There are different types of suicidal depressions and one type is the passive suicidal depression. It’s the kind of suicidal depression where you want to die, you just don’t want to kill yourself. (As I’ve written about before, here: The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die.) Passive suicidal depression tends to take forms such as the very common one of not wanting to wake up in the morning.
Passive Depression/Suicidality: Wishing You Were Dead
Passive suicidal depressions tend to contain a lot of wishes.
- I wish I were dead.
- I wish I could sleep forever.
- I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow morning.
- I wish a car would hit me in the street.
And so on and so forth. These are definitely suicidal thoughts to be taken very seriously, but they are passive rather than active such as:
- I’m going to walk into traffic.
- I’m going to write a suicide note.
- I’m going to hurt myself.
And so on. I would consider active suicidal depression to be very dangerous and in need of immediate medical attention. That said, passive suicidal depression isn’t peachy either and it also needs treatment.
The Horror of Living with Passive Suicidal Depression Long-Term
I know a lot about suicidal depression because I have spent years being suicidally depressed. This isn’t so much a problem for me now, but it has been for years at a time. And what I find is that active suicidal depression is a short-lived thing but passive suicidal depression can, as I said, last for years.
And this is seriously no fun. A typical manifestation of passive suicidal depression that would happen to me would be in the afternoon. It would be about 5:00 p.m. and I would desperately want to sleep. I wanted to sleep forever. I would, literally, count down the time until I would allow myself to go to bed. And when I laid there, waiting for the medications to put me to sleep (Beating Insomnia — How to Sleep Better), I would ferociously pray to any god that would listen to make it so I never woke up.
These thoughts are horrible to live it. It’s horrible to look forward to sleep just to escape pain (Escaping Bipolar Disorder). It’s horrible to have so much pain so that’s what you look forward to. It’s horrible to beg not to wake up.
And this horror isn’t just for a day, or a week, or for a month. It’s for months and maybe even years on end. At least it was for me. The medications did address my acute, active suicidality but it was very, very difficult to find anything that would help the passive depressed suicidal thoughts.
Why Passive Suicidal Depression Is Dangerous, Too
I would also like to add that while passive suicidal depression might seem only harmful to your psyche, this isn’t true. When you don’t care about your life — when you want to give it away — it very easily can happen.
For example, I tend to be very accident-prone (I’m More Accident-Prone When I’m Suicidal) with passive suicidal depression. I tend not to take the steps necessary to protect myself from the dangers of everyday life. So, I might cut or burn myself in the kitchen. I might cross the road without looking. And, of course, there many other things a person might do like decide to take a stroll through gang territory or not obey a police officer’s critical instructions. When taken to its conclusion, that last one is called “suicide by cop.” It’s a real thing people do.
And when we look at the danger of passive suicidal depression “only” to your psyche, that’s pretty dramatic too. Not seeing the infinite beauty and importance of your unique life can decimate your psyche and your soul. It’s like Chinese water torture. It starts out as a drip that you can stand and ignore, then it becomes annoying, then it becomes torturous and finally, life-threatening.
Dealing with Passive Suicidal Depression
Lithium is the one drug that has been shown to specifically have anti-suicidal properties. That’s real. If you’re struggling with any type of suicidal ideation, it’s definitely something you should look into.
That said, it’s not for everyone, of course. My feeling is that when you make the depression better, the suicidal feelings and thoughts are relieved as well. So this means it’s a matter of finding the right depression treatment for you. In my experience, with bipolar, this is usually a cocktail. It’s the minority of people with bipolar that are on one drug. If you are, you are unbelievably lucky. If I had to make a guess, I would say that an antipsychotic (shown to be effective in bipolar depression) plus a mood stabilizer would be a minimum. Some people will also need a cocktail involving antidepressants, but beware, antidepressants can be dangerous in bipolar disorder. And let’s not forget that therapy can give you valuable tools to use to deal with passive suicidal ideation – even if therapy can’t modify that ideation, per se.
The important thing to remember is that suicidality – no matter what type – is very important to take seriously and get treated. And treatment for this does work. I’m not saying it’s fast or easy, in my experience it’s not, but it’s worth it. Understanding and internalizing the beauty of your life goes a long way to making life – even with depression – considerably more livable.
If you’re experiencing passive suicidal depression, don’t give up. Talk to professionals about it. And don’t stop trying until it gets successfully treated. Because I know that it can be. And I know that your life is important, even if that’s something you don’t believe right now.
By Eugene0126jp [CC BY-SA 3.0 or GFDL], from Wikimedia Commons.
