One of the things my writing does is validate bipolar experiences. This is helpful for people for a very simple reason. When you know that even just one other person is facing the same challenges as you because of bipolar disorder, you feel validated, this has many benefits and it is something we all need. Additionally, harm definitely comes from not validating bipolar experiences – and many of our loved ones do this, perhaps without even knowing it. It’s important to realize that validation of bipolar experiences actually helps a person’s mental health.
What Is Validation of Bipolar Experiences?
Validation is so simple. Validation of a bipolar experience is simply a recognition that the person’s experience is real and really is part of bipolar disorder. For example, maybe you got angry with your loved one, unfairly, because of bipolar disorder. When you come back to apologize, if the loved one is able to acknowledge the part that bipolar played in your behavior, that is validation. It’s not that your unfair anger was okay, it’s not, it’s just that part of your behavior was directly impacted by something outside of your control.
Another example of bipolar experience validation is when a person empathizes with your struggle to do daily activities like showering, and they acknowledge that what is stopping you is an illness that you can’t control.
Not validating someone’s bipolar experiences is when someone says something like, “You’re just faking it.” Or when someone says something like, “You’re just lazy.”
Not validating a bipolar experience is when someone tells you that what you’re experiencing isn’t real and they also, typically, tell you it’s not part of bipolar disorder but is some sort of flaw in you. Obviously, when people tell you this, you start to feel very bad about yourself and maybe even doubt your own experiences and your illness.
Why Do People Not Validate Bipolar Experiences?
I spent many years not having my bipolar experiences validated, and this is often related to lack of family support. And I think there were many reasons for this. I think people don’t validate the experiences of bipolar disorder because:
- They don’t want to admit that you’re sick – this is distressing to them
- They don’t want to admit to the severity of your illness – again, this is distressing to them
- They are uneducated about bipolar disorder and mental illness
- They aren’t empathetic by nature
- They can’t identify with your bipolar experiences at all and so believe they can’t be real
- They have their own mental health issues that they are in denial about
And I’m sure there are many, many other reasons, too. But the similarity in all those reasons is this: it’s about them and not you. Your experiences with bipolar disorder are real, whether other people can see or admit to them or not.
Seeking Out Validation of Bipolar Experiences
If the people in your life refuse to validate your real and honest bipolar experiences, then seek out this validation elsewhere. Not to be too egotistical, but people typically find bipolar validation here at Bipolar Burble. I hope this is something that you experience, too.
But you can also find this type of validation through local mental health organizations (like NAMI and the DBSA), support groups, mental health programs, other writings and through psychotherapy (assuming you have a good psychotherapist).
And once you start finding your bipolar experiences validated, you will, honestly, feel better about them. No, validation doesn’t fix an illness, in fact, it doesn’t even fix a symptom, but what it does is allow you to understand that you are not alone. There are thousands – millions – of us out there – all like you. Many of us face what you face. Many of us experience what you experience. Believe me, if you’re experiencing it, even if people don’t want to admit to it, others are facing it too.
You’re not going to identify with everything others with bipolar experience, but there are so many similarities and these will validate your experiences.
So, please, know that you are not alone. Know that even if your loved ones refuse to validate you, validation is out there and it is real, honest and genuine. Seek it out. It will help you face your bipolar more effectively knowing that we are all there fighting with you.
Image provided by Wikipedia.
Dear Hannah Priscilla, I read most of your long post, and I think I get what your situation is. I don’t know if you are are trying to accept something unrealistic, namely, that the bipolar person claims to have no control, whereas the spouse or significant other is supposed to (from both points of view) a doormat. Maybe you are angry??? I kinda get this from your post, too, and I think you’d be right to be angry. The bottom line is, people with mental illnesses CAN AND MUST take care of themselves. There are so many ways to do that, and they/we must learn to be responsible for our actions, thoughts, and behaviors. I wonder whether your bipolar acquaintance/ward/friend (?) has access to affordable therapy, meds, and psychiatry? We must study, practice, learn, and repeat. What you are describing is what I call “false accommodation.” Here’s another real example of false accommodation. I was in a theatre class one time, and we were getting ready for a performance. (My only theatre experience, actually!) This guy in the class was a big trouble maker. I don’t know whether he had mental illness or not. He spread false rumors that the (woman)) instructor was sleeping with the lead man in the play. She told the department head that she wanted to kick the guy out of the class. The dean said absolutely not — she had to keep him in the class. There are a lot of these things going on, where mentally ill people are given very special privileges, when in reality everyone in the school or work environment deserves the same. But, if a disabled person is wreaking havoc, they need to be held accountable, and told they must do something to change their behavior and get help for themselves.
