A commenter, Jessica, left a comment yesterday that so succinctly expresses what so many of us feel about depression, bipolar and mental illness, and continue to feel. The following is her comment and my response.
“when I just feel so sick and tired of fighting for what seems like nothing…what seems like a never ending battle…what seems like someone hitting me over the head with a two-by-four every two minutes, telling me it will never stop until the day I die, and then they explaining to me why I should continue to fight to live for another 40 years.”
Yes. I know.
Fighting the Pain of Depression
We fight to the death for millimeters when we really need a mile. I know.
Why should I continue to fight the pain of depression for another 40 years?
I have asked myself this question a thousand times. Why should I continue to fight the pain of depression?
I have pondered it. I have written about it. I have talked about it it. Believe me, I understand this question. Depression, suicide and I go way back.
I have no answer, no answer at all, but I can tell you this:
- If, 12 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have experienced a skydive
- If, 8 years ago I had killed myself, I would have never discovered I could write
- If, 5 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have flown with the eagles in Venezuela
- If, 2 years ago I had killed myself, I would never have helped all the people I have today
While sometimes I refuse to admit it, my work, my words, my effort matters.
Fighting Depression Matters
See, life is funny that way. You eke out a millimeter when you really need a mile, but sometimes that millimeter matters. To you. To others.
I despise being hit over the head with a 2 X 4 while downing pills, sticking to ridiculously strict schedules, seeing doctors and fighting to the death. Oh yes. I hate it.
And don’t get me wrong, I frequently want to give up. I frequently want to surrender to depression. I frequently want to end this fucking fight.
But all I can say is: your fight matters. Your millimeter matters.
Your comment here matters. To me. To others. That millimeter that you fought against depression for, mattered.
I do not know how to win the fight, but I do know that for no reason I understand, the fight matters. It just does.
I don’t get it.the mm fight and suffering is worth for a sky dive in your opinion.I’m not interested in a sky dive or other “I’m getting myself out of the moment for a day to be afterwords back in the hole, because one nice moment doesn’t change my sick depressed nature” activities. We are parasites on this planet – climate change,species extinction and overpopulation. Yes,some other depressed people or happy parasites would be sad if I’ll leave the world, but is that any logical justification for suffering mentally while supporting the exploitation of the planet.for what.how many animals and plants would I help by dying today.that would make some serious difference.how many animals wouldn’t get eaten,how much plastic and wooden product s wouldn’t be consumed by me, how much pollution wouldn’t be created by me.
If I’d had committed suicide x years ago, so many animals wouldn’t have gotten eaten by me,mosquitoes wouldn’t have been squished by me, etc yes,my family would be even sadder and more in self pity as they are after my brother committed suicide last year…but why is the happiness of life of x people being part of destroying the planet more important than life and dead of tons of animals who are part of a natural balance? I absolutely do not get why the human race is considered “superior”, we’re” superior in absolutely messing everything up for the innocent life on the planet earth.
Hi J,
I’m sorry you’re in such pain. I know what that is like. I know how deep and dark it gets. I know how horrific it is to live with.
I’m not sure that humans are superior. In fact, we’re probably not. But that’s not the point. Every life deserves to live — and that includes yours. Each life is unique and important — and that includes yours. If you wish to reduce your impact on others, that’s certainly an option.
What you’re you’re doing is trying to intellectualize a reason to kill yourself. This is a seductive thing, especially for intellectuals. You’re looking for permission. You’re looking for some “acceptable” reason that will make you feel okay about dying. You think that some twisted form of logic will make your death easier.
But here’s the thing, it won’t. It won’t for you and it won’t for others. What your train of thought is indicative of is depression. Depression does exactly what you’re doing. It tries to seduce you into taking your own life. I know how loud and convincing depression can be. But it is wrong. It is lying to you.
