In the world of chronic illness there is a concept of “caregiver fatigue.” This is where caregivers of people with chronic illness get burned out because they just spend so much time and effort caring for another person. This is a real thing and a real problem.
I would suggest there is also such as thing as “bipolar treatment fatigue.” Bipolar treatment fatigue is when a patient with bipolar disorder becomes burned out because of all the time and effort it takes to fight the bipolar disorder. I think this is a real thing and a real problem.
I’m Too Tired to Fight Bipolar Disorder
I wrote an article entitled I’m Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder. This is a pretty popular article because a lot of people do feel too tired to continue fighting this merciless and ceaseless disease. I talk to people who feel this bipolar treatment fatigue all the time and what they say to me is that often they are thinking of taking their lives because they just don’t have the energy within them to keep fighting the bipolar disorder every day.
I understand.
The Fatigue that Comes with Treating Bipolar Disorder
Because bipolar treatment truly is exhausting. If you haven’t spent the last decade-and-a-half fighting bipolar disorder, let me clue you in: for many of us, fighting bipolar disorder is an every second of every minute of every hour of every day of your life kind-of-a-thing. Dealing with bipolar disorder is not something that stops when you leave your doctor’s office or when you take your pills. Truly treating bipolar disorder means using coping skills and being on guard for the problems of bipolar disorder every moment of forever. And this is beyond tiring. This is beyond fatiguing. This is soul-suckingly, bone-crushingly exhausting. It feels like you can’t move your pinky finger because bipolar has sucked all of the life out of you some days.
Believe me, I get this. I have felt bipolar treatment fatigue more times than I care to recall.
We Should Expect Bipolar Treatment Fatigue
And I think we should expect this sort of chronic illness treatment fatigue. Anyone who puts out extreme effort to deal with anything every minute of their lives would be tired. It’s natural. Much like it’s natural for caregivers to need a break, it’s also natural for people with bipolar disorder to crave a break from all the effort required in treatment.
Dealing with Bipolar Treatment Fatigue
As I said, when I talk to people with bipolar treatment fatigue they are often considering taking their own lives because of it. I think it’s important to tell these people that what they’re feeling is real and a real problem but that bipolar treatment fatigue doesn’t last forever. Caregivers often get respite, in one way or another, to recharge their batteries but then they go back to their caregiving role. It might not be easy, but people certainly do it every day.
And so must we. True, there is no real “respite” from bipolar disorder. We can never outrun or hide from our miswired brains – there is no doubt about that. But there is such a thing as taking a break from the endless effort required to manage at the top of your game. There is such a thing as just allowing yourself to be. Maybe you take a break from therapy for a week. Maybe you take a break from your psychiatrist for a month. Maybe you don’t make any medication changes for a while. Maybe you don’t put any additional pressure on yourself to “act normal” for a while. Maybe you stop consuming endless educational material about bipolar disorder for a bit. We can give ourselves breaks and try to recharge our own batteries so we can take up the bipolar fight again.
When You Feel Bipolar Treatment Fatigue
So when you feel bipolar treatment fatigue try to remember that it’s normal. It’s a part of being chronically ill and it really does come with the icky territory. But it isn’t a reason to end your life. It’s a reason to change your life. Because no one can fight every single moment of their lives. It’s not reasonable to expect that and it’s just not possible. But you can fight what you can, when you can, and give yourself a break the rest of the time. Because you’re in this for the long haul – pace yourself and treat yourself gently. You deserve it. Don’t worry, the bipolar isn’t going anywhere and nor are the treatment options. They will all be there when you get back.
Really enjoyed this well-written article.
Yes I’d love to hear from my friends who are bipolar. Sending love.
Before I opened my eyes, my thoughts of fear & dread regarding how I would live into my elder years. Led to me taking some extra meds to try to squelch these thoughts. Of course I fell back asleep, but I really needed the meds to help me get rid of the suicidal thoughts I was having. And then tried to get it together to start new day. Let’s try to clean, dusting, putting things away, tidy up, do laundry, heaven forbid sweeping and washing the floors. Add straightening the kitchen, washing days (and days) of piled dishes, clearing off the piles on my kitchen table, putting groceries away, hanging up & folding table the clothes… these are all the things I used to coast through how many individual times today have I had to remind my slow aching self that I’m bipolar? That I’m really ok. As I slowly move along, I’ll finish what I can. I’ll continue to tell myself I’m ok. It can wait till tomorrow. I’m just sick. I’m doing the very best I can. And I’m doing a pretty good job.
