I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 18 years ago and I can honestly say, that being diagnosed with bipolar disorder feels like a death. It may not feel like it immediately, but, over time, mourning a death is what being diagnosed with bipolar disorder feels like.
When I Was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
The thing about being diagnosed with a serious, lifelong, mental illness is that, at some point, you realize that your life will never be the same. Life after diagnosis with bipolar disorder will never be what life was like before diagnosis. In fact, sometimes I think of like B.B. (before bipolar) and A.B. (after bipolar). B.B. I was a happy, university student, with great grades, who participated in extracurricular activities and who was grateful to be working toward a bachelor’s degree. A.B. I was a very messed up, bipolar university student, with no interests, who could barely eke out a C in some classes and had to take an extra year-and-a-half to complete her degree. B.B. things were a whole heck of a lot easier.
A Bipolar Diagnosis Feels Like a Death
The first thing I remember grieving for was a drug-free life. Because of an alcoholic father and other drug addicts in the family, I feared drugs and my own genes that might increase my risk of becoming an addict. So, B.B. I stayed away from drugs. And then, all of a sudden, I had to take them every day. I was terrified that would make me an addict. I wept and wept over what it meant I was becoming.
(Of course taking medication for bipolar disorder, or any other illness, does not make you a drug addict, but, at the time, I just didn’t understand this.)
And, eventually, I had to grieve the loss of B.B. life.
Doctors told me that I would get that life back.
They were wrong. I never have. I have never gone back to the person I was before the bipolar disorder diagnosis. I never have gone back to the person that had normal emotions and normal reactions to situations. I never have gone back to the person who could just handle things without thinking about them. I never have gone back to the person who didn’t need emotional coping skills every second of the day because things just came naturally. I never have gone back to that person.
Grieving the Death that is Bipolar Disorder
As many people know there are several stages of grief. There is denial (“What are you talking about? I don’t have bipolar disorder!”). There is anger (“Why the [insert expletive here] did this happen to me?”). There is bargaining (“I promise to pray more and be a good person if the bipolar disorder just goes away.”) There is depression (This is wallowing in the sadness that is a bipolar disorder diagnosis – not hard to do being that depression is a part of the illness.). And then there is, finally, acceptance (“I know I have bipolar disorder and I will deal with it to the best of my ability.”).
As I have said before, working through the process to acceptance of bipolar disorder tends to be a long one and is different for each person. And, keep in mind, this is not a linear process. Those may be the chunks of grieving but people go from stage to stage, skip stages, revisit stages and generally take a personal journey to acceptance (And some people linger in the other stages for years.).
Why Grieving a Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis Like a Death Matters
But while this process is, to say the least, uncomfortable, it is important. Like I said, I never got the same life I had B.B. back and that is something that is worth grieving. My life was important. My life mattered. And that life was over. It died.
But, as I said, at the end of the grieving process there is acceptance. You might slip out of acceptance now and then, but that is the longstanding stage we all strive for. Because after every death there is a new life. My new life has been very hard, very challenging and something that, sometimes, didn’t seem worth it. But it has also be amazing and magical and full of things I likely would never have experienced without being thrust into the A.B. world.
So, yes, I believe that a bipolar disorder diagnosis is like a death, but I also think it’s like a birth – a painful, bloody, screaming birth, but a birth nonetheless. Life will be different A.B. but it’s still worth having. There are still glories to come.
Its an interesting article. One part of my was devastated, crippled and in disbelief. The other part of me was relieved that there was a reason for my behaviour choices throughout my life – since about the age of 11-13 if i am honest with myself. I also split my life into BD – before diagnosis and AD – after diagnosis.. thankfully- the drugs i take now are prescription and keep me balanced enough to work and function within the confines i place upon my life in order to work and function within my marriage. But it was like a death in a way. And to start again -is like a kicking and screaming birth – and i still kick and scream from time to time – but I’m comforted by the fact that I’m in good company. Thanks for the article – good posting
Acceptance really is a beautiful thing.
I was diagnosed 6 years ago. Had no idea until my pdoc asked me to do the line graph. Draw a line horizontally on a piece of paper. Then remember as much as you can, and start graphing. With a dot where you felt a certain way, then start connecting the dots to make out your life story. That exercise made me think that maybe, possibly I could be what he says. Turns out that I not only had BP disorder but PTSD and ADHD. I’ve been hospitalized 6 times. Lost pretty much all my friends, you name it, all gone. Have no idea why my husband chose to take this on, but I’m so glad he did.. I still feel like I’m still spinning around some days. Tried going off of meds, just to see if it was real or not. I went bonkers and ended up in a hospital. So they were right, now I know I can’t do that again. I loved my old life but I know I couldn’t go back now. And it’s a good thing.
