Every day I fight bipolar disorder. I have to because every day my bipolar disorder requires fighting. Every day, bipolar disorder is at the forefront of my mind. Every day, I have to do all the things that are required to improve (or at least maintain) my mental health. Every day, I have to fight the bipolar depression that makes me exhausted and upset. Every day, I have to focus on medication and schedules and sleep. Every day, every day, every day.
And my reward for all of these fighting and fighting and fighting of the bipolar disorder? If I’m lucky, it’s the reward of not being sick. If I’m lucky, my reward is feeling like one of the normals for one day – a way that other people feel without putting any work into it at all.
And if I’m not lucky? My reward is just another day with illness, with me expending hopeless amounts of energy in a seemingly-impossible fight to stay alive.
Yay me.
Fighting Bipolar and Feeling Like a Failure
It’s so often that I use all my coping skills and all my weapons to fight the bipolar disorder only to find that it has done no good at all. I’m still unbelievably depressed. I’m still immovably exhausted. I still can’t work the hours I want. I still have to spend too much time resting. I still can’t get the things done I need to. I just feel like, even though I fight so hard, I get nowhere. It’s like treading water – you never actually get anywhere but if you’re lucky you just don’t drown.
It feels pointless. It feels like failure. And it feels unfair. It feels unfair to put in so much work and effort only to see the reward of getting nowhere. I feel like the laziest person on the planet. I feel like the most futile. I feel like the least successful.
What is Success When Fighting Bipolar Disorder?
The thing is, I know I have to adjust my expectations when it comes to the definition of success with bipolar disorder. I have written about it again and again and I know what success with bipolar looks like. It looks like taking a shower. It looks like grocery shopping. It looks like writing an article for a client. It looks like getting out of bed. I know that’s the deal with bipolar. I know the deal is tiny goals. I know the deal is tiny wins. I know the deal is downsizing expectations to teensy, achievable tasks. It’s just that all of this feels like failure when compared to what I actually want to do.
What I want is to achieve actual things. What I want is good days. What I want is a day where I don’t expend every ounce of energy just writing one article – I want a good day where I write five, or even ten – you know, the number required to make a living. Basically I want the life stolen by the bipolar back and anything less just feels like tedious, monotonous, incremental failure.
Getting Over the Feeling of Failure When Fighting Bipolar
I think the only thing to do, though, is to just get over it. Part of the feeling of failure comes from the bipolar depression itself – I know that – and the only thing you can do with the lies that depression tells you is just to get over them. Ignore them. Fight them with logic. Stand up and shout them down.
Because, as I recently stated, bipolar is a disability like any other and fighting it – and even losing – isn’t a failure, it’s actually success. It’s not giving in to a foe that is so often bigger than you are. It’s fighting something that’s actually trying to kill you, so not dying? That’s a pretty big deal.
But in saying all of that, I am tired. I am tired of what it takes out of me and I’m angry that I have to do it at all. Normal feelings given the course of a lifelong, debilitating illness but still wholly unpleasant, to say the least.
I was downsized out of a clerical job after 43 years of service. My savings are less than $20,000 (RRSP) and I have $14,000 of visa debt. I am currently in the process of being evicted from my one bedroom rental apartment suite where I’ve lived alone for 43 years. My building is gonna be torn down and replaced with an expensive skyscraper. I’ve paid cheap rent for the past 43 years but I am now terrified because I’ve discovered the average rent for a basic studio suite is going for $1,800 in my area and will only go up overtime. I’ve also discovered there is a HUGE waitlist for affordable housing. The current vacancy rate is less than 1%. I am frozen in fear that I am going to end up homeless. I don’t drive therefore I would not have so much as a car to sleep in. I was sexually abused as a child and freak out every time my GP suggests a simple pap exam (it’s excruciatingly painful). It’s the reason why I avoid sex and especially these type of exams. I have no children and my prospects of ever dating or getting married is nil. I feel so alone. I suffer from bipolar, am currently medicated, but I’m weary of fighting this disease with all the challenges that go along with it. I can’t stop crying, I feel utterly exhausted. I just want to give up. My world keeps getting smaller and smaller as the years go by. I have nothing to look forward to and it’s highly doubtful that anyone would even miss me if I were gone
Ditto, in spades!
Natasha,
Thank you for all your comments. I believe my only daughter of 49 years, just gave up after fighting bipolar for about 30 years. She left a note saying she was a burden to everyone she loved because of who she was. She took her own life the end of last February, leaving her family and friends with a huge burden to live with without her in our lives. At age 76 I am doing my best to try to understand why she gave up. I have read through over 3 years of daily emails from her and finally realized that her life really was like hell on earth. Maybe I would also have given up if I had experienced all her pain with job losses, hospitalizations, broken relationships, low self esteem, hopelessness, etc.
