People contact me and ask me to advise on many subjects and one of them is whether they should go public about their bipolar disorder online. People often want to know this because they want to start a blog or in some other way express the challenges of bipolar disorder. Usually, it is with the best of intentions that people ask. Usually, people want to go public with their bipolar disorder online in an effort to help others.
However, I tend to be the bearer of bad news: I do not generally think people should go public about their bipolar disorder online.
Going Public about Bipolar Disorder
As Dr. Kimberly Dennis MD of the Timberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center (and sponsor) says,
Most people lack education and understanding of mental illness as diseases like any other medical disease. With ignorance can come stigma, prejudice, discrimination, and other negative social effects. This can come from those in the medical community, lay people, the mental health community, and/or religious communities.
Now the bold there is added by me because I want to make a point – if even a doctor admits that other healthcare professionals can discriminate against people based on a mental illness diagnosis of bipolar disorder, it’s something to take very, very seriously.
Going Public about You Bipolar Disorder Online
And while Dr. Dennis’s points are well taken, I think she’s failed to mention the implications of doing it online. And that is dramatically increased harassment, hate mail and becoming a target of antipsychiatry groups. I cannot overstate how incredibly nasty these people can be. I’ve received death threats.
And the one that people rarely think of: once you come out online, you can never take it back – ever. You will never erase what you have said and what you have done. It’s always there if someone really wants to look for it. And remember, future employers really do want to look for it and admitting to bipolar disorder can severely impact your ability to get hired in the future (not to mention possibly endanger your current job).
The Benefits of Going Public about Bipolar Disorder
All that being said, there are benefits to going public about your bipolar disorder, as Dr. Dennis says,
The benefits of going public include: freedom, letting go of shame, living with integrity, educating people, and raising awareness of the disorder.
These are things not to be taken lightly either. Not hiding what can be a very major part of yourself can be absolutely freeing.
So, Should You Go Public about Your Bipolar Online?
According to Dr. Dennis,
In my opinion, in stable recovery, the benefits outweigh the risks. If women with breast cancer were not available to be public about their illness, there would be far less awareness and money donated for research/treatment.
(Note she says “in stable recovery.” This is not advice for people not yet there.)
And I agree with her – sort of. I think that reasoning makes sense for going public in real life, but not online. In real life the fact that I have bipolar disorder isn’t a secret and I like it that way. I do believe it is healthy to be open about who you really are to the people you care about.
However, this is not the case online. Online, literally millions of people could know about your status and you won’t care about any of them. They, on the other hand, may very much care about making you regret being open online. There is very little for you to gain and a lot for you to lose. I think few people can withstand the scrutiny, prejudice and discrimination that take place to a public, online, bipolar figure.
Understanding that though, there is a tiny fraction of people who can withstand that pressure, do understand the risk and are prepared to face up to it. For these people, going public about bipolar disorder online might be okay. But it’s something that requires much thought before undertaking.
I would love to post my bipolar status online, only to hopefully educate others about it. But, I don’t. Here’s why….I have a young son, still in elementary school. He and another little guy got close and liked to hang out. So we moms started to as well. Seemed to be going well IMO. Honestly don’t remember how BP was brought into the conversation, but it was. I think she was talking about a woman she knew who had it. I admitted that I did, thinking it may help with her friend.
WRONG. The next day I was already unfriended on FB, and she will no longer let my son play with hers. Seriously. I was dumbfounded. It’s not like it’s catchy or something. And more so in this situation because my son is adopted, we share no genes. So my son is now dealing with a situation he doesn’t understand nor can I explain.
I don’t know if she told other moms or not. I’ve been unwell so have not participated in a lot of school stuff. And now I’m scared to make friends who dump me the same way she did. But the biggest reason is I don’t want my child to be pulled into this mess. It’s not his circus. Period.
Lets start out by saying by the way I am not Bi-Polar. Never have been, never was. So much to say and a little disjointed in my effort to say it. I was Born with Aspergers and Tourettes Syndrome and also a non-physically hurtful version of (Verbal) Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I was mis-diagnosed and put on medications that were and still are downright dangerous.
I have Federally protected classifications of Social Security Disabilities of which even you although you are Bi-polar do not accept my disabilities. No, I am not down on you, but even if you were to accept that I have medical documentation, proof, if you would, that says when you purposely antagonize myself, gee now, duh, I have a perception disability called Aspergers that make social interactions almost non-existent, so getting back to once you have antagonized myself, my perception, that Vulgar, condescending, obnoxious and a hundred other synonyms will come out, EVEN YOU regardless of the why, specifically if you were partially at or not at fault, were responsible for what I perceived, I would not have verbally spouted off if you were not there in the first place.
So now, lets, get back to coming out of the closet so to speak, as for revealing whom and what you are. It is none of my business if you were Afro-American, Chinese, purple, or Jewish like myself. The people that you associate with whom once they knew you had whatever, determine although as you put it and I will quote you ” So my son is now dealing with a situation he doesn’t understand nor can I explain”, Racism and Bigotry has been around since time immemorial and I feel bad that you have to show your adopted son what he should not have to deal with until he was a lot older, intolerance, of that what is different.
Hold your son close and teach him how to cope with insensitivity and he will even at a young age will be able to adapt, but whatever you do, please do not, not tell him whats going on as he will potentially think at a impressionable age that “HE” was the reason for why he is not allowed around his friends anymore.
There are Bi-Polar support groups out there and if I were you I would start associating with them. Maybe some of the people in those groups have kids that your son can associate with. There are not many of those groups out there but think of what I have to live with, as the following I am not sure of but a letter for a US Senators office whom I have dealt with over the course of 11 years is looking into validating from US Social Security Disability that I happen to be the ONLY documented person in US history that has what I have. What support group do I go to?
The following is my letter that i sent to US Senator Bill Nelsons Office in Orlando FL;
WRITTEN RELEASE Thursday August 20, 2016
I, Andrew Marc Levitin xxxxxxxxx am authorizing only
The staff at including
United States Senator Bill Nelson
Landmark Two
225 East Robinson Street, Suite 410
Orlando, FL 32801
Access to my Social Security medical records CD concerning all of my impairment codes for help from United States Senator Bill Nelson and his staff of caring people.
The CD negates any prior or future statement of HIPAA access concerning my medical records at Social Security and Medicare. At the bottom of my regards is a copy of the letter that I sent to Senator Nelson’s Office on Thursday, August 15, 2013
Today’s written request is for Senator Nelson office to act on my behalf concerning that I need specifically from the Social Security Division of the US government, some form of Validation to state that my combination of all of my Social Security impairment codes which make what I have with all of my codes, a unique person, with all of the specific codes that I have.
I am not asking for Social Security to reveal anybody else’s privatized HIPPAA information, but what I want is to know is if I am the ONLY mentally ill person on US SS Disability that has the specific classifications that I have. Social Security has all of my complete info, as you do in that Social Security CD That I already sent you Thursday, August 15, 2013
Signed
Andrew Marc Levitin
xxxxxxxxx
To Thursday, August 15, 2013
United States Senator Bill Nelson
Landmark Two
225 East Robinson Street, Suite 410
Orlando, FL 32801
(407) 872-7161
(407) 872-7165 Fax
From
Andrew Marc Levitin
4751 South Biscayne Drive
North Port, FL 34287-1611
(941) 875-1776 Pily (wife) Cell
(239) 989-5812 Cell
Dear Senator Nelson & Staff
Lisa,
Thank you for taking care of the situation with Medicare and BCBSFL for me. Medicare did indeed call me and backtracked my benefits to April 1, 2013. Just in case (and there will be a just in case situation concerning HIPAA) I will send Senator Nelson’s office a copy of my Social Security Medical records and impairment code classification CD with a written release that I fully understand that, that CD will become public record once I send it to you.
Please do not assure me that, that will not occur as I have or had stopped apologizing for this disability to people almost two years ago. I might apologize for talking too much, however that is also a characteristic of my disability. The main reason I want the Senators office to have that CD is that I will not allow one government agency (Medicare or any agency) when requested by an elected official let alone a US Senator to deny my civil rights of having you or they act on my behalf with a written consent form. Another reason that you are getting a copy of my SS CD is like I feel a great weight lifted off of my shoulders as in a sense I am officially coming out of the “Closet”. I will not hide my disability in the dark as it something that I do not want people to think that when I do have my episodes, they are not witnessing the whole me as most people including the local police think I like to antagonize people.
People that react to >me/my disability< including my wife and the local police departments are not trained enough on how to handle the onslaught of what comes out of my mouth due the disability. My wife has had seventeen years of practice on learning how to handle me, as this disability needs only understanding and empathy from the people around me when it occurs.
Mark Alexander (Secret Service Agent – Tampa FL Field Office – 813.228-2636) is a special man as he has been, whatever his background, trained in evaluating situations and people as you and your staff at Senators Nelson’s office have. I dream for the day that the girl and her video with of her Tourettes syndrome has not been seen just by 1,948,681 (As of 8/15/2013 3:49AM) but by at least 250 to 300 million people and I also hope that they watch that video at least 8 to 10 times. People that react to me and my disability which is one and the same, they are the ones that are disabled since they have a choice to not react to a situation, but they choose to retaliate against me and the disability which violates my civil rights and the ADA.
I am never again going to apologize for this disability to anyone (the animus is not directed at you or your staff).
Sincerely yours,
Andrew Marc Levitin
Social Security Impairment Code 2940
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is why I have my blog, but on it I don’t mention my husband’s name. I do mention my own because I don’t want it to be a big deal. I don’t want readers suspecting I’m “hiding” because I’m not. I’m just respectful of the privacy of someone I feel is precious to me.
I am seriously thinking of stopping my meds; not cold turkey but in the proper way dictated by my doctor of course.
These people are drug reps and who better to believe than the ones who sell it with an obvious conscience here, and hear the adverse side affects one and do might get. The only thing is that what do I do if the symptoms that initially brought me to my psyche doctor, return?
I was prescribed Paxil from my primary physician and was never warned that there was a particular way of stopping it’s usage, like never –suddenly.
So, when I’d had enough of feeling like a stick of wood, (no sex drive, no feelings of love or much any other emotion) I just quit them altogether, never knowing this was a dangerous thing to do with Paxil, until I got the crazed symptoms of bipolar/mania/depression from stopping this particular drug cold turkey. No one told me no one warned me. Mental illness runs in my family, but I never experienced the symptoms and truck loads more–I got until I stopped the Paxil. Phuck you Paxil drug makers. May you all reap what you sow.
I am openly bipolar not just in person but also online, i post my “bipolar art” online on instagram and facebook. It’s like answering their question “how am l? Or how am i doing”. They can see it and interpret it the way they want. Also I am a medical sales representative of “the largest psychiatric drug company” so I dont worry about my boss or colleagues because they are very much knowledgeable about psychiatric health. I actually gain emotional support from them. Its so ironic that the drug I am detailing to my doctors is the same drug that keeps my bipolar mind functional.
