I get asked lots of questions, but even more questions are silently asked of Google and one of those is, “Is something wrong with you if you think of killing yourself?” The question as to whether something is “wrong” with you if you think suicidal thoughts often leads people to this blog so I thought it was important to address the question.
Thinking of Killing Yourself
I actually think the odd thought of suicide is not unusual. A friend once told me that he was unable to take an acetaminophen without thinking of the number it would take to kill him. This particular friend isn’t remotely suicidal but it’s just one of those thoughts that floats through his mind. I don’t think it means anything, per se, other than the fact that his mind is pretty active.
Of course, there are thoughts of killing yourself and there are thoughts of killing yourself.
The example above is a single thought transiently touching the mind, for many people thinking of suicide isn’t like that. For many people, thinking of suicide is almost an obsession. It seems they can think of little else.
Is It Okay to Think of Suicide?
Basically, yes. Thoughts don’t kill you, actions do. But there is a limit to this. If you’re thinking of acting on any of those thoughts, then thinking about them ceases to be “okay.” Or, more exactly, there is nothing “wrong” with you, but you do need help to ensure those thoughts don’t turn into actions.
When Should I Take Suicidal Thoughts Seriously?
That is up to you. As I said, certainly if you’re thinking of acting on any suicidal thought you absolutely need help right now. But if you’re not, then how seriously you take the thoughts are up to you. I think of all sorts of nastiness that has no impact on my real world. That’s imagination for you. It’s a play world and that’s okay.
I would suggest that if the thoughts are causing you distress, however, then you should seek help for the suicidal thoughts. That distress is probably telling you something. It doesn’t mean you have a mental illness, it just means that a psychiatric professional might be able to help you work through your thoughts of killing yourself.
Is There Something Wrong with Me If I Think of Killing Myself?
Basically, the answer is no. There is nothing wrong with you. You either have a very active imagination and these thoughts are fleeting or you are experiencing psychological (and maybe physical) pain that requires help. Either of those situations is okay. Neither of those situations means there is anything wrong with you. Thinking of killing yourself is just a psychological flag and the action it warrants is based on your personal situation. It’s great and mindful to realize that you’re thinking of killing yourself and it’s brave to admit to it. And don’t be afraid to get help for these thoughts if they’re troubling you, because that’s what help is there for. You’re not alone.
Well, interesting as this is, I’m still confused about my own question that googled me here. I think about ways of killing myself daily. I think of all the possible ways I could kill myself in the locations where I am. Most of the time, its just “Oh, I could do that with this”. While I have a high motivation to live and I also don’t have the energy to kill myself, I wondered whether these thoughts are relevant in any way. I am not uniquely stressed (college student, so probably just bad eating and lack of sleep.), though the thought of not being tired or exhausted is appealing when I think about this. Its just weird that I can’t seem to find this as a subject topic, and going to a therapist would just end up with more stress that I am avoiding (They get worked up so quickly.).
I can’t believe I google the question of this article and writing on a random website would never be something I’d do… but I feel so abnormal I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore and sometimes I think id be less of a drain in society and my family if I died, but I don’t even have the courage for that. I’ve been struggling my life whole life with bad anxiety if that can scratch the surface, but I’ve been bullied in school, I have a mentally ill Dad who was abusive to me. I thought that college would be the thing to make me better and getting work…now I’m just sinking back into fear and feeling lonely because I can’t find work and I’ve had one call back in 4 months. I feel like no one understands in my family and they just get mad at me for being useless and think I’m a lazy free loader. I’m just so scared of everything (and I was the kind of kid that got scared and started crying my first day of school for many years because i just couldn’t handle it) I don’t even feel like I belong in this society and I couldn’t stop crying today. I can’t even be useful enough to use a phone or go to a walk in clinic alone, and people tell me you’re an adult now, just get over it! But I can’t just do that everything makes my anxiety worse….
just hold on please, I believe in you. just hold on and see that things will get better you just gotta do it.
Hi Wilmer,
Please do not use multiple usernames. It violates the commenting rules. Pick one and stick with it.
– Natasha Tracy
I woke up this morning and just started to cry for the first time in months, I hardly ever cry because I’m just so nullified from so many years of hurt and inner pain, I want to die so bad every day is unbearable and predictably hopeless, I suffered so much I have lost all faith in God realizing no God worth worshiping would allow such suffering, I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up, my life has been a waste, I wish I was never born and don’t know why I was, I just don’t have what it takes to hang myself or jump off a bridge out of fear and physical pain, Although I have overdosed before, I am such a looser I am 39 years old I have no children and have never been married, women think I’m a ugly looser and unfortunately it’s true I am, It hurts so much to have no money or friends, people think I’m a piece of s–t and stupid, I have spent a lot of years in hospitals and prisons, sometimes I was wrongly accused and innocent but couldn’t afford a lawyer and was judged in a bias way, I see so many people happy and in love and I wish I could be loved also, being hated and lonely hurts so much My chest aches all day with hurt I just can’t take being here anymore………
it’s not worth it man, you have so much to live for even if you can’t see it now…. just hold out and you will se that it will subside, stay strong and keep going.