Like you, synergy, I was always berated at home. So I guess sometimes it just feels “normal”. I have just had a huge talk with him,about this. Rule- no more berating me in front of our son. Rule: If I say no to him about something, he will run to my husband to get a better answer. New rule is that if I say no, to my son, he backs me up. It’s a work in progress, but hopefully we make in in the end.
I think not being validated is one of the worst things about bipolar disorder. The only people who seem to be able to validate bipolar moods are other people with bipolar disorder. How hard is it to say,”Gee, that stinks.” That’s all we want. We just want validation that we are hurting and it sucks. I was told again the other day that “everyone has a bit of manic depression”. Oh for Pete’s sake.
Hi Dee20, yeah, yeah, yeah, “everyone has a bit of manic depression”. I mostly hear “well, everyone gets depressed sometimes…..” Hmmm. I am now wondering if my cousin J is about ready to face the facts. He’s one of the large number of extended family members I sent letters to about my dx, and about bipolar. Not a single one wrote back with, like you say, those three little words, “Gee, that stinks.” Of course when our other cousin P had cancer, oh my…..the whole family was praying for him, sending him cards, talking to him and his wonderful (really wonderful) wife, talking with each other about P’s sad situation, and supporting them both….But me? Not a peep. J also has an adopted daughter, grown up, who, J tosses off, “SAYS she is bipolar.” However: I just talked on the phone with J yesterday. It’s about six months since his wonderful wife’s death. He is big time depressed. Says he has a very hard time getting out of bed. Maybe he’ll accept that depression is like that. He’s seeking answers about whether his condition is clinical depression, or if the symptoms are due to grief only and will go away eventually . A long time ago, I had a woman friend who was very disdainful of other people who took meds for mental problems. Then, she told me, one time SHE got major depression! She said THEN she suddenly understood what we go through. She tool Prozac and got better.
Validation definitely helps me with my OCD, too. I haven’t experienced too many instances of invalidation, but whenever anyone blames their organization preferences on OCD, or makes a joke about it, that invalidation is there. I have a wonderful therapist and a great support system in my husband and my mom. They validate my experiences, and for that I am very grateful!
I’m on this site because I’m a caretaker of someone with bipolar. I didn’t entirely understand this definition. So, I need some different examples, please.
Specifically, the first example that a spouse can be unfairly victim of a bipolar rage due to the illness. In this case, when the sufferer calms down and acknowledges that they were unkind and hurt another person due to their own pain, equilibrium is reached by the offended person just blaming it on the illness. In that case, I don’t have issues with constantly apologising for things, fixing things, correcting things even when I am 100% certain I did not deserve that treatment. I have learnt that to a bipolar sufferer, being a doormat is the only way to survive. You are assumed to have control over your reactions whilst the bipolar person does not. So, the onus lies on you to keep the peace. Bipolar people are in so much pain they don’t have room to consider the pain they cause those whin they love. I understand that they see their worldview as unique and frightening, and caretakers exist to be the calm in the storm by way of being recipients if their intermittent charm. Even though that is an absurd notion, in the case of a spouse/parent/sibling, you simply HAVE to validate as you said. How you feel is irrelevant, culpability is what matters.
