I am not a parent, let alone a parent of someone with mental illness, nevertheless, but it is still clear to me that parents of the mentally ill get blamed for their child’s mental illness. I honestly don’t know if my mother has ever experienced this, but I know of other parents who have. One woman I know comes to mind. Her daughter has schizophrenia and requires a lot of help to successfully maintain her wellness and live on her own. Her mother provides everything she can to make this happen – and it’s a lot. And yet, this mother has been blamed for her daughter’s schizophrenia. But parents aren’t to blame for their child’s mental illness.
[Note that I’m not saying here that serious traumas can’t add to the likelihood of mental illness – they can, particularly in the case of dissociative disorders and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I’m just saying that people do not have to have experienced this type of trauma to have a serious mental illness and parents (non-abusive ones) are not to blame for the appearance of a mental illness.]
Why Do People Blame Parents for a Child’s Mental Illness?
I think there are two main reasons people blame parents for a child’s mental illness:
- It is a lingering false notion from the times when people believed that mental illnesses were due to character flaws or a lack of morality. It is assumed these types of flaws have been passed down by the parents.
- People are always looking for something to blame for a serious illness (any serious illness). There are various reasons for this but it often comes down this: if we can blame “bad parenting” (or something else controllable) then that means we can prevent mental illness by simply not being a “bad parent.” And therefore, one’s child would never be subject to such a serious illness because he or she was protected by his or her “good parents.” (Because no one wants to believe that serious mental illness could happen to his or her child.)
Both of these notions are wrong and illogical but they represent something still present in society’s psyche today.
My Parents Being Blamed for My Bipolar Disorder
Look, I’ll level with you, I’ve had issues with my mother – oodles of them. At one point in my life, I wish she would have disappeared altogether. (Things have drastically changed now.) And my father was an alcoholic with bipolar as well so things weren’t exactly smooth sailing there either. But did either of them cause my bipolar disorder? Not a chance.
I will admit that having gone through certain traumatic events in my earlier life likely both increased my chances of mental illness and likely brought it on sooner. But, I also know that I exhibited signs of bipolar disorder long before those traumas occurred. Even when I was a small child I remember moods indicative of bipolar disorder. My mother remembers them as well.
So while my upbringing wasn’t perfect (no one’s is), I would never blame it for my bipolar disorder. Not ever.
Parents Blame Themselves for a Child’s Mental Illness
And the kicker is, even though it is a myth that bad parenting causes mental illness, parents still often blame themselves for a child’s mental illness. Parents internalize the appearance of mental illness in their child and think they did something wrong. They think that such a serious disorder being present (especially if it’s in a young child) must be their fault. So not only is the rest of the world judging the parent as “bad” because his or her child has a mental illness, the parent is actually blaming his or herself as well.
Really, it’s quite the unfortunate situation and quite the pickle.
Do Not Blame Parents for Their Child’s Mental Illness
We, as people with severe mental illness, need to not blame our parents for our mental illness – and we need to tell them this is so. We need to relieve the burden on our parents as much as possible so that they can stop blaming themselves unnecessarily.
But more than that, we need to tell others that it wasn’t our parent’s fault. Because while there is no doubt that there is discrimination and prejudice against those with serious mental illness, there is also discrimination and prejudice against the parents, too. And these people are often the unsung heroes in the lives of people with serious mental illness. They are so often the ones standing by their sick child when no one else does. And this is a very, very hard job.
So society needs to stop blaming parents for a child’s mental illness. Parents of those with mental illness have a hard enough job already without dealing with this unfair blame.