Oh, and don’t run out of your meds. I forgot one of mine for a few days before getting it filled. Can’t do that either.
I do want my life back but if I did, I’d be drinking too much and living the party girl life. I have to remember those times, because I can now see the bad parts and keep me on track.
My birthday is also coming up in a few weeks, and all I feel is sad, AB. About a month ago, I had a nightmarish reaction to coming off of a medication & since then have been twirling in a black hole of rumination, worried about what is going to happen to me, and I can’t stop twirling. I can’t take care of myself, let alone reach out and nurture some of my old friendships. I’m stuck & that hurts. I’m scared and was crying this morning. I feel safest but most sad in my bed, if that makes sense. I know I’ll be asking my shrink for a new antidepressant.mi so much miss my PB self. I guess I need to keep trying. I’ve had lots of bad thoughts, but they all just make me more sad. Sorry I’m rambling. I’m twirling.
Angel- I’m so sorry. It does feel like a death at times, sadly more than once in your life sometimes. Going on or off meds can be a huge culprit in these cycles. How long have you been off the old med? It sounds like they will be adding a new one soon? Or do you have to request one? I cannot touch an antidepressant without being manic. But I know they work wonders for some. I’d call your doc ASAP for an appt. That’s why they are there. I’ve had to call and move up an appt or get an emergency appt many times. You shouldn’t feel bad if you need to do that. I know you said you’ve not necessarily nurturing friendships, but maybe you could reach out to one now? It may seem overwhelming but I bet you’d feel better afterwards. But my honest opinion is to call your doc. If you felt pretty good before going off this last one, hopefully adding another will help get you back to that spot. Don’t judge yourself, just go and get help for YOU. You deserve it. Take care.
Very true. After being diagnosed, life will never be the same again. Ever. It does feel like dying a slow death. I’m scared of having a good day in case that may be mania, I’m scared of having a bad day in case that might be depression.. In short, I’m scared of having emotions. I’m struggling to find the right words to say, because I always end up saying something stupid or hurtfull, and if I post anything on facebook I immediately regret it and get paranoid irrational thoughts. My birthday’s just around the corner but I have no intention of celebrating, I feel like a waste of space. Sorry to be so negative, but you’re right. Life after being diagnosed IS different. And lonely. And empty..
this piece that you wrote was too much for me to handle even though I concur with what you wrote. I am 61. No hope and I am scared to death as to what my future will be like . I cycle almost every day so even on my best day I am scared becuase I know I will make up for it on the downside the next. This has been by far the biggest battle of my life. Reading this article was a big trigger. I dont think I will read it again. Sometimes I just cant handle the truth about this awful sever disease I have and the co-morbities that I have which include complex PTSD , and GAD
When first officially diagnosed with Bipolar in 2006… and as it was explained, in detail, to me by the psychiatrist and social worker… I sat upon my hospital bed (having gone in while critically suicidal and delusional, along with psychotic) and an utter sense of relief passed over and through me. For the first time, since I was 8, I finally had received the RIGHT diagnosis.
It seriously clicked, like a light being turned on, within me. What I had been struggling and suffering with for oh so long.. nearly 32 years (at that point) was Bipolar. Someone had finally figured my mess in my head out and knew what it was.
Since then… so many pdocs and tdocs later… eh, Bipolar is not so readily diagnosed. I get a lot of the Mood Disorder NOS or Bipolar NOS (apparently there is a difference) and the criteria to meet to get the Bipolar diagnosis has changed from diagnostician to diagnostician.
I’ve had 4 hospitalizations – one lasted a month, cannot handle anti-depressants at all, Lithium always has a positive effect though only to kill the suicidal ideation cause I cannot handle moderate dosages.. had 2 severe Post Partum episodes, both with psychosis involved… and for the most part, that would give me the Bipolar diagnosis… but I’ve had pdocs and tdocs shake their heads. since 2006 and say “eh, not so fast”…
What they have all agreed upon though is: I am mentally ill. They cannot agree on what version of mental illness but they agree, all, that I am mentally ill.
I didn’t look at the Bipolar, which by the way is still the correct diagnosis in my spirit, as a death sentence.
I looked at it, and still do, as a life-saver.
To go through so many years being mis-diagnosed and meds not properly prescribed, having little to no benefit from anything given to me and sometimes even came close to losing my mind or suicide because of them… to finally getting the diagnosis that clicked deep within as “finally, someone sees me and knows what is wrong with me”… was a life-saver to me.