Let’s take away drugs– all drugs. Let’s let the woman in labor, punch the attending dr out, and let the cancer patient become so sick that he becomes unescessarily terminal and rots in a hospice screaming for his mother. Let’s take away the drugs for MS, MD, and watch them atrophize and die gagging on water. Take away anti biotics so we can eliminate this over populated world of ours, quicker. Take away all blood thinners and watch the clots people get, travel on to their brains or hearts, and give them coronaries.
Let’s let the schizophrenic, hallucinate, scare his loved ones to death by mindless chatter, hallucinations and worry when and if they run outside and do nude cartwheels in the streets or run away so we can go crazier as parents or spouses.
We can rid ourselves of the bipolar people too, just lock them up and throw a sandwich in their room 3 times a day, and a good book. Let’s let all of the insomniacs stay up All night, then let one get gong to the O.R. to operate on you in this condition, –and oh–no drugs for when you have that surgery, -just lie there and chant. That’ll get you thru the pain. Having a tooth pulled or a root canal, med free? Our teeth would fall out at 14 for the fear of that type of pain. We’ll gum our food instead.
I’ve had side effects from drugs–so have you. The brain is the least studied organ in our bodies, We’ve put way too little into the study of mental illness, monetarily, and research-wise. I don’t believe my doctor doesn’t want me to remain sick. He has limited knowledge. New drugs come out all through the year, we try them like guinea pigs b/c we are desperate. Just like other sick people. It doesn’ matter where your illness lies. You need meds for it, side effects or not.
I am terrified by the long term side effects of the drugs I take. I’ve already seen and felt what the wrong drugs do to me. Doctor Jekyll plls. What about tartive dyskenesia–a permanet facial tic or head jerk scares me silly.
But look at our alternatives. Had I my way, I’d do illegal drugs until I go. At least I’d be happy, painless, and comforted. Not afraid, sleepless, or sleeping all day, not yelling at loved ones and having my mood change into a regular one to an animal in a cage, looking for red meat. Crying one minute, b/c Kennedy was shot, then dancing the next –b/c our moods aren’t even close to being controlled.
Everything we ingest comes with a price, a risk. I can’t stand how I feel now-WITH my meds, let alone w/o them.
No, science doesn’t know enough yet. Do we forgo the meds and off ourselves– or be grateful that there’s SOMETHING to ease our misery, moods, minds, and melancholy? We make that descision every day when we pop our own personal arsenal of the ‘surprise’ jelly beans we take each day. It’s your call. Each one of us makes that choice w/ that small reminder that there might be strings attached to a certain drug we take. We’ll find out down the road. Sooner or later. Call me, if you’ve made it through. xoxox
So well said and to the pt. stevie. Not sure the motivation of these people. Are they tru-hope or just can’t admit they are ill. I’m not getting their pt. I know exactly how drugs are design, sold, marketed and so on. I know the greed and so on. I also lnow the abuse of the MI. I also I am sick and so are others. Being suicidal for weeks on end isn’t normal. I’m guessing this dude has never been their. WN
All of you guys….Go and watch this documentary…This is the best internet can do for you….give you fucking REAL information about Psychiatry
Nothing new Nickos. Problem is a couple of these drugs do help me a bit. Don’t make all great but do help. Other drugs are similarly designed and tested. I am sick, though have been abused by a couple psychiatrist and many police with political agendas using it as a pretext. WN
I completely disagree with the speakers in the video. They are anti-psychiatry and anti-medication advocates. In my experience, taking the correct combination of medications has saved my life. I realize that it takes time to find the right combination, but it just takes patience, faith, and perseverance to get where you need to be and some disappointments along the way. But, in the end, I feel like my normal self 90% of the time now, which is perfectly fine with me, compared to the days when all I felt was the need to leave this mortal coil due to my disease.
Can I ask what were your symptoms were before you took the drugs? also what drugs helped you?
Just done pretending.’Friends’ that can’t deal can leave.They have but if I have to hide a large part of my life then why bother.
Public, private, religious groups, doctors….it’s all the same no one cares. So why talk aobut it. One doctor said oh you smoke pot, I was extremely offended. I have recently had to change medication from an XR back to not an XR-Seroquel. I am devastated….and what do my friends say well you were on that before….so what…It sickens me that no one understands or do they want to understand. I wen to a religious gathering and shared the devastating news about my medication change and the guy said what is your premium for the month…and he said oh good I will qualify for Medicare shortly.
I have been very open, particularly online about my illness. I get right in people’s faces about it, the good, and the ugly. If a place of employment doesn’t want to hire me because of it, then fine, I don’t want to work in that sort environment anyway, as the matter will eventually come up. Will friends and family have an issue with it? Then I don’t want to associate with them. The only way we, as a collective, can create understanding, and help alleviate stigma is by showing the real faces of mental illness. Not some polished up Hollywood version that makes being sick look like fun, nor some criminal seen on the news.
My husband has a United States Social Security Disability Impairment code #2940 wherein he has a combination of Tourettes Syndrome and Aspergers Syndrome and he also has a sub Classification of 123.34 (verbal) Intermittent Explosive Disorder where he has documented proof that he is not a danger to himself or a danger to anyone that he talks to. Every single time he talks to anyone whether it is on the phone on in person he always states the term called Reasonable Accommodation which in the US government is known as Title 111 of the ADA which is a federal law called the Americans with Disabilities ACT and the DOJ (Department of Justice) is responsible for any Title 111 violation no matter how minor or severe any company who violates a person civil rights while disabled is subjected to either sanctions or criminal penalties by the DOJ. You would not believe the amount of people he comes in contact with that either think he is trash or unintelligent when he tells people what his US Social Security Federal Disability is when he has outbursts intermittently on real or perceived provocation and those very same people violate his civil rights when they state that they do not have to put up with his language as that is his disability. Now that brings me to the people at Angies list, most likely you have not heard of such a thing. So check it out as I am copying this review and if it does not get posted that Guardian Protection Services violated my husbands civil rights at least with ten calls and with the letter he sent Guardian with his Reasonable Accommodation statement which by law he must say to everyone before he can continue talking and legally there is only a few ways that anyone can respond back to that statement which has to be legally something to this effect “What is your reasonable Accommodation?
At the point my wife and I wrote that Angie’s list was preventing my review to get on their site about the company called Guardian Protection Services. In every sense of the term “Disability Discrimination” they violated my civil rights and once Angies List became aware that if I did not see a popup on their site for this company I would not have contacted them and had my rights violated. I apologize and understand what every body that posts on this site endures however I personally am not going to put up with feeble simple minded people that do not adhere to the ADA. Become proactive and find out who the Senator or Congressman is for the area that you live in and understand that they actually if not can help you in whatever your situation is but in the least they can document what you are going through and many times they can have a good outcome for you. Too many people forget that these people whether we voted for them or not are there to help us through our times of need.
And finally you would not believe how many people I have antagonized with my disability and the things that those people will say to law enforcement on me as they get overwhelmed and flabbergasted by my disability and those people lie through their teeth about me as my disability if they had accepted my statement of Reasonable Accommodation I most like would not had a bout of Tourettes and Aspergers. People have to understand that the term intermittent means exactly just that, intermittently at any possible time. If you or anyone cannot handle my disability, move to another country as the USA says it is a real disability and I am accorded distinguishable rights by the ADA.
For any of you who are on Cymbalta, it just went generic.
Should I go public with my bipolar on line? First of all my real name is Michael. I am 59. I have had this probably since 5. Back then nobody even knew. We had one PDoc in town and then they werent even considered doctors. Thats how that freaking DSM bullshit of a manual came about.To make the Pdocs part of the doctors gang. But I digress. I will ot myself by saying I don’t deserve this. I am not creative at all. My depression is horrifying and cruel and savage. My wife is with me and is beginning to finally get it. My son is a different story. I want a best friend. I need to communicate. I want to feel love from extended family members. I want my life back. I wont get it. THIS IS TERMINAL . So, where do I go from here. I cry every night. I weep. I am so lonely. Does anybody really give a rats ass? Lets get down to basics. Most of are screwed and we somehow deny it to ourselves. I AM SCREWED. I am bitter, I hurt. What else does anybody want to know? Just ask if you care to, but I don’t really think anybody here does care to. I find there is stigma from one bp person to another in many cases. Who else wants to tell more than the truth here and bear their should and come clean and actually out themselves in a way that People get it.?
First Mike we all know the B.S. of the DSM. An attempt by people to make an art look like science at its best. It seems to work in the legal system and other areas mostly as a way to pass of a complex problem to those who claim to know something people really in the know know very little about. An honest psychiatrist or psychologist will of course tell you they know very little. They will also tell you, if they know their chemistry, pharmacology, etc. in any real way they are just playing roulette etc. with these chemicals. Anyone who knows anything about how these drugs are designed, come upon, marketed, approved, researched how the trials are conducted, what the standard for effectiveness are,etc. will tell you this. I myself am creative, i think, but that is here nor there. I must tell you this though. I personally do care about suffers from this same hell that I do. I’m a 47 Yr. old man who lives in a one bedroom appt. with no job, no woman, no money and with other medical problem. I have no life to speak of. It’s 3:41 A.M. in Pa. and I have no reason to sleep or wake up. I have no money for school which is what I want more than anything. I have no security. Could be homeless tomorrow. I will definitely commit the final act before that happens. This goes on and on. If I lived years ago would have been dead ling ago. Agree about the stigma from one bp to another. Like how A.Americans more then the norm dislike homosexuals and how those very close to poverty hate those on food stamps. Agree about outing and stop pretending these drugs do much of anything for anyone.
will. Eastern PA for me, too. You stated living off the dole. i assume you are British. I was born there. You wont win the lottery so forget about the research. Loneliness and BP do not mix well and you know it. I live in loneliness all day. fearful of going completely out of my mind. THis cycling so many times a day I do not have a word for but it is devious. One minute fine,, the next minute on the floor crying with a brain that says Michael, I am in charge. I will do with you what I want. I have read on other sites how if given the chance would they not want to be bipolar and so many said no. Then they dont have the BP we have. What freaking creativity. I cant even brush my teeth let alone paint like picasso. Seems like you are in a world of hurt , also. There must be so many more like us. But no, we must stare it in the face and take it day by day. What does the end game look like . A n 80 year old person with no family living under a bridge. How many people are on cocktails of 6 and 7 drugs and are always adjusting over the course of years them so they can feel better. We are walking cash machines for pharma. Why heal us, they make a fortune “managing it”. Hah. I went to a therapist a few weeks ago who said one of the things I should try is to go to the train station and talk to people. Freaking lunatic. Yup. This is our life. Cant work, abandoned by society. No reason to smile, but we must push on. What a crock of shit.. My biggest fear is landing in a mental ward of the hospital near me. My doctor who is connected with it fearful that I go to that Stalag 13 where he even has no say. So, I come out in a week. full of more poison and they say you need ECT and if you dont oblige we will get the cops to come and strap you down. So now we are criminals? Have to go now. I am having dinner with a wonderful couple I met on the golf course. What A fine day we had drinking champagne and reminiscing about the old days. Just delightful. How many on these types of blogs would actually say they are afraid of homelessness. You and I both are. Nursing homes cost 10,000 a month now. But will they will find a drug that will heal us all. Its just around the corner but until then try all this other candy from our hope dispensary. Will, we need peace, we need love and compassion and safety not another doctor who graduated from the school of I dont give a rats ass and makes 140 dollars every 20 minutes writing prescription for our poison. But we have to hold on by our finger tips for better days are coming.. I may be crazy but I am not stupid one bit. Have you tried Ketamine , yet. its the rage and that lithium? My how wonderful it is to need a new kidney because after 15 years of taking it your renal system shuts down. Will hold on. Better times are just around the corner. I dont know all of your pain but enough to know you are black and blue from being beaten up by this disease who make so many people just wonderfully creative. Mania for me is just depression that I can handle better. Yes, we should come out on the internet, the new church of voyeurism and absolution.