Has anyone ever had extreme physical fatigue to the point of needing support walking? I’m looking at a bipolar diagnosis but my fatigue gets so extreme after a “manic” that I physically can’t walk without sticks and struggle to do normal things like life cutlery…has anyone experienced things like this in relation to bipolar?
I am completely befuddled..still shocked that I stumbled onto a site that collectively describes ME out of a desperate need for answers and/or understanding. I turn 30 come January 2016. And as a male, talking openly about this is almost taboo..freaking impossible for me atleast. Throughout the years I have battled in silence for my every breath amidst an unsupportive family and/or indifferent & misinformed society to absolutely no avail. I remember feeling what I’ve come to understand is Bipolar disorder/ chronic depression since I was 6 yrs old. Before I was even capable of properly communicating my feelings..I already recognized the fact that I was different. I’ve had a few in-patient stays at psych wards & etc. since my late teens & the resident psychologist always diagnosed me as Bipolar/ Chronic Depressive. I’m not sure if those combined findings are considered an official diagnosis or not, but my history tells me they hit the nail square on the head. I’ve experienced it all! Social anxiety, hopelessness, racing thoughts, suicidal ideation & frequent attemps, exhaustion…alternative remedies for resolve ( for example: AA, reading, journaling, etc.) but nothing ever sticks. I can’t seem to hold down a job, maintain any relationships, or ANYTHING ELSE REASONABLY productive because of this stupid illness. I have had to battle this BP throughout chronic homelessness too..many times. I am no longer fighting…I am shattered once again. Lying on a bare wood floor inside a closet of a military friends home in complete & utter darkness. I no longer have the will in me to do this anymore.. I mean, after a year+ of actively fighting this war in my head and finally gaining substantial ground (finding & maintaining employment, living in my 1st apartment, joining AA successfully maintaining sobriety & a support group, trying meds & talk therapy) all it took was for work to slow down during one month to jeaprodise all I’ve worked for.. for me to fall flat & lose everything, everyone, & the me I came to know in the process. I vacated my apt. Due to the work shortage i wasn’t able to pay my rent..my job was part-time to begin with. Now I’m lost in a parasitic & parylizing illness no one else seems to understand or relate to. A place I’ve come to know as “my dark friend”. I’m so so so unbelievably tired…hopeless..defeated. My friend here already lost faith in me. As have I. Fighting this alone for this long has added irrepairable damage and I don’t know what to do.. not completely sure i want to do anything seeing as how my best efforts led me here!! In a homeless bottomless pit of misery & destruction.. I don’t neccessarily want to die physically…but spiritually I’m beyond there. So what’s the point? The highs are fleeting & the lows are extremely crippling, long lasting, & cruel. In a lonesome lifeless existance, death represents a long awaited symbol of peace for me. That seems to be my only viable option…thx 4 listening.
aKOSHA… yes, this disease is tortuous but I believe you have to find stable housing and some kind of employment. Do you have local community resources that you can avail yourself of to get the help you need? Ar you under a doctors care? I know help is hard to find especially when one has very limited means and the stigma is terrible towards people like us. but there must be an agency out ther that can help. In America they have an organization called NAMI with offices all over the country. Maybe ther is one near you. I wish you peace. Its hard to come by but maybe in a stable environment you can be helped.
I am so sorry for your pain and struggles. Hang in there. Life gets better.
I have been “sick and tired of being sick and tired” for over 20 years!
I have yet to find a Doctor that can hear me say “All this effort is wearing me out!”; they all seem to hear is “I am being resistant to therapy!”
Between meds, CBT, talk-therapy and endless workshops and groups, there are days where dealing with my symptoms are the ONLY thing I have going on during daylight hours!
Your message of being kind to yourself is not lost on me. I take ‘breaks’ from the rat-race on those occasions where care for my condition seems to be taking over my life. Not when I am trouble, mind you, just when groups become a substitute for actually living.
I have bipolar type II, long depressive periods with manic flare-ups. They are considering “bipolar depression” as a refinement to my diagnosis.
