This morning I was watching Perception, which is a TV show wherein the lead character has schizophrenia. He, like most of us with a mental illness, is trapped inside his head – trapped inside his mental illness. Oh, he functions and everything, but his mind is still trapped inside a sick brain.
And this is how mental illness is. My friend called it the ball and chain. He says I do really well for a person who’s always weighted down like that.
And this morning, one of the characters in the TV show said, “I spend a lot of my time finding puzzles hard enough to get him [the lead character] out of his head.”
When I heard that, I burst into tears.
OK, maybe I’m unstable and that leads to tear-bursting, but also the point rang so poignant that I couldn’t deny it – I spend most of my time trying to desperately escape my bipolar brain.
Bipolar is Torture
No, not everyone will agree with me on the idea that bipolar is torture, but I find that I have to spend every second of every day dealing with my mood disorder psychologically. I find that my brain is always off and running in places I don’t want it to go and the only thing I can do is desperately chase it and try to slow it down. All I can do is erect wall after wall and try to box it into somewhere reasonable. All I can do is try and try and try. And never slip up, or forget what I’m doing. Not for a minute.
This kind of concentration is torture. Dealing with errant brain signals all day is torture. It’s a torture that others can’t see or feel, but it’s there. All the time.
Escaping a Bipolar Brain
So what I try to do is escape my bipolar brain when I can. It’s almost impossible. My brain yells so loudly and runs so quickly that escaping it is almost undoable, but on occasion, it occurs. But holy macaroni does it take a lot to manage it.
In all honesty, what does it is sex. But it can’t just be any old sex. It has to be sweat-drenched, claw-scratching, paint-peeling, fire-alarm-ringing sex. Really.
It’s during this activity that my brain is actually focused on something other than my crazy. It’s a goddamned miracle.
Craving an Escape from a Bipolar Brain
But the reason I burst into tears, I think, is just because hearing it from someone else made me realize how badly I want it for myself. Not the sex, which is lovely and everything, but the escape – the momentary escape from the tiresome, unending, soul-exhausting fatigue of dealing with my brain. It’s like living in a crossword puzzle where every moment is an obtuse clue requiring great pains to solve.
(Yes, in case you were wondering psychiatric meds help. Meds make it possible to even deal with a bipolar brain, but that doesn’t mean they solve every problem and that doesn’t mean that it makes the brain not sick, it just makes the bipolar brain manageable (for me). )
And oh gosh I think I deserve a break from it all. I think we all do. But the sentence of mental illness is life long and there just is no escape from a bipolar brain.
Hi Natasha, and all of you who share our common symptoms and emotions. Thank you for letting me know that my difficulties in coping have far more to do with Bipolar than the character flaw or lack of effort that I sometimes believe. The counterproductive habit of trying to achieve the unrealistic for me goals that I might without bipolar or giving up in despair because what I might achieve feels futile and inadequate to reward my efforts therefore guaranteeing I achieve nothing until I overcome my depressed mood and force myself to start the smallest task I can complete maybe only a bath or tidy part of the kitchen. Those disappointing sad days when chores can’t be done and a backlog accumulates to overwhelm us more and make it more difficult to face the future are a shared experience I believe. I am thankful that many of my friends understand to some degree and ccan sometimes help with practical things, on good days I can even reciprocate. I am so grateful to all those who love and support me in this way. I am lucky to have such people in my life. To share ones vulnerability is brave and difficult to do but trusting others more often is rewarding for both parties and can bring mutual support as even those who don’t have bipolar need help too. Sometimes we are well enough to give that support to healthy minds our experience can assist others through their difficult times because we are experts in dealing with hard times and a little advice or time to listen and not judge makes us valuable too. Good wishes to everyone here I hope today is a good day for you. I hope my words remind you of times when you have helped others and you can feel proud of the kindness you gave, I would be very surprised if even one person reading this has not achieved an important thing for someone else. Well done. Fluffy.
Hi Natasha,
I read a couple of your blogs as I can’t stop browsing and opening every link. My mother was unconsciously carrying the disease. At first it was kind of okay however when she started escaping medication and plus getting involved with social media, everything crashed and we’re back to zero. The obsessiveness was tremendous as she would late 10pm just to chat for any guy. I have full control over her Facebook and it pains me to see all her infidelity. Sometimes I yell at her, not knowing that I know every single thing about it. I just hope I find more answers to your blog. She was obsessed to have a guy around. Every day she gets a little unaware of the things she should be doing, forgetting her responsibilities in the house including cooking for us. It was like she was so selfish about every thing. :( It’s hard living with her, I deal with negativity almost every day.
