In my experience, there are often times when bipolar depression makes it so that I can’t do anything. I’m a lump. A rock. A blob. I literally can’t do anything because of bipolar depression. And because this happens to me, quite frankly, on a not infrequent basis, I’ve learned what to do when bipolar depression makes it so that I can’t do anything.
You Can’t Do Things or You Don’t Want to Do Things Because of Bipolar Depression?
I want to make something clear: it’s not that I don’t want to do things (I Want to Be Happy; It’s Not My Fault I Can’t Be Happy), it’s that I can’t do things because of bipolar depression. It’s an absolute inability. It’s a brick wall between me and everything else. I can try as hard as I want and I, literally, won’t be able to do things. This is not mere disinterest and this is not simply a lack of motivation (Bipolar Depression: Anhedonia, Lack of Pleasure and Motivation). This is impossibility at its finest.
How Can You Not Be Able to Do Something Because of Bipolar Depression?
I know people don’t get this, because they think their brains are slaves to them and not the other way around, but this isn’t true. Really, without your brain working with you, you wouldn’t be able to do a thing. Check out someone with brain damage some time. There are things they can’t do because, really, we are slaves to our brains.
And in the case of bipolar depression, your brain physically changes and, to me, becomes my enemy (The Mind-Brain Split). I find it’s like asking a computer to compute pi to the 245th digit but with the computer being powered by a gerbil. It’s like asking a person with severely atrophied leg muscles to run. A computer can do that, legs can do that, just not that particular computer or those particular legs.
What Can You Not Do Because of Bipolar Depression?
Um, everything?
Okay, that’s not true. My basic vital signs remain, even in a very severe bipolar depression. But bipolar depression can make it impossible to shower, cook, work or even eat. Those are the things people think of when they think of not being able to do “things.” But there are other things, too.
Because of bipolar depression at times I can’t use a phone; I can’t change the channel on the TV; I can’t even move to make myself more comfortable on the couch.
So What Can You Do When You Can’t Do Anything Because of Bipolar Depression?
So when you’re trapped in a body with a brain that won’t work and only sends pain signals, what can you do? Can you fight the inability?
It’s like everything: you need to focus on what’s left. You need to focus on what you can do.
You can breathe, so take a deep breath. Take a few. Use breathing techniques.
You can blink, so close your eyes and force thoughts that you want into your mind.
You can think, so choose to deal with the present moment and not be a complete victim to it.
You can take the small amount of power you still have back. Bipolar depression is holding you down with the weight of a thousand worlds but it still can’t have you.
I know what it’s like to be trapped in that place and I know what it’s like to be controlled by a sick brain (A Sick Brain and a Mind Trying to Deal with It). But I’ve found if I take what little I can do and focus on that, I can build on it. I can’t make the pain go away – nothing can in that moment – but I can find it within myself to fight it.
I try to accept the pain. I try to acknowledge the pain. I try to say to myself, “Yes, walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water is impossibly painful, but maybe I could try anyway.” Because maybe if I acknowledge how much pain there is and how much I really hurt, I can take its power to control me away. A bit. A little, tiny bit.
But even if I can’t build on it, and let’s face it, sometimes the impossible is just the impossible and there’s no working around it, at least I can still say I tried. I didn’t give up. I did what I could. I blinked, I breathed, I thought. And some days, that just has to be good enough.
Image: [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
What’s most frustrating is knowing you always have a potential to be great. It’s proven with the memories of when you were super-high functioning; when life becomes effortless and feels like continuous flow. How can we have a system that can work so perfectly it feels like cheating; only to be cheated down the line, with long droughts of listlessness and uncoordinated/deflated energy. Nature’s cruelest joke, and yet somehow, something inside me knows that there is an answer not yet found. Our “broken” brains Are the answer to what we seek: untapped potential. That potential has taken us to the top and the bottom of life’s experiential values. I may not be successful for long runs in my life, but I’ve also created a rich tapestry of mini-chapters that are irreplaceable and unique to my experience. This has changed my perception of what a successful life is, and how it achieved through exploring the fragility and ability of the human mind.