I tried killing myself a lot of times the last time I tried I put myself in a coma for three weeks I took a lot of pills,I was living in Syracuse NY Then I moved back home to GA But I stay with my mom and step dad I’m 38 years old I have nothing going for me I thought if I don’t do drugs are drank l any more I would be ok but I still want to die IM A BIG LOSER I’m stumped I’m ugly I don’t know what to do can some one please help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me.Troy
don’t do it man, you can be happy you just have to look for it, and don’t give up finding true and genuine healthy happiness. I believe in you
It’s funny on the outside it may look like you have the perfect life. Great job, family, and so forth. Yet there is this battle the wages in your mind. These thoughts “am I being walked all over by the people in my life that say they love me”, “am I just being used”…confronting them with these accusations and my “proof” but only in my mind, because let’s face it confrontation is scary…grow a pair you say, easier said than done unfortunately. It builds up. Do I just take off let the house, cars, and people go? Maybe? Then the thought of suicide slips in. Is it worth it? Would anyone really miss me? All they want is what I can give them, life insurance would fix that. Does my presence to anyone really matter? Are they slowly killing me?…. some people can’t be saved that’s life I suppose. Well got that out. Sometimes maybe it helps just to get it out, cry, hit something(not someone), yell, scream, get your adrenaline up.
I’ve tried to kill my self before but I couldn’t and just cried and cut myself for a very very long time but that was a year ago and I’m getting better but I still cut sometimes when I’m angry sad but I always regret it in the end BTW this is the first time I ever really told someone
Ihave a child with a woman and we’ve been together for 6 yrs and i found out she’s cheating.I can’t see myself goin on without her…i thought we were always goin to b together but she blames me for driving her away and she still will not admit cheating on me ….I can’t do it anymore
I dealt with serious depression for a long time, well over a decade, since I was in 6th grade. I never told anyone, because I never wanted to be put on medication. I don’t trust it.
All I can tell you is that eventually, and I know right now it seems impossible, but eventually things will either improve or you will become numb to the pain and it will begin to go away. It may take well over a decade to get to that numbing point though, as it did for me. Lately, I’ve discovered another way to deal with depression, as it still occasionally hits me from time to time.
I’ve discovered that a huge part of our own depression results from the energy that we create in our minds. If you work to create positive energy, by trying to focus on the good things like the fact she helped you have a child you love, and not on the bad things like her infidelity, then that positive energy will become more natural and be reflected back to you. Eventually the good thoughts will make you smile more, and others will see this positive energy and this change in your outlook on life, and as a result your relationships will improve.
That being said, women are very deceitful. EXTREMELY so. I’m not surprised she has cheated and lied about it. Honestly, I think way more women have done the same thing than most men can even begin to suspect. It is not your fault, and you did not drive her away, at least not consciously.
However, if you have been focusing on the negative aspects of life, she would have been affected by that, as it will negatively impact all your relationships, romantic or otherwise. Always frowning is a huge turnoff.
To fix this issue, when you begin to think negatively about a situation, try to find at least one good result of that situation, such as your child resulting from your relationship. Marriages do not tend to last for life anymore, and I blame the feminist philosophy as much as anything for this trend. However, if you can focus on the positive side of life, and project that positive energy, you will be able to form new positive relationships in the future.
I know it sounds simple when I type it here; however, being positive can be very difficult for some people and requires a part of your brain that will need exercise, especially if you have become used to focusing on the negative. It starts by thinking about the good stuff in life whenever your mind tries to default to the bad, and can be a struggle, but it has the potential for amazing life changing results.
Hopefully, this makes sense and doesn’t just sound like a bunch of BS to you, because positive energy has helped me turn my life around a lot lately.
If all else fails, think about how your child and other close to you would feel if you killed yourself. If that doesn’t help, think about how bad you would feel if they killed themselves. It’s worth staying alive to spare the ones that we love that pain of loss and helplessness. It’s the least we can do for each other in this crazy world, but it means so much more than we can imagine.
I think about suicide. All the time.
It is said over and over … I understand what you’re going through … I feel the same way … There is help out there for you … Everything will be okay … But unfortunately, it equates to reading the directory at the mall; we seek out what we want, ignoring all else in front of us.
I was diagnosed manic/depressive when I was 23 and at college, my first real time away from home. I was attending a Private Arts College. Everything was so new and exciting. I ran around trying to soak it all in. I was taking 27 units my first semester. I had no idea anything was wrong. No one knew me any different. When I crashed, it looked like the Tasmanian Devil had passed through my life. I soon fell into a depression I never thought was possible. As the years passed, I did the standard on and off medications, changing doctors when they didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear and hiding my true feelings.
I was later re-diagnosed as bipolar II mixed, with hyper mania. I would experience several mixed episodes in one day. Sometimes both manic and depressive at the same time.
When I was 35, a series of situations occured that challenged every fiber of my being. I was depressed for 2 years and entered 10 psych hospitals in one year. Some voluntarily, some not. The more I tried to hide my feelings, the longer I had to stay at each facility. I just wanted everyone to stop worrying about me, asking how I felt all the time and if I was okay to be alone. I learned a lot of tricks to avoid these unwanted inquiries. But the web was fast becoming too difficult for me to travel alone.
The last hospital I was in, I stayed over a month. My family was so ‘over’ the whole depression thing and really wanted me to just, “Snap out of it.” I eventually, reluctantly submitted to ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) to appease them. To show them I was a part of the solution.
The doctors promised, “Two or three weeks of two sessions a week and you’ll be right as rain.” Well, they obviously weren’t using the same calculator or calendar as I was. At the end of 11 months I had 143 ECT treatments. A world record apparently. That short term memory loss experienced before the sessions turned into memory loss all the way back to childhood. At least when I was depressed I could still function in society. But not after ECT.
