Many of us have the insight to know when we are manic, hypomanic or depressed or in another bipolar mood state but, unfortunately, even though I might know I’m hypomanic, depressed or mixed, I can’t necessarily help it. I wish I could. I wish that knowing what my bipolar disorder was doing would somehow alter it, but it typically doesn’t. I just can’t help it when I’m hypomanic, depressed or in a mixed mood – even when it’s clear to me.
How Do You Know When You’re Hypomanic, Depressed or Mixed?
Honestly, sometimes it takes me time to figure out I’m in an acute bipolar mood state. Sometimes I feel so bad that my logic doesn’t work properly. Sometimes the pain just overwhelms my insight.
But I do catch on. I do see the crying and self-hatred as depression. I do see the endless talking (out loud, even when no one is around) and extra energy as hypomania. I do see the extreme irritation and sadness as a mixed (or cycling) state. It does happen.
For me, I know, intimately, my personal depression, hypomania or mixed mood symptoms (I have bipolar II and so don’t experience mania). So I do know when I’m in a bipolar mood episode.
Helping a Hypomania, Depression or Mixed Moods
The trouble is that even when I recognize a bipolar mood state and even when I take steps to correct it, I still can’t help being in it. I have written things about, for example, how to handle bipolar hypomania, but even employing all the techniques, all the skills I have, it still doesn’t “fix” the mood. I’m still stuck with the mood anyway. It’s not that I’m not trying to get rid of it, it’s just that I can’t.
I Can’t Help the Bipolar Mood – This Is Frustrating
And this frustrates me beyond belief. I feel like I’m doing “everything right.” I feel like I’m doing everything I can do. I feel like I’m putting into practice every therapy appointment. And yet, it doesn’t work. Nothing works. I’m stuck in a bipolar mood anyway. I hate myself for this. I hate my immovable bipolar for this.
I’m sure this frustrates others, too. But I suspect that many think I’m not trying. Sometimes it feels like I’m making that judgment about myself, too. But I swear that I am. I swear I’m doing everything I know to do. It’s just that it often doesn’t work. All I can do is cope with the bipolar mood – I can’t change it.
I Can’t Help Hypomania, Mixed or Depressed Moods – I Need a Break
This isn’t meant to be a “poor me” scenario. This just is what it is. This is just a medical condition that can’t be changed by pure will or magical techniques. This is something that needs medical attention and needs to run a course (hopefully minimized by medication). And I need to be given a break about it.
And, more importantly, I need to give myself a break about it. Other people may judge, or they may not, but what I need to do is to stop my own judgment. I truly can’t help an acute bipolar mood state. And I just have to learn to live with that fact. It’s hard to admit not having control over that which everyone else perceives control over, but I need to accept it. Because not accepting that reality certainly isn’t going to help anything and will make me feel worse. And I just don’t need that. Acute bipolar moods suck enough already.
Image by Jar of Quotes.
Thanks Natasha, once again you have validated how I feel sometimes. (Actually more often than I want?
I have bipolar type 1, but if I’m not depressed or feeling well, I am often experiencing hypomania much more than full blown mania. My manias usually come on when too much time has past hypomanic, or if something is really wrong in Denmark with my medications.
In my early years before diagnosis I had no insight into my hypomanias. Even to a degree into the mixed episodes, though I knew I felt like hell or the Tasmanian devil. It has only been after years of being diagnosed that I’ve learned to recognize when I’m in a hypomanic state or mixed state. Sometimes I recognize it quickly, other times it take a few days, and then I have an “Ah ha!” moment, or my husband, pdoc or tdoc tells me. But these hypomanias don’t have to last long. I’m kind of lucky that my pdoc (psychiatrist) gives me prn medications that I can use at my discretion (up to a certain dosage). Sometimes my husband tells me to take some of it. This works well for me because they can often extinguish the episode to the point where I don’t need a medication adjustment for long-term.
I wouldn’t call myself a rapid or ultraradian cycler, but I do find that I can have a bit of mood lability during certain times of the day that likely have something to do with my medication schedule. For example, I take my meds in the morning and and am fine (maybe lethargic) for a while, but then it seems to almost wear off and by 2 or 3 pm I can actually seem a touch hypomanic. Then after I take my evening meds I’m fine again. That’s another reason why my prn arrangement works out for me. They can cover me when I need some coverage. But I only need the prns on occasion. Most days my little afternoon upswing is minor enough just to give me some especially “happy” and productive hours.
