I hate you.
Or, perhaps, it might be more accurate to say my bipolar hates you. Or my bipolar makes me hate you. Or something.
I feel this pervasive negative, black, dark, inky hatred spread atop my “Natashaness” that seems to affect how I feel about everything. Theoretically, philosophically, intellectually, I know that I don’t hate everything. In fact, I know that I don’t really hate anything. But I sure feel as if I hate everything.
Depression, Bipolar and Hatred
The nearest thing I can figure is it’s a bipolar depression thing. Depression is a negative, black, dark, inky feeling that seems to invade everything and that invasion often seems to involve hatred. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t really hate anything. Not really. It just feels like I do.
Bipolar Hatred and Anger
And so this hatred makes me irritable and angry. I feel angry for so many reasons. Sure, there’s the hatred that just breeds anger, but I’m angry on top of that and I’m angry that I feel the hatred at all and I’m angry that I can’t seem to stop it, sooth it or mitigate it in any way. I just have to sit and listen to the horrible, negative, deathly, torturous thoughts. I don’t want to. I want to think of other things. But I can’t. The bipolar has taken over my brain.
It’s also pretty easy to be angry at everyone who doesn’t feel this way. That anger is real too. So if you’re well, if you’re mentally healthy, if you’re happy, it’s pretty easy for me to hate you too.
The Bipolar Hatred Isn’t Real
I know this hatred isn’t real. I know it’s a veil. I know it’s the bipolar talking and not Natasha. But it’s so pernicious. It’s a weed. It’s a soul weed. I want to grab it and rip it out. But its thorns and thistles just make me bleed instead.
Expression of the Bipolar Hatred
It’s really hard to express hatred because people don’t take it very well. I could say that I feel hatred but don’t really hate a person and they seriously won’t get it. Like, how can I feel hatred for someone/something and yet know that I don’t hate it at the same time? I understand this confusion. If you’ve never lived in a bipolar brain (or, simply, a mentally ill brain) then you don’t know. You don’t know how your brain and thoughts can be stolen from you and controlled by an outside (inside?) force. I can understand how you don’t get it. But I swear, it’s a real thing and I’m not making it up.
And I think sometimes my hatred, is just a lot of tears channelled into something else. Instead of crying for hours, I just hate. I’m not sure how the depression transmutes like that, but it does. Mental illness is slippery that way.
What I can suggest, is, if you’re feeling that bipolar hatred, and you know it isn’t you, you need to find a place to put that hatred that’s healthy. Oh, I don’t know, maybe in a blog article? Maybe in a scream? Maybe in a piece of art? Maybe in a run? Basically, whatever way in which you can channel you energy – even if it’s really negative – as long as you’re not hurting anyone (including yourself), I find it can calm the hatred, a tiny bit.
When the bipolar hatred comes up, it won’t go away that easily, at least mine won’t. But by externalizing it, you can really see that it isn’t real and it isn’t you. If you look at a dark, black, muddy canvas that you made you can clearly see the hatred as something that’s attacking you. It’s an outsider. It’s not you. It just isn’t.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like I hate you. But it’s not you that I really hate. It’s the bipolar.
How do you externalize without putting yourself or others in danger. Writing, drawing, coloring, mindfulness, living in the moment, they do work, but only to a limited extent. But you look at others that make living life look so easy. The same life that you want, yet you know you cannot have, or even worse, the life that you once had and have lost. That makes me hate you. I am happy for you yet I covet what you have and the stability you enjoy. That then drives the anger even further, and that anger becomes internalized, blaming yourself for being mentally ill. Yet you can be doing everything right, med compliant, and yet I will never be normal.
For me, living in a world where I have to be normal to be accepted, I would rather hide. And that constant struggle makes me hate you
this comment hits home. I’m recently diagnosed and coming to terms with this realization.
I’m not bipolar (that I know of) but I can totally relate. I call those days “cave days” where I wish I lived in a cave far away from all people.
Hugs help though. ^hug^
I can so relate.My Anger and hatred is just tunneled towards certain people ,people from my past and people in my present .Some days I hate with real passion ,other days when I am ‘happy” I replay that hatred in my head anyway .Its like I have to keep it ”alive”.Its awful .Even when I don`t hate I do .You have explained it so well .It makes me feel understood.I am a photographer and an artist and need to be around people at times for work ,But I can not do it .I can easily ‘hermit’ myself for months even years at a time .I will commit to something and at the last minute I hope to brake my arm so Ill have an excuse to not be there .The people that are around me wont believe it because I try to look and seem ‘normal’ most of the time ,but I cant wait to get away from them .People trigger me ,and I think that is my biggest fear .Then of course I am so paranoid always been .Yet I am one of the most sympathetic people you will meet .I am a policeman for the under dog the outcast and the ‘cast aways’ .I hate bullies and mean people .People make me sad Id rather be by myself with my art .As a child I would walk past someone feel their pain and start crying ,feeling so much emotion I couldnt take it .Found a term on google one day ,I think it was called empath.True or not I am a very emotional person ,growing up in a family that had no emotion ,its like I was doomed.I wondered many times why I was ‘there ‘ amongs them .I still struggle with those people today and yes they are my family .I dont have friends ,but i have an amazing husband that supports me and I can tell anything .I consider myself very blessed and lucky .Maybe lucky is the wrong word ,cos Ive come to the conclusion a few years back that I also deserve to be loved and be happy .Luck has nothing to do with it .Took me years to say That I am allowed to be happy or that I even deserve it .
To al the bp friends on here .Be strong, believe in yourself and take it a minute at a time .A Minute past doing well, is bliss. xx love and hugs to all of you beautiful people .
th for your posts Natasha .Found it today and will be reading it all xx
Thank you. It helps me understand a bipolar friend whom I love dearly. I sometimes feel really hurt by that persons rejection, but i know better now. It’s not really the person, it’s the disease. I need to be more understanding and learn to give space when necessary.
Thank you for writing about it. I pray that one day, there will be a treatment that will relieve, if not cure the disease forever. In the meantime I need to be understanding and kind.
Mostly, my BP just makes me hate myself and you can bet your ass that if I hate myself you are next on my list. I’ve been working on it with docs and meds for 20 years, and yet here I am. From the outside most would envy the life I’ve built. On the inside it’s just dark. I took a lethal dose of sleeping pills in December but was “rescued” from myself. I won’t let that happen again. The rescuing part, that is. Because I hate myself.
Okay, so here is an idea. Bipolar is a collection of thoughts, obviously thoughts that don’t serve you and you don’t want. Thoughts that have been felt repeatedly over and over so much that they are now a part of your identity. And they make you go crazy because you simply
No longer want to have these thoughts and beleifs. Well here is a cure for it. Each day practice meditating where you force yourself for an entire hour to never look down. Because if you don’t let yourself look down then you can’t feel down. I’m not saying to necessarily look up, although that works also, but for starters just look at around eye level or maybe slightly below, but don’t ever let yourself look down. For an hour every single day. Their will be
Times when your body will want to look down so fucking bad because it’s used to your old patterns of thinking negative, but practice every day for a few months this excersize and watch as you force your body to no longer have those negative thoughts. This is called taking control over yourself. If you do this it will absolutely work. You also have to eat healthy enough so you have the energy to make this work. But yea you can’t tell me this won’t work because you would be wrong. It’s body mechanics, if you do it, it forces you to feel good, you don’t even have a say in it. Even during times when you would normally feel bad. All we are is a collection of thoughts and emotions, and if you practice everyday this excersize of recontructing your thoughts by not looking down, then after a month or two, you will have gone through the tremendous change and you will literally not be the same person with the same identity anymore because you have forced a new flow of thoughts where the old ones used to be. This excersize must be used when you normally would feel down and must be sustained for a minimum of a full 30 minutes. No less.