Natasha, Thank you so, so much for this article (and the entirety of your blog). My Bipolar Disorder has rendered me unable to do ANYthing for the past 72+ hours. As an aspiring writer, normally, what I cannot express through verbal communication I can at least write about…but this time, I have no words to explain to my boss why I left in the middle of the day on Wednesday and don’t know if I’ll be back on Monday…to my parents, who have supported me through some really bad times, but now that I live alone and will go for days without responding to their texts (and when I finally do all I tell them is ‘I’m not feeling well’), I think they’ve begun to wonder if I’m telling the truth or maybe I’m just an ungrateful daughter…to my boyfriend, who has been in my life for the past 17 years and knows me better than anyone, but still doesn’t understand why trying to convince me to go out for just a “couple” drinks when I’m like this is not only not going to get me to snap out of it, but those “couple” drinks could make me a lot worse (even though I know he has the best intentions).
I think I might share this article with my boyfriend and see how he reacts, and go from there. It’s a start anyway. Thank you again. If bookmarking your blog is the only thing I am able to accomplish today, then so be it.
When I’m sadly and hopelessly running in mud, I quickly use my computer to play “subliminal messages to motivate you”–there are several of these to get you going. Choose one.
They actually work for me. Just sit there and close your eyes, sit quietly without distractions and relax. Breathe.
You can’t do anything else anyway– can you? So try it! It replaces the negative thoughts you think and sends positive messages subliminally. You’re online here so you have no excuse.
They let you know what the messages are under the screen.
Good luck to you lumps of lead. I’m right there with you all.
Firstly I wanted to say that I love this site and Natasha you have shed some light for me with a lot of your blogs :)
After 23 years, my high school boyfriend has come back into my life and we began dating until now. He has ended it, without warning and he is in the depths of despair and in his words, “just doesn’t care about anything anymore.”
As teenagers in our first ever romantic relationship, it was quite erratic to say the least. He would break up with me one day and then a week later he would come back and plead for me to forgive him and take him back… We would go to a party together and he might leave with another girl and then he’d be back the next week begging for my forgiveness again… It seemed like he could change his mind so quickly and I’d never know why. He was my first love and as far as I was concerned, my last.
I met the man I married in between one of our break-ups at the age of 20. We had a child and the relationship ended after 10 years with very little drama. He was also married and had two children to his now, ex-wife and then had allot of tumultuous relationships after that.
We’d seen each other here and there over the next few years until Christmas of 2017 when he contacted me out of the blue saying he’d love to catch up with me, he explained that I had been a part of his rocky beginning and his Psych thought it would be a good idea to talk to me and give him an insight into how it felt for me… Long story short, we caught up and instantly fell in love all over again. He explained to me that his psych had given him a possible diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Bipolar Spectrum Disorder (after reading up on both, I feel like it is more Bipolar than BPD)
The next few months was a whirl-wind of beautiful texts several times a day, flowers, weekends away and more (with the exception of the occasional down day or paranoid thought or a sudden change of plans which didn’t always include me). The Doctor had put him on 50mg of Sertraline, which in the beginning seemed to work, he was on cloud 9 for most of it. Until, he suddenly stopped the medication which saw him crash and burn, although he went back on it a week later after losing his cool with me over something that happened over 20 years ago (he apologized the next day). In between then and now he has had bad days, good days and then really bad days, until one day he just stopped contacting me… I messaged him to ask if he was ok and the response was “I don’t want to be around anyone. I am not feeling good. I’m sorry it always bites you in the arse. I hate myself atm so I don’t really care what you think. I’m all good. Just having a rough trot” I told him I understood and I loved him and I am here when he is ready.
I messaged him a few times throughout the next week just to tell him I loved him and good morning/goodnight, that sort of thing – very few responses… Then one day I asked if he was ok, he replied with “Struggling to cope with day to day tasks. From overwhelmingly happy to angry at myself and the world ten times a day. My mind is going crazy, can’t concentrate, thoughts all over the place, generally just feeling really anxious and anxious even…” After responding with another question, he said he just wanted me to leave him be.