My family tried as much as possible to fill in my lost years. Of course, it turned into a big joke. They would sometimes tell me about something from my past and later tell me it never happened, they were pulling my leg. But the truth was, if the memory was not attached to a physical action, I had no memory of it at all. Not a feeling. Not even a small thought in the very back of my mind. Nothing. In other words, I couldn’t remember how to get home from my therapists office 5 time a week without sticky notes full of instructions, but I knew how to drive a car. I couldn’t tell you what I talked about in my therapy sessions two hours after they took place, but I knew how to train an exercise client preparing for her wedding.
That was 15 years ago. Now, some people choose to return to ECT for maintenance sessions. Others need to repeat their course of sessions a few years later. But current studies showed the more time that passess since an initial sessions, the least likely a patient would need ECT to control their episodes. I’ve never gone back.
Today, my diagnosis is bipolar with mild schizophrenia. Are the DSM definitions changing year after year, or is my mental illness … ?
I’ve been with my therapist since my ECT, but I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years. He has been battling cancer. I know I should find another therapist but that would mean I’d have to surrender my deepest thoughts and fears again, with him, and myself. I just can’t do that right now. I can’t. On a positive note, I will say that for some unknown reason, I woke up one day, 3 months ago, and realized I no longer heard the 8 voices that have been corrupting the dry spaces of my mind since I was a child – and for the last 3 months, I have been the loneliest I have ever been. I can’t help but feel I would do anything to get them back!
Living on my own doesn’t really affect my bipolar either way. I have more freedom to hide my private battles. Lack of a full 8 hours sleep doesn’t ruffle my mental feathers unless it’s chronic. Constantly smiling in the default world can be tiring, but it only tickles my annoyance. What does affect me, what challenges the rhythms of my soul, is diverting from my routines. I am not OCD. That’s different. That’s a compulsion. I just need space. For me, routine is “at my own pace.” Without it I panic. Or worse, I am controlled by my label. Disruptions to my routine can include many things. Not having enough preparation time before work. Having to rush somewhere. Coming home after a vacation and resettling in to my routine. I am also affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Those types of situations push the limits of my bipolar. But I can see them. Look on paper and connect the dots. I can take some alone time to gather my senses. Talk things out with my therapist – oops, that’s a big “No!” But, even though I can see it on paper, I have no control over the regulation of my medication.
Don’t get me wrong, I am regimented when it comes to my meds. I consistently utilize the tools I was taught from early on. Cognitive Behavioural Theory (CBT), Bio Feedback in many forms and stress relieving techniques. These have even helped me go from taking 4 pills in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 9 at bedtime, down to only 3 pills at bed time and an occasional anti-anxiety pill. I do not go anywhere without a copy of my prescriptions for identification or refills/replacements. I do not go anywhere without supplies of 2 full days of medicine in case I get stuck somewhere. I know exactly what each medicine looks like so if they mixed them up with another medication, I know before I approve the refill. I even get my medications by courier from another county because my pharmacist changed jobs. I changed with him.
But I have learned over the years, that manufacturers make the same medication ever-so-slightly different. I seem to fair really well with one particular manufacturer over another. Staying with the same pharmacist helps assure the correct choice.
However, the supply of lithium I am currently taking did come from a different manufacturer. The pharmacist says their buyers purchase supplies from what ever manufacturer has the lowest prices at time of ordering. And they change their price ever so slightly, often. I am having very bad luck with this refill. I’m still functioning, sure. I am not sleeping my days away. I go to work and do my job rather well. My family is not worrying about me – of course, I haven’t let on I’m in trouble. I even have plans with a friend for dinner next week. Yet I have covered every mirror in my house with wrinkled-up newspaper. Even my mirrored wardrobe doors. On my main bathroom mirror, in bright red lipstick, I wrote, “I don’t care. It’s all a facade. It doesn’t matter anyway.” I can see the words bleeding through the paper hanging on top.
I’ve taken my time writing this blog comment. I’ve refilled my Lithium twice since I started spilling out my guts to people I will never communicate with. Each refill has been a different manufacturer. They’ve pulled me farther and farther inside. Inside a game in which I keep losing to a stale-mate.
The papered mirrors remain. The fake smiles. The day-to-day. The waterless tears. And the screams in my head. A constant reminder of how much I don’t miss spending time with family, but I miss the voices that used to corrupt the dry spaces of my mind. My true family.
I think about suicide. All the time.
