“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I’ve heard this statement my whole life, I think. I’ve always been driven. I was driven at school when I was young, I was driven at university and I’ve been driven in the work force. I have never been “easy” on myself. I’ve been mostly perfectionistic. No matter how unachievable perfection is, it always seems to be what drives me, regardless.
But, what I’ve found, is that being hard on myself is required in bipolar disorder in order to succeed. Hugging my inner child and being gentle isn’t the kind of thing that gets me out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is hide under the covers. No; ripping the covers from my body and kicking myself is the only thing that does. I have to be hard on myself or I would just never stand up straight and function.
Being Hard on Myself Because of Bipolar
And this goes for pretty much all areas of life. Unlike normal people, I have no motivation. Bipolar depression has stolen all my inner, innate motivation. So the only thing left is how hard I am on myself. I make it unacceptable not to do what needs to be done. I make it unacceptable to fail. I make it unacceptable not to get my writing done. I make it unacceptable not to cook dinner. I make it unacceptable not to make deadlines. I simply make not achieving unacceptable and, yes, I tend to beat myself up if I don’t meet any of those goals. I tend to feel bad if I end up doing what I deem unacceptable. It’s part and parcel. I have to be hard on myself when I don’t achieve otherwise I’ll never get up and try again.
People want to know how I succeed. This is how I do it. I beat myself with a stick repeatedly and force myself to do all the things my bipolar tries to stop me from doing.
But Why Can’t You Succeed Without Being Hard on Yourself?
Well, I suspect it goes like this.
I want to do nothing – ever. I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to eat breakfast. I don’t want to start work. I don’t want to continue work. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to clean the kitchen. I don’t want anything thanks to that pesky bipolar depression.
But I know, logically, I must get these things done. Living requires these things. And the only thing that can make up for a complete lack of motivation is a boot to the head. The only thing that makes up for it is such a tight grasp on my life that my fingernails are constantly leaving gashes in my existence. At least, this is my experience of bipolar depression. You may experience it differently.
So I’m in a cycle of demanding things from myself. Things that I don’t want. Things that I need. Things that are usually slightly out of reach. And then feeling bad if I don’t get them. That’s just the way productivity works in bipolar disorder. You have to constantly do what you don’t want and the only way you can is with extreme external control. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.
Celebrating the Wins with Bipolar
This isn’t to say that I don’t try to celebrate the wins in bipolar. When I have a day when I write an extra article or I do some extra work or answer some extra emails, I try to pat myself on the back. Regardless, though, the drive to complete more is always there. It feels like the only thing I know. It feels like the only thing that keeps me going. It feels like it’s the only thing that keeps me breathing. Relinquishing that control, that “being hard on myself,” just feels like it would see me collapse into a heap of decaying flesh. And no one really wants that.
Bipolar and Being Hard on Yourself
This is not to suggest that I think other people should pick up this coping mechanism and run with it. I’m not saying it’s the best way to do things or the healthiest – it’s just the way that I need to function in order to get things done. I have to be hard on myself or the bipolar will win.
If you have a better solution for being high-functioning during bipolar depression, feel free to share it below.
Such a wicked tangle…
I too need the external motivators, but for me it is in the form of chore/task lists.
I had an over-bearing Dad, so the ‘beat yourself up’ mechanism is working overtime, even on good days.
But I agree in the broader sense of needing motivation that is unavoidable, that cannot be ignored.
Many days it is the little notes I left the day before that get me going.
Yes, life is a vicious circle I think but I suppose making it angular into a triangle works almost as well but I think three angles is a bit short. I too see the chores task pressing as very important although if too involved they become oppressive. Just read an article recently somewhere that states through a little investigation that seniors as a whole in assisted living or similar circumstances live longer if they do small things daily. Watering plants in the room, picking up their own clothes, combing their own hair. The sorts of things that give someone some sense of control over themselves and their environment. This has been discussed and proven in other ways in the past and at least to me makes total sense. Sometimes it’s far better to ask if someone needs help then just assume it they do and do it for them. Even typing this I am learning more as I am doing more and more for my elderly mother and sometimes I think too much and sometimes to little. As in I’M deciding what she does and doesn’t need. Helping can turn into control if your not watching.
My father and mother both may have been overbearing but those things are not easily compared as most of us only have one of each. I think everyone understands that.