Mike, sorry b.s. on b.s.. No I’m not British, I just read a lot and the word seems good. I live in Scranton, PA. Eastern PA. Doesn’t dole sound better in PA then SSD or SSI.
I live about 2 hours south of you. In PA dole means pineapple. As they say PA is Phila and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between. I wish I lived closer. We could visit each other for some companionship. But, because of these meds I am now fearful to drive. Sold my car….Just another freaking day in paradise.
Maybe one of these days I could come and visit. You must be in the Philly area as any more south and you would be in VA/MD/DE. Never heard the Dole deal. I have a nice Jeep but can’t afford any repairs if needed. Even though I’m a good mechanic. It’s the mood, anxiety and of course you know what else. V.P. Biden grew up less than 1.5 miles from me and he and one of his best friends local judge Kennedy are stellar drunks and have the state police on there side. Kennedy used to drive all over town drunk. Don’t know what he is doing now.
Forgot to make it clear Mike. I really do give a shit. If I won the lottery I would do all I could for research etc. to try to help any and all of us in this boat. I’m there brother and It sucks. I hate and am ashamed of myself. Especially for living off the dole.
Oh,man…I am in the same bad situation…psychiatrist that I trusted (they were supposed to be there to help me) damaged me with those poisons they call medication. They are not scientists but their propaganda worked good and this made us SO alone…I live alone, no girlfriend no friends,only some visits from my mother. My life is horrible and noone to understand me…Everytime I share my pain with someone he “helps” by giving me the official advice…Go to a doctor….take your medication….Psychiatrist not only are useless but they help us beeing isolated…They serve big pharma selling slow death cemical lobotomies….Of course we have to go online but even if we do…people probably will ignore us.crazy words from crazy people…they prefer the pseudoscience of docs…..We’ve been born in the wrong planet. Get a dog…it will love you without questions….the only advise I can give you….maybe 2-3 things more…lots of omega 3 can help you mentally and phisically…exercise and sleep…My love from greece
Hey dude the reason I came out of the closet so to speak is partially because of my Social Security Disability Impairment Code #2940 a combination of Tourettes and Aspergers syndrome and also sub-classification code of 132.34 Intermittent Explosive Disorder plus a few minor classifications that are not relevant to my response to you. Wordy yes, factual also.
The last time I spoke to my case manager at the Tampa FL field office for the EEOC, Patricia King, I asked her the law pertaining to telling people what my disability is and her adamant but basic response was when applying for any job you do not need or have to tell anyone what your disability is. I accepted her response however I countered with a different question to her which in my case is arapahoe or more Germain to this situation since my disability is the use of extremely vulgar, obscene, or grotesque language and it per the IED comes out when I am pressured, intermittently. Can I get fired from any job as I have been fired from over eighty jobs in my lifetime for the use of the types of language that comes out from my disability if the people that are hiring me knew in advance that I had this specific disability. Patricia’s response was “NO” I cannot be fired provided that my future employer knew in advance what my disability is.
It is not likely that I will find a mentally appealing job that can task me at 57 years old when I tell people what my disability is but I stopped apologizing to people long ago about my disability as the people that react to my disability when they have a choice not to, they are the ones that are disabled not I. Whenever I go anywhere I carry my federally approved by the DOJ Reasonable Accommodation statement which pretty much to the average person appears that I am forcing my disability on them, but I do not see it that way. There is a law in place that is doing the forcing which in my case the resistance I get from people is squelched as this resistance is similar to the crap JFK had to deal with with desegregation with George Wallace, former governor of Alabama.
I also state reasonable accommodation on the phone which when I do not get it antagonizes me and I repeatedly will call continuously until I get what I originally called for which was to buy whatever I was going to buy. Nobody has the right including local law enforcement to prevent me from getting Reasonable Accommodation anywhere in the USA. I told you this was going to be wordy.
Since I am on SSD I have nothing but time on my hands and what I do is open about thirty Google pages at one time and read about holistic ways to calm my mind and to make sure that the stuff I am already using for other problems that are slowly disappearing, does not interact with the new stuff. My cholesterol while I was on LIPITOR was 1175. It now sits at 89.
And that brings me to you about the distress that you are going through. If you want some of the info that I have learned around 124,000 pages of info and 28000 articles I will help you learn how you can empower yourself by knowledge. I will say adamantly that you still need to go to a holistic practitioner that is an internal medicine doctor and integrative doctor that is board certified and maybe even a Holistic board certified forensic psychiatrist as I go to also, in addition but knowledge is power. You need to be tested to find out all of your blood levels on everything and if you have insurance the knowledge that you will receive from these tests will empower to do what I do with both of my doctors which is similar to the former TV show called House. I became my own Dr. House to find out where I am at and where I need to go.
My major problem is my memory since I practically remember everything that relates to holistic medicine(go figure my I always forget where my keys are) I now know more than both of my doctors. I would go back to school with FAFSA however I do not have enough to pay for what FAFSA pays and also buy my supplements.
Hi Kerry,
Your post here was quite timely for me, since I was just discussing the issue today with my counsellor. She said to me, what if we didn’t call it bipolar, we called it a brilliant brain. A brilliant brain that has done and can do so much – and one that needs care and attention too. That makes it so much less of a monster that I have to battle with and much more empowering, for me.
My background in health care was fraught with frustration about labels. My diagnostic skills should have been used to get to the bottom of what is going on with a person so in order to give the best intervention. Instead, my ‘diagnostics’ were used to determine cut off points for funding against an arbitrary beaurocratic line, based on no clinical evidence at all.
In the school setting, all students deserve help and attention and all deserve to be included. Labels for this and that are required before a student will be considered as an individual. It takes resources to try to quantify and categorise students, resources that should be used to actually help those students. No student benefits from four hours of psychological testing, only to be referred to by a combination of letters and numbers rather than by their own name.
Wow. That’s interesting. That approach would certainly get in the way of proper intervention and care. Sort of like how auditors view employees as numbers and not people when making decisions about layoffs?
I like your therapist’s take, and yes it is a more empowering way to view it.
@Kerry, it is troubling how many young people are diagnosed so young, though I think BPs most extreme cases would be obvious. When exactly was it acceptable to label youths so early? I seem to remember a time when that was not acceptable.
@Judy, re: your question re: when was it acceptable to label kids so young, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is what I hear from others. I meet a lovely divorced chap who has an 8 year old son who was first labeled as ADHD and then relabeled as bipolar (at 8!) …. his MD put him on Wellbutrin and another antidepressant I can’t recall. They then took him off the drugs to see what would happen. As we all know, antidepressants can exacerbate mania in bipolars so once they take him off the drugs, they can watch for the reaction and use that information to further inform their decision re: what is really going on with him. I personally was shocked that this was going on in the States. I do know from talking to a doc in the UK last week that the average age over there of folks being now diagnosed as bipolar has dropped to 19 years of age. I going to do some research to see what is the average age in the States b/c this doc told me UK lags behind US by about 2 years …. it just scares me that kids and teens are being labeled as bipolar … and so I’m going to do something about it … and, at the very least, get better informed. I’m building a new website that discusses what is going on re: this issue and, if of interest, will keep you informed as I educate myself some more on this troubling state of affairs. I think it would at the very least make for an excellent blog post. There is a wonderful NPO called a Balanced Mind that does help kids and teens with bipolar – along with their parents. Worth taking a peek at IMHO if you haven’t yet come across. All the best ~ Kerry
Kerry
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/healthy_kids/The-Bipolar-Epidemic-in-Children–Too-many-children-getting-misdiagnosed.html
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml
many children are put on very powerful anti psychotics here in AMerica. Its crazy.
And a quote from the following link from our national institute of mental health….
“How is bipolar disorder different in children and teens than it is in adults?
When children develop the illness, it is called early-onset bipolar disorder. This type can be more severe than bipolar disorder in older teens and adults. Also, young people with bipolar disorder may have symptoms more often and switch moods more frequently than adults with the illness.
@Michael, first thank you very much for the links on children and BP. I too have been hard at work today researching this topics b/c it concerns me greatly as well. Please do see recent comment thread at https://www.facebook.com/HopeXchangeNonProfit/posts/1383311401889538 for where we are at with our thinking on this most important issue. Would love your 2 cents; and, I shall be checking out your suggesting links.
Cheers mate.
Kerry Martin, Founder, Hope Xchange Nonprofit, for bipolars by bipolars
PS. @Natasha, thank you as well for chiming in on this thread … very much appreciated.
I seem to remember reading about how in the U.K. it was illegal to diagnose the underage as to not label them before adulthood. Don’t know the specifics, but seems like labeling anyone in any country for any reason at any age etc. serves mostly purposes not in support of the individual in question. More for political, business, legal, and other nefarious reasons. Most definitely not the afflicted. Kind of another method of control , labeling and ways to gain control of the populace by those means as well as documentation and future ways to go after political and other enemies. I think we all know the power of a label. Once you label some one you dehumanize them. They are no longer an individual human. They are it. They are what the label describes and nothing else. It appears you can just create a label first with no data at all then proscribe properties to those labeled. You become the label. The box has been drawn around you and all you do and why will be explained by the box you are to be in.
How correct . Reminds me a bit about Germany when the Jews had to wear stars on their coats. I have read some of the reports about my malady- maladies. Over the years I have at least 6 or 7 labels. Insurance companies like labels. In my case they also like to send private investigators to watch your house from afar so they can catch you in the act of smiling while going to work at a job your arent supposed to have and nullify your policy or send you to a doctor for evaluation but you really dont know that they are forensic psychiatrists with law degrees so they too can help the gvt and insurance companies stop with payments. This has happened to me over the years. Now I am also a potential criminal with fraud hanging over my head. I hear with the new DSM V they even have labels for people who bite their nails. Its obsessive nail biting disorder. We must keep them away from the populace . It can be contagious PDocs now feel like they are part of the clan practicing Modern medicine when in fact is it quite barbaric. Here is a pill that will harm your heart make you lose your hair and put 50 pounds on you. Yes, we managed his BP very well. Success. But doctor, he died from a heart attack. The guy must not have had any will power. How many times have I gone to my primary care physician who said you better lose that weight and I argued with him as to why the magic candy wont let me and then to also find out I am prediabetic because of the magic candy. Modern medicine? Have to go now to get on my stairmaster and meditate to Tony Robbins tapes about how we can be anything we want to be as the incense from my meditating 20 minutes ago still burns and the new set of tapes from Silent sessions play in the background after I have filled my belly with fish oil and vitamins. AM I still outing myself? Am I sarcastic? I still believe I am human but am quite not sure anymore. TERMINAL… what a wonderful word.
