I have attempted suicide. This is not a fact that I wish to wear on my sleeve. This is not a fact a want on my resume. This is a fact that I wish was shoved in a trunk, thrown in a closet and locked away for all eternity.
And I think that most people who have attempted suicide feel the same way. There are many reasons you might want to forget but one of them is the shame associated with a suicide attempt. Many people around you and you, yourself, might consider attempting suicide shameful.
We get the notion of shame from those around us. Imagine looks of scorn if someone happens to belong to a religious community that considers suicide a sin and has no compassion for those who have attempted it. Imagine embarrassed parents forbidding their children to wear short sleeves so that the scars on their wrists are never seen. Imagine the person arriving home from the hospital, after a suicide attempt, not to a welcome home party but to pained silences and looks of pity and contempt. These are the realities that people who have attempted suicide face. And do we feel shame about what we’ve done? Many of us do.
The Shame of a Suicide Attempt
So yes, all those looks of scorn, contempt, pity and embarrassment get internalized as shame over our suicide attempt. We feel like we’ve done something wrong. We feel like we’re bad. We feel humiliated. Believe me; we’re not proud of our actions that day. That is not a day we would like to hold up for the world to see. That is not the day for which we want to be remembered.
Getting Over the Shame of a Suicide Attempt
But look, you don’t have to feel that way.
Shame is defined in the World English Dictionary as, “a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of having done something dishonourable, unworthy, degrading, etc.” And it’s true that it is a painful emotion, no arguing that one, but I would argue that we haven’t done anything dishonourable, unworthy or degrading. A suicide attempt is a coping skill – albeit the worst of the bunch – that attempts to cope with unthinkable amounts of pain. And we should not be ashamed for trying our very best to deal with something the severity of which most people will never feel a tenth.
I’ve said before, people who attempt suicide don’t want to die; they just want to end the pain. And that’s what we wanted when we attempted suicide. We wanted an end to the pain and we attempted to end that pain in the best way we knew how in that moment. Suicide was logical, in that split second. And it doesn’t matter if no one else understands that logic – it was there, in that moment of extreme desperation.
Living with the Shame of a Suicide Attempt
So while we have to live with the aftermath of a suicide attempt and that may include looks of scorn and disdain from others, we do not have to internalize that shame. Others may think we should. Others may feel that we should punish ourselves for our choices. Others may feel we should hide what we’ve done.
I don’t believe this for a moment.
We’ve all done things that we’d rather forget but walking around with shame over them helps no one. And certainly suicide, a symptom of a real, medical, brain illness, isn’t something over which to feel shame. No one feels shame over other illnesses’ symptoms and nor should we. Our job is to do the best we can in every moment and hanging on to the shame of a past suicide attempt will harm our present and our future. It won’t help us heal from it or the illness we suffer.
And even though our suicide attempt may have caused pain to others (undoubtedly) we can’t beat ourselves up for that forever. No, this is the time to stand up, claim the past as our own, and move forward secure in the notion that we will make better choices tomorrow. Because, in the end, a suicide attempt can be an excellent learning opportunity, a reaffirmation of life and something that helps us grow – and there’s nothing to be ashamed of about that.
First off this is a good article and helps peopme undersrand. This is a very good read and I’ll have my husband read for himself to understand this. I attempted suicide 4 years ago when I lost my 5 year old daughter. I have horrible scares I rarely show the public and take caution with the angles I place my arms. We I thought I was ok for the most part about my scares and was only concerned about strangers seeing them. Well just a few days ago I got into an argument with my husband and he made a nasty comment. This was in the middle of eating, so I left the table and went to the room wanting to be left alone. I didn’t even have the thought of harming myself but apparently my husband thought so. See we own guns and he thought I was going to use one apparently. My husband and I met after my suicide and he’d never seen me hurt myself so I don’t know why he’d get that idea. Well he busted in the door since it was locked. I was shocked and didn’t know why at first till he noticed I was only packing a bag. I have been feeling so shameful since then because even now, with my own husband, my scares still say I’m not trustworthy that at any moment I could snap. I have a second child and she’s the world to me. How do I help him understand that I’m not that person he never met? 1 last thing, my husband isn’t a bad guy he’s actually quite loving.