It’s not about who will be sad when you’re gone. The entire world could weep and that wouldn’t necessarily save a life. It’s about you. It’s about what you have to offer the world. It’s about the things you have yet to experience. It’s about the sunrises you have yet to see. It’s about the inspirations you have yet to have.
The pain you are experiencing today is real. But it’s not the pain you will experience forever. No matter how dark things get — and they can get unbelievable dark — light still exists.
The one thing I know that is constant about life is change. Circumstances change. Feelings change. Pain changes.
While you may not have found help that works for you so far, it is out there. I know it can feel impossible to believe that. I have been there. I will believe it for you.
Please reach out. Get help. Get new help. Try new things. Life doesn’t have to be so painful.
— Natasha Tracy
Maybe I’m preaching to the choir here, but I’d like to very respectfully say that posts like this might be counterproductive. I just found this page, and all this did was reinforce that there really isn’t a point to continue fighting. How does grinding your soul for one millimeter really matter? It’s a platitude to say that it’s some sort of virtuous endeavor that matters. You’re still stuck with an excruciating existence that you can’t bear. So what’s the worth of that millimeter or that fight? I guess nothing. When therapy, medication, spirituality, etc all fail you, what do you have left.. another nuance is for those of us who are not suicidal, perhaps to spare others or out of religious conviction, etc and thus feel completely trapped with really no way out at all.
That millimeter doesn’t matter. I don’t see how that makes for a life worth fighting for. Would you keep walking on burning charcoal everyday because hey, it’s the fight that counts and maybe someday there is treasure at the end of that burnt path? Of course not. And that’s how it feels as you feel the existential anguish of the best years of your life wasted, the pain of seeing everything in life that you’ve missed out on that others are so richly enjoying, and no hope for the future. I’ve been depressed and anhedonic my entire adult life. There is nothing that brings joy or happiness. There is no point to this life for me except constant pain and being preached to that somehow this is worth it. Can we just accept that some of us are just too damaged, or is it our ego that wants to think that surely no one is that far gone? Clearly with all of these comments, many of us are.
Hi J.S.,
Thank you for your comment.
Not surprisingly, I do disagree. I know that some people are in a very painful space. I am well aware of what it’s like to live there. But I also know that things change. I know that nothing stays the same. You’re asking if you keep walking through coals because of a gift at the end — yes, I think you do. I think many, many people do. I think many people are in chronic pain in many ways and yet, they continue and their place on this planet matters.
I hear what you’re saying. I’m not trying to preach. I’m not trying to tell you what your experience is or should be. But I’m telling you that you matter.
— Natasha Tracy
Thank you so much for your reply and your thoughtfulness, I really do appreciate that.
I suppose we disagree on the assumption that things will change. I don’t see how that’s believable when there’s nothing to back it up, and that feeds into the despair. I don’t see how it’s a life worth living if all you do is endure pain every waking moment until you die. What’s the point of that struggle for the person suffering through it? No amount of mental gymnastics or unfounded assumptions about it all being worth it or mattering can change that. I don’t understand why we (all of us) have such a resistance to the idea that some of us are beyond repair. Everything else in the world can be in that state, why is it so hard to accept that people can too? I appreciate that you’re not preaching, and my comment about that wasn’t directed toward you, and I apologize if it came across that way as it’s not my intention to insult you or your intentions in any way. But at the same time, I have to be honest and say that you’re just repeating the same sort of nice things to say that just can’t be accepted as facts.
Everyday I read news about people doing research on bipolar matters. The amount of produced knowledge by researchers in any field is growing exponentially from year to year (that’s a documented fact). I believe there is serious hope on promising, accessible and innovative new treatments in the near future (2030). In the meanwhile, I find your blog very down to earth on how to cope with the illness. I appreciate the way you write and say things.
Everyday I just want to SCREAM!