I don’t agree. Labels are only negative depending on who says the word. For example, there is a difference between the Metzgers saying the “N” word versus Chris Rock.
Regarding the whole control thing – that is just paranoid. People genuinely suffer from bipolar. If people genuinely cannot see that, it is probably due to your basic run-of-the-mill ignorance, your beliefs about the world, your own mental illness, etc., and that’s a shame. Ask yourself what kind of person would use a label to dehumanize another? Do they seem stable? If you need help visualizing this, all you need to do is think of Hitler.
Seems we have hit Goodwin’s law here. Hitler has finally been invoked. Agree somewhat about what you say about labels. It does depend upon who uses them and why. Don’t think the control think is paranoid mostly though. This is also invoked quite often if not the norm for discrediting those with any mental illness. As to people using labels to dehumanize others. I think it is far more the norm than the exception. Especially among those who have never had a serious illness themselves or feel somehow privileged.
I do agree that it is more of a norm than exception, but basic run-of-the-mill ignorance generally is. Sigh…
No doubt it is an uphill battle.
Labels are only negative depending on who says the word… So now we have different kinds of labels. good labels and bad labels all dependent on who labels you. So, anyone with with A DSMV book who ranges from a student to a full blown pdoc or pych teacher who labels you is a good labeler? Pdocs et al exhibit no control? Insurance company doctors exhibit no control. Forensic psychiatrists exhibit no control? what kind of person would use a label to dehumanize another? Do they seem stable? How many so called professionals in the field of pyschiatry do you want me to list you in a 30 mile radius of where I live. Nah, no dehumanization in a mental ward at many hospitals where you are tied down to a bed and given enough meds to kill a horse.. Horror stories galore. Personally I have been labeled a drug addict because I take a benzo and apparently in many areas benzos are the drug of choice for addicts. I didnt know that, but I have been asked to leave two psychiatrists offices because they said I was an addict and told it to my face. even though I showed them my history of severe anxiety and my bipolar LABEL. More people are going to emergency rooms with xanax and klonopin withdrawal or overdose symptoms then heroin addicts. Nurse called me an addict to my face. Sorry Judy.. you must live in OZ.
Will? How are you feeling today?
In regards to control and labels with the purpose to dehumanize, it is indicative of some sort of instability. The need to control generally is.
People are fallible and make the mistake of accepting something this negative as truth simply because someone is aggressive enough to push this view. People are fallible but we have potential to see beyond this, even if the suffering of someone is beyond their comprehension and experience.
Michael, how many people have been helped with medication? I’d say there are those who are, on a daily basis. I’ve met some. We can’t deny their existence.
Sounds like you’ve had some pretty rough experiences with pdocs, but you can’t take your experience and say that is an absolute truth. And just for the record, I’m not disagreeing with you entirely. There are therapists/pdocs who are inept and shouldn’t be allowed to practice, just like there are teachers who are not good teachers that shouldn’t be allowed to teach, and people handling funds they have no business of handling (Bernie Madoff).
People are fallible. But there are those who genuinely want to help.
Judy…. You state” Michael, how many people have been helped with medication? I’d say there are those who are, on a daily basis. I’ve met some.” We can’t deny their existence.: Number 1, your statement leads me to think that you are not bipolar at all or your medication does not work for you. What do you mean by I met some? So, you are not one with Bipolar. why are you on this board.? Seems fashionable these days to call oneself bipolar maybe because so many stars and creative people are bi-polar. Why would I deny the existence of people being helped. I am one of them. In Bipolar terms I believe the correct term is managed .Helped , Judy does not mean healed. No one is healed from bipolar. You also seem to like to joust with people. My experiences with quite a few Pdocs is an absolute truth for me and I have also been treated by some that were very caring. Too bad one moved, one died and one raised his rate to $300 a session. And thank you for not disagreeing with me entirely. And what record is it for? Yes , There are many people genuinely want to help. And your point is what? Your comment baffles me since you are not bipolar.
I’m sorry. I think you completely misunderstood and are taking things out of context.
I don’t believe I said anything offensive and I am commenting, not jousting.
Helped means managed, and yes, I had the pleasure to meet others who have suffered the effects of this disorder, and came out the other side alive and quite pleasant, and willing to tell me that they understood and that things can improve. This occurred during a time when I needed to hear that, and to see that because I didn’t believe it and I was extremely depressed and shaken. And maybe I still don’t believe it entirely, BUT I just don’t think we should discount those who do take medication and achieved a level of wellness because they do exist.
You are also not MY doctor and are not allowed to comment on that aspect.
Anyway, take care of yourself. I know it is hard. That, I do know.
This article has obviously hit a raw nerve with a lot of our bipolar tribe and understandably so. As someone who has started a nonprofit to empower the bipolar community and as a Admin of a private BP group on Facebook, I am not only out about being bipolar but I care deeply about our community.
I think we are skirting a larger issue here and that to me is the core problem of people being labeled for life as bipolar via the ‘bible’ wherein there is zero scientific evidence that can prove someone is bipolar, manic depressive, ADHA and the like. You can go to one MD and based on your symptoms and more importantly what you’re willing to disclose, you will be labeled as this. Go to another MD and you will get labeled as that.
But what concerns me the most is that children and teens are getting ‘labeled’ bipolar at earlier and earlier ages and are being giving drugs that have not been tested on populations that age. How you you possibly tell if a child who watched their mother being murdered and is suffering is now manic depressive? If a teen who is going through puberty and is moody and acting out is bipolar? There are no blood tests. There are no medical procedures. It’s the opinion of the MD you are seeing. And, based on being labeled as bipolar, you are thus thrust into a world without hope. Forced to wrap your head around the fact that you have to take medication for the rest of your life to be ‘normal.’ What is really wrong is that we should be labeling people period. Its quite possible that people who are diagnosed as bipolar as just suffering from a shitty upbringing and devastating life circumstances that would put the most balanced and ‘normal’ person into a state. Its quite possible that people labeled depressed really have a Vit D deficiency or a low-functioning thyroid, both of which lead to depression.
Until we as a community come together and put an end to labeling people as this or that, and until we address the fact that our children and teens are now being labeled at younger and younger ages, we are leaving behind a new generation that is at a great disadvantage that the BP tribe today. That scares me when 50% of BPs today try and take their lives and 20% succeed. I fear it’s only going to get worse before it gets better …
Kerry. Bravo and hugs to you. Pharma wants clients for life and in many instances tey get them no matter what the reason. A figety child is now ADHD just becuase their teacher who has been teaching for 20 years is tired and doesnt want to deal with the kid. Ask a school nurse what they do all day and they will tell you they administer havy duty antipsychotics to our little ones. Their lives are now screwed but they are clients for life.. You may be interested in a database that was put together and I believe is still being constantly updated. You put in the doctors name and see how much they gave received from big pharma for pushing their poison. Dope dealers with an advanced degree. http://projects.propublica.org/docdollars/ I checked on 2 doctors that were referred to me, checked the database and couldn’t believe how much they were making under the table. Never went to them. But Pdocs want to help us so badly. That may be an overstatement but one wonders. You can always tell who the big pharma rep is waiting in the room with you to give the dog new samples of the candy.
I’m so tired of having to feel ashamed of a medical condition that I was born with. You don’t hear people making fun of people with epilepsy . Well bipolar is a neurological illness as well it just happens to effect mood. I want people to accept me , show my compassion , understanding and to simply just care. But the same thing always happens in every new group I encounter. Everything will be going fine then the first time someone gets mad at me they hold my bipolar disorder over my head and go around talking behind me either exaggerating about something I might have actually done or a lot of times flat out make things up call me crazy and get other people all worked up and talking about me to. Then all the sudden out of nowhere I will have been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion and branded a ranting raving lunatic. When I first started becoming ill when I was 13 years old and had to be hospitalized, my own parents decided that they couldn’t deal with a metal defective child and yes that is literally what they refer to me as. So they went in front of a judge and signed off on their parental rights and I became a ward of New York State. I did get married young and thank god I have 2 wonderful sons and neither one has inherited my bipolar disorder because their the only 2 people I have. My husband died 6 years ago and life has been rough since. It accidentally got out at my job that I had bipolar disorder and all my co-workers conspired against me went to the boss with a bunch of exaggerated stories and flat out fairy tales and I was terminated. I worked at that job for 5 years with no problems. But once it was discovered I had bipolar disorder the rumors started and it didn’t take long before the witch hunt began. I have not worked since. All my friends were at work and once I lost my job no one ever spoke to me again. The closest thing I’ve had to a social life was when my neighbors used to harass me. But once the landlord decided to sell and we had to move no one has bothered with me since. I was in a brief relationship but as per usual when the man I was with became dissatisfied he couldn’t just not be happy with the relationship., he had to use my bipolar disorder as an excuse made me out to be a psychopath to gain sympathy from his friends. He told all his friends he was afraid of me. I never even had an argument with him or ever raised my voice to him. But these days he has it posted all over his facebook that he bought a gun in case he has to defend himself against me. When he broke things off with me I cried, but I don’t see where that is threatening. Being made out to monster hurt more then anything. There is no educating people about this illness, even the most intelligent people just want to jump to conclusions. When people gather in groups it seems instinctual for them to derive pleasure from tearing down the odd one in the group. That has always been my experience. I got hooked on this website today because it’s the only place I get to speak and to read stuff from like minded people. My advice to anyone out there is to hide your illness. No one other then other bipolar people care to hear what you have to say refuse to want to understand and will automatically judge you harshly
It’s interesting how some people with bipolar do not experience such extreme stigma, and others do.
I have a few theories about why people stigmatize so harshly:
The ones that are awful to you probably have their own mental health issues and perhaps they bother you as a form of denial. Sort of like how some closet homosexuals will bash and harrass someone whom they know is gay so they can confirm their masculinity and pretend for another day that “I am NOT gay, dammit!”
They probably have nothing to say so they talk about other people to be interesting.
They aren’t funny so they go for the cheapest joke in the book – picking on those less fortunate than themselves. And if it isn’t the mentally ill, it will probably be blacks, Jews, the elderly, the handicapped.
They are probably narcississtic/sociopathic, but this would fall in the first category. It would also make them defective because they just don’t have a heart.
They lack independence in mind so they are easily swayed by the masses or someone aggressive enough to influence their thinking.
They are easily frightened and will believe the mental illness boogeyman story without question (I actually feel bad for these folks and they usually won’t do anything harmful other than ignore you).
It’s a way to make friends.
They are ignorant and too lazy to be curious and educate themselves.
And finally…
They’re just dumb and immature.