I just found this website 2 days ago after Googling the phrase ” What do I do when I am through…(make that completely drained) with Bipolar disorder and give up?” Natasha, 95% of your numerous articles concerning what you have written about this disease does indeed come as comforting advice and life lessons…except when you stated at the end of last year that “You (i.e. everyone) must continue to fight”. That sounds alot like “What’s wrong with you..pull yourself up by your bootstraps!”…an extremely ignorant saying from the South. Everyone knows with this disease/disorder that it is not nor has anything to do with laziness or lack of perseverance. I was finally diagnosed with severe depression in my early 20’s and have actively, fervently as well as completely voluntarily sought out and many times fought for my rights to be treated by the so-called Mental Health Specialists which as everyone here knows can be hit and miss depending on their competence. Today I turned 53 and have been only aware approximately 6 weeks earlier that I was actually diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder after coming across some medical documents with a list of my health problems. The pieces fell into place after discovering this like a punch in the gut! I have committed the past 30 years to learning as much as I could about mental illness…all types of mental illnesses for my own personal benefit as well as to be able to understand so many others I have encountered suffering throughout this journey. Sadly, now it all makes sense..if you could call 3 decades of up and down hell “sense”. I understand now that it will never end. With Bipolar 2 disorder I don’t experience the extreme manic episodes of being unstoppable/untouchable…only a month to several months sometimes I get even close to a year until the inevitable crash. At first I thought it originated from losing my mother at the age of 7 and the 2 years leading up to the end of her battle with cancer..having to comprehend when you’re only 5…Why is Mommy so sad and why is Daddy so violently angry after he drinks after work at home…must be something I did to cause this? But the hard times/trauma lasted throughout adolescence all the way through high school and even while away at college…more never-ending trauma. Like a curse…things happening that I had no control over nor had anything to do with my as yet unrecognized illness. Today on my 53’d birthday as I am looking back on what has happened only in the last 2 1/2 years…I moved to Austin after being sole caregiver to my elderly, extremely ill alcoholic father for 8+ years until he died. I finally thought..”Whew, made it through that and survived”…Now, only great expectations and positive things to look forward to only to have my leg snap in half after getting out of bed in my brand new apartment…just by normally taking a step towards the bathroom–thus ending up in the hospital immediately to put it back together, then being moved to a nursing home for 3 months for physical therapy..only the physical therapy was never approved, so I just laid in bed, depressed once again in the nursing home surrounded by poor sick, dying elderly patients..helpless in a new city knowing no one. My only solace was the once in the morning, once in the evening 1 hour phone call coming from my big brother like clockwork in his loving way to desperately attempt to lift my spirit on a daily basis. The time spent there was during the holidays so it was extra depressing..November, December of 2013, then New Year’s 2014 just lying there waiting on the PT part to be approved. Finally in late January 2014 my new elderly next door neighbor decided sometime early in the morning that it would be the best way out to put a plastic trash bag over his head and smother himself to death…he was successful in his endeavour and I was startled awake around 4:00 AM when a nursing assistant did a check and discovered his lifeless body in his wheelchair in the bathroom, then alerting 911 and while everyone else slept I got the benefit of hearing and watching as the authorities rushed in. When my brother called later that morning, I told him that was the final straw for me and I wanted out of there before I lost my mind! I figured by then that I could just as easily finish recuperating at home in my own bed, in my new apartment with my poor cat who thought I had abandoned him for over 3 months. So my brother says tell me when and I will drive up and get you the hell out of there…and so he and his daughter, my only other living relative did just that in February 2014. Coincidentally my physical therapy was approved the day before I left, so they sent a therapist to my home to begin the next 3 months of treatment to get me back on my feet. Once again I’m thinking thank goodness that’s over and I am back on my way again soon. But then first week of August 2014, my hero..my big brother who had always been the healthy one..never sick or in the hospital experienced severe stomach pains out of the blue while working in the yard…long story short, he died tragically 6 weeks later from advanced stage 4 liver cancer and kidney failure after being diagnosed finally 10 days before passing. Total shock accompanied by complete crash after his memorial service. When things just keep happening one after another how many times do I have to pick myself back up, dust myself off, fake a smile and continue this never-ending cycle(s)..waiting for the next inevitable crash? (Now that I am aware of the bipolar 2 enemy lurking inside my head) I am already biologically hardwired to crash anyway! Just 7 weeks after losing my brother I am struck by a drunk driver that ran through a red light I was attempting to cross through while working 10 hour shifts, 6-7 days a week at my new job, trying my best to once again put the pieces back together and move on, but now with no