I’m often caught in the eye of bipolar disorder and I don’t know what to do. This can manifest as not knowing what to do next with treatment, what to write in my next article or even what action I should take next during the day. I just feel lost. Being overwhelmed with bipolar disorder is definitely part of this, but I think bipolar disorder almost zaps the thoughts of what to do next from my brain. I just don’t know what to do.
How Can You Not Know What to Do Because of Bipolar Disorder?
I don’t know why bipolar disorder makes me not know what to do. I don’t know how it does this. So often, though, I’m just left with a void in my brain where ideas and possibilities should live. It’s like options of what to do are right on the tip of my brain but I can’t quite reach them.
I think part of this is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. If no action gives you pleasure, then how do you find the motivation or desire to do anything? This is a constant problem for me. I think part of long-term anhedonia is great apathy. I don’t care what I do next so I can do anything. Or nothing. It doesn’t matter. I still don’t know why this removes even possibilities from my brain, but it just seems to.
And, of course, not being able to make decisions is also a symptom of depression itself.
The Problem with Not Knowing What to Do Because of Bipolar Disorder
The thing about not knowing what to do in bipolar disorder is I feel frozen so often during the day. Even if I can think of options of what to do, I feel like I can’t choose any of them. None of them are “right.” That’s the depression-related indecision for you.
This is really problematic for functioning. Yes, I am generally considered “high-functioning” with bipolar disorder, but I definitely see functioning problems every day related to this mental illness. And, certainly, when I turn into a rock on my couch because not a single idea of what to do next is in my brain, it impacts what I can get done during the day. I think it would look crazy to someone else, not being able to move for absolutely “no” reason. But that’s really how it is for me. “Frozen” really is the word.
Combatting Not Knowing What to Do Because of Bipolar Disorder
If I don’t know what to do, it’s helpful to talk to someone else who can easily give me options. If I don’t know what to do next with treatment, obviously, my doctor can make a solid recommendation. If I don’t know what to write next, I can go to a list of topics I’ve jotted down previously and see what I can work with. If I don’t know what to do next at all and no one is around, I can write down logical options on a piece of paper. I know that sounds a little basic, but, really, it engages my brain in a different way and forces it to come up with logical solutions. Going back to basics can really help combat the feeling of being overwhelmed. Plus, if you write down options, it’s like a list where you can tick off items and that makes you feel good, too.
I think the key is, when I don’t know what to do next, I need to be insightful enough to know that it’s the bipolar disorder doing that and not me. I need to know that although I feel frozen, really I’m not and I can do something. Maybe I can’t do much. Maybe all I can do is get up and get a glass of water. But that’s okay. Just taking that one step forward is still something. Even moving an inch after feeling like I couldn’t do anything at all is positive. Functioning with bipolar disorder is about baby steps, not giant leaps.
Thank you for this! I’ve wondered if I am high funtioning because of this. It’s so difficult to just do things sometimes that I didn’t know if I am high functioning. It certainly doesn’t feel like it! So, thank you! Great article!
My daughter is a bright child in school, very smart and organized.She is 10 years old nonetheless she hastrouble participating and performing in public..she cries uncontrollably
~ It’s just plain HARD some days. Grueling. With what seems like no escape. Sometimes for days in a row. But then there are days when the sun shines again. Sunny days. Sometimes for days in a row ~
Thank you for this blog post, I’ve been driving myself insane thinking it was circumstances or people rather than the illness, I’m high functioning too, I use to be able to handle stress, in fact it made me strive, I had 23 employees before having a massive breakdown. Now if the wind changes I seem to shut down.
Wow. Describing me in your comment With coping with stress. Now if I sneeze the wrong way I get depressed!
I was just scrolling through the responses and feeling all of your pain people. I’m glad I found Natasha and the rest of you.
Natasha, I was psyched to see that you responded to the question on writers block! It makes me happy to know you read these things we write. God bless you and all!
Thanks for being here Natasha. You’re able to put my thoughts, feelings and inability to decide what to do into words and complete sentences. Something I can’t do. It’s inspiring to know you and your site are here. I’ll be reading your posts so please keep doing this and press on.