Short statement Greg but much wisdom and things to reflect upon. WN
Been doing all life harder with age and health I single parent a honor student in christian school must push on I forget to ask God for help WAS HAIRDRESSER CALLED IN A COUPLE TIMES SAID NOT COMMING CALLED BACK WILL BE IN CAN BE MISERABLE AT HOME OR WORK WORK MAKES MONEY TO LOWER STRESS AND SOCIAL HELPS A LITTLE I do not seem to see hypo manic people any where I am sure it is more rare or they are not refactoring They are cyclothymic I will repeat this observation ocassionally
When I find I’m tired and not motivated walking always seems to give me a little more energy to do things I really don’t want to do. I have my limitations but having a list of things to do helps. Today, I became very tired and knew I had to go to the bedroom where it’s quiet, cool and less lighting than the rest of the house. I knew I had to listen to meditative music and close my eyes for awhile. Then I play “words with friends” if my mind is really racing I definitely have to exercise and focus on trying to stop the irrational thoughts and fears. I can’t accomplish as much as I used to, but I try to set goals for each day that I know I can finish. If I can do more that’s even better. I guess it’s hard for me to lay around a lot because I start to feel guilty if I don’t get something done.
To me also walking does wonders Ratam. Sadly the pain in my spine has become so bad lately It’s so hard to walk and that just negates any positives it has. The circle will always kill you or help you. Without walking the cage just gets smaller for me day by day. same as you. Walking creates such inner peace with me. Feel same if that is what you are talking about in a quiet house. Close the blinds and read something good (light non-fiction for me). If the pain and the poverty would just abate a little and keep the wolves from the door, along with a good woman and a few other things that would be all I need. Good luck Ratam and keep walking. I too love it. Especially in the dead of night alone. My mind becomes so clear. As long as there are no abusive police on the prowl looking for the boogie man that lies within themselves. WN
I can definitely relate. What do I want to do??? That’s easy lay in bed and never have to move again, be in less pain, and maybe someone could drop off meals a couple of times a day. Now how practical is that… Not practical at all. The world doesn’t stop everytime someone new gets bipolar. If you can’t work towards making your life a little bit better then chances are you are pretty screwed as most likely no one else is going to do it either.
I get it – I live it everyday and have done so for the last 27 yrs. (I am 47). Being BP2 the only relief that I have found from the depression, lack of energy and the nagging negative thoughts has been Adderall. It appears that I have a overlap of ADD to go along with my BP2. I did a lot of research on the two disorders combing (far more prevalent then people think) and then I approached my doctor with my thoughts and he agreed to allow me to try Adderall. What a huge difference, things flow much better now, concentration is more fine tuned. I’m more relaxed and calmer. I get much more done during the day and I’m not wasting my energy like I was before. The best part is the negative thoughts and overblown irrational fears have subsided by 80%. Makes it so much easier to take risks in my life and career.
I envy your ability to “make yourself” do those things you don’t want to do. At this point in my bipolar life, I’m not able to do that. Sleeping too much, or simply staying shut up in the bedroom (in bed) all day is what I do. The thought of interacting with my family, taking a shower, doing housework is so difficult that most days I just give in and stay in bed.
I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing but due to the spinal problem I was born with I can only sleep about 14 hrs. max. before due to extreme pain I must get up. Same problem with sitting, standing, walking and so on but those times will vary. The sleeping or lying down time is almost always the same.
Just curious, how long can you sleep and you must rise due to severe pain and if no time limit if that is the case? No S really interested. Two days ago due to trying to force sleep had very long dream about being buried upright alive along with many others in a weird religious ceremony of some type in the deep south by old born again Christians. Think me telling myself time is short. Dreams are a mystery though. WN
This sounds like it would work. I have to say I will try this. There are sometimes when I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to get up or just do anything just like you. I’m glad that I find this site, I don’t have many people to talk too and I haven’t started to the therapy yet, end of the month. I’m glad I found some support!!! :)
I am 43 years old, and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder at the age of 18. I learned a lot about managing this disorder by the example NOT set by my father, who also had the disorder. I made my mind up early on to learn everything I could about it, and about myself. I know I must keep a tight reign on my “don’t want to’s” and be hard on myself to push forward through times of stress. I have learned that the more irons I have in the fire, the better I do. Lull time, unless away on vacation, is doom for me! I will quickly become fatigued and depressed. I also know that 5 hrs of sleep is my sweet spot. Less, and up goes my mood. More, and down I go. I also know that in times of stress, I need to stay away from carbs and really push the fruits and veg’s, almost becoming vegetarian during those times. We are all different, in all of these ways. BUT being hard-nosed and strict is needed to follow whatever your personal treatment and management plan is…without that, we would all succumb to this disorder. I, personally, have vowed not to do that!! Never give up, never give in!
