I can’t control my brain. I can’t control my emotions. I can’t control my tears. I can’t control my irritation. I can’t control my need for excess sleep. I feel like I can’t control anything. And not being able to control my brain or my emotions makes me feel entirely inadequate as a human being.
Controlling One’s Brain and Emotions
Humans are under the misguided impression that they can control their own brains. Well, they can control their brains about as much as they control their livers. Brains work on their own. If they didn’t, we’d all be dead.
Humans are also under the impression that they can control their emotions. Now, there is more truth to this idea than there is to the idea that they can control their brains. Emotions are psychological and thus more within our control. Therapy proves this. But emotions are not entirely within our control. Death will still probably make you sad. Getting a present will still probably make you happy. Being cut off in traffic will still probably make you annoyed. Certainly, all of us can choose how to react to these emotions but the existence of the emotions themselves, on some basic level, exist without our input.
Inadequacy over the Lack of Control over My Brain and Emotions
I know the above. I know it as clear as day. I know it enough to scream it. And I know that people with a mental illness have a way bigger hill to climb than any person with a normal brain experiences or understands. And yet I feel inadequate because I can’t control my own brain or emotions.
I admit, I’m prone to feeling inadequate. It’s a depression thing. I’m likely to feel less than others on any given topic simply because I feel like I’m less than others in general. I also think it’s easy to feel inadequate just because of the presence of any mental illness. Being sick with anything can do this to you. I grant these things entirely.
But I find myself apologizing again and again for the lack of control. I’m so sorry I’m crying. I’m so sorry I can’t stop talking. I’m so sorry I can’t see things in a positive light.
It’s okay to feel sorry for things, I suppose, but feeling sorry over the way your brain works sucks. Big times.
Intellectually Understanding the Lack of Brain and Emotion Control
I know, intellectually, that I don’t have to feel sorry for these things and people don’t expect me to apologize and I am not inadequate because I am forced into these experiences thanks to a broken brain. I totally, totally get this. And I would never suggest to anyone else in my position that one is inadequate. One is not. And I would vehemently tell the person so.
And yet I feel inadequate anyway.
It comes down to believing something – internalizing it. Believing in it with your heart, I suppose, rather than your head. Believing in it for yourself rather than believing in it for everyone else. I have the greatest trouble with this.
Because while I’m a writer and an expert and an advocate I’m a human with a mental illness, too; and my human, mentally ill frailty causes the same problems for me as it does for everyone else.
So I guess today I will try not to beat myself up because I can’t control my brain or my emotions. I guess today I’ll try to believe it with my heart and not my head. It seems like such a short trip from your head to your heart but it my experience there is a chasm there. But I guess I’ll try to cross it.
Image by By Allan Ajifo [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.
You were wrong about only one thing: We CANNOT ALL control how we react to these emotions. Some people are cognitively imparied, so they cannot control their (re)actions and cannot even reason with themselves. Then of course there are basic reactions we can’t always control, like crying or laughing. Most of us can generally control our reactions, but there are proven exceptions.
I struggle with this too… and because I tend to be an all or nothing thinker, I sometimes think because I am inadequate I should quit, give up or run away with shame. Then I remember I am doing so much better than I once was… in general…. and I know with adequate sleep and self awareness I am better at managing my emotions. And I AM having a positive impact on a lot of people with my efforts. That is something to hold onto. I know you Know this about yourself as well. Thank you again and again for your insight, guidance and support for all of us in our community. Your wisdom and transparency are a beautiful gift to us all.
I wonder if you could be low in serotonin. If so, have you tried taking 5-HTP? It’s an amino acid you buy at most any health food store. The body turns tryptophan into 5-HTP which is then turned into serotonin. As your “reservoir” of serotonin fills up, the depression begins to lift (if you were deficient in serotonin to begin with). Once your reservoir is full, you either stop the 5-HTP, or just reduce it, because you don’t want your reservoir to overflow because that would cause your original symptoms to return. In my family we’ve used an approach called Orthomolecular Medicine” (using nutritional supplements) to rebalance our biochemistries naturally. It’s a wonderful approach to finding sound mental health.
I couldn’t see my psychiatrist recently due to my exam being changed to my appointment day. The GP I saw for a new script told my that depression comes from the stomach and because my tongue is white I have candida which is probably covering the lining of my stomach preventing the release of serotonin. My drugs are just a crutch to cover my problem and to pay the salaries of psychiatrists. In addition he said that my wife only feels anger because her liver is clogged up and if she takes milk thistle she will stop needing her drugs. Comments please. I am so confused
It seems like your primary physician is overlooking your Candida and your wifes’ clogged up liver, no? Try to find a homeopathic doctor and keep trying! Learn as much as you can about your problems. I have tried milk thistle and had no luck with it.
If we could offer each other different ideas that work for whatever type of bipolar we have, I think it would greatly improve the benefits of this blog. We can all tell an outrageous story of a.day in our lives. We can all whine, cry and complain,but if we pooled our thoughts together and offer ideas of what helps us,individually, then others can share what works for them.
1. When I awake, IMMEDIATELY a song begins to play in my head. I may like the song,or detest the song but it plays on & on & on.
