say that you are right, if you don’t care about someone’s opinion, they can’t hurt you. Recently a commenter said, “do you ever get anything right?” to me, but it was OK because I didn’t care about the person’s opinion to start with. So you do absolutely have to know who to listen to :)
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
“Too much thinking”, if that’s straining the mind, beyond certain limit, can sometimes act as a trigger for a relapse. After all, just like the other body organs, brain has also got its limits, specially because the brains almost takes up 25 % of energy of the body, blood supply or oxygen etc. It has got physical limits. If we push the brain beyond limits by way of “too much thinking”, specially for people with mental disorder, that is a problem obviously. We know, mind and body act and react up on each other. When we think, obviously the brain too functions corresponding to the level of our thinking. The more we think, the more the brain works and may get strained if thinking is too much. Within certain limits, thinking too much should not be a problem. I guess “side effects” that you mentioned points to my experience of the above scenarios. Still, that per say is not the problem, if that were, scientists and researchers would have suffered from mental disorders more than the general population. But research does not suggest that. The conclusion is “too much thinking” can be a cause of a relapse, but not the disorder itself. So we are not to be blamed for getting the disorder on the basis of “too much thinking”. We do appreciate concern for “not too thinking” once we get the illness.
I am just sharing my thoughts, not that you do not know, and I am very grateful to you for the resource section of your web site. I am finding a few new resources than I perused before I got here, and specially for letting us know how to know if a web site is authentic.
Through out the world, in all spiritual traditions, spirituality is about inner journey, it is more looking into our own self than looking out side. So obviously that is a science of mind : understanding mind, and going beyond the mind through the instrumentality of mind itself, it should be helping anyone in any walk of life, in any situation.And it should be helping the person with a mental disorder, at least during remission, too see that the relapse would not take over. That’s my experience anyway, cannot generalize since mental disorders are highly individualistic.
You are right, letting others know our sincere efforts helps a lot, they become more understanding. At least my wife understands :-). She knew about me having bipolar disorder, ever since we met each other, and life goes smooth at home more because of her understanding than my effort.
Yes, I always give benefit of doubt to people who care and compassionate and loving on the evaluation of me. Right, sometimes they can see better than me. Having said that. since few years, I have managed to identify the very first traces of a relapse in me, and immediately take steps like doc, relax, having a break etc. It is highly individualistic, but for me, specially, since I tend have more manic episodes, it is “the speed of the thoughts”, and less sleep which are the earliest pointers. We discussed about these on this site earlier, that was helpful. More often it is me who go for help: to a doc, before any warning from the people with whom I live 24 X 7. I may even say I could avoid many relapses by my own understanding of myself than others. But yet, they definitely helped before I reached this level of understanding in pointing out what I am going through: they could see it better than me. I believe, they may as well see better than me sometimes even in future. Open to it.
Stress=Expectation-Reality. I try to keep this mind and try to manage the disorder. Most often just avoiding known, highly stressful events helps not to relapse. Whatever is beyond our control, external events, accept and live with them with clear thinking and understanding. Emotion guided by intellect.
Your train of thoughts, analysis, reminds me of a guidance from a book, in the tradition I am born, which says: one should be moderate in whatever one does with body, sense organs (brain including) and the mind; do not be high, do not be low, just follow the middle path in “everything”.
After all, the Truth is same for all humans, in fact the entire cosmos, irrespective of all the seemingly differences.I am happy to find a resonance of that beautiful thought I am referring to in your understanding. I am sure every tradition says the same. That shows wherever the human thought excels, it will definitely reach the same Truth. We are all same in essence.
— Adithya
Hi Adithya,
Thanks for such a thoughtful comment.
When I said, “too much thinking” I meant more about the thoughts people with a mental illness tend to dwell on, which often aren’t healthy. They might be depressive, or delusional, or self-hating kind of thoughts. Or just obsessive ones. I’ve seen that sort of thing spiral really easily.
I’m really glad you’re finding new resources through my site – that is one of my goals, to promote other quality information online so people can do the research that is pertinent to them, because obviously, I can’t cover every topic.
It’s really great that you’ve developed the ability to look inside and see your warning signs early. I believe that is one of the best skills a person can develop and it can really facilitate long-standing remission in some. Unfortunately, sometimes even seeing those signs means it’s too late for some, but I believe if we pay attention we can generally reduce the severity anyway. It shows you’re being mindful, which is a goal for many people, regardless of mental health.
“Stress=Expectation-Reality”
I like that. More people should be given that little tip I think.
Thank-you for all the kind thoughts on, well, my thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to share them here.
“After all, the Truth is same for all humans, in fact the entire cosmos, irrespective of all the seemingly differences.I am happy to find a resonance of that beautiful thought I am referring to in your understanding.”
