Last time I talked about applying logic to bipolar emotions. This is helpful, in part, because bipolar emotions are often overreactions to a given situation.
And when we look at these reactions, the emotions, thoughts and actions involved form a chain. I call this the emotional chain. And this chain drives bipolar reactions both mentally and physically. But what is an emotional chain and how can be break it when need be?
The Emotional Chain and Bipolar Reactions
Everyone experiences emotional chains. Emotions do not exist in a vacuum. You do not have an experience and then a single emotion and that’s it. No, your experience drives emotions, which drives thoughts and other emotions, and eventually actions. This is totally normal. And, admittedly, most people don’t pay all that much attention because their emotional chains are what we call “normal,” (or something like it). They have an average emotional and active response to external stimuli.
(This is not to suggest that many people would not benefit from paying attention – many people would. But I’m not talking to them at the moment.)
So a typical, daily, emotional chain might be as simple as something like this:
- You go to Starbucks.
- The barista ignores you and helps other people.
- You feel hurt and anxious.
- This hurt makes you feel bad about yourself and more anxious.
- Your anxiety and feelings of low self-worth disallow you to correct the barista.
- You leave Starbucks without coffee.
- You beat yourself up about letting your anxiety win.
- You start to feel like you’re lesser than other people who you just know would have done better.
- You spiral downward and start to feel unlovable.
- Depression starts.
Obviously this chain isn’t logical and isn’t reasonable. There’s no reason why one person’s, likely honest, mistake should cause you to act and feel in such a way. But it happens. That’s just the way chains work. And the sicker we are the more illogical our chains tend to be.
(Of course, your reaction to being ignored by a barista might be to scream and rip a strip off of her, but that’s another chain altogether.)
The important thing to realize is that chains can start from major or minor life events. It usually easier to see it when it happens due to a major event, such as, say, a death, but emotional chains happen all day long and sometimes chains can be started by an errant thought and not even an event.
You Can (and Need to) Break Even Overwhelming Emotional Chains
Each step in the emotional chain amplifies what happened in the previous step. So, it’s easier to break the emotional chain early than it is to break it later. It’s much easier to say, “Oh, I’m feeling anxious because of being ignored. That’s okay but I don’t have to act on it,” than it is to talk yourself out of a whole depression or feelings of worthlessness. Don’t get me wrong, you can break the chain at any point, but earlier is better.
As I said last week, you can use your logical self to beat back these types of irrational chains. It’s how I do it and it’s a lifesaving coping skill. Why is it lifesaving? Because it can prevent the moods that lead to self-harm and suicide, that’s why.
Breaking the Emotional Chain and Changing Bipolar Reactions
As I said, it’s easier to break an emotional change at the beginning. So, exactly when you start to feel something, ask yourself why? What are the implications? What is your brain doing right at that minute?
In the above example, that would be step three. You start to feel hurt and anxious. Consider, why are you feeling that way? Is that a reasonable way to feel? Are you overreacting? Is your bipolar in play? What do those feelings make you want to do? Is that reasonable?
Because it’s perfectly okay to feel those feelings, it’s just not the greatest thing to allow them to control you. It’s best if you break that chain and say to yourself, “I know I feel hurt and anxious right now. That’s okay. I know that it’s not personal. I know that it’s my disease. I can still be assertive enough to deal with this situation.“
But it’s Impossible to Break my Bipolar Emotional Chains!
After my last post about dealing with overwhelming bipolar emotions with logic, some people complained that it was too hard to do. And breaking emotional chains is no walk in the part either.
But neither are impossible.
As I said last time. I do these things. And if I can do them, surely you can too. Surely I’m not so special that I can perform miracles. Surely these are just skills. And anyone can learn a skill.
I never said it was easy. But I did say it was possible.
I Failed – I Can’t Break my Bipolar Emotional Chains
That’s okay. I never said it would go perfectly on your first time (or second time, or third time…) out. It’s a skill. Skills take practice. You shouldn’t beat yourself up just because you’re not a natural. Remember, I’ve had years and years of practice at this stuff. Nobody picks it up overnight.
And besides, I would suggest by practicing it at all – you have won because you’ve started watching and thinking about your own emotion and thought processes. You’ve started to notice your chains. And that’s the first step in learning to break them.
And in saying all of that, sometimes no coping skill, this one included, works. Sometimes the bipolar gets us no matter how good we are with chain-breaking and logic-using. It’s the disease. Sometimes it’s stronger than us. Sometimes it overwhelms us. That’s okay. That’s part of battling with a very strong foe. Sometime the foe gains the upper hand.