I don’t get very depressed that often anymore. Maybe mildly, but it usually passes. What I do get, and I’m not sure exactly what to blame, are days of lethargy and fatigue. Who knows, maybe it is mild depression. It eases up over time, though I must say on my huge medication cocktail I’m a bit sedated.
Hi Everyone, Thank you for this post and for all your comments. It has really helped me to understand my husband, who is suffering with bipolar. I have been on a roller coaster ride with him for over 10 years, but more recently it has been at its worst. Each day, I don’t know which person I will face – the happy one, the depressed one, the grumpy one, or the elated one! When he is in a funk, I really don’t know what to do. I do just try to leave him alone, which is what he requests (thanks , Wendy Love, you have affirmed that this is okay). Some days I just feel like shaking him, to just snap out of it!!, but I know that won’t be helpful at all. You have helped me realize that it is not in his control and I am trying so hard to understand that. What are some other things that people can do around you to help rather than hinder when they are in a manic or depressed state? Thank you in advance!!
Thank you so much, I cry as I read what you post. I read as many blogs as I can, to learn, to have a small small peek into the world of bipolar; for my sons sake…. I go to a therapist, I go to alanon, I go to nami, I pray, but nothing gives me more insight than reading the blogs of those that walk this road. Thank you
I’ve been in this.. this mental illness world.. a long time now.
I will say, many “outsiders” have commented (in “real life” and on Bipolar website “life”) that if you are truly mentally ill, you cannot possibly have the ability to be aware and acknowledge as to what state of your illness you may currently be in. To be able to do so, to know that you may be in a hypomanic state or a “mixer” (as I call them) or even that something may be a bit TOO off (mania)… would say, that you aren’t actually mentally ill.
See, we (who have an illness and especially as harsh as Bipolar) are supposedly not able to acknowledge with accuracy our sense of reality. Reality is twisted and colored by the illness, supposedly and well… we have no self-awareness because our perception of things and events are illness.
I have had folks from “those supposedly all knowing” (clinical) and some folks responding to website postings (I’ve been on one or more for nearly 10 years now) make such remarks. It is mostly from those professing to NOT have any mental illness but caring for one or treating one, who is.
I say “BULL SHIT”
I live within my mind and my brain, have since I was wee little and recognized that I was and I always know when something may be a bit off with me. It may take a few hours or it may take a day or two but I can pretty much sum up what state of illness I am in.
Have I always had the “words” to name my episode? No, not always. Not until I decided to actually educate myself. Does it mean that I am able to automatically adjust myself? That proves, at times, to be a much harder thing to do.
Right now, I recognize that I am in the midst of a mixed episode. I am having my cyclic Depressive episode but with a few added ingredients.
I started yet another new adventure in employment and the change in that has caused a bit of hyperactivity.
I have traits of Seasonal Affective and with the time change here in the lower southeast US… the adjusting to the daylight changing is throwing me as it always does each Spring and Fall. I also lost my Dad to Cancer this past Spring and that is still a layering factor, the grief.
Even with and still: I recognize that while I am in a depressive episode that I am also talking too much here at times recently, speech becoming more garbled and fast and my mind is racing and pinging about. I also feel at ill within my own skin, another sign.
I am on med, have been consistently this time since August. I think this one is actually helping me quite a bit to stay above the suicidal phase but may need to go up a bit on dose for the rising mania side.
I know my brain. I educated myself, learned the words to name. I am high functional but devastatingly disable when I de-compensate with an severe episode. Meanwhile; I have to pull up my old woman whities and get on with living daily life. I go to work (sort of), I pay my bills (sort of), get the side of the house pressure-washed to remove the mold, do as needed runs to the grocery to keep me going 2-3 days at a time…
may not be the best in other’s eyes but at least I am handling my own…
Natasha:
The roller coaster analogy fits me perfectly.
With my rapid cycling …..
I just wanted to say hi & happy to hear that you are feeling some better.
Every bit counts,it all adds up to a lot as we’re aware eventually.
I feel like a weak failure through nov ( both parents died,but mum many yrs ago,Dad 5 yrs )
Then Xmas horrors,I choose to stay home not go to my sisters she’s accepted this
Every yr same shit,lab rat,I gain rat ( unlike usual thin being) sorry side effect makes me more low.
I’m still w out a nice BF which would be lovely to see movies dinner etc….nope.