hello my name is James im only 14 and i know yall might think well he is only 14 what could he possibally be goin through that is so bad but i have a really hard time at school with everyone ALWAYS putting me DOWN making fun of ME ALWAYS trying to make me FEEL WORTHLESS and my home caught on fire 3 years ago three times in one year i broke my leg in a fight standing up to a guy that WAS BULLYING ME 2 years AGO and IM MADE fun of even today about it by almost my entire school which is only 150 people pre K kindergarden elementary middle school jr. high and HIGH SCHOOL all together and i live in a VERY SMALL town with only like 900 people and recently i lost my uncle in Febuary of this year 2 days BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY FEBUARY 13nth he took HIS OWN LIFE BY OVER DOSING on PAIN PILLS this is THE REASON I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF sometimes and ineed HELP and im at ROCK BOTTOM NOW TRUST me though i know how HARD IT REALLY IS TO TELL SOMEONE WE LOVE what is going on WITH US because i HAVE ALREADY TOLD MY YOUTH PASTOR which is kinda like a SECOND MOM because ALL THE THINGS I JUST SAID HER AND HER FAMILY HAS BEEN THERE TO HELP ME AND MY FAMILY through and she IS HELPING ME and ENCOURAGING ME to get PROFFESSIONAL HELP NO MATTER WHAT it may be right now if it will help ME I AM WILLIBG TO DO ANYTHING TO GET HELP EVEN IF I HAVE TO STAY IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR A LONG time and not be able to TALK or get TO SEE MY OWN FAMIILY and i want to ENCORAGE YALL TO HOPEFULLY do THAT SOME DAY and make a CHANGE FOR YOURSELF and the PEOPLE AROUND YOU that LOVE and TRUELY CARE ABOUT YOU im to the POINT OF DO WHAT EVER IT MAY TAKE to get ME HEALTHY and CHANGE and i PRAY that YALL WOULD TO THANK YOU FOR reading this and YOUR TIME GOD BLESS and one more THING I HAVE TO SAY IS DONT i mean DONT LET YOUR PRIDE IN THE WAY because GOD TELLS US IN THE BIBLE THOSE who LET THEIR PRIDE IN THE WAY of MY HELP and GUIDANCE ARE COWERDS HAVE A GREAT NIGHT OR DAY AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU MY FELLOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST
Thanks James that was a great thing to say to us all, hope you get the professional help good luck
I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance nearly 20 years ago, and even with having the dream boyfriend, owning a beautiful house and having my dream job, I find myself completely happy and over the moon about life to not wanting to wake up the next day in a matter of seconds. It’s mentally exhausting
I have been trying my best to keep as much pain as I can inside and have been trying to keep face for so long that it feels like Im shattering from the inside out.
This is my first time actually Googling “Is it normal to think of suicide” which was incredibly confronting, uncomfortable and emotional but after reading a lot of the comments here, it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone.
I’m not sure what my next move is, I’m not sure if I have the courage to tell my boyfriend what’s going on in my little head yet, but I know that I do need help, and probably soon….. just not sure if I have the strength to ask for it…
I think it might be better to talk to your boyfriend about what’s going on but only when you feel like you’re ready to and maybe seek some help from whoever you feel like, be it a doctor or whoever, hope this was helpful, wish you the best
Hi everyone I wanted to ask a question, I’ve read through a lot of the comments on here and I’m sorry to see what’s happened/happening to you all and I hope it gets sorted soon, my question being am I a bad person for thinking of suicide and having really horrible thoughts because of my anxiety, I’m a bit religious and am just wondering as there’s not a definitive definition on being a bad person. There are of course actions and other things which makes it easy to see when someone is a bad person but I’m wondering if I’m one, I almost always try my best to be a kind, caring person to others to be a good person and I try to accept my bad thoughts as being because of my anxiety/depression and something I can’t help but on days like today where I thought that if I could get a bunch of money to leave for my family and friends and then leave them a not saying I’m alright and am somewhere else so they think that, I would. I then proceeded to think of how I’d kill myself, it being that I’d burn myself to death in a way so that my body wouldn’t be recognised, basically deleting myself from existence it was very vivid and painful and I don’t want to be a bad person because of it, sorry to focus on me I know people are in worse scenarios but I think the point of these are to get a bit of support from kind people who are in similar situations, thank you for your time
Hi all
I have been googling stuff for the last couple of days. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I just gave all my guns to a friend to look after. He wanted to know why. I told him I was worried about them getting stolen. I cry every day. I don’t want to be here any more. But then I have two beautiful kids. But I’m no good for them. I want help I want end it daily. The thought of telling anyone seems way way scarier than a 12ga round to the head.
So I can’t get help
I don’t know what’s happening
I hate myself just as everyone else does. I don’t know what to do???
Sorry!!!
I’ve been there, I was keeping everything to myself and I started losing myself more and more. Over a month I was through a priest to a prostitute and psychiatrist. I was sinking deeper and deeper. I was drowning into an oblivion of desperation. I can’t go any deeper in this instance to help you, but I tell you two things. First reach out to people, start with your best friends, they will help you ground yourself a bit. Then go to a proffessional to give you a better understanding of your mental condition. You will start realizing that you are not broken or cursed, you are lost and you need to find yourself out. Soon things will start turning. Won’t be easy, but you will start the most glorious battle of your life – the battle for yourself.
Some times it’s easier to talk to people who don’t know you. If you feel like it – ivailojotoff@gmail.com
I have been rolling through constant depression my entire life. Much like megan. It’s painful, but I also have my good times. I often feel alone, even though I have a very supportive family. I am an alcoholic, yet highly functioning my thoughts get very dark after just a single day of binge drinking. I have tried anti depressants, and those had helped for awhile with my anger, and all around dislike for the world around me. Just that human beings are truly awful, and I feel as if I have become one of them long before I was even an adult. I don’t know, the thoughts of suicide are just very powerful.
I think about suicide most days knowing however, that I never would. I’m twenty years old and yet I feel like I’m already middle-aged; how ridiculous is that?
I feel as if I’ve seen too much, if that makes sense. Really, sometimes I want to laugh at the absurdity that has been my life; I would too, were it not for the hurt that overrides everything else.
Depression is the one constant I’ve felt since I was about 10. Everything else was falling apart and so was I, not that I could really show it.
