I so often feel like I can’t do anything because of depression. Look at the top photo. That is my life. I have had that objet cluttered and dusty for maybe years. It’s just one of the things in my apartment that I look at and see as failure. I see that I can’t do anything. I see that I can’t even clean up a small amount of clutter – clutter that can be found in so many corners of my apartment and life. Depression makes it so that I can’t do anything. However, while I feel this quite strongly, it may not, in fact, be entirely true.
What Can’t I Do Because of Depression?
What can’t I do? Oh, mostly the normal stuff that people take for granted. And going beyond that? What a crazy notion that is.
So when it comes time to do anything, I just can’t. Off and on this means:
- I can’t cook for myself.
- I can’t make important phone calls / send important emails.
- I can’t clean.
- I can’t finish painting the walls of my apartment (this is a big one).
- I can’t take a shower.
- I can’t leave the apartment.
And so on and so on and so on. When I say I can’t do anything because of depression, I mean anything and everything. And as I look around my apartment and I see evidence of not being able to do things, I just see failure. Failure everywhere.
Why Can’t I Do Anything Because of Depression?
I’ve talked about this before. All my energy goes into work so I can make a living but then I have none left for me. If you’re familiar with the Spoon Theory, you’ll know what I mean when I say I just run out of spoons.
You only have a set amount of energy and motivation when you wake up in the morning and I don’t have enough. This means I wear out long before the day is done. I wear out miles before the finish line. Of all the things I want to do in a day, I only get half done. And, of course, this means that the undone things get transferred to the next day. But the next day has its own needs. And so, the list of things I need to do is endless and impossible. Because I can’t do all these things, I feel like I can’t do anything.
It is because of depression symptoms that I can’t do these things but depression also makes me feel worse about it because it clings to negative emotions like that of failure.
But Can I Really Do Things in Spite of Depression?
I tend to discount all the things I do at work, as they are simply the price of admission. I need to work. So I work. This is a simple concept that I have had throughout my life.
I do myself credit for the number of hours I put in. I hate small numbers and like bigger ones. I’m not sure if that’s a way of feeling satisfied when things are better or that’s a way of beating myself up when things aren’t good enough.
But I do it. I should get credit for that.
And I admit it, all those things on the list above, I just can’t do because of depression. Don’t get me wrong, on occasion I might so some of those things, but it’s rare.
But, are there things I really can do in spite of depression? Yes, there are.
- I bought a couch, arranged to get rid of my old one (with the help of a friend) and cleaned before the new couch arrived.
- I take care of my cats – every day all day.
- I do even what I hate – like videos. (Not enough of them, of course, but I do my best. My latest one is here and my HealthyPlace playlist is here.)
- I vacuumed my carpet two weekends in a row. (This is a big deal for me.)
So even though I look around and see failure, if I can just take off the depression glasses for a moment, I should be able to look around and see wins as well. This is very hard to do as depression glasses are heavy and sticky, but occasionally I get a glimpse.
Credit for Doing Anything with Depression
As I said, there are wins here. But I ignore them. I take them for granted because I know that other people can do them easily and I feel bad about how hard I have to work to get them done. The idea that “I can’t do anything” because of the things I can’t do always rattles around in my brain instead of saying “I can do some things.” I know this is the wrong way of looking at it, but depression is so very convincing.
I Challenge You If You Think You Can’t Do Anything Because of Depression
So I give you and myself a challenge: Can you focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t? Can you give yourself credit for the little things you do? Can you treat yourself gently and forgive yourself for having a disability? Can you not judge yourself for not being able to do what other people do?
I hope you can. I hope I can.
Image by Flickr user Steven Depolo.
wow! i thought i was the only one. All my energies go to the work place, Sometimes i plan what im going to do when i get home but the minute i arriveim just overwhelmed with so many senseless things in my head. i plan on laundry i either take the whole day or never finish. the bedroom room has been upside down for days. cook for long hours coz i cant seem to be focused into what i am doing. i thank God for my 1st born daughter who sometimes can help with household,
DEPRESSION IS REAL
finding out im not the only one who so desperately want to do something but physically Cant, not because I’m lazy but because i feel trapped in my body as if it has more control than i do….. It gives me hope at least i can believe im not the onlyone in the world who is PARALYZED in there own thoughts and body….. I found god and he will break the chains….
I really appreciated reading that. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 1 since I was 20 years old. I’m now 30, married with no kids, have a professional job, and own my own house. Life is anything but easy though. I’ve been hospitalized twice, gone through many episodes of mania and long seasons of depression. I’m in a depressed season right now. I have had to take a lot of time off work, and the inability of being to do anything is where I have recently been. I’m back to work now and trying to normalize things as well as I can. I’m feeling like I can’t do simple assignments as well as I should be able to, and I know I need to “be kind” to myself, for we have an illness, and it’s not a personal failure. Your description of that helped. Thanks for your writing.