So try the skill out, use it when you can, and congratulate yourself no matter how far you get. You’re working at it. And that’s perfect.
I nip it in the bud and don’t let most emotions develop into advisories. Humor is a good way out, but sarcasm is more fun because it makes me laugh. If I have to be an AH in other’s eyes why not enjoy it. The message of this response is to protect yourself even at the cost of others (not recommended for everyone every time). Use your head.
Sorry Natasha, I have to partly disagree again. There is of course some truth to what you describe and how these vicious chain reactions work, but depending on your life story and experiences the Starbucks scenario you described can seem perfectly reasonable and logical. Some of us have had psychological problems for many years and we may have cognitive deficits or personality quirks that many people are too narrowminded to accept, sometimes even our own family or relatives. Rejection has been all too often present for many of us and therefore it is logical according to such experiences to be pessimistic or anxious or beat yourself up. It takes more than just self talk to change your general outlook on life if you have a mental illness like bipolar, we may need help to heal and I think that is pretty much something therapists are for. Also I agree to some extent with Pierre about some things inside us that can be triggered are on an unconscious level (sorry Pierre, unconscious and not subconscious is the correct psychoanalytical term) and we might have inner conflicts that even though unconscious stress us out and make our symptoms worse. Medication is usually needed with bipolar but it does not always solve all complex issues so therapy might be needed as well I think.
I wish I had read this post a few days ago before my most recent emotional chain unleashed itself in an ugly way.
Once I´ve created a “connection” with someone and they begin to decrease the level of intensity or frequency of their communications with me, I start to obsess. Any change in the dynamic makes me anxious and as I feel that the person in slipping away (which is typically not), I panic.
In this particular situation, up until this week the person had been very understanding about what he calls my “impatience”, and would take the time to talk me down.
But two days ago I went off the deep end, and just started to write uncontrollably trying to get this attention.
Nicely, desperately, and finally in a very mean fashion.
The trigger was that he´d say he´d get back to me and never would, and wouldn´t answer me.
Of course after my rantings he did circle back only to say goodbye.
That was my wake up call that I had screwed up.
I sent a message apologizing and reminding him of my “condition” but I´m not really expecting an answer.
He himself suffers from depression, and he´s been working on claiming space for himself, so I doubt that he´s in any frame of mind to put up with my issues right now.
It saddens me, that I wasn´t able to rationalize anything and just went ahead and screwed up.
Today I´m reading your blog as a means to be able to forgive myself and not let this episode drag me down, regardless of the outcome.
It might just be the last I hear from him, or not. But I have to stop obsessing and just let the dust settle.
Easier said than done.
Thanks for having this site.
It has helped me today.
I agree with breaking the emotional chain early by asking the question WHY… but then when you said “this is my bipolar emotions acting up” – that is true to an extent but it’s really caused by a trigger from your subconscious mind, which will have roots in the past. So it’s important to start with the root of the problem which is the trigger. and trying figure out WHY it causes a negative emotion which can escalate into an emotional chain. Everything that happens in our outside world which causes an emotion is merely reflecting something in our inner world based on past experiences. If you become anxious when being ignored, this could very well be likely a similar scenario from your up bringing, perhaps you were the middle child and felt left out, or the quiet one at school who was under estimated by your peers. It could be anything really. But the important thing is to look at the trigger and try to understand it more, and learn to accept and let go of it. See it for what it is. If you just label it as a “bipolar emotion” you’re basically just beating yourself over the head saying ” this emotion is happening because I’m mentally ill” The truth is closer to: I feel this way because I have a wound from the past, that I have not dealt, accepted or let go of yet.
And if you think about, if you’re get upset for being ignored, it is almost child like. Because you’re allowing yourself to be affected by other peoples attention. And as an adult, only you are responsible for how you feel – you don’t need anyone to shape how you feel in the moment. So it clearly is an inner child wound which is the trigger. It has become an illness as an adult because you’ve been living with this wound for so long and have let it almost control your life by effecting your emotion, and now your ego has to constantly work at suppressing it. Which is just a viscous cycle.
If you want to break it down further, look at the situation that you’re in, and try look at the bigger picture. You’re in queue with a bunch of people getting coffee. Perhaps the person serving is new, they don’t know whats going on, so don’t feel bad if they ignore you. Or look at how strange the concept of a queue is… it’s a man made concept. Notice how people are so quiet and don’t speak to each other in queue – a queue is a strange thing. Look how silly we get waiting too long in a queue – how people become frustrated even angry. Look at the bigger picture. Stop thinking what others might be thinking about you… rise above it… , make it smaller and laugh at it. Change the anxious feeling into humor. Human beings aren’t meant to stand in queues after all. It’s just a product of consumerism. Don’t let if affect your mood. See it for what is. And remind yourself, only I am responsible for how I feel in the moment. If you keep saying, this is happening because I’m sick.. That is extremely negative. How exactly do you become healthy by reminding yourself you’re ill. The key here is understand the emotional trigger and also looking at the bigger picture. Just like your mind can make something small into a huge deal, so can you also take a situation and make it smaller, by looking at the bigger picture. Rise above it!
