I have a great fear – I fear becoming a burden to others because of bipolar disorder. I fear that I will become too much work. I fear that I will become too much bother. I fear that I will just become just plain “too much.” I know how burdensome bipolar disorder is to me and I don’t want to place that burden on others.
The Burden of Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder is a highly burdensome illness. In fact, it burdens my life every day. Every day, I am forced to live within the limitations bipolar forces me to have. Every day, I am forced to do things I don’t want to do because bipolar disorder makes me. Every day, I have more to deal with than the average person because the bipolar hands it to me (with a no-returns policy).
And all of this really sucks. And, I honestly think, this type of burden would crush many people. Nevertheless, I do continue but I also realize the heavy burden under which I’m being placed and how no one else deserves to have to be weighed down like that with me.
Trying Not to Be a Burden Because of Bipolar Disorder
So I do everything I can to not be a burden to others. I try to only expose my bipolar underbelly a little bit. I try to make sure I act as normal as possible around others. I say, “I’m sorry,” over and over for the tiniest things – for nothing – sure that any small error on my part will make the person drop me like a rock while thinking, “Good riddance.”
And please understand, I have very good reasons for feeling this way. Others have left. Very important others have left. They left when I thought I was doing everything right. And when they did, they left holes in my heart that still haven’t been filled.
Burdensome Bipolar
My friends today would tell you I’m not a burden. I actually check in with them and see if I’m overstepping any lines because I’m so afraid I will without knowing it. These are wonderful, amazing people who choose to be there with me even though I’m imperfect, at times, “too much,” and challenging.
These are people who choose to be there even when I cry way too much or when I tell them I’m suicidal. These are friends who, of their own volition, check in with me just to make sure I’m okay. I cherish these people and want to give them everything.
And I’m still scared.
These people have never given any indication that they will suddenly cut me out of their lives, but then, neither did the last one. These people have proven their loyalty, have proven their love, over and over.
And I’m still scared.
So the questions become, will that fear ever go away? And will that fear somehow niggle its way into my existing relationships and actually cause the problems it is so afraid of?
I don’t have any good answers to these questions but I will say this: learning to trust people and learning to trust that people mean what they say is very, very hard for me. But these wonderful people are helping me do it. In baby steps, I suppose.
Header image by Grace to You.
I too have Bipolar Disorder II, but at 50 years of age it has taken nearly 10 years to get a clinical diagnosis only last year because of the two (lucky?) things I have – ultradian cycling of no more than a day (two at the longest), and hyper-sensitivity to medications.
It has been a constant struggle with my Psychiatrist and I seeing each other once a fortnight or once a month (to give the meds time to settle in), and it was pot-luck as to whether I was good, fair, side-affected or just not good.
But once the diagnoses were made starting from an OCD approach to a diary that I was personally keeping (another feature of my co-morbidities) my Psychiatrist could then see the patterns emerging, intertwining and affecting other mental processes.
So a year on and I am somewhat stable with a plethora of medications to treat my BPII, MDD, GAD & OCD. With one recent exception – this week I destabilised very dramatically due to a number of factors outside of my control leading me to lose perspective and reality as to what was true and what was not both at home and work. It was at this time that this article came into my email inbox, and Tracy can I say a huge THANK YOU for the timeliness of it. You write words as someone who can articulate what many of us think, feel, do and experience, and I was able to sit down with my wife and my support person at work and show them the article as you were able to put into words those things that at the time were screaming at me from every corner of my mind. It was tremendously helpful at a time where I desperately needed help.
Again thank you, and so that I can contextualise how I became to the place where I am at now your book is happily on its way to me Down Under in Australia.
Best wishes always, Ken.
I have been dating a veteran with rapid cycling bi-polar disorder, and yes, it is a HUGE burden. I have severe social anxiety and major depression, so you can imagine that between the two of us, life is a bit hectic. We have been together 1.5 years, and just when I think things are going well, he starts getting manic or severely depressed, or I do. You could say we are both big burdens on each other but at least we have some personal experience and understanding to get us through the tough times.
