I have explained to many people, many times, that bipolar is existence at the ends of a spectrum. It’s not that your average person doesn’t get sad, or happy, or devastated, or related, it’s simply that they do not experience these emotions so fully, so much of the time. My bipolar problem isn’t the existence of these emotions, simply their intensity, their duration and their frequency.
All this bipolar emotion makes people look at me strangely. I know. But oddly, someone it seems not only loves me in spite of bipolar but even finds reasons to love me in the bipolar, because of the bipolar. Love.
Music and Bipolar
Music can fillet me. Songs that mean nothing to me can draw tears because I find the melody tragic. I really feel, from the bottom of my soul, saddened, depressed by the order of random tones or impassioned lyrics. The song itself could actually be expressing something happy, but something in me perceives it as heartbreaking anyway. I have to be very careful about the sounds I expose myself to.
You’re Too Sensitive. (Yes, I’m Bipolar.)
I am. I know. I’m a sensor that needs recalibration. I pick up on stimuli so tiny and expound them so fully that it is unreasonable, unreal, incomprehensible. I know. It’s a problem.
When my heart breaks it shatters into a million pieces each aching and bleeding through my body. And to some extent it is always broken from the pain of my everyday life.
Drowning in Emotion
The thoughts and the descriptions and the ferocity of emotion makes it impossible to take a deep breath. I gulp tears instead of air. Brackish water enters my lungs and I feel myself drowning. I feel myself drowning in tears and blood and sobs and screams; each one daring me to let go and stop thrashing against them.
My Bipolar Life Lives In This Anguish
And it is no surprise at all that others can’t stand next to that. Couldn’t if they wanted to. It will drown them too. Or they will stop seeing the water and the pain and pretend I’m bobbing along like everyone else.
These emotions, these extremes, these jagged edges, these razor shards are not one of the best aspects of my personality. They are roadblocks to fitting in with the others. The people around me. Joining the world. Being human. I know I live in another place, in another time where people can’t go. I know. I try to hide it. I try to build a human shell around me for all those I pass by, and then I crumble when I walk through my door and sob and spin until the next time I have to interact, tiringly, gluing back the pieces of my outer shell. So tired. So exhausted from pretending to be some part of me that other people can understand.
I Love You, In Spite Of, Because Of
Oddly in a tiny world in the dark with bleeding tears, broken shields and vulnerability I am loved, I am honored and I am cherished anyway. Cherished and bipolar. In this place I understand that it isn’t actually in spite of all unresonablness and extremeness but actually because of it. Because it is part of me. Because in amplification and anguish and terror and blades there is a messy, complicated, folded, person worth loving. Somehow these parts of me that bring endless pain and steal life are somehow beautiful. They glisten in their purity. There is nothing more human than pain. There is nothing more human that suffering. There is nothing more human than love.
Thank you for expressing how I feel in words that I could never hope to write. It made me cry and when I sent it to my wife, it made her cry too.
I put the link on my Facebook page as well. Thanks again for all that you do increasingly awareness of Bipolar
It has been said that all of those with bipolar speak the same language. Reading this blog at my wifes request…..i could have sworn my wife was the author! You expressed, so perfectly, what my wife and countless others live with daily. It is a brave soul who can honestly express such a difficult life challenge. Nice work Miss Natasha.
Honestly, all I can say is WOW. Period.
Hi all,
Thanks to everyone for all the kind words on this one. Sometimes opening up can help many.
– Natasha Tracy
Your best blog so far, Natasha. You have described the oversensitivity and the “face” we have to wear to the world perfectly. Well done!
Hi Natasha,
This was a beautiful description. I am so happy that I am currently (today) in a good place and can appreciate how well you described things.
“I pick up on stimuli so tiny and expound them so fully that it is unreasonable, unreal, incomprehensible. I know. It’s a problem.” – I have attempted to describe this so many times without success to people that are (were) close to me.
Thank you!
Natasha, Thank you for opening up in such a vulnerable way. I feel you pain and your passion. So eloquently put, so honest, and so comforting. You truly are a marvelous writer, you capture the essence of emotion and express it in such a authentic way.
Sincerely
Patricia
So beautifully written and felt. !
Reading this filled my lungs with the brackish water.. and I sobbed huge sobs of pain.. and love. Thanks, .. again. :) <3
Wow… thanks for linking to this on Facebook. I’ve started to realize myself that being bipolar gives me access to feelings and emotions that other people only gloss over. Even when I wasn’t aware of it, it filled me with a passion for photography and other creative arts.
Sometimes I feel so caught up in photography and capturing moments that I think it’s my only way of connecting with the rest of the world.
Hard to explain… but it is.
thanks.
Natasha…
you really are a beatiful writer…. im on the down again… I can feel it seeping in…. but your blog keeps me going.. makes me feel I am not alone xxx thank you xx
Hi Pollee,
Thank-you. I’m honoured if I can help in any way. You are definitely not alone, that I know for sure.