Sucks to be me, except when it doesn’t!
I have been recently diagnosed with BP – most likely to be rapid cycling. I have been undiagnosed for years and BP was suspected. I’m now 24 and have been dealing for 15 years not knowing what was wrong. Now I know, everything is on hyperdrive…This post resonated with me now very much after I had a breakdown at my work. I have been as a new BP trying to understand my rythms and get to know my own emotions but they just feel so far out of my control, and I’m so much more tired now chasing them with a magnifying glass than I did just letting them be. I know the difference is being alive in future and there is a possibility of feeling well and managing… But it is bone shatteringly exhausting right now. Not only do I have to itemise what happens to my body and when and think about why, there is a strict almost totalitarian sleep and pills regime that leaves me feeling increasingly angry and irritated, and impacts on the creativity I need to do any work at all as an illustrator. I’m feeling like I need a break desperately. But how do you escape yourself???
Hello, I have been living with bipiolar since the age of 12. Living with this illness is such a lonely journey. Even the people you care most for eventually become tied of the ups and downs. Eventually my responds to the world is I am fine there is no problem. Some days I can even fool myself. I suffer from depression every 5 months and it last for a good 3 to 4 months. So for half the year I just feel crap. I have intentially not informed any of my employers that I have bipolar because I no how judgmental people are. One thing that keeps me going is my daughter who is 7 years old. Living with this illness is the hardest saddest road anyone could ever travel.
R
(A first time responder to a blog) Wow…as I sat here on my lounge reading that I nearly started to well up…that is so how I have recently been feeling. Although not suicidal, I feel since the age of 14 to now (I will be 40 this year) that it has all gotten so hard to manage and with no relief or end in sight. Every year I will get my 4-5 months of a depressive low with anxiety and all of those other textbook symptoms….I AM SICK OF IT…if medication really helped me why would I still be going through these textbook yearly cycles? My theory with my higher cycles are if I am not losing any business clients or losing relationships or embarrassing myself or my kids then surely my higher periods are ok…I use to be embarrassed by my higher times in a depressive phase but I like to think I have a lot more control these days and don’t feel that embarrassment. I think I am coming toward the end of my 5 month depressive phase (damn that is a long time).
I irregularly see my psych…once ish every two years…I saw him a few more times in this down phase…given I just can’t see myself wasting 4-5 months a year on being depressed I suggested ECT to start on this next year when the inevitable will happen again….this concept freaks me out completely and I am not sure if I have the balls to follow-through. I have read the research but am still not sure. I would love to get some feedback if this really helps someone with Bipolar depression. But then I think, why the hell not….what has really worked over the last 26 years…nothing really…I run a successful small business, I have three lovely teenage kids, I have a supportive girlfriend and I have wealth….I should be grateful that I have these things but this all means completely nothing when you are in that horrible dark side…it just completely consumes me…it is what I think about all day… I contemplate of the next lot of increased energy I will experience…what new ideas will I come up with? What new business ideas will I have? Will I do another musical (yeah – I auditioned for a musical) and ended up with the lead role and it went really well, however I did this at a calculative time at the end of a depressive phase as there was no way I could have committed to something like that during a down period?
I operate on 2.5 on a higher period and get so much done but conversely operate on 0.2 and just struggle to get through my day. My last high period 5-6 months I was able to do some major house renovations, make a lot of money through business and do that musical….that can’t be all that bad….would I give those higher periods away to not have to deal with those depressive days HELL YEAH…. But that isn’t the cards we have been dealt with I guess….but there has to be more of an answer…I am lost and don’t know where to head or what to turn to get more of a handle on this…do I go to a support group? Do I research more on the web? Do I try and play the change the medication game? Do I just sulk my depressive phase away and then be thankful of my successes in my other side?
