The issue with bipolar disorder isn’t that we have feelings, it’s that our feelings are too big. Emotions are normal, even big emotions at certain times are normal but people with bipolar have feelings that are too big far too much of the time.
Why Bipolar Is an Illness and Feelings Are Not
What people don’t understand about bipolar disorder, as a mood disorder, is this: all feelings exist on a spectrum and anyone’s feelings might exist anywhere on that spectrum depending on a given situation; people with bipolar disorder exist way too far onto one end, however. For example, if you’re a dog person and you see a cute pooch walking down the street, you might smile and be a little happy. If your parent has just died, you may be extraordinarily sad. Completely normal, all of it.
But with bipolar disorder (bipolar depression, specifically) it feels like your parent dies every day. The problem isn’t the emotion, it isn’t the feeling itself, it’s that the feeling is too big for the situation. The feeling is pretty much always too big, every day, all day.
Bipolar and Feelings that Are Too Big
I feel like I am a hurricane trapped inside a bubble, ready to burst at any moment. I do all I can to keep the hurricane inside, but it’s a bubble I live in and bubbles can only be maintained for so long. And hurricanes harm. They harm me whether they’re inside the bubble or not and they might even hurt others should the hurricane pop the bubble. I know that my feelings are too big. I know that I am too much. I know that people with bipolar disorder have to handle more, internally, than any normal person can understand.
An Example of Emotions that Are Too Big in Bipolar
For example, I watched a television show today. (I tend to watch television over movies because movies are just too triggering. They’re meant to be. They’re art that’s designed to elicit emotion. Television is less like this. It’s safer.) And so, today, I watched a character in this television show die and I was crushed with sadness. I didn’t feel a twinge, I felt a tempest. Even though it was a fictional character in a fictional story playing out in nothing but pixels, my bipolar brain couldn’t handle it.
You would never understand it if you were watching me but I felt so Earth-shattering sad that I wept and wailed and went through tissue after tissue. So much crying, so much sobbing, so much pain and it wasn’t even 9:00 a.m.. If you were watching me you would think I was crazy. (Which I am, so that makes sense.)
Feelings Aren’t Bipolar – Bipolar Is Bipolar
The point here is not that I had this emotion the point here is that I had a massive emotion from a tiny antecedent. If I had felt that way because of a death or because of something massive, it would have been understandable, but because this type of experience is more like the rule than the exception, that’s what makes it bipolar disorder and not just another feeling.
Reasons for Bipolar Feelings that Are Too Big
I will say that I’m not always so highly reactive to external stimuli but when in bipolar depression or in a bipolar mixed mood, it’s just something that happens. I also know that my sleep has been compromised for quite some time thanks to a pinched nerve in my neck and compromised sleep always presents a worsening of bipolar symptoms.
Regardless, though, whether I’m feeling highly irritated because of hypomania or devastatingly upset because of depression, my feelings are just too big to fit into one, tiny, human brain. I know this. I understand this. It troubles me greatly but I’ve learned to live with it because it’s the brain I have and I’m not getting another.
But I do wish that others would understand that I’m dealing with level 11 emotions the vast majority of the time and they have no idea what that’s like. Everyone else gets over a death and over that state of extreme despair with time. My time is my lifetime.
Image by Flickr user Shigemi.J.
Hey, Natasha, thank you for this post. I appreciate your writing and I’ve used your blog as a resource for the past couple years after being diagnosed Bipolar 1 a few years ago. I just survived a 4-month bout of episode of depression after a medication change. I’ve been really happy for 2 weeks, but I watched a children’s cartoon yesterday and have been sad for 2 days because the boy’s mother is being charmed by an evil villain. Anyway, I can laugh at it so that’s a good sign. Have you heard of Neuro Feedback? It’s helping calm my anxiety down. I’ve been working at it for a couple years to get to this point but… anyway it’s really been helping me calm down raising thoughts and anxiety. Ed Hamlin in North Carolina is the main Neuro Feedback guru I’ve heard of. My Bipolar protocol with the EEG thingies is C5/C6 placements on the human head. I just started reading your blog again, so maybe you mentioned it and I overlooked it. — Love from, Amber in Canada
I suppose I am more reactive to stresses than most people I know. I suppose it could be partially because of my bipolar disorder. I know my pdoc and husband certainly think I am easily “upset” or triggered by things most aren’t.
I don’t think I struggle with out of control “feelings” every day, but then again I live a comparitively stress free life right now on disability. When I have tried to take some steps forward in terms of taking on more responsibilities, or just generally putting myself in challenging positions I often react badly, and anxiety or a bipolar episode begins to brew quickly. But it isn’t always within minutes or hours. Sometimes I don’t really fully noticed the reaction until days have past.