Where you lost me is if, for example, a bipolar spouse is supposed to; for example, pay the family car registration and insurance but her bipolar makes her forgetful. Then her husband is not supposed (or allowed) to point out that he also is affected by her forgetfulness. For example, the car was impounded, it will now cost $500 that was set aside for her psychotherapy sessions to be released, her husband is a sales manager and missed a sales pitch because he was sorting out the car at the impounding lot, the family missed out on a business deal worth potntially $40000 desperately needed for retirement and continued quality bipolar treatment and the son’s school have called the father in because the mother forgot to collect him on time, and so his sister picked up the son and wants $15 for the gas because her husband is angry at her… I think you get the idea…
Are you saying that the caretaker should not point out that “Darling, I love you but I am under pressure because you are forgetful,”?
Or are you saying that the person is not in fact forgetful at all. Her bipolar is to blame, and validation in this case becomes more necessary to a person because bipolar is not a person? If so, how would one validate? “Let’s walk to work and leave social services to remove our son from our custody and just forget about my sister and her relationship with her husband and screw it if I’m fired and we can’t afford her treatment or end up unable to live in retirement because Darling wife already knows she is forgetful and at least she used to be autonomous,”? Please don’t read this as sarcasm or criticism. I sometimes don’t know what to do to help, and I end up keeping quiet. This is construed as being “angry” or “vindictive” or “unhelpful” or I’m accused of having mental issues acording to your definition. This was very painful to read as I’m becoming depressed, myself.
How does one know when someone is in fact one way due to illness, versus actually being in need of constructive criticism? For example, I used to have a hard time with timeliness. In my head, sincerely, it was my snooze button, public transport, my poor quality bed, lack of enthusiasm for my job and a hundred other things. It never occured to me that my choices were to blame for my always being late. Choices to sleep late, take too fine a connecting time train, buy a Starbucks for the commute… When I got fired, I had all the time in the world to answer the debt collecters, downsize my bed as I was evicted and I ended up sleeping on someone’s couch, but most of all, when I got a new job I was never late. It isn’t invalidating my person to say I didn’t keep time. It was a fact. And the mitigating circumstances (non-motivation, living far, having seasonal affective disorder, working in a foreign country, not speaking the language…) were not insignificant either. But I was always late.
Is there ever an acceptable time to point out to bipolars that they (via their behaviour/nonbehaviour exacerbated by illness) need to incorporate new strategies (e.g. writing things down if you are forgetful) into their treatment? Can this be done without being accused of invalidating someone? Is it possible that a spouse or caretaker can also get tired, overwhelmed or unwittingly interpret things which are actually just selfish and poor character (like forgetting things which could have been written down or delegated to someone who isn’t ill before things got out of hand or tardiness) as being such? Or is pointing out legtimate flaws independent of the illness also invalidating? If so, how do spouses, caretakers and loved ones balance this?
Hi Natasha, I’m writing you from halfway across the world (I live in Asia) and I wanted to thank you for writing this post about validation. I live in a society that neither cares about nor understands bipolar disorder and therefore blogs like yours are a precious resource to me. My dream is to one day live without having to constantly hide my illness and I wanted to say that I respect you for being brave enough to live life on your own terms, illness and all. Thank you for just being you, keep writing and stay happy :)
Dear Sharmila, Your story is a sad one. It’s a sad thing about how you, and other people there where you live, can’t face the difficult fact of life — that there really are people who “don’t fit into the mold” of what the society wants everyone to be like. I know there are many societies that do not want to face the fact that some people just DO have mental illness. I’m wondering — if you want to say anything about this — how does your society/politicians/police and people’s families deal with or take action about people whose mental illness is 100% out of control? Such as severe mania or severe schizophrenia?
Just resubscribing to this thread…I accidentally unsubscribed from it.
Natasha, I’ve gotten behind on my favorite blogs but finally caught up today. Thank you so much for this.
For me, there is not much that makes me feel worse about myself than this. It’s soul crushing when someone important in your life refuses to validate your bipolar disorder (or any other mental illness). We already feel about as low as we can for the things we can’t do or things we do that aren’t right. We don’t need any help on this.
My husband, for example, “forgets” sometimes and blows up at me. I’ve been dealing with this for six years, been with him for fifteen. I am EXTREMELY forgetful. Lately he has been berating me for that in front of my son. I’m so humiliated and my son, in turn, loses all respect for me. He doesn’t even understand the repercussions for what he says/does. It sends me into a tailspin of depression. I feel unloved, unwanted, and well…like a greasy spot on the highway. NOT a good or helpful thing.