Thank you for this. I’ve read so much on why I might have trouble making simple decisions like what to do next. I don’t have the problem you mentioned of not having ideas, I know lots of things I could do, but I either don’t want to do any of them or I equally want to do all of them and can’t decide. Even though there isn’t a wrong answer, it feels like there isn’t a right answer either (like what to watch or what to do with my evening.) Ahedonia make sense though. If things brought me joy, I’d probably be able to pick what I want to do. Since none of them bring me much joy, I can’t decide. Thank you for thisl
Thank you for this great article. It is so well written and taught me a lot. I never heard of the word “anhedonia.” It makes sense to me and fits my life and why bipolar is sometimes so difficult, besides other reasons as well of course. I get stuck a lot and I blamed it on the fact that have bipolar with ultraidian rapid cycling and mixed episodes, so I just thought that it was my brain fighting within itself between mania and depression and with that mixture my brain just can’t do anything. Maybe for me it is a combination of both. Anhedonia makes sense for me as well because if you know nothing has been giving you pleasure and feel like it is not going to, why do anything at all. I can relate to that. It is hard to take a shower and make myself do things. Anyway thank you again for your blog and post. I hope it is okay but I want to reblog it. Hugs, Sue
I am currently falling into a deep black depressive episode having just gone through a mixed episode from a high. I am unemployed, impoverished, stressed and anxious.
Day by day, I sit and watch the daylight rise and fall. Recently; suicidal thoughts have returned and lethargy has set in. I sit and eat, eat and sit. What’s worse; my brain has just gone completely void of ideas or options.
I recognize this as a Bipolar symptom of mine. Focus is hard, concentration even harder and all my brain wants to do is flat-line. All the circuits, one by one, are shutting down. I veg, eat, sit and watch the daylight rise and fall.
So, the last few days I’ve tried to find SOMETHING… something to occupy my mind and moreso, my brain. So, I am slowly checking off little projects. This morning it was to sort my storage closet adjacent to my house. It’s a 8′ long by 4′ wide closet of sorts with my hot water heater. Still, it needed sorting out and stuff re-arranged. It took all of about 20 minutes but I saw something accomplished in the end.
I also took a much needed shower. I haven’t showered or wiped since Saturday.
If i do nothing else today… I’ve done enough, for today. Stuff that didn’t take a lot of thought… I saw or I smelt and did or washed… not a lot of thought.
Still… the depression deepens. Yet, I accomplished something or 2, today.
This. This. This.
Just a huge thank you and a hug for giving this apparent Anhedonia a thorough description, Natasha. I couldn’t.
It’s like the feeling one gets after a death, but w/o the sadness. Numb? Yeah.
Just the nothingness of being trapped in nothing-land, trying to eat a nothing burger.
I try to conjure up ideas I used to enjoy; but I’m out of gas and motivating ideas. Empty as a brides head. This state of mind hurts. There’s no physical pain but rather the lack of any feeling whatsoever. I keep trying to blame something or someone for my brain bullying me into this blah store room full of tractor parts. Leaving me desolate. Blah, Blah.
I suppose I have scads of things to do, I but find myself thinking–”maaaybe later” — if I do feel anything at all. I’m actually GLAD now that I can blame my bipolar; b/c I thought I’ll never feel any better — ever.
Now, it’s a waiting game. Most of my other scary and crappy symptoms are at bay, currently.
I hate your guts bipolar! I’d like to gouge you’re damn eyes out with a pitch fork and push you off a jagged cliff.
To the rest of you reading this; have a nice day.
I really don’t know where to start.
Except,I can unfourtunately also relate to both you Stevie,& you Natasha.
I get though frustrated realizing we will be ending another yr soon,what do I have to show for it???
Yes a wee bit better,but that’s BS to myself & my siblings ( very judgemental,not that I really care)
More to myself!
I’m 56 years old not 20 something,only got correct diagnosis few yrs ago after supposededly”
Being schizoaffective” well close….& SO OVERLY DRUGGED yrs SPENT IN A FOG I DONT EVEN RECALL
Like being 90 yrs old!
Plus 9 ECT treatments,yes THEY HURT US MORE THEN HELP.
It’s all due to the fact THEY DONT STOP TALKING a& LISTEN!!!!!
That’s my take ANYWAY.
Yes I’ll lay on my bed,think,?????
Should I do?
I’m extremely indecisive
ALWAYS AS LONG AS I REMEMBER.
Maybe our shrinks should TAKE OUR DRUGS EXPERIENCE ALL THE SHIT ASS SIDE EFFECTS @ the HIGH DOSES THEY GIVE THEY THINK TWICE.
Nah.
Likely not change a damn thing.
CPS manual is their BIBLE HERE.
Your right,Stevie,they lump us all together…..yup like a sack of potatoes I say.
I really in psych don’t see anything changing much,my psych threatens me saying I’m lucky living in Canada…because if manic in the USA I’d go straight to the not so nice penthouse suites”
My last words not his he obvi said hospital ……-on @ 5150 hold.
I said well we aren’t in the States are we?”
He goes,”very quick,Sandra,very quick!”
