Bipolar disorder is an inescapable mistress. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, no matter how many medications you take, she is always there, ready to hit you over the head with a 2 X 4. True, some people are lucky enough be experiencing remission. In that case, the mistress is forced to take a few steps back. But for people not in remission, people in full-blown bipolar disorder, that mistress is relentless. Every minute of every day she steals your brain and makes life unbearably painful.
And I have found that if you also happen to be bipolar and anhedonic, almost nothing allows you escape from that reality. Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure and when truly anhedonic, no matter what you do, no matter how theoretically pleasurable that activity is, you will not feel that pleasure – no matter what. This is a concept that most people cannot fathom but believe me, an inability to feel pleasure is real.
I have, however, found one tiny escape. It’s something I do all the time. It’s a little embarrassing, actually. I manipulate physical sensations and responses. Yes, I have orgasms.
Bipolar and Fantasizing
I have a very active imagination. When I close my eyes, whole worlds exist in great detail. And my favorite worlds exist in fantasy.
I once talked about thought-boxing, which is the idea that your brain and its thoughts can exist in a sandbox where they are tightly contained and nothing exists outside the acceptable limits of the sandbox. In other words, only some thoughts are permissible and everything else (like depressive thoughts) exist outside the sandbox.
Well for me, fantasizing is like that. When I fantasize I know exactly what will happen. I know the storylines, I know the people, I know the actions and I know it’s very, very safe. And when the thoughts are of vinyl and leather and short, plaid skirts, they arouse me. They arouse me in spite of myself. I don’t necessarily feel sexual but thinking sexually, playing sexually, will arouse me anyway. I suppose fantasies involve manipulation of the mind which overrides some of the signals of the brain.
And I can exist in that world for one hour, two hours, three hours. And in those hours all the horrible thoughts coming from my brain put there by the bipolar quiet for a little while. A fully-featured fantasy can push out thoughts that seem to be so strong that they can’t be pushed out in any other way.
Bipolar and Orgasms
And then, yes, fantasies lead to the inevitable. And what I can say about that, is that even when I feel very sick, even when I feel very suicidal, even when all I want is to stop breathing, that climax makes me forget about that for a few seconds. For a few seconds I’m actually not some crazy, sad, depressed, crying, bipolar chick. For a few seconds I’m a raw nerve of unadulterated energy. It’s beyond relief. It’s a miracle.
Practicing Fantasizing
Now, I can’t promise that everyone can have an orgasm as, unfortunately, that is one of the things that medication can steal from us, but we all can fantasize. We all can live outside ourselves for a few minutes. If it seems impossible, I understand, but it does work – really. Practice for a bit. That skill is there. It’s like breathing safe air for a short time. And sometimes all there is to look forward to is a minute of something other than pain.
I’m so glad to know that so many others know about fantasies. I call them mini-vacations, sometimes, because they don’t always involve sexual activities. As a matter of fact, I was taking mini vacations long before I was finally diagnosed with bipolar. It was a coping mechanism for when I needed something (somewhere) to escape to. Something to quiet my brain down so that ultimately I would be able to focus in the real world, when I am ready to return.
However, when I sink into a deeply depressed mood (cyclical or trigger), my fantasies will take a dark turn. Bad things happen to my otherwise happy places. It’s as if my own brain engages in a mutiny against me. And that truly sucks!
Back to the topic at hand: I can use a sexual fantasy to calm my brain down, so that I can sleep. THAT works for me, most of the time.
I have always written very graphic sexual stories to get “outside my own head” when the bipolar gets too much. Even when I can climax because of the meds, my stories are the one place I can always go to feel but not be overwhelmed by those feelings.
Bipolar depression is when you’re out of alignment with your true sense of self in the present because you’re either ruminating about the past, or worrying about the future which you’re making feel very real in the present. So yes orgasms and fantasizing are going to bring you out of that, and bring you into the present because for that moment you are intensely focused on the present, and coming more in alignment with your true sense of self. Both are replacing the old negative thoughts with new positive thoughts, plus an orgasm releases a lot of feel good chemicals in the body, so it is healthy. The danger is what exactly your are fantasizing about, as long as it’s not something you’re going to feel guilty about afterwards then it’s ok. But I would say both are still a short cut and not really a good solution. Don’t try to escape a mindset, rather dissect and dismantle that negative frame of mind until you are content with the present. An orgasm shouldn’t be an escape from reality or your mind, it should be part of your normal healthy sexual functioning. Fix the cause, not the symptoms! “Bipolar disorder is an inescapable mistress.” – if you believe this, then yes – you won’t escape it. But if you realize you are creating that idea, and then change that idea – then you will be more free it.
