Today I’m talking about what to do if a person with mental illness stops talking to you. I’m talking about this today because it’s a question I get from people all the time. After all, it’s very difficult to know what to do with a wall of silence. It’s loved ones who ask this question, and I think they deserve to know ideas about what to do if a person with mental illness stops talking to them.
I wrote about why a person with mental illness might stop talking to you (see post here), and it was a very popular article as I think this is something that happens more often than any of us would like to admit. While I’m not guilty of this personally as I’m an overcommunicator if anything, I’ve certainly seen it happen and have been the one on the receiving end of silence as well,.
What Did You Do to Make a Person with Mental Illness Stop Talking to You?
There are some cases in which you might have done something to make a person with mental illness stop talking to you. This isn’t always the case, of course, but it can happen; after all, we’re all human and make mistakes. Now, the other person’s lack of communication might be an overreaction to the situation (people with mental illness often feel things more deeply than others), but if you have a part to play in the silence, you need to own up to it. This likely means some soul-searching to determine what your part was and how you want to handle it, but I find a mea culpa tends to work fairly well in most relationships.
If a Person with Mental Illness Stops Talking to You — What to Do
That said, it’s quite possible that you did nothing wrong at all and the person with mental illness is not talking to you for their own reasons that have nothing to do with you. (At this point, if you haven’t read my previous article on this, you really should.) In these cases, here are some plans for what to do when a person with mental illness stops talking to you:
- Give the person with mental illness some space. This is a hard one, I know. When you’re up against silence, some of us desperately want to end it. This is totally normal. But if a person with mental illness needs time, they need time. Texting them 13 times a day is not going to help them talk to you and showing up at their house isn’t going to help either. In fact, both of those things may prevent a person from reaching out.
- Reach out to the person — a little bit. I know this seems to go against the above, but it doesn’t; you can actually do both. What I suggest is giving a bit of time (say, a day or two), and then reaching out with something simple like a text that says something like, “I hope you’re okay. I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk.” It’s also reasonable to say something like, “I’m worried about you. Please text me, even just one word, to let me know you are okay.”
- Be supportive of the person with mental illness. When handling a person with mental illness that’s not talking to you, remember that the person with the mental illness may already feel really bad about not talking to you but the mental illness is still getting in the way. The best thing you can do for a person in that situation is to tell them that you still love and care about them. Send them a text that says something like, “Not talking is hard for me, but I want you to know it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still love and care about you. I will be here when you’re ready to talk.”
- Be honest. While you want to be supportive and be there for the person, your feelings are important too. This means it’s okay to reach out and say, “I’m feeling hurt that you’re refusing to talk to me right now. I will be here when you’re ready.” This expresses your feelings and still leaves the door open for future communication.
What to Do When a Person with Mental Illness Stops Talking to You and They May Be in Danger
All of the above assumes the person with mental illness is not a danger to themselves — unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. It is very scary, of course, when you’re worried about a person’s safety. In this case I think it’s reasonable to text something like, “I’m worried about you and your safety. Please text me, even just one word, to let me know that you’re okay. This is very important.”
And then, if the person with mental illness doesn’t respond, you might want to say the same thing but add, “Because I’m worried about your physical safety, if you don’t respond, I’m going to come over to ensure you’re okay.” Then follow through with this and go see the person. Don’t expect to stay, just confirm they are okay.
And finally, if you can’t go there or you feel it’s not appropriate or safe to go there, then call the police and ask for a wellness check. Yes, the police do these. You’re not reporting an actively dangerous situation, you’re just reporting someone that may be in danger and is refusing to respond. Use the words “wellness check” when you call and make sure you have a good reason for requesting one (mention a past suicide attempt if there has been one).
It’s likely that the person with mental illness will not react well to having a police officer at their door but their safety is more important than their possible ire.
What to Do When a Person with Mental Illness Continues Not Talking to You
Unfortunately, sometimes a person with mental illness won’t talk to you for a prolonged period of time. This is incredibly sad for both of you. In that case, try to keep the lines of communication open without being overbearing. For example, maybe pick one day a week when you send a text message reminding the person that you care about them and still want to talk in spite of the duration of the silence. You really want to get both of those messages across so the person is more likely to open up when they’re ready.