However, he is currently manic, and has been for several weeks now, off and on. He is expressing severe anxiety and paranoia, much worse than I have seen in the past. I can’t talk him out of his convictions. I can’t reason with him. He simply believes what he feels to be true, and keeps saying he can’t explain it. His speech is rapid, and he’s been doing this thing where he can’t get to the point of what he is trying to say, but instead says everything else that pops into his mind on the way to the point. It is incredibly frustrating, and when we’re out with friends, it’s extremely embarassing. (Social anxiety, remember?) But that’s all part of the bi-polar brain I guess. All this to say that right now the burden feels very heavy. He is travelling home for Christmas in a few days, where he will spend time with his parents. I am hoping that he can normalize while he is at home, but I don’t know how possible this is.
What can I do to lessen the burden? What can I do to help him? He won’t take medication, he doesn’t have the money for talk therapy/counseling. (He blows through his money in his manic stages.) I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.
Will the fear ever go away? Not from anyone I’ve heard of. And yes, being worried about them leaving may be more annoying than the reasons you’d think they’d leave for.
They say the only thing you can control is yourself, and even that isn’t true. Here, insert cliches about “being the best you that you can be”, “live in the moment instead of worrying about the future”, “whenever one door closes another opens” etc. Best I think most people can do is learn to accept that anxiety, use whatever skills to keep it under control, and recognize there are no guarantees that kind of split won’t happen – but if it does, it may be for lots of reasons, not necessarily because you’re a burden, and not necessarily anything you have any control over.
Fear it? I think I AM that for my family already. I lost a fiance probably due to it (before it was diagnosed) and it’s eating into my marriage because I struggle to meet my wife and my family’s expectations as a wage earner, travelling companion, Mr Fixit for many kinds of issues. Such and such needs to be fixed but I don’t feel emotionally capable to fix anything, I don’t feel I can concentrate hard enough to even think through the issues to reach solutions let alone carry the solutions out. These issues and some others climbed on top presently have me overwhelmed. Oh, I’ve got through worse before, but I didn’t know how bad it would be before I got there! And now, I don’t know if it will become so bad again, but if it is going to approach how bad it was before, I don’t want to go through that again.
I don’t really fear that my husband will ever leave me, but I do feel like a burden on him and that he misses out on things that would make his life better because of me.
I actually used to be the bigger bread winner between my hubby and I, but that changed 12 years ago when I became extremely sick with bipolar disorder. I’ve basically been on disability for most of these years save some months here and there in between hospitalizations and IOPs. Then 7 years ago I lost my job for good and started to collect SSDI. All of my medical and medication bills (huge amount of money) and my reduced income make it harder for us. We’ve been lucky to keep our house, but we’ve really had to cut back on a lot, and I have not saved for retirement for most of 12 years. My husband’s retirement savings isn’t as good as it should be either. My husband hates his job but feels stuck in it. If I was working maybe he’d have more flexibility to change. I feel guilty about that.
I’m home all day long and sometimes I can’t manage too many chores and errands. I do some. I guess it could be worse, but he has to be involved with the big stuff. I try to keep the house tidy, but I’m not perfect. I’m often in bed in my safe place with my computer. Like right now. My husband even kept on our twice per month housekeeper even though that is an extravagance for us. But honestly cleaning the nitty gritty is sometimes more than I can handle. Even he does some of the nitty gritty cleaning sometimes. You’d think a disabled housewife (with no kids) could handle all of that, but I can’t all of the time.
The only thing I still do and I really try to do especially well is cook for my husband. I feel like it’s the last true treat he gets from me. I’m a very good cook and always have been. I almost feel like if I ever stopped that (which I have when I’ve been very sick) that his feeling of being burdened would be more pronounced.
I do intend to step up more. I hope to get a part-time job soon. My husband and pdoc want me to start off very slowly. Fast moves tend to destabilize me. Yes, I want to be more productive. I don’t know how it is for other people with bipolar, but I struggle with lack of productivity unlike long ago in the past when I was super productive. Honestly, I think my medications have something to do with it. My husband agrees so doesn’t hold it against me. My pdoc and I are trying to wean me off one of my meds, but it is hard. I’ve been having withdrawal symptoms.