I have an idea
Hi, i am a 68 year old women, I am not to sure but very likely I have been like this since a child, when growing up I was sexually, physical and mentally abuse until the age of 16 by my family, when I finally got away from them then went down hill I got into prostitution, and drugs, life on the street
iv been off my meds for months now I hate everything around me iv been depressed I can only feel hate if not hate I wana cry most of the time I have specified hate to certain peoplw…I gave birth last year October the first few months I thought she was all I needed to heal from BP but I’m so bitter ao angry and absolutely don’t know why..I cry sometimes because I push my loved ones away unnecessarily they keep telling me to take my meds I can’t typing to u guys now and I’m crying again.. I’m so hurt I hate school was doing degree in veterinary technology and I just before exams I hated all my lectures never wanted to leave the house nor submit anything but the whole year was gappy with my progress but now I don’t know anymore does it rob us of a family school and mostly our happiness..I’m loosing all three I don’t know what do do anymore
Hell Natasha,
Thank you for your thoughts. I’m searching for answers. My son screams he hates me and is going to kill me. I’m scared. He’s 27… Won’t go to the Dr. Nothings Wrong With HIM . I spend countless hours searching for answers and help. May I ask you. this was written a while back. How are you? is the hate gone? I’m scared for my son…. and me. Thanks for your time.
maibe you shold read this…i had girlfriend lately , and she almost made me lost my mind, …when i got rid of her, i got cured , litteraly- in a minute…
http://personaltao.com/teachings/healing/resolving-feelings-of-hate/
Thank you natasha for such a wonderful website. I love the comments and its bitter sweet because while I am glad to know am not alone its sad to see that so many are going through a similar horrible existence.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I thought it was only me who felt this way. I am never angry until I have a moodswing and then I turn into someone else. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. :)
Thank you to everyone on this blog for your candid and supportive words. I can’t tell you enough how helpful it has been during this lonely time in my life. I’d love to form some new connections and friendships if possible.
Sending everyone love xo
Hi Ali,
Yes,it’s a tough illness you must be strong.
But,there’s always someone that you will find a connection with.
I understand/ feel the loneliness too..
But I’m older 56),so with age comes a form of acceptance.
When I was your age,no one knew what was wrong…but I did..
From childhood,that I experienced emotions at at much more intense level
Plus,had bouts of severe insomnia…
Anyway,
The best advice I can give is try & follow your treatment …I know…meds have side effects.
I’ve gone off them several times myself….
Only to end up psychotic in hospital……personally,I’d NEVER NEVER do it even think of it again.
It’s not fun in hospital,in case you’ve never been.
If you feel things ( med wise) aren’t working,please discuss concerns w your GP or psychiatrist.
Be honest,tell him/ her you went off your meds,& why
Of course,I’m not saying oh now you’ll be totally symptom free,no.
But you’ll be ABLE to cope with the ROUGHEST periods.
I,am a rapid cycler,even w my med cocktail..I still ( as we all) get triggered by things..get symptoms.
as psychiatry & psychotropic medications ,like us humans..are far from perfect.
Sending you a cuddle from Canada,Sandra BP friend in cyberspace
Hi Ali,
Try not compare yourself to others your age.
It’s futile,will only cause frustration.
If it makes you feel better,I left home @ 36!
But there were certain circumstances,plus BP
You need to try & learn to accept yourself …your not just a diagnosis.
I believe ( I know hippie shit) in karma…no I don’t smoke weed..)
I just think people should just be who they are…again,I don’t have friends right now…
But there are people ( or sheople ) that were toxic to my mental / physical health….
I’m highly intelligent,but really don’t like ending friendships…one was over 30 yrs..
But,I had no choice anymore
This person was sapping my energy so much…I was screwing up timing of my meds,as I’d get flurry of ASAP
emails ( not BP but sick,don’t want to disclose w the ALIMENT)
Anyway,excuse me Ali getting a bit off track..
Symptom for me.
Also I would recommend watching what you eat,& avoiding alcohol …..A) doesn’t mix w meds B) or bipolar disorder.
When I say watching what you eat,not dieting
Just junk food
Lots fruit,veggies,chicken fish,rice…etc.
Yoghurt you can put granola cereal on top mix it up instant healthy breakfast.
I always eat healthy breakfast I eat that,plus fruit everyday.
I’m not supposed to drink any caffeine,so decaf herbal teas….I do find some chilling.
It’s nice to have them iced,too.
My psychiatrist & I ,look at my cycles that the meds don’t touch like a storm ( manias,hypo manias)
Darkness,rain= depression,almost night time looking ( & it is daytime)
Then…..the calm….after it’s over
Guess what?
Promise,if you do follow whatever treatment plan wholeheartedly….
You will see what I mean,if your afraid maybe pickup a notebook & write…..
You’ve friends here,
I go thru it all the time.
You sound like a smart girl,stay strong….BE YOURSELF
Lastly,stay educated about bipolar.
The only one who controls you is you,but …I just want you to have all the chances…
I was incorrectly diagnosed since age 20
Only correctly diagnosed 4 yrs ago.
I cannot get those years back,but you are SO YOUNG STILL
FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT
Ciao Sandra friend in cyberspace hugs
Ali:
I also..suffer being assaulted ( around my 20s)
I wasn’t going to disclose this,as I’m usually private re these matters…thus ending up w PTSD ,as well.
So perhaps,that’s why your post effected me at a deeper level than some other friends here.
Though,there are many very nice individuals.
But remember every rose has it’s thorn,in life
Hope today brings u a smile & some peace.
I was up almost all nite …..ugghhhhh
Feel like shit
Friends Sandra in Cyberspace XO
I feel like I’m suffocating right now. I feel so painfully lonely and there are no support groups in my area. I am happy to discover this blog as it seems to put my muddled thoughts and feelings into such well written and thoughtful words. I feel so very lonely and slowed down. A manic episode that was precipitated by an assault sent me spiraling. I stopped taking my medication and became manic. ..though of course I refused to admit or acknowledge it at the time. I feel so painfully ashamed and embarrassed I won’t even show my face in my hometown. I have no siblings and my only good friend lives thousands of miles away. I KNOW I need to stop isolating myself but I just don’t know who to turn to or what to say. It doesn’t help that I’m a single 29 year old living at home again. So, here I am, hoping to connect to you guys and start making some positive changes.
Thank you for this outlet Natasha – it is truly invaluable.
hi Ali,
don’t worry about feeling ashamed. We all get that at some point in our lives. And if we look back, we eventually realise that it was just a storm in a teacup. I’m not negating the anxiety you might be feeling right now – simply pointing out that in the grand scheme of things, this will pass and you’ll soon realise it was nothing major.
Add to this that communication and honesty brings understanding. On the other hand ignorance brings fear and hatred. So be open with people. But also be calm about it and let them know that you have learned that some things are out of your control but that you have learned that there are some things you can do to better manage the challenges you have ahead of you.
And make your life one of habit: have a list that you repeat every day like a mantra –
Take my meds
Keep up my therapy
Eat well
Sleep well
Avoid negative or obsessive thoughts
Focus on the positive that YOU can do today
Have healthy (physically and mentally) objectives
Don’t beat yourself up too much – just enough to motivate you to make the right changes
Take one step at a time – this includes the development of your friends
I’m not bipolar. But you don’t have to be bipolar for the above advice to work in your life. In fact, you’d be surprised how many supposedly ‘normal’ people are absolute muppets and quite lost in the world because they don’t focus on the above basics.
Good luck and take some comfort in knowing that you’ve found a great place (here) to get some advice and help: you are not alone.
David
If you’re NOT bipolar, and it seems you haven’t mentioned a loved one With bipolar, or a neighbor, or a close friend, an old buddy, then you haven’t the slightest idea of what to tell a bipolar woman who has bipolar problems, do you? No you don’t. Because you haven’t given it.
Firstly, you ARE negating her anxiety!
She has bipolar, she was assaulted, had a manic episode, she stopped taking her meds, she’s lonely, ashamed and has no friends and she’s back at home at 29.
Does that sound like the right kind of advice, or information that you just gave to a woman with all of those problems?
Eat well—-sometimes you can’t eat at all or you over eat junk foods until your 4000 lbs and want to hang yourself!. (write this down and maybe You’ll learn something here)
Focus on the positive-WHAT positive? The delusions? The psyche meds? The hair loss? the friend loss? The weight gain? or inability to eat at all? The sleepless nights? the nightmares? The speeding thoughts? the shame many feel? I’d type my fingers down to a nub with all I could say about that one..
Sleep well—-Ha! Are you serious?? Many of us have to drug ourselves into a coma with triple script psyche drugs before we get a few hours of sleep a week! What are you even DOING on a bipolar website? Don’t tell me you’re writing a term paper or your thesis Too late for that.
Avoid obssesive or negative or thoughts– and how does one do that David? When THAT’S part of the illness??? It’s not like we invite them in and entertain them! They come unwanted and unwaranted like cock roaches That’s like saying, “don’t have a bipolar episode and you’ll be fine”.
Don’t beat yourself up to much– That’s bipolars Job! It kicks your ass FOR you, free of charge.
Focus on the positive–Again! Part of our illness and problem and trying to ”think it away” does Nothing! You focus on the hell you’re going thru– when you’re going THRU it. Even when you’re not. It reminds you.
“you are not alone”—Oh yes she is. She’s very alone, and telling her she’s not –may makes her question her or our sanity even more. I was imagining you telling that to me. Even with a husband and friends, having them all around you–you are STILL alone It’s a lonely and terrifying illness!
“You’ve found a great place here, to get some advice.”