I’m doing a lot better than I used to, with a whole lot of “recovery” work, but still today, I am using food and clonazapam. No boyfriends, haven’t had sex for 15 years :-) I hear you, Natasha, thanks for sharing :-)
I am the parent of a 32 year old bipolar child. She hs lived with this for 20 years. We have lived with this for 20 years also. Recently she pushed me over the edge and I realized I needed to step away, for a while at least, to protect my well being. I know she is not taking this well, but I have asked her repeatedly to see a doctor and see what other medicine options is available. She will not take anything I suggest to heart and just yells at me. I believe in E.C.T, and I think it would help her. My coping skills has limits and I have reached mine. Any suggestions how to effectively get her back to seeing a doctor, or try other treatings would be helpful
Hi Judy,
You may wish you get your hands on this book: http://www.youneedhelpbook.com/You_Need_Help/Overview.html
Truthfully, I haven’t read it but I did hear its author speak and it seems to contain some good ideas for dealing with tough situations.
– Natasha Tracy
Hello, for such kind of mental disease due to chemical imbalance, eating, sleeping on time is very important. Also engaging oneself in doing something which you like the most like gardening, knitting, or if you have some skills sharing it with the needy etc… Such way either being with nature than with people and doing some selfless work but not to get into the trap people’s company works better. Unfortunately in the western world company of people especially in means falling in relationship or having physical relationship. Neither can work in long term unless until the purpose of both is understood. A great master says ‘Don’t fall in Love but Raise in Love’ this can be done only if we have some higher purpose in life. Also, indulging in physical relationship often for pleasure or out of stress can only further deteriorate the mind condition. The statement ‘As you think So you become’ is so true in this case, more and more thoughts of the bi-polar bombard us we should make it a point to rise above it and this is possible only if we at least set a higher purpose in our life and try to live accordingly while taking appropriate medications and food necessary. Any things indulging or craving should be avoided as it only increases the chemical secretion and create imbalance. Sorry this is what i understand to overcome the problem whatever i am going through.
No offense to Natasha, but I feel that every blog I run into of yours sounds rather on the negative light. I’m looking for hope dealing with the bipolar mind as their are so many things out their that claim otherwise. Is it because we were given a label that the mind has believed to be “sick” ? Yes, theirs no doubt that we are different. But I don’t know if crying my eyes every morning is because I’m bipolar or the belief that we live horrible lives trapped in our brain and are unable to make others happy due to our own misery.
Hi Cheryl, Not sure you will read this or not, in any case. Btw there is no sick mind or good mind. All have sickness and goodness both in their mind. But what we we need is a spiritual mind. Only spiritual mind can elevate and to go beyond the good and bad mind. So objective is not just good and having fun in life but the objective is to be spiritually good, aggressively good.
Actually mentally sick patients i have seen who are equally good in heart and spiritual in heart. It is due to the past deed the effect is shown for us. So, instead of engaging our mind is keep analysing good vs sick, let us know spirituality. Means knowing your purpose of life beyond your health or sickness, wealth or poverty, intelligence or foolishness. That can be known by reading your religious texts in depth in the perception of higher life. That has answer for our sufferings. You can read articles from spiritual sites, read some good books i means some spiritual books to make you feel light and to know your higher purpose. Analysing bi-polar should doctor’s job, not ours.
No offense to Natasha’s blog, but every time I come across it, the blogs make me feel more miserable. I want to believe that living with a bipolar brain is doable and can even be inspiring at times instead of hearing, yea, my brain is sick and I wish I could escape it. I was looking for hope, not fear. Especially after crying my eyes out this morning :(
Natasha, I am glad the psychiatric meds have WORKED for you…….I have been ‘cycling for over 27 years now, since I had my second child. NOTHING(all coctails of meds) has worked for me, thus far, only made me gain weight……….at this point, I am getting everything ready (need my Cardiologist apt) to go through with the ECT( I know it did not work for you) But I feel it is my last hope/chance at getting more of a life(I am only available half my life now, not really LIVING fully every day, as I spend up to 50 or more days secluded in my dark lil room due to depression……..I totally feel YOUR pain(read this recent article) I understand fully how living life as a crossword puzzle, stuck in my brain, trying constantly to escape…….I GET IT…….wish me luck, I hope that the ECT can do what nothing else has to help me return to some form of activity in my life……..