Now, when I was young (before my teens), what would be considered “odd” never fazed me. I knew a transgendered woman before the age of 15, had friends who were handicapped, gay, emotionally unstable, drug addicts/alcoholics, hippies, punks, rastafarians, nerds, and everything in between. In fact, I just had a conversation with a woman today who I thought was aloof but really was just shy because of her speech impediment. So what exactly is wrong with these people?
In the end, I really don’t know so I can only theorize. But unlike them, I would be curious to know.
Gail… Your story makes me mad, sad and definitely overwhelmed by the circumstances you are in. Mad, because there is very little humanity for us. We are monsters. The friends we thought we had scatter like the rats they are. You have to find out on Facebook the new confession booth of the world that your boyfriend is in fear of you? Throw him away. He is the one who needs help. You state that “No one other then other bipolar people care to hear what you have to say refuse to want to understand and will automatically judge you harshly.” I disagree. Because there are so many levels of this disease many stigmatize the ones with the horrifying level. Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2 Bipolar 3. Bipolar NOS, rapid cycling. Have we come this faras to put each one of us in these little boxes as if to say, hah, you are a 2 and I am a one. I am creative.. nah nah nah nah nah. How many levels are there now. I went to a support group a few months back to learn and share . I was actually chastised by the leader of the group for outing myself to the others as to how bad I had it. What, was I in the wrong group? No one talked to me afterward except for one twenty something who said she is fine after being hospitalized 17 times for trying to kill herself and then started arguing with me about something so stupid. I remember telling the person who took me that what she was doing was crying out for help or else after her first try she would have succeeded but neither her mother who was there and a friend looked happy. Her mother cried. but that meeting was all about an inventory.. Name , what drugs are you on and how are you doing. 10 people at a one hour meeting. A waste of gas. Out myself to people I dont know? I dont need the pain and the scorn. And to imagine I was felled when I was a Senior Vp of a public company where my words were respected and I helped people become their best and now some 20 year old and a support leader with a masters in social work is treating me like shit and I am taking it. WTF happened. ?
I still have no clue as to why one has to go public on the internet or for that matter in the real world.
About going public. While manic it seemed like a great idea. But on your best day why would you walk into a room and say hey folks there is something wrong with me? NO! I feel ashamed, embarrassed, confused and hope I can find a way to keep my mouth shut. This is my struggle. I will defend myself when necessary and not be ashamed.
Seriously. Too many ignorant peeple out there that cant be educated anyway.
You really cant educate anyone who isnt receptive to it – like the people making death threats.
Natasha, I remember you said someone put up a hate site about you. How did you deal with that?
And supposedly, we’re the unstable bunch. Sheesh…
This post is a lot like all of the others on “bipolar help” sites. 2 or 3 people on their soap boxes arguing who is sicker, smarter, more disabled. It makes me sick. I came here to find a little comfort and all I got was 2 guys trying to out-do each other. Sorry Natasha…I usually enjoy the comments. I just won’t read them anymore, I guess.
Truth may or may not help or provide immediate comfort. It is not a quick fix drug. Especially in the short term. It may even be negative. The truth may even make things worse forever, but that is what it is and I will always follow it. Fantasy, religion and such may feel good for now but will lead nowhere in my opinion. As for not reading what people write are you that bad that you can’t bear opinions different then your own. As to soap boxes by commenting you have pulled out your own. Do you wish others to burn theirs so that you are the only one with one. Seems like your saying if others don’t agree with me then I will put my hands over my ears and not listen. How about commenting instead of just trashing others.
I found this site while searching for answers. Something was wrong again and I couldn’t fix it. There I went again. Today I am tired but I’m still here. Thank you for allowing me to hear myself and learn.
I also found it looking for answers but didn’t find them again. Shall I crate fantasy to create answers. Maybe men are women are really that different , but I need real answers. i really do need acceptance same as you maybe, but in the science area I need hard proof. Reason is a tool for me. Emotion is life. I’m also lucky I woke up today, if you loosely define my hours as light and dark as day and night mean nothing to me. I really do hope happiness and the best to you even if you don’t believe or understand me. Keep fighting that is what I’m trying to do. Reason is the only way I know to do it.
I am no longer a punching bag. Good bye and god luck.
James. In answer to your post to me on 12/6…. Yes you do sound repetitive and frankly what are you trying to say for whatever it i cant tell anymore. ! post your and, the other your sad. I have had a very trying day. Sorry I cant be as macho as you. Go off and slay the dragons.
What truth? I didnt see any of it here. Dont confuse opinion with truth.
I have found no truth either. Just looking for it. Thinking of suicide again today. Very strongly in fact. I’m sorry guy to me reason is only a tool maybe the truth maybe only part of it. I’m only looking for the truth. I personally have nothing only loneliness and sadness. I just do what I can when I can. When I can reason is the only tool I have, When I don’t I just wast my ex-girlfriend at night. I have neither at times so all I have is dreams of the peace of a good death. Sorry, man. I wish I had the the answers but I don’t I just want then. Can you give me my beautiful girl back to me who wad deformed but I didn’t care anyway and haven’t loved another for 20 years. Please do it. I’ll give you all the reason I can. I’m a weak man who want’s to die for it.
will. I have been searching for “ANSWERS”, too and I have come to the conclusion that my answers lie within. NO medial miracles, out there, no special anything. What helps me is That I thought I was alone in my suffering and only i was experiencing the things I am. Finding people that actually say the things I say and fell and think like me has opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. I show posts to my wife because she is still looking for answers. And you know very well that no one who doesn’t have what we have cannot fully comprehend our plight and pain, so In many ways I come to places like this blog and others for validation of whats going on in my life. Admittedly , it is very scary reading posts like yours about suicide and others who have been hospitalized so many times. I don’t know what tomorrow brings and I don’t want to harm myself or others. I wish you peace.
At the risk of sounding repetitive. Did I get the jobs I wanted and the loves of my life because I sold myself as Bipolar. Hell no! I was the man I am. Kind, patient, giving, creative, sensitive and hard working. I left or lost all of them because of Bipolar. Not a good badge. Only sounds good when we are off center.
Now I am forced to defend myself. I will not use it as an excuse. It is a reason. What makes it a reason is the fact that I fight it. I try my best. I look for answers.
I try. I fail. I get and take it in the head and lay in bed and wonder why I would get up and do that again. It is against the nature of survival, our own instincts, to fight fear and put ourselves into it’s path.
The very nature of our being is to survive. Thank My Creator I have that in my core.
Please help me to keep my mouth shut when I do not have anything positive to say.
All the best.
What truth?
This savage ” Affliction ” attacks everything about you and will steal everything from you. Despite your incredibly giving, loving and creative nature. Suddenly you will find yourself robbed of yourself. Unable to feel. Then you feel – pain, fear, rejection, shame, unable to get out of bed to pee ( sorry ) , every move is to loud, every sound hurts, electrocution over and over, roller coaster, over and over, now I gotta pee over and over. Ok, I’ll get up. I’ll try to go out. Nope, on toilet again and again… I can’t stand myself anymore or for my family to see. I don’t want to lose them. So I’ll hide from them. Then from me. No mirrors please. I am a failure. All I want is too show them all of my love. The terrible paradox of my condition is the more I care the more likely I am to fail. Please try to understand and love me.
Notice anyone how making ” Inappropriate” comments OK furthers debate. See those who define what is ” appropriate” and what is not narrows the discussion and continues the status quo. These people and all the other censors perpetuate the standard. If and when you decide only to reiterate the current opinion your exchange will deteriorate to bashing and nothingness. Then you will achieve nothing. Those who push appropriateness are the enemy of progress and equality. Usually as well they have other motives.
James Mann….DId I write that? wow. All I can add is I wish I had some of my friends and family back. Stigma is so hard to deal with
Michael, thank you. it is so hard to know what to do or say when second guessing is second nature. I want them back too.
James. You are welcome. I go to sleep dreaming about my wife and son (the only people who I have left in this world who love me with all my heart) sitting in on white lounge chairs on a bluff overlooking the Pacific ocean and breathing that wonderful air and eating huge strawberries from the organic farm down the road. It keeps me sane. I would like to think I can make that 3,000 mile trip again to where my son lives. Last time the time zone changes really set me back for a few weeks. I digress. It was just a thought. I used to be able to fix everyone elses issues in my extended family and with my friends. Now, they hide. The rats that they are.
I so connect with “coming out” as I said that in several of my comments. I shared a story with http://www.partnersformh and facebook and twitter. I am exploding with information. I really do have so much to offer. My problem is I have 3 websites but I am a cyberidiot. Help me connect and I will give you all I can.
Too many people are genuinley ignorant about bipolar. We are almost synonymous w/ a total Charles Manson insanity.
I confided once, in who I thought was my best friend, and slowly she withdrew from me. Anoher false friend atso.
Ergo I am stagnantly gun shy about divulging what I have. What do have I to gain at this point.–more rejection? No, I just can’t. I’m weakened, wounded…Isolation is so easy.
If I were where you are, on the sucess scale, I wouldn’t give a rats ass You outed yourself, had the idea and the talent to convey, that you can sucessfully function, and are accepted, warts and all- you are BP royally.. You became a crazy magnet for so many people. You deserve it–and I envy you. I’m not where you are, and may never be, but inside me deep lies a small spark that says maybe.. And that maybe, keeps me going, as does your blog. Thank you Natasha. You’re helping me find that hidden spark. I just need to find my way out-. your words and ideas truly inspire…God bless.
No doubt gun shy, I just listened to the EAGLES song – ” Get Over It”. Ouch. Despite status we are all in this together and hopefully love the same. All the best.
For a moment I took that literally. “Get over it”. Then the hand holding gesture at the end of your comment was somehow so out of place.
I don’t know what you’ve lived through, or what miserable experiences you’ve endured, or if you even have, or how young or old you are, but I’ve had enough of this G-damn disease to choke a horse.
I don’t want to fend for myself anymore than I already have, or to argue with some moron in defense of myslf b/c of their ignorance, to live in fear, or to try to behave myself when I’m referred to as nuts around my relatives or acquaintances (as they whisper to each other, poor Stevie, she’s insane). No.
I’m already exhausted at the notion. You may be washing your “I’m bipolar Tee shirt” but I’ve long since tore mine to shreds. I’m ashamed to have this curse.
We are discriminated enough on the evening news. I don’t want to be outed. Ever.
The French called it ‘the Filth’ for a reason. It needs to be cauterized. Driven off the face of the earth–or…
or what?
I’m terrified in my own head , the only head I own. I’m tired, bitter and befuddled by it’s never ending torture. Up. down, up but mostly down. But this is my experience, and my conclusions. If you’re at ease with bipolars surprising and angry jousts, I’m happy for you. I don’t even recognize my own handwriting.
The Filth, has just worn me out- and I’ve given up. I will suffer the rest of my life with this unrelenting misery. I get ‘oh so small’ reprieves, more dark than light, more tears than smiles. This isn’t living.
It doesn’t even deserve a word.
@James Mann Your comments about the loud sounds, and the incessant peeing rang out to me. All the best.