That’s the only sane thing you’ve said to her since you put fingers to key board here.
Seems you’re patronizing her w/o a clue as to what she has, what it is, and what she can REALLY do–to help herself. ”Speak not of what you know not of”. I’m sure you meant well, but you’re advice here is better suited to a middle shool child. No offense.
Stevie Nicks,
Reading back over Ali’s posts, there’s a lot that you seem to have surmised without any actual facts from Ali. I can only guess that this is reflective of your own situation. Personally, while I acknowledge that there are some common traits, I also understand that each person’s case is different. So I have made no assumptions about Ali’s situation.
Interestingly you’ll note that much of my advice was also given by Sandra Coban above, who I see you chose not to launch an attack on.
All I have done is try to give Ali some positive encouragement. The same encouragement that I have given many others here and that has received positive feedback. And I’m pretty sure that the advice I have given is reflected by those who are successfully managing their situation.
Just because the advice is hard to follow doesn’t make it invalid.
You seem angry and I think it might be worth asking yourself if this is a sign that you need to pay attention to your own health. I appreciate that this may be easier said than done but I also appreciate that it may be a necessity.
I’m not going to take your comments personally. That’s not meant to be dismissive. Far from it, it comes from a compassionate understanding that you might be having a tough time.
Good Luck.
You can’t give advice that matters, to a bipolar person unless you’re familiar with the illness itself–in a professional way or in a personal way.
I just assumed by your advice that maybe you, yourself, were masking or hiding, another cousin to bipolar such as schizo-affective disorder, or borderline personality or possibly another. Just guessing. Those are often shamefuly hidden illnesses also. And you were reading this blog, so I just assumed, that you might be interested in this info because it certain ideas might pertain to yourself? No personal attack ever intended.
Your post was addressed to Ali, and she stated the many facts I addressed that you had given your advice to.
I explained what bipolar is capable of , (after your advice was given) and what her sad situation was in her post,…maybe you missed them.
I gave this page a cusory glance last night, as I am currently in Italy vacationing, and did not have time to read everything here.
(She usually gives more relevant advice pertaining to bipolar, and seems to admit she has it).
Yours caught my eye, as I saw it as useless to a person suffering with this illness. I know you meant well.
If I sounded angry, I wasn’t. Hope you understand that and take nothing I said too harshly.
Enjoy your evening.
Forgive me for being somewhat blunt but let me point out that you clearly need to slow down and think before you act – which is somewhat ironic given that was your criticism of me.
In your own words: you have ASSUMED – which in this case has made an ASS out of U but certainly not ME.
I do not have any of the disorders you ASSUMED I may be masking.
You have ASSUMED that Ali is female. In the single post that I replied to, there is no indication as to Ali’s gender.
Similarly you have systematically attacked every piece of advice that I gave to Ali. Your words clearly show that you have ASSUMED that you are an authority and able to speak for Ali. Or possibly you have been privvy to other sources of information where Ali has shared that he / she has issues with eating, sleeping, avoiding obsessive or negative thoughts, is unable to focus on positives, etc., … Either way, you are wrong to criticise me for things that you ASSUME or information that has not been shared with me.
“… write this down, and maybe You’ll learn something here” – you capitalised the You and yet now you want me to believe that you did not mean to attack me? Could you possibly be more arrogant or ignorant?
And the key piece about Ali’s post was that he / she is “suffocating right now” and feeling “so painfully lonely and there are no support groups in my area.” That is why my heart went out to Ali and I offered some simple positive encouragement which others in the past have responded well to and thanked me for. It was a simple act of compassion and humanity, a far cry from your reply. Interestingly, you chose to attack me rather than to try to help Ali.
Let me stress: at no point in your reply did you focus on providing a single piece of positive support for Ali. Not even once.
Interesting to note that you also admit that you “gave this page a cursory glance last night … and did not have time to read everything here” – so basically you did not take time to read or consider before you fired off your toxic reply. Again, arrogance and ignorance.
There’s a lesson for you right there, if you care to take the time to let it sink in.
Now, realising that possibly my lesson to learn is probably not to bite and just accept that you’re having some sort of episode (or just purely a nasty person who likes to unfairly have a go at people), I don’t expect you to take my reply onboard or to have the humility to apologise. That said, I would actually admire and respect you if you did – we all make mistakes and when we’re brave enough to openly acknowledge and apologise for them, we tend to earn people’s respect and trust.
Never the less, I do hope that my refusal to simply roll over and enable your behaviour will strike a chord with others that nobody, with or without a mental disorder, has the right to respond the way that you did and treat anyone else like a door-mat.
Hopefully at some stage you’ll calm down enough to realise that your behaviour was quite wrong. And maybe if you can find a way to temper your behaviour (which I acknowledge is far easier said than done) then you might find life becomes a little easier.
So now it’s MY turn to assume – I’m going to assume that you’re not your usual self so I won’t harbour a grudge against you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also going to be honest and strong enough to challenge you ad let you know that this behaviour is not acceptable.
To Natasha and everyone else: my apologies for this drama. You will note from my many past posts that I’m a supportive and positive poster and that this is the FIRST time I have had any negative feedback. But in this instance I don’t believe in enabling and letting things slide: it sets a new standard – typically a LOWER one – and I’m all about finding ways to RAISE our standards.
Back to Ali, the one who’s MOST important in all of this: Ali, I hope that my words of encouragement do help you and I hope that you realise that there IS support for you – here and elsewhere in cyberland, if not locally on your own doorstep. Please do not be put off by this debacle with Stevie Nicks – this is definitely a rare situation and one that you are not responsible for.
Keep reaching out to the people here. It may feel like you’re alone but trust me, even though each person is different, you are not the first to be going through this and until we have a miracle cure, you won’t be the last. There is a LOT of good support available for you here and you will see that others share your pain, your challenges, your hopes, fears and joys. I hope that in some way this has helped.
I hate all the time too. Mine is different though. No one gives me a chance at work. I do not talk. I just do my job. Over and over I get no where. I get a new job and it’s the same thing. I can not get a job in a field I am interested in so I keep having to toil in low paying go no where jobs. Woman have no interest in me. I don’t get any interested looks from them. When I talk to them they bring up their husband or boyfriend. I don’t go anywhere. When I do go somewhere it’s for nothing. I am out just existing. I have no friends. The people I do meet have reasons to want to know me. A ride or a smoke. I don’t like giving people anything. I am in my 30s now. My life is being wasted and nothing changes. I have changed my self over and over but it doesn’t matter. Now I’m just angry all the time. I hate other people so hard it causes me a total body experience. I have never done anything to anyone. You speak about hating for no reason. I hate because I have been hated. I want to scream but it does no good. Nothing changes. It’s a life of hell. I can not get out.
I can’t help but reply to this as it sounds just like me with the exception of one thing, I’m female….so it doesn’t solve anything by replying I just…it isn’t good really – but to know someone else in the world is going through the motions.
You’re not alone. I think most people are just weird and it isn’t us at all.
I’ve been dating a great guy who happens to have bipolar disorder for almost a year. This article was an unbelievably powerful look into how he feels. Wow. Thank you so much for your raw honesty. While I’ll never truly “get it,” I feel really empowered to understand and accommodate his moods better now that I’ve read this. I hope I can be a better girlfriend for it. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend entirely too much time reading all your archived posts! Keep writing. You are giving an incredible gift with your words. Thank you. Truly.
I just want to say thank you so much for dating someone with bipolar. It makes me have hope that I will find someone that will accept mine.
<3
Have you ever been told that all you need is anger management? My last employer told me that and I all I felt like doing is punching her in the face. She had no clue and neither do most. It’s hard to channel hatred when you are consumed by it.
Hi Nadine – was your manager aware that you’re bipolar?
You have to bear in mind that bipolar can cause dysfunctional behaviour that is totally out of line with normal acceptable social behavior.
If your manager wasn’t aware of your bipolar then you can’t fault them for taking a stab in the dark and suggesting something that might help.
The fact that you just wanted to punch them in the face just reinforces that you need help to manage your emotions.
I’m not negating your emotions. But I’m not enabling you to justify them as acceptable either.
For Nadine to discuss her health issues w/manager would be inappropriate and disrespectful to herself. She has every right to feel however much anger she feels toward her manager. You told her, “You have to bear in mind…” ; Nadine does not ‘have’ to do anything. If she were able to “bear in mind” then she would not have this illness. None of us choose the feelings that are generated by our brains when prompted by a stimulus. With an illness as serious as bipolar disorder, managing strong emotions is oftentimes physically impossible. Your suggestions may have been well intended but were not accurate for the situation.
hi Dara,
with all due respect, I disagree with your comment re. being disrespectful to herself. And I certainly wouldn’t encourage anyone to do anything of that nature.