I have made some progress over the course of my recovery and my husband recalls that I wasn’t always reactive before particularly rough periods of my illness.
Paul:
I feel your frustrated your in a bad place …..
So your taking my it out on everyone else right now
I’m sorry that you feel this way.
Yet I don’t think it’s fair to attack others …..Natasha put this site up for all of With BP ……
I must say I feel I’ve been hit in the face by your viciousness.
How do you see this as ok?
I’m saying it’s not ok if your feeling like shit deal with it like a man ….Go work out or something!
Words hurt & once out there you cannot take them back!
Excuse me I get you,I’m offended & disgusted!
I’ve had plenty of horrible times BUT NEVER ATTACKED OTHERS!
WTF?
Why didn’t you SIMPLY SHUT UP KEEP YOUR RUDENESS TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!
TRust me I’ve had MY FAIR HARE OF CRAP LIKE THIS.
OH NO I WOULDNT DARE TELL YOU WTF IT WAS OR NWHAT IT DID TO ME OR IT MIGHT UPSET” YOU!!!!
TO HELL ABOUT MY FEELINGS OR ANYONE ELSES!
WHAT ABOUT OTHERS RIGHTS?
BS.
HAVE A NICE DAY I NOW !i surely WILL
!!!!!!!!!
I don’t often comment on your blogs anymore, or even read them, for the exact reason you’ve discussed in this present blog. I just can’t contain the emotions. Reading about the experiences of others with bipolar just gets me raging angry, or devastatingly sad, or both. I totally lose it, and it’s not fair to you guys for me to write in the comments section here what I’m thinking in those moments. It’s by far the very worst symptom of bipolar that I carry around, and not a single med of the dozens I’ve tried has helped it in the slightest.
Paul, I’m so sorry that your moods and emotions have been bothered by the stories here on this blog or possibly the way the chemicals in your brain have been reacting to them. It’s rough having this, right? My thoughts are with you and your personal plight to find a calmer place mentally, or a new drug that might help you. Don’t beat yourself up if you can help it. Wishing you peace and a better year. New bipolar drugs and their commercials have been bombarding the t -v stations this past year. Let’s hope one of them eventually finds their way to help you. Peace.
Paul:
You have written a sincere and honest post explaining how the raw, seesaw emotions we live with have impacted you. I see nothing remotely offensive in your post. It was stated from the heart and speaks for many of us, myself included.
I read this blog a lot but comment infrequently also, mostly because I find it emotionally draining to collect and write my thoughts in a coherent manner. Please continue to post – I believe this blog is for all of us who suffer from this difficult illness, you included. Don’t permit yourself to be stifled just because everyone doesn’t get your point. I do understand it and I appreciate your comment – it helped me with a family issue I’m presently dealing with. Thank you!
EDDE : you can also try FOR PAIN: Dr Teals bath products,
Bags of Lavender Epsom Salts or plain)
They are healing)
Plus not overly costly ( available @ most Shoppers Drug Marts or probably most large pharmacies…..
Or,if your near the Body Shop,they carry healing items,if you tell them where your pain is ( all girls work there of course!)
But more costly….
I’m a firm believer too of a heating pad,BUT REMEMBER TO KEEP IT ALMOST OFFAT BEDTIME
For me,heat helps,others find cold works.
That’s what I mean.
There’s healing herbal teas…..but most poo poo at this although I mentioned ginger tea/ manuka honey to couple
Friends with bad flu….within 2 days they were better……..
Search the Internet if you have one…..finally never give up……you’ll find a way out,( pain) but it takes patience &
Time. ?
Natasha, you hit the “nail on the head” for bipolar’s emotions being “Bigger than “Big”. I felt the same way for over 25 years with my over the hill episodes, until my last 6 week hospitalization. I somehow realized and admitted that my feelings and emotions were the basic cause of my continued episodes and that I was the only person to be responsible for my emotional overreactions. So something needed to happen in order to meet that need for control.
With the help of my therapists and CBT, over time, I found out that most of my emotions and feelings steamed from a highly negative attitude. I developed a game plan to conquer this negativity by turning to my own Power of Positivity. This ultimately lead me now over 32 years of episode free emotional stability. Perhaps, my plan may not be beneficial for all who are challenged with those “Bigger” emotions that seem to plague their dealing with bipolar disorder, but it’s worth a try !
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Positivity-Bipolar-Anyone-Else/dp/1478110147
EDDE: I feel YOU!!!
I’ve lived with severe pain since birth ….& been teased about by having stones thrown at me as a child &
Verbally abused about it……
I do get having the 2 is literal HELL .