I am wishing to respond to something disturbing. I have lived this. I don’t find it to be fun or anywhere near a joke. I have lost everything more than once. I don’t laugh at me or any one like me or what I go through. IT IS HELL. What I am saying is I will explain myself in an honest way without making excuses. I will defend myself and no longer accept abuse. I will promote sharing, loving and caring. Wellness, in any form. However you can find it. Just find a way to be the best you can be…
Stevie…. I cant say I understand but what I can say is I am there, right in the middle of it like you . I am BP1 in a bad way. I dont understand why you say “I’m ashamed to have this curse”. Why ashamed. We have a curse. I call it not only a curse but a savage one. I told a few so-called friends years ago. They are gone. My extended family basically disowned me. My neighbors stay away from me because sometimes my brain says things through my mouth that weren’t what I meant to say. Apparently I can suck the positive energy out of a room. I am with you. I dont want o be outed . Just leave me alone. I have enough to deal with 24 seven. Thank you for your post.
You say “you don’t understand why I’m ashamed of having this curse”. What don’t you understand? Are you happy with it?–no. I know you’re not. Who wants to be/act/feelcrazy? Who wants psychotropic drugs to tether your mind or mouth down? Who wants normalcy at 9:00 am
and at noon you’re a crazy person. My poor husband! How can he love me?
I have nightmares every single night since this came upon me. Many times my drugs don’t work and I’m left feeling either drunk, ruminating, shaking or paranoid the rest of the day, unless I take More drugs to calm me down. I have to pretend I’m normal in the presence of my family or friends-when it use to come naturally. THAT is so hard ! I use to be articulate, now I search for words like that lost sock in cyber space. I have no sex drive b/c of the drugs–or is it the disease? I don’t even THINK of it, and I use to love it. I like staying home and doing nothing, a little too much. I find pleasure in doing almost nothing. I have piles of papers, clothes all over and I use to be a neat freak–now I’m just a freak of nature. I also blurt things out to complete strangers- that can be so embarrassing, and can’t just press the pause button, and tell them ‘why’ I sounded like an a hole. I don’t entertain in my home anymore, b/c it’s all just toooo much for me. I can’t finish a project b/c my ADHD has arrived along with the bipolar b.s. I have almost pushed my friends away–they call and I make excuses. I have 3 books half read, lying around. My whole personality has changed. I once was happy, gregarious, and now I hide, with unwarranted depression.. I can be having a somewhat decent time and within minutes I feel like I’m a speeding Harley. I can’t STFU. It has taken things away from me that I can’t even say anonymously. Yes–I hate this curse, and desperately want my old head back. Thank you for your post, and hopefully, for your understanding of mine.
Stevie . In reply to …You say “you don’t understand why I’m ashamed of having this curse”. What don’t you understand? Maybe it was my thinking But I needed clarity as to what you meant. I am damn mad to have this savage disease but I was focusing on the disease itself. You replied and I got clarification real well. I basically live or I should say Exist in a place of very little hope. To me, I am no longer living, just breathing and ruminating and living in psychic pain, etc.The embarrassment I feel is beyond words. The shame when I walk outside and neighbors seeing my bloodshot eyes for years. I know they must think I am a drug addict or an alcoholic especially when some of my medications were a bit too much and I slurred. Most of the time I would be unshaven. And on top of it I put on lots of weight because of the wonderful candy (sarcasm) the doctor gave me and they are all skinny executives of which most of them work in big pharma (talk about crazy, and they are nasty to those out of their sphere) so I know they think , look at at that fat druggy. alcoholic who cant even get his shit together stays home and his wife has to go to work now. I used to be able to afford living in this neighborhood when I was an executive but that is long gone. Ashamed that I have to pay 40 much needed dollars to have my lawn cut when I cant even do it myself. I rarely leave the house. A few weeks back it was a beautiful evening and my wife dragged me out of the house to take a small walk with her.. In front of the neighbors I fell flat on my face. I fell because I lost my footing and having done that before I was scared to do it again. I did. There I am lying on the ground with a twisted ankle, bruised knee and bleeding from my hand and not one neighbor came over to help. I was in such pain. Took a few minutes to get my act together and my wife had to help me up. We went to the hospital because she told e I hit my head. I told tham at the emergency room what meds I was on and Overheard the nurses saying I was another drug addict becuase of 1 certain benzo I take for my extreme anxiety.. I couldnt even out myself to the people taking care of me in the damned emergency room without being judged. I havent been able to clean my office in at least 4 years let alone the garage, etc. The worst part Stevie is that I have lost all dignity because we cannot afford to retire which is coming up in 7 years and my wife had to go and plead with her brother to take us in. MInd you, I was SR Vp of a public company living the life worth a small fortune in company stock, making one heck of a living and then I got struck down real bad and had to leave. No more stock, no more income. I have paid insurance and doctors and mortgages and living expenses for the family and college and grad school for my son etc over the last 15 years out of my hard earned money and let me tell you it was hard earned and Now I have turned into a beggar for housing. Talk about ashamed. My wifes brother doesnt understand. It took my wife a year or so to understand and yet she still has trouble with it. I have aged, look like a mess. Havent bought new clothes in I dont know how long. I am afraid to talk to my son, the person who I love so dearly who has never judged me and he loves me. I remember the day we went to visit him in college and I thought I was behaving properly and when we dropped him off at his dorm my wife started crying so heavily and so painfully and basically said that I can suck the good energy out of a room and I did that with my son that weekend.. I didnt even know I did anything wrong. We talked about it before going up and I promised her I would be acting appropriately That was when I knew that the charismatic Michael who had a division of 1,000 people reporting to him and ran it very successfully and had a wonderful relationship with his wife had gone forever. Now, my wife and I have made a pact that if I am on the phone or outside in the world talking to someone and I start sucking the energy out of the conversation she uses a code word and I stop. I used to love conversing with people. I was a people person. Now I am a prisoner of my own mind afraid of everyone. It tells me what to do, it tells me to stay in bed for days, even months, it tells me when I can shower. My son is coming home to spend time with us over Christmas for 1 week. I am scared beyond words. ALl he knows is that I have a brain issue but he doesn’t know to what extent and I cannot nor will not tell him what is it. I read that it in many instances it is genetic and I am so bloody fearful and get crazy when I think what happens if he gets it. Am I going to “out” myself to hi? So, Stevie I get what you say. I get it more than you will ever know. I cry for the both of us and for all those suffering. . Still very hard for me to comprehend that this is terminal. What am I supposed to manage? Last night I finally had a good nights sleep and I dreamed of wonderful times but then I woke up. Within one minute my brain took over. The crying has started. The loneliness is back. The fear of ending up in the hospital or heaven knows what else is shaking me. Out myself to whom? Why? will it change anything for the better? BP1 with ultra ultra rapid cycling almost every day is a fire breathing monster and that is what I have. I know I wrote too much. Forgive me if you take it that way. I cant watch the 3 stooges for the rest of my life or HBO reruns. Stevie, WE WERE BORN INNOCENT …. for crying out loud. And now WE ARE GUILTY… No one wants to hear my story. They are too wrapped up in their own. the doctors will only hear it if you give them 200 bucks for a 50 minute session, no insurance accepted. Sorry Michael time is up, I can see you next week.. You cant afford to pay me that much. I am already charging you a lesser rate. Gotta run, have a better week. I cant even afford to go anymore and I can no longer trust myself to drive alone so I got rid of my car… I am sorry I made the above statement to you without more clarity.. I am guilty of what I say about others that no one really wants clarity anymore. Thats my story Stevie. Its abridged but I outed myself to you. You live it, you understand. I wish you peace. I wish myself peace… For those of you who are reading this and scratching your heads, just remember some of us have a much worse version of the monster.
Micheal. I don’t know why–but there was no ‘reply’ link on your last message?– so I’m just reaching out to answer your chapter on your own personal clip from “The good the bad & the ugly”..
The most profound statement in your mix was that we all have it differently.
“No one wants to hear what I have etc” You are absolutely right, no one does–that’s why you’re here. We do.
Misery loves company, yes, but it also wants information on where the exit sign is.
You seemed very manic, and I’m very sorry your situation brought you to being there, by rehashing a maudlin synopsis of your life. It’s a damn shame that we lose so much being or having bipolar. Our minds, jobs, incomes, bodies, hair, families support, our friends all of it. – But most of all, our dignity,
This is what I’m afraid of losing by coming out.
If someone made that crack about me– like you said that nurse did, there’d be extra security on that floor b/c I won’t take it. I refuse to. Who do the non-bipolar people think they are? John Wayne?
You’ve really had it it rough haven’t you? I think most of us can understand each others experiences up to a point, but you seem to have really fallen thru a lot of cracks. I feel for you.
Natasha said she gets or has gotten death threats, right? I don’t know if it she really took it/them to heart. b/c it was probably just a stupid, cowardly email– but bipolar really DOES kill. Thats the REAL killer here.You know the drill–we are, as bipolars, more likely to comitt suicide, have high blood pressure, deadly reactions to meds, failed kidneys, and a host of life threatening other bipolar related crap. Most of which she has spoken of here. Maybe we have to practice thought stoppage and yell it out. STOP. B/c none of us is getting out of life alive.
No one.
I hope today was a better one for you. I wish you a much kinder future. I hope it for all of us..
I came here probably because I was going through an episode and looking for answers. I was also manic and likely had a lot to say. This has been another tough couple of weeks. I thought sharing things could help make a difference. We are an emotional crew and perhaps by getting more involved I did myself a disservice. Now I am off work but I have sourced another professional group because if I can find a way to better myself, be better for my family and help others. I will. I am also learning that if I am not well myself I am no good to anyone else. I believe that I have a responsibility to do my best. Be the best “I” can be. ” I AM STILL HERE ” for a reason!
Hi all,
Regarding the “reply” links, I’m sorry for the inconvenience, they should be showing but it’s a but in the template. The developer has refused to fix it. He says he has no idea how.
– Natasha Tracy
Sometimes I wish I expressed myself better. Because I was manic I may have came across as happy or at least trying to be. Today I feel embarrassed. Not sure how to face the World. I said to my son ” you do realize I wasn’t myself and on my best day I would not choose to walk up to someone and say Howdy I’m nuts / ill. Today I am struggling with this idea of FREEDOM which I have tatooed on my arm. FREEDOM of FEAR. Well I’m not FREE. Seems every time I try to break free I feel like I made an ass of myself. I awake terrified only to find out all I did was encourage somebody. I have a tattoo that says “Freedom” and a shirt that says “No Fear” – I designed them both…hopefully one day I will live it.