Cool. I would love to talk. I am a disabled veteran, a bit out of whack, and I would love to talk. I feel this every day. I wish I was dead. Wish I died over there. Didnt happen. here I am, a full-time student plus a former cop, no less after Combat and Army retirement. i’M REACHING HERE. Finals at college end tomorrow. I got two weeks off.
Jeff (2540541-4102
jeffreykirk65@gmail.com
Hi Jeffery,
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. I know what it’s like to wish you were dead. I know what it’s like to feel that for long periods of time.
What I can tell you is that it doesn’t always have to be that way. While it’s great that you’re reaching out, you need to reach out to professionals who can help.
Sometimes, veterans feel like no one can understand what they’re going through except other veterans. For this reason, you may want to reach out here: https://www.veteranshealthlibrary.va.gov/MentalHealth/Suicide/About/142,41494_VA
Or, in the US, just dial 9-8-8 and press 1.
Please know that you’re not alone. Many veterans return and experience severely negative mental health effects. You can get better.
I’m thinking of you.
— Natasha Tracy
I came across your blog just by searching about mental health blogs. I think it’s a really great post and it means a lot to people. Im glad you were able to share this with others. I like that you are able to make it sound serious and as important as it is and not just another thing people simply have.
Not wanting to live in a brutal world or to suffer a life that we never consented to, is gaslighted by the establishment. We should all be allowed to leave whenever we want, in a dignified, quick and painless fashion. This is an inalienable human right.
I’ve had enough of being gaslighted and pushed into the ‘mental health’ pigeonhole. Maybe the world and life as it is today is toxic and not worth living. Maybe suicidal thoughts are completely appropriate for the prison camp we exist in.
There is something deeply immoral about two adults choosing to bring a child into this world that can’t consent, when the same child might have a miserable life, but is denied a death. A double denial of consent.
I want someone to be brave enough to talk about the right to lead a good life for as long possible and the right to leave, for whatever reason someone wants, as an equal expression of agency. Life and death are both human rights.
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb …. Whatever 🙄
It is at last fucking allowed to wait for the dead then? Of course not, nothing is allowed. If you not may hope for your own death, how is it about wishing all other people die, i could do what i want included suicide. But actually thw society is the problem, so if the all wouldnt wake up tomorrow that would be a reason to celebrate.
how does one stop telling themselves they dont want to live. I tell my dogs, I say it to myself about 50 times a day. I have no family, at least one that cares about me, i been in a relationship that just feels like i am just going through the motions been together for like 16 years, but he is so preoccupied in himself to notice that I am not feeling mentally stable. I was diagnosed with B.P.D years back and A.D.H.D when i was 3 but been unmedicated since either diagnosis. I really feel like i am screaming outloud and either no one hears me and/or no one cares. i, 36 unmarried & no children. i was told that family is everything, if that is the case oh boy am i screwed. No true friends either, if you were to look into my call log on my phone, and my messages, the only incoming is telemarketers, bill collectors and wrong numbers, No one ever invites me anywhere. When i ask about why i get lame replies that i know are not true, What is wrong with me and why can i not just feel wanted, accepted and or loved?
I can honestly say that I feel your pain. I wish I could help you fix this problem. Actually, there was a not so long ago, when it was my job and my greatest pleasure to work with individuals who were struggling with depression and other mental health issues. Then I sought enlightenment, I listened to musical whole tones, and I ended up destroying my own mental health. I began to have premonitions of death and suffering, worldwide. I told mental health professionals, all about what I saw coming. However, none of them realized that I had developed Bipolar Depression. This, went on for over seven years, and not until my career and my marriage had been destroyed, did one Psychiatrist discovered, that I was suffering from bipolar depression. Now, I am being treated, but I am also alone, and every day I think about suicide, and I cannot sleep without medication, and I always wish that I will never wake up again.
I over dose month ago, end in hospital heard I heard from doctor I was an embarsement and selfish and taken up a bed, got myself discharge buy say i’m okay, but wishing every day there will be another way just have to wait my time,
go to sleep every night wishing I don’t wake up! play with my medication a bit!
when riding my motorbike l wish someone would just hit me head on!
work full time still hide whats going on from every one as best as i can, lie to the doctors tell them I am fine
a number of diagnose to many to mention
Hi Russ,
I’m so sorry you had that experience. Many people find that when they are hospitalized for mental illness-related issues they are treated poorly. This is unfair and makes a bad situation worse.
I understand what it’s like to want to not wake up. I know what it’s like to live every day wanting to die. It’s horrible. It’s soul-crushing.
Please know that things can get better. There are treatments that can help. I know help doesn’t come as quickly as we want or as completely as we want, but it is out there and it does work.
