Most people will lose consciousness during a suicide attempt and, assuming they survive, it will be quite a jolt when they wake up after a suicide attempt. I know, I’ve been there. I remember the feeling (or, more accurately, feelings) of waking up after a suicide attempt. For some, it is grateful joy, for others, it is the darkest of disappointments. I think, though, waking up after a suicide attempt changes you no matter what. I also think that lessons can be learned at this time.

(Note: If you have just attempted suicide, this post isn’t for you — this post is.)

Trigger warning: I don’t usually use trigger warnings, but this time I am. This is going to get dark and maybe triggering. Be careful.

The Reasons I Attempted Suicide

I had very good reasons for attempting suicide back in 2010. The big one was that I was being denied psychiatric care. Some dumb bitch doctor — the DBD — decided that because I had been through virtually every treatment and they had all failed, there was no point in me seeing a psychiatrist. The DBD did not care how much pain I was in. The DBD didn’t care I was suicidal. The DBD, in fact, only gave me a 15-day supply of my medication. She was, without a doubt, the coldest, least-feeling person I have ever met.

When I left her office, I was still sobbing. I saw an old doctor who used to treat me in the hallway. I literally walked up to him, touched his arm and said, “Please help me.”

It was a very cinematic moment.

After I said that to him, I walked back to my car in a daze, trying not to through myself into traffic (quite literally).

In my head, it went like this:

  • If I can’t see a psychiatrist, then I can’t get help.
  • If I can’t get help, then I can’t get better.
  • If I can’t get better, then there is no point in existing.

Because the thing was, I was only existing — and not coming anywhere close to living — because of an extremely severe, crushing depression. Every moment hurt. Every movement hurt. Every thought hurt. I didn’t know of a single second without pain. My existence would have destroyed most people.

So when I did finally break down and try to kill myself, I felt like it was the only option left. No one would help me. I was unable to help myself. I wanted out more than I have ever wanted anything in the whole world.

When I actually did it, it was a confluence of things that led to it happening at that moment. These things took my brain into suicide and wouldn’t let it go. And, in my case, I had been fantasizing about a particular method for years and that method simply presented itself.

Waking Up from My Attempted Suicide

That method left me lying on my kitchen floor. I woke up from my suicide attempt amongst broken glass, candy cinnamon hearts and blood. I knew immediately that I wasn’t dead. I had failed.

I did not have a “come-to-Jesus” moment after I woke up from my suicide attempt. I did not suddenly appreciate life. I did not reaffirm my desire to die. I did not feel like I wanted to be there any more than I had before the glass broke. I know some people do feel these things and more, but I didn’t.

After waking up from my suicide attempt, I did realize something, though. I realized that the DBD was wrong. She had basically damned me to death in her office. But she was wrong. There was help for me. There was hope for me. Clearly, it wasn’t going to come from her, but it did exist. My revelation was that I could go against what that woman said and find someone who would believe in me.

A Realization Found Waking Up After My Suicide Attempt

So in that, I can say I thank my suicide attempt. I don’t know why it took that moment for me to realize that I could go against someone who was just another doctor with just another opinion, but it did.

One of the most terrifying moments in life is waking up after a suicide attempt. Your plan has just failed. What do you do? Here's what I did and learned.

Because the DBD was wrong. She was wrong, wrong, wrong.

But she taught me an important lesson that day: any doctor that gives up on a patient with a mental illness is wrong. It may be the case that a given doctor can’t find a way to help you. That’s okay. That’s just a person reaching his or her limitations. We all have those. But to suggest that single person is the be-all and end-all of your possible wellness is a mistake and it’s a mistake that could kill you.

Waking up after my suicide attempt it was clear to me that the DBD had signed my death warrant. But it was also clear to me that I was about to take a big eraser to that document. I was about to get a life warrant.

I want to be clear that I was still severely ill and this revelation was foggy at first, but it was there.

I did find a way around the DBD. I did find a psychiatrist that would help me. I am in a very different place today than I was 10 years ago.

Lessons Becuase of Waking Up After an Attempted Suicide

But I think what matters is that I learned when I woke up from my suicide attempt and I have held onto that lesson ever since. If my current psychiatrist gave up on me, and I pray he never does, I believe I wouldn’t try to kill myself; I believe I would try to go around him, too. (Although I don’t think he would just give up. I suspect he would be more responsible about ensuring I had care.) As I said, I pray I never have to do this, but I did learn the lesson, and I know that even the extreme provocation of having an attempted death warrant signed would no longer ensure my death.

Of course, I can’t promise that waking up after a suicide attempt will teach you anything (and let’s not forget, lessons are best learned before your life is on the line). But, what I can say is that if you can learn from your attempted suicide, it’s really on you to do so. I believe almost dying teaches us about life if we pay attention. I know that many of us can’t pay attention the moment it occurs — that’s okay — but, hopefully, with time, a lesson does present itself.

And if nothing else, please learn from my suicide attempt. Don’t let doctors castrate your quest for wellness. Doctors are important and doctors know a lot but they are just people and sometimes, they’re just dumb bitches and your life is imminently bigger and better than any of that.

If you’re in crisis — whether that be to the level of suicidality or not — please get help now.

Banner by Senior Airman Areca Wilson [Public domain].