I understand the point you are trying to make but perhaps a better way to say it would be that people shouldn’t shame parents for their children’s mental health issues. It’s a slight bit important difference. There has been tons of research on the origins of mental illness and it continues to be studied as we learn more and more about mental health. Not all mental illnesses come from the same place; however, there are many that have strong genetic links to begin with. Obviously you get your genes from your parents so while it wasn’t a conscious decision, if your parent has bipolar it’s a good possibility you could develop it as well. Sometimes one might be genetically predisposed to develop a mental illness and then environmental factors trigger the onset. Assuming you were living with your parents and didn’t experience outside trauma of some kind then they again played a part in your illness because they were responsible for the environment around you. And of course there are cases where an outside trauma or even a personal choice like using hard drugs might trigger an illness but I would argue that parents do have some responsibility for their children’s mental illness. That said, parents can be accountable but don’t need to bring shame into the equation. Something else to consider. When we deny the role a parents genetics or parenting choices play in mental illness, we inadvertently leave the door open to blame the child or to label them as a bad seed. Perhaps if we combine honesty, accountability, scientific evidence with complete non-judgement we can begin to reduce the stigma for both parents and children dealing with mental health issues and reducing the barriers to accessing help.
Parents are NOT to be blamed for their offspring’s mental disorder. I’m responding to Rebecca. This is an illness that has its roots in genetics. Any stressful environment can trigger it, including school stress, work stress, etc. To blame parents for the onset of a disorder is to not understand the nature of these disorders. People with these illnesses have biological changes in their brain that render them less able to deal with the normal stressors of life. It’s not their fault, and it’s certainly not their parent’s fault. There is so much misinformation being spread about Bipolar, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses. Affected families need understanding and sympathy, not pointed fingers. I am the mother of 3 adult daughters. One has bipolar disorder, one was fortunate to not inherit any of these, and one has autism. I love them very much and I know I haven’t done anything to cause my daughter’s illness. It unfortunately runs in the family on my biological father’s side. But when my daughter stops managing her illness ( stops her medicine and begins using marijuana), her symptoms reappear. I get blamed, told I’m toxic, etc. When she is managing this illness, I am told I am a great mom, I didn’t deserve her mean comments, etc. Mental illness is a devastating thing to happen in a family. I don’t wish this illness on anyone.
Nothing genetic about mental illness. Check out the Human Genome Project. It is the parents fault, and now what are you going to fix it with your kids? Take accountability and get therapy.
I completely agree. Mental health professionals have blamed me for my daughter’s mental illness, though I know I was a good parent. This blame creates division in the family, making it hard to be nurturing and supportive. When my adult child is raging at me in my face, how do I share my love and support? Counselors need to consider the impact of blaming parents!
I so agree with that. My adult daughter lives overseas and did online counseling(zoom style) with her two sisters. After these so called sessions online it is very evident to me that the counselor blamed me for their mental problems. Just two have mental problems but that is still rough. They put up slander on social media that is very damaging and so untrue. I have been verbally abused by both but they say they were the ones that were. Their father was bipolar and an alcoholic but they do not remember much about him because he was made to leave. He was becoming dangerous insisting that they get in the car with him in an inebriated state etc. Yelling , chaotic dysfunctional and inappropriate behavior.
My maternal grandmother had recurring Major Depression
My mother had either recurring Major Depression or Bipolar. Older sis has said Mom had Bipolar diagnosed when we were young but refused to believe it and refused all medication for it (which would only have been Lithium).
I also have several, predominately female, members on my mother’s side who have and been diagnosed with Bipolar.. including myself… along with a whole host of other mental illnesses and/or disorders
My father’s side? have never really known cause we had such rare experience with any of them
my father… now deceased… had a really nasty personality disorder, must have, would explain so utter much
So… was I BORN Bipolar? no.
Did I and do I have the capacity to become Bipolar? Yes, with the right mix of scenarios and triggers and I had them and I do.
… there is no medically diagnostic form/tool to diagnose mental illness still. No urine, drug, radio-logical test known to specifically diagnose mental illness… still.
Yes, the meds help… they don’t alleviate, cure or eradicate… but they help. They are chemicals and they are to do something within the bio-chemical body.. it’s what they are created, chemically, to do (even Lithium, though a natural salt compound, is chemically modified).
Agree or disagree…
I’ve been “mentally ill” for nearly 40 years now.
I do solemnly believe mine was triggered by trauma when I was very young. Being a susceptible sensitive child to start; then going through 2 major life traumas before the age of 6….
Now… I am one of 3 children born to the same momma and same daddy.
My 2 sisters do not have “mental illness”.