– Natasha Tracy
WOW. All I can say is wow. That was one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever written. Thank you for sharing that.
Hi Diane
I actually had the exact same reaction as you, first envy then hope.
I still see myself as damaged goods. It’s kind of like I wouldn’t want to be with me, so why would someone else want to be with me. I know that needs to change before others can start to see me for who I really am. I don’t really allow others to see who I really am because I still don’t really like who I really am. I just haven’t figured out how to get there yet.
Anyway, after I took a moment to think about this post I did find it quite beautiful knowing that someone, someday will love me not only in spite of my bipolar but because of it.
So beautiful…
Hi Jessica,
It is beautiful. And it can happen.
– Natasha
hi natasha,
i’ve been enjoying your writing,
my first reactiion to this post was jealousy. that someone loves you as you are and because of who you are,and i don’t feel like anyone loves me for who i am,including myself. but then i thought about it a little more,and this post gives me hope…that even if it is not existing for me now,it CAN happen. thank you.
diane
Hi Diane,
I can understand jealousy. I’m jealous of people all the time with their normal with their love with their others with their lives.
But I like that you took a moment and saw hope. I like that a lot. There is hope somewhere in there. If someone can love me for one moment, then maybe someone can love me for two moments. It’s possible.
And someone can love you for moments too. Maybe forever moments.
You’re welcome.
– Natasha
Wow am I glad to have come across you. First I gotta say–the music thing, I’m totally there with you. NEVER play Rachmaninoff’s version of Chopin’s Nocturne #9. EVER. Yes I have to be careful too. But I was really into what you were saying about how others love us. I’m blown away by the (few) people I have that believe I’m beautiful. What gets me though is the stigma, it’s an ugly bitch. And some have ended up loving me “differently” because of the stigma–specialized or shot down a level from humanity, watched. Do you get that?
Hi Amy,
Well, I’m glad you came across me too.
Yup, I’ve seen people change when they find out about my mental illness, and I’ve seen it happen to others too. It’s particularly nasty professionally; it can really destroy a career, no matter how unfair that might be.
It’s rare that people can truly look past a mental illness, but those who do are amazing people that are well worth knowing.
– Natasha
Hi Linea,
Thanks. :)
Sometimes it’s really tough to explain to people who bipolar is different from a bad mood, but yes, from this side of the brain, it’s pretty darn clear.
Thank-you for your lovely words.
– Natasha
Hi Natasha, Really enjoy your blog! This post was so fitting for today because I feel like I keep hearing people say, “well we all have those feelings… Maybe you are just having the same feelings of stress/sadness/etc. that we all have.” Its so true that it’s the intensity that people don’t get. I have been struggling and diagnosed with this for long enough that I know that the frequency and intensity of my emotions and moods are very different than most other people.
And in the end though, like you said, there is beauty and love. Those are the things that keep me going, even when some think I am too sensitive or overreact, there are so many others that love that about me. That think I am beautiful and “normal” in spite of it all. You are beauty and thank you for being so honest all the time. I appreciate it so much!
Linea
I feel ya.
How do you describe the colour red to someone without eyes?(rhetorical question no need to enlighten me.)
I fight a not so subtle self-loathing that prevents me from taking any real joy from anything I accomplish.
I am getting that vibe from you these most recent posts.
Hopefully it will pass.
Jake
Yes, I’ve often used that metaphor, a colour to a blind person. It just fits so well. And it feels like what I devote my life to these days.
Yes, I’m depressed. I have been for a long time but since the chronotherapy it’s been worse. I don’t feel a self-hatred that disallows pride from accomplishments, I just feel a complete lack of feeling. I won this amazing award at Breaking Bipolar and I really tried to be happy about it, as I should be, as others were, but the emotion just wouldn’t come. It’s like someone took an eraser to that emotion. I know where it should be, but it’s just gone.
I do have self-loathing issues too. But that’s depression for you.
– Natasha
Hi Mike,
I’m not quite sure what to say about that. Hm.
– Natasha
~N
To paraphrase some of my favorite lyrics;
“Sometimes I wish I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say
I think somebody better put out the big light
‘Cause I can’t stand to see you this way,
Natasha, I know this world is killing you.
Oh Natasha, My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true…”
Hi Natasha,
How are you? This is difficult for me to explain, but will give it a go. First of all finding your blog, facebook and twitter has meant so much to me.There are websites here in Australia that have helped me come to terms with being diagnosed with bipolar 1.But it has been just in the last few weeks that I have a better understanding of myself, that is thru your blogs about bipolar. This latest one that I just read you describe how I’ve felt all my life, reading your blogs I finally feel that I have a conection with people who actually understand me, I understand me.Thankyou Natasha I finallly feel accepted.
Davida Bache
Hi Davida,
There are many things I do not know, but I know this – you are not alone. I’m honored that you have found my writings helpful in understanding and acceptance. Thank-you so much for telling me about it. Drop by any time.
– Natasha