I have never posted a blog before. I was trying to find an answer to my question through Google and found this site. I recently attempted suicide and again was not successful. I have battled debilitating mental illness for over 25 years. Prior to this time I had a good period of time where I actually thought I was healed and beyond this level of despair and the use of suicide as a way out. I actually started having friends who were not labeled as I was. I have never felt as much shame before as I do now. I have hurt people who started having faith in me. The person who put herself out there for me and tried to help me has totally backed away from me. Do you try to hold onto these relationships or just let them go? If I could salvage that friendship, I would like to find out how to do so. Do I let her have as much time as she needs or should I contact her? (This is not a sexual relationship)
deanna, be a fisher of men, some will always get away, even the ones who call you friend. There are plenty more in the sea of life. Hang on and find others who will be there for you when you need them.
This is beautiful. I cried whilst reading this because it touched every ounce of my being. I felt like someone truly understood how I am feeling. It’s basically the anniversary of the day I attempted suicide and sometimes I feel mass amounts of happiness that I am still alive and that I have fought so hard to tackle my mental health illness and become a stronger person. Then there’s another side of me, the same person who took all those pills, who says ‘you’re a coward, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, you were a mess, an embarrassment to everyone and especially yourself’.
But then I think, was I really though? I could have turned that suicide into a massive negative and let it tear me apart yet I let it change me positively, I do have moments of weakness, as stated above, but I like to remind myself of the facts of the truth. That is, this horrible event had wonderful effects; starting therapy, investigating and tackling my issues and becoming a stronger person.
To be quite blunt f**k what society says, tackle your critical voice and understand that you are not alone in this.
As of today, I have three suicide attempts under my belt. I don’t know if you could call this an attempt, actually; whereas before I overdosed or stuck the barrel of a gun in my mouth, this time 9 years after the first I went to some train tracks and laid down with my neck on the rail. I was already losing my nerve by that point after seeing how huge and noisy they are while writing my suicide note, so when none came for a long time I eventually got up and sobbed in my car for a bit before heading home. Pathetic.
I know a lot about shame, being such a spineless coward, and I really upset a good friend by talking about killing myself. I talked it up too much, maybe, like I was any more prepared to die now than I was when I was 14. I think at this point the best option is to cut all contact so I don’t have to face that shame every time I talk to her, and then go back to being a shut-in and posting on depression boards about how much I hate myself.
You are NOT a spineless coward for not taking your life, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Loads and loads of us with various MH disorders have tried or got as close as you have, and something made them stop. It is NOT cowardice. It is something in you that I think one needs to search out and find, something positive, something you have yet to do or to give, or that you are meant to stay in the world of the living. The bad times will pass, the shut-in thing will pass (I’m the same), but needs work. You can still find happiness in the small things that other people totally overlook or take for granted, and build on that. I feel like I’m in a similar boat with you, and the crippling anxiety is turning into anger, no so much more at myself, but the part of my brain that’s doing the crappy stuff to me, robbing me of happiness. I’m working alone on fighting that fucker! I hope you can come out of the darkness very soon, Nick.
Been there Nick. As FLJ says you are not a coward. You are trying to stay alive. Others will say sucide is a cowards way out. The next thing they say is your a coward for not going through with it. You see you can’t win. These people have no concern for you, so don’t have any for them. They just feel good when degrading others. You will find for the most part these people are REAL cowards. They just hide and say nothing in public. WN
STIGMA.
My psychiatrist is connected with a very well known hospital and he told me if I ever felt suicidal not to come to his hospital. They will take me over, treat me like dog poo, wonrt even allow much of his input, have me talk to a social worker just out of school , then send me home after all that abuse with a massive bill. Doctors and hospital personnel also have stigma towards people with our disease. Maybe because they have fallen short in treatment. They can treat anything below the neck but when it comes to above the neck? STIGMA.
Hi Michael,
You won’t get an argument from me. Institutionalized stigma is a problem.
– Natasha Tracy
Have you seen this article?……. http://www.truth-out.org/news/item/22266-psychiatry-now-admits-its-been-wrong-in-big-ways-but-can-it-change
Hi Michael,
I took a look at it. It’s very slanted, as is everything with Whitaker. What’s your point?