Stevie… this is a reply to your 12/3 reply to me. You also didnt have a reply button. Seems like we can only reply once.. Natasha should fix that… First let me say, thank you kindly for your response. It was heart felt. I wrote a long reply to Stevie Nicks who has something in common with the real Stevie Nicks, The name. She was on a drug that I have been on since falling ill.. The drug is Klonopin. When the doctor (may he rot in hell for giving me this horrific poisoned monster of a drug) put me on one mg I felt like my anxiety washed away and I could breathe again without feeling like I am choking. Never gave it a 2nd thought until i was up to 8mg within 4 years. I looked on the internet for the 1st time regarding klonopin and there was a line from Stevie Nicks saying that getting off of klonopin was like opening the door to hell and walking in. She was only on one mg. Took me a horrific year to titrate only to 4 mg. I was scared. Coming off of heroin is much easier, they say. 2 years ago I said I have to get off this drug and started a much slower titrate all the way down to 1/4 milligram.. I was so happy. Then the baseball bat, jackhammer and the grenades came at me. Coming off the last .25mg almost killed me and thats when the Bipolar part went nuts. I went back up to 4mg . 1 year of pain and suffering wiped outto clos to the end. I am mistaken . I said I am BP1 but I am 2.. So, I opened up to you in part because of the Stevie Nicks and klonpoin article. You stated that I seemed very manic . I believe my mania is just a better depression. I dont get up one day and paint the house purple or go outside and run for 2 hours nor feel like I am driving a Harley :) I write and journal, etc. That small part of my life that I talked about that you said was Maudlin? You would need to wear depends to read the rest of it. I also reached out to you because your words were no bullshit, this is the way it is words. I like that. I appreciate that. You get to the point. However I dont appreciate the pain that you are in. You also reminded me of one of the hardest negotiations I ever entered into with an individual. She won. I appreciated every word you said and you did level set me. Thank you for that. I dont know your circumstances, so all I can say is that maybe, someday you will find yourself again. I also lost who I was. I will never get it back. I felt the break the minute I started talking in a monotone after an argument. Snap. gone. You talked about losing dignity. It resonated with me. I pray every night that I am able to make it 6 more years (I have no freaking clue how) so that when my wife and I have to move into her brothers house I will have died. My dignity is all I have left and I cant let that happen to me. She will have enough money , a beautiful roof over her head and the means to retire but the monies she will have will not support two people with the economy being like it is. So, this is where I am. I cant see myself making it through another painfully long day alone and yet I need to make it 6 more years until my insurance runs out and save it all for her. I cant even write about my son. That pain is beyond words. So, I am in a real pickle here. I cant believe what is happening. Never believed it would be as bad as it is. I told my wife when I felt that snap that I was born innocent ( I wont even get into the horrific child abuse)but will die guilty because of all the pain I will cause her and my son. T minus 6 years and counting. Perhaps we will bump into each other on this board again. Thank you again for your thoughtful and direct way of communicating.. I wish you peace.
@12/5-Micheal. After a long bout w/ cocaine, stevie (nicks) was placed on Klonopin–and probably as much as she wanted. After all, my name sake is a millionairre –and who says ‘no’ to money?
Or for that matter -Stevie? Anyway she had a miserable time getting rid of her monkey, got fat in doing so–and blamed the poor sales of an album she’d made on her weight gain at the time. Guess her fans only wanted to hear a thin Stevie sing. I digress.
4 days ago, I was hauled off from my own home, by the paramedics, in an ambulance w/ a viral flu that left me puking 26 times in one day, the big D, and a colossal case of Vertigo, the likes of which my enemies don’t deserve. As they strapped me up on the gurney, the questions came like bullets–high blood pressure?-cancer-heart problems- diabetes- allergies ?? etc etc.
The conversation was amusing in between- filled w/ jokes, light and airy. (I had none of these TG). The next queston was–“is there anything other health conditons you might have?————-It FLEW out of my mouth- like a flying pidgeon sh*ting by. “Oh. yeah, I have a NOS type of bipolar”.
Complete silence–You could have heard a fly- fart.
All of the rest of the way to the hospital, the prior merriment had simply ceased.
I said the ‘bipolar word’. –uh oh, careful…she might have a razor in her teeth.
I wished I could have blamed it on my ugly pajamas, (sick-no time for laundry) my dirty hair, sticking out of my head like a scummy yellowed rag mop, my unmatched, last minute ‘no slip’ unmatching foot booties, or the ragged bathrobe I don when I’m vomiting. Maybe even the fact that they had to carry my smelly body down 20 stairs, -it was freezing cold out, and I b/c I reeked of puke.
No. It was the bipolar admission.
Right there-I had handed them my dignity, along w/ my insurance cards.
The bottom line here is that –we need compassion. Love. We need understanding,
and WE desperately need each other.
Because only WE know what a desolately lonely and mentallly, and life crippling illness, bipolar is.
No matter WHAT our shrinks say–THEY HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA- as to how it feels. none!
THEY don’t HAVE it!!!! We are their specimens, discussed over cocktails at dinner parties. We are paragraphs in their reports to the government….sentences in their journals. We are a mere fraction of the pay checks they receive, and imo, pretending to understand an illness, that defies description.
I’m so Sorry that YOU are feeling so down! I’m a true believer in that things change b/c they do. There’s an old expression “man plans, & God laughs” and that’s what I feel about the lot of us.
If I thought I’d croak in my ball gown all cleaned and ironed, or you -in your tuxedo w/ the white tie & tails, and your top hat, on the way to the Ritz –forget it. We can plan almost nothing, but we can stick together and stay comforted & informed, just by listening and learning from each other. Hope you feel much better tonight.
Yes, very similar thing last surgery I had. Friendly nurses until they find my b/p. Can’t hide in my ins. it is all computerized and connected. Suddenly I’m a drug addict and don’t need pain relief for my gall bladder being removed just minutes ago. You see those with b/p don’t feel physical pain. As well every time I go to get my quarterly steroid shot in my knee the orthopaedic surgeon must always drag someone with him in the room. Just anyone they just stand there like his body guard and I being stupid am to think they are there for legitimate reason. It would be comical if not so insulting.
I have been “online” since first diagnosed with some form or fashion of Bipolar, 2005. Yet, not under my “real name”.
Work wise? I’ve disclosed to 2 employers.. FORMER employers and ironically, they were MH/SA employers (I am an admin, not professional therapeutic). I’ll say, couple Bipolar and Seizure Disorder and see how fast a employer will find a way to dismiss – fire – or lay you off.
My current employment (not in MH/SA but in medical, nonetheless): I chose to NOT disclose neither the Bipolar or the Seizure disorder. I did not want to have to answer so many questions and also to not be found “acceptable” for hire. I had been unemployed for several months and I could not – and still cannot – take a chance that my current employer will get rid of me.
course, by not disclosing at time of hire… and if they do find out I didn’t… is automatic dismissal for “lying and/or omitting information useful for employment screening.”
Oh yes…
Tabby..I am glad you can work. I havent been able to since 98. Fell from the top of my company into hell. Still there, just getting more hot every day. Good Luck to you
Wow..had no idea Natasha,you’d received death threats…
I read this article with mixed emotions.
I agree,once your out online,that’s it.
Yes,true,you can’t erase what’s written..and people being people will either congratulate you or be afraid or
Stigmatize you.
I feel people fear what they simply do not understand.
I also agree with the Dr.saying when recovered it’s basically a different story..
I’m not there yet,I wish…I learned a lot from this.
So,thank you..
Being bipolar,plus dreams of going into medicine,made me want to help others.
When I should simply admit,I’m just not ready…..YET.
What I liked most about this article is presented both sides, the pros as well as the cons, and I find too often writers take one side or the other. The information presented here is balanced and while, I’m gay and bipolar but not to worry because I’m already out and proud, I agree that being out is not for everyone. Of course, some people like Catherine Zeta Jones for example are outed and have no choice in the matter and for her I find that to be sad; albeit, I do hope that she now takes a more public visible stand to fight for what all bipolar people deserve and that is to be treated like everyone else and not discriminated against because of a chemical imbalance outside their control. Indeed, while everyone I know either has bipolar who knows someone who has it, there is no one I know who would raise their arm is asked, do you want to be bipolar?
My heart goes out to you re: the death threats and again I think it points to people’s fear of what they don’t understand and laziness about getting educated about the issues. In the documentary Up&Down-Bipolar Disorder, the first 10 minutes (trigger alert) are quite frankly terrifying. The film maker interviews lay people and ask them what they think bipolar disorder is and the answers are scary (if you’re bipolar and/or if you care about mental health advocacy). Please do note that it’s still very much worth watching because it not only educates people about what bipolar really is but concludes with some very uplifting and hopeful honest stories from those successfully living with bipolar.
It’s been my personal experience that people who are bipolar are from a very special tribe – a tribe that at times is too sensitive to their surroundings and to the world’s challenges but also one that gives back more so than those without bipolar. They are usually creative, good at expressing themselves (whether written word, think this author, or in song, think John Lennon), and kind hearted. IMHO the world needs more out bipolar people to get this message across but of course that is a very personal decision for each and every individual to hopefully make on their own without being dragged out of their caves. I do hope we see more and more celebrities step forward, because whether we like it or not, they can have an huge impact on swaying people’s opinions one way or another. For example, look at what Glenn Close has managed to accomplished in collaboration with her bipolar sister with their amazing organization, Bring Change 2 Mind.
Keep on writing sister and if you need personal protection against anyone who threatens you, know that I’ve got your back.
Don’t like the status-quo of the chemical imbalance mantra of bi-polar. Don’t think any of even the best theory’s have been proved. I don’t like to present science and then not be able to back it up with definitive studies. the diagnosis itself of course is rather wide ranging and quite ambiguous. Of course, you do know you have it when you do.
Will,
Of your posts I find little to agree with. The discussion about chemical imbalance is off topic. The question is about “coming out of the closet” Not the science or state of treatment.
Weighing the pros v cons. Well, you really can’t do it until you take the step there are unseen consequences all over the place. A friend suggests that learning to fly involves taking a step. You either fly or your fall, either way you have your answer. In any case, you have to take the step.
Finally gotta love your statement, my predicted eventual suicide. Several inappropriate responses. Let me say this. I was diagnosed 30 years ago, I am 60 every day’s a new struggle. There is absolutely nothing as fatalistic in my future.
Inappropriate responses. No longer interested in what you or anyone considers “appropriate”. This is the major problem facing us all. Don’t believe you have a problem at all. I’ll decide what is appropriate in my opinions and you decide yours. My guess is you will use your definition as a tool to censor. Don’t you ever look at odds. What step are you speaking of. As to what is on topic or not, didn’t you see what I was responding to. Am I sniffing in the right direction in thinking you are about to by slight of hand decide the conversation will go the way YOU wish it to go. I don’t like labeling anyone a troll or anything like that. I smell Censorship on its way when I hear “appropriate”. Am I wrong? This word reminds me of overbearing mothers and dirty police as well as others.
Hey guys,
Let’s keep it civil please.
– Natasha Tracy
Until the gun is in your mouth you will not know how fatalistic it can be, Inappropriate as in you don’t like my opinion therefore you will use your social judgement on its validity. I think those who say others are inappropriate are some of the only ones I consider inappropriate themselves. Strong smell of political correctness and control in your statement as well as denial of reality.