They all want the SOS. My psych told me to BE CAUTIOUS DUE TO MY KIND OF BP + my age 55yrs
So I’m all ears this time around,b/c why go,unless your not going to listen?
Plus this dude specializes in BP I guess I’m so sick of all of the SHIT that accompanies this disease
Plus,how it’s hurt my family….the words you’ve said,or wrote in an email …& can’t take back……ouch.
Anyway,Natasha,I’m sure you’ve felt similar w your illness….I hope your days continue to be brighter…
I didn’t mean to burden you w my life issues….it’s just what’s happening,& being honest.
Wonder how Christmas is for you? Is it easier now or ? I hope you’ve the time to reply to the few ? Of mine
Thanks for being here,always the spark that encourages me & keeps my creativity flowing …
Plus knowing you have exact same type BP as I. Hugs …Sandra…..
Good Morning! I hope you are feeling a little better today. I can only imagine. I see the frustration with my sister. Stay strong and focused like you do. I pray one day the medical community can find a better measure of relief for all of you. It can come quick enough I know. We can only believe. On a happier note, I recently bought three of your books on Amazon for myself, my sister and her doctor as stocking stuffers. I haven’t read mine yet, but I am sure it is fabulous. Take care. Hugs……
Hi Cookie,
Yes, doing a bit better now. Thanks.
I hope you love the book.
– Natasha Tracy
Thankfully, my roller coaster mood swings are largely under control, save for the occasional break-throughs. When they come, the mixed episodes/dysphoric hypomanias hit and roll usually through a day. This is how I handle them when I have the space to do so: I force myself to slow down and stop. So, if I am in a car and wanting to speed and throw the car about in a, say, 60mph area, I force myself to drive VERY much slower – say 35-40mph. For me, it has a calming effect after the initial shock. Otherwise, I go to bed, make the room as dark as possible and, if necessary, cover my eyes so very little light gets to them. Eventually, I fall asleep, and effectively sleep through the episode.
Harry: all I can say is WOW!!!
Sounds like you’ve got a lot of the BEAST under control!!
If you don’t mind ( pls don’t feel as if you need to answer this question)
Are you taking a lot of meds,or no meds at all,some meds?
As was wondering what helped you so much over time?
Of course,we all know they do know they take time.
Congratulations!
I realize as you do that you’ll still have episodes but likely non crippling kinds ( like mine are @ this time,sheesh…..
Lab rat,still……so it sounds like you are able to have normal moods again…..awesome.
Yes,I know we’ve no cure I’m 55 not a kid. The brain truly is a fascinating organ!!! Best wishes & good karma stay with you?? sandra.
I hear you! And, yes you just have to do what I call put on your big girl panties (BGPs) and suck it up. Does it suck? Yes. Is there anything you can do but ride it out? No. But you don’t have to go it alone, unless you are the type of person that prefers to do so. There are bipolar mentoring programs wherein you can talk to someone who has walked in your shoes and gets it, no long winded explanation necessary. For me, there is a certain comfort that comes with just hearing someone who really gets it listen and care.
Great post.
Kerry:
Though I respect your opinion,we all have different kinds of bipolar.
Like a dress,not one size fits all…same with BP
It’s also how you’ve been brought up,I’ve been brought up to keep things private ( as in a extreme mood swing in front of a friend is just very uncomfortable to me) has NO Basis on my MATURITY LEVEL WHatsover & im extremely strong willed person……it did come across as now I re read your comment like OH GET OVER YOURSELF!
If your TRULY BIPOLAR YOU CANNOT DURING AN EPISODE …..rather harsh words for someone to hear who’s trying her very BEST EVERYDAY TAKING HER MEDS TAKING EVERY TEST SEEING DRS ….PLUS I DONT ONLY SUFFER FR BP ….just assuming ppl here just” have BP ISNT FAIR….IM NOT ABOUT TO DISCLOSE THE MANY OTHER ILLNESS I DO SUFFER FROM BUT I TRY & BE AN ADVOCATE TO PPL I HEAR ON THE SITE WHO ARE IN MUCH WORSE SHAPE THAN I RATHER THAN ASSUME WE JUST NEED TO PULL UP OUR SOX”
Please,I’m not about to start any internet fighting THATS IMMATURE! But you might want to think first before you press send the comment. IM IN A SERIOUS DEPRESSION, YET I STILL TRY TO BE FAIR…..I didn’t like just the way it was said I’m also outspoken but try & count to 10 if it upsets me……we are all suffering IM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY IF YOU TOOK IT AS SUCH, I CANNOT CONTROL THAT. Sandra.