Orgasms?? you must be kidding me. Not on my meds. With some of them I have trouble peeing let alone having an orgasm… Never had an inny before… :)
I am also impressed that you wrote about bi-polar and orgasms. Very interesting. I never really thought I was bi-polar but maybe I am. I know I have GAD, depression and ADHD….I do exactly what you describe (masturbate and have orgasms) just to function and work….
I ruminate over and over and worry most of the time and it gets so bad that the only thing I can do is masturbate to stop the ruminations/anxiety. I don’t know why I ruminate and have anxious thoughts most of the time. I often pray to god for relief….but it appears that only the orgasm gets me out of the ruminating state and helps me to function….I often hate myself that I feel this way…but I can’t fathom ending my life….I can’t bear the guilt of what it would do to the people I do care about…especially my son…..
Natasha, thank you for sharing your experience….now I don’t feel all alone with that experience and some of the shame I feel about it….but your post does make me surmise that possibly I have bi-polar illness which may be more serious then I thought…..
For the first time in years I’m completely stable. I love it. Life is back:)
But after a few months of stability, my body overtook the meds and I’ve been having the best, longest (I don’t know how other guys are but 30 seconds is really long for me), and most frequent orgasms in my life. Sex while I’m manic is AWESOME, but for some reason this is so much better. I know it doesn’t make any sense and I can’t explain the physiology behind it, but I defiantly am not complaining.
*sent from my phone on my break. Apologies for any typos.
I have found another thing that can give me pleasure in my worst depressions: a professional massage.
Unfortunately, they are expensive. But you just have to lie there- you don’t have to do anything. And for me, that is what I need when I am really depressed.
I wish that I could do that, I find that when I start to get into the down swing of things not only dose my interest in that dry up, but the pleasure turns into a dud. It is a dud to the point that it makes it feel like a disappointment, no matter how much I try. I
I am glad that it works for you. Unfortunately it is a exercise of frustration for me :(
Natasha, I am moved by your very frank candor ! I have been on both sides of the mental health arena, and in all those years I have NEVER came across anyone, male or female, reveal themselves in such a way ! Ever since I discovered your blurbs, I recognized someone who stared our Bipolar enemy right in the face, and spat in it for all of us who read your words ! I use the fantasy theme when I am way overstressed and overwhelmed to the point of coming unglued. As it is supposed to, I am at least physically relaxed ( most of the time ) and thus, find a bit of control in which to get through the rest of the day, or whatever. At least that is what I believed down through the many many decades.
— I did not know my lack of emotional expressions in just about any context had a name. One thing I could always feel however is frustration, because no matter how hard I tried to “feel,” even the most painful of life’s situations – such as the death of a loved one – I could never find any true emotional outlet. I have become quite the actor down through those same many decades, fooling even the most observant of those around me. Although I myself could not laugh, I could make others laugh with a sort of dry wit and quick tongue.
— Natasha, it is getting to the point in which I am learning more about the suffering of being Bipolar from you than any group, psychiatrist, or psychologist I have ever “worked,” with. Thank you for being there for us !!!
You are the third or fourth person who said you lacked emotional expression and spoke negatively about it.
Please don’t believe it. I personally don’t understand why you would. I am very close to a two people who are not emotionally expressive, and would probably be described as you have described yourself, but in a drop of a hat, they will support me when needed. I don’t mean financial support. I mean they are open-minded, really make the effort to truly listen, and if they can’t understand you, they will at least accept you. In the midst of any type of stigma, that is worth it’s weight in gold. If anyone tried to pass them off as a fraud or something negative simply because they don’t gush and cry and wax poetically about their feelings, I would punch them! Mainly because it is SO untrue, but also because it is absurd and only a 10 year old would make such a judgement call while deemed developmentally normal.
Anyway, men are generally raised to not be emotional. In fact, I read an article not long ago that said men present with depression differently from women because of this.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/male-depression/MC00041
I hope this helps.
Anhedonia – a psychological condition characterized by the inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts.
Anhedonia is NOT the inability to feel.