I’m not negating that when ‘in the moment’ it’s hard to see straight. But when we calm down we need to consider the fact is that Nadine’s behaviour was clearly hostile enough that her manager felt the need to raise it with her. And so she should: it’s a manager’s role and responsibility to ensure the workplace is as pleasant as it can be for everyone in it.
The fact that Nadine is bipolar would probably go a long way to explaining the behaviour. It’s not Nadine’s ‘fault’ – she didn’t ask to be bipolar. But unfortunately she does need to find ways to manager herself. Expecting everyone else to just blindly accept her anger is probably not an option in today’s society. So she needs to gain her manager’s support.
Unless the manager is aware of the bipolar element, they cannot sympathise, possibly empathise or support Nadine.
I don’t have bipolar. But I do manage people and I do hire / fire. If I had an issue with a member of staff who displayed anger-management issues then I would definitely be bringing it up for the benefit of the rest of the team’s harmony. If that team-member responded with hostility then they’d most likely get fired. Especially if they punched me in the face. However, if that team-member explained that they were bipolar and that this was the cause then I’d look into how I could help remove some of the triggers, or at the very least, provide that person with a role / environment where it wouldn’t matter if they got angry.
I’ve seen plenty of bad in people. But I believe in the good within people. That’s why I try to be supportive and try to help wherever I can – like with one of my team-members who is recovering (and will be for the next 10-15 years) from horrendous brain-trauma due to a serious car crash in which the doctors said that if he ever came out of coma he would be a ‘vegetable’ (their term, not mine): he has anger issues (which I have to say, he manages very well now because he has learned to recognise the triggers and remove himself from the situation), he USED TO abandon a job without passing it onto a team-mate to complete in his absence if he became overwhelmed (he now knows this isn’t acceptable and doesn’t do this anymore – plus I’ve removed some of that stress from him until he’s ready to take that next step – so that he’s not setup to fail). There are better people out there than me, but even I’m able to support people when I know that they need support / understanding with something extreme that they’re dealing with. I believe that most people share this sense of compassion.
But while people can be compassionate. We also need to bear in mind that it IS OUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY to integrate with the rest of society.
Not always as easy as it sounds but that’s the challenge.
I hope that all makes sense.
Honestly i’m just crying right now, because.. for once an article, instead of telling me a list of symptoms, actually puts into words exactly how I feel. Ive been diagnosed with bipolar, but i never really believed it. I just couldn’t understand why i feel this way. Every word of it.. and its just relieving to know.. i am not the only one. i constantly try to think how a normal person should react. when i just want to explode and i do sometimes.. (okay more than sometimes.. i try:/) and some of my friends just put up with my random abusivness.. even though its over little things and i dont mean to hurt them at all. Some dont.. they leave and i can understand why. im so scared of losing the people i love.. but then that fear is what ends up driving them away.. bipolar can feel so lonely. no one understands you bc when you try to put it into words it just sounds crazy. and then you believe you are crazy. you aren’t normal.
Wow… my mouth fell to the floor when I read your article. First, I am not bipolar, but I am extremely depressed and diagnosed as so. But my husband is a diagnosed bipolar patient. And as I read your words I could see his face. My hubby hates and hates and hates until he burns a hole in the wall. I mean it’s deep routed, yet I feel that he really don’t hate, but the bipolar makes him hate. I totally get it when you say what you say. I don’t feel the manic stage of what you and my husband may feel, but I know the depressive part.
The section that really got me was when you said ” It’s a weed. It’s a soul weed. I want to grab it and rip it out. But its thorns and thistles just make me bleed instead.” I have had moments of this, but my husband lives with it. It’s almost like, he loves to be in this state, but I don’t think he does. And I think he hates that hates as well. So powerful writings. I don’t have words that explain that awe that I feel after reading this. You are right, because I am not bipolar I can’t say I know how you feel. But I do feel your words because I can see this in my husband. We have been married for 19 years and he was only diagnosed this past year. Can you imagine the distress we have been through all these years?
Thank you so much for writing. I will share this because others need to understand. Take care, stay strong. and keep writing!
Dear Natasha:
After recently experienced another seizure ( & seeing my Dr tomorrow)
I want you to know that your fab website,& you ( well,what I know about you here) …have been a wonderful,positive experience.
Given,coming from a family of perfectionists,I always felt I missed the mark…no matter what.
What a relief it is to JUST BE,instead of WHO WE FEEL WE MUST BE IN ORDER TO KEEP FAMILY,FRIENDS ,BFS
To be HONEST,I love that quality in you as I hold that VERY HIGH in admiration.
It’s also encouraged me to put a pen to paper one day myself for myself to in the hopes of improving the mental health patients & professionals….
Like you,I’ve plenty to say,good bad / indifferent.
In essence,I speak only for myself here,@ the end of the day I’m exhausted….
It’s like right now,my brain is playing ping pong,most unpleasant,I assure you.
I feel also very strongly re patients rights….unfourtunately,I’ve got a full plate at the moment…
I continue to feel very strongly against these specialists who seem,at least out here,in Ontario…
To be so trivial in regards to the highly dangerous state ( not referring at moment that I’m suicidal..) was referring more to my other just as severe illnesses like seizures…that living solo..with no one closeby…sister is 20 mins
She’d simply say call 911…..but if it became fully blown I would be incapable of doing that or if I had a seizure in my bathtub….I’ve no cell phone..I could drown & die.
I understand my sister & I have not been BFFS due to the ROLLERCOASTER,plus all the other sicknesses.
But I really have been advised by several ppl who are caring to cut off the cord…but then,no family here….
Which I’m ambivalent about.
I’m sorry,Natasha!
What was meant to be a genuine I care about you,I hope you feel better each day…I mean that no BS.
Has turned into kindergarten crazy,I’ve almost totally blacked out Fri now lucky for somewhat decipherable notes!
Pls forgive,I assume I’m scared…I’ve always detested the EEGs all that crap.
In this life,I feel everyone,with any sort of illness needs a hero.
In my life that person is you,you say what you feel,& mean what you say.
If your afraid,it doesn’t show.
Your smart as a whip,& have a wild sense of humour…because humour is,in itself a help,not a hindrance!
I always felt ( to me as I read into it) was don’t give in & don’t give up,stay educated,anything is possible,
A big one single women are fine,AS IVE SAID MY RELATIONSHIP IS W MY BEST GF MYSELF.
My world didn’t come to an end & I didn’t become an old shrivelled up prune due to my age 54
Actually,when I’m middling ( stable) like myself MORE than in my 20s…..other than my rad skinniness!
Maybe I’ve come to terms w some shit others not so much.
But I’m a huge believer in karma,& you,my guardian angel,have helped / inspired so many.
Of all of us one person should say at least maybe once a month you get a NATASHA DAY …..Do whatever you want….you’ve produced the ruby slippers….with the magic ( karma help,whatever ppl choose to call it
It’s our job to find our way….after all,there’s no place like home!
Home in Sandra speak safety stability following treatment TO BEST OF ONES ABILITY ..of course there’s still going to be stress,it’s LIFE……
BUT I’ve also seen you as my Fairy Godmum.
Though,oddly I’m likely older than you!!
Pls take GOOD CARE ALWAYS NATASHA OF YOURSELF.
We MUST LEARN to CARE for @ other….BUT NOT @ THE EXPENSE OF YOUR HEALTH.
Hugs.
Yours in Bipolarland Cyberspace …peace & Luv
I am so glad I found your website. You write so beautifully and it is such a relief to know I am not a freak and a loser. I don’t think I truly recognize my anger. I have just recently noticed it when I am walking in the city and want someone to bump me so I can start something. Which is horrible. Where did the sweet, happy girl go? I have bipolar 2 with rapid cycling and I am so angry that I have to hide it and work twice as hard to be half as “normal”. I do long distance running and it makes a huge difference. The physical discomfort blocks out the incessant chatter in my head and the endorphin rush after makes me feel so much better and like I have wrested control from the black dog for a short while. Please keep writing. You are wonderful!
Sandra:
Thank you for the support and understanding. .
Like you; I do tear up papers/shred them instead of throwing dishes (which I too have considered). On the contrary, I have also broken things out of anger. Phones: Hmm… Lost count. It is something I am working on this issue in anger management.
Take care.
Annika
Hi there,
Well then,see your TRULY not alone!
That is exactly how I felt when I first came upon our wonderful group.
I felt like a freak,that I could always write better than I spoke ( English was my my forte thru school)
But I had the dreaded perfectionistic ways ingrained upon me since very young,as the odd one in family that didn’t
attend uni…only due to a nervous collapse,not because of lack of intelligence…
The day I received the acceptance letter was probably the happiest day of my life…..but…London’s bricks came falling down….