– Natasha Tracy
No point other than I thought you would find some interest in it because I recall you saying you have been on so many cocktails that didnt work.. Apparently I was wrong and will not do it ever again. with whitaker being slanted or not the article is well written and makes some very valid points. The DSMV is even being fought by the doctors saying that it is going way too far. Thomas Insel is no lightweight. I find the article fascinating as I just didn’t take a look at it but read every link, etc. I also spoke to a scientist neighbor in big pharma since my whole neighborhood is full of big pharma executives since we live very close to J&J, Bristol Myers ,Merck and many others. He did very few issues as to what was written and I felt that he didnt want to speak about the science. I dont know him that well. As I stated I will not do this again. You made it very clear.
Hi Michael,
You seem to be taking things very personally. I really just wanted to know what your point was? You passed on an article without comment.
As for me, I don’t like Whitaker – never have. Some of what he has to say is interesting but he’s sensationalistic and uses research in slanted ways. I tend to ignore him because he makes me mad and I don’t have time to refute the guy although I have no doubt that I could.
I’m sorry if I’ve offended you; I didn’t mean to. I’m just a very busy person and zillions of people want to talk to me every day. The fact that I even looked at the link is a minor miracle.
– Natasha Tracy
Just trying to learn what your rules are .My point was very simple. There was none. I posted it specifically for you to read because of a past post where you basically said you had it with all the cocktails that didnt work. That is it. I asked if you saw the article. Hard to read comments sometimes and understand the inflections, etc. I took your post “what’s your point” as a sign of being pissed off”. Thats all,. therefore I answered it with that in mind. I have no clue as to the zillions of people that want to talk to you and you said it yourself…The fact that I even looked at the link is a minor miracle. Maybe I felt that with your answer as to what was my point and answered accordingly.
Any reason first hand information is less reliable then then previously printed information. In regard to say legal action. To allow comments on. Not sure if I’m making clear or not. If not please ignore.
Hi Will,
If you quote something and cite a source then it’s okay with me. The issue is making claims against a specific person. I’m not saying they’re not true, I don’t know, I’m just saying that it’s too dangerous to say something like, “Joe Smith is a terrible psychiatrist,” even if it really is true.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m the source. I’ve never understood this. I guess it’s a legal issue in libel law I’m not familiar with. I’m not a lawyer but try to learn somethings. I guess when someone quotes a “legitimate source” such as a newspaper etc. it somehow protect the person passing on the information. I really don’t know. Not sure why a newspaper publishing first hand info. is protected and those who repeat it are yet someone who passes on first hand info. first is responsible. Is this to do with who has the lawyers, money etc. Where the buck stops or something. I don’t even know if you have ant clue on this either but i suspect you know far more then me. This is really something I need to know more about. Why am I less reliable then say the NYT reporting what I said. Why is the primary source less reliable then the secondary and how does the responsibility go? Honestly the whole thing confuses me. I’ll stand by what I say legally or otherwise. I know weather i am a liar or not isn’t the pt. but I really don’t get. I feel like a fool on this I admit. I don’t understand the thinking at all. W.N.
I believe it. My psychiatrist is kind of a well-known guy, VP of psych dept of University, professor, speaker, writer, and he tells me to call him and he will try his best to get me a bed at “his” hospital asap, so he can really keep an eye on me, know who is treating me, because he doesn’t seem to trust others..
Here’s another stigma issue: Potential psych hospitals or wards where you are searching for a bed often assume first that you may very well be violent due to bipolar, or your response to their ungodly treatment in their hospital (clothes cut off, restraints, hood, grabbed, touched, etc – freakout PTSD reaction to fear of being raped), or both, even if you are just a small woman.
Sorry if it’s a bit off topic.
I found this article very informative. I have a permanent scar on parts of my neck caused by a suicide attempt that I barely survived. I normally hide them best as possible or if asked say I was in an accident
Thanks for this post, Natasha. About 3 years ago I tried to kill myself, and when the porter wheeled me into the hospital he shouted ‘OVERDOSE!’ So loud that the heart attack and the broken leg in the next cubicles actually craned their necks to try and get a look at me. I was plonked on a ward and left all weekend with no interaction. Suicide shaming by health professionals. I wasn given any help or referrals. They didn’t even notice when I left and went home.