2 years ago, I thought that maybe it was over. I started to enjoy life more, but then once again everything falls apart.
Once again, the suicidal thoughts began.
I’m not selfish enough to do that. I understand how it feels to have the people you love the most want to commit suicide. It hurts everyone around.
Especially when those people are your own parents.
Life isn’t easy and the thoughts are there but it’s how I decide to carry on that really matters, I suppose.
C – I don’t know what your life is worth. I imagine a lot, but it is so easy to feel that someone else is worthy of life, love, happiness and prosperity especially when you know how devastating it is to feel (–know?) that you are not. I know you your parents love you, I know that you are young and that debt is something most people incur and are able to over come. I know the girl you are with now may not be the one for you but I also know there are people out there with whom you would be compatible and I know that it is often possible that with counseling two people that love each other and want each other to be happy can have a fulfilling relationship even if things have been rocky. I do know that there are others out there asking the same questions and a lot of those people are able to recover. I do not know what your life is worth but I believe it is worth trying. I am suicidal. I feel alone. seeing your post made me realize I am not – so, Thank You. See you in another life brother. Peace.
What is my life worth? Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. I’ve failed at everything in life and the problems just continue to pile up. I’m 18 and I’m in debt. I fight all the time with my parents. I think they don’t want home anymore. Maybe I’m just here just kind of living. I’m not going to school. I’m
Not working and I’m just breathing air. Failed attempts after failed attempts and I feel like giving up. I feel like I’m trying to put my life back together and it just doesn’t work like that. I have a girlfriend but we fight a lot. I don’t think I’m good enough for her and that just the truth. I’ve done a lot of things I regret in my life and there arent enough apologies to make up for them. I think of suicide a lot and this is this first time I’ve ever written it let alone said it out loud. What is my life worth?
My comment above was directed towards you pls read it, I submitted it incorrectly.
i just moved out my moms crib. And now my byfrd and I have our own crib. We rarely see each other or spend time together. i wrk a lot and all nights,two jobs. I am in a lot of debt. It started in 2012, when i went to live with my neice. I made a bad choice when I moved. I have no life.i dont go out much.I love my byfrd but dont trust him. i hate working two jobs and feel like im not gttn anywhere . I look in the mirror and i know im pretty,smart and independent. But it feel like something is missing. i pray everyday. But, somehow my prayers are not getting answered. All i want is a good paying job. I dont have to rich,but comfortable. My mom will be 80 this year and she looks good. I just feel like i dont even need to exist. The thought of suicide enters my mind a lot. So, i juss start to pray more when this happens. Please God just hear me………Im praying hard
Of course there is
I have nothing in my life to look forward to, I have a good job and am going to school, but sometimes I feel like I am the dumbest person ever I have an outgoing personality with a cheerful face so no one knows how I feel this way, everyone thinks I am great and happy with everything, I don’t know what to do, I am embarrassed to tell people I told my sister once and she laughed ” yeah u depressed I don’t think so ” I feel like everyone would react like this I some times wonder why the hell was I ever born. I do a lot of things for my family I have always taken care of the family and never had anyone care for me so my life is so disorganized that I am doing bad at school and work I am lost I feel like i am done with this life I just want give up
I totally get what u are saying….wondering constantly why am I here…one of my biggest issues is that I just see red after talking intensely to my husband…ands we end up both yelling…I just can’t see straight….and need some type of clearing….
Every day on my way home, I always imagine stepping out into the road and letting a car hit me. I look at slower moving cars and wonder how many bones they would break, and if that would ultimately kill me or not. At the train station, I think about stepping off onto the tracks. When I hold knives I imagine how much of me I can cut before I pass out. I don’t really think I’d act on anything because I’m scared, but sometimes I wish I had the guts to.
I am a twice divorced dad with three boys. They are why I am alive. I almost lost my life today. The stress and disappointment hit me. I feel so alone. My girlfriend is at home with her husband and she had a lunch date with her ex boyfriend from college. I am no ones too choice. Even my worthless ex divorced me. Why do we do the stupid crap we do? I often think about pills but today was violence. Bashing a car into a wall at 100mph. My thought was of my sons and I stopped. I hate life.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 35. In my teens, I suffered from depression and often thought “Why am I not dead yet?” I thought that I wouldn’t have to kill myself, that my body would’ve just had enough and I’d just die. I thought “How can I be so depressed and still live?” I wasn’t dead but I wasn’t living either, I was just existing. What do you make of that?
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that “normal” is what society has been SHOWN for so many generations. We’ve been sheltered, for so long, from people with mental or emotional differences that now that we’re seeing such individuals more and more; now that our society is becoming more and more tolerant and understanding, mental illness stigmas are [slowly] diminishing. Just not fast enough. I think, given the VERY REAL suffering, emotionally and mentally, that those with BPD and PTSD, etc, undergo on a daily basis, without and long-term reprieve, the “last frontier” if you will–death…or an END to mortality–is a logical, or natural, answer/solution to end the suffering. WHY thoughts of suicide are considered “abnormal” or “dangerous” or along those lines is because of the stark contrast such thoughts are to this illusion of “normal” that has been delivered to us for as long as societies have existed; I believe, in large part, because illnesses of the mind are/have been SO difficult to diagnose and [effectively] treat or alleviate. Boy, I just re-read what I just wrote! Can’t you tell I’m bipolar?! Ha! Again, I think suicide is more detrimental to our survivors than to ourselves. Like me, for example. I couldn’t imagine what ending my life would do to my kids and my wife. I’d hate to put them through that. I won’t. I can’t. And so…they keep me alive. Sometimes, I do feel trapped. This sounds corny, but you really do have to take it one day at a time. But it SURE does suck when you feel like there’s nothing to look forward to; like all efforts and actions in life are pointless. Such pointlessness can be/is VERY tiring and discouraging; especially when non BPD individuals simply CAN NOT relate. Sigh.