I really do want some more help from somewhere or something and am willing to explore whatever? Happy for any comments
the 22 different meds and cocktails of meds over the past 25 years have not helped AT ALL. i still had the bi-polar symptoms + side effects and damage done by harsh drugs. the doctors would not hear me when i said this doesn’t work. they make more money when you take the drugs. i’ve been off drugs now for 6 months and i look at the people that have abandoned me ect. they are obese, old , unemployed, divorced, drunks. and they turned me away because i have a mental illness. i can feel better about myself and this horrible illness i’m suffering from just by looking at them and seeing the things they are choosing to do to themselves. what do we call the mental illness of the 60 year old people who are obese and get drunk regularly and laugh at each other? it seems pretty pathetic to me. i can feel better knowing i’m in good physical shape and i choose not to drink alcohol and act stupid. i will just take care of myself by myself i guess. i’d rather have this mental illness then be a slovenly alcoholic
I’ve often thought about giving up on medication completely mainly out of frustration because of all the nasty side effects (and the known/unknown long term effects) and trying a more holistic approach until I read about the bipolar kindling theory. Each of my manic episodes was precipitated by a very stressful life event. Once the stressful event past and the medication brought me back down to base level I would stop it altogether and I would be fine again for many many years after until the next stressful life event occurred. It was like my brain had become conditioned to respond that way to extreme stress, sort like a person with bulimia’s whose body becomes conditioned to purge involuntarily at times, especially during periods of extreme stress.
Learning to deal with stress more effectively and develop better coping skills I think would go a long way and be much safer than being overmedicated and feeling so tired and lethargic all the time but that’s just me
Hi just found the site this morning. I have bipolar 1 and suffer from constant fatigue which has taken over my life now I just want to sleep all the time and everyone thinks you are just lazy. I am now in discussion with my psychiatrist about stopping my medication. Any advice on this.Lynda
I just want to write something here because I like this site and I want to keep in touch and read what other people are saying about this dreaded disease.
I find the stigma worse than the disease and have decided to opt out of many social engagements because I know I will probably say or do something horrendous. I have said and done a lot of weird things in my life, and can really see why people avoid me. The worst thing has been the rejection I have had from the church I went to for five years. I just kept going back until I realized that nobody ever stopped to have a conversation with me, some people actually ran, yes ran , passed me so that they could avoid getting something nasty I suppose. When I finally realized that people got up from their seats when I sat next to them I chucked the whole thing in.
On top of this, I was to meet a church ‘friend’ for lunch, and she didn’t turn up. I just kept waiting and waiting, nothing. Not even a phone call. I have thought of so many ways I could retaliate, but finally realized that it is her problem not mine.
Thanks once again, Natasha. Great article.
Hi Maureen,
I so get what you’re saying! While I have not been ostracized as you have written of, I have developed a real fear of socializing, to the point where I don’t socialize. That foot in mouth disease has ruined so many things for me. Even worse, I think I was ok at the event to only realize down the road what I said or did and how it affected everyone around me. I know some people do avoid me and I can’t really blame them.
Fortunately for me I do have some close friends and family (some can only tolerate me for short periods) that accept me as I am, mistakes and all. Recently I have found a few new friends who seem to enjoy my company, they’re comment is often “Oh, you’re not half as bad as so, and so. They have bipolars within their family and it seems to give them more tolerance lol
You might try taking a class or two, I am taking one at the moment that has really helped me understand myself. Like finally realizing why I never go to dinner with people, simple fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. At least I know why now :)
Take care!
I have spent the last decade trying different meds, modes of therapy, alternative therapies to no good end. I have bipolar I and PTSD. After all the effort, my life has been worse in the last ten years than in the first 30. I don’t miss mania, I miss having a life. I have had plenty of wreckage, but 95% has been since meds. I wish I never started meds. The difference is so much, that my doctor recently consented to help me wean off meds, lithium first. I am not against meds, they have just destroyed my life. I don’t know what will happen, but I feel hopeful for the first time in years.
Deidre, I feel very hopeful for you because you have been so diligent in your recovery. (Actually, I hate the word ‘recovery’ because you never actually recover from Bipolar because it is a cyclical disorder). While I am at it, I hate all these coping skills we are supposed to learn about. I try to get to bed and get up at the same time, eat healthy meals regularly, take walks, etc. etc, but how do you summon up your coping skills when things go really awry? Once, I had a fire and a flood in my house in one week, and a stupid nurse told me to use my coping skills! Am I supposed to let the house burn down and think of all the green leafy veggies I had for dinner, or let my house swim in water while I stop and think about the walk I should have taken that morning? Oh, well, I am trying to forgive all those folks who have no idea what we are going through day in and day out. As for fatigue, I slept 15 hours yesterday then couldn’t get to sleep until 4 am. this morning. Today, I am ranting and raving. Got to keep a sense of humor, don’t you think?