I was and am too afraid to discuss my mental illness online and in real life. Years ago I did it under an alias and I received great support from people like me. I never got any negative remarks. Maybe I was lucky to be in a close knit community of blogger. I’m not sure. Had I been harassed I certainly would have quit which would have been negative to my growth and ability to get support.
This is what I stand against. I oppose stigma and I oppose not teaching our children emotional intelligence in schools. We as a society can do better.
Ok I’m off my soap box now.
I have impairment code 2940 which among other things is a combination of Tourettes and Aspergers syndrome and Social Security (SS) has tied in my personality, my actions, and my behavior to my disability which is protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Whether it is agreed on or not by the general populace, when you violate my civil rights while on disability you can be charged with a hate crime as it goes towards a caste of society since I have a distinct succinct disability wherein my situation I am the only one with this disability. Carol Crow, one of the managers (941) 426-6672 violated my civil rights when then the advent of the Aspergers and Tourettes part of my disability came out.
I tried to tell her that I have the specific disability written above and when I told her that I never have used vulgarity with her due to the Tourettes Syndrome she responded before I could say anything else are you threatening me? How stupid can any person be especially when I told Carol three times that I have that disability, her response was she did not know from any disability and she said I was making it all up. At that point she called the police on me to trespass me from the store after she purposely went out of her way to antagonize me and accelerate my lack of social interaction per the Aspergers syndrome which is part of my protected ADA rights.
This is a game like many others that should be made by properly calculating the odds with the info. you have at hand and what you are willing to risk and hope to gain. Remember the sooner you come out the higher your risk and the more you have to loose. All other things being equal. Who would have thought 25 years gay individuals would have been able to marry. As for the death threats, you have more to worry about from dirty police then real action from such individuals. Best to worry about living your life then what you can’t do when already dead. As to the employment thing, I think a good strategy is this. If you don’t do drugs then stick up strongly for those who do. If not gay push strongly for gay rights. If bi-polar maybe leave that to another, or maybe the unemployed. If a man stick up for women and the reverse. If you can’t be nailed for it stick up for those who are and hope the reverse will be done. Speak for those who can’t speak and in return they should speak for you. Keep the corrupt system and the scum guessing about what innocent people to hurt and when. Where you are weak act strong and where others are weak act strong for them. This is all a very real game of the good protecting the good and letting the predators fall. Remember were all in this together and no one gets out alive and when someone pays you your speech is truly limited. Including M.D.’s etc. who wish to keep their licensing and bloggers their sponsorship. It’s all a game of cat and mouse and dodge ball. Sad but true. I’m a very tall, very large man and no problem in that area. You may be an attractive wealthy woman not so good in that area. We should all work together knowing our strong pts. and weak pts. and not forget reality and how it works.
I did the same as Dean – revealed bipolar only after I was retired on disability, in my case. Now I have little to lose. Beforehand, I was too fragile to have withstood the slings and arrows of the trolls (although I would not have believed it.) And I am convinced that my business and my primary employment could have been jeaopardised by “real life” disclosure. I agree with Natasha – revealing a mental illness online is an extremely risky proposition, only to be undertaken by those in stable recovery and ready to endure a backlash without relapse.
I will allow this: online support groups have saved my life twice, educated me more about my bipolar than any mental health professional, and provided me with a set of lifelong friends whom I would not trade for anything. But it is easier to hide your identity there than on an open blog.
Sadly but realistically there will never be recovery for some of us. Personally I take this opportunity to spread the message of the problem to any who will listen. My predicted eventual suicide when it happens will hopefully prove to them it is a very real problem and that real people die and suffer from it. The biggest problem as with most illnesses is the sicker one is the less able one is to pay for good treatment. Of course in the U.S. for some reason the very sick are to magically come up with all this money that they weren’t even able to do when they were well. I think the message that there is adequate treatment out there for most or even a majority should stop being spread. The real truth is as most of you, if you will truly be honest is. Most will spend their whole lives suffering and become resigned to it as well as there Doctors doing the same. They just fade away as there lives become less and less productive and meaningful. I consider it a terminal illness and should be staged as cancer is and compassionate euthanasia offered as an alternative as it is for other illnesses in more enlightened countries. This treating those with bi-polar as well as other types of mental illnesses as irrational is degrading and demeaning at best. It reminds me of the fool who keeps telling those with other horrible diseases to continue to pray to god for release from the pain even far after it has become obvious to all this will never happen. At least as unlikely as winning the power ball. Of course to those like myself release from this suffering would be of such a higher magnitude of importance than winning the power ball (except for maybe something that helped the pain) in it’s effect on my life as to barely be relevant.
Will… You state “Most will spend their whole lives suffering and become resigned to it as well as there Doctors doing the same. They just fade away as there lives become less and less productive and meaningful.” I have to agree. I believe that many doctors have a stigma to peopl in our situation. MY X primary physician even negated my feelings with the you can snap out of it kid. He is younger than me. I wished I had a portable flame thrower at that moment. My Pdoc who was so supportive when I was paying him 200 an hour for so long and let me tell you , most of that was borrowed money, suddenly became not as concerned when I said I can only pay 1/2. We do fade. How many times do I have to hear ECT will be good for you. Really doc? Have you tried it? The mental health system is broken thanks to insurance companies and people who should be in the system of providing help for us. So we fade away. I don’t know who to turn to anymore since I have been to the supposed best in the area. I have one friend who is even trying Ketamine because a doctor believes it will work. Nope, I agree, with you.. We fade because we cant be a good check mark on someones report just a pain in the ass.
Micheal, I have called myself PITA because that is how I felt about me asking my doctors etc for help. Who really wants to feel this way about ourselves? I know I only make progress when I stop beating on Myself. Someone I recently met who is “Rise Against Bullying” shared with me this thought – Why are you Bullying yourself? We are taking pills to correct our condition yet I can’t help feeling we make it worse for ourselves. We have had a lot of help learning how to do this…but I believe we do. We must band together and learn how to help ourselves with WELLNESS skills. Not preaching just saying. Good old fashioned stuff that is basic. Sleep, diet, exercise and Love. If love isn’t in your life try paying it forward. Ever see ‘Patch Adams’ with fellow Robin Williams? I know I bounce and If I had perfected this I wouldn’t be here but I am trying to make a difference. Maybe you all can help create a good package for most because giving up just isn’t an OPTION!
James…. I fully agree. What is unique about our situation as you know is the type of bipolar and severity and the circumstances of which one lives in with this terminal disease. There are so many side issues such as family, finances, living situation. Simple question. Will you have enough to retire on with dignity considering that healthcare even on medicare is high. I dont know how old you are, but a 30 year old has a different outlook than a sixty year old with very little in finances and family help. Paying it forward is fine but…. People like me have a difficult time brushing their teeth or even walking around the house. With BP1 and severe anxiety and depression comorbidities I am staring from the abyss with a terminal illness . Many of us, I would assume are holding on by their fingernails. Sleep, diet, exercise and Love begets what for a person who is staring at homelesness or total despir being alone for the rest of their lives. That is why when I read posts from people who just want to end it, even though I want to yell out no no no I fully understand it. No one wants to die. What do we all want . The pain to stop or become minimized. I don’t ask doctors for help. I am their customer. I pay them for their services. If they cant perform I will find another and another if I have to but to me they are basically all the same. I used to think they went into the field to heal. I have my doubts now. I digress. We all need to do what we know is good for us and are loved ones. Some of us are just too crippled by years of this savage illness. My neighbor was told she had terminal cancer.. That didnt mean she was going to die in 30 years. Only took a few months. We have a terminal disease that will last as long as we breathe. I truly understand you, but how many forms of BP are there with their unique characteristics? Then you add on a alcohol which so many use to deaden their senses or pot, etc. Then some have debilitating anxiety and depressions and usually there is OCD or PTSD and so many other issues that may be involved. For some sleep, diet and exercize and love just dont cut it. How about self love instead of self loathing. I wish I had a magic wand for all of us. or what you say are wellness skills. For me sleep was my best drug. Now it has become a nightmare. This damn illness morphs.. When I have a few good tolerable days I get scared because I know the next few days would make a good script for a horror film. There are no directions, doctors cant tell you what will happen next. Most of us who are truly bipolar don’t have a clue what to expect. A terminal illness with no road map.
Everything you just said is what triggered my last episode. From how will I live to how will I die and who will it affect. I try to say positive things because they are better to hear. However by somebody pissing on my boots and telling me it is raining or by someone blowing sunshine up my @$$ will I benefit. I am trying to share the truth while promoting hope. Damn right it’s hard!!!
I think your blog is great Natasha, but I was disappointed with the tone of this post. It came across a bit scare-mongering. I appreciate you highlighting some issues regarding things to consider before exposing a Bipolar diagnosis online. I have no doubt you have personally had death threats and think it is disgusting and such a shame when you do such great work to raise awareness and stigma.
Yes, there are trolls and we open ourselves up to that, particularly if we start a blog. When I started my blog, the focus wasn’t meant to be my mental health – but it is part of who I am and my life. So it has become. Lot of what I blog about now – partly because I have had quite a period of instability. Blogging has helped me get through these times and I have received amazing support from people out there who absolutely understand what I am going through. It had helped keep me strong and keep going.
At the same time, except for the closest family members – my ‘real’ life has shrink and diminished due to a lack of understanding by friends and stigma. My online community had become a core part of socialization for me.
As for employment – well I did consider this before I put
my real name to my blog. But I figured any future employer who ‘found out’ online that I have Bipolar and then judged me for it, well, I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway! I don’t want to have to hide in any situation and to be honest, I don’t think I could anymore. I have had too many unwell years to be able to pretend that it isn’t real or that I won’t ever be unwell again.
I agree, being open online isn’t for everyone and it does have to be well considered. In my case, the benefits have well outnumbered the negatives.
I don’t see the article as fear mongering at all. The final paragraphs balance things out. I read it as think carefully before revealing on line. That’s all. I did and took a long time before responding to other blogs and FB posts on the subject of BP.
Are you being paid by a drug company or not. You do not sound as If you have ever had the disease or not. Would you like to meet me or not to discuss this on a one on one basis without large money or govt involved. I feel as if you are discrediting me and my people. If you believe we are not worthy please respond and we shall meet. Sincerely, you know who. Thanks, will nist.
This is part of why I am not on facebook. I don’t want to have to censor myself. Yet I don’t want to leave a public record with my full identity which discloses my illness and could be used by a future potential employer against me. Once I have been hired, and I have been around awhile, I have disclosed. But it isn’t the first thing that I want an employer- or a date- to know about me.
Emily…. please remember , even if you have deleted everything on FB or on other sites the data is still there. Many companies use services that can mine that data. Be careful…
I have gone public, only because I am not really looking for a job. It is the one area I believe people need to keep bipolar to themselves. BTW isn’t this discussion, online (public). We have most of our discussions in the open on facebook. There is a private group that keeps everything between members, but, most of this discussion takes place online, in public.
For me, it was a release when I came out of the bipolar closet. It also helped explain many past behaviors in my life.n The decision is absolutely different for everyone and the online discussions can be brutal (ask Natasha). For me, I believe it was the right thing to do.