I’m now in my 50 s & still,have moments of failure/ regret/ mostly deep rooted disappointment.
Looking back,years,though,I knew.
I wasn’t the same in many ways as other kids….the only time I felt free / accepted was,unfourtunately thru a badass crowd in early yrs of high school…though my grades were reasonably good ( amazingly) no one said a peep.
Years later,learned early yrs of work,I’d go back to hard living only to look in the mirror one day to see someone
I truly did not recognize any longer,physically or in any way….
I knew,I’d mull over at nite what’s wrong with me?
All I heard my entire life your too sensitive too aggressive too hostile…..
Well,it wasn’t all thorns.
I guess as tonite I’m in a low,it does show in my writing,I try to not apologize for this bipolar is part of me,but it is not ALL of me for I’m a sister a friend another BFF,a cat lover & owner,I have interests….
I try not let MY ILLNESS DEFINE ME.
I did not,despite seeing some top psych in Canada,receive the spot on diagnosis BUT 4 YRS AGO.
I’ve been seeing PSYCHIATRISTS SINCE ABOUT AGE 28 REGULARLY.
The diagnosis given was just about right,but I had other things going on too.
You always we as humans I think,tend to think no one feels this bad or has felt this shame,or disappointed their families or ended friendships,it’s only them that ache that hurt,that physically hurts.
I do know.
I have,besides this BP many illnesses.
But I know,@ the end of the day,I try.
Some days easier,some are hell.
So,I know I don’t profess to know the answers,but the cards we’ve been dealt with are rough.
You’ve got to learn to get a bit tough ( not in a bad sense) just to head off those hellish moods wings.
You’ve got to try & own it if something not so great occurred.
Most of all,you MUST stick to whatever treatment plan that is set for you …it is put in place to keep you as an outpatient ….educate yourself interm….the more you know about any illness the better is what I did.
If you do not have help at present,I’d consider seriously reaching towards that….YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
I believe,personally,or without some form of medication…..just writing on the board is fine for support….
But you’ve WE ALL HAVE TO RUN OUR OWN SHIP.
SLEEP IS CRUCIAL FOR MY RAPID CYCLING….EVEN CAT NAPPING…were different..but this type….
Wish you the best always, it’s exhausting disease…..
On that note…GOODNITE from Canada ….Sandra..in bipolar Cyberspace.
Hi!
I love your blog Natasha. This is a very positive and safe place for support for those of us who wake up to the reality of Bipolar Disorder each morning. Who am I? A person, like each of you, who was also born to this illness. I have Bipolar II with rapid cycling.
The anger issue really has hit home for me. It is very hard for me to talk to those who I care most about when I explode at them over such petty things. Turning into rage over stupid things in ones life is humiliating and humbling. It is hard to accept to ones self and then to let others again accept you back into their lives when they accept your apology for hurting them regardless of how mundane the act of anger was toward them/etc. Then there are times when the other person may choose not to forgive you, then hold a grudge because they do not understand the anger issues related to Bipolar Disorder. Some, otherwise, are reluctant, take time, distance themselves, come around and forgive. These are things I have experienced over the years with the anger from my Bipolar Disorder.
Right now I have been in a mixed state/cycling- and at times during the day. The anger is so enraged during these times while the lows are so yucky that I feel shame/guilt. This is normal. I have very little support in the ‘mental community’ or ‘other part of society’ due to just being able to cope.
Hi there!
Welcome to the jungle of rapid cycling!
You are not alone,
I am here with you…
Song aside I truly am.
I’ve experienced high as high & low as the black dog ….as Winston Churchill put it.
Bipolar sux.
you always,well in order to stay sort of well,you basically must adjust some things in your lifestyle while learning
Your triggers.
Yep.
Those fights are a blast,huh?
I’ve ( in my worst) broke a Apple computer,:4 cell phones,tons of dishes,& when we were together even my ex bf..
( he was toxic idiot anyway,no love lost there)
Then I tried a different strategy.
Tearing up paper instead of dishes…..trying to distract w ANYTHING before I write the verbally abusive emails…
I don’t ALWAYS succeed,but try try makes better,my family & I it was PERFECT.
It’s VERY HARD to go FR PERFECT to BETTER, but IT CAN be DONE.
To sum up,I’m free ( I’m writing some things intermittently but would be more than happy to help or be a support.
Remember,YOU are number ONE.
Yes..EVEN the worst fights,even FAMILY,if they can’t / won’t accept you for WHO you are & that YOUR TRYinG
Than that becomes THEiR issue not yours!
I know that’s a hard pill to swallow but some of the best enduring advice is just that.
Stay well,my friend.
Sandra in bipolar cyberland
Natasha:
Thank you for sharing your work. It is wonderful!
The anger is something that is so hard to explain to family. Sometimes for me it comes out of no where. It is a living nightmare. I watched my dad and other relatives go thru this same process growing up. This is such an awful illness to face every day.
The weight issue: Right there with all of you who are chatting about that. Ugh! It is like having 3 sets of clothes for the every changing meds to keep up with the mood swings!
Annika
First, let me once again tell you, that you are BRILLIANT. You write and speak from the heart so well, it shocks me. I’ve never read about this anywhere!
I appreciate every vowel & consonant that you write. You’ve made such a difference in my life, Natasha.
Not only are you informed to the letter about the things we feel, but you are so honest about your feelings, and all that you share. Thank you forever, for explaining what we aren’t able to.
I’ve made several ”friends” through the years (on line no less) that suffer with bipolar, and have lost them to finding out that they were FULL of hate and loathing! Liars, charlatans. Pure fools.
Trying to get me to believe what isn’t true or trying to hurt me. I thought we were friend but then I found out.
It was their mission to deceive and misrepresent themselves. Why?? Who wants to be like this? Who wants to be ugly inside? Don’t they know that ”ugly inside” shows on the outside? I’m ashamed to be included in their brethren, and want no part of this type of monster bipolar. Yes.. it exists. I would have never known it.
I know about bipolar hatred. And I know it’s not real. I would never feed it to a fellow bipolarian. Why would anyone of us?? We know that we’re suffering enough already. Hatred, jealousy and anger is their mission; like they thrive on it.
I HAVE felt this hate, but have NEVER delivered it, to my own. I know better and I’m accountable for my actions. It’s like telling a blind man to cross the street when there’s cars coming. Or laughing at a cancer patient.
Yes, I have taken out my anger on my spouse, but have apologised for my behavior right away. He knows what I have and understands- as much as he can. I have just sent him this article so he can see this side of my illness.
To try and explain this, is merely impossible. xoxoxoxo
When I get angry at most everything, I know the tears will come. I will listen to music that touches me to start the process. We carry a lot of hurt. Most of us play hurt everyday. It has to come out.
I’m with you there Phil! Music works for me when I am stuck in this. The worst thing about the anger for me is that it is full of self-loathing, not just anger at everyone else. I can rationalise and manage the anger at others far better than at myself. Because the grief is so overwhelming it moves to anger (partly due to the traumas which caused my bipolar to be expressed). It can be exhausting crying about it, but also an enormous relief. Self-compassion is a good anodyne for this space in my experience. Hope for a journey to wellness endures.
I am starting to feel that way too! I have always been an optimist but now I have gone the other way. really I wonder how I deal with it when I feel as though I can’t help myself anymore but I am not someone that gives up so I will keep fighting this mind fuck. if this is our cross to bear well damn it I will beat it!!
Amanda,
Reading your post just made my day! Being bipolar is like a mind fuck. I had been doing pretty well until the holidays hit, and life started to fall apart….again. But I’m pissed off enough at this that I will get up yet again and keep trying. We bipolar people don’t give ourselves enough credit for how beautifully resilient we are.
Thank you, Natasha for your blog. In the last year my husband was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and now my daughter is diagnosed with bipolar 2. Your clear writing and first hand experience helps me understand what my loved ones are going through. I often use your blog to help me make sense of our situation. Keep writing. I need it.
Natasha – yet again, I have to admire your attitude with regards acknowledging your own challenges and trying to use your own personal experiences for the benefit of others.
It’s good that you realise that the bipolar-hate is not generally a genuine / permanent hate but a temporary mood-swing that will pass.
What’s also amazing to see is that you encourage people not to indulge in the bipolar-hate, to recognise it and then deal with it / manage it by channelling energy in a positive manner. I’ve no doubt that’s a lot harder than it sounds but I think it’s essential that we all remember that we have to co-exist with our planetary flat-mates: being angry at the world doesn’t achieve that coexistence.
Keep up the good work :)
It’s like for me being on a roller coaster.up/ down
Down/ up.