STIGMA
So sorry that happened to you. That is so awful. They shouldn’t have done that, obviously. I believe they have codes for just about everything so as not to turn the horror into a side show for other nosey patients. I’ve been to too many hospitals/wards too many times, had all kinds of mostly bad treatment or no treatment.
By the way Michael. Do you know a quack Psychiatrist in Philly, SG. I think she is a D.O and not an M.D. At I think Fairmount (or similar) Hospital there. Her and that hospital should be removed from the face of the earth. Plain abuse in there. Could never find if she had a state other then salary in the operation. I’m suspecting she does. She seems to have a person stake in seeing every bed full, inadequate medical care etc. Only Dr. ever saw that without question in my opinion deserves to be in state prison for abuse and other thinks. Contacted ACLU etc. about her and never learned anything. It astonishes me this woman is allowed to have a medical license. I could go on and on about her neglect, abuse, punishment and unproffessionalism(sp.) in regard to her and the dog and pony show she runs there.
Okay, guys, I have no desire to get sued here. Please take your conversation about specific individuals elsewhere.
– Natasha Tracy
Please remove my comment. I answered a question. thats all.
Hi Michael,
I removed it as requested.
I know you just answered a question. Which is totally okay, I just can’t have specific names derogatorily mentioned for legal reasons.
– Natasha Tracy
It wont happen again. I am new to all of this.
It’s okay Michael :) Not to worry.
– Natasha Tracy
Sorry Natasha wasn’t thinking. My minds been racing a bit lately and can’t sleep and Dr. just retired. Do my best to not repeat. Hope I remember. Would appreciate you giving my e-mail to Michael if that’s possible, if for nothing else to warn him personally. Thank you, W.N.
Natasha dear, just want you to know how happy I am you survived. So thankful you are still here. You are a brave woman. Keep hanging on as long as you can. You are wonderful. Forever in my thoughts, V.
I tried to commit suicide twice, but I got over the shame a long time ago. My big sister succeeded, and it’s been 10 years since she took her life. It’s only when I am deeply depressed that I think about suicide. I’m glad I failed, but I think more they are a cry for help. My sister had never tried before, so it was a shock when I got that call. She talked about how strong and proud she was of us, but if we all talked about our pain then maybe things would have turned out different. I know how strong I am, my problem is learning how to be vulnerable, to be truthful when I am not fine. How to let others in, my partner and I have been together almost 17 years and I still have a problem crying in front of her. I tend to let things build up and the steamer blows.
Thank you Kendal…You reminded me why I have never followed up on my suicidal thoughts. My brother, who I adored , used his depressed anger to commit suicide by police in the late 1980s. Although he had had many problems, he seemed to have gotten back on track for many years. It was both a shock and no surprise to me. I also have difficulty crying in front of anyone, but I cried at your post for my brother. It is odd to me because I have no shame for my brother. I am ashamed of myself for being too weak to deal with my illness.
Want to something weird. A guy just a couple weeks ago right near where I lived tried suicide by cop with an unloaded gun on his front porch. This is what the poilce did. They arrested him for attempted murder ( remember a totally unloaded gun and a whole list of crimes too mumerous to count. Gave him bail in the hundreds of thousands of dollar them took him to jail and he’s still in solitary confinement. No hospital no nothing. This is how really REALLY treat the sick in America. Were not to be mad though.
Will,
Don’t you have to try and kill someone before you get charged with attempted murder? I guess it’s easier to lock him up and forget about him.
Think about the stand your ground laws in Florida.
Oh, forgot mention they did shout him first. Think that’s the reason for the Bogus charge. No problem with someone who actually pts. a gun at anyone police or not firing at them, but the ridiculous charge is just that. He in an enlightened country would have been taken to a hospital as a suicidal person and treated. Instead he’s in the county jail, most likely in solitary and most likely being abused. Common procedure in Lackawanna county. Right next store to Luzerne where over four thousand children were locked up for money. New documentary on kids for cash. I’m sure you read it in the Philly newspapers.
Yeah. But from what I have learned about police, especially around here in PA. is common sense and the law are not in the picture. That’s what is so strange. The police themselves said he had an unloaded empty gun yet charge him with attempted murder. How does one kill another with an empty gun. Reason is not important to those who claim other one’s have none. It’s just a reason to hold someone on excessive bail and therefore deny them the ability to defend themselves and force them to plead guilty. This is how are legal system works. prosecutors do this as SOP and are never held accountable.