family left except my 22 yr old niece far away in another city finishing up her last year at college. She certainly doesn’t need to know my problems nor would I entertain the thought of burdening her…she’s still grieving (as am I) over the sudden, unexpected loss of her dad. More coincidences? Bad luck, God, Karma..WTH? Somebody give me a break! Now I can’t work for the next 2 months because of the injuries from the drunk driver and have been evicted from my apartment a few days shy of Christmas 2014 still recuperating…also now with an eviction on my record permanently after 35 years of perfect rental history. Then the day before I must vacate my apartment with nowhere for myself or my beloved cat to live after searching through more than 3,000 ads for roommates/apartments/ homes a place opens up and surprisingly I’m not going to end up homeless after all. Anyone reading this noticing a pattern?…Up, Down, Up, Down…repeat. So I pulled myself up once again but after returning to work in the beginning of January 2015, within the next 5 months I will be in a total of 3 more automobile accidents…1 hit and run, 1 uninsured and yet another 2nd drunk driver. Yes, I have pending claims against all but the hit and run but they will be going into litigation instead of being settled as my attorneys have led me to believe up until January 2016 which means they could go on fighting for years. I’m less than 6 days away from being homeless, I have lost everything I have no home, no car, cannot work, my lifelong possessions..pictures, memories..all the collections over the year that represents me and my successes and failures are gone and my physical health is rapidly declining along with my ability to think clearly or make necessary decisions. There are no shelters with room for me, my phone will be cut of in 6 days, I have reached out to every state agency available to no avail as well as charities with no luck. I would rather put an end to all of this misery while I am still able to think coherently, because I refuse to accept that in less than a week from my 53’d birthday, I too will be come another nameless, sick, hungry, mentally ill homeless person living on the streets! I’m fed up with the system, out of time and emotionally raw and exhausted.
9-13-18 .. I just came across this site. I was told 3 days ago I have bipolar 2. 43 years old and it makes sense. But I feel like a failure. I feel like a nothing. I’m sad. So sad. I don’t have a why. Then I read this, and now I need to know if you’re ok. I hope you are. Nothing would make me feel better than that right now.
Natasha you’ve so eloquently described how I feel most days but alot of the time I am able to muster the strength to fight back the negative self talk but not today. Today I spent the WHOLE day trying to hang just one simple strand of Christmas lights even though I’m not a big fan of Christmas. I thought maybe hanging lights might brighten my mood somehow. Things didn’t go so well. I cried on an off for hours until I was void of emotion, unfortunately my frustration also turned to cutting. At first the strand got inextricably tangled up, then when I finally resolved that issue I couldn’t get it to stick to the glass without an enormous amount of patience and tape. It kept falling off. After I was done instead of being proud of my minor accomplishment for the day I just didn’t care anymore. I went for a walk to the store without a coat in 45 degree weather but didn’t feel anything physically because I was so numb, emotionally. I had dissociated. Afterwards I came home, had a bath and went to bed.
Renee
I cant say I understand how you feel becuse that would not be autherntic , but I do understand how it feels.I dont know if it gets better or worse, but what I do know is there is something inside us that keeps us going. For me its love. The love for my wife and my son. Whatever you may have that is special to you, keep that in your heart when you have those rough days. I wish you peace.
so thankful to have found more “me’s” I do have a wonderful husband ,a son who really cares ,he is studying psycology – go figure- :) and some wonderful friends. But bipolar -depression is the lonliest state on earth to be in as far as i know. Reading what I have so far has helped ,just to know there are other people that battle this incredible tiredness…….Getting the meds right and avoiding triggers is about all i can do at the moment. Will share more soon. Lotsa love to you all
I found this website couple days ago. Tears streamed down my face. I had never heard anyone describe going through the same struggles as I do with bipolar. The exhaustion which prohibits much at all to be accomplished in one day. When I get up in morning and have 1 cup of coffee all seems possible. I even commit to things which inevitably I fail to accomplish. So yes I set myself up for failure. People around me know my “label” bipolar. But they have no idea what it really means. I’m given advice all the time as in do volunteer work,go to more AA mtgs go every day, come to party at 8:00 at night or get together in afternoon when I have to nap. They do not understand why I say no. So they keep trying to convince me. No doesn’t seem to suffice. In the end I feel like a failure. Everyday. No one understands except my husband and my mom because my dad had bipolar exactly like mine. So not only do I struggle with getting thru a day I deal with humiliation of my limitations. Lately the one thing I can do is paint. It is so rewarding. The only thing is I have to limit that too or I’ll start to head into mania. Thank you all for being there and sharing honestly. I feel free to say some days I think I cannot face the rest of my life this way. Tried suicide twice finally realizing the effect on my family so it is no longer an option. I look forward to hearing all of your experiences. Thank you so much.