I can relate to what you’re saying and what you feel. When I’m in the dregs of depression it is an internal and external battle to get anything done. But if I can accomplish even the littlest things, it takes some of the guilt away. I tell myself, “I can do one small thing.” Then I choose something ridiculously small like taking yesterday’s newspaper out to the garage (my husband will put the papers in the trash.) I’ll tell myself, “I can dust the glass on top of my entertainment center”. Its such a little thing and the only effort it takes is to stand up and move the cloth around but it feels monumental when depressed. But I manage to do it. Each little thing I manage to do is a win. So I’ll do this several times a day, forcing myself to do a couple of little things that take very little effort The feeling of accomplishment gives me a boost to get a few larger, necessary things done, like preparing a very simple meal. Playing these head games with myself over the years has helped me learn to cope with the feelings of inertia and manage to keep going. I’m very hard on myself and don’t cut myself too much slack so I have had to find ways to accomplish basic things and interact with people when depressed. And occasionally bigger things. We’re very involved with and lead groups and church work outside our home so I can’t be “sick” unless I have something like the flu. Only the people closest to me, my husband and sons, know when I’m depressed, even when I’ve felt suicidal. The methods I use work for me, maybe not for everyone but they work for me. Everyone is different.
Hello, Natasha & Happy New Year!
I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Depression is extremely debilitating. It’s everything you describe in your article and more. Life gets away from you and then you are more depressed. Do what you can each day and don’t dwell on what you didn’t do. You will get to it eventually. Never apologize for who you are or the way you live. It’s your life.
Smile. Be happy as you can. You have lots to be happy about. A fabulous author. Housework not so much. LOL. Who cares. Be you. Thanks for sharing. You’re awesome!
Best, Cookie
I identify with this. However, I also have a wife who is only too happy to point out what I have not been able to do!
I feel for ya, man. My first wife wasn’t happy unless I was doing something constructive. Not saying that’s your case, though. I had severe panic attacks back in the ’80s, and she just couldn’t relate… nor be supportive.
Harry, I totally understand. I have a husband that does the same. I am hoping by educating myself and him more about my illness that eventually he will understand and learn to help and encourage me to do little things rather than constantly pointing out all the things I don’t do.
I’ve had To DO Lists for decades. And at the end of the day, I would look mournfully and see maybe on or two things crossed off. It made mad, ashamed, bitter, a strong sense of failure, etc….Everyone know the drill.
So three months ago, I took a different plan of action. I start with a clean sheet of paper marked (Have completed) I write down everything, except going to the bathroom, eating and drinking. If it’s Laundry, I mark I or II, sometimes III. for getting them into the washer, into the dryer, put dry things on dryer, hang them up. I include brushing my teeth because I’ve been so bad with that for years, taking a shower, feeding the fish, take out the trash, put a stamp on outgoing mail, actually taking it to the mailbox and so on.
It seems to give me a feeling of accomplishment to write something down. Sometimes it’s motivating and I might write down an extra thing or two. It’s not rocket science, a little silly but reversed psychology seems to be helping. I can’t beat myself up if I haven’t written anything to cross off! It has taken me a lifetime of accepting what I am. And I know there will be lots and lots of days of having the same clean sheet of paper for several days. And I don’t dwell on it, beat myself up about it or let it consume me. This illness is not my fault!
Hi everyone,any little thing i do I try try & give myself credit for.
Other times,I’m like,your lazy fat get up,do something….which is negative self talk & useless.
Only increasing my depression.
I give myself credit every time for raising a healthy beautiful cat.
Who is also happy.
I credit myself for helping a friend the other week who lost her husband for being there for her rock.
Hard deep stuff,reminding me of the many loses I’ve had,but this wasn’t wasn’t about me that evening.
You do feel better inside when you help others less fourtunate in the moment,I know it sounds cliche…..
She still thanks me for that eve & my thoughts.
Then,my nana who lives in my apartment ( adopted her) floor.
She had a terrible cold in her cold)
I’d told her I’d be back to check on her bipolar depression ……so I looked my best as she likes that) so went
To visit her too,she was weak,so our visit remained short
She’s 86 yrs ago I love her so much whenever I’m w her,time flies by
At Christmas we did cards together.
She’s my inspiration,wears makeup nice clothes,gets her hair done 2-3 weeks.
My real bio nana was abusive ………
My adopted one is like my dreamed nana.
I often think no one will want to be near me.
Depressed mode.
You think?
Your a oracle now,as well as bipolar?
Bipolar suffers aren’t only just that….they’ve many other parts that make them them who they are.
Bipolar doesn’t define you.
It’s just a diagnosis.
Maybe seeing that person,or emailing or chatting on the phone may help …….you don’t know till you try.
Unless you try ….
I’d though take extra rest that will help ( does me)
It doesn’t take it away we all get that!
Starbucks makes fab hot chocolate ( it’s still cold & snowy here + adds to depression not a lot of sunshine most days)
I cook……
I watch Dr Phil ( great white noise!!!)