Hi Charles,
After reading your comments I agree with you I could not in the end do something to shorten my life intentionally because of the love of my wife and sons. My story is that my only daughter fell ill with a brain tumor and passed away aged 33 in Jan 14. The journey of her illness from being a beautiful woman both inside as well as out absolutely shattered my life and although I am alive in reality I am just in a world of permanent hurt and I know I am not on my own to losing a loved one it does not with respect help me in any way.
It’s one thing to think about killing yourself, but another entirely to CONTEMPLATE suicide. I know that might sound like splitting hairs, but the two really are different. Having the thought pass through one’s mind is thinking about it. Pondering on what could be done to successfully end one’s life is serious. Contemplate that! LOL
To me there is a difference between thinking suicidal thought and feeling suicidal. I read here in a of these blog entries that most people who attempt suicide (or have suicidal feelings) just want to stop the pain. If I keep the suicide issue in my thoughts it’s there with a lot of other thoughts and some of them are the voice of reason so I wouldn’t think to actually kill myself. Feeling suicidal is an extreme desire to stop emotional pain and just “die” or in my case to just not be here, i.e.:wishing I were dead. I don’t want to kill myself or die but sometimes I think about it and sometimes I feel extreme emotional pain and want to die. Sometimes people think of “suicide” and “killing oneself” or “wanting to die” as just metaphors for other thoughts and feelings.
My problem is that when something goes wrong I have an attack of stress and wishing to die. I have always told myself to wait a day before doing anything. It’s my mantra. It works because when I wake up I usually feel much better. I just wish it wasn’t my automatic response. I have nearly started crying in front of strangers and once it was all I could do to stop myself from throwing myself out of the car when we were driving.
I do the same thing when things aren’t going right. It’s an automatic response. Depending on the situation and how severe the depression is the thoughts linger. Most of the time I wake up the next day better, other days it sticks. I try to sleep it off. I’m tired of burdening people with talking it out because mostly after they just associate negativity with me. What scares me the most is that my mother is schizophrenic and I’m going to end up like her. Most of the major depressive episodes happen after dealing with her.
Last night after I parked, I thought for a good hour about stepping off the side of a cliff into the black of night. But, I think I was only 3 stories up so my fear would be to end up broken and not dead.
I don’t think this is normal but it happens a couple times a year. The rest of the time I live normal. No mania no highs. But when situational depression hits it’s bad. I have to think of how selfish suicide is and how could I put everyone that does love me in so much pain. I’ve tried to explain depression to my husband but he thinks it’s a choice. I’m so glad that he has never had to deal with it. but it’s so hard to explain.
When it comes to the issue of semantics, we should examine what the word “wrong” really should be defined as. If you have persistent and obsessive thoughts of ending your own life and make actual, real life preparations for acting out on those thoughts, something needs to be made clear: you are not morally deficient or lacking in character, you are mentally *ILL*. You are “sick” and need medical attention. The stigma against mental illness, society mistaking it as some moral failing, must end if humanity as a whole truly wishes to better itself.
Hear hear.
“Something has gone medically wrong with [someone’s] brain.”
versus
“[Someone] is a deeply flawed person.”
Some of the more recent stuff I’ve read about the medical underpinnings and progression of bipolar disorder and MDD implicate problems with the way the brain and body chemically respond to stress.
So someone might be mentally healthy with their genetic risks for developing a mood disorder un-manifested, until they experience some serious life stress or trauma, and then their genes and the various hormones and enzymes and proteins that switch on and off in response to stress interact to start the process of damage to the brain and its function.
And, of course, since there are multiple genes that can affect how our bodies (whole thing, brain included) respond to stress, different people have different levels of susceptibility.
The military’s studies and statistics over the decades and various wars on PTSD (by its various prior names) indicate that almost every human being has a point at which their brain will break from combat stress. (As an example of *one* kind of stress or trauma that can break brains).
It’s not that mentally ill people are defective and uniquely vulnerable to mental illness. It’s that out of all of humanity, people whose minds will break when we are subjected to extreme stress are much more common than people whose minds will not.
With PTSD, there were some soldiers who just never developed it no matter how much time you left them in combat. Of course, it would be hard to argue those PTSD-proof guys were exactly mentally *healthy*, since a percentage of them were psychopaths (and thus emotionally insulated from combat–weren’t traumatized by the horrible things that were happening to people who weren’t them).
(I am not saying that anyone who comes home from lots of combat time without PTSD is a psychopath. Some people *are* more resilient than others.)
What seems to be “the big picture” about human vulnerability to mental illness is that the genes that make us vulnerable to mental illness also make us or our family members more likely to have some incredible, impressive talents.
The poet Lord Byron was described as, “Mad, bad, and dangerous to know.” However, without his daughter, Ada Lovelace, say bye-bye to the Internet, the computer on your lap, and indeed all of modern computing.
These genes that give us such big risks have stayed in the gene pool for a reason. We’re not “defective.” We’re frequently talented, brilliant, or we carry the seeds of talent and brilliance–but just a wee bit fragile.