Natasha, I love your blog, and as a fellow bipolar blogger, I so appreciate your honesty. I wish that I could have addressed this subject so eloquently in my blog. Today I feel so many irrational emotions because of two situations that occurred today, and your message gives me hope that perhaps I can deal with them successfully. I’m feeling kind of crushed and hopeless at the moment, but maybe I can turn it around. Keep up the good work.
Sorry Natasha but I think you argument is all over the place and doesn’t really get to any particular pt. Not to put you down, as I do the same quite often and maybe It’s just me but i can’t follow your line at all. I don’t see what you are trying to say at all. Seems you assumption and conclusions are not lined up and don’t follow each other.
Great article!
My in-depth post may sound like criticism of logic as a tool. I don’t mean it that way. It’s a terrifically useful tool, and the key to coping with this disease is to have a bunch of useful tools in our toolboxes.
I have tended in the past to box myself further into the downward spiral with “logic.” (note the quotes)
I assume I’m not the only one in the world who sometimes has that problem, so I’ve noted some tools/skills that work for me at breaking the emotional chains. I agree wholeheartedly that breaking the chain earlier in the process is easier than later.
It improves with practice, folks, so if it feels like it’s “too hard,” try to break the chain anyway, and try out different skills and strategies. The more you practice, the better you’ll get over time at recognizing the chain earlier in the process and dealing with it.
So, instead of saying to yourself, “Damn. I’ve been obsessing over this for an hour. I’m horrible at this emotional chain thing!”
Replace that thought with something like this: “Hey, I caught myself. I’ve noticed I’m in a painful thought loop. It’s good that I noticed. I’ll catch it even sooner next time.”
Okay, it is not literally true that the very next time you’ll become aware of your painful thought loop sooner. However, what _is_ true is that this skill of catching yourself and getting yourself out of the loop improves with practice, so _odds are_ that next time you’ll catch yourself sooner and get out easier. And it is a certainty that if you choose to practice becoming aware of painful thought loops and getting out of them, you WILL get much, much better at it over time.
You’ll have better days and worse days, but as someone once said about learning to play the flute: “You rarely hear of practice making people worse.”
My problem with using logic is that my type 2 bipolar distorts my perceptions when my meds are “off.” Since my med needs shift with the seasonal light levels and other bio things, sometimes I have a trend towards a mood (usually low) despite cognitive stuff.
If I ask myself if there are logical reasons for my self-criticism, etc., when my mood is not euthymic, I’m really good at finding _plenty_ of reasons that seem to make a whole lot of sense. When I interact with people and my mood is low, I am more likely to interpret their actions as motivated by hostility towards me (“They did that just to piss me off!”) when they aren’t.
The problem with compensating for that is that not everybody’s going to like you (no matter who you are) and sometimes people who don’t like you will do annoying stuff purposely to communicate, “Go away.” Not everybody we have to interact with in life is good at verbalizing what they want or don’t want. So if something _is_ motivated by hostility, it can become a real problem if you just always assume the best of people.
I found this out the hard way. But for _short term_ management of people interactions, assuming someone’s behavior has absolutely nothing to do with me and is about their own stuff is the safest bet I know.
There’s really no substitute for euthymia for making sound judgments about reality.
Instead, because I know my perceptions are impaired when my mood is low, or high, when I notice that I’m not on an even, euthymic keel, my “logic” chain breaker is, “My mood is out of whack. This is a bad time to make any major decisions or assessments. I’ll make a note to self and think about this again when I’m euthymic.”
Also, one of my favorite emotional chain breakers isn’t about logic but about function. (If logic works for you, great, yay, go logic.) One thing that works for me is: “I’m beating myself up. I don’t have to do that.”
My working principle when I’m not euthymic is, “I don’t know if this judgment makes logical sense or not. Right now, I’m not in a position to be able to know. I don’t absolutely have to think about this right now, it can wait.”
I took the DBT classes and I highly recommend them to anyone with a mood problem. Learning the skills will put a lot of tools in your toolbox. That’s a great thing, because when my usual “go to” skills don’t help, I have a bunch of other things I can try.