But in the end, if none of that works and you’ve reached the end of your rope with this person, that’s okay too. No one is superhuman and no one can continue to communicate into a void forever — a relationship is made up of two people, after all. If you feel like you just can’t keep talking to a person who won’t talk back to you, communicate that, and communicate your need for conversation. And if the person with mental illness still won’t talk to you, then be prepared to distance yourself. That is an option, and exercising it doesn’t make you a bad person — it just makes you a person. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t work out. Unfortunately, sometimes mental illness destroys things. And, unfortunately, sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it.
To the People with Mental Illness Who Won’t Speak to Others
And to everyone out there with a mental illness — please reach out to your loved ones. You’re putting them through hell by refusing to talk to them. I know you have your reasons — and some of them are very good reasons — but even just saying that you’re okay can be a huge relief for the people who love you. They’re worth it and so are you.
This is one of extremely few articles that cover the issues of folk with mental health problems who cut off their family. The Internet is awash with cases of estranged families and adult children cutting off so-called “toxic” parents….but hardly anyone talks about it in relation to mental illness.
I am in the midst of such a situation right now. My adult child has had psychosis and has not spoken to the family for over five months. Calls rejected, emails go unanswered. However, he’s speaking to a tiny number of selected friends, medical carers and—basically—a few folk with whom he has no particular emotional connections.
As the parents, we feel gutted but we also have had much first hand experience of the mental condition. But the chopping off of communications is a first for us. We fear daily that he might never come back to us, but certain improvements in his health (that we are told about; we’ve not seen him) suggest that he’s actually going the right way to recovery, so we just pray and hope each day that eventually the phone will ring or an email will come.
Thank you for writing this article….it’s so very important that this awful dilemma should be broadcast to a much wider audience.
Interesting subject. First I would take exception to the whole Wellness Check and mentioning mental illness unless you have a pretty good reason to suspect something. Law enforcement has a somewhat scary problem of overreacting to wellness checks when they here the words mental illness. I had unfortunately had a police wellness check simply due to a misunderstanding and had 3 police cars outside
I absolutely HATE it when people obsessively call me. 3, 4, 5 times or more!!! It is extremely irritating!!! Call once or twice maybe and then wait for me to call you back when I’m ready. By obessively calling or leaving me guilt producing messages I am more likely to explode at you when I eventually return your call. Realize that I may not be ready to actually talk to you right now for a number of different reasons. If I call you back before I am ready it is to simply to get you off my back so you won’t call the police for a fucking “wellness check”.
Honestly ask yourself why yoy feel the need to call me so obessively. Is it for really for YOUR peace of mind or MINE.
Stop bloody harrassing me and just give me some room to breathe instead of choking me with your wants and needs, insecurities and anxieties!!!
The less I tell my dysfunctional enmeshed family and tattletail frenemies the better.
As an adult if I choose not to take medication (believe me when I say there are a number of valid reasons why one would choose not to do so) then that is my perfect right. Just like a person with cancer who may choose not to opt for chemotheraphy (again there are many reasons why that may be) then it shouldn’t be something that is forced on them
Thanks for this post. My husband doesn’t want to talk to me several times a day. He says he doesn’t want to talk, and will distract himself with reading books for hours or watching something he likes. He doesn’t work because his bi-polar also exists with psychosis. We have two small kids. It is very, very, very hard to live with your husband, when he doesn’t want to talk. He has a therapist he does talk to, but unfortunately not to me. He refuses therapy together. I just am trying to give him the space he wants while I take care of the kids. I feel very, very, very lonely, but the paragraph where you said:
“your feelings are important too. This means it’s okay to reach out and say, “I’m feeling hurt that you’re refusing to talk to me right now. I will be here when you’re ready.” This expresses your feelings and still leaves the door open for future communication.”
This has helped calm my aching heart. I can say how I feel hurt, but leave the door open for him to talk if and when that ever will happen.
There is another cause for not talking that can arise. I have bipolar disorder. For many years I did not talk to my close relatives because I blamed them for stuff that it was really me who was responsible for. Three of them died before I came to my senses and sorted things out. It’s still very challenging to take responsibility for stuff that triggers such powerful emotions.