One has a nasty personality disorder…. must have, it would explain so much….
The other is a highly strung anxiety disordered individual that must have everything thought out, planned and agendized….
Me? I am the actual certified mentally ill one… all the psych hospitalizations, med trials and stuff galore…
Do I blame my mother and my grandmother? Absolutely not.
Do I feel they passed down a susceptibility to develop it? Yes.
But do I hold them completely responsible for it? Absolutely not.
I did not develop my mental illness… life, and living it and living through some stuff, did
I am responsible for how I handle it
I am responsible for the results and consequences of my handling of it
but am I responsible for the development of it? No
are my maternal parental figures responsible? No
By the way: I am a single mother of a single female child in her early 20’s
do I fear that I’ve passed on to her? sometimes
does she have a diagnosed certified mental illness? no… and I’ve had her evaluated by psychiatric diagnosticians over the years due to teenage issues
does this mean that she won’t develop it later? No
and she knows of my Bipolar… she has been the unfortunate witness to it
I had the opportunity to not have her… when I found out I was with her
she was not a planned pregnancy – of my own or my now ex husband’s
I cried, for several months, thinking she may end up like me
but I had her anyway…
cause odds are, she may not
and I’ll take those odds any day… than not to have her, at all
I blame my grandparents. All four of them were bipolar, and clearly it was their lousy DNA that landed me in this mess.
Well, I certainly blame my retarded parents. My mother has basically “got it all”; first and foremost she is a combo of malignant NPD and BPD, but she is also extremely dependent, anxious, avoidant, schizoid and paranoid. She is also very probably on the autism spectrum. My father is also on the autism spectrum with comorbid ADHD and an IQ of 60-70. Emotionally they are like toddlers with an explosive and totally unpredictable temper.
I have basically inherited the worst from both, and in addition had to suffer from their totally unpredictable physical and emotional abuse. I was scared of them throughout my childhood and was only looking forward to the day I could physically fight back. I have Asperger’s with comorbid ADHD, OCD and Tourette’s, AND in addition an extremely toxic mix of personality disorders, first and foremost malignant NPD (which includes full-blown NPD, ASPD, paranoia, agression and sadism(!)), BPD, HPD, schizoid, avoidant etc. If my mother and father was truly unpleasant individuals, I’m twice that.
And of course, I have children, too. My long suffering wife was not mentally ill, so my children is much better off than me. Still, my son has Asperger’s and my daughter is bipolar.
Carrie Fisher was diagnosed at age 29 with bipolar disorder, an illness characterized by episodes of depression and mania. Throughout her life, she used her trademark humor and candor to shed light on the condition, and convey the powerful, life-changing message that there is no shame in a mental health diagnosis.
In honor of Fisher’s legacy,
On owning your diagnosis:
“I am mentally ill. I can say that. I am not ashamed of that. I survived that, I’m still surviving it, but bring it on. Better me than you.” —December 2000, in an interview Diane Sawyer on ABC PrimeTime
Natasha, thank you so much for this. I have stated my family’s issues with mental illness many times in these comments sessions. I don’t think people understand how we parents beat ourselves up. I thought I could keep my children from having mental illness…they both have them, and I felt like a failure for a long time. I sometimes still do. It’s a lonely road if a person does not seek out other parents with similar issues.
Thank you, Natasha, for addressing this issue in such a forthright way.
The blaming of parents for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder has many negative impacts on people living with the most severe forms of these disorders:
> Inadequately educated clinicians can harm their clients’ relationships with their families. Families are often the people who are most interested in the long term well-being of someone with a severe mental illness and provide crucial support. Ongoing family involvement has been shown to lead to the best outcomes for people with sz.
> When clinicians lack appropriate training about these disorders, they have a harder time helping their clients to understand and manage their illnesses. Many clinicians have never received any science-based curriculum about psychotic disorders.
> Because too many of families’ interactions with the mental health system become adversarial, families aren’t in a good position to advocate for the best services. Family caregivers for people with other disorders (e.g., Alzheimers) are cordially invited to collaborate with the healthcare system, but family caregivers for people with schizophrenia, while often providing the majority of the care, frequently encounter clinicians who treat them badly.