I’m turning 63 in two weeks. I have been living with this shit existence since I was a young child. I was never diagnosed until I was almost 50 and have been on SSDI for bipolar disease since 2011. I grew up in a household with 11 people. 9 kids, a mother and a miserable excuse for a step-father. I was basically a teacher’s pet through 8th grade not because i was a kiss ass but because I excelled far above my classmates in everything intellectual. But even during those years I struggled. And I thought it was just me. That everybody had the same internal struggles and I was just poor at handling them. I went through two marriages, never keeping a job for more than a year or two in most cases and some were far less than that. I could never seem to get my shit together. Now, at 63, I’m living alone in a trailer. I don’t even own a vehicle. I am everything I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE. I have four sons, 23, 37, 38, 41. I have shared apartments with the youngest and oldest. I have lived with a couple other family members since my “retirement”. I had a DUI thirty years ago and used to drink a lot but now I have two beers occasionally before going to bed because it helps me fall asleep. Most of the time I forget the beer is even there. I own a handgun and a shotgun. Both loaded. And every day I can’t figure out why the f**k I can’t do the one thing I really want to do. Gutless, I suppose.
Hi Gary,
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard go of it. It’s not fair in the least that some of us are saddled with so much.
One thing I would like to add is that you’re not “gutless.” Far from it. You have survived what most people never could.
I wrote about the idea of cowardice in the face of suicide here: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/suicide/im-coward-killing-myself/
All I can tell you is that it sounds like you’re not getting the proper treatment. Maybe you could seek out a new psychiatrist and psychologist. Learn a new therapy. Pick up some new coping skills.
Life doesn’t have to be so hard.
— Natasha Tracy
Me and my daughter both struggle with BPD and multiple other mental health comorbidities. I attempted suicide in 2002 when my daughter was 3 years old and she has tried multiple times as well. August 16, 2020 my husband completed suicide, I found him and performed CPR on him. The pain and the visions me and my daughter are left with now are 100 times worse than the pain I was dealing with when I tried to complete suicide in 2002. Please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal or having suicidal ideations because suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it just gives it to someone else that loves you.
Eva, thank you for sharing this part of your story. I will remember this when I feel like taking my life.
P.S. I also struggle with BPD.
I love everything I have read over the last 24hrs I just can’t put u down! Thanks so much for sharing ur knowledge it helps me not feel so alone.
I am so ready to leave. :/ I only stick around for my SO and my pets. A significant part of me hopes they find someone new so I can finally leave. I am such a shit partner having bipolar. What a shit existence.
I’m 15 atm and I have tried three times to commit suicide for multiple reasons especially school and loosing all my friends and my nan
However if a year ago that succeeded I wouldn’t know I have a new cousin on the way
I wouldn’t have seen my cousin turn four
I wouldn’t have a kitten
And I wouldn’t have my new bf that I’ve had for a month and half
Life comes with many struggles and even though I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression.,anxiety and . Ptsd (through nearly getting stabbed at 13) I’ve worked my way and got stronger because no matter how empty you are feeling there’s always someone wether it’s family or someone you met online or even someone that lives on the street this planet is one big community and yes there are people who can do wrong but think of all the good you have done a d try to help others and give out smiles and say good things because it’s free and will soon come back to you
I just recently tried to kill myself and didn’t know It. I had a life-threatening eating disorder for the third time in 5 years, but this time, I remember sitting on my hospital bed and literally feeling my body go into different stages… it got very scary but I barely cared. Just kept fighting from fighting it.
It has been almost a month since then, and today is the first time, still depressed but starting to reach out slowly… I am looking for a glimmer of hope.
Today I came upon this article. I read about what you achieved since you stuck around. Sky diving! Flying, in Venezuela with eagles! I am very inspired. And well… I wanted to share that I have had a similar train of thought.
I remember that the first time my eating disorder came around… directly after surviving… I met a man that meant the world to me. For the first time in my life I was happy and two years later he asked for commitment after spending the time at amazing concerts and traveling. Also after surviving I took my health seriously and got a great job and friends.
I also know it’s important to stick around, because there are so many blessings just waiting to meet us past our struggling times.