Another good one for me is practicing observing simple facts without making judgments. My philosophy on it is that judgment–good judgment– is absolutely necessary in life, but it is self-destructive for me to spend too much of my time in a “judgment” mindset. There are times when I have to make a judgment to decide between alternatives. If I’m starting to feel bad, I ask myself if it’s absolutely necessary for me to be in “judging” mode right at that moment. Is there a decision I have to make right then that requires that I judge? If there’s not, I look around the room at objects and start (mentally) verbalizing facts about them—size, shape, color, what the item is, what it’s made of.
Orienting on facts gets me out of a judging mental loop and makes it easier not to judge myself.
Judging _other people_ puts me in a mindset where I’m more likely to judge myself, destructively. So if I’m having a problem and I notice I’m judging someone else, my mental riff is, “Whatever that situation with [other person] is or isn’t, this state of mind makes me vulnerable. It is not of earth-shattering importance that I think about [person] and their stuff right now.” Then, cue the naming objects and re-focusing on facts drill.
If I’m deciding whether to date someone, or have them as a roommate, or hire them, or work for them, sure, then I need to apply judgment. If the situation doesn’t _require_ judgment, then it’s best for me to think about something else.
But really, my “go to” skill is: “I’m beating myself up. I don’t have to do that.” Then if it’s hard to stop, I do a short mindfulness exercise—which for me acts like wiping my brain with windex and paper towels.
Sometimes I have to repeat that sequence several times to get my own inner judging voice to shut up. Sometimes it doesn’t work and I have to pick another skill out of the toolbox.
I think we forget that it is bipolar AFFECTIVE disorder. We get greatly affected by the actions of people and the world around us. That is what makes us so reactive. It is natural reaction to such a strong feeling. If we can learn to examine the emotions and moderate them we can also lessen the reactions.
Ah yes the emotional chains… Thank you for sharing some great advice!
I am struggling a lot with this at the moment. I need to learn how to step back from my thoughts enough as they occur to actually realise how unreasonable they are.
Easier said than done but something I am working on!
I found this so incredibly helpful, especially on the heels of your last blog post. To have it laid out this clearly brought it home for me. I have been half-heartedly attempting these strategies and did a lot better with them when I had a therapist to call me on my crap. Lately I have found myself incredibly irritable and downright angry over “stupid” things – in other words, I’m pretty far down the chain. I DO think these strategies are workable, especially when you are in a better part of the cycle, and not in a full blown mania or depression. And maybe using these strategies will help prevent a drastic downward or upward spiral. Either way, I’m glad to read it and thank you for putting the time into it.
Thank you for this article. What a practical way to perceive emotions! I’m thankful you posted this . I have been bipolar for a while and this is great advice.
Thanks so much for sharing this, I can really relate to everything you say in the article and in my own way have been attempting the same coping strategy but just have never put words to it like this. It’s so helpful for it to be spelled out like this and “confirmed” in such a way.
Hmm. I have had many emotional chains which usually come from dwelling on stuff which took place a while ago, and usually with people I know socially, not those in the service industry who I appreciate have hectic jobs. That’s just me though, and I share more than enough elements of BP in other respects. Just goes to show how everyone reacts differently, just some more ‘out of the norm’ than others.
I’m so glad I found your blog. It’s so good to not feel alone.
The last couple weeks, in my brilliance of bright ideas and right decision making, I started going off my meds because I was so over the side effects and thought I could “mind over matter it”. Yup. Bad idea and not brilliant. The last month I slid down the slope of hell and the last two weeks I’ve been IN hell. But that’s not the reason I’m commenting but it backs up what I’m going to say. Starting back on my meds the last week and a half and my thought life taking on some sort of control I find that trying to break the chain early is really beneficial to my well being and it can be done. But, for me, I have to be on my meds or it’s just not gonna happen. Breaking the chain brings me a lot less anxiousness which, I fear will put me 6 feet under someday. And if I can somehow control that…well bring it on, baby! I know for me, when I’m well, I can have better control over thought life and can break the chain easier than when I”m sick. When I’m sick the thoughts have a mind of their own and seem to own me. That’s where the fight for me is. Keeping those thoughts behind the barrier I’ve set in my mind and don’t let them cross into obsessive crazies. Sometimes that’s so incredibly hard. Sometimes it’s just easier to just let it go. But the outcome is awful. That’s what keeps me fighting and building up that wall that those thoughts must stay behind. Some days I’m stronger than others. Great tools you’ve shared.
I’m still on my way up to wellness so I hope this comment makes some sense? ;0)