Bipolar disorder has changed me forever. When I was first diagnosed with a mood disorder, they said this wouldn’t happen. When I was first diagnosed with a mood disorder, they said I would go back to who I was before it started. When I was first diagnosed with a mood disorder, every question they asked what about comparing my medicated self to my old self. But they were wrong and their questions were irrelevant, bipolar disorder has changed me for life and no medication is going to change that.
‘Letting’ Bipolar Change Your Life
Some people say they “refuse to let an illness change them.” Well, okay, bully for them. I might suggest that their version of bipolar disorder isn’t nearly as severe as some. Because when severe bipolar rolls in, wreaks havoc with your life and changes the structure of your brain, change is not your choice – change is the reality. I will never be the person I was before bipolar disorder.
This feels like bad news for many people. And, to some extent, it certainly is. It’s natural to mourn the old you. It’s natural to mourn a life that no longer is. It’s natural to mourn our old goals and dreams when we realize that bipolar has changed our lives forever. But it’s bad news you can get over.
Because, as trite as it sounds, when the door of your old life slams shut, the door of your new life creaks open. And while you will never be the same as your pre-bipolar you, you will be a version of you that can be just as great.
How Bipolar Changed My Life
For me, bipolar disorder made everything harder and more brutal. It took me so much longer to get a degree. Working was so much more of a challenge. Doing what I wanted (like socializing and skydiving, [yes, I know, odd]) was plagued by fear, anxiety, fatigue, a need for sleep, medication side effects and so much more. It felt like trying to sprint through glue. And bipolar disorder made it so much harder to have relationships with people – intimately and not. It produced messes from the hypomanic times and loads of undone necessities from the depressed times. And others can say that bipolar disorder played a huge part in divorce, bankruptcy and so much more. When I say bipolar disorder wreaks havoc with a life, I really, really mean it.
And that was all in the early days. In the early days where the illness was a shadow of what it is today. Today it’s worse in many ways. I will never go back to the woman who found life so damn easy.
Bipolar Disorder Change Me Forever – But Not All in Bad Ways
While I will never be the pre-bipolar girl again, and, at this point, I barely remember her, I can say that I have gained since bipolar took over, too. I have gained greater empathy. I have gained a writing career. I have gained an appreciation for the little things that make me smile. I have gained courage and the strength to fight something that is trying to kill me every day of my life.
So the doctors were totally wrong. And doctors are wrong to promise, or even suggest, that people can go back to their pre-bipolar selves. But what they should focus on is what while bipolar disorder will change you for life, it doesn’t mean that it is the end of everything. I still have goals. I still have friends. My kitties still love me. I still have a life.
What I’m saying is that people shouldn’t feel bad, or incomplete, or a failure because they can’t ever get back to their pre-mentally ill self. That is a reality of a serious mental illness. It’s not because of you. It’s because of the illness. And while this isn’t “okay” per se. It is just one of a myriad of things that can change a person for life. It’s kind of a sucky one. But it’s just one. And there is still a you after a serious mental illness. And the new you, while new and still learning to walk, is still you and can still be meaningful and wonderful.
Banner image by Amman Wahab Nizamani (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons.
Image by Filckr user BK.
~ I like reading your articles; they make me feel like I’m not alone ~
Dear Natasha, I’ve never responded to a blog before, but this post really touched me. I’ve been diagnosed BP for just six months, but that came with a hospitalization and massive increase of frequency of depressive episodes I’ve endured for thirty years. Oh, yeah, and terrifying hypomania. I would say that of course I’m still me–the me who has been around for five decades. But I’m also irrevocably different: I think I’m more attentive and empathetic, to myself and others. I’m also less apt to be upset or worried about bad luck or perceived slights–because they are nothing compared with the depths of depression or even fear of the next inevitable episode. Thank you so much for your writing, which has helped a great deal in this new phase of my life.
Great article! It is so inspiring on how you embrace the disorder, dominate it, and see the good things that came with it.
Hey Natasha! I absolute love your blog! And I wanted to stop by and give you this: https://paralleldichotomy.com/2017/05/04/liebster-blog-award/?preview_id=4891&preview_nonce=9cae7f82e0
Yes, Natasha is the poster woman of Bipolar.