I don’t know why depression hits, maybe it’s hereditary… but, I just wanted to say that I’m so grateful to have read this article because it strengthened my heart a little more… and now I have a little more hope. Thank you!
Hi El,
I’m very glad you survived. Your comment brightened my day :)
You’re very welcome for the hope — you’ve offered me some too.
– Natasha Tracy
I have bipolar am 69 and many days much anger and pain
Thank you I really needed to read that today. Mentally I’ve been on the edge of throwing in the towel. I’ve suffered from chronic pain, depression, and a bunch of other stuff for a very long time I was unbreakable for What seemed like forever. Then my oldest daughter got dragged across state and it fucking broke me. I gave up and took in out on my wife and now she’s gone. I actually wrote out notes to each of my family members this morning. Idk If it’s because I’m so sick of hurting or more so I hurt and ran off the person that meant the most to me in this world. I’m trying so hard to fight to get her back but I’m so scared I’ve already lost her, and I just want to shut down. Thank you for writing this. I’m sorry for ranting is just something I needed to get out. I’m going keep trying to fight for them.
I am fighting daily against depression, thanks for your awesome writing.
” I told her couldn’t take medication and she said I needed it like a diabetic needed insulin and that it was nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I told her treatment was weak and she said it was strong. I brought up myths about medication and she debunked every one.”
Natasha, do you know what the hospital do if a diabetic patient refuse insulin? I am asking because I truly don’t know, and really want to know, what their standard protocol is, when a diabetic patient refuses insulin, in the USA or Canada.
I read that so many people say their meds don’t help. At least now I know I’m not the only one. I just turned 35 and have been dealing with major depression and suicidal thoughts since I was in high school. I’ve been on so many different types of meds and nothing seems to help. I’ve just now seen another new doctor and was diagnosed with being bipolar. She just put me on Seroquel and I hate it.
I Have BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY, MOOD DISOEDER, DEMON VOICES! WHAT I DON’T HAVE? I DON’T HAVE ANY PEACE AND LONO LOVE FOR MYSELF! MY CHRISTIAN WIFE AND YOUNGEST DAUGHTER BASICALLY HATES ME AND DISRESPECTS ME BECAUSE OF ALL THIS! TO HURT LIKE THIS AND TO SEE MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER AND WIFE CARE FOR OTHERS AND NOT ME TEARS ME A PART! AND HERE I AM STILL HELPING PROVIDE FOR THEM FROM MY BENEFITS OF LIVING IN HELL AND SUFFERING, THEY STILL SHOW NO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OR COMPASSION AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO FIGHT I SUFFER MORE AND MORE EVEN FEELING MORE AND MORE THAT “GOD DOES NOT CARE SO I JUST WANT MY SO CALLED LIFE TO END AND WANT SOME PEACE AND TO NOT BE HATED BY OTHERS BECAUSE OF THE TORTURED MIND AND SOUL I HAVE SO THAT CAN MOVE ON IN LIFE, PEACE AND BE HAPPY!!!!
Sometimes depression is looked on as “nothing” but it is real. Try not to take it personally, it is not you. You are loved…especially by God. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but I do know that suicide is not the answer. You were put on this earth for a reason and suicide was/is not the reason. God does care. I would suggest that you take that energy and put it into prayer and seeking God. Find you who you are and what your purpose is in life, life not death! You are loved. Many people care. Forgive the ones who act like they don’t. You are important! Don’t give up!
