Bipolar disorder is essentially your average emotions – only amplified. So bipolar is sadness, but to a level 11. Bipolar disorder is energetic, to a level 11. And so on. And, of course, as a human isn’t designed to run at a level 11, many other symptoms accompany those exaggerated experiences.
And while many of these exaggerated moods are related to no external stimuli at all and just appear out of the blue, some exaggerated moods are the result of something happening in the environment. Near as I can tell, bipolar disorder isn’t just an exaggeration of normal emotion it’s also an exaggeration of normal reactions to emotional situations.
I’m not Sad, I’m Depressed
Recently my grandmother died. Of course, this is a sad thing. Of course, the funeral is a sad event. Of course, seeing others broken up about the death is difficult. Of course, people will have an emotional reaction to this situation. And of course, I’m a person, like everyone else.
But when it came time to go to the funeral I was terrified. I wasn’t just not looking forward to it, I was dreading it. And that’s because I know myself. That’s because I know that funerals are, by their very nature, depressing. That’s because I know that depressing feeling won’t be fleeting for me. That’s because I know that sitting in a room where people are crying will make me absolutely fall apart and that fall won’t correct itself in any reasonable amount of time. I absolutely will be instantly clinically depressed because of that type of experience. I absolutely will experience unreasonable emotions given the situation.
I’m not Stressed, I’m Hypomanic
Similarly, I have mentioned before how stress can lead to bipolar hypomania. Stress and being stressed out is normal but in the case of bipolar disorder, people can manifest that stress in unreasonable ways that are out of proportion to the given stressor. Moreover, that stress reaction can last much longer than is reasonable.
I Apologize for Emotional Overreactions
And so I feel like half the time I’m apologizing for unreasonable, overwhelming emotional reactions. I’m sorry my emotions are popping out of my eyeballs. I’m sorry my mood prevents me from sitting still. I’m sorry I can’t stop talking about what a horrible human being I am. I’m sorry I can’t get over a tiny event that happened weeks ago. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m aware that my reactions are crazy but I can’t do anything about them – because, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m crazy.
I understand why it’s important to apologize – it’s important because my overreactions can distress others – but my, is it ever tiring. And it doesn’t feel particularly fair. When was the last time a cancer patient had to apologize for their symptoms?
What to Do about Emotional Overreactions to Situations
Clearly, I’m not sure what to do because if I was, I wouldn’t have been dreading my grandmother’s funeral so much. I can tell you this – I worked on dissociating during the event so that it would touch me much less. I’m not saying that’s the right way to handle the situation, I’m just saying it’s what I did. And I can tell you that I use an almost obsessive level of self-talk to try and talk myself down from my own emotional ledges. That meets with varying degrees of success, but really, what else are you going to do? You can lean on friends and family, of course, and you may experience support and catharsis that way, I don’t know, but often others can’t handle my kind of extraordinary emotions and I understand that.
I personally think what it comes down to is avoiding emotional situations as much as possible. I think this is sad because these situations are a part of life but if we want stability, we just can’t afford to rock the boat.
And if emotional situations can’t be avoided? Then I think it’s prudent to expect, and plan for, the worst. Understand that you’re going to be upset. Plan for it. Tell people about it. Don’t make it a surprise. Try and explain your concerns to those close to you as best you can. Try to make time to deal with it. Try to make a counselling appointment. Try to put into place anything that can help.
And most important of all, make sure to take these emotional reactions seriously because they can lead to major changes in mood which can result in huge problems for you. The last thing you need is your overreaction leading to months of depression or a debilitating mania or psychosis.
And hopefully people will understand because what you’re experiencing really is a symptom of a disease and it isn’t your fault.
Good article. You hit the nail on the proverbial bipolar head.
I preview thoughts before using them, always have. But I use them anyway. Some are funny, sardonic,
or sad and the inevitable pitiful. No apologies are made. People live with me just I have to live with
them. Its only rock and roll.
That’s great 🩵🩷🧡💚❤️
Is it hypomania when you are overwhelmed with anger and sadness, and you are annoying friends by talking too much about the recent death of a loved one. I feel like nobody else understands, especially one friend who often hides her emotions, seemingly because she’s normal and has a bp parent. She gets very short and judgmental. I’m torn between feeling like a burden and realizing my friend expects a bp person to be a wooden soldier. Very disappointed in people and myself.
Thanks for this…. I was diagnosed with BP 1 a few years after I had Breast Cancer. Yes, I did have to apologise for BC because it interrupted my work. Now I have to apologise for the ongoing symptoms of chemobrain and mental fatigue… 4 years later!!! Folk don’t understand after you stop being bald and stop active treatment. Now I feel have to apologise for my BP moods. My old boss, remarkably has been very understanding, as are my immediate family. But extended family ( the in-laws) are intolerant and judgemental…. it makes me cringe. I can’t help but want to apologise for all the embarrassment and hurt that I may have caused when I did not know I was ‘unwell’ over the past 30 years. Can’t help but feel very demeaned with my ether depleted energy or too much energy. Thank you for the article. Just talking about it helps…so I do not feel so alone.