How to do get over the anger/resentment of having this illness, while others have kids, good jobs, with average effort
and those same people don’t believe that you’re sick enough not to have been able to accomplish the same goals? I have felt bad for so many years. I have been in therapy for so many years. Feel inferior and sad.
Gena ~ You absolutely are NOT a bad person, I can tell you for sure. Bipolar puts us in these impossible situations, where there is NO “good” decision or choices to be made…only bad ones and less bad ones. If we didn’t have this disease….then, and only then, would we know just exactly what our “true” personalities and values really are. We don’t get the chance to express them like other people do though, because this mother f-er called bipolar gets in our way. You know what though…even as I’ve sat in a darkened room for hours and hours, in despair because my life is a shadow of what it could have been (or what I think it could have, in any case)…I’ve thought about all those people around the world who DON’T have even a darkened room, because they have no home, or because they are oppressed and killed for what they believe, or have no food in a refrigerator waiting for them – even if I can’t manage to find the energy to go and get anything to eat right now. We are blessed in other ways that many in the world would gladly take in a heartbeat. Still yet, it robs us…of many things we hold dear. But you are not alone, or suffering alone….and thank you once again Natasha as I’ve said many times for your wonderful blog.
I just want to shout out to Michael. I really feel for you and your friends dropping you because of the bipolar. I
only have one friend I see in person in Los Angeles and three friends back in Texas that I talk over the phone with and I know you’d be happy with that. It is so hard to make friends in your forties anyways and then trying to meet decent ones in L.A. where i lives is a monumental task with so many very rude people. I think I may give up
trying to make friends here becuase I just keep getting hurt with my bipolar and all. Just know that I would be your friend if I could. Bless everyone on this site and I have been crying through it because I didn’t realize that so many things that are wrong in my life are caused by my bipolar not because I’m a bad person.
Keep on in there, Tracey. Maybe your creativity and writing talent spring from your BP.
I was tired today by an hour in the dentist’s chair. I had to exercise great control, breathe deeply and try to ignore the occasional pain. He told me to think of pleasant things. But I had a thought that perhaps I wasn’t worth that much work and might not get much wear out of the new crown… I also had flashbacks to Laurence Olivier as the Nazi dentist in “Marathon Man”. But after a few groans I wa released, exhausted. To cheer myself up on the way home I did some retail therapy – not too manic as there were great reductions on really nice classic clothes in my new size (have lost 9 kg in 3 months). Now I’m only good for TV & the Internet & then sleep to deal with another day… But Bible class tomorrow definitely helps.
Very well written, as always… I have bipolar type II and that text describes perfectly what we go though. I too spend most of my energy just writing one or 2 posts for my blog, and the day will end after that, I will feel with no energy left on my brain and it will take me one or two days to recover that same energy back.
Thank you for saying that we are not what we feel… We aren’t losers, we are still alive and that is our goal, no matter what we lose in the process! I’ve finally understood why I was feeling like a loser, I was trying to live like a “normal” person without limitations and there for pushing and expecting too dam much of myself. I am in the process of understanding my limitations and my capacity to deal with my life in a sustainable way, and that hurts. One day at the time… Always a pleasure to read you!
Hi everyone! I just discovered this website, and feel like I have finally found a safe haven. I was amazed to see so many others express it as a fight. I just said the very same thing to my spouse. It feels like hanging on to the edge of a rocky cliff and your fingernails just keep scraping and digging. I try not to look down as the dirt & pebbles go by, I’m trying to look up so I can see the sun.
Wow! I just saw my doctor yesterday and I tried to describe this very same thing to him. How I feel like I have to “fight” everyday. Every choice is a fight. I have to fight to read one more chapter in my book, I have to fight to answer the phone when a friend calls, I have to fight to smile at people at work, etc… It’s just a continuation of ongoing little battles every day. Never do I just get to go through the day and not think about bipolar disorder.
Your words mirror my thoughts and feelings precisely.