Hi Mary,
True, ECT didn’t work for me, but you should know I’m not against it. I consider it a very effective treatment and at your point in your treatment, it seems quite reasonable to try it.
I hope it works for you and I wish you the best of health. I know what you’re going through and I know it feels impossible. Just hang on. There is hope.
– Natasha Tracy
I know what you mean about getting stuck in your own head I can get that way and in the past have been severely that way. I am lucky and my meds have reduced that. (And I have been in a “normal” state for the longest amount of time in a long time) I know that Sometimes puzzling things out definitely helps, I know when I’m bad and there are puzzlely things to do at work like resets, or figuring out how to rearrange promo items around to fit more out it sure makes it easier to get out of my head. I know lately Having to do a lot of that has helped keep me from a looping debate over meds, and being down on myself for needing/taking them. I’m so glad to not be the only one that gets stuck in my mind.
Wowza! I think I need to watch this TV show! And yeah–I totally agree with you on sex being the only thing that calms down my galloping bipolar brain! Also, I have described my thoughts as being like a puzzle as well—a puzzle with 1,000 pieces and I cannot find a g*dd*mn fit for any piece! I like this and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for making me feel not alone!! *HUGS & KUDOS!*
Hi Kim,
I’m happy to remind you that you’re not alone. None of us are. We’re all in a crazy boat together.
– Natasha Tracy
i don’t even have time for sex!!! my dear brain keeps me fit by running around after nothing!!!
This is the first time I have ever read a bipolar blog…let alone ever thought about commenting. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who goes through life with the constant torture of the disease…yes I said torture. I have a wife who loves me and tolerates my bipolar but she has no idea of what i go through every minute of every day.I have never been able to explain it to her. I want her to read this…it is the best explanation I have seen. Thank you so much!
Hi Roger,
I’m always honoured to meet a first-time reader and a first-time commenter too, that’s excellent.
I’m glad you see you’re not alone. We all need a reminder of this sometimes. I hope this piece blog can help you and your wife.
– Natasha Tracy
This reminds me of the time I was asked to try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) by my therapist. My homework, write down my negative thoughts. Well, a bipolar brain is quite capable of having a 1,000 thoughts at once about how you are an awful awful person. You can imagine this exercise did not go well and brought me to tears. It focused me on those negative thoughts. Overall CBT was not a good method for me to regulate my emotions.
I think the point that hits home for me is the meds. They do not cure the problem, but they provide a ground where I can distract myself. If I can find a way to cope then I can stop the cycles before they start. Is it perfect, no. It helps me breath and find the spaces where I can be functional. Instead of those thoughts weighing me down so hard that I can’t get back up.
Hi Suzza,
Well, no one therapy is for everyone and there are real CBT believers out there, but that doesn’t mean it always works. I think CBT has major limitations in cases of severe illness. And like you said, you had a negative reaction to an exercise they had you do. There are tools in CBT that can help, but they certainly don’t all help. A lot of it has to do with the severity of the illness, I think.
And yes, meds to prop you up to the point where you can stand against the crazy. It’s what they’re good for.
– Natasha Tracy
I saw something (Oprah Life Class) that applies I think to what you are talking about. It was that we need to live in the moment. It is the only moment in which we can live in. That we need to take a breath and not constantly retry those past moments. While the past hold things that we need to re-examine to learn from. Screaming while stress relieving isn’t probably something that we can always do. Maybe the way out of our heads is by embracing the little things everyday and living in the moment.
Hi Debra,
With all due respect, I’m not a fan of Oprah. Don’t get me wrong, she might be fine for your average person, I can’t say, I’m not terribly average, but for people with actual problems like a mental illness, not so useful.
A screaming bipolar brain can live in the “now” perfectly fine and not stop screaming for one nanosecond. At least, that is my experience. Not that I’m suggesting that living in the present doesn’t have value, because it does, I employ that thinking a lot, it’s just that it doesn’t tame the brain like it might for your average person.
– Natasha Tracy
Just what a friend and I were talkinga about today. I used to deal a lot with suicidal ideations. The Lithium has taken care of those, but now I feel like I’ve lost all hope of escape, ever.
Hi Charity,
Well, I guess I could tell you to be thankful that the lithium has done its job that well. :) It is something to be grateful for.
On the other hand, escaping the brain? Well, that’s pretty tricky. Maybe you can never escape, maybe you can just adapt. Maybe that’s enough.