Interesting that you mention cancer…
My mom has severe depression (I think bipolar based on everything you describe, but she does not have a bipolar diagnosis). My husband is a cancer survivor. We were dating for 4 months when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I spent more than a year as his main caregiver.
My husband apologized to me more in that year for how his cancer affected me than my mom has in a lifetime. Was it his fault that he had cancer? No! Did he HAVE to apologize? No! Did it make our relationship better that he acknowledged how it affected me? Absolutely!
What’s most ironic is that my husband wasn’t cruel to me when he had cancer. My mom IS when she’s having an episode. She’s mean, and she uses my vulnerabilities against me. When the episode passes, she tells me it was “the disease.” She chooses not to apologize, and that’s fine. That’s her choice. But our relationship suffers as a result.
Dissociation is a human tool for a reason, it’s a safety and coping mechanism. It’s only when it becomes maladaptive that we have to worry. I think you chose an appropriate way to use it to counteract, momentarily, a public display of your depression for everyone’s sake and that was a kind thing to do. You know yourself and have your coping tools for when you can put down the dissociation. If this was a person who did not have a network, had a dissociative disorder, or was not as well versed in their red flags, they would probably need to re-think that approach or get a network with the quickness. I used dissociation in order to get through work when I had a career. I had to or my bipolar would have gotten us fired. I had children to feed, electric to keep on and car insurance to pay. So, don’t underestimate dissociation as a tool when wielded judiciously.
Getting on Lamictal (a mood stabilizer) 1] allowed me the most smooth ride in moods fluctuation I’ve *ever* had in my life 2] I was able to stop all anti-depressants which would often make me manic 3] did double duty for my seizures.
DBT and well as CBT really allowed me to get some of the internal self-talk to spoke of to pull my shit through some of this stuff and to go back and own some of my crap when I’ve kinda’ sprung a leak. Most people get it. We’ve all had major reactions to situations even those who don’t have Bipolar, so many get it
I am so glad my husband and son “get” this about me, and help buffer me in stressful situations. It’s a lot to ask of an 11 year old, but as he has started showing some symptoms, they aren’t as scary to him, and he has the vocabulary to explain what he feels. Both my husband and my son are known to get migraines when stressed. Sometimes they really do, sometimes it’s because they know I need an out and my family will accept a migraine but say I need to “stop being so dramatic” if I melt down. I wish I would deal Like other people but I can’t and that is that.
I have been apologizing for my reactions since almost a decade now. Mostly because I would snap at them without provocation, leaving them confused and distressed. After a point, people realized that they need to stay away from me when I’m in a ‘bad mood’. My anger outbursts are usually the only things that affect people, whenever I’m in a depressed mood I prefer not to get out of the house so no one needs to deal with me.
I don’t know whether I am bipolar or not. So far a few people have pointed out that I should get myself evaluated, but I’m too scared to do so. I don’t even know if this comment will be published, just wanted to put it out there. I know what it’s like to have to apologize for hurting people even though at that time you had no control over your behavior.
I can’t apologize for my basest reaction to situations when I am genetically predisposed to be this way. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I take my meds regularly. Yes, I eat healthy foods and am active. I try my best to do what’s right in order to control my moods, but when I can’t, I just can’t. No apologies. It’s just my life. It’s my road to travel. Not everyone feels the same, and that’s respectable.
I enjoy reading your blogs because they make me grapple with opposing worldviews and paradigms. As a friend who practices mindfulness remided me, it is good to stand strong on your values and views, like a mighty oak tree is not blown away in a wind. And so I am reminded that holding multiple truths in this world does not mean that I am any less strong in my view point, just that I can be tolerant of uncertainty and the opportunity of change. I certainly remember a time when I would have resonated with the views on your blog, but because of the nature of recovery, I am not who I once saw myself as. I once would have revelled in identifying myself as bipolar and unwell – however I no longer apologise for my actions and choices. This means that I stand strong in my actions and choices, and do not allow others to define me by their concept of what is right and wrong for me. If they see me as unwell due to holding these views, so be it, but I do not accept that my committed choices are wrong, needing apologies. If I apologise it is because I am truly sorry for what I have done and hope to change and make reparation for my choices. Hmmmm, I probably carry on for too long, and should get to the point, if any of what I say though makes sense, perhaps it is that being resilient in the face of uncertainty and adversity allows us to stand with fortitude, but yes humble enough to know when to apologise :)
The hardest part for me is when family, who has been through the hospitalizations, and the dragging out of my apartment when I isolate, and watched though all the ups and downs and tried to be there for for me through it all, then gets upset when I loose it again around them.