What we are (look at your screen, look down at your computer, look back up at your screen) is *worth* the trouble and expense more resilient people sometimes go to taking care of us when we get sick.
We’re worth it to *them*–if they’re smart enough to recognize it–because without the statistical risk of those of us who get sick, no neat toys, no neat gadgets, no smart phones, no new medicines, no new art, no new “tunes”, no new creative anything that makes their lives worthwhile.
We need them, too. But we’re not bad and wrong and defective. We’re an important part of the whole–with a downside that we’re vulnerable to stress and can get sick.
Three cheers for the “artistic temperament”?
My point is we don’t have “bad genes.” By and large we have good genes. As for the stress and trauma that’s happened to us, sometimes it was preventable, sometimes not.
Mostly, our mental illness is just a case of, “Sometimes people get sick.” Mostly, the response is just a case of, “When people get sick, they need appropriate care.” Mostly, where the response falls through the cracks, “When we cannot provide appropriate care for people who have gotten sick, a lot of times we need to know a lot more about their illness or condition.”
And so yes, reducing the stigma is about first educating ourselves that there’s nothing *morally* wrong with us, and that “ill” isn’t the same thing as “defective”–because we have to understand that ourselves before we can educate others.
There are very few truly bad genes. Tay Sachs is a cruddy gene. The bipolar variant where the X chromosome has “stuttered”? Yeah, that one probably sucks. But for the most part, our genes had a risk we’d get sick and a chance we’d be brilliant (or both together), and our environments triggered off what happened to us.
Well said.
Hi everyone I am a 34 year old woman that has bipolar 2 on three seperate occassions I have attempted suicide by overdosing myself. I am so thankful that I never suceeded I have a 14 year old son. I can’t imagaine how that would make him feel if he would of lost me. I am so thankful for my husband. I have a new perception of life now. I think anyone who is feeling suicidial (suicidal ideation) did I spell that right? Should get help it is torchuress to go through and often many do succeed.
Christy
I think I disagree on the “nothing wrong with you.” My disagreement is about semantics rather than substance, though.
If someone is having obsessive thoughts of killing themselves that are causing them distress and that they can’t seem to stop, then it is a pretty decent indication that something has gone medically wrong in their brain.
When you have a cold or the flu, there’s “something wrong with you.”
I think it’s important in fighting the stigma to make the distinction clear. There is something “wrong” when someone has a diagnosable mental health condition. Although in the case of obsessive suicidal thoughts, the medical problem might turn out to be thyroid issues or a medication side effect or other medical causes not in the DSM IV or V, or might be a major depressive episode which *is* a mental health problem in your brain but which many people recover from–it’s not necessarily a *permanent* mental illness. As I say, although the medical facts of what’s going on in someone’s brain may not be caused by a permanent, major mental illness, obsessive, distressing thoughts of suicide DO mean there’s something “wrong” with you.
What they *don’t* mean is that there’s something wrong about *you*. Just like catching a cold doesn’t say anything about your worth as an individual or your personal character, having your brain do something unpleasantly wonky is something “wrong” that happens to you, it’s not *you*.
It’s a feature of a neurotypical, healthy brain that fleeting, perverse thoughts come up in our heads–and as long as we don’t blame ourselves wrongly for having those fleeting thoughts or make too much of them, they’re usually quickly dismissed.
Any distressing, obsessive thought, I would argue, indicates that there’s brain activity doing something sub-optimal. There’s a hitch in your get-along, as my mother would say. Well, treat it as if it were a “hitch” in your upper respiratory system where your nose is stuffed up to the gills and your head aches and your throat feels icky–don’t just sit there and suffer needlessly, go to the appropriate professional, find out what’s going on, and get practical help easing your distress.
As any mother who’s shepherded kidlets through the various bouts of childhood illness would say, there’s nothing wrong with *you* for occasionally having something “wrong with you.” Everybody has something go wrong sometimes. We don’t always have the *same* thing go wrong with us all at the same time (what a nightmare that would be!).
Is something “wrong” in the sense that continuing to suffer without doing anything about it is needless? Yes, absolutely.
Are you “defective”? Well, no more so than most anybody else. For every person on Earth, eventually *every* part of their body breaks down. Thank goodness we do do it in different ways at different rates.
Where I differ is I think that reducing the stigma problem requires encouraging people to accept that it’s okay to be imperfect, and that it’s simply necessary to everyone that we’re all imperfect in a bunch of different ways.
Is something wrong with you if you’re distressed by obsessive thoughts? Well, at the moment, sure. But you’re an okay person even when you’re not feeling okay.
(Not that I’m fortunate enough to have a neurotypical, healthy brain, mind you. I get by.)
Your insights are always great. I agree, being suicidal is like a condition that needs to be cured. Call it a chemical imbalance, whatever, but it’s more than just a “bad mood.” It’s a brain change that takes a lot of time and effort to reverse, kind of like breaking a bone. Some people are relatively normal until they get to their late teens, so it’s like their mind “breaks.” It can come as a shock to people who don’t understand mental illness. Not everyone that’s in a bad mood thinks about killing themselves. It’s like for some people, at some stage in their development, they hit a self-destruct button that most people don’t have. It’s frustrating when people, ill or healthy, think being suicidal just passes like a bad mood passes. It’s a mood episode in your life that is spontaneous yet long-lasting. I’ve known ill people who said “I was just in a bad mood” when they attempted suicide. Sure, because those feelings are as transient and shallow as a bad mood? I don’t buy it. I’ve known healthy people who believe the lies of the ill who are in denial. The cure takes time – almost a lifestyle change. Just like being sick needs bed rest, and you need to take antibiotics longer than you think you should. You wouldn’t just let an illness “pass” if it could get worse, right?