– Natasha Tracy
The comment box went all funny, I wasnt being ignorant at the end of my last one, Iwanted to say thank you, your articles and such are so very helpful, im still trying to understand things and these help :-)
Kez -:)
I feel the same, Im currently under diagnosis, left hanging, waiting for the powers that be to decide what type of bipolar I suffer with, waiting for them to decide my future- or so it feels. I will be honest, Im scared to hell about it all, but I guess its gotta be done, well if I wish to save my relationship, buisness and friendships.
I wish I had a power down switch or button, so I could just turn my mind off for a while, shut up and stop the tornado in there
Hi Kez,
That’s a tough spot you’re in, to be sure.
All I can say is to try to take it one day at a time and know that this phase that you’re in will end and you will move onto the treatment phase, which will hopefully help you recover quickly.
And remember, they aren’t deciding your future – you are. You decided to get help. You decided to get a diagnosis. You will be involved in deciding treatment. It’s you, not them, making the rules.
– Natasha Tracy
I love this very honest blog. I lost my mom and grandfather (her dad) to suicide many years ago and I was really angry with my mother for dying that way until I got very sick myself. I know what it’s like to be trapped in a hellish confusion and out-of-control rattling mess. I did that for years. Thankfully, I was bailed out of Hell and my 13 psych meds when I became the first adult to act as guinea pig for the micronutrient therapy discovered in Canada. It’s been sixteen years now without a hospitalization or psych meds. It hasn’t been perfect, I’ve still had to deal with real life, but the best thing has been the calm in my brain. Reading your blog, Natasha reminds me of how it used to feel. There’s nothing worse than feeling jailed and out of control. If natural sex endorphins change your brain chemistry enough to stop the madness for a moment, then it makes sense that other natural endorphin releasing/promoting ingredients can do the same.
Anyway, I really admire your guts and honesty. It’s taken me years to find my voice online realizing that what I am all about is controversial with both med-loving people and doctor- haters alike. I guess I’m an island on the bipolar map. I loved meds when they kept me alive, and I respect my fantastic doctors for doing the best they can. I also respect science and discovery and I’m glad that better answers are always around the corner.
You can check my very young blog out on autumnstringam.com if you get a chance.
Cheers!
Autumn
One of the best articles on bipolar I have ever read.Sensitively written,understanding and insightful.As a sufferer myself it was emotional reading it but,so glad I did.
Hi Tim,
Well thank-you. Those are very big words you have used, indeed. I appreciate it.
– Natasha Tracy
Well done Natasha. Hits home very effectively, very familiarly. Thank goodness my own BP is now so well under control that I don’t have to concentrate 24/7 any more, but it was once like that for a long, long time. I still have to be alert for changes and red flags, but I’m not on call at all hours like I used to be. I know I’m very lucky!
i was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with bipolar 1,i feel devastated, i also have ptsd and anxiety attacks,on May 22,2006 my husband died, his body was not found for 4 days, my life as i knew it has been shattered.But finally knowing that i am bipolar has made this gig-saw puzzle of my life make since.Tonight I feel so alone with this condition.I am an artist and my family are ‘normal’, i have been viewed as the oddball in my family most of my life..My sister says i have a weak brain, i find her statement insulting but I choose not to take her views of me personal for this is her problem.What is so difficult is now that my sweetie is dead i feet utterly alone, he loved me as i was,and accepted my mania and depression.I have very little impulse control and my brain cycles and i find it torture to live this way.How can this be my life?
Terry, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my hubbie to suicide when I was 30, prior to being diagnosed w/BPD. Hang in there, find a good medicine management psychiatrist and give it some time to find the right combo if meds that works for you. Stick with it. It took me 3 years of tweaking my meds to find just the right meds and just the right dose. Take comfort in your art.
Try to educate your family and sister (especially) and follow Natasha’s blog. She’s been an invaluable resource for me. It can get better but you have to be patient. :)
Hi Terry,
Being devastated at a mental illness diagnoses is normal. You’re behaving in a completely reasonable way. No one wants a mental illness. As I’ve written, acceptance of bipolar disorder is a process: https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/acceptance-bipolar-disorder-process/
I know in life a lot of the time things just happen to us. Like death. Like illness. But we still have a life to live. Maybe not the one we envisioned for ourselves, but still a life.
I feel that when someone receives this kind of diagnosis they need to grieve what they have lots – what they thought there life was going to be like – what could have been. These are very real things to lose and it’s OK to feel sad and alone about it.