What I do not like of it is: it will never go away, I will always be seen as and labeled as and still have – the symptoms till I take my last breath, yes i likely will require meds all the days of my living though i really do not take any but that doesn’t mean i do not actually need them (a high sensitivity to meds is the culprit, maybe all those anti-depressants as a young teen and early adult set it up? who knows?)
that part of the whole enchilada, per se, is what i do not like.
Just be positive guys. I have come to embrace this reality and I try to consciously stay positive all the time. I feel sad reading some comments.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in Jan this year. I’m a physician by training so I knew right from the start what that diagnosis meant. With medication my symptoms have improved, so I’m lucky that way,but another thing that I’ve found helpful is not to identify with my disease too much.I try not to let it define me..
Natasha is doing great work as a self professed ‘ professional crazy person’. Hats off to her. But I wonder if identifying too much with bipolar disorder makes it that much more difficult for her to deal with it.
First, I wish to over-emotionally & from the heart thank you for this site and sharing! It has changed my life to listen to a person intelligently address this issue and not just rant (as “we” tend to do) or be a Dr. trying to explain that which they do not live themselves. Through your intelligent enlightenment I have new hope in better dealing with the way I deal with life.
Response to article:
For myself I disagree. Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is a relief. Prior to diagnosis you don’t know why others don’t see and react to the world and what is going on each day the same way as yourself (Of course you must also be at a point to be receptive that you have a disorder, which for myself took a couple of decades and I attribute finally being receptive to Tianeptine. My first symptoms I believe started in my early teens as a result of puberty since that is when I first started contemplating suicide, I am now 52). How others meet each day with joyful anticipation of another day when all we think of is getting through another day without succumbing to killing ourselves. Being diagnosed finally lets us realize the reasons we think this way and gives us a starting point from which to work from. A light finally comes on as to why we see things so differently and the acknowledgement that we can now consciously work at recognizing when our mind/brain starts going down the “wrong/abnormal” path. Logically we see our entire timeline and know that for all intensive purposes life is pointless in the greater scheme of things, before diagnosis we have no point of reference as to why others don’t see the same frivolous existence that we do, however, after diagnosis we gain the perspective that other people do not see things the way we do and that we are the ones that if we intend to hang around can now use how others see things to help us correct our perspectives. In my case there was no B.B. & A.B. I believe I was always with Bipolar, for me there is only before and after gaining the perspective that we are different and how.
I wonder how much is about accepting suffering and experiences as they are and how much is about accepting the label that one has been given.
I do think that it is important to note that acceptance is a process, and often not a linear one.
I never pinned down words that describe how I feel about my diagnosis. Thank you again, Natasha!
I was not diagnosed until I was 40. At that time, I was really so incredibly happy in my life. I had a great job that I loved, there for 12 years. My marriage was going awesomely, and my preschool son was doing great. I felt so great about my success, I had to go through a lot to get there.
Normal day, no indication anything was wrong. Made it through the work day, but as the evening progressed, I started feeling edgy. Then everything exploded. Don’t remember much of that time because I was full blown manic with some psychotic indications. Even when I first woke up, I was too sedated to ask questions, and probably wouldn’t have the cognition to do so. My husband tells me that I was there for 2 weeks. Several more hospitalizations, etc etc. I was completely gone for at least two months, very limited for at least a year. My diagnoses: BP1, rapid cycling, mixed features, psychotic features, PTSD, and ADHD. That was 6 years ago and I’m still not even to the acceptance part. I’m like, how could I be so highly successful, didn’t feel stressed out, nothing- and overnight end up like THIS??
I miss that me. So do my husband and son. I just feel “defeated”. I’m treatment resistant also so we’re going to go somewhere and try something else.
Sorry to be the “downer”. Feeling more on the low side today.
Dear Vania, I’m so sorry to hear of your tragedy. I never knew something like you’ve experienced could happen, esp. when someone is in their 40s.
Clearly you make some good points. However, as tough as bipolar disorder can be there is still hope. The part about a new life was actually very true. Most people have to fight for a new life after dealing with the fall out and struggle with bipolar disorder. I also think some people are more treatment resistant and that makes it more difficult to have a positive outlook. I guess I am just looking for a little more hop dealing.
I don’t mean to paint a happy face on BP. It took me a long time to come out of the closet. As I did, though, I found acceptance from those closest to me and even some of my employees. At least for me there was no BB. There was just the diagnosis, which I fought, and the meds, which I fought harder. Please understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Take care of your body, surround yourself with good people, and take it low and slow. You can live with this and achieve contentment.