I found this site today after reading The Daily Beast’s expose re Natasha Tracy. The comments of each person hit home with me. Living in a rural area where there are no support groups or understanding of bipolar II disorder causes me to sometimes feel very lonely in my struggle. I am 64 and was treated for decades with every antidepressant available; I suspect this worsened my illness by causing mixed states, hypomania, rapid cycling and maybe it increased the depression.. I have lost count of the suicide attempts. My mother thinks I am bipolar because I smoked pot in college, so I get no support from her. If my husband of 43 years weren’t a saint I know I would have died long ago. (Despite my name, I am female..) Now on mood stabilizer combinations without antidepressants I do better but am far from being “normal”. I look forward to reading the posts here hoping you will welcome me to this group. Thank you, Natasha.
Dammit Ricky, you are not alone! Always remember that…even though you may not have people in your rural town that understand…thousands of us do. Continue reaching out, we will continue to respond. Especially on (thank God for) Natasha’s blog. You have reason to hope, believe it or not. We all do. That’s hard for me to understand on some days, but I think it’s true. You can even contact me directly if you’d like, if you want to share your contact info…I know it’s not just me who would step up, for sure! Stay strong Ricky…I personally am counting on you :)
I couldn’t say it better myself. I’m just so tired, tired of how I am perceived by others and tired of fighting it.
Definitely! It’s exhausting.
I feel the same
When I lament my inability to hold even a volunteer job (I’ve been disabled since 2002), my husband tells me that fighting bipolar is a full-time plus a part-time job. He says I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I don’t get vacations. That puts it in perspective for a lot of us.
Oh My Goodness! Your husband nailed it! Thank you!
Each day is a struggle.
Will it get easier?
Thank you for writing this blog. I started treatment for bipolar I almost 2 years ago, after years of self-medicating via alcohol, caffeine, exercise, sex, you name it.
I felt I was one of the lucky ones, as the first thing we tried – Lithium – worked like a charm. I did switch to an ER formulation after some stomach upset, but that was it, really, but for a mild tremor. Then, after 6 months or so, we found that lithium was suppressing my thyroid, so I went on thyroid hormone, and all was well again.
Now, I’m in the middle of a divorce that’s turned ugly. I earn a good income, have a staff that reports to me, work long hours, and I have 3 kids that mean the world to me. And I can’t do it all anymore. The stress is killing me–and I put myself under enormous stress because I know I’m not as good at work as I can be, as I should be, and worse yet, I feel like I am failing my kids. I’m second-guessing myself and my interactions, like, ‘was that bipolar speaking? Was I too harsh?’ And of course the divorce is bankrupting me on top of all else.
So any way, a couple weeks back the NP from my psych practice called to talk about my blood work. My lithium level was low, below what’s considered therapeutic. I take 1200 mg/day, kind of a lot really. I told her I felt fine, not to worry. Why did I lie? I am generally pathologically honest; why did I lie to this woman whose job is to help me?
I think I was worried about side effects of taking an even higher dose of lithium, or an add-on, or whatever, and also just didn’t want to disappoint her. I know that doesn’t make sense. But, reading this post, I realize that, while I was feeling OK right that moment, I had this dawning sense that the last couple of years were just the beginning, that my charmed existence (for I had felt better than ever before in my adult life since starting treatment) would end, or at least be punctuated by these setbacks. That I wasn’t quite past the awful days of contemplating physical violence against fellow train riders for being loud on the quiet car, the nights of catatonia and insomnia, the mornings full of dread for the coming work day. The imposture, the putting on a brave face and soldiering on, producing the bare minimum to get by personally and professionally.
It’s a real kick in the teeth, but I realize that I have to get help to get this fixed, or at least make it better. I want to get back to feeling like me. Someday the divorce will be over, but I have to see myself through it in order to see my family through it.
On a practical note – anyone have any advice on anti-anxiety measures? Exercise helps for me but is not a cure-all, esp. when I can’t bring myself to walk out the front door. I”m open to anything – medication, meditation, you name it.
Thanks again, Natasha, and all the best to you.
Check out Holosync meditation. I have been medicated with antidepressants and anti-psychotics for 15 years. But I felt I could never do anything “normal”, like hold a full-time job.
Get this, I have completed the Holosync meditation program, but I feel that I was never able to completely enjoy the benefits of this meditation program because of my being on meds.
Last July, I was trying to start a business, I missed a dose of my meds for _one_ day, and I felt overwhelming anxiety the next day. I realized that, if I was not on any medication, I wouldn’t have this problem. So I decided to slowly withdraw from my medication, with the doctor’s help.