See here for help locator links: https://bit.ly/mental_health_help
Please reach out. There are people who care and will treat you like you deserve.
– Natasha Tracy
I have dealt with depression for most of my life so there have been many, many nights where I’ve gone to bed hoping I wouldn’t wake up. Then the pandemic struck and it got to be an almost nightly thing, not because of COVID (couldn’t care if I get it or not) but the masks, restrictions and the general feeling of being trapped in my home. Due to anxiety I can’t breathe in a mask and I feel panicky around people wearing them. This thing has made me borderline agoraphobic and, a few months ago, nearly suicidal. I had the means at hand and was just working up the nerve to do it before I talked to my PCP and she talked me down. She sent me to a counselor and put me on meds and around the same time, things started opening up and while I was still depressed and anxious, things were feeling a bit more normal.
Today, the CDC started calling for masks again and any hope for the future I had fell through the floor. They will never let this end and I don’t see much point in living if I’m going to spend years feeling anxious, depressed and trapped in my house. I really just give up and now more than ever hope I won’t wake up tomorrow. I’m tired of feeling both empty and pained, I’m tired of constantly being anxious and angry and I’m tired of living. I’m not a religious person but have actually started praying for death just in case there’s someone up there listening.
I can’t do this anymore and my only wish is that I can go to bed and not wake up.
I agree! When I heard CDC recommending the f u c king masks again I kind of went, “well, guess I’ll not be dating anymore, go to concerts, etc”. It’ll be just like it was last year. Finally getting back to normal and they drag the masks back out! I’m so pissed off.
I Think god is dead, if not i will be dead by now,
Hi, one thing that I do believe is that god is actually your own conscience and that’s the worst judge to face, so back off thinking too much about things, take my word there is no perfect person out there, we all learn from our mistakes, those that may seam perfect to you have made the same mistakes in life, the big secret is to move on and learn from those experience. Good example us humans are born helpless compared to most animals, we have to learn everything from walking, talking and knowing how to act humanly, this takes time and experience that we have to learn, we are not born with all these attributes, and yet animals have a head start on us humans as far as walking and survival skills, we are far more complex that requires for more learning skills, so think about it and back off on punishing yourself
Now I wish I had read this before commenting on your previous post. I guess I fall more into this category since I struggle with the passing of my oldest and overwhelming grief. It’s still impossible to explain the nightmare I now live with but, I’m so thankful for your posts.
I’m so tired of the pain of living. I just want the pain to go away. I passively wish for death because I’m too scared to actually do anything about it, one way or the other. I need help, but I feel like I can’t balance what I need for mental health and the commitments I have, like a job and being an adult.
I know what people are going through it is horrible feeling when you are rejected I am 55 and feel like i am rejected never been married or had the chance i just wish i never wake up.every morning
I feel that way too at 55. I’m so sorry you haven’t had the opportunity for a relationship. I had been with my partner for 24 years and broke up with him due to his severe alcoholism. Coming home from clinic (I’m a nurse) to find him ‘dead’, but no, he’s just passed out at 4 pm.
Now I’m ‘dating’ and it sucks. Men who don’t want to grow up – who want to live alone yet expect me to be there to ‘play’ with. I want to marry. I want to share joys and fears.
So sick of it all that I’m lying in bed thinking how tired I am of life. Just wish it would end now. But, I know I won’t do anything. I’ll just continue to suffer.
I feel the same way. Every day I wake up I wish I hadn’t. The last thought before falling asleep is hoping tonight is the night. Hoping I don’t wake up. The only thing I have ever looked forward to is finally being dead. I’ve been disappointed by the fact that I survived the only car accident I’ve ever been in. My immediate thought after the crash was a sarcastic, “Oh great, I’m still alive.”. Most times I don’t bother looking either direction when crossing streets. If I get hit, I get hit. I was nearly hit by a truck because of this. I was disappointed yet again, wishing they hadn’t hit the brakes.
I know the feeling, but please consider how the person driving the car would feel for the rest of their life knowing they killed someone. No need to ruin their life.
Sounds like you have the same luck l have
It is awful to say that it did me good to read about your pain. Of course, I don’t want that pain for anyone. But it is good to know I am not alone.
I am 56 soon, and all I have left is the waiting, …. the waiting for death. Absolutely every legal therapy and remedy have been tried. I finished ECT a week ago. Perhaps illegal drugs could help, but I am a law abiding man. So, now I wait for death, or courage to switch from passive to active. In the mean time I count the hours until my next sleep, until my next legal dose of sleep medication.
yep this is so me. being rejected by every woman I have been with, which isn’t very many but still the pain is there. I definitely hate life.