Actually,in a low cycle I have to ( as we all do as humans,let alone bipolars) kinda flop,cry if need be…
Knowing it too will pass…it’s so easy to forget those few simple but powerful words…..
As during that time,the pain is so severe & I think many are dealing w losses & other wounds or unresolved business w others,loneliness,abandonment,feelings of being misunderstood hits especially hard around this time of year….
Back on topic ( excuse me)
After the rest & some clarity I didn’t feel manic even hypomanic or even cheerful…
But I did get out of bed
I did feed my cat I did make dinner….I did my Mount Everest sink full of dishes….
Hence,turning the hate& negative karma back into….doable & something’s I am proud of.
As only I know the highs of my highs & the deep dark despair of my depression cycling everyday…even w meds & therapy.
Cheers,
David…coincidentally I’ve a brother named Dave ….your in the UK?
My background is Brit.
Ciao.
Dee
I used to always be skinny to…then the meds due to so much mania……
Explained?
Women…never satisfied w our bods!!
Sandra jealous………
Where do I start?
I hate Christmas,as well..my weight,most of ALL……the fact I got a jump start @ REAL WELLNESS……..
Then……began experiencing seizures,tremors…….
COULDNT see my DR,ASKED IF I COULD QUIT.
YES.
I hate feeling hate.
I now have to go thru the guinea pig syndrome……
I hate getting out of bed
I hated that Ive had computer issues nearly all week,almost thru the damn thing off my balcony.
I hate my siblings have partners to snuggle up to I don’t.
Usually when I’m like this,I say to myself,take this put it into productivity…like do the washing,
But,I’m depressed,no energy,even to make some food…..
All I’ve done all week is dishes ( felt to smash them!!!!)
Trash down/ change my cats litter 2 x…….no social anything……..
I’m so full of hate but so want something even close,I’m desperate…to how much more stable I felt on the former med I had adverse reactions to)
I’m going to get my hair done,hate the time yuck, 9:15!!! FRIDAY 19 th
If I see skinny chicks in there I will be sick!!
( but will my hair will look fab & I’ll be poor HATE that!!!
There’s always Starbucks….ppl hate iPod listen!!!
I love that we have this hate thing in common. It makes me giggle. But please tell me, why do you hate skinny chics? I am skinny because I hate food and life. All I wish to do is die. I think if I starve, maybe my heart will give out and I can finally be gone. Please don’t hate us skinny chics, we suck too in our own way. I hate hate HATE life too even though I am trying every day to pretend that all is OK.
Hang in there and love your full figure and enjoy the food! I am jealous that anyone can put lots of food in their bodies and not become ill.
Melissa , I wish you wrote a blog! I relate to everything you said and the way you said it…the line about the orange jumpsuit is hysterical. I wish you luck with the meds. I’ve been through the no sleeping for a month after coming off seroquel which worked great for me but I cant live with the 60+ pounds it came with. Things are better now but still trying to find something that works without giving me an allergic response! In the meantime, sticking to a routine, trying to tamp down stress, and exercising is truly helpful. I’m also eating healthier, less processed foods. Fingers crossed…
Hi Maddie,
I’m in the Serouquel pickle as well….
You wanna talk weight gain?
That’s depressing in itself,after you’ve always had a fast metabolism….
I definitely agree scheduling is critical in bipolar no matter the type you’ve got.
I myself,have been told my number one best thing is sleep,plenty of it……
Even more than food,as were aware lack of sleep can start the hypomania then mania chain!
Your disciplined w excercise….
I feel paranoid after weight gain,plus soon ice tons snow will hit the area….plus I have a serious pain prob.
Can’t afford to have an accident.
Yep.
Scheduling ,super important.
Keeping stress in check as much as possible,too,esp hard holiday season.
My thoughts are when in any doubt even if you can,catch 1 hour zzzs.
Really does help aid in stability.
Thanks.
Ciao.
Sandra yours in bipolar
what I have realized, after so utter many years… when I am “feeling” up and good and all is great in the world, those triggers – i tend to just stuff down, tolerate, distract from, etc..
when I am in a mixer (especially)… those triggers, well they just snap and I snap with them…
filters are completely gone, I curse as a raunchy sailor, I feel a maddening mental itch and my head just roars and buzzes – like static at high decibel
The inner pressure builds and mounts… anger surges, tolerance completely goes and all that I’d manage to stuff and tolerate and let slide… I can no longer
I’ve had my daughter ask me why I un-leash at home and not at work? Surely, I do not verbally rant for hours on end and scream and spit salvia in raging rages at work. Surely, I do not pace maddeningly around the claims cubicle floor? Well, sometimes I do pace.
I don’t rant and rave and spit and scream, however… though internally, the boundary layer bulges and surges till near breakage.
I told her, one day… “this is my home. This is my safe space and my small space, that is my very own. It’s not me, it’s the illness.”
and I always apologize… always
I am always sorry and for the most part – I’m easy going and quiet… but when I’m in a high mixed episode – I have been known to destroy furniture and door frames with my bare hands. I never hit another, I never throw at another… it is me that claws myself near raw and bloody and destroy belongings… in rage… horrendous painful ungodly rage
I so utterly despise me… absolutely un-fit for humanity
Tabby,
Well written…
Sounds like you’ve it more together than I.
Though,I too,feel badly in time & end up apologizing as well…..
You seem to also be self aware of your triggers, & I admire your self control.
Ben- That is exactly what I was going to suggest. As I read this I was thinking – Wow- a feeling-any kind of feeling-just doesn’t happen for me – unless you count self loathing. I guess I mean any feeling focused OUTWARD. Then I wondered-if this hatred just began- could it be a transition to mania?
I couldn’t say – I fluctuate..So far have never had a wild mania – or even really admitted to one..but now I can see..I begin to feel that – Hey – I finally have my old self back – Yah – I can get back into business – lets go travel first…Yep – mania. that one lasted a few days /week .But no big drop into Depression..meds held me I guess. Natasha – Keep on hating for now – but keep in touch w your Team xo It is okay to hate me <3
Irritability and rage can often be symptoms of mania/hypomania. I know the feeling all too well.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Ben
Sarah,sounds like you have high standards as I do.
Well,just an observation ( personal) of my own illness it seems less stressful slowly reducing the standards…
Though it’s very difficult.
With me,hardest was weight & university.
Plus the fact I felt I never fit in w family..
Give yourself credit for what you can do like we all should.
Really,it’s a wonder some of of us are still standing.
Ben,
Absolutely true!
Oh AMEN!!!!!!!
The negative thoughts increase the severity of the disease,
Must abandon the negative thoughts, and focus only on the ideas entirely positive.
Yes,great idea…
But,I don’t find feasible as I’ve rapid cycling bipolar ( still sorting meds) it’s only been 4 yrs
Plus….important a host of MEDICAL PROBLEMS as well.
Not only is rapid cycling the most treatment resistant but all these meds effect@ other…..
It’d be great if it was just a matter of attitude.
But were discussing the brain & it’s effects.
I don’t see that as trivial matter.
Natasha ,
Do I ever know what you’re talking about! That blackness comes over me like a flood, and I honestly feel a sensation of drowning. I panic, and then have (for years) crawled in bed, smoked, drank, took a sedative, screamed, ate ungodly amounts of chocolate, all in an attempt to silence that darkness. When I started counting gifts, though, I was actually able to fight back the flood. I know you ‘re not into religious stuff, but I still think just counting blessings–anything good in your life , any provision– is life changing. I wrote about this in my post, http://redvinespirituality.com/fight-the-free-fall-with-thanksgiving/. I would love to connect, no God talk, I promise!
Your friend in the fight,
Taylor
I was not diagnosed with Bipolar II until I was 21 but I of course always knew I was an extremely angry person who could fly off the handle easily. I took a boxing class on a whim and it turned out to be the BEST decision ever to get out that bipolar anger.
Natasha,
I love that you’re not scared to air your feelings honestly and that you share them as a starting point for discussion. I especially admire that you do all of that in case it’s useful for others.
For me, as a non-bipolar person, I have learned more about what a bipolar person has to face through your blog than any other site. I totally get that I will never understand fully as I’m not experiencing it first hand – plus, while there are probably a heap of similarities and common patterns – I guess everyone’s experience can differ.
Your sharing has given me a whole new way of looking at things. My only regret is that I didn’t find your blog until after my fiancée ended our relationship: I could have been a far more supportive, understanding and less emotional partner with the knowledge that you and your followers have imparted.
I guess your point is (and correct me if I’m wrong): the hatred is one of those mood swings that is to be expected, treated as normal and not taken to heart too much as it’s likely to pass. Both the bipolar person and the person receiving the hatred need to recognise it for what it is: a mood that will pass and then work out the best way to manage it (rather than be swept up by it).