*So*, my advice to you is, start a program like Holosync, and when you feel ready, (I’m sure many people on this blog would disagree with me on this:) *slowly* taper off your medications. But be careful–you will likely get many symptoms back in the short term, every time you reduce the dosage (discontinuation syndrome). So be very careful about this. (My previous attempts at eliminating meds failed because 1) I did it abruptly and 2) I did it with*out* the doctor’s help–ie writing a prescription for a reduced dose)
I am looking forward to being medication free by the middle of this year
However, reducing my psychiatric meds has been probably the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, and maybe the hardest thing I will ever do.
So if you have an extra hour a day, try Holosync.
You are correct Ganesh, there are many people myself included who feel this is a very dangerous road to go down. There are countless stories of people going off their meds, without a doctor’s knowledge or approval of course, who rapidly spun into very destructive episodes of mania, with major or even tragic results. The reason why people take medication to address this disease is because medications work. Finding the right mix is not always an easy matter, but many hundreds of thousands or millions of people have found effective treatment over the years with the proper medications. That said, lifestyle also plays a huge role in therapy, and as an *adjunct treatment meditation and many other therapies such as counseling can help to reduce episodes and allow people to live more “normal” lives. But once again, advising people to reduce or stop taking their medications with the express approval of their supporting psychiatrist would be the height of irresponsibility.
“without” the express approval
Natasha,
Been reading your blog from about a month. You really helped me get through the holidays. I’m also high functioning. Managing my expectations is hard because of the incredible things I accomplish during a mania. Every day though, all the discipline and the decisions…ok if I vary off my schedule of med’s exercise and healthy eating and let er rip and have TWO glasses of wine or a beer tonight…I won’t sleep all night and be a wreck the weekend. If I eat that yummy piece of bread and have desert, I will be crying in an hour. Or maybe I will do everything right and STILL be a mess all weekend. One is assured, one not.
I also have been thinking a lot lately of how very very tired I am with all of it. Especially after a 3 month success with a mood stabilizer and feeling blessedly “normal” to having to come off it because of a rash. But then I read your post, and realize there is another weary traveler out there. We do need to hang in there, to keep trying. My partner works at a rehab facility, and there are people that are constantly working (gene research, new drugs) to help us. Thank you for this blog, thank you for your honesty, it truly helps.
Preach.
Natasha, I feel like you read my journal! I have had such a problem with downsizing my expectations. I am use to being a high achiever. That’s probably because I of my manic episodes. But it has gotten to the point where my goal list is get out of the bed, take a shower, try not to get back in the bed.
I appreciate you putting my thoughts into words. I’m sorry you have to experience these symptoms as well, but I do appreciate your ability to put the words to the feelings. It makes me feel like I’m not insane and I’m definitely not alone.
Natasha ~ Once again, you’ve written an eloquent article that articulates how I feel on a daily basis…and this coming from a fellow writer! (Maybe because we can work from home, and I ain’t “firing me”…so at least you can’t call it unemployed!) Getting off the canvas over and over and over after being knocked down again is exhausting. I liken it to a sandcastle. I spend all day working on it, sculpting and shaping it, rebuilding bridges that have been burnt the last time. And then the tide starts to come in. And I stand there defiantly, trying to stop the sea from ruining what I’ve just created. And each time, I cannot…and my sandcastle is blown away. The next morning I wake up…head back out to the beach with my bucket and shovel, and begin rebuilding again. Each time the tide eventually comes in and destroys what I’ve created. Each time I say “ENOUGH! I CANNOT BUILD any more sandcastles!!” But I’m a stubborn SOB, so have no other option but to start again. But the pain of never getting what I truly want in life, because I can’t ever stay stable enough to have it, is a stabbing pain that rarely leaves my side…the “happy lives” of my family and friends, if there is such a thing, are constant reminders that I will never have what they have. And they take it for granted!! I know most of us have felt like that at one point or another…pissed off that normal folks have no idea how good they have it. Their sandcastles rarely get knocked down…or, at least…far less frequently. Not so often that they come to expect it over and over again. Wait. Hold on a second; do you hear that? In rolls the tide, again…
“It’s just that all of this feels like failure when compared to what I actually want to do.” I can totally relate to this statement Natasha. I work weekly with my therapist and she is constantly telling me to break things down step by step, bit by bit… and it gets old to hear that sometimes but there is a grain of truth in it. I have slowly (I mean slowly like three years now) been recovering from the depression side of bipolar. The progress has been so slow that the small successes often feels invisible. The lack of passion and desire in my life often leaves me feeling empty and sometimes hopeless as well but I push ahead anyhow. When I feel like I’m sinking into that feeling of being or feeling like a failure, I try to focus on what I have to be grateful for. I know that may sound typical or contrived but sometimes it can shift my thoughts and mood a little bit. I think in western culture we often believe that we have to do something big with our lives or we are considered a failure. We live in a culture where “bigger” and “brighter” is better. I think it’s great that you allow yourself to really feel what you do and honestly share it with the rest of us. It makes it more OK for the rest of us to do the same. I think it’s common to under estimate your accomplishments while depressed. Natasha, you have helped and inspired more people that you probably can imagine. Touching people’s lives with hope is a gift.