I did this until 10 days later when the feelings of being left in limbo took over. In asking him if he just needed space or did he need to end it, he replied with “It’s not fair for you. I’ve realized that maybe I just need to be alone. I have so much love to give but it always has to be on my terms… which is sooo wrong.” I replied and asked him if he was sure he wanted to end it, because I love him and wanted to make it work, even if I had to give him time to be in a better head space. No response…
I had booked for him to come on a tropical holiday with myself and another couple for my 40th birthday next month. Getting closer to August I thought I should contact him to see what he wanted me to do with his tickets, as he obviously was in no state of mind to be coming with me. He replied with “Atm I don’t really care. You’re obviously still going?… I’m really sorry about everything. I have been trying to pull myself together but the harder I try the further I seem to fall. You were perfect for me Angel. Thank you for trying to understand. And I still think of you every day and what I am missing. I am so angry at myself, you have no idea. I will always love you.”
Needless to say I am confused and I have read that moods and mood cycling can be made worse if someone is actually who may have bipolar is only being treated with Antidepressants. He works as I fly in fly out worker and works 12 hour days from Monday to Thursday, then is home for the weekend. He still manages to go to work every day and still spends 3 weekends out of 4 with his children but just doesn’t seem to be able to have a relationship with me…
I feel he may come back to me eventually as he always used to when we were young but I’m just not sure. I really love him and what to be able to help him by supporting him but I feel like I’m just annoying him at the moment. He has obviously gone into a depression, I’m not sure what move to make next….Can anyone offer advice?…
P.S Patricia, you are amazing having to carry on with life, despite how difficult it is for you… hats off!! :)
Hi again Natasha Tracy,
I know how impossible it is to get moving when depressed, but I haven’t been depressed since my shrink had me on too many psych drugs. My ongoing trouble is severe fatigue where I cannot get going to do chores or exercise. Could you possibly do an article re: bipolar disorder & fatigue? Am wondering if it is the bipolar disorder itself or the psych drugs? They do say that fatigue are side effects, but this severe fatigue is really overwhelming! I just take 40 mg Latuda, 500 mg Epival & 25 mg Seroquel for sleep. People claim that more exercise is supposed to produce more energy, but how is anyone supposed to exercise when feeling severely fatigued? I eat a healthy diet so that’s not the trouble. Just one more comment re: your book Lost Marbles Tracy. That is the most interesting book that I’ve read re: bipolar disorder. You have such a wonderful sense of humour! Mara in Victoria, BC, Canada.
Hi Natasha Tracy,
Thank you so much for your blog articles & your book Lost Marbles! Really enjoy all your bipolar disorder related articles. Take care & please write more books!!! Mara Rogers
Hi Natasha,
Thanks for this. You have such wonderful insight and make such great connections. I only wish that I could get my bipolar family members who would benefit from reading your blog (at least IMHO) to read it. Any suggestions?
Hi John,
You could print off particularly-relevant articles and give that to them — that might increase the chances. Or, ask them to do it for you for a birthday present. That can work sometimes too.
– Natasha Tracy
Kudos to you Natasha! You are an inspiration for many. We need people like you to show the way to others who think the condition can’t be tackled with. You have come up with your own experiences to help others and that’s huge. Breathing is indeed all that anyone can do when stuck there, and to do it is itself an achievement.
Thanks so much for continuing to create awareness the way you do by articulating such issues that bipolar people have. I am in a low point right now and know exactly how this urge to do NOTHING can consume your life. But One thing I can do when I can’t do anything else I type how I feel, so I keep up with my little blog as best as I can. Thanks for your inspiration.
Boy does this article ring a bell! I feel like banging my head against the wall sometimes because I just get stuck in this block of cement. I can’t just do whatever and knock it out. It’s so frustrating. Thank God my husband just says get to it when you can babe. It may be two months from now but I just get to it when I’m not so sick. I’m letting myself be ok with that. Well I’m trying anyway.