This is a great site. Glad I found it. I was really interested in being without meds. I have Bipolar 1 and
anxiety and panic attacks. How does one just stop taking the meds?
Hi, I have a 30 who was recently diagnosed with BP. He thinks he is God, he constantly eats and has no limits or self control of food, etc. He has been ill for a year and a half and refuses to believe he is sick. He has been hospitalized twice. One time for stopping to eat, drink and interact for 6 days, just lying around. The other time for for overdosing on Excederin. He sleeps for long periods of time, expresses that he is tired of his path, refuses to do any work whatsoever. He won’t brush his teeth. He threw away his eye glasses because he believes he doesn’t need them. He has put on so much weight that he has gone from size large to a triple x. He believes everything relates to suffering. Doing laundry is suffering, washing a dish is suffering, brushing teeth, etc., so he refuses to do any of it. I cannot get him to understand that he has a problem because he believes it is everyone else. He thinks I am delusional. If he could get a hold of alcohol, etc., he would be game. I am very worried about him because he refuses to take meds. and he frequently mentions that he is tired of his path, which is changing the world, and is ready to quit. I would appreciate some advice.
I really enjoy your perspective. I just started a blog of my own and would like you to follow it hopefully we can help each other out :)
http://bipolarbearg13.blogspot.com/
I was blown away by this fantastic article. I even found myself smiling! I have had bipolar 1 and anxiety for 40 years and have tried all the meds. I have had therapy for 13 years which has been very helpful, and so has trying to stick to a healthy life style. But the thing that upsets me more than anything else is that i am permanently tired. I sleep for hours and hours yet don’t feel depressed in other ways. I have chided myself for years, and blamed myself for being lazy, but can now see that it is the bipolar that saps my energy. I am now 67 and look back on my life and wonder why I have been totally unable to finish anything or do anything of note. Everybody tells me how talented i am, but i have no energy to paint or write or anything. I am continually asked why i don’t do this or that, and I know i could do a lot of meaningful things if I was well, but now I have decided to give myself a break and do whatever I can. I am no longer striving to meet other people’s goals, it is enough that i get through a day without total chaos.
I wish others luck and don’t be hard on yourselves. Praise yourself for every little thing you accomplish in a day.
I’ve always been down; I use to be able to hide it but I can’t anymore. I tried to get help when I was younger but they just laughed in my face so I turned to other things and lifestyles that was a waste of time. I always run everything through my head 24/7, even when I’m not doing anything, I feel like I never have a moment where I can relax or be at peace. I can’t get medical help because I’m afraid of losing my job and position…so I feel like I just wallow away. Nobody I meet understands me, everyone I’ve ever cared for just always ends up leaving me at some point. I wanna always start for a better change but it never happens. I’m really thankful for everything I have and don’t know what I’d do if I lost it all…I’m just empty inside. I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about how I really feel. I think I’m a really good person and can go on to help a lot of people if given the right chances. I just want a true friend someone I can help too. Shoot me a text I guess…please don’t be a dick. 8317470525. I want to help everyone in the world one day. I want to heal. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, I’ve just been through a lot and I’m tired of things going to shit I want happy memories to love and be loved. The emails a fake please text, just something encouraging at least would be nice. I’ve gone through too much hard times and I just want to for once take control of my life and…be happy on the inside and out :)
I have been fighting bipolar every day for the last 16 years, and now and then, even when I’m “normal”, I have had times when I felt burnt out and exhausted. My favourite refrain is I need a vacation! Having a term for something that I knew was there but couldn’t quite put a finger on is very reassuring.
This so often feels like a battle already lost. The depressive part of me hates the idea of doing the things that my therapist suggests. I’m so tired of trying to live up to others’ expectations and heaven forbid if i put on the plastic face of being normal, it’s like everyone forgets. No one knows what is constantly churning and hurting inside. Thank you for this article.