I guess the 2 failures that haunt me the most
Would be the fact that,although accepted to a prestigious uni in Toronto,I had a breakdown…simply couldn’t cope.
Somehow,think I’ll never be able to let than one go…as I worked so hard,when the letter came I was nearly
screaming thru the house.
The last,now I see,I’m super unwell …as of course this would be number one.
I feel I never got to say everything I felt I wanted / needed to my Dad when he was dying ,same with my lovely mum.
So,I carry a lot .
Excuse me,I will be able to write then I’m unable,like my brains full of novocaine or something.
Hope everyone is doing well ( not like this,sheesh.)
Ciao
Sandra
Natasha,
Thank you for your article. I know what you mean about getting tired…the fight gets soooo old! But as I blogged about my need to rest this January, I reposted last January’s blog about two January’s past…and do you know what I noticed? Progress! Yes, every January I struggle, but every year the struggle is a little LESS debilitating. So maybe we need to not look at our days, but our years? Maybe we just grow deeper through this life of struggle, maybe we grow stronger? Maybe strength is something that can’t be measured in a 24 hour cycle?
I am always here to talk and cheer you on. You are amazing.
Your friend,
Taylor Arthur
Thank you for your blogs. 3 months ago I was diagnosed Bipolar I, after a couple of other misdiagnosis. I understand how it feels to be tired of fighting and then trying to be self sufficient with no progress. It is uplifting to know other people experience what I go through with such exact measure. I miss my assertive, productive life, the one where I had many wins the most. I thank you for the suggestion of making reachable goals.
Xoxoxo
LR
Oh yes!
I’m so with you…if you only knew…
Some days,it’s an effort to even call someone back…
It truly is exhausting & I agree 100% & have said to family I feel I’ve had the life sucked out of me.
That my life is so …meds organizing prescriptions staying away from triggers keeping all appointments….
Like,I’m missing out…no FUN?
Not meaning clubbing or drinking,or self destructive shit…but things I used to love..example reading & books…
Sadly,haven’t been able to finish a book…a start..then a chapter in…something will occur …I want to VERY MUCH
Damn this illness!
I feel like still I’m acting w the normals …( not Drs or professionals) & even family now…sadly ( family)
You do get very pissed off when all your coping skills fail,absolutely …..that’s why I left a program 2 yrs ago
As they kept ( rather had the guts) to say I WASNT TRYING!!!
Why?
Cos I wouldn’t go to a stupid group ( not even for BP??)
At least my new Dr says he gets it says no groups it won’t work as I don’t feel comfortable doing it!
Thank you!
Another thing I get sick of is advocating for my rights SEEMINGLY MORE OFTEN THAN NOT.
Then the neighbours…being scared of me…stigmatizing.
Please,as in any illness each one of us has a different kind of BP & a different life story …..tired as well of the judgement of many of the hospital psychiatrists here……
Right now,I guess my main problem is close hypomania….hamster on wheel,very little sleep…..
THAT IS the SHITS.
Ex THEN IF you GO to YOUR DR & HE SAYS ……CANT DO….ANYTHING…
Awaiting my psychiatry appt on Monday afternoon trying to be positive…HAHA…WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN!
Sandra weeeeeeeeed
Natasha, You are the only person I know who can put into words with such articulation, about how it feels to live with Bipolar that I am constantly amazed. That has to be a big win..at least I look at what you do as a big win. It is a soul, mind numbing illness that there are days I want to cry and cry and cry some more. How dare these normal people criticize me for not being able to go shopping for hours, see a concert in full, not being able to get out of bed for many days, and just not feeling that hippity-do-da they THINK I should feel. I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry. This is my life – not every day, and for that I am grateful.
You, of all people, are not a failure. You achieve as much or more than anyone with bipolar. You achieve more than half the population who don’t have bipolar. But, it’s not just what you achieve, it’s also how you feel. Not just everyday sort of feelings but mindblowing, debilitation oppression of the illness. So don’t let it take who you are, yourself. So your arm has been cut off and it’s bleeding out. That won’t stop you from fighting; you will fight until you say you are finished, not because of the bleeding arm.