Edde,
Being a survivor left behind from a loved ones suicide is one of the toughest things to deal with. Filled with “What ifs” and guilt. We had just moved from Eastern wa to Seattle and I had not gotten my sister our new number yet. Apparently she had called all my other siblings, but no one was home or got back to her. Was is just to say goodbye? Did she try one last time to ask for help? I know the pain of those left behind so I don’t ever intend to put my loved ones through that. I’m sorry about your brother. Also don’t be ashamed nor should you feel weak for something that is out of your control. Do you see a psychiatrist for your illness? I started by finding a new Dr and went from there.
I like this topic and can see from so many quick response’s others do as well. I remember thinking about what the difference between shame and guilt were and It there didn’t seem to be any difference to me at the time. As words evolve over time and mean different things to different people in different times, maybe I am a moron. I thought there was just something I was missing by it’s definition here and know so i am so happy you addressed it Natasha. You really are such a bright woman and even though I disagree with you occasionally I think you are great. I mean that so much. Also the ant-award thing wasn’t personal as I hope you understand just that I think awards like money are handed out to the deserving and deserving and not equally in my opinion.
So right that shame is what those around you see you as. More correctly how you think they see you in society’s eyes. Guilt is what you think you have actually done wrong, mostly independent of others. Though more complicated then that.
The weather here in PA. is slowly turning to spring. Was just reminded today what the cut’s on the arm mean to others who notice and who gets the real story. As first day without a coat for months. When I have been in the hospital I felt no shame. On the street I do.
I have two large. Very large cuts from years ago that caused damage to my radial artery and nerve on my left arm. It actually wasn’t a suicide attempt, but something close anyway. I use the excuse that I was In a fight with some other bikers as I am one myself and that usually works. At least on the surface. Many if not most see that as B.S. especially those who know better. Used to wear a weight lifting band on it and say I had a pulled muscle etc. Now I mostly just ignore it but am sometimes aware of it.
I’m thinking this thanks to you. Never thought this before. A religious community wouldn’t bother me as I don’t have much respect for them. Unless they have proven otherwise then I would have no reason for shame. The shame comes from people I have some respect for in some way. Or maybe social responsibility to. You have opened up a very good question for me and for that I greatly thank you. Will be thinking about this for day’s maybe if can concentrate. Great to get out of my own singleton or so. New word for me.
Sorry would like to respond to other pt., but restless now. This weather start’s my mania and restlessness every year and hard to sleep. From passive depression to the agitated. Would love to respond to other pts. sometime.
Thanks for this post Natasha. Dr. just retired and might be on my own and cost the ins. much more. Healthcare in the U.S. He wants $185.00 cash up front. I don’t have it. W.N.
Will Nist…. good to know you are still here.
Was going to say the same to you Michael. Wasn’t sure if it was you. Was wondering if this P.A. Bernard is one of the scam artist’s at True (B.S.) hope. Didn’t want to insult him if just a normal concerned man. Sorry, before hand Paul if you have nothing to do with those people. It’s just the name sounds familiar as they keep hounding sick people here to scam a cheap buck. Sorry again if it’s not you. Guess you survived this brutal winter too Michael. Like the ones here when I was a kid.
I have numerous suicide attempts over my nearly 40 years of mental illness and I am not ashamed of any of them. I have an illness and I cope in the best way I can, just like those with cancer or any other life threatening illness. Those who wish to shame me (including my ex-family) are no longer people I chose to talk to. I have been been made a better person by what I have survived through. I will more than likely one day end by life in an act of voluntary euthanasia and for those who have an issue with that – well that is their issue not mine.
Congratulations on your successes. I think of what you have gained as character, a very valuable commodity… and one that will help guide you. As I recall the song says about suicide, ‘… and you can take or leave it, if you choose.’