“Why are you acting crazy?”
“Why can’t you be normal?”
“Don’t you have any control?”
Well, I am crazy, I am not normal, and no I don’t have control. I do my best, and I can make it months at a time being relatively normal, but the storm is always just on the horizon, and at times any little thing can send me over the edge. I try to keep the crazy hidden, because I know even my nearest and dearest uncomfortable, but that’s not healthy either.
It can be really stressful, and that makes it even more likely that I may loose it at what others consider the most inappropriate time.
This is exactly why I think I need to make a job/career change. I have a highly stressful job in mental health and my illness is exacerbated by it. I love it in some ways but I realize I need a career less emotionally charged for my mental health. I haven’t felt as out of control with my emotions as I do now in this career job. Well not for a few years, I should say. My teen years and 20s were a doozy too. My memory is shot to hell, I have no patience, and the depression is debilitating. At times, I am up all night wired, with chest pain, crawling out of my skin, afraid of the noises in the house or worried a ghost will jump out at me, sometimes extremely jokey and silly, sometimes making bizarre remarks because my brain isn’t functioning well and I can’t formulate a coherent thought. I am lost for words and not making sense and can’t find the words. I will talk out loud to get the obsessive thoughts out of my head. And they are incredibly random, I might add. Then the crash comes and my body is lead, fuzzy and I can’t wake up. Sleeping 12+ hours. It goes downhill from there.. overwhelmed, can’t make a decision, over stimulated by friends and family, feeling they expect too much (even a simple text is too much) followed by isolation…disconnecting. and then apologizing for the isolation and trying to plug back into my relationships. usually making up a reason why. It’s really crazy making. Maybe I should try DBT. I am extremely high functioning at work and an A+ employee, but I am a disaster inside.
“I personally think what it comes down to is avoiding emotional situations as much as possible. I think this is sad because these situations are a part of life but if we want stability, we just can’t afford to rock the boat.”
THANK YOU for saying this. People are so very offended sometimes when you don’t do things whether it’s attending a funeral or something else. I think people think I am just being flip or rude or selfish. But sometimes I have to decide to take care of my own health instead of sacrificing myself for others. They just don’t understand that something that a “normal” person can bounce back from easily can send me on a downward spiral. The consequences can be huge.
I am horrible about apologizing for things but I am working on it. People usually look at me like I am nuts for apologizing all the time. But I become so self-conscious about my behavior that I never know whether or not I am reacting normally to a situation.
This article was very helpful for me. I always had trouble putting together together words to describe to my girlfriend(who I am moving in with) what it is like to be bipolar. We are always communicating but if course there are still many bumps in the road. This really helped both of us. Thank you!
Seems like I’m apologizing for something I’ve said or done!!!! This article helped me greatly because I’ve been going through soo much since my mother died in 2010. She had Alzheimer’s. My husband lost his job through downsizing, we lost our house, my niece was murdered, kidney surgery (twice) and bankruptcy rounds it out from 2010 to 2013. I’m not over the death of my mother. I have always self-injured, but when she died, I got worse and still going.
I saying all of this because my moods have been all over the board these last 3 years. I can’t handle situations that make me use my emotions. Trying to talk to myself into having control of my emotions doesn’t work totally. Funerals, reunions, gathering where there is a lot of people is really hard for me to handle. Small things are hard to handle. Going to my son’s house to help him make chili, I became manic during and after on the way home. I get manic when I’m around my family and their drama. Just visiting my dad makes me depressed and manic at the same time. I cycle rapidly still even though I’m pretty stable on my meds. My doctor has to constantly tweek my meds with all I’ve been through lately.
This article helped me realize that what things I do or say is because of my illness and to give myself a break!!!!!
Thanks yet again, Natasha. Even with my med., concoction, I still have days when I can’t even walk a couple of blocks to the supermarket, because I JUST KNOW that someone is gong to say hi, or even worse, want to carry on a conversation. Anyway you look at it, being Bipolar is exhausting, and as mentioned by another, avoidance is truly the safest way of keeping the pressure down for me. believe it or not, I can also say I lost a loved one, my younger brother about a month ago, and I really had to psyche myself up for the viewing. After I said my goodbye, I found myself trying to hide amongst those who had payed their respects, and had turned to more amusing events of his life, in order to not fall apart beyond redemption !
“And so I feel like half the time I’m apologizing for unreasonable, overwhelming emotional reactions. I’m sorry […]. I’m sorry […]. I’m sorry […]. I’m sorry […]. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m aware that my reactions are crazy but I can’t do anything about them – because, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m crazy.”
