I was sitting in my living room today starting at the wall. I spend a surprisingly large amount of time staring at the wall. It’s not that my walls are even vaguely interesting, it’s just that I spend a lot of time depressed and when depressed, even considering watching TV seems overwhelming.
And I was sitting there, depressed, staring at the wall, and the thought occurred to me: I just want to be like everyone else. I just want to go back to a time when walls were just the things you painted and not sources of non-entertainment. I just want to go back to a time when I couldn’t define bipolar disorder and psych medications were something I would never even have considered. I just want to go back to a time when I was just like everyone else.
Bipolars Aren’t Like Everyone Else
But when was this time? When was this magic time when I was like everyone else? Even before there were doctors and pills and therapists there were symptoms. Even before there were hospitals and clinics and offices there were problems. Even before I figured out why I wasn’t like everyone else I knew that I was.
So was there really a time when I was like everyone else?
I think not. I think that I’m romanticizing the past and my faulty human memory is just making it seem like there was a time when things were shiny and bright. For me, things were quite often terribly dull and dark.
And I think a lot of people with bipolar disorder are in this boat. I think a lot of people with bipolar disorder can think back, even into childhood, and see the warning signs of bipolar disorder nipping at their heels. I think a lot people just weren’t like everyone else ever.
Wanting to Be Like Everyone Else, Be Normal, is Understandable
And this desire to be like everyone else, this desire to be normal, is completely understandable. When I see happy people I want to be like them. When I see joyful couples laughing at the beach with their little toddler in tow, I want to be like them. When I see people who I’m sure have never heard of antipsychotic medication, I want to be like them.
It’s okay to want this. It’s normal, if you will, to want to be like everyone else.
All the Greats Were Not Like Everyone Else
But perhaps it serves us well to remember that all the greats were not just like everyone else because if they were, they would not have stood out and been so great. Many of those greats were different and horribly pained individuals some of which proved as much by taking their own lives. These people were different and that is why we remember them.
Now I’m not saying that I’m great and I’m not saying that you are either, I’m just saying that not being like everyone else is sometimes the thing that set you apart from others and makes you noteworthy.
I’m Not Like Everyone Else, Okay
And even if it doesn’t, even if the only thing it does is make you feel like a freak and make you feel alone, consider this: adolescents are under a huge pressure to conform to a peer group and many of them do not. And when these adolescents come home, crying, because they’re not like everyone else, parents assure them that it’s okay to be themselves. It’s okay to be different. Being different can be a virtue. Being different means being who they are. And one day that will become clear to them. One day their adult mind will recognize that not wearing the right brand of jeans doesn’t matter and doesn’t diminish their self or social worth.
And we must come to the same conclusion. We must realize that our differences – profound they may be at times – do not diminish us and there is no need to be like everyone else. Because if you give in to this notion of being like everyone else all you do is put pressure on yourself and give strength to unhappiness because you will never be like everyone else. Not ever.
So the desire to be like everyone else is seductive. But it’s not me. I like being the girl with electric hair. I like being the one who’s a little inappropriate. I like being the one that people remember when I leave a room. I don’t like the bipolar part, but the difference part I can accept. I wouldn’t be me any other way.
Being that I cycle daily, sometimes I actually have a normal day and can’t think of bad or depressing things at all and it feels great but in one respect I get real scared becuase I already know what tomorrow or the next day brings. After so many years of this I am just as fearful of normal days as I am of the days that I am on the floor in the fetal position. Either way, I just want some lasting peace in my brain. Too much to ask for. I live in purgatory,plain and simple. I keep on saying I am innocent of this torture. I harmed no one. I was a good person and it really doesn’t make any difference anymore. Normal is for other people.
I remind myself I can’t compare myself to others. I am uniquely me. Thanks for the reminder.
I was also thinking about this the other day: When was I ever normal? Tried to think as far back into childhood as I could, and realized that any “normal” thing about me was gone as soon as my mother was killed in a car crash that I was in too at age 4. I believe she died after I crawled up front and found her covered in lots of blood, and clung on to her on top of her. I probably told her to wake up. Sooner or later we were separated (I imagine that I was pulled off of her and taken away in an ambulance), and that was the last time I saw her. From then on, it was secrecy and lies to me, then…. ? I can’t remember. “Normal” was truly gone forever, and it was downhill from there. I put my hand over my mouth (the other day) and blinked a few times to keep myself from leaking a few tears. Pointless to cry. I don’t know what I’d be crying over if I never really knew “normal”. I was only 4.
i know exactly what you mean about look back to your past and you realize that there are no time you are like everyone else. Because my bipolar was there even since i was at my elementary school, even kindergarten. But to know that i have never be like everyone else, makes me accept what i am today, forgive myself and every disaster i did.
there are time when i suffered from my nerves and wish for experience happiness like everyone else, but at the end of the day i realize, experience happiness and be like everyone else is two different thing.