It’s so nice to see that I’m not suffering alone in this. Most days I feel isolated and feel like nobody gets it. It is exhausting to fight against this condition and up until a few weeks ago I hadn’t been diagnosed. I thought there was just something wrong with me that I could control but eventually I had a light bulb moment and realized that this is bigger than I am and I can’t redirect my racing thoughts or control my extreme moods no matter how hard I try. I was only hurting myself further. Thank God I finally sought help and received a diagnosis because I felt like I was going crazy. I recently started medication and hope that in a few weeks I’ll experience some relief from the depression and mixed episodes. I agree with the statements above that fighting against it only makes it worse. So true. I have finally accepted it without shame and work hard with medication, therapy and self-care to be a better version of myself. I just have to take it one day at a time. Although it’s awful that anyone suffers from this, it is comforting to know that I’m not so alone because in this small town it’s very easy to feel that way. Because of my extreme moods and reckless behavior prior to my diagnosis I burned many bridges and struggled to have relationships with other people and many times I chose to isolate myself because I felt like such a freak and didn’t want to be around others for fear of what I might say or do. I’m hoping this Lamictal will save my life.
Thank you for this great article. I just discovered your website a few minutes ago and will be coming back to read many more articles. My daughter has Bipolar I, age 30, on the manic side, and now because of your article I “get” why she will just go lay down and rest on her bed a few times a day, when it seems to me (she lives with me) that her days haven’t been strenuous. It’s her mental illness that is so mentally wearing on her. It is exhausting. I see that now. She is so appreciative to being able to do this. Thanks for explaining what it feels like and my compassion has increased with this knowledge.
If I were you go and learn to be a doctor than give bull crap to people like me as just been told I have bipolar is a word only I have issues with work not herd to get me depressed in other words it put bipolar give up your site is misleading people who need real doctors opinions as you are not one or are you .
Darin, I am sorry to see you join our ranks, it’s terrifying, scary, and confusing when first diagnosed, my heart goes out to you. This is not a space from a doctor, but a space for those of us in these ranks to console, find a little understanding and support each other. Reading this blog has helped me find words for what I feel at times. It’s a place so say “WOW, someone understands how hard this is”.
There are many places to find medical reasons for how your feeling and many places to find medication that can help with this disorder.
Again, my heart goes out to you, I was there, terrified, lonely, and heartbroken that this happened to me. Hang in there, it does get better
I read on your profile you say you are a “professional crazy person” I hope you don’t go around saying bipolar people are crazy. Crazy has soooo many bad connotations-I would said that is obvious. I personally would take offense to someone calling bipolar people crazy. I won’t tell you what to call yourself, but I encourage you to not call others that.
I know that this is slightly unrelated, but finding an article blogpost or anything about this seems impossible. I have been married for 3 yrs now to a man who I believe is bipolar. Like99.999999% sure. Runs in his family heavily, he has the very manic episodes followed by the severe depression. My problem comes from the fatigue me and him both feel over trying to find a diagnosis. We have been to 5-6 doctors just in the past few yrs alone. Not to mention that he has been trying to find help for his illness since he was 7 yrs old. The last psych he saw told him that he was just a bad person and that he’d end up in prison. Now he gets angry when I even try to mention going to see a new doctor. It is immensely frustrating for both of us, and takes its toll on every aspect of our lives, especially financially as he can’t hold a job for more than a week. How are we supposed to cope if we can’t even find the help he needs? And how are we supposed to make the doctor care enough to treat him?? Has anyone had a similar prob or have any sort of solution? I don’t want to live like this forever and I know he doesn’t. It is starting to really effect his health and mine.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 manic episode unspecified. I just started meds 3 days ago. I very much agree with the feeling of fatigue with this disease and coping with life. Can anyone help me understand my diagnosis ? I have attempted to research and how this relates to my experiences. I’m a little confused.
Those words are new to me, but the feeling is not. When I have been sticking to my treatment plan for a while, keeping a regular sleep schedule, spending more time alone than with others, not drinking coffee, and eating frequently, there comes a time when I want to stay up talking all night, go to that party, drink that double espresso, eat only when I fel like it, and write until dawn. Sometimes I wish my mental state was outside my control. If so, I would worry a lot less about it.
I am searching for blogs on being a bipolar Christian. I appreciate the sharing you are doing on this blog. I recently started my own blog on my experiences at http://www.julielwhitehead.wordpress.com. Feel free to drop by and take a look!