I have been fighting bipolar disorder all my life. I remember being happy as a kid, but the depression started in my teenage years. I am 48 now, and it is worse than ever. I have been on several medications. They don’t make me any better. Usually make me feel like a zombie or I felt like I hated everyone or could kill people when I was on lithium. I have totally isolated myself from everyone the last 10 years. I just recently quit taking meds. I usually have 5 jobs in a year, because I can’t get alone with others or I have problems socializing with other people. I have had my current job for 1 1/2 and that is only because I work by myself. The last 3 years have been hell. My Mom is the only person who has ever supported me (she is also bipolar), she had a stroke in 2012. It effected her speech and thought process. It is like I already lost her. Then my husband who I have been with for 20 years wanted me to move in with his Mom because of her being ill. I agreed to do it, even though I knew it wouldn’t work out. I ended up moving out. I have a house I own, but was renting. I told the people they needed to move so I could move back in. I though my husband was going to move back in with me, but he decided to stay at his Mom’s. He said he couldn’t desert her. So here I am all by myself at my house. He would only come by and see me about every 2 weeks. I have no friends, family (besides my mom), don’t talk to my 2 sisters, and I justed recently broke the relationship off with my husband. He is not here for me. I have become extremely suicidual. I think about it all the time. I have no one left. Never had any kids. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my pets. I can’t desert them. I could lay died at my house for a week or longer and I know that no would call me or notice. So to me, I am like what is the point of being here. I want to get out and make new friends, but I have isolated myself for so long. It is hard for me to talk to people. I feel like I am on the edge of giving up. I kept telling myself tonight. That once my Mom passes away and the animals die, which will probably be in at least 8 years. I don’t want to be hear no more. Even if I go to hell, it would probably not feel any worse than what I feel hear on earth. People are also cruel. If someone has a regular disease they are treated with respect. If you tell people you are bipolar, they don’t want to be around you.
If I had killed myself 30 years ago, I wouldn’t have had those decades of pain and loneliness. But I got a boyfriend about 3 years ago. And if I had killed myself then, I wouldn’t have experienced the man I love verbally abusing me and picking me to pieces and threatening my life and sneering at me when I complained.
Yes, I tried the meds, for years (didn’t work).
No, I have no family. And no friends. And no, “joining a club” doesn’t work. I tried that. I cannot socialise, I am autistic, diagnosed too late in life.
Don’t try and cheer people up with bullshit.
I’m sorry that you had such a terrible experience with your boyfriend. Stuff like this can happen to anyone :/ It’s a good thing you got rid of that bastard.
I wonder, what would you do if you had no limitations, financial or other? No depression to stop you? What would make sense? Would you rather be alone and peaceful or with honest decent people? Would you like to find safety in doing one thing you know how to do, or would you rather explore the world and your abilities?
I’m trying out now living with depression as if I lived with a physical disability. Living some sort of life I would want despite all the issues. Concentrate my energy on stuff that makes some sense and people worth the effort.
I’m volunteering with kids. I see them get happier and stronger in the support system they’re in. It makes sense for me, only I don’t have as much strength as I’d want to, not everyday. I studied to be a psychologist, but I’m too sceptical to do it now. If I had to spend my life just earning money and doing the dishes and talking to family, I swear to God I wouldn’t bother. But I have shitty weeks filled with sadness and pain and then something nice happens. It doesn’t make the sad days okay. -5 + 3 is still -2. But like I said, I see it as similar to living with chronic physical pain.
I guess different things work for different people.
I agree, Me.
Good comment.
I was a depressed baby. Fucking lousy parents.
Cheer me up with soliloquies or club-joining and I’ll know straight away how ignorant a person is. I have no patience for that sh1 t anymore.
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of everything and everyone. Tired of myself. Mostly really fucking tired of cunty people.
A good point. I appreciate your point. You’re right. Maybe its just for the little moments of happiness in the midst of the madness…Count the blessings. Counting the defeats would take out even those without the illness.
If I had killed myself 8 years ago, I would have never been in over my head in debt and had to file bankruptcy
If I had killed myself 7 years ago, I would have never lost my job
If I had killed myself 6 years ago, I would have never lost my house in foreclosure and had my car repoed
If I had killed myself 2 years ago, I would have never failed at my attempt to better myself by getting a college degree
If I had killed myself 1 year ago, I would have never had to live and sleep on the streets
My entire life has been a string of continuous failures, one right after the other…
It always seems like I have a plan, but it always gets ruinned by me or circumstance…
I feel like I’m just a born loser with no hope of ever having success or opportunity.