YES! Can we put this on a t-shirt? Can we make mugs with this on it? I’ve been apologizing my whole life.
Thank you for validating this.
This is a really good article for me. I’ve been overreacting emotionally since at least the age of nine. I would cry nearly every week, for reasons apparent to nobody but me, and then beat myself up about it so much that I couldn’t actually stop crying. Apologising for crying was a mainstay of my existence. People get really quite uncomfortable around a crying child.
These days, after going through manic and depressive episodes and hospitalisations, I’ve given up apologising. I will acknowledge any difficulty it may have caused them, but I don’t apologise. It would be like apologising for bleeding on someone’s good clothes, if your artery is spurting blood.
Yes, “I did it because I’m sick ” isn’t right. Try telling that to your kids after you’ve done something that embarrasses them painfully. When I was not getting appropriate help, I did that, and we became estranged. When my name was in the paper for criminal charges, and they were in high school, I am grateful that I finally realized I had to apologize. Also, I cannot fathom telling them I was crazy; their friends did enough of that. Children are fragile. No matter ho difficult, when we are able, we must remember.
Natasha, I agree with you that it’s necessary to avoid emotional situations to maintain stability. That’s how I’ve been surviving for years now. If that’s avoiding “real” life, then so be it: the alternative is just so much worse, and probably (in the end) fatal. So I don’t need to apologize too much, as those around me know of my situation and can help me to keep the road relatively smooth. I’m very grateful I can keep going using such a mundane trick!
Apologies are essential, I feel, because taking responsibility for our actions under all circumstances is an important part of owning the disease. Owning the disease helps us in our efforts to function with more resilience. Too often I have seen people use the “I did it because I was sick” as an excuse. And the people who do it the most seem likely to relapse and go off their medications because the excuse becomes a get-out-of-jail-free card. I deny myself that escape hatch. What I do is what I do. It’s mine — the good and the bad. As the old Frank Sinatra song goes “Everybody is entitled to make mistakes”. But don’t allow yourself the false luxury of thinking that you are exempt from apologies because you have a mental illness.
I don’t know… I suppose it depends on the situation. While I agree that one should always take responsibility for their actions, it is not always so one-sided. The person who is “sane” can do the most unreasonable things as well, contributing much to an escalating situation. Did I overreact? Maybe…but maybe the situation really warranted it. And to be fair, wasn’t the other party overreacting as well?
I’ve apologized for my part, because shit – I can’t really deny that I might have hurt someone, and that appalls me to no end, but because the other party never really apologized for their crappy behavior, I don’t know…I am carrying all the culpability for something I did not know about, therefore, could not have had as much control of…but the other party was “sane” and therefore more able to control themselves and react in a more constructive way, but…they get a pass? It seems as if the other party is using the “don’t use your illness as an excuse” so they could twist it as an excuse.
Wow. Well, that certainly muddles things. In the end, there is no resolution, If the other party did not do what they did, I know I could move past this – let go.
Yes, Judy, sometimes the other party is also culpable and using our illness as an excuse not to say they are sorry. That’s stigma pure and simple. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about it except hope that others will see the ingratitude and apply a little peer pressure.
Having said that, I still think apologies or at least admitting to ourselves that we screwed up, can help us move on. Some people won’t be there for apologies because they have utterly closed their minds to us. That’s their problem. Our problem is taking hold of the disasters we have wreaked in our lives. That leads to the resolution that is most important of all — peace of mind. We can live with ourselves once more.
I don’t have a problem with apologies. I have a problem with people consistently reminding me of whatever “disasters” occurred while symptomatic (which btw is pretty mild compared to what others have done), so I can never move on.
I don’t think you understand. There is more than that needed for for peace of mind.
After years and years, I’ve figured out almost an equation for my recovery from emotional stimuli and stress. Especially for travel. For every day away, I need close to three to “resettle”. Weekend trips to family mean the entire next week needs to be carefully structured for low-stress, good food choices, extra sleep and just the right amount of social support from only the closest friends. Do I always get to plan and structure my post-input recovery? Heck no. But as a family we try. Even my kids know… oh, that’s right, moms still recovering from our trip to Grandmas.
I even have some emotional recovery needs after something as simple as a movie. Before meds, I had often spent four hours post-movie either weeping or high (depending on movie). Pretty embarrassing trying to go out with friends or dates to movies! Now, I can still feel genuinely touched or moved by a movie but I rarely cry and no reaction lasts much longer than 30 min after the movie. Books can be similar but usually more drawn out; often why I end up speed reading to shorten my time in emotionally vulnerable status.
I guess my long winded way of saying, yes, I can relate. I try not to disassociate but damn if I’m not good at it – sigh.
Try using some dialectic behavioral therapy skills (DBT)