Being mentally ill is like dealing with a loss. Episodes start happening when your brain changes, in your teens and 20s. Then you aren’t the same. Your world is devastated but other people can’t help you 24/7. They don’t want to hear about the same sad topic over and over. The sympathy seems to fade over time and people no longer check in. The truth is that the loss is felt forever in some way. Changing negative thought patterns and beliefs is like forgetting bad memories…it’s a slow process. But it can be overcome with a perspective shift… The world keeps turning and life can be normal when the brokenness heals, if we are willing to reset the brain, like we reset a bone.
Suicidal ideation can indeed be an addiction. I found this booklet based on the famous Big Book of AA’s twelve-step program. It’s eerie how accurate it is in describing suicidal addiction. Hope it helps somebody. I’m right there with all of you. :/
http://suicideanonymous.net/uploads/SA_BOOKLET_ok_copy.pdf
I completely respect your response to the AA information. It can be so helpful to some. I was ordered by a psychiatrist to attend meetings because of addictions. I went to this women’s meeting for quite some time and appreciated so much the support. I was very ill, and my friends had rejected me. There was ultimately one thing that lead me to cease attending, and this is just my personal respose. Although AA is meant to accept people of all creeds and beliefs, I found the organization to have a very Christian slant. I respect religions, but I am not a Christian. An important message in AA is, “Let go and let God.” This is something I could not accept. In my group, most mental health problems were felt to be addictions. As I got the right help, I realized that my suicide attempts and my addictions were the result of my bipolar disease. When I finally found the right meds, my suicidal thoughts for the most part subsided. This is simply my interpretation.
Helen your post got to me, because I have also been told to “let go and let God.” I do not have animosity towards any religion, but I just couldn’t feel it. Being deeply depressed had taken away almost all my hope, including what I used to see as “God.” I just couldn’t feel inspired as easily as I did. I got good advice, which was: “you don’t need religion to have faith.” It’s so true. I hope anyone who’s been hopeless can understand that as well. We go to bed and wake up in the morning trusting that things will be secure in general. That the sun will still rise. That we will find peace. There are things we can count on every day, we just have to name them. We don’t have to lose hope, it is all around us. The trick is getting your own internal hope back, and being aligned with a more positive reality. It always helps to count your blessings and be more logical when your moods are really betraying you. Reality wins in the end and moods pass…persistent as they are.
Helen and Anonymous – dear me! I feel you both may have misunderstood my intentions!!!
I myself suffer from bipolar (and borderline personality disorder and Asperger’s), and have attempted suicide twice and am plagued with suicidal ideation. IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY was I advocating a 12 step approach as a cure! Nor did I even remotely intend to say, “Here, just do this and you’ll be fine.” No way Jose! I was simply throwing the information out there as proof that suicide addiction is a recognized problem.
I hope you accept my clarification and understand my intentions. :) I apologize if I made either of you uncomfortable with the information I shared.
Just to clarify. I appreciate both responses. You see, I am a very spiritual person, just in my own way, not in a Traditionally religious way.
Suicidal ideation , I think is common amongst the worst cases of bipolar disorder.
I am one of those worst cases, and I tried 3 times, The first and second were overdoses of Lithium, rush to flight for life…..eventually, I was ok , well, for a while anyway.
I finally took a gun under my chin and shot myself. I’m still here, can’t believe, but I am.
Doctors called me a miracle.
I now am on the right meds for this horrid condition and am 56 yrs of age. It was 10 yrs ago now that I thought my life was over. Today, doing very well…..I think, most definitely, that it is “normal”, so to speak, to have suicidal ideation .
Even though I have suicide attempt in my chart I knew it wasn’t a true attempt. If I had intent that day I wouldn’t be here. When I’m not doing well the word suicide starts on a loop in my brain, over and over, suicide.
I’ve wanted to be dead many times but I wanted it to be a meteor slamming into my place. I’ve never had a plan.
It’s comforting for me to think about it sometimes because I know that I can stop the pain.
A friend really lost her temper with me a few days ago and it was brutal. When I hung up the phone a vision flashed through my mind. Pistol in hand, two steps outside the door, shoot. I didn’t think it, it was just there.
Nothing wrong with thinking about it but get help if you have a plan.
I’ve been suicidal since my teens and have tried to end my life about 6-7 times, unsuccessfully of course. I do not agree with people who say that people try suicide to get attention or to get someone to care. Each time I tried I was committed to ending my life and was surprised and angry that I woke up. Each time I tried to make it worse, wanting myself to die. I am ready to go anytime I find a suitable circumstance in front of me. My dogs are the only thing that prolongs any compulsive action, so I guess that’s good. But yes, I do still think about it and wonder when the opportunity will arise.
Please don’t do it, you have so much to live for you just got to hold and see that there will be a bright side.
Couldn’t agree more. I’ve had suicide ideation since my early teens, I have always thought of ways to do it, sort of like a logic puzzle at times. It worried me at times but learned to live with it.
I guess it feels wrong until you accept that it can be normal (for the person).
Suicide intent is a whole other matter