Wishing good karma to all,no,I’m no I’m still unwell,but I’m still fighting the good fight!
Good article, Natasha. I made up a little saying several years ago – “Laziness says “I don’t want to.” Depression says “I don’t care.”” The latter is pretty prevalent with me most of the time. I’d love to get some things done, like dusting and sweeping, etc, but the reality is I probably will keep putting it off.
D. Denny,
-Laziness says “I don’t want to”, depression says “I don’t care.”-
I have never heard truer words. Or ones that spoke so clearly to me right now. Thank you. And, Natasha – this article just reinforced things I’ve been avoiding truly hearing from several people in my life. Thank you for all you do and reminding us (me) that this struggle is not one that has to be faced alone.
I Can’t Do Anything Because of Depression – Or Can I? … mmm… doing .not. anything is something now is it?, it might seem your not doing anything but you in fact are, are you sleeping alot, do you eat/drink/have sex…etc…, the depression only withhold you from doing fun stuff, you might feel alone & hurt, you might cry for hours, thinking about suicide, planning it, doing it, failing at it, if you are successful in suicide you cannot read this message…etc etc etc,
dear natasaha tracy: again many thnx for information, sse ya on the net, greetings to u, your family & friends & loved ones, signed xxx-wiekert-theo blaak, kapelland 5, 2264JA, LEIDSCHENDAM-VOORBURG…:)
One thing I’ve learned, take advantage of feeling good to the best of your ability. If you are having a great day, or week, or month.. do as many things as you can while you have the energy, so when you don’t have that same energy things don’t get out of hand. Like cleaning or grocery shopping for example. Same holds true for work… if you can find a way to build some passive income – money that comes in no matter what you do – things get easier. Long term, I’d love to figure out a way to get into owning a property I could rent. But there are definitely other smaller things you can look into as well. Make hay while the sun shines is the bottom line… so you are better prepared for times when you won’t be able to accomplish much! Has helped me, I’ll say……….
Hi Neo
Sandra here
I agree w everything you said.
Particularly the good days as they come few & far between if you are a rapid cycler) like I am
Also the money.
Well said.
i’m a great believer in small, doable tasks. often this means vacuuming, which can be strangely soothing — makes a lot of noise, gets the blood flowing, and when i stop, the house feels different.
more than ten years ago i had cancer and was expected to quickly die. interestingly, the cancer years changed my outlook on depression… when you’re (supposedly) dying, no-one, not even you yourself, blames you for doing nothing. for weeks the chemo meant i could not even move… the slightest movement would start me barfing.
you’re not really dying when depressed, unless you kill yourself, in which case you are. to me that’s reason enough to cut yourself some slack: you’re not doing nothing, you’re surviving a lethal disease. the outside world doesn’t know this, but really, when did their opinion ever matter?
just one more analogy — when i was young, i used to win local 10k races. people who cared about such things knew my name, wondered how i was doing, wanted to hang out with me. now it’s 30 years later and i finish near dead last. i want to tell people, hey, i used to be somebody. thing is, first place didn’t make me a somebody, last place doesn’t make me a nobody. the gun goes off, you run as best you’re able, you get to be alive for another day, that’s all there is to a race.
Thank you sooo much. I constantly feel like a failure for not being able to do the things everyone else can so easily. Until I started reading your blogs I thought I was lazy, useless and a failure. It helps to know that some of these feelings and behaviours are a part of my illness. Through your writing I am starting to understand more about Bipolar and through that I am starting to understand who I am.
I look forward to reading more from you and not feeling so alone.
I can relate to this post. I often feel like I do only maybe 25% of what a housewife does. A childless housewife, if they exist anymore. Some times are better than others, but this week has been tough.
The thing I feel most guilty about is not playing with my parrot enough, and yet he’s out of his cage much of the day in his large play area. I’m almost always in the room with him and only put him in his cage when I’m away from the room for more than 10 minutes. I never really wanted to be a mother, but if I was, I’d feel like I’d probably neglect them. Thank goodness I don’t have kids.
Before one week ago I was feeling well for a while. I signed up for an evening adult school class with hubby, and have in mind to sign up for auditing a university class. Now I’m intimidated by the university class. Should I sign up for it or not? If I don’t, and feel better soon, then I won’t have anything to do.
By the way, the advertisements I’ve seen on this web page the last few times look like classic Russian media influence crap. True “fake news”. It’s a shame!
Hi there Cindy
Sandra here.
As far as the uni class goes I can only say accept your limitations.
Only you personally know what you can cope with & not.
I can’t tell you the answer nor anyone else.
As I said,if your illness is in remission your probably ok
Otherwise I’d seriously question your decisions.
If you really want truthful answers I’d seek out a therapist unless you’ve not already)
Plus you’d need to think of medications ( if that’s feasable for you)
Sorry,I’m no psych just a bipolar girl in cyberspace trying to help
Good luck!