I was the same way all the way throughout highschool. I remember praying to god almost everynight, or at least 4 times a week, to have me not wake up the next day/crying myself to sleep. I still wish I could sleep forever, because who doesn’t love sleep, but then I think about all the things I would miss and not be able to do in my day if I slept longer then usual. Idk maybe it’s this whole virus that’s messed my sleep schedule up. High school is a very tough time for young people, especially guys. Most people don’t even think about it, and only focus on girls, but it’s a real struggle for guys, extreme body shaming, bullying, drama in general. most guys are thought of to be super fit, handsome, and healthy, when in all reality that’s hard to do when you work all the time and can’t go to the gym and are going through puberty with pimples etc. I feel sad for all the generations below me.
I found this in my dads history the day he committed suicide. I find myself in his shoes.
Oh no, I’m so sorry, my friend. I wish there was something I could say to make your life’s course a little easier.
Take it one day at a time. No big goals or plans. Stay away from people who will distract you from getting through the day. Noooo “drama”. Just get through your day, congratulate yourself, and do it all again the next.
Thank you for the article – another step towards figuring out what I’ve been experiencing for so long.
I want to thank you so much for your blog and your thought, I have also thought about never waking up, last time I felt like this when I was grieving over my mom, I wanted to be with her and my two sisters that I did not care about being with anyone else in my family. I hide my depression with my family I always had I happy face but dead inside. I’m also on antidepression meds and all I want to do is sleep and other problems like walking vision. however, I do not want to change again and again. I feel like a Ginny pig. seems like I have to live with this feeling in order to go out in public.
I would love for you to join my blog I am just getting going with it. however, I have a newsletter also. I would love to read your comets and stories.
anyone that would like to visit my blog i would love it.
http://www.bipolarwhy.com
I am 73 and physically in good health but now I am retired I hate all this free time and my pension is so little I can barely survive on it.I have also become an atheist after really studying the Bible.I go to the gym,I eat out with a friend a few times a week, I read,watch TV,play computer games etc but I am tired of it all and when I go to sleep think it would be lovely.to.not wake up.
I am 55, have been an atheist for decades – after childhood of Jehovahs Witnesses and Baptist.
Now I find myself thinking about the Bible and trying to regain any faith. It’s like the only thing left for me. This waiting for death is just terrible. Lay here for hours and hours.
I know it’ll get me one day, but the waiting is like Hell.
I agree with you Martha. i feel very similar, except i have not had a long relationship, nor with an alcoholic. The dating though you have summarised in a nutshell.
I have lost hope as well. I think even when young, men want someone bubble-headed, someone carefree, happy, confident and of course beautiful sexy and a porn performance artiste. Like Goldie Horne, who is also not offended by sexism. Responsibility wise, they seem to think they go to work and the woman does everything else, while he does his hobbies or obsessions. So you have to be very strong and practically prepared to live as a single mother, with an extra child. Maybe income would be contributed to yours, if you are lucky
So the outlook is very bleak as they are still the same in their 50’s and they are already old looking and mostly boring, with no spark of general intellect, nor interest in a woman as a person. nor in building a happy future with a decent lifestyle together.
The good news for you is that you have a profession that many would envy. You earn a decent salary and have confidence in your skills, you also have good pension to look forward to. That is not the case for the majority of the population. So you can have a good life without needing a partner to help out. Don’t forget that men are NOT partners anyway. So you are not missing out on anything.
I suggest you start to make female acquaintances without delay, among the outward bound, adventurous, lively and active types. There are plenty of them. They will be the ones who provide a diversion during your free time from work. The man will likely never turn up, so forget about it until he does. Until then you are building your alternative activities.
You could even buy a place in Benidorm and make very outgoing [British] friends out there, if you are so inclined. it could become a second home with sea. sunshine, salads and a brilliant social programme.
You might has well add this corny statement to your profile that i have seen on a few men’s profiles – “I am not looking for someone i can live with, i am looking for someone i cannot live without”. That covers you for the refusals you have to make, and deters the time-wasters that you otherwise would get, trying for a plaything.
By the way i am more despairing and hopeless than you are about muy life, I am also waiting for death because i have no successes like you do and nothing to look forward to because of my personality low self-esteem, attracting abusers etc. If you think you may have that problem, there is a support organisation, attached to AA. called Al Anon, for friends and family of alcoholics. Ah, #i just remembered the problewm is termed co-dependency – enabling addicts or tolerating their behaviour, etc.
Beyond that, there is a type of therapy for ‘C-PTSD’ which applies to both addicts and those from disturbed families who cause emotional difficulties in their offspring. I think that may come under co-dependency therapy too.