One is bad enough….
It definitely does effect the bipolar for the worse ……
I was lucky,finding the BEST GP EVER who put me on a great med for pain.
Now I don’t say what that is b/c we are all so different but I will say I’ve an ulcer in my stomach.
Which that rules out many pain meds ….plus my pain is bad enough now ( I’m 55)
I feel I’d need a walker)
I’ve had a MRI yrs past 2 pages long,since I understand some med lingo I was permitted to read it.
I remember I read it,burst into ?
Anyway,sorry.
Losing track….as I do.
Since being on the pain meds ( daily) I’m much more able to function,lift things etc.
No,I’m not BIONIC WOMAN ? but I’m stronger plus I tak some vitamins & am a vegatarian ( latter by CHOICE)
When one antipsychotic made my naturally slim figure balloon up 65 lb or maybe more don’t recall)
As weight stable back to my healthy around 147 @ five feet nine 1/2 inches.
Ps I tried every form of pain management out there…..I’d say start the chat ( if you haven’t already)
With your GP telling him / her saying how much chronic pain effects your bipolar & your entire LIFE.
Hopefully they will sort you out & come up with a plan that is tailored for you ….as my dress theory,pain management isn’t what worked GREAT for one could be an absolute FAIL for another!!
Your in my thoughts……best o Luck…..remember if it’s easier,prepare nite before if anxious)
Write all you want to say down on paper,put it in your bag I do it still,it helps me stay focused!!!!
I know what it likes to cry hrs in pain…..be well……?❤️ Spreading good karma to you!!!!
One rarely hears of ulcers anymore. Has your doctor treated them with antibiotics? Mine went away years back when I had one in my own stomach and was given antibiotics and cured.
Well said, but today I am exhausted by these big/ enormous emotions that are exacerbated by the physical pain.
I couldn’t have written this better.
Including the pinched nerve,ironically there’s something wrong with both my upper leg & rt shoulder……
That wake me up every nite.
I do have Drs appt tomorrow,will just get him to check them both.
( normally I’d let it go,but I’m 55 not young so….)
I’ve been unable ( tried EVERY SINGLE COPING SKILL IVE GOT, to rid this shitty depression.
Well,2- weeks see HRH ,( psych) see what he says…..let’s say I’m really tired of the restrictions put on me.
Re what you stated I find movies absolutely WAAYYY too much….telly & internet much more calming &
Chill.
I’m not sure with me personally about the movies,think so much,I cannot follow the plot unless it’s funny
But I get paranoid with all the peeps in the mOvie theatre.
Anyone same about THEATRE? REAL ACTUAL PLAYS ACTED OUT?
I went 1 x for my sis in laws ? OMG ? TERRIBLE anxiety thru the roof plus was 3 damn hours!
When it was over I said I’m so glad that’s over terrible! That God since the fam complimenting the stupid play
Didn’t hear that………:(
Rest of fam LOVES movies makes me sad as when my little bro comes down fr TO & sis in law he’d love to
Go & im the buzzkill so we end up going to a nice restaurant………ugh then I feel like shit
Of course,another reason,no bf that’s a typical date nite thing to do.
When you have bipolar it’s like everyday ( well,personally ) there’s going to be triggers out there.
It’s simply how you learn to handle them.
Over time,like any skill,it takes patience ( which I’ve little of!) & practice & persistence.
Think my problem can be I do have ( well,I’ve built these skills to do so)
The mania or depression blocks the rest….
So.
I also try & if I’m shopping & start getting well shall we say polietly,
aggressive from lack of sleep all crashing down…I count ,or I’ll physically stand there w shut eyes.
Or leave store & return when it’s less busy…..if it’s still busy…..don’t go that day.
Side note my sister gave me a cool ? journal for Christmas ? but it’s not really a simple journal.
At the top,there’s an inspirational saying ( not poetry even) & you creative write not only feelings anything
Creative too!
I’m trying,as my goal….I don’t believe in resolutions.
For this year to try and write twice every day.
Goals,even a tiny one I think help a bit.
Anyhow
Natasha,
My sister really believes in my writing keeps encouraging me to keep at it
It’s tough when depressed.
But I withstanding,wanted you to know how I look up to you.
As a writer w this illness.
Every time I see your blog in my inbox it’s a ray of sunshine to me….no matter the mood.
You’ve helped given me a chance,when I’ve had negative connotations With psychiatrists.
Your the light in my candle,girl.
Don’t let your light ever dimmer.
Sandra
Hugs
It’s freezing in Kingston!
Shiver shiver!!!!!