It is comforting to know,though I am alone here is a place I am not.
My fam love me when I put on a face worthy of an Oscar performance….simply b/c they are all
High achievers pfectioinists.
Perfectionism has rubbed off on me too.
I know I’m kind of hypomanic,so one thing I love to do is run myself a lovely bath bomb or bubble bath,quite warm
Set up my iPad bring in my full water bottle full H2O.
Simply try & try & chill…at least my body might fr the water,.
Plus in my life I’ve associated water with stability & peace
Of course it won’t take it away but your not going to get into any trouble unless you drop your iPad in water!
No. I meant bipolar troubles when in that state.
Obviously guys won’t be into it ( maybe long hot showers ????)
But I don’t know many ladies that don’t like a bath….no mattter your age.
You need not bring an iPad sometimes I just listen to the white noise of bathrm ceiling fan.
I don’t know jus
All of this spot on.
I deal with soooo much frustration,from my bipolar.
It’s exhausting at the end of the day fighting the beast ( as I call it)
I cannot stand Pollyanna types saying things like oh keep trying dear you’ll feel better tomorrow….
Or religious ppl worst…I’m sorry,you do you I’ll do me…..stay away!
today is Dec 1- anyone feeling any symptoms re upcoming holidays?
Well,I’m definitely triggered.
I cry in malls,or I had a nasty manic episode with a credit card…….horrible……awake for many nites previously
If that shit not enough,now have the worst head/ strep throat.
So hot tea & manuka honey diet….never see my GP for something like that….my shrink away till Jan.
I think bipolar is the most damaging MI there is,to you,fam,friends,if you work……
Yes it does suck. I’m out of my mind sometimes I cry from frustration & depression.
It seems unacceptable they don’t put more funds into helping this illness.
It’s still VERY STIGMATIZED,even in my apartment complex where most ex one girl I just met (42)
Don’t want to be friends thought she seems very kind ( helped me carry my bags up to my apt door)
Cause eventually she’ll witness the ugly ( manic / depressed) & she’ll say to herself FREAK!!!
IM PARANOID AT MOMENT THOUGHT LAST NIGHT THOUGH I HEard a BIRD IN MY CLOSET
So,terrified,my logical brain side said then slowly open it,& then why wouldn’t my cat rush in here if truth?
Opened closet TERRIFIED SHAKING nothing NATCH.
Paranoia stopped.
I’m not saying forever it does,but using reality & logic if you can will help conquer that ( well did for me)
I’m interested in anyone’s thoughts re the upcoming holidays not as a trigger but …..plans how to deal if how you
How you feel presently as it’s DEC 1/ or is it simply another day to you. Hope everyone is well Ciao
Wow, yes. I’m currently caught in one of the deepest swings of depression I’ve had since being diagnosed with this thing. Beating up on myself for not being able to handle it is something I’ve developed into a fine art form. “You have to move! You have to do something!” Right. I know that. The question is always “what thing?” I had to take disability retirement (about 7 or 8 years early) so there’s not much TO do; and even if I had something outside the house to do, right now I would have a difficult time to force myself into it. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s for lack of native ability. What a frustrating illness. It really does help to see that we’re not alone in this.
Natasha, I resonate so strongly with this piece. I think that people with mental illness are very hard on themselves over their inability to help themselves out of an ill state. For me that illness is Bipolar I. It doesn’t take me long to recognize a hypomanic state, but recognizing a manic static is more difficult. I become beyond conscious of my condition. I see it as my normal state but much more awesome than usual….or painful. We want people not to worry about us, so we try to conceal our illness. We feel guilty when it interferes with our relationships and jobs.
Thank you for sharing this. The more we share, the weaker the stigma.
Oh do I ever know what you mean. They say ‘knowledge is power’ but with bipolar mood swings I really do wonder. I share your frustration and your helpless and I totally understand. And I have no advice whatever, except maybe one thing? Stay away from people when you are in a mixed state and hopefully you won’t hurt anyone!
Wendy,
Isn’t that the truth!!!
Stay in hibernation!!!!’
I hate ppl when I’m really sick,except those who get it”
Stay well…
It’s a challenge,isn’t it?
Every damn day…so tiring.
Sandra