I can’t remember the name of it. it was written by a nurse in American called Pia Melody [yes, really] who herself was an alcoholic nurse. She wrote her own therapy programme and got addicts referred to her at the hospital to try it out on. Look online for her name. She has videos on youtube. She is not very approachable as a person, but there is another youtube video of slides by a friendly positive guy at an Australian private treatment clinic that explains it very well. The guy reads and chats about the slides. He is Australian and had a C-PTSD upbringing and addictions. He got out of it using 12 steps and a sponsor. but he offers Pia Melody’s therapy at the private clinic.
If I call the crisis line they will tell me to.practice deep breathing I don’t need that. I need someone to listen to me.
It’s a gamble as to who you get, but I would recommend the Samaritans [UK]. Some are like the crisis line and tell you to get fit and join groups, do voluntary work. But since the lockdowns there is a lot less of that, I have noticed. They do try to turn your story around by asking how you cope and what you want to happen etc, but if you can brave that, most of them do listen and some even seem to understand and are genuinely warm.
Talk to a professional, people say. Has anyone priced “professionals” lately? Here in my small town, they cost in the range of $150/hour. Know what I make? $20. So I am supposed to work for a day and a half to pay for one hour of some joker’s time just so I don’t want to die? Now THAT makes me want to die.
Hi Meg,
You’re absolutely right, professionals are often very expensive.
However, there are resources available at lesser cost. I recommend you call the National Helpline (see the link) as they may be able to point you to the resources right for you. Also, there is a mental health service locator tool here, that may also be able to point you towards resources that are available on a sliding scale: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
I know getting help isn’t easy when you can’t pay exorbitant rates, but it can be done. You can feel better.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha, is it? A lot of people are aware of the hotlines, they’re in songs, tv shows, movies, ads, news channels, and more. We know about the hotlines. What our dear Meg is saying, is psychologists, therapists, etc are expensive. They cost a fortune, we pay a fortune to achieve a life of dull sadness rather than emotional distress. However, we are told that we need this or we aren’t dealing with our problems properly, so, please, explain to me how I am supposed to balance out my stresses and worries with someone is a stress and worry?
Exactly. I have pretty good insurance, but still can’t afford to see anyone regularly.
Currently I suffer from wanting to die. This takes the form of both active and passive. The worst is in the mornings in which it is so bad I think of taking my life and or pray to God to take it for me. I haven’t been seriously depressed in decades but am going through a difficult divorce in good part my own doing. This is a hard fact to live with. I’ve lost my wife, unified family, my business partner, soon to be my house and a large chunk of money, not to mention my dignity and reputation. These are things that aren’t going to change.
I now have to somehow forge a new life when it’s the old one I really wanted with a few necessary changes. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen now. I’m having a really hard time accepting it. Every morning I wake up early and it hits me what has happened. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare, one in which I desperately want to wake up from it. Horrifically it is all too real. And the hardest part to live with is it is my own doing.
It is not just forgiving myself that is a problem, though that is a serious challenge at best, but I can’t accept the consequences. The fallout on top of it all has been extremely painful. The major things that are stopping me from taking my own life are my children and the spiritual consequences of doing so. If there was nothing on the other side I may very well have done so by now. But I know it is terrible karma, I just am having a hard time living with myself on this side of the veil.
Hi Steve, I have just read your post and I am just wondering how you are at the moment, as your post was written 19th October, and I am wondering how you are feeling right now? Regards JC
The only thing that stops me taking my own life is the effect it would have on my son. I wasn’t a good father when he was a child. Didn’t give him the attention I should have and I don’t want anything else to upset him.
wow, every wish you listed on the passive suicidal list is exactly what I think and feel when I’m going through a depressive episode. I suffer from bi polar type 2 and I just want to let you guys no that therapy helps along with the right medication. Sometimes it is hard to keep taking medication that has little to no result and many side affects but there are many alternative options as well such as: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CTB), seeing a Community counselor regularly in your home or out in the Community through Canadian Mental Health Association CMHA…. The stigma about mental illness is real and people need stop being so ignorant by thinking it is a choice. Often people don’t understand depression and they say stuff like ” I hope you snap out of it one day”. Would you tell a diabetic or someone who has cancer that “you hope they will snap out of it one day”, NO obviously not. I am so grateful for everyone that has posted their story, don’t give up. Mental illness does not have a race and it does not matter if you are rich or poor, married or divorced and it is not something to be ashamed of either. You can still accomplish all of your dreams no matter if it takes a bit longer than “normal people”. I am living proof of that because it took me twice the time but I finally graduated with my Social Service Worker Diploma (SSW) in June 2019. Although I’m educated I still have to get treatment for my mental health. It does not mean that you are crazy, stupid or lazy because you have a mental health diagnosis. It just means that you need the right treatment and the right support team. When I’m feeling lonely, isolated and depressed I tend not to clean my house or go outside unless I have a purpose to go outside such as meeting a friend for lunch, school or a job interview. Keeping yourself active with a positive social network of family friends and a professional counselor helps. I know diet and exercise helps as well, hopefully I get some motivation to actually start and stick to it. Don’t give up, seek help and me honest about your negative thoughts and feelings. I wish all of you the best, good luck!
