Today Bipolar Burble welcomes Adele, a 36-year-old newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Read her story of a new bipolar diagnosis and how she’s handling her first few bipolar months.
When I was diagnosed as bipolar this past November, it was both the best and the worst news I have ever received. I knew that my life was probably going to get better, but that it would definitely never be the same.
How I Got My New Bipolar Diagnosis
The diagnosis happened by fluke, and sort of backwards. I was put on a mood stabilizer generally prescribed to help with migraines, and within days the chaos I had in my head stopped and my behavior and my life settled way, way down. It was like I had been living for 36 years in an incredibly loud rock concert and then stepped out of it into the deafening quiet of a deserted street, my ears and body and being still vibrating from the noise. I stopped being bored, started sitting still, and felt something close to settled. I had never felt this way, not ever, and instinct told me I needed to bring these changes, and the questions they raised, to my doctor.
My Mental Illness History of Bipolar Disorder
Mental health issues were not new for me. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 20 and had already been on selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) three times, which did little but make me feel like a head case and cause me to gain weight. At 29, after the birth of my daughter, my doctor decided she’d had enough of my smoke and mirrors and basically demanded that I get help. I went onto a brand new medication which I thought was wonderful and seemed to do magical things. In retrospect, I think those magical things were sending me nicely into hypomanic territory, for up I went into elation, flaming optimism, euphoria and shitty sleep, sort-of-working sleeping pills notwithstanding.
Just as mental health issues were not new, neither were mood swings. Throughout my teenage years, my medicated 20s, and the six years on the medication that seemed to be sometimes, and was supposed to be, the final answer, my moods swung violently.
Naturally prone to a anger, having come from generations of short tempers and quick tongues, I would flash into seething anger in an instant. I would go down, inexplicably and without reason, into a lethargic, gloomy darkness, a world of shadows and pain, remaining there until the gods saw fit to the shine the sun again. Then shine it would, and I would be on fire with the wondrous blessings of my life, motivated, productive, restless, social and brimming with ideas. It only occasionally occurred to me, until this mood stabilizer, well, stabilized me, that such highs were not absence of a flare of major depressive symptoms, but rather the symptoms of another, more complex and very real, illness.
When I Received My New Bipolar Diagnosis
The night we received the bipolar diagnosis, we bought champagne, ordered a pizza and called everyone we knew. The atmosphere in our house was like a party. This, we thought, was all the answers we had been searching for. But our celebration was short lived. Medication adjustment proved treacherous at best, and I went down lower in the winter that followed than I have ever been. I lay on the couch, doing nothing and going nowhere, thinking nothing would ever change and I would never feel any better. Finally, in March, another change to my medication was made, and this seems to be the right combination.
Living with My New Bipolar Diagnosis
Honestly, I struggle a bit with the new bipolar diagnosis. I have always been bipolar, and I will always be. I will never be off my medication, and there is no such thing as “situational bipolar disorder,” which is what my depression was first diagnosed as. I am tired, a lot, more tired than is convenient. I keep telling my husband I feel like a noodle, bland and without the charisma and spice that hypomania gave me, or so I believed.
But there is a sense of peace, too. Reading books about bipolar disorder, I can finally see myself, totally and completely. Everything that I thought was ridiculous, weak, difficult or immature was simply just the brain I was born with. I am learning to forgive myself and to accept myself. And I’m becoming acquainted with this calm, centered stranger, one levelled out one moment at a time.
Adele is a stay-at-home mom who can be found at her blog where she hopes others can find the relief of knowing they’re not alone.
Banner image © Adele.
I was diagnosed bipolar I in 2008 right around the time of my first hospitalization. I have had mental health issues for as far back as I can remember in my life, but unfortunately my parents chose to look at my behaviors as a “phase” and not seek help for me as a child and adolescent. As a result I became very secretive about my issues and it took a long time, namely a spouse who became a nurse and recognized the signs, before I was able to overcome the embarrassment of myself and get help.
So, I was about 40 when I was finally formally diagnosed bipolar. I remember at work naturally people wondered why I had been gone for an extended period of time while I was in the hospital. I broke down and told a coworker. Then, fearing word would spread I decided to inform our HR dept. Looking back, I now feel sharing was a mistake – big mistake. Soon everyone in the organization knew and living with the stigma has become reality for me. This stigma has been felt with management, coworkers and the community we serve. I still have a job and I have worked through numerous hospitalizations and the ups and downs, some self caused by my treatment non compliance from time to time, but I am happy to still be working. The decision to tell or not to tell at work has probably been the single biggest consequence of my diagnosis. My advice is to give serious thought to who you let into your circle of knowing your diagnosis. I have become quite a student of mental health issues since, but it never ceases to amaze me how much prejudice and fear still exists out there.
I just started reading the breaking bipolar blog. I was immediately impressed by Natasha’s wisdom and insight. I have found a lot of comfort and logic in her advice. Thanks for putting this up and for the work that has gone into it.