> While continuing to recycle old, discredited theories about the causes of schizophrenia, the mental health system has failed to provide clients, families, clinicians and educators with essential information. The NIMH states that the biggest factor in the ongoing disability of people with sz (whose psychotic symptoms are under control) are common cognitive losses. In Canada, people don’t learn about these common losses (with short term and working memory, concentration, reasoning, judgement, and social skills) and about the evidence based cognitive remediation programs that exist elsewhere.
As the mother of a daughter living with schizophrenia, I see the impact of inadequate services for people living with the most severe disorders.
sandracobban thank you so much for your comments. I am sure that Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds appreciate every word as much as I do. I always have had a kindred spirit with Carrie Fisher. She always took responsibility for her mental illness and dealt with it and all her demons intelligently.
Why would anyone ‘take responsibility’ for having a health problem? I did nothing to cause my mental illness, therefore why should I ‘take responsibility’ for it? If I have a cold or an ingrown toenail or curvature of the spine or ebola, do i have to ‘take responsibility’ for having it?
ps. all the credible research shows that it is family dysfunction and/or family trauma of some type that causes nearly all mental illnesses, however, very few, if any, parents (and families) intend to give their child mental illness. Obviously, not all family trauma can be avoided and dysfunctional parenting patterns tend to be generational, too.
Lisa, site your sources for “credible research”. You are seriously ignorant about the cause of mental illness. Your incomplete understanding of mental illness is precisely why so much stigma continues to surround and create barriers to effective mental health treatment.
EDDE
Wow!
You said it all,& very well
To take responsibility ( or in my eyes adulting) for my actions was a HUGE OBSTACLE
I’m still trying my best
In the end,as my dad would have said,
That’s all we can do
( of course,never say oh I get a free pass b/c I’m MI no you don’t.
That’s manipulation, & not okay…..
I’ve watched many youtubers you can pretty much tell they are acting MI for subs = views = ?
Simply if watch their shit long enough,they act a certain way…that way is not NOPE truly MI.
It’s called greedy for money ? this one woman in particular ? is simply intolerable.
Anyway,back on track,great post!
Peace Out….✌?️ Sandra in BIPOLAR land.
Hi there Natasha,hope your holidays went as well as possible
Interestingly,mine seemed better except for after long chatting with my younger brother living 3 h away
After hanging up….burst into tears…however….
I measure my BP on a scale: much less tears than last years,
My sister goes to her husbands fam.
But,I’m not upset,as we exchanged gifts & had a long visit Xmas Eve afternoon.
I got a wee bit sad,but not much as I’m not doing anyone a favour if I have a episode + there’s kids
In my eyes,that’s what Christmas is for.
Not how much materialistic goop one can receive,but love.
As far as bipolar in ppl fam,mum nor Dad had direct signs.
Though there were no direct diagnosises but certainly sounds as if my cousin @ 18 though I hardly saw her seemed depressed died of an OD @ 18 ( UK anscestory were PRIVATE so many many things were SECRETIVE TO
Me OR SIMPLY PRIVATE)
My Dads dad suicide young (? age) found this out only recently)
As for yours truly,
I knew I wasn’t the same as other kids
God didn’t fit in with my fam
All the Brit etiquette at the dinner table…..ewww
Cringe…
My moods would cycle daily up & down
No way did my parents get this stufff
Except,one day when mum decided the fact my back my back is so messed up ( birth defect)
All in MRI)
Was her FAULT then decides my MI ( then that time diagnosed schizophrenic/bipolar mix sorry word for the combo WASNT!! I’m trying to comfort her while I’m crying now….
I never blamed even those who I’m not even certain ( due to all our secretive ways)
For my illness
Would you blame a diabetic or a cancer pt?
No.
There were things I did things in the past that likely never helped.,…..but caused it?
No
This is all I’ve ever known
We should all send whatever form of love/ religion to funny lady & fellow lsufferer CARRIE FISHER
TODAY HER BEAUTIFUL MUM PASSES OF A STROKE & they said OF A BROKEN HEART ? Debbie Reynolds
Peace …….on this earth RIP you 2 kindred spirits???