I really enjoyed this article, and the “how to deal” it presents. I’ve spent far too many years excusing my behavior, babying myself, wallowing in my non-existent motivation, etc., and too many years have passed with me doing NOTHING and there’s a lot of regret. It never really occurred to me that the simple act of saying “it’s unacceptable to not take a shower” was an option “It’s unacceptable to put off paying the bills.” Even “It’s unacceptable to let your jewelry supplies sit there like paperweights” lol. I’m going to try this and see what happens. I have experienced trying to get “out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is hide under the covers.” And the solution of “ripping the covers from my body” was what I had to do. That, I know for sure, worked.
Yeah, It’s that easy. I’ll quit the Rx’s now. I’m cured. Sorry about any spelling the pills screw my eyes up. Let know how it goes. I should have told my father to have just got out of bed when he was dying of cancer couple of years ago. Gave him a kick in the ass. Would have been tough though he could turn over in bed. I guess I should have turned him over and kicked him.
Funny and predictable how the kick them in the ass people change when they really get sick. Seem to be the first crying for morphine and so on. WN
Uh… is this tirade directed at me? Because if it is, you’re waaaay off base on what I was trying to say.
This post helps me understand my bipolar husband a lot better. I told him once not to be so hard on himself. He replied, “Well, someone has to do it, and it’s sure as shit not going to be you!”
Being hard on yourself can be very useful for you, Natasha, but it can also very bad advice for some people. If I try doing that, I get into a spiral of frustration that takes me to very dark places (I hope I don’t have to elaborate here). I do a lot better just diving beneath the wave.
I am constantly beating my self up at times literally. For all the mistakes and failures that come with just living not mention being very bipolar. It has done nothing but made me lose my family and my home.
This might work for you, but I would never suggest this to someone I was trying to help. Self-Compassion and understanding is HUGELY important for someone who is Bipolar. When you have bipolar you are going most likely going to make huge blunders. You can’t have a perfect life and it is totally unrealistic for someone with bipolar disorder. You can still have standards even without beating the shit out of yourself. What it sounds you really need to work on if your motivation. I know that is a tall order. But there is SO Much research out there saying punishment is not the way our brain learns ( I won’t post any links because you don’t want that on you blog) I do believe you should hold yourself accountable. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.
I use to scream at myself and call myself a BItch. I blamed myself for my relationship with my boyfriend ending. I was hard on myself. I tried to be hard on myself to make myself do things. What i really needed was compassion. I needed to take my inner child and say it’s not your fault you have Bipolar. Be forgiving and understanding of yourself. Give yourself a break. That is what people need often times. A break from the nagging in their head. Beating yourself up is not the way to go. I highly doubt there is a therapist out there who would say beat the shit out yourself emotionally. Not the way to go!
Trisha,
Very realistic thinking!
Plus sounds as if you’ve made peace with your bipolar and it’s limitations …
Mostly I’m able to do so,but w/ out a good nights sleep…
It only takes a mere one bad nite …
It all crashes in on me….
My number one key to wellness SLEEP….even more than FOOD.
You can always catch up on food after a decent night…
Yes absolutely were all different,example I’m not a night
I must put my computer away at certain hr nothing remotely stimulating ex natural sugars ie fruits….
But for others,they can be online till 4-6 am.
I don’t judge them,they aren’t me vice versa.
Ciao.
So agreed!
I find the longer put some stuff off the more chaotic my brain becomes!
Plus I’m rather yes perfectionistic & stubborn.
Mantra,work first then reward ( healthy)
Example: 3 loads laundry staring at me,evil eyed ( joking)
Plus grotty dishes.
I say try 1/2 see…
Always end up completing task!
Which helps me feel better about myself!
I’m on 3 rd floor/ laundry room 1st.
No elevator so due to a severe back injury …that’s the extent of that days work.