Lost before diagnosed
Found now alas impatience literally thru a strong mind forcing myself to learn slowly patience….
With the for me perfectly tailored for rapid cycling bipolar ( I was extremely sick…not proud of it either!!!)
Seeing incredible results which is cool….I just celebrated my 55 th birthday July 20 happily out for a lovely getting on out to restaurant eating great food & CAKE!!!) with my older sis.
Kind of re training the brain…
The day I heard my diagnosis I was simply relieved.
Not shocked or surprised.
I knew a long time something was REALLY WRONG for A LONG TIME
I’m very in touch with myself always have been,I trust my inner voice.( now)
Before,mania got me in trouble..not with the law but fam.
Fights aplenty
Not anymore …there’s a sense of peace & healing …no I don’t do yoga or anything
But I’m into crystals ( healing ) on my own a lady ( privacy reasons I won’t mention her name) taught me a lot.
I’m interested in Buddism as a alternative religion …..but I scarcely have looked into it yet.
As I’ve been doing things like taking better care of my nails painting them robins egg blue & writing my eldest bro
A long email as we’ve not chatted in many months……so catch up.
I try stay focused,it’s easier as my brain is working on fleek”
Plus I believe everyday anyone with any illness should go online or the telly watch something that makes them LAUGH good endorphins!!! Can’t hurt……my father lived till 84 his belief? Laughter one of the best medicines!
It’s not the end of the world,think of peeps with cancer diagnosis! I watched my mum die & lost her @ my age to
Esophagus cancer…..horrible way to go,,,,,,….I’m not ever denying we all don’t suffer,omg ……
I still dance around my house solo as I love rock music & it’s a fun hobby.
No,none of these new crazy dances I’m 55 more like sexy belly go go dancing………to Rolling Stones….
Difference now I’m more stable,I’m not manic I’m bored!!!!
Knowledge is key as well after receiving bipolar diagnosis….find out,ask as many questions as possible ….till
Your an irritating mosquito!!!
It truly helped me plus read couple books that were excellent one by Kay Jamieson(?) I think ….she was a actual
Psychiatrist or psychologist who after yrs received bipolar diagnosis!
The other was by Marya Hornabacher but she’s got 2- books -1 is about her anorexia another about her bipolar
Both are American writers,I suggest if any readers check these books out …..both are excellent.
Plus award winning..I found helpful reading others stories as the truth is there in life will always be someone worse off then yourself.
So,rather than saying how shit the disease is ( it is we all get it) turn that energy into productivity = into getting well
Being the BEST YOU YOU CAN BE WITH THE TYPE OF BP THAT YOU HAVE!
Wishing good karma to all that suffer …..always…….I’ve suffered with you…I know I’ll still have my triggers as we all do there’s nothing special about me…..I just want to get across to the people that hear bipolar & freak
It’s more accepted than it used to be…share with those only that you feel comfortable/ safe with rest I’d stay private …I continue to this day,even much better to live by that rule…
Peace to all.
Thank you for sharing. I was diagnosed with BP II just last week; I’m confused, scared, relieved all at the same time. I just started doing my research on BP II and find a lot of explanations for my risky behaviors. I have to make amends with people I have hurt throughout the years and make peace with myself. Just getting started…
Thank you for sharing. It is a difficult journey, ad one that needs to be taken with care and support, but it sounds like you are going the right direction. There are going to be ups and downs, just keep moving forward. Be well.
A bipolar diagnosis only confirms what others know and may not have told you. They are your friends and family, they do not want to worry or hurt you. You are accepted as simply different. But no one knows why or how you feel or are experiencing the world around you. My diagnosis came during military service, when I suspected something was very wrong with my perceptions. Elavil helped but I stopped taking the medication when I began to feel better. That was a mistake. The right medication is often a trial and error process that is successful when you let your doctor know how you are responding. If you move through your feelings on your own, the road is long and precarious. It can also be interesting and fun, or just a disaster. Find someone who cares and is qualified to give you informed advice. That too will be another journey. Don’t give up. Life is a gift worth saving… I have been holding on to mine for seventy years. A trip indeed, but a memorable one.
Ever since my son died by suicide, I’ve read your blog. i had no clue there was a problem until #1 He was gone. #2 I got into his computer.
It’s been 5 years and what I have found by coming here is no one has the same experience. Everyone has their own, long, convoluted road until a light bulb goes off.
I’m so sorry for what all of you have gone through to get to the light bulb moment, I am sorry for what you have to deal with day after day.
Truly, you need to give yourself a pat on the back for handling it with the grace you do.
Hi Mary Ann,
I’m so sorry that’s what it took for your to find me but I’m very glad you’re here.
You are amazing for handling your situation with grace, also.
– Natasha Tracy
Sorry for your loss! And, yes, everyone has their ‘own’ experiences, sometime it’s very hard to bear.