Bipolar Rule: Stop insulting yourself. ‘Bipolar Rules!’ Sneak Peek

Please note: This is a sneak peek of Bipolar Rules! This rule is part of the emotion rules section. It is a draft. This is not the final version.

One of the things you might do when depressed (or even not depressed) is insult yourself. The insults I’ve said to myself have been unbelievably harsh and things I would never say to anyone else. Even though you might know it’s the depression talking, and even though you might know it’s negative and harmful, sometimes, people just can’t stop insulting themselves. Even worse, insulting yourself might lead to more insults, as in, “I’m such an idiot for insulting myself. I know I shouldn’t do that.” It’s a vicious cycle.

While people often don’t realize it, insulting yourself is pretty normal. It happens more frequently for people with certain characteristics, such as low self-esteem; however, everyone does it from time to time. 

For example, have you ever made a mistake, maybe in front of someone you really respect, and said to yourself, “I can’t believe I said that. I’m so stupid.”?

Or have you maybe gotten turned down for two dates in one week and thought to yourself, “I’m so ugly. No one will ever want me.“?

You could have been in either situation and not insulted yourself, but if you were having a down day or maybe you were feeling a bit sensitive, insulting yourself might be how you reacted.

This type of thought process may be happening for many reasons. You might be depressed and feeling very negative. You might have low self-esteem and actually believe the insults you’re slinging. You might be around people who insult you, so insults feel normal. Or you could have a series of other reasons; many things lead to insulting oneself.

I have insulted myself as part of beating myself up due to the depression in my brain – a very bad habit, to be sure. Beating yourself up usually consists of a larger cycle of many insults, some for no reason and some for a perceived reason. To beat yourself up is to insult yourself over and over.

And perhaps what’s worse, insulting yourself often leads to negative judgments of yourself and your life.

For example, 

• “You are such a dumb bitch; no wonder no one likes you.”
• “That mistake proves you’re a fuck-up. You don’t deserve to live.”
• “You’re so ugly. Just go die, you stupid, fat, unlovable sloth.”

Does that sound harsh? Well, that’s kind of the point. The voice of depression – the voice that continually insults you – is a very harsh mistress, indeed. And because depression lives in your brain, it knows what will hurt you the most. It uses that information to form the worst insults. That’s why insulting yourself feels so painful – it is both personal and effective.

If you’re going through this type of self-insult spiral, you’re likely very unhappy, having a hard time engaging with others, and being quiet and unsure of yourself. The kind of serious, devastating insults that depression throws affect a person on every level.

Fighting the Insults

Fighting the insults that your brain is throwing at you comes down to two things: the first of which is self-talk.

Try to do these things when you’re insulting yourself:

• Challenge the insults and negative judgments. Do it out loud. Write them down and look at them. Take a step back and logically assess how realistic they are. Chances are very good you are blowing things out of proportion and jumping to conclusions that aren’t warranted. Seeing them written down and using logic can show you that.
• Remind yourself it’s depression talking. Depression hates you. The depression probably wants you to die. That voice is not your friend, and it is not telling you the truth.
• Reframe the insults. Insults are usually unrealistic views of what is happening. For example, if you make a mistake at work, you may insult yourself for that, but you never think of the 99% of the time when you’re not making mistakes. Instead of insulting yourself over the way you misspoke in front of a superior, you might say to yourself, “I made a mistake today. I won’t make that mistake tomorrow.” That allows you to recognize what really happened, but not use it as an insult.
• Act like your own friend. Remind yourself that you would never speak to another person the way you are speaking to yourself. It’s not reasonable to apply a double standard to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to another person you care about, you shouldn’t be saying it to yourself.
• Don’t accept verbal abuse. Insults like the kind I mentioned above are a form of verbal abuse. Certainly, if you hurled them at someone else, that would become clear. Even if you feel like you can’t be your own friend, you can still remind yourself that as a human being, you deserve to be treated with respect and not verbal abuse.
• Give yourself compliments. Rather than focusing on your perceived faults, or even in addition to focusing on your perceived faults if you can’t stop, also force yourself to recognize all the things you do right and all the things that are good about yourself. For example, maybe you did say something awkward on a date, but maybe you then shrugged it off with humor. That’s lovely, and it’s okay to focus on the good part rather than the bad. It’s okay to say, “I have a good sense of humor.”

The second part of fighting the insults in your brain is getting professional help. Part of that help may be psychotherapy. Sometimes, our inner insults are so ingrained that we need a professional to help us weed them from our psyche. Some of us have insulted ourselves about certain things since childhood. It’s unreasonable to think you can just cope with those insults yourself. You need a professional to teach you new techniques and help you practice them over and over until they become habits. They can also help you deal with the underlying issues powering those insults. Don’t be ashamed to reach out to these professionals whose job it is to help you with just such difficulties.

Professional help may also include medical help. New medication or medication changes may be warranted to tackle the issues underlying all those insults. As I said, those insults may be driven by depression (or another mental illness), and it may not be until you get that depression (or other illness) under control that they are quelled. That’s why it’s important to be upfront with all medical professionals about what is causing your distress – even if you think it isn’t specifically in their domain. You would be amazed at what professionals of all stripes hear and what treatment can address.

And, of course, many people need both medical help and psychotherapy to quiet their insulting internal monologue. If this is you, it’s okay. I have been there, and so have many others. It used to be that a day, or even an hour, wouldn’t go by without me insulting how I look, and while I still have issues in this area, it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I can now look in the mirror and see something other than total ugliness staring back at me.

I know how exhausting it is trying to fight a barrage of insults, particularly when they are almost constant. That said, it’s also exhausting being the constant victim of abuse. If you can quell the diatribe of insults, even a little, you can get a bit of brain space back with which to do other things. It’s worth putting in the effort not to let the insults be the loudest noise in your head.