This is why NAMI was originally formed. Parents that were tired of being blamed erroneously for their childrens’ schizophrenia put an organization together to fight falsehoods and stigma.
Unfortunately and speaking from personal experience with NAMI, they do not recognize Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to be a mental illness.
It falls in that ‘gray’ area for them, as to the cause of BPD..
We took a 12 weeks course through NAMI in order to find support and ways to help our daughter (who we suspect to have BPD). But none of their class reference material mentions BPD as a mental illness.
Disheartening since we had hoped to find some guidance to help our adult daughter to get help, since she has refused to get mental health treatment the moment she turned 18.
Synergy thanks for
A perfectly stated description of my family life. There were five siblings in mine – two oldest daughters, three sons.
I don’t think it’s that simple, to say, “Parents are not to blame.” To an outsider, one never knows what REALLY goes on in a family. A mother who presents herself as the perfect parent may not be that way behind closed doors. Our family seemed to be perfect, to the world at large. At home it was a different story. .We could never have slumber parties at my home because one never knew when my dad — or anybody else in the family — would “go off” and have a rage attack. Considering that “environmental stress” is currently believed to be a big factor in developing bipolar disorder, one’s upbringing can be a huge influence, and that means parents, too. In my own case, my father was emotionally and physically abusive, and my mother was physically abusive, supported my dad’s actions — even collaborated with him, and said, “Just wait till your father gets home!” if we did something she did not approve of. While I do realize there have been much worse home environments than mine was, the upbringing my myself and my siblings was stressful and fearsome in the extreme. My brother has major depression. All three of us siblings suffer our whole lives because of our parents.
I too had a traumatic childhood, and I would of been horrified if any of my friends witnessed my mother’s abuse and dysfunction so I never had the desire to have friends over to our house.
I had a lot of anxiety as a child and panic attacks in my 20s.
BUT… I’m no longer a child. I’m an adult and it is my responsibility to seek mental health care if I need it.
Stop the blame-game. Yes some kids have a sucky childhood but it is highly unlikely that kids will continue on into adulthood mentally ill because of it. Unless it a genetic predisposition…like the way the brain is wired or if there are chemical imbalances.
For me, it wasn’t just emotional abuse from my mother; I was also sexually abused by a neighbor who threatened to kill me if I told anyone and I also experienced two (aggressive) attempts of rape by my oldest brother.
I would say that I quickly became ‘street smart’ early on and now have a very good sense about people’s motives and I can read them (self preservation).
When we become adults, we have the POWER to get help with mental or emotional issues still lingering from childhood.
Parents are not perfect. Crappy things happen in many people’s lives. But I know that kids are very resilient and can recover as adults, if they take the responsibility to get themselves the help they need.
We are all responsible for our own actions. It’s far too easy to lay blame at someone else’s feet.
If we are all responsible for our own actions, are people with, say, influenza, just lazy for lying in bed all day?
l am agree, no one can blame parents for their kids mental condition. i really like your thoughts. Happy Holidays !!
Hello Natasha,
This was a really awesome article post I found on your blog, I want to share it with all my friends and followers.
“There is nothing worse that a thirteen-year-old boy. You’re embarrassed by your parents, and you’re trying to find your independance because, deep inside, you are so dependent on your mom.” » Ben Affleck
~Ray
The fifth law of Karma states that you must take responsibility for what is in your lives . The sixth law is the law of connection: the past present and future are all connected.
Happy holidays, Natasha, ’tis the blaming season. Although the 2016 US election has taken blaming to the heights of a blood sport. Blame is responsibility for a fault or wrong. To blame is to assign responsibility for a fault or wrong. I am not to be blamed for my mental illness, but you have helped me to take responsibility for my mental illness and I am so grateful to you My parents are dead and I chose to have no children because of my mental illness. Nonetheless NAMI and PFLAG need to look at the points you have made, there is no stereotypic parents in their worlds. Society’s psyche today is seriously and chronically mentally ill.