“powered by a gerbil” that made me laugh. I’m trying to put more things in place for periods when I can’t do stuff. I had a horrible period of time when I was physically and mentally ill. I spent over a year bedridden. It was a disaster for everyone. My husband ended up having two minor strokes, our youngest child, who has amongst other things an ASD, got very mentally ill, our finances collapsed and the house become a filthy, cluttered hole. I didn’t realise my critical role until I couldn’t do anything at all, not even bathe. I’m over year on from that, but still very impaired. I’m very much trying to concentrate on what I can do and slowly organising things so if I do get super ill again it’s not a disaster for us all. Thanks for the reminder, it’s easy to get off track.
Thank you.
Oh thank you for this. THIS is exactly why I had to retire much earlier than I had ever planned. When you quite literally cannot turn the doorknob (much less get in the car to drive to work) it’s impossible to work. “Go take a walk, you’ll feel better!” Well yes. I know I would. But I cannot physically DO that.
I’d like to have a buck for every time I’ve whined about being a lump just in the past week.
I’ve discovered a new bipolar depression symptom. It is sleepiness. I can’t stay awake long enough to get anything done no physical ailments just my brain.
I get it.
I have a sticky note that I see every morning. It says “Get out of your head before it kills you.” When I’m really down in it instead of mindfulness I aim for mindlessness. Getting out of my head means no thinking. No thinking. No thought. None. I can do more the less I think. Sometimes this doesn’t help. Sometimes it just delays the inevitable. Our brains are yapping dogs constantly jumping up in your face, and sometimes they’re whales dragging you to the bottom of the ocean. Sometimes not thinking lets me do things my brain is always trying to tell me not to try, either way I don’t think so it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes when you’re in it there is nothing you can do to turn it off, you can’t help thinking about how deep in the ocean you are. But sometimes I stop thinking. Even for a brief minute I can stop.I know that not thinking about it doesn’t change anything, but it does let me work on autopilot, bathe regularly, and not let my brain kill me.
Yours is among the most insightful comments I’ve read lately, Kenneth. We humans do, in fact, operate on autopilot most of the time anyway, or I suppose learned behaviors is also an apt description. Multitasking is a popular myth, but the human brain is actually incapable of true multitasking in a mindful way. That’s why there’s no difference in auto accident rates between hand-held and hands-free phone devices. The driver’s mind is not focused on his/her driving AND that conversation at the same millisecond…the brain keeps switching from one to the other.
Autopilot and mindlessness got me through the darkest depression of my life – it lasted two and a half years and it was the robotic shell of my body that completed the essential tasks that had to be done, no matter what. Tiny steps to complete a seemingly endless serious of tiny tasks I was conditioned to do. The only thought I even remember was a fervent wish for time to pass, and it did…eventually. I avoided the thinking process itself like the plaque it is when one is prone to rumination.
During that time the kids had to be dressed, fed, and on their school buses with their lunches in tow – the cat needed water and food – period. Sure, it took me three hours to accomplish those tasks instead of the typical hour previously allotted…then another two hours to shower & get ready to do a fragment of the volume of work I was used to doing. I had to do it mindlessly – it was the only thing that worked, or I would have been lost in space. Natasha is absolutely right about doing the little she can do, focusing on it as best as she can, then building upon that.
I’m bemused by this current trend of “mindfulness.” It is helpful for many people in certain instances, but it’s not a one size fits all, and I think it’s inappropriate for many who suffer from bipolar disorder. I’m convinced that rumination is an entrenched symptom of this brain illness, yet a very poorly recognized one. We have to interrupt that loop in order to function. Those whales you speak of can get mighty hefty…not to mention…there’s a hole at the bottom of the sea…
This is a great way to explain it to people who can’t understand it. When I’m bad off it feels like someone just slapped me in the face and so I’m furious, or like the world has just died and I’m the last person on earth. You can get so low that you can’t do anything because the worth of doing anything is literally zero.