Right now, I’m exhausted. I had two kind of good days and I packed too many things to them. So hubby is back to wondering why I can’t do things. {sigh}.
Anyway, great article!
MM You wrote “My husband, for example, “forgets” sometimes and blows up at me. I’ve been dealing with this for six years, been with him for fifteen. I am EXTREMELY forgetful. Lately he has been berating me for that in front of my son. I’m so humiliated and my son, in turn, loses all respect for me. He doesn’t even understand the repercussions for what he says/does. It sends me into a tailspin of depression. I feel unloved, unwanted, ”
I’m very sorry to hear this story about your husband’s disrespect for you, and, at the same time, instilling disrespect for you in your son’s behavior. I have an example you may not want to hear, but read on if you want to hear a similar story.
A relative of mine stuck with a husband who sounds like yours. She stuck with him for 22 miserable years before divorcing him. There are two sons. The husband doted on the boys and set Zero limits on their behavior. The woman who’s my relative set standards and boundaries for the boys, but that went over like a lead balloon. She was perceived by all three — the boys and the husband — as the Heavy. She was a very good mother except for one thing: she stuck by for 22 years. The teens allowed their huge, basketball playing friends walk in the front door anytime they wanted. I hope your situation hasn’t’ been THAT bad! So the outcome of all this was that the teenage boys, and up to the present time, disrespect her. They treat her “just like her ex” did, she tells me. Abuse rubs off on kids, when they see one parent berated by the other. Plus, the woman in this case became a nag and a shrew. She screamed at the husband, banged around in the kitchen, and even broke the dishwasher somehow — I don’t know if she kicked it or what but she told me she herself broke it.
MM, your situation sounds too much like my relative’s story. I hope you will think this over and take care of yourself — I mean take some strong action in some way — maybe see a counselor if you can afford one, or maybe go to a women’s support group. Find someone/s who understands women’s issues — so that your son’s disrespect will not be a lifelong thing. A caveat — My abusive ex and I went to a minister counselor. Turned out he was of the “old school” where the wive must succumb to anything the husband wants or does. In fact, in another marriage, a doctor blamed me. I’ve had several professionals who refused to look at the behavior/attitudes of us both I was the one who got blamed 100%, so choose a counselor with great care. There are ways to find a counselor if you don’t have personal income. Such as, grad schools of counseling at a university. Don’t give up, if you do decide on counseling. If one does not work out, look for another one till you find a good one. I think for a mother to endure this stuff from her very own sons must be one of the most heartbreaking things she could ever have.
Thank you, synergy, for your reply. I appreciate your wise words. It’s funny, because when I have a *well* day, he treats me differently, like I don’t have these issues. He’s good to me and kind. When I feel sick, he turns into a monster. Yesterday is quickly forgotten. He has stood with me through all of my crap. So sometimes I think I deserve it. I don’t know. I keep telling him to go get himself counseling for his emotions of being a caregiver. He went once and said he was good. {sigh}
When he talks about the separation/divorce thing, he just keeps saying, we’ll see after Mayo. I have an appt in MN for next Tues. They have a mood disorders clinic there and I’m hoping to get some relief. They said count on 3-5 days but they could keep me longer. I’m so exhausted. I need some relief from my own mood shifts, and all of the guilt and shame. I can’t do that by myself anymore. I need help.
But I’m also worried that he has it in his head that Mayo can cure me overnight. I don’t think he has a full grasp of how this disorder works. I can hopefully get better than I am, but I’ll have this disorder for life. Shit changes especially with an “unquiet mind” like mine. He misses the old me, successful career that I loved, very social and bubbly always, and especially my confidence. I have no self esteem left, just tattered pieces.
I’m just hoping that the doctors there have some new ideas because heaven knows, I’ve tried it all. I will update you all when I can. Thank you again for your kindness.