If I like the song I let it play a few times, if I HATE it It and it drives me crazy, I’ll you-tube a song I love and the rumination of the previous song stops.
2. When I awake, whether I’m going out or not, I Force myself to get dressed, eat something, take my meds, brush my teeth, and fix my hair. If I can’t make it through the day,at least I can answer my door.
All of this makes me feel better at the end of the day.
3. Some how shopping calms me. I feel manic and the mania is growing, I get online and go shopping. I’ll put as many items in my cart as I want, and at the end, (of my fantasy spree) I’ll cancel them all! By then my brain has gotten some much needed Endorphin juice or maybe just some diversion from my negative thinking.
It works for me
4. I hate talking on the the phone and still have my land line. When people call on it, I rarely EVER answer, but if I must, I have to have an escape route b/c I cannot STAND talking on the phone for more than 5 minutes. After the allotted 5 minutes is up– I say that I have to go to the washroom or to a doctor/dental apt. Or some one is ringing my doorbell. Have your excuse ready. Again, works for me.
5. If I’m feeling extra jumpy, instead of always reaching for the pill bottle I take a hot shower or bath.
Works for me, 75% of the time.
6. If I have the urge to hit the candy or cookies, I will, –but b/4 I do, I will eat one or even 2 apples first.
If I have room after that, I’ll have my cookies, only instead of 150 cookies — much less of them. :)
I wish you’d make some notes of what helps YOU through the day with YOUR moods or bipolar issues and share them here. This should be a blog not only of venting, and story telling; but of ideas to thwart off or cope with the misery’s of every day living,and bearing this wretched illness.
I will return. xxxx
Oh, and Happy new Years Miss Natasha T !!
Thank you for each drop of sweat you’ve borne for us all here, in your endless quest to help others suffering with bipolar disorder. You are an angel! God bless you with a new year FULL of peace and better health. xxxx
Hi
Ok I am new to this blog, but I have been with my partner for nearly 3yrs and he is bipolar 1, and I am looking for some clarity, recently he has been doing through the anxiety stage, being stressed and not sleeping due to visa issues in the country we live in (also due to this country we can’t live together as we arent married) and he’s cut all contact with me as of Christmas Eve (not the first time he’s ever done this before) but what makes this odd is he’s also taken leave from work and not told me.
What I need to know for my own sanity is this an extreme reaction for someone is his condition or is he just being an a#@e, after reading the blogs on here I gather it could have something to with the holiday season but I am not sure?
Have any of you ever reacted so badly to a cycle? I know he struggles at time with his head space and from reading things on here I also gather that is common and the need to be alone at times (we’ve had instances where he just couldn’t get out of bed).
Im just looking for some advise please, so I would be grateful if anyone could shed some light on this for me.
Just taking a brief moment to remember Carrie Fisher. All of her struggles, her talent, her triumphs, were not in vain.
I will remember her valiant efforts to inform others of her fight with the relentless illness, -bipolar.
I will remember her wit, and determination to carry on. No matter what her end was–she won out and became a true hero.
She was a real survivor and left a beautiful mark on this world.
God bless you Carrie Fisher. You walked through hell ….and came out smiling.
You will be missed. xxxx
Bipolar disorder is a label that merely describes the symptoms. Conventional psychiatrists are taught to cover up those symptoms with patented, synthetic drugs that bring in billions of dollars to Big Pharma but cure no one. Mental illnesses have been curable for decades, just not with synthetic drugs. We humans are BIOchemical beings, who need biochemicals to be normal not “chemical” beings who need psych drugs to be normal. When my relative was diagnosed as “incurably” mentally with “bipolar with psychosis,” I learned how to use the orthomolecular approach which restores one’s mental health rather than just suppressing symptoms for life with chemical straightjackets. MY relative is 100% free of psych drugs and leads a good life. You can Google “Orthomolecular” treatment or read my book, The Secrets to Real Mental Health to learn how to use it. Those at the helm of America’s mental health care system have been fighting the orthomolecular approach for well over 60 years because no one makes any money when a patient no longer needs the miserable psych drugs or endless talk therapy.
Hi Natasha.
Thanks for yet another well written post, and for all the posts you’ve ever written. You are the voice of reason when it comes to bipolar disorder, and today you proved you’re the voice of the heart, too.
You’re so much more than ‘adequate’. Your writing is clear, precise, thought-provoking, important. Your efforts towards mental health education are praise-worthy.
Keep it up, and I hope to be reading you in 2017; and seeing myself as more than adequate too.
I have to say that I generally have not felt inadequate about not being able to control my brain or emotions at times (I say, at times). I usually just feel more frustrated, unless what is going on is intoxicating to the degree that I want what is happening. But when I’m depressed, I get frustrated that I feel so tired, that I’m suffering, that I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’ve dealt with a lot of frustration throughout my illness.
