I can’t tell you how horrible it is to be consumed by guilt because of depression and having that lead to suicidal ideation. Well, being consumed by guilt for any reason at all is horrible, but when it’s driven by depression — a demon in your brain — it’s incessant and resistant to logic. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by guilt because of depression and it actually made me suicidal.

Being Consumed by Guilt

And when I say I was consumed by guilt, I mean it felt like a guilt-monster actually ate me. I felt overwhelmed to a millionth degree. I actually couldn’t do anything without feeling the guilt and I could do anything about feeling the guilt.

Overwhelmed by Guilt and Suicidality Because of Depression

In this case, I had things I was feeling guilty about, but it was mostly the depression inventing the guilt that I was feeling. It wasn’t that I had don’t anything “wrong” per se, I was just feeling guilty anyway and that guilt was leading to suicidal ideation.

In my case, I had seen a friend the day before. She’s a wonderful human with two daughters. Her daughters seem to be lovely proto-humans. But when I’m around, the girls tend to act out a bit because there’s a visitor there (this is what my friend has said). I get that. I probably did that when I was a kid.

But they kind of drive me crazy. Incessant talking, banging, yelling and so on really overloads my senses. I don’t know how my friend does it. She’s amazing.

So when I was there, I spent some time with her family and spen some time with her alone. Yes, I prefer the time with her alone. I’m selfish that way.

But now I’m worried that I’ve insulted her and/or her children and I feel massively guilty about it. I didn’t do anything but I just feel guilty.

And I know that even if I have done something to hurt my friend (which I don’t believe I have), the level of guilt I’m feeling is insane and wildly out of proportion with the sin. The guilt is being driven by my depression. My depression is manifesting as guilt and that is creating suicidal ideation. I know that, but holy moly did that not help.

Depression and Guilt Consumption Turning into Suicidality

Guilt can be a sign of depression. Guilt can even drive suicidal ideation. Read how your brain can make you feel guilty about nothing and cause suicidality.

See, what we know is that depression is just when certain chemicals line up in the brain and fire in certain ways. All emotions are like that. We may not be able to pinpoint the specifics, but we do know that emotions are at least partially biological in nature.

So when I’m consumed by guilt because of bipolar disorder, what I need to remember is that it’s just my brain beating me up. Depression often manifests as guilt, that’s no surprise. It’s just one of the ways that depression gets you, makes you feel bad and even makes you want to end your life.

And yesterday, that was what I wanted. I felt so guilty because of depression that I wanted to die. The guilt was all-consuming. It was like more and more weight in the form of guilt was being added to me as I was trying to swim. I knew that eventually I would drown. Suicide was on its way.

How to Handling Overwhelming Depression Guilt

I wish I could tell you I had some secret technique and I beat it, but that wouldn’t be true.

What did I do? I slept. I slept and I slept and I slept.

When I tried to be awake and do awake things, I couldn’t. The suicidality would just get worse and worse. So I had to sleep to save myself from myself. I had to sleep to save myself from my all-consuming guilt because of depression. I had to save myself from my suicidal urges.

To the best of my recollection, I don’t recall ever having been driven to such dangerous suicidal ideation from guilt over nothing before. But that’s bipolar depression for you. It’s a moving target. Its symptoms wiggle. The illness is very hard to pin down from day to day.

Now that it’s the next day, I feel like I can stand up to that guilt somewhat. I have contacted my friend to see if I have upset her in some way. I need to hear her say that everything is okay — or that it isn’t. Either way, I need her to verify that so I can face it and deal with it head-on. I can make mistakes but I can also apologize for mistakes and I can be forgiven. And when depression isn’t everything, I can deal with things more like your average person. (Even if they’re things my brain pretty much just made up.)

Honestly, my friend may think me asking about it is really weird. I’m okay with that. I can explain it to her if I have to. And I know she’ll understand. She’s wonderful that way.

When Guilt and Depression Are Driving You to Suicide

So what I would say is that if you find an emotion like guilt driving you to consider suicide — get help or use extreme coping skills immediately. Because later, you won’t be so all-consumed by that emotion. Later you will be able to deal with that emotion in a more real way. Later you’ll be able to see it for what it is: a misfiring brain and not a reason to die.

I know that can sound obvious, but it isn’t when you’re in that place. Your brain can lie very convincingly. I know that. You know that. So wait it out until you can get out of that place. You can do it. I did.