Thanks to all who contribute here – keep up the good work :)
David
One last comment,I know myself I’m not totally stable as yet….
So,I choose to not date until.
Even then,I know it really would take a patient strong man to be able to deal w my illness.
See,we are never all better but in recovery as I’ve been educated thus…..
I’d been in a couple relationships & not only was it too much drama for me but the guy I dated.
We aware & be careful!
Were fun in a manic state,but none of my bfs could cope w the severe depressions……
Even manic,it appears were life of the party,but after awhile we can become highly irritable even psychotic……
If I were you I’d NOT DATE us!!
Though I’m sure I may take some flak for the comment….it’s your life too……going to visit psych wards ( my bf too scared to do)
To visit someone….reality is hardcore we must save ourselves after all,you couldn’t be with your gf 24/7 all the time plus the obvious…..you don’t have the skills…though of course love….
But love alone doesn’t heal this,it’s a bandaid…
We MUST DO IT…FOR OURSELVES.
Ta.
Sandra.
hi Sandra,
Interesting comment you make around the suitability of bipolar people for relationships. I’ve posted my own thoughts on it under the “when you have to leave someone with a mental disorder” (see here https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/otherviews/leave-mental-illness/?doing_wp_cron=1419285883.3672349452972412109375#comment-118837)
Hilo David….about one comment I’d made saying don’t date us….was more of a semi sarcastic
joke…
It’s just this disease for me who lives it up down down up…I really feel the women need men vice versa in society to be ok is nonsense.
First you’ve got to really know yourself,I think,i mean it’s fab your empathetic & all…
But it’s quite difficult,to date yourself so to speak.
It’s society saying ( or mum?) you need a gf or I need a bf or I’m a weird individual= nonsense.
Many suffers of this life altering disease when in mania lash out physically or verbally or simply just drive their partners away in,yes frustration.
I guess I’ve seen too much,too many hospitals, ECT treatments still working w my DR re meds.
It hurts the ones that love you to see you in such pain,they feel helpless..some..blame themselves..
Think you mentioned something to that effect….
Pls don’t.
It’s putting more negativity on you,you deserve to be happy too.
I’ve had many relationships,to be honest,none have worked past 2 yrs……..
But I guess I’m a bit different as I see the pain in my sisters eyes today as a fact after I saw her aft seeing the psychiatrist…I told her not to touch me,tears in both our eyes….I said that not cos I don’t care…
Cause I feel like I’m a burden right now Christmas is living hell for me the more she tried to hug the more the floodgates of tears opened ( embarrassing)
I see ( haven’t seen him few years as he lives a 3 hour drive away) when he does come,my younger brothers pain as well….
They feel helpless,so I feel part of the reason they aren’t coming is because of my illness raising it’s ugly head…if he rings I’ll cry……
I’m not being negative,just realistic this is how it plays out….
There’s much guilt / shame as a female in mania…you cannot be trusted ( I sure can’t) round lots of other men & be necessarily faithful to your bf…..
Again,has nothing to do w you personally,but men….sure take it that way,walk out…or go do vice versa.
Love isn’t like Gone With The Wind or total bliss…
I’m sure ( remember it takes 2 to make it really work) there will be many others entering your life…
I’m simply trying to tell you like it is for bipolars,not for sympathy or even empathy…just maybe more education….in case you say,do find another bird,you’ll kinda understand more..
Ps never feel it’s all on your shoulders,we,though sick,must own our errs & go to our Drs take our meds &
Personally following a daily schedule is a life safer….
No one can screw up your life unless you give them the power to do so.
Today is today,have hope…sometimes the most unlikely meetings will happen.
I believe if it’s meant to be,it will.
Ciao,
Sandra
Maybe the mood would pass more quickly if you didn’t try to deny that it is real, that you really do hate – that it is you that hates, not your illness. There is nothing wrong with hating. It is a response of your being to your experience, as inexplicable as it may be at any point. Emotion is fluid. It is you and it is yours but if you accept it as such it is a process you go through and not an immutable part of who you are. None of us are anything permanently. We are joy and sorrow and hatred and fear according to where we are in the process of our life.
But deny something, fail to accept it, fail to be honest about it being you, feel guilty about something which is unchosen and thus not a genuine reason for guilt, and you will fixate on it and perpetuate it.
Hi Natasha,
Try and see God in everyone and everything. Then only love is experienced.
Blessings,
Ian
As someone who suffers from chronic depression I can easily relate to this. My extreme rage/irritability makes me wonder if I might be on the bipolar spectrum. Since I have been on a combination of antidepressants and a mood stabilizer I haven’t had any periods of rage but just irritability when driving/ shopping. Avoiding extra stimulation seems to be helpful.
I’d say your diagnosis of yourself sounds pretty spot on.
No need to suffer however…
I really had to give this one some thought. Overall, I hate the fact that I am not really able to live up to my full potential…or it has been extremely difficult. I hate that I am not able to hold a steady job, struggle with intimacy, hide the fact that I actually have these issues, and need so much alone time. I see my friends and acquaintances float by in life and accomplish so much where I have to work twice as hard to keep up. All in all, I have the same if not more than them as far as education goes but yet, I am just unable to really make anything of myself. I know I have disappointed my family, but most of all I have disappointed myself. I think I hate myself more than anything or anyone. I am glad that I am actually able to take in the beauty of the world around me, many things and people give me pleasure in life and for that I am thankful.
Sarah,sounds like you have high standards as I do.
Well,just an observation ( personal) of my own illness it seems less stressful slowly reducing the standards…
Though it’s very difficult.
With me,hardest was weight & university.
Plus the fact I felt I never fit in w family..
Give yourself credit for what you can do like we all should.
Really,it’s a wonder some of of us are still standing.
Ah, yep. Well said.
Entitled to ones opinions,2 sides to a pancake
Have a nice day
Well, I know very well this feeling. I then feel the urge to indult everyone and anything. Its a painful hatred, because, as you said, its not real. I don’t want to have that. Physical activity does not help. I thrn tend to hurt myself. Doing art can help, but thrn I have to deal with people don’t getting it and being scared by. Its just shit!
So, when you feel like hating, just hate me. I do understand. Hate me toroughly, I’ll hate you back until we see sunshine again.
Hateful hugs
Diana
Very well said N,
I especially feel this negativity/hate when I am around cheerful people. Recently I was with a small group of people, they were all seeing the beauty of the x-mas lights and such, but my insides were screaming to say, “BAH HUMBUG, I HATE Christmas, I HATE lights, I Hate hate hate EVERYTHING!” Instead, I left the conversation asap and took a brisk walk. My insides were boiling! This feeling is not an enjoyable one for sure. As an introverted kind of person (really a hermit), I’ve noticed that when I am around people too much, I get into this hate mode. Finding time to be alone is so very important to this system.
I’d like to hear what others do to turn these hate feelings around. I don’t LIKE being like this, but it happens all too often. Thank you for this post, I had no idea this was all a part of mental illness. Or is it just a part of being human.
I really think that everything we feel is being scrutinized by Big Pharm to make everyone think they need a pill to reduce our feelings. You have anxiety? Here, take a Xanax. You feel sad, take a Zoloft. You feel this, take . . . etc.
I know some of the meds work for a lot of people, but they have never been good for me. The side effects were brutal.
It is this hate for everything that makes me want to end my life all too often. I WANT to like things, I WANT to enjoy people, places and things, but I don’t. Period. I live my life faking it. I am sick of faking. But today, I choose not end my life because it would hurt some people who do truly care about me and that makes me even more angry!
Hi Dee
Hopefully I can answer your question how to handle this prob.
Well,I tear up plenty of) paper…or I do after some alone time & rest ( crucial,absolute)
I’ll try do ANYTHING PHYSICAL….even just a pile of dishes..
Then @ least I can say I’ve turned some of the hate / negativity the other way…
Which feels good..
Or work on my writing important to me…
Play w my sweet cat…
Or if I find I just can’t do the physical,I go in the zone…SLEEP….very healing..
Guaranteed to give some help.
Or I blast music,or quiet music..
Love songs depress I hate them so more classic rock….
Or so long as I’m not violent feeling reaserch stuff online…so much out there to explore!!!!
Hope these tips help…
Lastly there’s aeromatherapy oils for relaxation,then chill…..
Good luck…
Best wishes always,
Sandra
Dee
Grans Lavendar bath!