Sadly Paul, just like heart disease you can’t just take it or leave it. Sometimes it just takes people who don’t want to do without a choice. So many M.I. and suicidal people in solitary confinement as treatment for M.I. That IS the standard treatment in much of the U.S. No money for Psychiatric care. The M.I. are in MANY, MANY cases taken to jail or prison for lack of money, plain abuse and other reasons. I suicidal person is immediately and without delay usually taken to solitary confinement “for their own protection”. This of course just make the person more suicidal, but the only way to be released is to admit to no suicidal thought ot do actually commit suicide in solitary confinement. When and if released, guess what happens. This is how we treat the sick In the U.S. today. Barbaric and it’s going on right now and virtually no one cares.
In Australia you are carted off by the police and dumped at the nearest hospital that has no mental health facilities. Then you end up being harassed by the police as being a “nut case” We have a reporting system over here where the police must come out and do a welfare check. Yeah sure they are not the slightest bit interested in your welfare. So what you do is you don’t talk to anyone and if it is bad enough you kill yourself.
Sorry to hear that Loise. Thought Australia was more enlightened in that area. W.N. Interesting all around you would think with the high suicide rate of police they would care more. I guess they do when it’s one of their own. SOP for most police around the world though, like a gang but with the power of the state.
I totally agree with you on all of this. Thank you for speaking out.
My son died by suicide nearly 3 years ago. I have have spent that time trying to understand it. During that time I sought out psychiatric help to try to handle what I felt. It’s almost like the “professionals” don’t even want to hear about it. It is almost too painful for them to bear. I have walked away realizing how terrible it is for people who are contemplating taking their lives to get help. First to get the courage to open up, and then have people who are suppose to be helping you be so uncomfortable with the subject. I have found they just want you to look happy, so they can be more at ease.
A lot of people might say “Well, find someone else to talk to!” It’s not that easy with restrictions on insurance and money. My heart goes out to all of you.
Thanks Mary Ann, Sadly it’s the human condition. So many right wing politicians people etc. have no concern for others until it is someone THEY love. Same with Dick Cheney on homosexual etc. Putting down the weak among those with power has always been a sport. I often wonder what I would have become if I or others I cared about weren’t powerless when young. Would I have been one of them? With today’s nuclear families etc. No good help for the poor ill. Most bill for those who can’t pay! Not sure how people without jobs are to pays bills even the employed cant. I just lost my wonderful Dr. due to his illness and old age. Dr. Guido Boriosi. Wonderful man. I think I maybe done due to no cash. W.N.
Sorry, my last post was incomplete and misleading perhaps due to a punctuation mistake. I was simply saying that while I don’t condone suicide/suicide attempts, it is more than easy to understand how a person could find themselves in such a position. There is no shame in it whatsoever. There are many factors affecting such a terrifying choice, and for anyone to shame another person because of it is nothing short of sadistic and in my opinion, possibly rising to criminal as well.
I could say much more but I think I’ve said enough for the moment.
By the very definition of shame, it’s clear that it shouldn’t be applied to human beings who, for what ever reason, have made this extremely difficult decision. It is of our very nature as humans to seek out help of some sort when we find ourselves in a situation of pain (of any kind) that shows no sign of ending. This is especially true when we are unable to find anyone (including medical providers) who are willing to help. Everyone has a different tolerance level with respect to any type of pain. The medical profession does not respect this in any way, and it is an absolute disgrace-in my opinion anyway. Mostly because I know that they are educated with respect to many aspects of our human condition. At the very least, the fact is that for the most part, the medical profession is no longer driven by the concept of helping people, but is driven by greed and fear.
It is my absolute opinion that the first part of the Hippocratic Oath should be removed immediately! ‘First, do no harm’ doesn’t apply to the patient anymore, but to the doctor. No, I’m not blaming the medical profession for suicide attempts or otherwise, but it’s easy to understand to some degree the lack of hope many people face.
I’m not condoning suicide or suicide attempts as an effective coping mechanism?
t
I apologize as I forgot to add… great job on the blog…
Every conversation about suicide helps pry the door of Silence open a touch further. Every thought someone has, someone else has also had and in fact many, many others have had. Someone might have an original idea, but thoughts are shared by all (and yes, there is a difference).
Clinical depression needs further research and the stigma of treatments hurdled. We all get head colds and take meds to feel better, but there is an ora about this other headache, be that any of the root causes. Depression in the general population gets similarly hushed, yet most of us will experience some form or other.
The shame of mental health issues needs to be squashed.