Thank-you. I believe we are all, fundamentally, the same as well.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
“Stress=Expectation-Reality”
I like that. More people should be given that little tip I think.
—–
I got that tip from a television interview of a psychiatrist. May be, you can consider a blog post or whatever way you think would give that tip to more people. Just a suggestion. You know better. The clarity in what you write, the way you bring out your mind in to words is, to say the least, is very good, since to convey something specially in mental health, in my opinion, is a daunting task. “Clarity in thinking” put in clear words. I find it difficult to express my self in these comments also. My English is not English, it is “Tinglish”. We call it here jokingly “Tinglish”, since it is more kind of our mother tongue, which is “Telugu” and its ways and means get in to our English somehow. For many, if not for all. For the same reason, please excuse me, if there is anything that does not look proper and sometimes may be even confusing: it is only because I cannot convey properly, though it is in my mind. The clarity in thinking does not come out as much clear in the spoken/written words. Anyway, there is a guy across the globe who is getting really helped by what you are doing, Myself. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.
–Adithya
Hi Adythdia,
I think it’s a good topic for a post but I have so many, I can’t promise to make it one of them :)
I thought English might not be your firsts language but I think your use of English is excellent. I get lots of commenters here from different countries, so don’t worry about imperfect English – no one’s is perfect. Just keep expressing yourself because I think what you’ve said has been beneficial for others.
– Natasha Tracy
I’ve been depressed recently and thoughts that I am to blame have been creeping in. “I haven’t succeeded in CBT, I have allowed that anger to turn inward, I’ve not been eating the right foods, I must deserve this somehow.” These are all the nasty little comments that seem to surface, seemingly out of nowhere. Your post has been a timely reminder that it’s not my fault. Thank you.
Hi Rachel,
I just want to mention that not “succeeding” in CBT isn’t necessarily your fault – which you said, but I’m reiterating. Certainly, CBT requires your effort and participation and without it, you can’t expect to succeed, but assuming you are giving that, you can’t simply assume that it will be a miracle cure either. CBT is just like anything else – it’s a tool and it works more for some people than it does for others.
I encourage people to celebrate the little wins – like that you took the step to try CBT and like the effort you are putting into the treatment – those are real wins for a person with depression. You haven’t failed at all – you have succeeded. There will be more wins too, and hopefully you can focus on those too.
Just my two cents. Thanks for commenting.
– Natasha Tracy
Relating back to a previous post, “But you don’t act bipolar so you must be making it up.”
Thank you, Natasha!
No problem, Meredith. It felt good to write and I think others are finding it feels good to read :)
– Natasha Tracy
Thanks so much for this. This is pretty on par with people trying to convince me that my disorder isn’t real, as if I would jump at the opportunity to go to the doctor all the freaking time and switch medications that do crazy things to my body. Or people saying it’s just an “excuse” for my feelings. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I don’t ever try to use my illness as a scapegoat (“Oh come on, you can’t be mad at me for getting arrested, I’m bipolar!”) and when people chalk it up to something I’ve concocted, it really irks me. And of course, as Liz said, if they say it enough times, I start to think that maybe they’re right. This of course leads to nothing good ever because if nothing is wrong with me, I clearly don’t need all of this medication or my “safe spot” or any of the other things I do to keep sane. I can just give it all up right now and move on like all the other “normal” people! Hallelujah! Why didn’t somebody tell me this before?!
Alas, it is real, it is an illness, I didn’t choose, and I don’t want it. It makes me paranoid, hypersensitive, foolish, and also makes me doubt my own emotions (am I really upset that this happened or is it just the chemicals in my brain turning this into a big deal? Do I really like this person? Am I getting a cold or am I just swinging down into depression?). I admire you for always advocating the truth. We didn’t choose it. We didn’t do it to ourselves, now back off and let us do what we need to do to take care of it.
Hi Samantha,
Yes, I agree, it is on par with arguing that someone’s illness isn’t real. I’ve written again and again about the biological manifestations of bipolar (and other) disorder and yet, people still want to say it doesn’t exist physically.
All those things you ask yourself are the same things I ask myself and the same things that many people with a disorder ask themselves. It’s the cognitive part of us trying to battle the sick part of us and that question-asking is necessary but enough to drive a person mad right there – and “normals” take that sort of thing for granted.
Thank-you, I will do the best I can to advocate the truth as I see it. And I really like this:
“We didn’t choose it. We didn’t do it to ourselves, now back off and let us do what we need to do to take care of it.”