Thank you Bill and Amy. Very encouraging comments..
Here’s a note from my brother who has clinical depression. His MD (a general pracitioner, not a pdoc, who is a Naturopathic enthusiast ) convinced him to get off his meds and get on L. Tryptophan. This went well, at least that’s what he thought, for a few months. She kept increasing the dosage of L. T. when it tapered off. Now look what he”s suffering:
My brother writes: ” I’ve been having serious depression and anxiety, and just feel incapable of talking on the phone right now. Or doing much f anything, actually.
“I’m gradually increasing my dose of sertraline, and hope to get through this in a while.”
I am very worried about him.
As for me, I’ve mentioned at this blog before, that I have tried several times, under pdoc supervision, to get off meds. I even cut my pills into EIGHTHS and very, very gradually decreased them by 1/8 pill at a time. These experiments with my own meds resulted in depression creeping in, so I titrated the meds back up to the working level. On meds, I feel fine, and usually feel like I don’t have bipolar at all. But I keep notebooks full of writings I did when I was in the throes of it, as I was for 50 years till I found good medical and therapist help. I had tried so many incompetent “helping professionals” that did not help me or made things worse. When I moved to my present city, it took over 2 years to find a clinic that totally helped me. I was 54 by then. I had had depression since I was 3-4 years old. When not on meds, I am rapid cycling, which is supposed to be hard to control, so from time to time the meds quit on me, and I have to get something new.
I’m grateful for the medications that treat bipolar. Without them, I would be dead. There are advantages of both extremes. Really bad things can happen in mania, but it’s also a goldmine of connections and ideas. Coming down, crashing creates space to process those ideas. I don’t have an ordinary brain, and I’m happy about that. There are terrible consequences of the disease, but it can be manageable with the right meds and therapy. I respect the way you feel, but I hope you will someday find a way to run your brain and take advantage of the disease you were dealt. Good luck.
Nope sorry, this article is over-dramatic and depressing.
You get this with most chronic illnesses, though as you say BAD has the “advantage” of having depression built right into it, making it easier to tip over into an adjustment disorder. The degree it affects you has a lot to do with what stage of life you’re at and how much the illness disrupts that. When you got hit, in the early adulthood transition towards a “sky is the limit” independent life, is particularly bad (besides mental illnesses, the other one that seems to come up a lot for that age group is GI things like Crohn’s).
The degree of illness matters too; the “lucky bipolars” who have moderately well-controlled depressive episodes and a single hypomanic episode fare a lot better than people in your situation in adjusting to their illness. Though when first diagnosed, most don’t know how things will go, and again it’s practically built into the illness that you’ll envision the worst possible outcome.
I agree that things are much more difficult after the diagnosis. But please remain hopeful. New medication (with fewer side effects) and treatment options are becoming available.
Wow :(
I was very happy when I was diagnosed with bipolar because I thought it put me in the same category as creative geniuses like Byron, Shelley and Nina Simone. I am actually now a multi-award winning poet and singer anyway! By contrast, a friend of mine, who is a singer-songwriter was devastated by his diagnosis of bipolar – it’s all in how you look at it. People prayed for healing for me and after 20 years, I GOT IT!! I have now never felt better. As for money worries – God will provide – and He has! Even ‘though I might be facing homelessness at the moment I am not particularly worried. Bipolar is not a life sentence, although I think it does alter one’s life trajectory for a while. But life is good and nobody’s life goes according to plan. Is it is sunny day wherever you are? I hope it is – it is a sunny day here! God bless and keep positive, be grateful for what you have, and forgive, to the best of your ability, every day, and have faith! God will provide, and every day is a new day! Pray on whatever is bothering you x :)
Well, Lisa May and all, I prayed for 20 years. No results, and the church members told me I “was not praying right.l”
I can totally relate to your article. When I was first admitted to a psych hospital in 1999, when I was 25 years old, I knew my life would never be the same again. I knew that I was not just going through phases of emotional problems but had a lifelong illness and had to take medication and get treatment regularly for the rest of my life. It was like a death sentence to me. Before I was diagnosed, I had almost straight As in school and everything was easy for me. I had a car and hung out with friends all the time. I wouldn’t say that my relationships with others were perfect or completely normal, but I had some sort of a social life which I don’t have right now. I passed the LSAT and got admitted to law school. I had a bright future ahead of me. Then I started to have severe psychosis and everything I had was gone. I have never gone back to law school because I spend so much time and effort dealing with my illness. Now everything is much more difficult. So yes, I agree with you that there is a life before diagnosis and a life after diagnosis. However, I also think we should remain hopeful as new medications and new treatments are becoming available.