Also, some of the most loving and sensitive people I know are reticent and quiet. Some of the most expressive and emotional people I know are also the most selfish, hurtful, and insensitive.
if one cannot feel pleasure during pleasurable activities… then one feels “nothing” when they ought feel “something”
granted Apathetic is the seemingly complete loss of any emotional feeling… but when something pleasurable is there and you feel “NOTHING” and thus do not enjoy that which would normally be pleasurable… then you are a bit anhedonic
the one then wants to feel something in relation to… desires to feel the pleasure and enjoyment, one ought to feel… so, one does what one does to “feel”
I, myself, find that Apathy and Anhedonia are not that far different from one another.. in that I tend to often have both
Not to harp on what are seemingly mere semantics, but apathy and anhedonia are two VERY different things. Apathy is a state of attitude and mind–a lack of caring, to put it into simple words. Anhedonia, on the other hand, is an INability to feel pleasure in activities that would normally bring pleasure; so it’s not only psychological, but the psychological aspect manifests also in the physical.
Really.. Charles & Judy, we are wanting to argue with Tabby about whether she feels anhedonia and apathy are similar, in her experience? Course, Charles then wants to argue that Apathy is a state of mind, whereas Anhedonia is a psychological aspect that manifests physically.
Natasha’s article was, in my perception, a article of escaping the pain that Bipolar tends to produce by emotionally & mentally robbing many of us from many “feelings” and “states of being” that others would find “normal”. To do so, to escape and “feel” something opposite of what one may be feeling at the moment OR not feeling, one acts by imagining or fantasizing or daydreaming, etc… something – anything.
Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure and joy and to not enjoy… Apathy is the inability to not feel pleasure, joy, sadness, happiness, etc. I’ve had meds that rendered me BOTH anhedonic and apathetic and I’ve had states of being, while in episodes, that render me the same.
TO ME… they are not identical but they are quite similar. They both start, remain, and continue within the mind and brain. They both, in their ways, can manifest physically. They both are “feelings”.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to cause contention. That’s one of the worst problems of printed/typed/written words: it’s difficult to convey tone of voice.
glad to see that, on occasion, the “ole Natasha” comes through… years past, you were often quite descriptive of your “unadulterated energy” expenditure, if I remember correctly :)
Anhedonia… yes… the inability to feel. The absolute “flatness”, the horrendous “deadness”, one *feels*. Strange really.. in order to NOT feel, you MUST feel – not feeling – anything.
I’ve had this, not often but a few times, over the years. It’s typically just before I tend to “detach” myself from myself. I’ve also had this occur due to seizure and psych meds (though most are one and the same).
To be able to feel SOMETHING different than current and yet, to also remind oneself that oneself IS ALIVE.
Some folks self-harm to FEEL something… others do risky dangerous activities, to FEEL something… others fantasize pretty vividly
all in an effort to FEEL something real… to remind oneself that one IS ALIVE… and to escape the eviscerating feeling, they are enduring
At least your female, Natasha, and are capable of multiple orgasms! I, too, have found orgasms are like WAYYYY better than any prescription meds I’ve ever taken! And they’re FREE! I also write [describe] my feelings/experiences/moments of “bipolar-ed-ness” to [try to] clarify those feelings, etc. This helps me quite a bit at times. I can even go back and re-read them and say, “Yeah. That’s still true.” But it’s almost like someone else has said it to me. Here’s one: My life feels like a neuron misfiring to a phantom limb that’s never been there …where success, can never be reached, just like that limb that can be felt and yet doesn’t exist.
Last one:
“A Thousand Loose Threads”
I have this very real fear I will always (subconsciously?) be unable to carry out any admirable pursuit in life, because I have somehow been deeply conditioned to make a detour somewhere along the way; a detour that never leads back to the path from whence I departed. A thousand loose threads; none of which are connected… except to me.
@Phil. SUBstitute not the other _stitute – Very funny! Safety first!
I’ve heard men refer to “self-stimulation” in the same breath as brushing their teeth and taking a dump like it was nothing. Women are often too ashamed of their bodies and sexuality.
But I have to ask, could it be an impending hypo episode? Can’t quite wrap my head around anhedonia happening at the same time. Just saying…
This is refreshing nonetheless.
I figured out that fantasizing about one ex-girlfriend wasn’t enough. I brought in three others. Placing everyone was like a game of Chess. I’ve always been single so…
So now, if things aren’t working I bring in substitutes. SUBstitutes not the other ___stitutes.
It’s a great way for a guy to have 5 minutes of bliss.
Thanks Natasha
Natasha, I am very impressed at your courage in posting such a personal experience in your blog. I think we could all learn the skill of fantasizing better. Perhaps you could open a Fantasy School! lol
Anyway, thank you for this. Very good posting.