As you and another mentioned, the brain and emotions can be controlled to some degree using effective coping tools and medication. The coping tools took me a long time to master. I’m not always a master of them, but I can master them more than I used to. And I do see results when I do. And as for medication, I happen to have psychiatrist prescribed “prn” medications I can take when I need them. Sometimes I realize I need them and take them, or my husband tells me to take them. They seem to often be effective, and I see that as having some control over my brain. This control that I do often have does give me confidence. I have learned to feel like bipolar symptoms aren’t going to hopelessly dominate my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with bipolar symptoms. It still requires effort and I still get frustrated that sometimes my efforts don’t work perfectly. I do sometimes need my pdoc to make bigger changes, and I often have to be patient for some changes to happen.
You are having a bad day. I can feel that. You have more emotions than you think. You relayed that today in your message. I believe that you show all those emotions you describe. What jerk in your inner circle made you feel this way today? You are awesome. I agree with you that the brain shuts this out for you, but you do feel it, and you show it in many ways. I suspect someone around you made you feel this way today. Don’t let it give you agony. You are a rock star!
Merry Christmas,
Cookie
I have a similar bipolar brain. I have finally accepted the fact that I cannot control my brain or my emotions. However, I can do a lot to have a positive influence over my brain and emotions. First, I take Lamictal. That is the best medication I have found for my bipolar disorder and it is all that I take. I also take a high quality multivitamin and fish oil. I eat as healthily as I can afford. I eat a lot of protein (eggs, fish, poultry, beef, nuts, beans, tofu, and a little cheese) and lots of fruits and vegetables. I avoid flour and sugar but I do eat them sometimes. I drink a lot of water. I also make sure to get enough sleep and rest. I also exercise every day – at least a 20 minute walk, but I shoot for an hour mix of cardio and strength training. On bad days, I just do the 20 minute walk. I have also been through a lot of therapy: CBT, DBT, and Internal Family Systems. I have also written a Wellness Recovery Action Plan that I live by. By doing all of this, I feel much better and I have been able to reduce my medications a great deal. I used to also take lithium and Seroquel and I have taken many other different medications in the past. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 19 and now I’m 46. I have a job I like and I am working full time. I am happy with my social life. Life is good. It took a long time to feel better, but it finally happened. When I was diagnosed, I wasn’t educated in mental health recovery, but I have learned about it myself over the years and it has helped me immensely. It has given me hope and concrete things I can do to feel better and they work. I am so glad that mental health services are much more recovery-oriented than they used to be.
Hi – something I found tremendously useful was reading up on Buddhism, and the ideas that everyone has thoughts and emotions they can’t control- the thing that you have in your power is not controlling thoughts and emotions from ever happening, but in how you react to those thoughts and emotions. There are techniques to use to prevent them from causing so much pain.
david, your experience reminds me of my consulting days. unstructured info-tech projects turned out tb the worst possible way for me to make a living, since employers often are unwittingly looking for a manic wizard, someone who can make all their dreams come true. there’s a kind of contagion that happens, everyone catches the magical thinking bug; otherwise sober business people end up betting the company on something that had started out as a simple database application. i am so much happier to have left all that behind.
As a creative professional myself (I’m a freelance webmaster/seo), I can totally relate. There are days when my brain seems to be working really well, when I am on my so-called “high” or “in the zone” and feeling confident, sharp, creative, productive and really on top of things ( a really awesome feeling). Unfortunately for me, this high usually lasts only for about 2 weeks, despite my every effort to stay in the zone. I’ve tried to understand what exactly triggers these too infrequent highs but it is usually nothing within my control. Or is it? I’m not really sure. Still, I find that it is much easier to identify what triggers the high but much harder to identify what takes it away.The last time I had one of these episodes (about 4 weeks ago) it was triggered by a series of events that began with an unexpected phone call from an unexpected person who was calling to see if I would be willing to accept a referral for a job that could turn into a really great opportunity for me to put my business back on track.
At the time of the phone call I was not doing well. In fact I was feeling very inadequate, partly because I had not finished the last big projects I started working on (some I had pretty much abandoned, having not heard back from the clients and assuming they had also lost confidence in me). So the last thing I needed was more people to disappoint but this could be a new opportunity, a big one and a chance for me to finally get it right and get it done. To accept would be taking a big chance but also one that could have very positive consequences if I can maintain good communications with the client and deliver the results they are seeking. So I accepted the referral, and got the job. Within the first week of meeting with the client and starting the project I was having positive feelings about the project, about myself and about my future. I guess you can say I was feeling extremely confident. I was also extremely motivated. I started off really well and by the beginning of the second week I was flying high. I knew from past experiences not to get too carried away, not to get too high as sometimes I can get some really good (or crazy) ideas that can easily lead me off track and which can cause me to waste time doing things that were not part of the original plan. I don’t use medication but because I believe I had learned from past mistakes I really believed success was lurking around the corner and I was fully committed to see it through this time. The first month would be critical in gaining the client’s confidence. I was in control and I did everything I could to stay in control and in the zone. Sad to say, it didn’t last and for the last week I have been working from the ground, somewhat out of gas. I’m more sober than depressed but still not as confident or as motivated as I was a couple weeks ago. Still all is not lost and I really believe in my heart like you said that I can do this, that this is what I was born to do. Even if I don’t believe it in my head, something in my heart tells me that it is true.