Hi Natasha –
You are the only person I ‘know’ who truly ‘gets it’ and there is no one out there as eloquent and inspiring.
A big thank you for your wonderful articles…
Every one of your words resonates with me. When I am a really bad phase ( now) success = simply staying alive. Thank you Xanax, Abilify, Lithium, Prozac, Stilnox. If you shake me I will probably rattle!! I managed to take my 2 month old nail polish off my toes today and felt as exhilerated as if I had won a Marathon!! Objective tomorrow new polish on!!
Like everyone else, I’m constantly amazed by how candid and succinct you are about your life with bipolar. You continue to amaze me with your mental fortitude.
And even though I recently lost my engagement due to my partner’s bipolar and so now absolutely hate this disorder, your words still inspire within me compassion for those diagnosed with bipolar. It’s just a rubbish disorder all round but hopefully your words help others impacted by bipolar to deal with it better.
And for what it’s worth: what you manage to achieve with just writing one article per day provides so much clarity and help. I’ll take quality over quantity any day :)
Keep up the AMAZING work, Natasha. Please don’t ever stop :)
Hi David,
Sandra here,I just wanted to express my feelings of empathy towards you re your broken engagement.
But,as I wrote you in the email a long long time ago….
Bipolar women aren’t the easiest to deal w no matter how pretty or intelligent….
If we can push our own families to the brink ( I have too many times ,as many others have here you’d find)
My family hates bipolar I hate it.
I certainly don’t blame you ,& from a logical way of looking at relationships,I totally agree with your choice.
I don’t even go there w the dating game,not cos I’m not pretty funny or smart…
But I’ve so many mood triggers,besides I don’t like staying out late,don’t go clubbing.
Guess the thing I’d like only in eve would be dinner…but then….lots of guys here anyway,want to then…like go get a drink ( can’t drink) or go to a movie ( no,I’ve pain issues) so it just gets too complicated.
I once heard you really can’t have a real honest relationship w someone till you’ve one w yourself.
So,besides trying ( but in hypomania state now why I might topic jump)
To work my ass off w my psych for better meds to control the rapid cycling …I’m dating myself….sounds funny…
Kinda is but I’m really finding out every single thing I like,value ( well,my values were invested in me by mum & dad) dislike ,what’s worth continuing to advocate for learn about etc etc
Anyway you get where this is going…
I wish you well in your future endeavours & something makes me think it won’t be that long before something magical occurs ( not meaning engagement or bipolar chicks etc)
Best o luck
Sandra
You hit the nail on the head about small steps representing big wins when dealing with bipolar. I too am getting sick of having to deal with this disease of the mind. Having to lie to my friends to hide it is the hardest. Instead of being able to say I can’t get together because my meds are being changed, I instead plead strep throat. Telling them about my disease is not an option because many think bipolar means dangerous crazy person. I have been lucky to never have hallucinations or delusions of grandeur. Depression and extreme irritability yes, much so. And I am so very tired of the drug merry go round. Insisting one isn’t working and getting the doc to listen, instead to be told to raise the dosage or learn to live with panic or anxiety! And after reading many a tale about being wrongly treated with SSRIs I can only wonder if they destroyed my poor brain and made things worse. We can’t get anyone in the medical profession to admit they screwed up. There seems to be no accountability. I am fed up.
Gina.
Your words ring true. One thing I must say to you is be grateful you have friends. The STIGMA of this disease has driven all my friends and family away. It hurt me deeply but I no longer miss them. I just miss having people to converse with. I wish you and all of us some peace.
Whats so sinister about this is that I may have 2 normal (I have no idea what normal is ) days where I am feeling Ok and I go to bed late or do something out of the ordinary for me, etc and then the next day I pay for it real bad. To this day I still don’t believe I have it during those ok days and then I am reminded and scolded and beaten to a pulp. My therapist told me last night that I need to take it minute by minute.. It used to be day by day. I would lije to get back to day by day. Fish oil sucks. :)
Once again, you nailed it in words I couldn’t find. I wanted and still want, and still plan to do so much with my life. Everyday is a disappointment that that isn’t going to happen because I am too busy just trying to survive. I work really hard on counting my blessings and thanking God for the little things, the color of the sky, a kiss from a puppy, and the few minutes something took my mind off the fight.
I still wake up everyday with great plans only to have them fall by the wayside as my disorder comes to the front and I have to use all my coping skills to try and keep from falling into the abyss.
So disappointing, but I will continue to make great plans for my day and my life, for without that hope, that today will be a good day, why get up.
Thank you Natasha, I really appreciate your clarity, hang in there!