Feels great to get it done,crossed off to do list have a hot bath/ chill whatever ,rewards are awesome
:-)
Hello Natasha, I am new to your site and this is the first post I have read. First, thank you for sharing your experiences. I do not have many in my life that understand the things I go through every day living with bipolar disorder so this should prove to be very helpful. I take being hard on myself to a new level in which I actually beat the he** out of myself internally. I do not remember a time in my life when I have not done this. My mind races to the point where I too cannot get out of bed but then I punish myself for not being able to rise to the occasion. Once upon a time I was extremely high functioning despite my illness. It seems that the busier I am, the less chance I have for my mind to wander off into the negative direction. But for the past two years my bipolar has been out of control. I have gained weight, stopped being active, lost many friends, been hospitalized 5 times, this does not even begin to describe the living hell I have experienced. It has been the hardest I have ever had to fight, truly a fight for my life. The most frustrating part of it is: I see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly and I do not skip my medication. It is a common misconception that people only hit rock bottom when they are not taking care of themselves like skipping medication and so forth. What do you do when all the tools in your tool box are used up?
Warmest regards,
AT
Dear Amy..
Welcome!
I honestly hope you don’t not read this due to another comment posted….
I understand the feelings you are describing,only too well…
What I’ll say is this…I used to ask others exact similar queries,what do I do?
Any tools in your toolbox?
Since I always say no 2 people are alike even in bipolar,the different kinds,which I’m sure your aware of..
I wanted to be a Dr ( not psych) failed at uni due to a massive breakdown.
Been in hospital 12 times….
Been to the dark side & came out on my own….
As long as there’s breath in your body,your worth it.
None of it is anyone’s fault,it’s same w me.
I’m still on the daily bipolar roller coaster.
I can tell you i know my triggers & I adhere to a excessively healthy lifestyle.
But we are all either momentarily stable or unwell…
I believe also strongly in education,as long as you’ve your computer,great learning tool,or whatever you fancy it to be music,comedy…
Pls,I’m not in any way shape or form trivializing you.
Why would I?
I suffer too.
You aren’t alone…it’s the illness ( for me that isolates,plus I’m kinda introvert extrovert ……
Don’t give up.
I hope w my heart each day gets a bit better for you…..xx Sandra.
What you say here makes me think of a man who beats his wife. He justifies it by saying that if he doesn’t keep beating her she won’t do anything but sit in the corner and cry.
Chronic forms of mental suffering generally begin with some idea which seems healthy but is in fact poisonous. The chief among these poisonous ideas is idealism or perfectionism. It advertises itself as the road to Heaven (metaphorically speaking) but is actually the road to Hell. We think that if we can achieve this state of perfection it will bring with it success and happiness, but the self-criticism that it entails eats away our energy to create and to problem-solve and to love others and to be happy.
Of course we can’t stay in bed hugging our inner child. If we do, it will die of thirst and hunger. We need to take it out into the world to seek sustenance. But there will be cruelty enough directed at our inner child by those around us. We need to be on its side, encouraging rather than criticising. Instead of saying to ourselves : “Get out of bed, lazybones!”, we need to say : “You can make in the hard struggle. Gather all your courage and face the world, because you and I know that it will get easier no other way. Staying in bed will end up causing you more suffering than anything you face out in the world.” Thus we are not beating ourselves out of bed with a stick, but leading ourselves out with a loving embrace.
I remember reading a comment by a psychologist or psychiatrist who said that we should never reward ourselves for doing well, because this is inseparable from punishing ourselves if we do badly. I think that is good advice. We want to succeed and we don’t want to fail. That is sufficient motivation. Punishment and reward are equally unnecessary, and we should be good to ourselves and give ourselves a reasonable amount of healing pleasure for the same reason we would do good things for someone we love. Do we only want to give pleasure to a loved one when they do something for us? Do we want to punish them when they make a mistake which harms us? Love is a healing and creative force precisely because it is not bound by the concept of reward and punishment.
You are worried that, if you put down your self-flagellant’s whip, you would lack the motivation to do anything. But think of yourself as a young child. Back then I’m sure you didn’t want to spend all day in bed. I bet, like most of us, you were full of enthusiasm to learn, to play and to create. That is our basic nature. What robs us of that natural enthusiasm is largely the criticism of others and, after that, self-criticism. This is what turns us from a playful puppy into a beaten dog.
If your battered self can achieve so much, imagine how much more you could achieve if you allowed the unquenchable enthusiasm of the child within to flower once more. Of course it takes time for the wounds to heal. A dog which has been beaten for years, needs a lot of patting and pampering before she realises it is finally safe to be her true self.