But you’re not alone. You have received that diagnosis but so have thousands of others and they have worked through it and so can you. If you’re not already in therapy, I highly recommend you get some as your life experiences and going through this diagnosis are hard and a therapist can support you through it.
And hopefully your family will come around. I recommend educating them as usually it’s ignorance that breeds unacceptance. Buy them this book and ask them to read it: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2012/07/loving-someone-with-bipolar-disorder/
And, if you can, join a support group. Find others who are just like you. We’re out there. Trust me.
Good luck on your journey. We’re walking beside you.
– Natasha Tracy
Dead on. This is the part people just…don’t…get. Thank you for taming your brain long enough to write this and then share. You make me feel like I’m not alone.
Hi Twiddle,
I’m honored any time someone says I remind them they are not alone. Thanks for the comment.
– Natasha Tracy
you continue to blow me away with how you can articulate exactly what i struggle to express. it’s a huge inspiration so thank you for continuing to write here.
That is very kind Sanna, thank-you. I do my best.
– Natasha Tracy
For me it’s travel that is… escapist enough. I guess I have overly developed senses, because people claim that air doesn’t smell differently in different places, but it totally does. To hear foreign language around me, I can think people are deep and good. I am fully focused on new sceneries and smells and noises and I try to soak it all in… not time to think of my own miseries. One cannot be on the road all the damn time. And sometimes the road is boring and there I am, on third class in Ukrainian train, having seen and lusted after all the tanned half naked man with good bodies… and I think “what would they do if i jumped out of the window of the train…”).
(strangely, reading and watching docus on godawful things (preferably nuclear weapons) helps too in a way. But maybe it’s mental masochism).
psytrance music helps too. when played really really loud. Infected Mushroom can overbeat my thoughts. But I cannot go around with my own soundtrack, can I?
Hi VenusH,
Thanks for sharing what works for you. I have a friend who gets really liberated by travel too. It doesn’t do it for me in the same way, but I will say, that things _do_ small different. (The air between Canada and the US is different, trust me.)
Can you walk around with a soundtrack? I don’t know, but the guy in Perception often does :)
– Natasha Tracy
Funny you should mention loud, sweaty.. well you know. That’s exactly what pulled me out of a funk the other week. For at least a day or two I was walking on air. Now if we could just bottle that we’d all be so much better ;-)
Last night I couldn’t get any sleep. We’d lost our power and I was so wound up making sure all the switches were off and the freezer was closed that I didn’t get to sleep until well after 2am. And now I’m feeling the dark shadows creeping up on me.
I told my wife that I might need a long walk down the street at some point this evening.. or I’ll just go to bed.
For me it’s the inertia. Not getting things done. Then beating myself up over not getting things done. Wondering if I am just lazy. Knowing I’m depressed. Knowing I’ve been trying to work with my pdoc to get the depression lifted for a year and haven’t been able to (poop out on SSRIs–been trying to avoid having to switch to a whole new thing). Now I’ve moved, so when I get in, I’ll be dealing with a new pdoc, too. Or something. If I really had a crisis, there’s somewhere I could be seen.
I’m like I was before I was on meds at all. I alternated between clinically depressed and oh my god hospitalize her now depressed, with brief bouts of hypomania. Right now I’m just the average depressed, But taking 4 psych meds to do it. Fun fun fun.
I hate bipolar disorder.
Hi JulieC,
I’ve been where you are – treatment-resistant and cycling between bouts of severe depression and death depression. You’re not alone in that. I spent a long time that way. And And spontaneous SSRI tolerance certainly does suck.
Please know though that while it can take a long time to get there, other treatments, cocktails, can help. It’s OK to hate bipolar – many of us do – but just remember, it won’t be like this forever.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi All,
I like the show, but think the character’s mental illness is conveniently helpful to him. It’d be nice if hallucinations or irrational thoughts were always so helpful. My dad is paranoid about the government, not like I don’t agree that the governement is sometimes involved with questionable things, but my thoughts don’t invade my life interfering with everything I do. My dad is a frequent letter writer to the White House. And, not like I don’t think expressing views is an American right, but there is that line. The shows featuring mental illness are for the most part fun and entertaining & I’m a watcher too, but reality has so many disturbing parts not depicted in the show. I can’t blame the writers they want us to find it all entertaining and interesting & it is. But think if you lived in a trailer and a beam from a local tower was being transmitted into your living space through the recliner you so often sit in. This beam interferes with your life to the point that your trailer can no longer occupy the lot where it resides due to this. In a rush, you move it yourself – bending it causing it to be useless. There’s a whole ‘nother story of what happended to the bent trailer, but I’ll leave that for now. The point is how deabilitating mental illness can be for the person affected along with their family.