Hello. Do you journal daily? If so, is it on an app, paper or computer? I usually can’t see what mood I was experiencing until a few days later. Right now I’m miserable & don’t recognize when the change began. I’ve always been a believer that we have a need to fill in the blanks. “I feel ——-, it must be this reason or that reason”. When the truth is- because of chemicals in my brain, I just feel sad etc. today. I hope journaling will help, although historically I’m not consistent with it. I really liked your book. The illustration of the merry-go-round was especially helpful for me in explaining the different facets of bi polar. Catt Lawrence
So what do you do if, hypothetically, you’re a man whose girlfriend is 5 foot 8 and 300 pounds, while you are 5 foot 7 and 120 pounds, and your girlfriend decides to slap you around four separate times? Like, again, completely hypothetically, she slaps you across the face twice, once as a “medical procedure” to “snap you out of it”, and the second time was because she was emotionally compromised because of watching a movie. The third time, she knees you in the balls because she had a “hard day”. And then she LAYS ON YOUR BACK, WRAPS HER FOREARM AROUND YOUR THROAT AND STARTS CHOKING YOU OUT?! WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?! REPORT IT?! OH, WAIT! SHE HAS A VAGINA, AND YOU HAVE A PENIS, SO YOU GET FUCKED IN ADDITION TO GETTING BEATEN.
GOD FUCKING BLESS GODDAMNED INBRED AMERICA.
I don’t know what God-awful State you might be living in, besides the ‘State of Severe Abuse,’ but where I live in the Northeast USA, when the police are called they arrest the abuser, male or female.
That happened to one of my (rather posh) nieces when she and her fiancee were arguing, and a neighbor called the police. She had slapped him in the face, and her long fingernails had left a small scratch mark on his cheek, along with some redness. Despite her fiancee’ s vehement protestations to the police…they cuffed her and arrested her anyway. About $10,000 later, and although she still has a criminal record for Assault & Battery, they are still quite happily married some 15 years later. (It isn’t like she ever had to apply for a job again – he’s quite wealthy.)
My advice: Tell your “hypothetical friend” to give that “lady” her walking papers, and move on if you can. if you can’t, the next time you have a mark on you, call the Police. My husband is a retired P.O., and they can, and *must* (in most progressive US States) arrest the abuser.
I have lived with this for years, if you can call it living. I call it my hell on earth. It is such a horrible place to be in when not a day goes by that you don’t wish you were dead. I am on 100 mg of Zoloft. I’ve never been diagnosed bipolar, just severely depressed. I haven’t worked in years. I have had serious medical issues as well. I don’t have any emotional support. I feel like a burden so I don’t reach out to anyone. I can’t afford mental health care anymore. It didn’t change anything when I did get it. I have terrible anxiety. I am afraid of driving. I don’t like leaving the house. I feel like if I did try to commit suicide that I would screw it up somehow. And my life would be even worse because of it. What a horrible way to live.
I came across your blog just by searching for mental health blogs. I am really glad I found this post. I have felt like I wish I wouldn’t wake up or I wish I could sleep away life and watch it pass. I do not act on that and continue to keep pushing through with the help of friends, family, skills and pills. I wish there wasn’t such a strong stigma that people look at you different when you are diagnosed with a issue such I have ptsd and adhd It not easy but with skills pills and support I have a ton of support. I also blog I am a new follower. Thank you for sharing.
the preceding comments bring back the despair of depressions of the past — i am grateful that it’s been quite a number of years since i’ve known such darkness. natasha, you’re doing a real service here, calling attention to “passive suicide,” a state of mind which in some ways is more dangerous than active suicidal behavior. when i’m feeling low (and not necessarily even depressed) i have to remind myself to be extra careful, especially with my driving. also, it may be a “boy thing” to become carelessly brave, eg, taking stupid risks which may seem brave to outlookers but which are rooted in a basic disregard for one’s own safety.
just as a message of hope for other commenters, especially “blitter,” i’m someone who went through years of failed med trials before i hit upon a winning combination. it was a very hopeless time. still, when your first treatment actually works, life is never the same again. the knowledge that i was able to get well once sustains the hope that, should i fall again, i will be able to rise again.