Saw this and thought of you, Natasha. Hope you’ll let me post it. Not everyone reacts the same to everything. Open your mind :)
[moderated]
Hi Janae,
I don’t tend to allow links to propeganda. If you read my take on TrueHope it is very clear that people do react differently to the stuff. I say that. I say that there is no proof for its use in bipolar disorder. And that’s because that’s a fact.
If you wish to espouse an opinion, feel free, but I’m not a fan to posting links to such videos.
(And if you do have an opinion on TrueHope, I suggest you go to one of the several articles I’ve written on it and share it there.)
– Natasha Tracy
You Rock Natasha. I never say that. Sorry, I think you know from my post I’m not sexist in any way. It’s just you are so logical when needed and can’t be taken in by emotion when it intrudes on reason. Though you like me are highly emotional hence similar problems to my own. You stick to you sense of reason. You may not go far with some, but you do with me.
Keep it up. You I know a woman just won for the first time the Fields Medal. Most here may not know what that is but I suspect you do. WN
i prefer erma bombeck’s take on this.
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/bombeck.asp
To me, Errma was a precious, genuine ,and touching one of a kind, woman. She wrote about life, the way she honestly saw it– hilariously, -much like a watered down Mark Twainof the 70’s–. and that’s saying something.
She’ll always have a special place in my heart, as I feel there’s a piece of mother in her we ALL saw or wanted in our own mothers. She made me laugh–really laugh- and with this illness, that’s a treasured gift she left us all.
. xoxoxo Erma
I am a bipolar perfectionist too, it has been difficult to be so in my studies cause I often cant finish projects, I am never satisfied with my work. That has resulted in quitting few times, now I’m starting school again. But what I’m thinking now is that I should not beat myself up and work to much, reather take less cources and have energy to achieve them. It will take little longer to finish, but who cares, it’s better then failing over and over again. Before diagnosed with bipolar I could do anything I wanted and never had difficulties achieving school/work, but my ego now is hurt not being able to do what I normally could easily. So in my case I cant beat myself up with to much work, not for me, it will only make me feel to anxious and I give up. I need to be extra cautious, take it slow, meditate and avoid to much workload, or I will fail…. :(
When I was working, I became very close to one of my employees, actually I was close to all of them, but this one in particular. She was a Greek girl in her late thirties, and had been married for a while, and had two kids at the time. When her mother-in-law came to visit, she did the ”white glove” test on a lot of her houehold items.
She’d run her arthritic finger across a table that wasn’t usually touched, or lift the toilet seat , stare, and seem to be panning for gold. She was a perfectionist. Looking for her faults.
One day ”Angela” came into her own bedroom looking for her purse, and there was her mother in law on her knees, looking for dust. –That did it. ”Angela” blew.
“What are you looking for?’- Angel yelled. m-i-l “Oh, (shocked a little) I was just checking to see if you had dusted or vaccumed.”
Being a respectful daughter in law, Angela figured it wasn’t worth it to even read her the riot act. But her feelings were really hurt, and she never forgot that experience. She just left the room and continued on w/ her kids and ”Mrs Clean’, until she’d finally taken her plane home to Greece that week.
Later on she relayed those experiences to us girls, and we couldn’t stop laughing. “How could she?” we all said in somewhat sychronous manner. But Angela learned something from this incident.
She told us all, (and we, for the most part complained of being perfectionists) that when anyone has her over, she was compelled to look for dirt in their homes. Corners, shelves, medicine cabinets, what ever.
It had affected her that much.
Insofar as the ”looks” department, while we’re on the subject, –if I met anyone of you, I could find plenty of fault– if that’s what I did. Of course I pick my own looks apart, I’m a woman, but I could for sure pick your faults out.
IF I was so inclined.
Writing? If I read a simple email or letter from a person or friend, I must somehow deal with, or even read an article that interests me, if the language is embroidered and/or loaded with words that either uppity politicians, Leo Tolstoi, or snooty people use to feign intelligence, I laugh. Give it a rest. It impresses no one.
Oh! You’re mother was an English proffesor, or you teach English, or you’re a writer yourself? You grew up speaking like this? oh.
An impressive vocabulary, or an arcane word, here and there, goes a lot further than a sentence full of pretentious, haughty, or pompous diction, more than you know, or might think.
It boils down to being too hard on yourself. I won’t do that to myself.
The ‘message’ you impart, is far more important than trying to impress others.