Chilling back to the human race…
Ciao
Sandra
Xx
OMG that is too funny Sandracobban,
Yesterday, after a hard physical therapy session, my gf insisted I try out her new tub with jets. She filled it with salts and told me to stay in there for a minimum of 20 minutes. By the time I was done in there, I felt likes I’d melted like chocolate in the nice warm sun and was laying on a cloud in heaven. This morning I still feel melted and my rear-end’s been glued to the chair since I got out of bed. Thankfully it is Saturday and I don’t have to go anywhere! I will got to the store and check out the grands lavender for next time.
Thank you!
D
PS, I still hate the holidaze though, just not so adamantly. ;)
Dee
Wow! Awesome,ice cream…
Chilling back to the human race…
Instructions before re entering outside: have gf treat you like a baby ( no worries women get this)
You’ll be clean & fresh ready TO FACE the Christmas & THE REST OF HOLIDAY CRAPPOLA!
Ciao.
Yours in Bipolar,Sandra
Sandra,
Yes, I get it! Being babied is really nice! Seldom happens. OMG I was craving “i-ceam” yesterday! I do not usually eat stuff like that but once in awhile it’s so good!. Especially all of the Trader Joe’s Ice creams! They are to die for! Love LOVE the vanilla and the seasonal eggnog.
GF is now considering fixing the hot tub cuz she sees how much it relaxed me. I think my tongue tires her out; anything to shut me up sometimes! haha! She’s good to me some times. :)
Thanks for all the suggestions! There are never enough ideas to try! I still feel like a wet spaghetti noodle this morning.
D
Wow big guy you sure sound better today how awesomeness!
A Sandraword…
Listen most ladies love to pamper their bfs…
Try milkshakes put some meat on your bones,gradually you’ll likely find getting bit hungrier…
Nothing like a nice long back massage w an oil ( go to a health food shop maybe ask what would be homeopathic & healing)
I used to wanna be a Dr.. Yep …
That will relax you…
Watch funny stuff online short of ludicricous.
For Gods sake…Smile….Life’s too short…
Wishing you well Dee.
So happy for you,as when you help someone you also help yourself… Which in essence was my dream that didn’t come true..
Meh
Yours in bipolar
Sandra
Sandra,
Haha, my gf is truly just a gf, nothing romantic. totally platonic. I am a strait woman. however, we are very close. friends for over 30 years. yes I do feel better today even if it is dreary outside.
thanks for your support. Think I may head up to TJ’s for i-ceam and wrap gifts. ugh. i still hate the holidays but think I can deal with it better . . . at least for today.
Sandra; a serious thank you. Hope your day is a sweet as you are. Anyone who can change my cranky ass is a miracle worker! Dr~~ pfft, you rank higher :)
Dee
OMG….I’m ultra embarrassed now like Rudolph the reindeer…
But,to the point,thanks so much,means a lot to me…
You sound pretty sweet & kind yourself…
Hopefully ( I’ve had iPad issues) you received the nutritional info I sent to you so you won’t be so skinny.
In actual fact if your that skinny will effect your moods ( there’s proof online on reputable sites)
Any hoo
Drop me a line if you didn’t get it I’ll re send it.
I know you’ll find it extremely helpful & adaptable!
Ciao.
Yours in bipolar,
Thnx for your kind words,not enough kindness these days!
Wish you and all us BP peeps could all live close by so we could all hang out. Wouldn’t that be fun! I’m in the northwest corner of the USA. Where are you?
I know what I should eat, I just don’t. I am healthy, kinda sorta. OK I’m fooling myself. :P Old habits die hard.
This is a very sad time of year. I’m trying not to be sad. I miss everyone I loved and who are dead and the ones who won’t talk to me anymore because I screwed up or something.
Have a great weekend Rudolf. :) Chics of all shapes and sizes rock! The bigger you are the more of you to love! Who the hell wants to huge a bony mess! Not sexy sept in pictures with air brushing. Don’t get me started on THAT! :)
Have a happy Solstice!
D
Hey hey my my rock n roll will never die….
Sandra here.
A bipolar party? Interesting CHICKLET…..wonder who’d get tanked who’d be sober,I’d be sober as a judge…booze & I don’t mix not even one drink…..nope…I get very aggressive violent then suicidal,plus dislike it…
I live in CANADA,w British South African & Scottish roots….so I was brought up not Classic CANADIAN but BRIT.
I totally get where your at,possum.
Re losses …I’ve lost both parents round Christmas,+ my sweet Yorkshire terrier ( fab doggies) highly intelligent,
My first psych since we moved to Kingston,( part of Ontario) of 25 yrs …& my first kitten…all since moving here!
Bad karma!!
I don’t believe you ever get over loss…kinda just process it differently in your mind…
I’m scared I’ll cry my eyes out,yup I get the not meaning to but doing…pushing friends (????) siblings away.
But I get that,they fear bipolar due to un education…even my sister w a MA in psychology doesn’t THOUGH SHES sure SHE DOES…screaming rows…I’ve held the phone 1 foot away she’s screaming then I do…I get a violent migraine…sheesh..
I’ve got a shitload of baggage, OMG…not pretty….very dark.
I’m lucky my brain still works,some days great,others feels like it’s shot w novocaine!
I never liked parties unless I was experienced…if you get the code lingo…
But I was young & a wild thing.
Even now,my hair came out by the way Pam Anderson blonde!
I love long hair,kinda new age hippy dippy no trippy ( yawn yrs ago)
Once dated a 36 yr old guy…..he had no prob w the age,but we met in the not so great place to meet someone….
( hospital!)
Age is just a number…sorry back on topix
Loss & Christmas…my sister & her husband are only family that live here,the rest live in BIG CITY OF Toronto,ONTARIO…
Even Christmas music still starts the floodgates opening…my psychiatrist said never fear my feelings…kinda dumb
When you rapid cycle!!!
It’s the family rituals think many of us miss too ….become ingrained into our consciousness.
I never go to my sisters ….
I don’t feel comfortable there,& miss Pumpkin my cat…
Plus weirdly I can only zz in my own bed…
I always cry…I ,like you,want to like Christmas,like my sister does,but I was closer to Dad & mum…( she’d left home,I’m younger)
So,though part of my brain sees my sisters point it’s only one day…I see the hurt in her eyes…I’ve not been there in yrs ( due to a breakdown occurring in her home 3:00 am….she took me to hospital my bro in law was mad as a hornet)
At least you (?) have your friend.
I’ve nobody…..an empty loft & my cat….& plenty of tears…
At least I don’t cut anymore,but you would sure hear me wailing like a small abandoned frightened child……..
Ps
I feel I don’t have the right,as I hate the holidays sissy loves them,to ruin our already ambivalent relationship.
If my brother calls I’ll cry,I hate crying…I feel worse + migraine….
Excuse my depressive thoughts,last thing I want is ruin your more upbeat mood.
Thanks for all your kindness,Dee…I’m kinda not used to it…ex from family……I really appreciate every word.
Sleep tite
Sandra
Xx
This is the shits..
I had a major falling out w a BFF ( 30+ yrs since high school)
I’m so full of Christmas hate hate about arranging scripts for holidays,can’t even eat.
So I decided to suck it up & email this person…well,my my.
I wasn’t sure what to expect,but yup the oh I’m so much better ( w/ out you & your shit in my life,& my new friends saying how strong I am etc I did yrs…amazing how ppl develop Alzheimer’s disease so young…….hmmmm..
Great new life,sticking the knife in as hard as they can ( after I confessed about the severe depression,having to go
Off an antidepressant that worked having seizures………
Ouch…maybe a thorn in my arse.
This is typical,like males or females…..
Hell,I’m really shell shocked.
I’ve come to the analysis in general,I don’t really even like people,as everyone I ever met wants something from me….so aft awhile you don’t trust…I guess a form of hate…
This drivel is simply that…not even fit for kindergarten reading.
Hang out alone.
Trust no one
Badass B.
There is a tendency to use bipolar an excuse or a crutch.I have to remember that I’m still responsible for my actions.
First of all..recently diagnosed…still trying to reach a therapeutic level of medication…3rd round. Spent 14 days in november without any sleep…yeah it was one of the medications but I hung in hoping….how completely craptastic. That being said, my doc and I are working at the anger thing. I have removed myself from most situations that made me act out but to be honest..I would rather just punch some of these people in the throat. This is really hard for me because I can count on my hands how many times I have acted out in anger. Now it seems my brain just wants me to be in an orange jumpsuit. I try not to dwell but between the crazy mania, the not moving an inch depression and the want to hurt people….I am getting really tired of trying. Then I go back to the fact that it takes time to sort out medication and things will get better…but my swings are catastrophic. Good news I am sleeping now, YEAH no more hallucinations! But I think the anti pshychotic they put me on is only helping with the sleep….still swinging…still angry. I am encouraged when I read your articles and blogs though….sometimes I feel all alone with this but then you write a snippet that helps just when I need it. Thanks.