:)
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for yet another article that spoke to one of the most grave issues I face as a woman with bipolar disorder. I have had so-called “friends” speak to me with disrespect bordering on contempt, implying that my bipolar was a choice…a ploy to gain attention. The problem with people who say things like that is that if they repeat them often enough, they start to convince me that they’re right. (Clearly, self esteem is an issue for me.) It’s hard enough fighting the disorder with tooth and nail; the last thing I need is people sabotaging my search for wellness.
Hi Liz,
Ah yes, you’re just doing this to “get attention.” One of my favorite accusations that some make. Perhaps they have a good idea as to _why_ you would want this kind of attention? Thanks, but I’d rather have attention for other reasons, say, that don’t involve doctors.
And your second point is my point exactly – those _wrong_ statements, those _hateful_ statements have power over you, especially if you’re not doing well. All that hatred just becomes internalized. Which isn’t right and isn’t fair. I would love to say we should all be strong enough to stand up to those sentiments and those that spread them, but let’s face it, we all have weak moments and other people’s opinions affect us, they just do.
All I can suggest is that you surround yourself with people who will support you and not try to make you feel bad for having an illness that is not your fault and that you didn’t ask for. And come back and read this blog entry any time :) Print it out and stick it on your fridge if it helps you to remember (some people do that with some of my posts). Because I know you know the truth, all you have to do is work on reminding yourself of it sometimes.
– Natasha Tracy
One that I’ve gotten from friends when I’m down is “you’re being manipulative”. Like I’m doing it to manipulate my friends into being supportive.
Thank you Natasha for pointing out that all those *wrong* and *hateful* statements can have power over you, particularly when you are not doing well. This is true for everyone, not only those suffering from MI. It only takes a moment of vulnerability, and unfortunately, the mentally ill IS vulnerable when symptomatic. I appreciate that you acknowledge that, but being a writer, I am sure you understand how much power words can have. Keep up the good work!
I’ve noticed that people say you are bipolar to gain attention, when they are feeling overwhelmed or burnt out. It’s as though if they say you aren’t really sick, then they won’t feel such an enormous pressure to do something about it.
Such people think it is their job to fix you. That’s an urban myth about friendship, characterised by the popular TV show “Friends”. Remember the theme song? “I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall; … like I’ve been there before”. It’s a twisted version of the amount of emotional support that friends should provide, as though they are duty bound to solve every problem that comes your way. Then, if they can’t ‘fix’ you, with a cup of coffee and a supportive ear, they think that you can’t still be friends.
“Boundaries” are the key to good friendships. I just wish I’d realised it 6 years ago before I lost all of my friends.
Yes, it is true. Some people do dismiss those with bipolar as attention seekers when they are burnt out. They may also do it because they’re appalled, horrified, disgusted – whatever it may be. Unfortunately, on the negative side of mania, the possibility of ruffling someone’s sensibilities can happen. But keep in mind that having a particularly bad episode is also a time when one demonstrates their true mettle as a friend, or as a decent human being for that matter. Perhaps due to my experiences, I am never particularly disturbed by peoples quirks and foibles – and believe me, I’ve seen and heard many forms of wacky. I’ve always entered relationships with the knowledge that you can never know everything about people. When you think you do, you’ve already set in stone what you believe that person to be. So when something wacky like a particularly nasty mixed episode occurs, folks are often caught off guard and cannot deal with the situation. It becomes difficult to reconcile who you are, and what happens to you during an episode. I’ll be the first to admit – during my last mixed episode I was terrible to be around. But I do know that is not who I am. And a true friend will know that too. And if you find yourself losing all these so-called friends as it appears to be the case with you, I suppose they were never real friends to begin with. And that is a realization that can hurt like hell when the manic “high” turns into the crushing low that is depression.
“Fault” seems to a major US/UK preoccupation. Is this a consequence of a lawyer led society or just part of the human condition that seeks blame someone or something ‘not right’. **** happens why not expend resource on (a) clearing up the mess and (b) taking steps to prevent recurrence?
Hi David,
I don’t know about that. I think fault is just another way of saying “cause.” You “caused” your mental illness. And people are just looking for that because they’re looking to make sense of what really doesn’t make sense. Not to mention the fact that no one wants a mental illness so if they can say that _you_ caused it, then it means that _they_ can avoid it.
I don’t think it’s about “fault” like a lawyer, it’s really just about trying to order the world in a way that makes sense. Unfortunately, mental illness never does.
– Natasha Tracy
The last two paragraphs really spoke volumes to me. I’m trying to wrap my mind around what I want from people – a kind work, support, affirmation of my feelings? How about a hug now and then?
I know what I don’t want – pity. I hate pity.
Hi David,
Knowing what you want from people is really hard and the answer probably varies depending on who asks and when.
But I do agree with you on pity. It’s really not anyone’s friend. But try not to confuse it with compassion, which is.
– Natasha Tracy