Hi Erica,
I do totally agree with you in that it’s awfully convenient that his psychosis is so helpful. And yes, I agree that in real life, that isn’t nearly the case. But, of course, TV is not reality.
The link above (on the word Perception) goes to a critique from a woman whose son has schizophrenia and she talks about the reality vs. the fantasy too.
But there are some real positives to that show for the community, so I’ll take what I can get there :)
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
As always a pleasure to read your description. Your writing certainly hits home to so many of us and helps us realise we aren’t alone in the fight.
The constant nagging from within side our head is consuming at times and hard to not to get fixated to where our brain wants us to go. I find it makes me completely restless at times and have to focus on trying to do many things at once just to give my brain a break from.it. it is so physical exhausting when your brain never wants to switch off.
I envy those who can just sit there and think of nothing, it is hard to understand how people can sit and think of nothing when I have never been able to do that. As it is hard for them to understand why our brain has to constantly be going.
I do agree about the sex and feel at times it is heightened by the fact our brain concentrates on that one thing and the pleasure of it all, getting lost in the moment standard so true in that situation and the relief of that and the sexual pleasure makes.me just go into a state of relaxation for a small.amount of time after which is an ultimate feeling of contentment. Unfortunately we just can’t have sex all day everyday would ne nice to think so though hahah
anyway thank you once again for your thought provoking insures keep ip the great work.
Excellent description, Natasha. You have managed to put into eloquent words what so many of us know (and live). Thank you!
You’re welcome Tammy. I do my best :)
– Natasha Tracy
I have been watching this show with much interest, and overall I think it is better than most that deal with mental illness, especially schizophrenia. Paul’s delusions were always intermixed with some smidgeon of reality, and that theme seems to come out in the character’s hallucination of his “girlfriend”.
Hi Ilene,
I agree, I think it handles mental illness deftly, which is very, very hard, so I give them kudos. Not everything is perfect from a mental illness accuracy standpoint but I think it does give an idea of what it might be like to live in the mind of a person with schizophrenia. Of course, a person with schizophrenia could comment more accurately on that.
I do think part of our “real” life crowd into delusions as this does seem to come up in the telling of different people’s schizophrenia stories. It’s true in bipolar too. Even when we’re crazy, there tends to be a spark of reality in it, somewhere.
– Natasha Tracy
An excellent article as always and it hit to the core what we are all dealing with. Like Harry, I use sleep as one of my main weapons in the battle in my head. It helps that I am on disability and have the time to sleep. The meds also make it easy to sleep for many hours each day. But how I wish I did not need the meds and the sleep and could actually enjoy each day doing something to help society
Yep, that’s it! I find my escape route is sleep. I’m never crazy, depressed nor manic in my dreams. I identify too with the bursting into tears, too. Happens to me all the time – too damned often. It always did but after “the big one” 5 years ago, while the mood swings are now nothing like as bad, the spontaneous tears seem worse than before “the big one.” It’s like there’s been some element of permanent damage. It’s that knife edge balance, to avoid the emotional rush of the tears, THAT is the part I my Bipolar brain I want to escape from.
Hi Harry,
I like sleep a lot too. Too much, really, but it’s better than many of the alternatives.
And you’re not alone in finding some symptoms worse after a “big one,” which I would call a “break.” There is evidence that a major mood does cause some brain damage. I’m not saying it can’t be recovered, but I do think it can leave lingering results for a long time.
– Natasha Tracy
This is the best description of Bipolar I have read…I couldn’t have described this craziness in my own words….
Hi Pam,
Well, what can I tell you? That’s why I’m a writer. :)
Thanks.
– Natasha Tracy
Yep, that’s it. to a T. Nice description and explanation, Natasha.
Hi Meredith,
Thanks. Sometimes those rattled thoughts of mine make sense :)
– Natasha Tracy
As I read this (unable to sleep thanks to racing thoughts and feeling that all too familiar sense of utter despair) I noticed how eloquent all the posts are. Bipolar though we are, I think we are mostly a bunch of intelligent people. Don’t forget that. Your brain may be one of your greatest assets because you see the details that others don’t, even though it may be not always reflect reality.
Harry, I know exactly how you feel.
xoxo
Jess
:¬) XX