So don’t vacuum so often, skip washing your hair every single day, mispell a word, and please speak to me, in the norm. It’s ok to be a little sloppy, or nervous, a crappy dresser, a poor house keeper, a non bather.
It’s ok.
No one is perfect, so quit trying so, so hard. Loosen up a little, know that you have faults, and practice saying ‘So effing what”.
If someone likes you, they like YOU –not the way you wear your hair.
Otherwise, imo- your just being way too hard on yourself.
It can make a person, bipolar or not appear somehow crazier.
I’ve had therapists and mental health workers try to fix my perfectionism. I fail to see how this actually helps my bipolar. I think that it’s a quality that some people don’t like in others because it makes them feel guilty for not trying harder, hence why they try to ‘fix’ it.
Right now it’s good to sleep in until 1pm and have coffee in the afternoon. I set myself several tasks daily. I think in forcing oneself one needs to be realistic about what is achievable. Finding the right level is easier said than done but after seven years of bipolar I’m used to it.
I worry about my prognosis, whether I’ll ever be up to the level I used to be at. Who knows?
Hi Tracy
while I enjoy your writing I dont think having a picture of a guy with a hammer to his temple is a good look. Especially for suicidal bipolar impressionable types.I appreciate the “shock value” but couldnt you find another
image? regards Richard
I’m a perfectionist too and I have observed that those of us who drive ourselves relentlessly as the only way to make it through our lives are also getting off on the drivenness. Might as well admit that too. Thank you for voicing difficult stuff.
I’m such a perfectionist I can either split an atom or measure time for billions of years or a piece of steel to a ten millionth of an inch. Or the stress of the whole thing makes me want to shoot heroin (before precisely measuring of course, which I’m not prefacing or judging, I’ve just never done it). I wonder how many engineers and Metrologist’s think that way. The middle path but precision for work and not for kissing ass of administrators and politicians who look only for money and status. Love of science and not to kill others.
Measure then get high. If they don’t like it let then do it themselves and get high all day. They will come around. They are too stupid or to lazy or to interested in bombs to do it themselves. WN
Thank you, Natasha. I thought I was the only one who lives this way. I refuse to give in to bipolar even in the dregs of suicidal depression. Bipolar will not win!
I disagree with your premise. Being hard on yourself doesn’t sound like a productive strategy for anyone suffering from a chronic illness. It’s like pushing yourself to go for a jog when you’ve got chest pains. Everybody needs something different to succeed, but as a person with bipolar, I am way too hard on myself already just dealing with what this illness has cost me. Also, the nature of mental illness is to beat the person up with negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Also, even though I admire your tenacity, the whole “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” thing is what drives many to suicide.
I agree (at least for myself). We’re all different and all cope differently. I lived this way for a very long time until I became suicidal because I could no longer live up to my own standards. Now that I have a better understanding of WHY I can’t live up to those ridiculous standards I made for myself, I’ve learned to set more realistic goals and to be a better judge of whether I really shouldn’t push myself on a given day or if I’m just being whiny and lazy.
It’s still hard to do some things some days, but I’m making myself at least do the little things like taking a shower, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, going to work. But for an example of setting more realistic goals for myself…I recently had to leave my extremely high stress job in the medical field and go into a food service job. It’s hard to not feel like a failure for that, but it means I can go to work every day without horrible anxiety attacks and/or wanting to kill myself.
As the spouse of a wife BP wife, this trait is exactly like my wife’s. Thank you for putting this into words for me. You have helped me understand my wife a little more, as you have with many of your posts. I can also relate to all of the comments as a caregiver/lover/husband. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “you have to quit beating yourself up”. Now I will rethink my response around this new insight and in turn grow our relationship just a little more.
Phil please absorb what Phil is saying. You can live a great life with this disease. I hope you find the right balance. My heart actually ached for you when I read your comment.
Natasha thanks so much for sharing and thanks to the others that have shared their stories.
thanks paul. i lost everything i had at 30. house, car, girlfriend, had to relocate. everything was crazy. of course it was, i was bipolar taking a max dose of amitriptyline daily. i went to many ACOA meetings 20 years ago and was in better shape than now. Had a great therapist. The last one I went to was January 1994. All I said was, I lost my mother. Never went back.
I have a friend that’s a perfectionist. It’s ridiculous watching this rat on crack. never stops. a human doing that lost the human being part. I went very manic and ripped him and our friendship to shreds. It was needed, not because he was a perfectionist but because he was a liar. we all lie but some much more than others.
