I know what it feels like when your doctor says they can’t help you. I’ve had this happen many times. I’ve experienced everything from being fired by a doctor to having a doctor deny me care altogether. These are rough things. Any time your doctor says they can’t help you, it’s tough to take. But there are things you can do, even at that point. Here’s what to do when your doctor says they can’t help you.
Why Would a Doctor Not Be Able to Help You?
In my case, I’m talking about psychiatrists, but all doctors are basically the same. A doctor might be unable to help you for a few reasons, but the primary one is that they think they have run out of viable treatment options. But please note this part: they think they have run out of treatment options. That does not mean that you have run out of treatment options. Your doctor is one person. They don’t know everything. Their ideas are not the only ideas. When a doctor says they can’t help you, there is more you can do.
When a Doctor Can’t Help You — Step One
If you’re in a doctor’s office and they say they can’t help you, the critical thing for you to do at that point is to ask why. You need to understand why a doctor feels they can’t help you. Have they exhausted their knowledge? Do you not have access to the treatment you need? Are they retiring? You need to know what is going on. Understanding the doctor’s perspective can take some of the fear out of a doctor saying they can’t help you.
For more on how it feels when a doctor says they can’t help you, watch this:
When a Doctor Can’t Help You — Step Two
No matter why a doctor says they can’t help you, the next step is to work around the problem. Primarily, this means getting a second opinion. This is because no matter what the doctor tells you, there are more specialists with different views and different arrows in their quivers. Doctors are not gods. They do not know all and see all. They are simply a specialist with an opinion. There are many others out there.
So, ask your doctor for a referral to someone new, or even better, a new specialist clinic (there are mood/affective disorder clinics). Get a consultation from a significant player in a hospital. (You can also go to your GP and request a referral from them instead.)
(I realize that some of those options are not available to people. I’m sorry about that. The healthcare system in the US sucks. That said, do your best to make one of them work.)
If your doctor refuses to give you a referral, use this trick. Make them write in your medical records that they are refusing you a referral. They usually don’t want that in the written record and will acquiesce.
If you absolutely can’t see anyone else, then do your own research. Research new and cutting-edge treatments, old and forgotten treatments, and bring them to your doctor. Force them to tell you why they can’t be tried. Again, make them write down that they are denying you a specific treatment if that’s what happens.
Finally, if the doctor says they can’t help you because you can’t access a specific treatment, find a way around the problem. Find a program that will allow access. Or find something or someone new. It’s horrible when your doctor thinks you need a specific treatment and you can’t access it, no doubt about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road.
When Doctor Can’t Help You, Don’t Give Up
Remember, a doctor not being able to help you is a problem, not the end; it’s a roadblock, not a cul-de-sac. So, work the problem. Don’t give up. Bring in reinforcements if you can. Include any loved one who can lend a hand. They can not only help with getting you new options, but they can help keep you hopeful as well. Having a backstop is always welcome.
I know it’s wholly unfair to ask a person who is so sick that a doctor says they can’t help them to do the work. I know people in this situation don’t have the spoons to deal with this problem. But you have to. You have to fight back. You can’t let one limited human make the final determination about your wellbeing. You are better than that. You are more important than that. Your life and happiness are more important than that. While it’s hard, giving up on yourself and your health is worse.
I ran out of treatment options many years ago. I gave up on the meds that never worked for me (lithium did for the mania, but it did nothing for depression and I couldn’t tolerate lithium long term). This was 15 years ago.
I gradually got better and it turned out my agitation was caused by the meds.
I take care of my sleep religiously and I cycle with the seasons. I learned to tolerate the depression and just don’t kill myself. I know the depression will stop in May. I won’t let myself sleep more than 8 hours when depressed and sleep as much as I can when manic or hypomanic.
I’m content with my life. In the 5 months I’m not depressed, I do my happy things and catch up on house repairs etc. My relationships are good.
I’m an older person now, very intelligent and conscientious by nature. I see a therapist for support with stressful situations. I don’t use drugs and rarely have alcohol. I may be a unicorn with all that. I had to do something given I had no more treatment options. So I accepted that this was my fate and learned to live with bipolar 1. My relationships are good and I keep a stable lifestyle despite the devastating depression and occasional mania.
Just an anecdote, I know.
Doctors can’t necessarily help if you’ve already tried a million things for years and years. Often there will simply be no more reasonable things to try, or new approaches are just repeats of the old approaches. This is medicine, not magic. There isn’t always a perfect solution, though sometimes there is a good enough one. I think that’s just a reality, and sometimes we have to accept that, instead of assuming there will always be someone who can help.
At a certain point it is the end of the line, and that’s that. Giving up is sometimes the only option. That’s a reality with all kinds of illnesses, not just mental illness. I had a friend with advanced cancer. He wasn’t bringing in his loved ones to push to get more doctors to see him, he got MAiD and that was it.
Why do we assume there is always a good answer for mental illness, just waiting until we push hard enough? I’ve been on meds for 17 years and honestly my current meds are tolerable and that’s the best I can expect. Yet there’s this level of almost toxic positivity about the supposed huge range of options out there. Frankly I think it denies the reality of how unsatisfactory most of the meds really are. It’s like a cult of optimism. Which is ironic, since we can feel so negative otherwise.
Of course not all options are necessarily exhausted, and there may be doctors who just have a limited range of medications/treatments they are familiar with. And sometimes it doesn’t take a treatment to get better, it takes some other kind of work beyond that, something no system can package or offer. But sometimes there really is nothing more that can be done. Sometimes you have to settle for something less than ideal but survivable. Or you just don’t want to survive at all, and you know what, that’s okay too.
Unfortunately I’ve had a dr just drop me. He simply sent me a letter stating he thought he was unable to provide adequate care. Luckily I had 3 months of meds to cover me until I found somewhere else . I didn’t have a regular dr during that time period to temporarily cover me. It was scary to say the least.