Every individual is unique and will never be duplicated… Our lives are our own.
Thank you for this article. I have had suicidal ideation many times, but have never attempted suicide. I have nonetheless suffered the same shame in silence and loneliness and anger. I am going to try to take on your attitude that all feelings of shame can reaffirm life. I am so grateful for finding this blog and the comments.
How about living with the disappointment and anger of waking up in hospital days after a suicide attempt? Have you had any experiences with that?
Yes, and the mere thought of it helps me to look for alternative ways to avoid it in any way possible. I don’t mean looking for a more efficient way to ensure success. I don’t want to die, and many others who find themselves in that position don’t necessarily want to either. The stigma relating to any mental illness is beyond comprehension. The lack of hope and support may well still be there if a person finds themselves waking up in that situation. I don’t know all the answers, but it’s vital to note that if you woke up-the fact is that you woke up!
It is what it is.
I hear ya, Kitty G. It’s awful, and always awful to have that (suicide) in the files in the back of your brain, popping up way too often, sometimes for no apparent reason. I was so angry after the ICU they ended up putting me in restraints and a hood over my head. I was still tripping on leftover meds in my system and was screaming that people were stealing from me, that the man sitting in my room is a rapist, and to get him out, that I was afraid someone was going to rape me in restraints. PTSD. I will not wake up if there is ever a next time after an experience like that. That is the shame that I live with, being put through trauma, triggering PTSD, all of that.
FLJ, yes, i did over a year ago in Oct. I wa sin ICU for 4 days, when I came too, i was screaming mad but so tired I couldn’t scream. After a few hours trying to find me a hospital to go tom they said there was no room at the inn so they sent me home. Tried to put me on a bus with no money, no shoes, underwear, or a coat! I still struggle wondering why I am still here. I go to therapy once, sometimes twice a week, but still feel as frustrated with trying to live everyday with purpose.
I am still often think of suicide, but the thought of actually trying again is far way. I do wonder how long I can hold out, but to answer your question, yes, I am still very angry at times, but not as often. it comes and goes.
I have been lucky, my in-laws love me so much. My family, not so much. My in-law were horrified and upset that they didn’t see my hurting, now they always want to know. I see the love in their eyes and in the words they say to me. I can’t say I have felt others shame of me although I shame myself. Shame that I put so many people in that place of questioning what they could have done to help me. I feel bad for that and have told them each what it means to be suicidal for me. I have many who love me, but that does not make the depression go away. They all know this now and if I die by suicide, they will also know that they were not the cause. That is what I think people do not understand.
Maybe there are some out there that want to kill themselves because of something someone did to them, but that is not me. I am simply depressed and meds have never worked.
I can’t tell you not to be angry. I think we have a right to be!
Sorry, my head is jumping around with all kinds of thoughts tonight. Be as angry as you want! I do yoga when I am angry! It really helps me.
I’m so sorry you were treated so badly. There is no excuse for that. But it is good to be around people that love you. That, my dear, seems to be a real luxury in life.
great article but in my opinion you have only scratched the surface of such a TERRIBLE word. Yes, we just want the pain to go away but no one except we the sufferers understand it. I am at a loss for words now but I hope you understand my point. Shame and guilt are not so easy to get rid . What I fail to comprehend is the commercials for these new drugs like Latuda that tell you everything that may happen if you take them for Bipolar depression including death. same with many other psychiatric drugs. Why is that not considered suicide if one dies from it, better yet pharmaceutical company murder? But thats ok. Not everyone commits suicide by physical harm but by taking drugs meant to Help us. But I digress. I believe the number 1 profession that commits suicide more than any other are dentists because they have access to the meds and doctors are not far behind. Is the same stigma attached to them? I dont know. But I digress. Your article is very difficult for me to get my hands around because I see other countries helping people with assisted suicide over incurable diseases below the neck and when it comes to above the neck all bets are off. SO many people with brain disease would not resort to this if the psychiatric profession knew more about our brains. No blood tests, no scans worth anything unless there is a physical abnormality., Treatment needs to be tailored to individual brains and not clusters of symptoms. Many of are sick and tired of being lab rats. Hence the pain which for man people can no longer tolerate. Why is suicide in America far more prevalent than gun deaths. I believe 3 times more?