Sounds all to familiar. Coping mechanisms abound, writing being one of them.
Embracing your inner child will really piss people off. No one wants you to feel
better than they do. You can, if the mood strikes, feel like living hell if you like.
Aiming for uplifting ~
Thought-provoking as usual. Thank you.
I agree perfectionism can be a motivator. I am more of a perfectionist at work and education than in my personal life. The energy it takes to meet that perfectionism in those areas of life leave me mentally and physically exhausted and at times incapable of maintaining close personal relationships. As I’ve aged, passed 50 now, I have forced myself to relax my perfectionism at work so I have some energy left for my personal relationships. It isn’t easy, but after divorce from my spouse of 25 years I realized I had to change some things to have a healthier relationship when I remarried. Some days getting out off bed is the best I can do, and that’s ok. Some days I am energetic and focused enough to achieve great things. On those days I do as much s I can. Overall I am probably doing better than I have in a long time. I’m still hard on myself, but I’m also more forgiving.
“…I’m still hard on myself, but I’m also more forgiving…”
I like that – it’s a pearl. I *try* to be that way, too. Hard tho’, isn’t it!
I have always been (and remain) a perfectionist, which has helped me in many ways. It has also interfered seriously with my productivity over the years, causing me much self-loathing and stress.
What I don’t get is how you make yourself do *any*thing when you’re at the depths of bipolar depression. When I’m at my worst, there is literally no force on Earth that could motivate me to do anything productive. I can no more get up and do things than I could if all my limbs had been suddenly amputated.
On the other hand, when I’m high there’s no shortage of motivation, energy, or ideas; it’s just that I can’t keep on task enough to complete them. I am too scattered.
So I’m glad this system works for you. I don’t think it is for everyone though.
Amen!! Thank you! That is exactly how I function, no it’s not ideal but it gets it done most of the time! I love your blog helps so much to know that others fight these inner battles that you were given a gift of being able to put into words!
EXACTLY. THANKS FOR POSTING. I WRITE IN ALL CAPS WITH THE HOPES TO EXPRESS THE FECUNDITY OF THIS PRINCIPLE. I LAY IN BED / STAYED AT HOME FOR NEARLY TWO YEARS IN BIPOLAR DESPAIR. PRODUCTIVITY IS KEY.
I do the same thing in order to get things done on a daily basis. I always feel I never accomplished enough even if I did a lot. The constant pressure I put on myself makes me productive but it also gives me guilt if I put something off. Ugh.
I grew up taking care of a low bottom drunk and from the age of ten i was the only one at home with her many, many nights. i saved her life twice by the time i was 16 but i’m not sharing details. No one discussed this stuff in 40 years ago.
No one ever asked me, ‘but how are you?’ and no one said, i love you.
I’ve never really admitted to being driven at anything. I had to survive and that’s about all i have done. My inner child was dead by 10 years old.
At 61, I’m worse off than I’ve ever been. I just can’t seen to make myself to do anything. I exist and hope for an early ‘natural’ death.
I will print this post but it won’t change a thing.
My first therapist and I were talking about me being single at 30. She said you’re single because you had full responsibility of marriage at ten years old.
There are some things in life that are worse than bipolar and I had two. My mother achieved sobriety when I was 22 years old. She was better. I got a life sentence. I’ve tried very hard to live for today but honestly, i could care less.
I live by, ‘why do anything?’ My bootstraps broke decades ago. So, this next pill will make me better but it never does. No pill can help a broken heart.
Phil, I wish you could find something to help.
I don’t have as severe early trauma as you, but excellent counselling has helped me deal with some of that stuff. I have gone through a rough period (It took me 12 years of effort to find help, and another 8 or 9 years to become stable in my moods. During that period I lost my job,my wheels, my home, (and my credit rating!), my marriage, and my desire to live.
But I found the motivation I needed and following a million meds changes and lots of therapy, I feel better right now at 61 than I ever have in my life. (Except for some of the meds’ side effects, of course.)
I have to believe it is possible for most people to reach the place I have, but I can’t think of how to share this with you. I just have to hope that if you know it can be done, perhaps it will make your day a little brighter. Sixty-one is *not* the end; it’s just the beginning!
I relate because it is exactly what I do. However, perfectionism is a double-edged sword; it causes me great distress while also driving me. But, without it, I would not do half of what I do now (i.e., university). Thank you for sharing~