God amazing I’ve any BRAIN MATTER LEFT AFTER ALL THEYVE DONE ALL THE HOSPITILIZATIONS!!!!
WHAT A MOFO!
SOmetimes I hallucinate when I’m freaked out by overload ppl stress etc…..
Never tell DRS he threatened HALDOL!
I outright SAID NOOOOOOOOOO
My muscles & jaw felt uber paralyzed….I felt emotionally DEAD.
I simply cannot be that girl that finds one nice word to say about BP
It’s ruined my DREAMS,MY LIFE, MY PLANS NOW IM MIDDLE AGED every yr I want it to change.
It’s simply not THAT KIND OF DISEASE
It rears its ugly head
My fingers have actually FROZEN on keyboards……
I totally feel this pain
It doeS SUCK I FOR ONE AFT SUFFERING SINCE AGE 15 AM TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT
I get like this, even during mania as my manias tend to be of the dysphoric nature. It’s really hard when you have so many thoughts and ramblings going on in your head but you’re stuck at the same time not knowing what to do because you have so many thoughts going through the mind and can’t pick something, anything to focus on because everything is suddenly SO BORING and worthless of my time.
Ah yes the jungled jumbled up thoughts of mania
I hear you
Loud & clear!
For me it’s what I ref to as brain noise” or brain clutter”
Highly distasteful in any wording!
Even my coping mechanisms do little.
Manias a BITCH
Plus I can’t stand stupid ppl
With stupid problems…aghhhh get me out of this stupid disease!!!!
If feel locked in a cage!!
I don’t think I have anhedonia so much. Well, I guess I can say I’ve lost the desire to do things that used to make me happy, but at the same time I’ve found new things for pleasure. When I consider this topic I think of what to do to make progress in my life. Taking the steps forward I would like to take in preparation for hopefully getting off of disability some day.
I have taken college courses and adult school courses (just one at a time) to get me out of the house more. I attempted to do volunteering, but those efforts failed usually because of mood episodes. I dreamed about preparing for new careers, but then eventually I realized the preparation would be too much for me. Basically, I don’t know what to do to take the necessary steps forward, and as I wrote, I’ve grown afraid of failure assuming steps forward will destabilize me.
I do write in my blog a lot, but that’s something I can do as little or as much as I want or can. I try to think of it as writing practice, and a source for writing samples, but at the same time I have no idea if I’ll ever do freelance writing. Is what I’m doing now a waste of time? I don’t know, but it does give me pleasure.
It’s funny, I’m in my mid 40s, and I have no idea what I’m going to do when I “grow up”. “Grow up” meaning get to a point in my life again where I have the energy and mental consistency to make significant progress and be reliable. Honestly, the thought of even committing to something for the future is kind of scary.
This may be a dumb question (I hope not), but is this any different than writer’s block?
Hi Mark,
I actually think it’s very different. “Writer’s block” is when you just can’t think of what to write. This is when you can’t think of what to do at all.
– Natasha Tracy
Too many days, this is me. Picking my purse off the floor is too often followed by a ”why” in my mind. I find pleasure in little or nothing at all. I do what I’m able to. Anymore, and I wouldn’t consider myself sick.
I FORCE myself to do the smallest tasks. If I have to rinse out a damn cup,I get angry/irritated/antsy. I have to have a cleaning person now b/c I don’t even have the faintest desire to do that anymore. I use to love to clean my house! That’s crazy too huh? yep.
How you find the exact subject matter that is so succinctly put is still amazing to me. Just when I think you’ve covered every symptom of this empty illness, you find another. Someone must feel this way b/c you wrote about it. I read you tonight and thought ”noooooo! HER too”?
I’m not happy with my baby steps; I use to run a business for cryin out loud. Psychiatrists suck. I hate them all!
They dole out the poison we try out or take. I can’t count the times I’ve canceled b/c of a last minute mixed episode and I’m charged for the ghost visit. hahahhahaa I’ve had fights telling one of them, “I thought you knew what bipolar was or could do to you??? ” Tell me what a mixed episode is then?” Their description never fails to make me laugh. Nope, I tell them. That’s not it at all! They only know what they read and were schooled for. They have not felt EVER felt anything like one. They lump us all into a “type” then they guess, and act like they understand us. We are ever evolving, but they are stuck in the year they graduated med school. I Am glad I found a bipolar girl friend. Of course she ”gets me” more than a p-doctor does. She’s lower functioning, but just our similarities can make me laugh out loud. She lives farther than I drive and we both hate phone calling or texting, so when we all get together it’s nice.
I wish I could get my meds and just go to her house. F my doctor. All of them pompous, big headed assholes.
All they do for me is push new meds and take up a chair.
Maybe they’re frozen…