Brilliant! I am so touched by this blog. So glad I found you sisters and brothers…And then again, like in a real family, different remedies for different people. Time out from my war against bipolar can be an hour on the couch, just dreaming or reading. It can be time with friends or family. Although I keep experiencing that I need a lot of time by myself :-) time out for me can also be time during work, especially when the work is challenging. It then sometimes happen to me that after an hour or so of this “flow” state, I think “hey, I haven ‘t thought about my bipolar in the last 60 minutes!” and I can really appreciate that.
Then one of my fave escapes is listeni g to music, especially by Sting (who just might happen to have bipolar traits, too) and my beloved Suzanne Vega. She understands so much about life and emotions and the soul in general.
Hi Natasha-
I am happy to have found your blog when doing a google search. I suffer from bipolar disorder and in my most recent episode of a few days ago experienced this very same phenomenon. I was just tired of fighting this battle over and over. I will definitely be following your blog now and know it will be helpful.
I also blog- it is poetry I have written during my highs and lows. Mostly raw stuff, and I don’t have much readership right now, but I would love for you or some readers to take a look.
It is at: http://www.glory-story.blogspot.com
Cheers,
Marc
What about bipolar friendship/support fatigue? I have bipolar 2, while a close friend of mine has bipolar 1. I see a psychiatrist for my meds, she gets her meds prescribed by her internist. She refuses to see a psychiatrist citing that her ex-husband stole him from her, or she can’t find one that takes her insurance; nor does she receive any therapy. She takes SO MANY prescription drugs for not just bipolar treatment, but chronic pain, anxiety, ADHD, thyroid, and insomnia, to name a few. All these meds have dangerous interactions with each other; she shakes terribly, slurs her words, can’t focus her thoughts, loses her balance, and to top it off, she is smoking pot round the clock. She is self medicating.
I have watched her spiral out of control, listened to her suicidal ideations, and rushed to her home when I receive suicidal texts. I finally got the name of her internist and and pleaded with him to call her, citing all of my concerns. She then sent me nine of the most vile texts I have ever received in my life, lambasted me on social media, and basically told me to go @#$k myself.
I love my friend, dearly, and I know that this is not HER, it is her illness, but I cannot deal with it any longer. I have sent her links to support groups in her area, told her to call her insurance co. to help find a psychiatrist, and listened and listened and listened. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me, while I am trying to care for my 2 children alone, and also manage my own illness.
I need a break from this relationship. She’s now sending emails apologizing for her “evil texts” ( her words, not mine ), and leaving voice messages which are unintelligible. As long as she refuses to get help, I feel that I need to step away from this volatile situation, for my own self preservation.
Is this so wrong; am I being unreasonable?
Dear Alto,
It is commendable that you are not only trying to manage your own illness, raising two children but on top of that trying to be help a friend out.
That being said, ultimately don’t forget that taking care of yourself first should be a priority. You can only help others after you help yourself. So if you find your stability being shaken by a relationship, its ok to back off a bit. This would not be selfish of you at all and don’t judge yourself too harshly for not being there all the time. We can only try our best to help ourselves and others.
Take care :)
Very well said, Natasha. I’ve experienced this too. We work hard day after day to function normally no matter how we feel. Everyone has a different threshold, but eventually we could burn out if we don’t rest sometimes. My Pdoc knows I’m relentlessly hard on myself and recently his Rx was “take one day off to do nothing every week even if you’re doing well so you don’t burn out.”
Good Post.
During college, before the war, family and many other situations I wrote a poem about
the condition my condition was in:
All the things we were, we are
So Little does time change,
To make us into what we’re not
Oh God rearrange.
I used to suffer from bipolar disorder, and for a longer time from endogenous depression. What I found is that these conditions get worse if you fight against them. It is important not to give in to them. For instance, if I felt depressed it would not help to stay in bed. And if I was manic it would not help to go without sleep. It is important to do the things which will help, which of course includes taking any prescribed medication as directed.
But this isn’t fighting against it. It is accepting it, and riding with it, without giving in to it.
If we try to exercise control over our thoughts or emotions then we will increase the incidence and severity of those thoughts and emotions we fear.