(Please excuse my poor English)
Natasha,
I related to this article more than any other that you have written. I was have popular in school, and for awhile out of school. Since I got older my Bi-Polar has gotten worse. The more I have tried to conform to being normal. The older I get though and the more I understand myself and the more I understand how Bi-Polar effects me the more I accept who I am and I enjoy it. I embrace it. I do not hide who I am anymore.
Natasha; Recommend a new book you are sure to aapreciate. It is mine Journey Into Self. Really, it is Saving Normal by Allen Francis,MD. Chaired DMS iV & former head Dept. of Psychiatry & professor emeritus Duke University. Regards; Jim Blaha
One thing in my illness recovery that helped me a lot was to stop comparing myself to others. It is not useful you always put others on a pedestal and you groveling in the mud. While it is true that there were several great people like Abraham Lincoln who had mental illness (specifically he had depression) that doesn’t make it any more easier. How can you compare yourself to a great person like that when you feel like a pile of doggy poop.
I guess you don’t miss what you’ve never known…
Truth is,even as a small child I knew something was amiss.
It hurts knowing my illness has prevented me from my dream,of studying medicine…
That I can’t form healthy relationships w sometimes,even family members.
When I see a woman looking well rested thin with a husband or bf in tow,yeah.
It’s like rubbing salt on a huge infected cut.
It hurts to the depths of my soul..plus we can achieve maintenance,no cure….
However,on the more positive,for my age I’m quite nice looking,intelligent,inquisitive person.
I’ve been asked often,? You wear all the jewellery,have 3 genuine stone pendants,wear unmatched
Earrings,tons of Led Zep style cuff bracelets..I say,being a sheep isn’t amusing…they laugh .
I’ve had compliments on my style of dress,that I look no way 52 today feel 92!
The people ask,( all women,mostly younger) how do I do it..?? I try & laugh once a day.
No it doesn’t cure my mental state,but it’s therapeutic…also that young men notice is nice.
But I’m not ready for any of that.
I’ve got to get better first,number one,first formost.
As should be for us all.
Our bodies change everyday,guess we have to try & adapt to those changes,including moods.
Above all,I learned,it’s vital to have a plan.For both mania & depression.
Thanks for letting me share.
Cheers from Canada ps ( not w alcohol!) :-)
I have always felt out of place. When I was diagnosed I knew why. I went through a horrible depression because of the diagnosis. I knew I would have it for life. Instead of trying to not be depressed, I embrace the depression for what it is, a chemical imbalance of a disordered brain. And it’s not my fault. I would never want to be this way on purpose. Keeping on the logical side of the depression helps me get through the tough times.
I keep getting reminded of my oddity because my co workers are so out going and laugh and have a good time. I, however, do not find that what they say is very interesting. So, I just say I am unique and no one has the thoughts that I have except another person with a brain disorder. I try to keep this in mind when i feel left out.
Natasha,
I can so relate to your tweet. I can remember during my teen years being so different. I asked my mom why and what is this I am going trough. She replied by asking me if I was pregnant. Boy, was she way off the map. High school was such a tedious tasks, except when I was manic. Life was good,
Back to your tweet. Even into my adult life have I wished to be like everyone else. What if I could wake up and get out of bed and do stuff. Anything! What is it that makes everyone else happy? Thats the stuff I want. The realization that I am me. I except that. The good and the bad (then there is the really bad!) Right now, today, I just want to love the person I am. Being bipolar, that can change in a given moment. There are days when i want to be like everyone else. Then I remember there are people who wish the could be like me.
Wilton is so correct. I want to experience happiness. when I see it in others I mourn for the days when I was happy and they were decades ago. You say all the greats were not like everyone. So. I am not great. Why the analogy. Should that give me solace that there were GREATS out there that had this cruel disease. It doesn’t give me solace to know that the people on this board and so many others out there have this curse. Yes, some say it is not a curse. Try and live with the worst type of bipolar with anxiety co-morbidity. I just want to be normal. I want to stop crying every day. I want to see a funny movie and actually laugh. Once in while I feel normalcy for a day and that makes me feel worse because I know that the next day, my disease will come back with a vengeance. It has happened to me too many times before. I no longer know who I am.
Interesting post. Gotta give it some thought. Sure, individuality is wonderful, but are we really talking about conforming? If I see happy people, I don’t want to be like them. I want to experience happiness. That’s sad and depressing – knowing that you may never feel that way or at least feel that way for a significant period of time. I’m a unique individual, but I want to be a happy and unique individual.
@Wilton. Fantastic distinction. Thanks.