So, for those of us who will not allow a disease or disorder to be all of who we are.. we must have it better than you?
hit the enter button too early…
When I first was officially diagnosed in 2006… the inpatient psych and his nurse both said “you will need medication all the days of your life but, once you find the right mix of meds, your quality of living will greatly improve.” see, it was all about the meds
the rounds of meds that I then was put on… I barely could stay awake, much less think much of the time. Add in a few other adverse reactions and my quality of life was so not more improved. I had to resign from a job because i couldn’t stay awake or cognitive enough to do it. Never mind how it affected me personally with family members.
this is the thing: I gradually got to where Bipolar was not my end all and be all of who I am. I am not Bipolar. I am a person who suffers and struggles with Bipolar disorder, along with a few other ones that some folks added on as we rolled along.
has it changed my life? absolutely BUT not in the way you’d like it be. It would be that I recognize as I live day by day, what really is a consequence of the disorder/disease and what is most likely just me. I have become more mindful, as I’ve aged.
does this mean that my Bipolar is so less than your’s? NOT.
In that BIpolar is a highly customized individualized brain disorder to the brain it inhabits and inflicts itself within, is the symptoms different from one to another… because it’s a highly customized individualized brain disorder…
my Bipolar is no less than your’s nor is it more severe than your’s… on any given day, at any given moment, it can be one or the other or during “mixers”…. it can be both
And then you realize also, that no matter what condition your brain happens to be in, NOBODY accomplishes all the things they want to in life…meets all their aspirations. It’s a losing game to think about it that way. I thought I wanted the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and a Dalmatian named Spot. Bipolar took that “dream” away from me a long time ago. But what I’ve learned along the way is, I didn’t really WANT those things. That was someone else’s version of happiness, not my own. Bipolar has done havoc on my love life over the years…but again, I know numerous people who have even worse track records with women and men, and they are as “normal” as they come. (is there such a thing?) I also know plenty of married people who are with their spouse out of convenience at this point, the love between them died long ago, but they stick around for the kids. Is that any better? You are right about empathy, suffering as we do we gain a unique insight into what others may be feeling too. I find that friends of all kinds open up to me about extremely private issues, because I’ve been very open about my battle over these last 2 decades, and they can appreciate that pain is pain…no matter the source. I hope I’ll find the type of person in the future that is as understanding of me as I will be of them. And I’ll continue doing what I love the most – the same as you, writing – and finding people out there that need me to help them communicate with the world. Bipolar has made me stronger. Am I going to visit 30 countries in my lifetime, or have a really high paying job, or that white picket fence mentioned above? No. But I stand here, living and breathing, a spectacular gift by itself…with a roof over my head, a pantry full of food, and some people out there that love me. That’s about 97% of it all, right there !
Very nice happiness is wanting what we have bp disorder is humbling. The world doesn’t know how to define success. We are fighters we don’t quit.
I feel differently now.
I am Sandra,the person first
I suffer from this illness + others second.
I’ve heard ppl use BP as a free pass,too
I’m not ever saying we don’t suffer,of course we do.
But blaming every single thing wrong in your life on bp isn’t good form,either.
At the end of the day I know I try & tell myself …..your independent/ you don’t need to be codependent.
Which is another goal,no group homes,day hospitals to do my own groceries,take care & be resonsible
for my own pet ( which I have forever been able to do to) I can educate myself somewhat online through reputable sites.
Huge thing for me is eating right or I lose weight very fast…..look frail not just slim like now
Finally,I think when I’m really tired,back of my my hamster on its wheel position on Off off on…..
I’m hoping someone who is new here,will see this & be helped or touched/ reached.
After all,humans are put on this earth to do simply that.
Fin.doing best I can for the type of BP I have……not everyday is MANIA or depressed ”
Some middling” that’s the best I’ve reached ( as yet) and
Hi everyone in BP land:
Interesting topic to bring up,as I’m certain there will be a long list of comments
For me,my current Psych actually asked me how much do I feel my illness
Has effected my life.
I thought about it immediately looked at him directly eye to eye
Saying”it has destroyed it completely” now,may I elaborate …
My current psych SPECIALIZES in BP has worked all over the world,not only our country
Of CDA. He told me most patients say THE SAME THING
He also said many others are far worse than I,are locked up for very intensive periods.
It does ruin relationships ( for certain) my uni career ( ruined,so,yes,your dreams)
So,I guess you have to adapt to the different self ( you can’t change it so …)
Day by day lower your goals but that doesn’t mean quit fighting the disease.
