Parents always tell their kids, “You can be whatever you want to be.” We grow up with this notion. Moreover, we grow up with the notion that if we just work hard enough, our dreams will come true. We are supposed to “never stop dreaming.” We are told, “If you can dream it, you can do it.”

Oh for god’s sake. What a pile of tripe.

You cannot just “be whatever you want to be.” And if you aren’t sure about this, just ask bipolar, it’ll confirm it for you.

Why Do People Say ‘You Can Be Whatever You Want to Be?’

The idea that you can “be whatever you want to be” is a quaint one. It’s a nice one. It’s a cozy one. It’s like a bedtime story: “Don’t worry kiddies, your future is yours to create. Just work hard, read the right self-help books, meditate and you’ll be rich, beautiful and achieve your dreams.”

So it’s a nice thing to say, but kind of like there is no Santa Clause, the above bedtime story isn’t true either. And no matter what we’ve been told, as adults, we really need to accept this.

Why Can’t We Be Whatever We Want to Be?

Look, every body on this planet has limitations built in. For example, look at Olympians. They are very special people. For most of us, no matter how much we wanted it and no matter how much work we put in, we would certainly never become one. And most of us accept that as being quite alright.

But the same is true for many, many goals. Take the dreams of kids: being a firefighter or pilot or astronaut. Those jobs have very specific requirements that many people could never meet — no matter what. And accepting this isn’t a big deal for most people.

Bipolar Won’t Let You Be Whatever You Want to Be

And if you happen to have a serious chronic illness like bipolar disorder, be prepared to abandon many dreams because of it.

For example, my goal for my work life was to work my way up through a big company and eventually become the head of a division. I planned on being powerful and making a lot of money.

Um, yeah. I can’t do that. Bipolar has shown me very clearly I can’t be that. I can’t even work at a full-time job. I can’t even work outside of my apartment. I will never come anywhere near that dream. That dream is dead.

And people who are severely ill with bipolar disorder all have similar stories to tell. Maybe having children is off the table because of bipolar disorder. Maybe having a relationship is impossible because you’re so sick. Maybe you can’t work at all. Maybe you can’t afford to send your kids to school because you’re on government assistance.

And so on and so on and so on.

Learning You Can’t Be Anything You Want to Be

And while these things are losses and thus, tend to be inherently negative, the idea itself is not about being negative, it’s about being realistic. Being realistic about your life may not be as fun as envisioning yourself as a princess/prince, but it is more important.

As they taught me where I used to work, it’s about “managing expectations.” This is a thing you do with management (and clients, for that matter). You tell them what to expect in a realistic way so they aren’t disappointed when you deliver. If they expect X and you deliver Y, there is dissonance and unhappiness. Expectation management attempts to avoid said unhappiness.

It's nice to think we can "be whatever we want to be" but is this true? And if you have an illness like bipolar disorder, can you be anything you want?

And the same is true in all aspects of life. If you expect perfection, you will of course never attain it and be forever disappointed and unhappy. If you expect something realistic, though, you can work within that framework and find happiness.

So, no, you can’t be “anything you want to be.” That’s not real. It never was. And if you have bipolar, the boundaries around what you can be are likely even more restrictive than for the average person. I know this about my life. I can live with it.

I know people would argue with me in the ways bipolar limits one. People, in fact, get mad when I say that bipolar harms one. All I can say is: you’re not in my brain. You’re not in the brain of those who are severely impaired. If you’re lucky enough not to have a disabled brain then understand that’s exactly what you are — lucky. Other peoples’ disabilities are real and really impactful.

Don’t Tell Me I Can Be Anything I Want to Be

What bothers me is when people tell others to “dream big” or “never stop dreaming” or “shoot for the moon.” Those are ridiculous things to tell someone, especially someone with bipolar disorder. (In case you were wondering, I don’t tend to dream anything. Anhedonia is like that.)

Doing your best is a much better goal. Working with what you have is a much better goal. Understanding that bipolar disorder has removed some of your life’s options but working to thrive within its boundaries is a much better goal.

Because while I do believe you can’t be anything you want to be, I do believe you can still be something you want to be. Goal-adjustment is necessary, but meeting some goals is still possible.

And people need to respect this. They need to respect that telling people to “reach for the stars” is ableist rhetoric. They need to understand that how one is disabled is real and in many cases, immovable. Because one thing I know we can all be is more understanding.

Image by Flickr user Live Life Happy.