I feel your pain I lost my job and haven’t work in a year. I will loose everything like you posted maybe I should of killed myself 8 years ago?
Don’t. Wait. Laugh at life knowing you could leave it if you wanted, but it’s kind of fun to watch the “normies” g through it. I have the scars. I’ve been to the edge. All I have is the comedy left. It’s like a soap opera to us.
Laugh at life? If I had.not gone through life feeling that it’s just a big joke, I really would have killed myself as a teenager. I take nothing in life seriously, even my death, but I can assure you that there is nothing that is trivial.
Life is one big joke and the punchline is, ‘Your going to die’. No matter what purpose you have created for yourself, it’s all in preparation for your death, whether it be making a name for yourself or merely just belief.
I didn’t mean to be trivial. By all means. I have 4 attempts under my belt, 2 of them not just a cry for help. On top of the bipolar, I’m an alcoholic. I control it sometimes, and sometimes I can’t. I think there is a pretty good percentage of us like that. Last night (and this entire holiday season) for a divorced dad isn’t quite a walk in the park. Last night, like many others I spent hours googling the best way to die. My point was, I have to look at things from the outside sometimes so I don’t focus on my problems. I have to find some sort of humor or I’ll just end up dead, in the ER, then the ward, then feeling like a complete failure who’s only option is what we are talking about in this forum.
I am struggling right now, i have been for a long long time. Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and hitting that AGE when people start taking the piss out of you because you get hot sweats and your body is out of control. The doctors are clueless and just want to park you up on a multitude of drugs…..im thinking of ending it all. I have no fight left nothing left to give i cannot i cannot cope with another day of this hideous misery. I don’t even have a mlillimeter, I’m empty with nothing left inside.
they’ve given me tablets but i was parked on them for years and it took me over 8 months to get free of them. I simply cannot go back on them again i already struggle taking the thyroid treatments, the iron tablets, the vitamin D tablets….and now bloody menopause tablets…i never wanted this i hate taking anything what is the point? if i was a dog id be put down.
I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and although it may seem I am okay I don’t feel ” Okay”. I moved to a new house, a new state away from my father, away from what was making me so down, but now that my life should be ” perfect” or ” without depression” I regularly find myself thinking ” Why am I still here?” I took medicine for a while before going cold turkey on it. I felt empty, and without emotion at all while I was on it and now I am not sure why I feel this way. My mom has may problems including depression, Anxiety, and PTSD but when I tell her I want to hurt myself she tells me ” Don’t do this. You do not feel this way” Making me feel like I’m a liar and I’m stupid for even mentioning it! She supported me before unlike my other family members who thought
I was faking all the time but now I don’t know. I know my mom is very stressed but she won’t even consider even though we have a good life now that I can still feel depressed.
All you can do is try to keep moving forward even though every fiber of your being is telling you to disappear, fade away, and everyone around you is telling you, you lie or that you are ugly, fat, obese, useless, crap, a tool
I’ve been depressed most of my life. High school was especially hard because I was a social outcast and had still do alot of anxiety. My father died when i was 7 and my mother was in and out of a mental hospital at different points in her life. Thank God for my Aunt who took me in while my brothers were put in a school for needy kids and my sister lived with a friend’s family since my widowed mother couldn’t take care of us. After school I went from job to job losing alot of them because I couldn’t do them; performance anxiety. I got involved with toxic men and had 2 children. My mother took her own life when I was 21. My brother took his life when I was in my 40’s. I’ve been on different meds and done some therapy. I feel like I don’t fit in this world. Am numb but at times have feel. like I am crying inside while putting on a happy face around people which is exhausting. I’ve made ALOT of mistakes and feel God will never forgive me so am trying to stay alive for my husband (finally found a good man) and my kids, grandkids and my siblings. Am still battling depression and trying to act like everything is ok but there’s so much pain inside. Feel like I’m just waiting to die and have asked God to take me or ask why am I here on Earth. Have alot of problems getting things done cause I feel what’s the point. Just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I have no reason really. My life has been nothing but pain. I have never met someone with my genetics and life circumstances. I have Asthma, Allergies, Vaginismus, IBS-Constipation and everything that goes along with it, Chronic Pancreatitis, Sleep Related Eating Disorder, Binge Eating Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, I was recently diagnosed with Pitting Edema on both of my entire legs which is unexplained, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, hormonal imbalance unexplained. This is the list I can only think of at the moment.