Counting the hours and minutes til I can take my tablets and then the waiting for the sleepers to kick in, is the releif I look forward to at the end of yet another idark day, of a very dark week, of a very dark month. Nightmares are my friends, and are disturbing, but you awake knowing they are not real, eventually. Unfortunately when you awake you cannot say the same for the day you wake to. Those few seconds where you awaken and your brain has not realized yet what your lifes reality is, those few seconds are wonderful. For within five seconds, your mind will put on the backpack you carry with you, full of its mental and chemical baggage that never seems to empty.
I’m probably not in the best mindframe to be writing this, however, I want to thank you for sharing what you’ve written. But you know what it’s like when your eyes read something, the logical part of your mind says, yip, that’s right, but then the all enveloping creature that lurks within crushes and makes a mockery of the thought that escape is ever an option. That evil darkness that smothers any and every ounce of strength and hope then, continually stands beside you, telling you anything it can to sap your will and desire. That’s where I am at and have been for so long.
My bipolar I fight. I’m medicated, and still willingly step onto the med-go-round as things both new and stop working come to the fore. Your description of a cocktail is correct, but it’s the juggle of so many things. Medication is such a small part. Support networks who actually work. One decent loving friend. An environment where stress is almost non existent. Escape plans, strategies, down time, listening to your body every minute of every hour of every day, they all come together to make a day at very best worth living.
There are pockets of relief. 30 seconds here, five minutes there, that you can escape your mind long enough to be able to laugh or enjoy a moment, before being sucked right back down to the reality, and quite often realize that what you laughed at, or enjoyed was because of someone else or something else that you end up realizing was not you, or is not, rather cannot be yours due to life circumstances. Bipolar ruins your life.
Yip, this sounds like a total contradiction to what you have written. I have had relief all the starts alighn, meds, support, environment all come together to work at different times during my life. Some have lasted month, or even a few years. But it never lasts. And that is a reality that everyone I believe with bipolar needs to accept Is that the fight is worth fighting, but the goal you fight for needs to change. Very few escape bipolar to the point where they do lead a normal life. I’ve had 20 years of fighting, where I have both flied in a professional level and with a family, to crashed and burned being alone and loosing everything sitting in a Psych Ward. I’m doing a DBT class where the focus is on “making a life worth living”. I think that should be “making today worth living”. The energy for tomorrow doesn’t exist.
To those that have managed to escape by finding the right medication and set of circumstances and people to stand by you, treasure them with your life and your very being. Do it today. Tell those you love that. Show it. The darkness lurks, but I am honestly at a point where I will try anything, work with anyone, but no longer hold hope that I will every have a life that I would call “worth living”
You have that right, I can hardly believe someone else on this planet knows what it’s like.
To pray to beve taken “Home” & feel guilty for praying, because, by God,
“He came that we might have LIFE & have it more abundantly!”
(So get with the program already, & stop complaining!)
Sound familiar? How nice to be able to state how you feel without facing the tyranny of the “shoulds”-
Being “should”ed on, lol.
I like that. A day worth living. That works, if you work it, which I don’t always have the nads to do, and those are couch days.
Guilt perches just above my sternum and squalks at me relentlessly like a mother-in-law from hell.
But for that one person in your life who knows, who has seen you eat dirt and still comes over to make sure you have soup in the fridge?
Wow.
You’re right about letting them know how important they are.
Its been about 100 decades for me and sometimes I still can’t believe it when I get that familiar feeling-
“Oh NO!
Another day?!”
Bam, the guilt kicks in:
You have a warm place to sleep, you have food to eat, someone has watched over you all the days of your life…
When are you going to wake up with GRATITUDE?!
& The dialoge begins.
Which “positive thinking” book do I read TODAY?
Sigh.
I am sorry I didn’t “grow up” to be what/whom You wanted me to be, right?