I came to recognise that feeling depressed wasn’t going to kill me. I might kill myself as a way of, essentially, fighting against the depression, i.e. refusing to accept it, but the pain of depression itself would not kill me. What increases depression is the worry that we have to do something about it. Fighting against depression won’t make us feel any less depressed. Better to tell ourselves it is a terribly unpleasant feeling which won’t kill us and which we have to live with until it goes away, I think this makes it go away faster. For me, thoughts about being depressed and the need to find a way out of it were the substance of the depression itself. Those thoughts were what was keeping me from gaining any joy from other people or the world around me.
What I found with mood swings is that they lessened as I worried about them less. Mania is essentially the mind’s attempt to escape from facing something, but the weird thoughts and strong emotions released can be healing if we learn not to fear them and learn how to let them out in ways which don’t cause us remorse. If we give distress to others during a manic episode we may end up feeling guilty about it and that will be a major contributor to our resultant depression. Mania is like a bucking bronco. Riding it out safely means finding the right balance between letting it have its head and reigning it in. If we try too hard to control the horse – to fight against it rather than working with it – it will buck more savagely and certainly throw us. And, hopefully, in time, as our mood swings settle and drain less of our energy, we will find ourselves able to face whatever our mania is an escape from.
Of course, I acknowledge that, while this was my experience, my illness may have been radically different from that of others who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and also that I have been very lucky to have the freedom to experiment since I don’t have family members depending on me or a stressful job.
Dear Joe Blow,
I have found that each one of us has their own way of dealing with being bipolar, and we often use similar words but with our own meaning attached to them. I don’t consider myself a bipolar “thriver” or “survivor”. I am bipolar, AND I am a fighter. I fight it every day, every hour, every minute, and doing so has empowered me. I would never consider the depression as simply an unpleasant feeling which won’t kill me and just have to live with until it goes away. Depression can kill me. And even in the darkest throes of it, there is always a part of me that fights it. It took me a long time to accept that this illness was going to be with me for the rest of my life. When I did, I chose to be proactive, rather than passive. We all handle it differently, but when I read that line it made me sad. I choose to fight, and am stronger because of it. I genuinely wish you good luck over the course of your illness.
I just pass on what I’ve learned. Whether it will work for someone else I can’t know. What I do know its that I’ve taken this approach and have experienced no depression or disruptive highs for several years.
Wow! I never had a name for this feeling, thanks! I knew that I needed to stop, recharge but never thought of why.
My recharge is time alone to just let the brain run, or the sadness envelope me for a bit, and I mean a bit, an hour of solitaire just letting my brain be seems to help.
I have also found that doing something special for myself also helps, the constant struggle financially is a load that sometime’s I just can’t bear. So allow myself a couple dollars to spend even when it means not paying the total amount on the bill.
I also have found weekends or days away from home help, when someone else is in charge of all the things about life, ..groceries, lights, travel, just a little time away from my own problems seems to help, even though they’re still here when I get back.
What do you guys do to recharge?
Thanks:)
Beautifully written Natasha
I’m with you on all of this, Natasha, except for the “give yourself a break” bit. I don’t believe you can *ever* take a break. At least in my case, I feel that would probably lead to an in-patient stay, or perhaps suicide.
I think James has hinted at the real answer when he mentioned “repetition.” If you find strategies that work (or at least work sometimes) then it’s important that they become habitual behaviours.
In the years following my diagnosis, whilst struggling with the many years of medication trials and errors, I received some helpful counselling and some training on the sort of “thought control” principles contained in Cognitive Based Training and Dialectical Behaviour Training. I sort of re-trained my thinking and made a habit of the new patterns, and it’s helped to deal with my bipolar, and to preempt some of the worst symptoms.
But I still try to never really let up. When I do, it has led to days or weeks of instability and anguish.
great article, but along with BP and cycling most days twice I also have serious depression and anxiety. I would like to take a break from those two, also. I truly dont know how.
Good point,
Never really thought about the toll it takes on me fighting so hard to be positive and not behave through the natural inclination to “react”.
I have found that repetition is the key. The disorder is always there. But the routine makes it much easier to manage. I’m still medication free. No amount of meds have ever helped me. I have found that effort on my part is the only thing that really helps.
Eating healthy and quality of sleep is paramount in managing this disorder. Eat a clean dieat. Fruits and vegetables. Less heavy foods, low carbs, low animal fats and protein. More beans, nuts and leafy green vegetables.
There is alot to this, great topic for discussion. I look forward to more input on people’s experience with this.