That’s been the hardest,lower standards,chilling out more, remembering as we all should
There’s ALWAYS MI PEOPLE OR ANY SICK PPL WORSE OFF
THAN YOU ARE
So when I / or you are feeling the oh I’m a failure rant”
Try see one positive change for the better that’s happened
During your psych treatment.
We all have @ least one….it’s just hard to see from the darkness..trust me,I get it.
I know I’ll never be Sunshine & rainbows up my butt….
But I’ve stayed now out of the hospital near 4/ yrs…….
I am proud of that.
Thank you Natasha,for your blog.
I’m hoping one day,not to be like you as you are you I am me..
But a writer,but I may never get there.
Who knows where I’ll get?
I may simply still stay back w my poetry interrupted…..
Even @ my most ill if I simplytook life a minute at a time
Instead of oh god my ENTIRE LIFE”
Wasn’t as overwhelming.
As you also stated,re empathy I gotcha.
I found myself opening doors when @ hospital for my tests for
Elderly,pregnant women,women w a bunch of kids…sometimes idle chit chat,depends
On my mood,but usually I would be friendly / kind
I would help elderly w the taxi phones,anything they needed.
Also I was raised this way,too)
But,it gets you out of your brain,& your heart feels good.
I know,too when it’s time to click off social media,even ppl
Just be w my own boo boo ( cat)
I’m 55 I’m still adulting & childlike looking for the wizard of Oz
Sandra eternally looking for the ruby slippers ♥️?❤️??
It’s so interesting to read these comments. I too most likely had it from an early age. I remember distinctly the first time I felt odd – New Years Eve 1968. My parents assumed it was encroaching puberty, and it undoubtedly was partially that. I had spells of what was later called simply depression (not that there is anything “simple” about depression) off and on until menopause began its process, and at that point all bets were off and antidepressants either didn’t work or made me violently ill. What a nasty malady to try to diagnose accurately.
It has definitely changed my life. I decided to take an early retirement because the instability (and inability to tolerate most medications that might help) left me unable to perform up to my own or anyone else’s standards. Oh boy was there mourning for the me that existed for 40 years. But for the last year or so I’ve found myself shedding layers, rediscovering some of the creativity I had before “real life” intervened. Will I ever have enough energy or stability again? Nah. I don’t believe it. But it has allowed for some self-discovery I probably never would have experienced otherwise.
I’d still rather be without it, but one doesn’t exactly get a choice in that department! :)
I think I’m one of those folks who were born with it. And sadly, I was born way too early ( I am 66)- I only wish I’d been treated early and with something under than criticism ,and judgment ,and pointless analysis, that did nothing but make me feel like a victim. So glad things have changed for younger people.
Interesting question. I don’t believe bipolar has changed ‘me’ at all but it has certainly changed what I do and how I live my life. And so others looking at me from the point of view of my changed life might think I have changed too, but I am the same me.
Of course it feels like I have changed in my mind because I can’t do everything I want to.
Bipolar changes our lives, but not our character.
I agree that some are born with bipolar, others are ambushed later. I was definitely born with it and can first remember complaining about depression (but not in those terms) when I was preschool aged. My life was turbulent and messed up for decades after that. I was Dx at 39 years old. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me, I do *not* want my pre-diagnosis self back, the new me is much happier and more stable.
Thanks Natasha for all the great writing and advocacy!
for me, forty years post-diagnosis, bipolar disorder is not something i have, it’s who i am. this is an odd yet important distinction, odder still because i feel the same way about my other major disease, cancer. it’s as if pathology becomes nationality: that which is killing us becomes where we are from.
bipole runs like a river on my father’s side of the family especially. long ago, doing a family tree for some caregiver, i realized i came from a long tradition of early-achieving early-suiciding nutjobs. some of these ancestors, you could find their names in books, such was the brightness of their success; i focused on this more than their inability to live past thirty-five. in this way i pretended that the brutal diagnosis was like discovering i was the lost prince of moldavia.
Surely BPD prexists diagnosis? I believe that I inherited it and was born with it…
Hi Sherry,
I suspect some people are born with bipolar disorder but most don’t manifest until their a teen or in their 20s and some even later. I wrote an article on whether people are born with bipolar disorder here: https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/people-born-bipolar-disorder/
For me, I started manifesting at 12, I believe, but it didn’t officially, or truly roll in without prejudice until I was about 19.
– Natasha Tracy