Darkness is a very very real thing I used to be on 6 medications. It all started at puberty at age 13 started with one medication and led to taking 6 different kinds of meds I slept for 12 hours at a time woke up groggy and barely able to function by the age of 16 I planned to kill myself and I went to tell my one and only friend and he offered me some pot and I suddenly didn’t want to die for the next 3 hours I was so relieved it slowly over the years drew me in farther and farther into addiction first pot then alcohol to amplify the affect it worked for years about 10 to be exact… but then that was no longer enough I needed more to make the pain go away. I searched out many other drugs to alleviate the pain within. It lead me to eventually the very same feeling of hopelessness I originally started with. One friday I did not go to court for a traffic ticket. A warrant for my arrest was issued and for some reason 6 cops showed up at my door to take me to jail. When I arrived and told them I did not want to live I was placed in solitary confinement. This is where my life changed. Horrified that I might be brutally raped or worse I called out to God who ever he was. And that’s when it happened. (Warning this is going to sound very strange) the whole room turned Gold and I experienced an extreme peace for the very first time. I felt this strong need to confess all the wrong I have done in my life and I suddenly became extremely thankful and could see the darkness in other and how they all carry this pain around. Its amazing.. after I left jail after a few days after being medically cleared I started to come off all my medications over a years time all the doctors could not understand how I was doing it. But I did. PRAISE JESUS. but today the darkness tried to come back after 4 years of being freed of my bondage. I went three a very familiar pain all day and night desiring to die. I started to read these comment on this page that I’m writing on now and remembered I can now cast this off of me in the name of Jesus now that I have his power living within me. So i said in a bold tone ( I SPEAK TO YOU DARKNESS I BIND YOU IN THE OF JESUS AND COMMAND YOU TO GO GO GO! IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!) once again I have been freed from the bondage of Darkness. And felt compelled to write this and let you know what just worked for me. I feel at peace now.. :)
I am sorry for making this comment about something not having to do with this particular video but the comments in the others got closed down. I don’t mean to be bitter but when I was little I was given this death sentence by my parents who though my light case was so necessary that I needed my life destroyed. Well I got Karma two months ago when I was called to visit my dad on his death bed and I went in all nice, said hi then spit on him and spilled coffee on him. Please don’t be mad at me after all this man did something that prevented me from ever getting a job in my life I had to literally flee countries so my medical records wouldn’t follow me. I know I’m long winded but when I say what they did was worse than when I was raped I wasn’t joking in the slightest.
What the f* ck did they do to you, man? -Fiona, from Shameless, except born in a cult on top of it.
I’m not bipolar but can relate to this – having suffered a major depression with severe anhedonia for 2 1/2 years after a relationship split. While I was doing everything that I “should” do (according to the ‘outside world’) my inner world just wished there was a morally acceptable way for things to come to an end. It’s a horrible existence when there’s no joy in anything that you do anymore – with no sense or future or point in doing anything. I’ve now come through that but only because I spoke to my doctor about how I was feeling. After that came a year or so of medication (which WILL affect how you think and perform on a daily basis – plus can take a few different approaches before you get the right drug and dosage) but it was enough to lift the weight around my neck. I’ve now been medication free for 16 months and life has a future again :) It takes time and patience, but it CAN get better. Talking with someone about how you feel is the first step.
Thank you, Natasha, for writing this post (and the many others) that help people cope with their mental health.
Hi from Australia Tracey! I read (& often re-read) every one of your blogs, can always relate to the topic, and on more than one occasion they have helped me to keep going. This one in particular is so relevant to me… My last depressive episode lasted about 4 years, with lengths of passive suicidal ideation lasting years and active depression phases lasting months & months, a few times needing ECT to break them, with terrible consequences for my memory and cognitive ability. My docs & I have finally found a cocktail including an antipsychotic, mood stabilizer and low-dose antidepressant, that’s working well (for now – I have treatment resistant BP1, so while I live in hope that this mix will work for many years to come, I am still prepared for the alternative). I have also found that talking therapy, CBT & Mindfulness does help me when in a passive suicide depression, even though the effort is amazingly huge & at times seem to be worthless, it definitely makes a difference… Anyway – I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and invaluable knowledge sharing, I have shared your blog with my family to help them gain some understanding about life with bipolar. Keep up the awesome work!
Thanks, Natasha, for another great article/blog post. I know about Passive Suicidal Depression. I’ve experienced it many times, starting with around 2004-05. I didn’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and occasionally eat. And forget personal hygiene – that took a backseat to my depression. I also know about suicidal ideations. I once tied two belts together and checked its strength without breaking. It broke, btw. I also thought about sitting on my deck in freezing cold weather (15 degrees F) and dying from hypothermia. That lasted only a minute or two. I’ve always hated being cold. I’ve also prayed many times that I wouldn’t wake up. In January of ’05 I was diagnosed with bipolar.
My doctor tried Lithium on me, but it didn’t seem to help any. I’m now on a cocktail, as you call it, and that includes an antipsychotic. I’m almost always in a good mood now, and I love to laugh. A far cry from 2004!
Thanks again! (I hope the “two belts” reference didn’t trigger anyone.)