At first I wanted to disagree that the diagnosis is a death, because I had long sought that diagnosis and was mightily relieved with the validation it brought. But it did, through time, become a part of a mourning process for me. I’m still mourning after 16 years! Loss of job, loss of home, loss of financial independence, they all came a-knocking at around the same time as my being diagnosed. And I’m sure I’m not alone suffering these losses along the way.
Very thought-provoking article. Thanks!
Hello, Vania, I know what you mean about losing a job. You wrote: ” Loss of job, loss of home, loss of financial independence, …” As for myself, my big regret along those lines is that I was never able to hold onto a job for more than a few months, or a few weeks. One job lasted 1-1/2 years, and that was the longest. I have never been able to fully support myself except for a few months at a time. When I told my firsts therapist in the mental health system that I had had 15 jobs in the last 2 years, she told me “that’s a sign of bipolar disorder.”
The author wrote: ” For months, Bernie Sanders has out-polled Hillary Clinton against Donald Trump, and often by extraordinarily large margins. Because we must do everything we can to defeat Trump in November, our mission is to win as many pledged delegates as we can between now and June 14.” and Varia wrote: “Not for me!!!”
Author,Here is my experience. I’m certainly now comparing or trying to put you down in any way. I can’t locate your name, sorry. Well, as for me, I agree with this, that you wrote: I never have gone back to the person who didn’t need emotional coping skills every second of the day because things just came naturally. I never have gone back to that person.” But for me, living with bipolar is great. The first time I took medication — which I took for hyper-acusis, hearing noise too loud — when it kicked in, I felt like this — SO this is what most people feel ALL THE TIME!” Wow! What a revelation. I grieve that I’ve lost a bit of my high intelligence, but when I tell people that they say, “You are brilliant!” Not as brilliant as I was BB\. But there are compensation, big time ones. Mainly that I play music much better than I ever have. That’s probably the least important, in a way, although I’m a life long musician that BB I would make mistakes and speed up big time. However, the main thing about BB was that I could NOT control my emotions. I would cry if I broke something in the kitchen of if I fell down, or cut myself accidentally on the finger with kitchen knife, etc. I would scream and yell at people if they were rude to me. I still get very, very upset if some is rude, but I don’t scream at THEM, I scream at home or to (not AT) my therapist. My moods and behavior BB were so unpredictable, being rapid cycling, that I was scared of myself. I felt like the Sword of Damocles was hanging by a hair over my head, like in the old myth. That Sword was screaming fits that could last 6 hours, followed by shame , weeping, and depression.Maybe the worst of all was the constant depression which I’d had since I was 3 or 4 years old. I thought about suicide all day long, every day. I wanted to die. AB I have not had these thoughts — for 20 years ow. I got my dx when I was 54 — 50 years of misery. Yes, I had my happy times — when I was hypomanic, and I spent way, way too much money, on small businesses I tried to make. I was, BB, however, successful in 2 small businesses, one for 20 years.
Sorry for this misprint –“now comparing” — of course it was “not comparing.” Can’t edit the post!
I suppose everyone’s experience is unique. Being diagnosed bipolar wasn’t like a death for me. I spent much of my life from mid-teens to my early thirties dealing with endogenous depression. I then suffered a breakdown which took a bipolar form including periods of manic psychosis. I was just going from one kind of mental illness to another. But it was the beginning of recovery. My breakdown was rough, with a very deep depression that required ECT, but from there I began to recover. About ten years later I had another breakdown, which followed a similar pattern. Again I had ECT. Again it took me time to recover. But all of this, the breakdowns and the slow recoveries, was progress towards healing. I was resolving inner conflicts and learning how depression and psychosis work. Now I still take mood stabilisers, but I haven’t had any depression or mania for about nine years and I don’t feel that it is likely to return. So for me, being diagnosed bipolar was just a step along the way to a life free of the suffering of mental illness. Such success stories may not be the norm, but it is worth keeping in mind that pessimism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So, this is why I feel like I am a ghost. I don’t know that I will ever fully accept my bipolar diagnosis because I am ashamed of it. I am more accepting of the clinical depression and/or the PTSD diagnosis. Today I am not angry, which is a triumph unto itself. I do not judge or shame others when their diagnosis is revealed to me. But, I sure do judge myself. I guess I can remember many genuine joyful moments BB. AB the joy just doesn’t seem to ever be honest, I feel like I fake it in order to be functional.
Not for me!!!