Dear MM&M, :) I had bad self esteem when I was in a verbally abusive relationship. Sounds like that is what you have. You might get a book I’m going to recommend — but under no circumstances let him see it. Perhaps you could just read it while sitting in the library. It’s called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. One time I was telling a precious friend I met in Al Anon about my things my then-husband was saying to me. She said, “That’s verbal abuse.” I said, “What? I don’t know what that means.” She recommended , “Read [the Patricia Evans book] and if you still don’t know, call me.” On another note, my parents fought all the time…verbal abuse from my dad. So the whole family did verbal abuse to each other. Except my mother was fairly passive and didn’t engage. So my sister, who was in two marriages and several fairy long term relationships after that, told me, “ALL couples fight.” I found this hard to believe. I am now seeing more and more couples that say they never fight. Not ever. My relationship now, is like that…we never fight, never yell at each other. When we disagree, we get uptight, then work it out, sometimes a couple of days later, but we don’t stew or go silent on each other. My sister, always one to reject and put down anything she does not believe, says, “That’s because you don’t live together.” So, fine. Maybe that’s the only way I can have a relationship. I remember my first husband and I used to be real uptight together. We met a retired couple who each had a house, next door. We thought how great it would be to live like that. Me, well, I have never been able to live in harmony with anyone, except two different roommates in the dorm at college. We got along okay. One better than the other. But I mostly was fortunate to get a single room in college.
Hi Synergy,
My husband is usually understanding most of the time. But when I have an episode, he goes back to that I’m just lazy. Having the episode is far worse than he knows. (Oh, and I love it when he says I just want attention. Really? Believe me, I wouldn’t wish this “attention” on my worst enemies. He wants ‘me” back like I used to be. I’ve told him, I might improve but I’ll still have this for the rest of my life. ugh- this sucks.
MM I forgot one detail – I wrote “the outcome of all this was that the teenage boys, and up to the present time, disrespect her” – hey, they are in their mid-40s now. Things never get better for her with them.
That is right. I have felt such non validatid from my psych doc, she was also a very good friend of mine. But something got wrong. She began to blame me for my depression and that the drugs AD didn’t help me. I was explaining to her my disability to do my rutin and she didn’t believe me. There was an awful time. Now I believe only to myself for depression experience.
Hello, Natasha, Lisa, EDDE and Leapfroggie, and anyone else on this thread. Natasha, this is a very important concept for us. I feel very fortunate, because I have a very good friend who is , like me, bipolar. Our lives over all have been very, very different from each other. In lots of ways. But we are very supportive of each other. If one calls the other saying “I need support,” we’ll drop everything to discuss on the phone what’s going on and give each other perhaps helpful advice or hints, particularly from our own experience of what works for one who’s being called upon to be supportive. I used to pine away in my desire to know someone local who had the disorder. Now I know one — only one. I used to know other women with bipolar — 2-3-4 of them, I don’t remember exactly how many, over time. But I dropped all of them, one by one. One was a chronic complainer, always seeing herself as a victim of other people she knew. We were never close anyway, so I just let her fade from my life. She never took any steps toward self advocacy, or any other positive steps regarding her mental health. The other two have serious paranoia. Both of them did a sudden verbal, paranoid attack on me. So with them, it was a “quick an dirty” end of what I’d considered a nice friendship — 3 years with each of them. My bipolar friend is my best woman friend. I have a close man who is my other best friend. I guess I am fortunate to have two, even if it’s only two. My concern is, we are all old people. One of us will die before the others. I hope to find more of the reasonably balanced xpeople with bipolar.
Hear, hear, Natasha Tracy. Wise and intelligent words again from one so young. More power to you, and thanks.
I have an attitude of gratitude that this blog has been so helpful to me personally. You validate me Natasha.
Thank you, Natasha. I don’t always agree with your opinions and my experiences can be quite different from yours, but I truly appreciate how often it feels like you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth. I frequently direct people to various posts on this site because it so clearly shows that my behaviours/thought processes/inabilities/physical problems are not isolated to me alone — in fact, they are common to many people with this disorder. So, again, I thank you. Please keep up the awesome posts!