I have nothing positive in my life. I recently moved and a month into the lease I was advised they were selling the house. I am so depressed and feel I cannot even make a decision on moving. My medical strifes. have really done it in for me. I have been to Mayo, travelled cross country for help, years of therapy, my body cannot handle psychotropic medications as I have tried them all with no success or the side effects were too significant.
My life has been one thing after the other. I feel that I am every statistic of bad things happening in my life…bullied as a kid, parents divorced, sexually assaulted in my life at college and the military, been in a domestic violence relationship, been suicidal, etc etc. You name it I can basically relate.
My depression is to the point where I am nonfunctional and just do not know where to turn I guess. I cannot even make basic decisions. In terms of suicide, I could never seem to bring myself to do it. Perhaps God does have some purpose for me or perhaps I am made to suffer as each passing year gets worse.
This is a great article though!!
Look at it this way… before I read your comment I had no idea that sleep-related eating disorders were a thing, and now as I’m sitting here looking at the descriptions and symptoms the more familiar they sound. I’m going to bring them up with my doctor and maybe we can figure out why I have so much trouble with night eating!
I am a wife a d have two small children. I love my family very much but I cannot seem to shake the feeling of giving up on everything. I am miserable all the time I find no joy in anything and my children are the ones suffering because I cannot seem to pull my shit together and fight this. My husband is of no help and I cannot talk to him about the way I feel simply because he sees it as a weakness that I need to handle on my own. Idk what to do anymore if I am ad weak as everyone says then what is the point anymore. These posts are very relatable but I still don’t know what to do. I just want to die I think about it just about every waking moment. I put on a happy face and pretend when on the inside I’m crumbling. I can’t cry at home without getting screamed at. My husband loves me but he doesn’t deal with any kind of emotion and I’m just lost.
Hey Hailey,
I used to have very very bad depression- your post pulls on my heart as I cant help but feel a sense of compassion for you. I am healed and wanted to hear some more about you: (if you’d rather respond by email I don’t care: my email is jacen_kurciviez@student.uml.edu)
Let me ask you:
How long have you been depressed for? Do you ever remember a time when life was “good”? What made life good at this time? And if you don’t know if or if not it was ever good, could you explain why? Really want to help you
Sincerely
Jacen
Hi Hailey,
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. In my life, I’ve learned that being bipolar isn’t weak. I’ve fought against it every day for 17 years. That you have survived your situation shows me you have strengrh and courage, determination. Don’t give up on yourself! If this illness has taught me anything, it’s taught me how valuable it is to know who is in my corner and who isn’t. I have cut out of my life family and friends who were hurtful or downright toxic. Those were some of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Support is crucial, in my opinion. I have worked hard to strengthen relationships and make new ones. I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. For me, a combination of the right medical support, good therapy and people who love me and support me no matter what has made all rhe difference. It’s a hard road that we are all on, but it’s not impossible. I wish you the best of luck!
I’m not really one for letting it all out or pouring my heart out or any of that ****. However, the quiet I’ve maintained thus far must have some responsibility in what I’m going through now. I’ve read many of the posts and can relate on many levels with what I’ve read.
My emptiness is as much confusing as it is painful. I have a career that I enjoy, for the most part. I don’t drink or use synthetic drugs. I smoke cannabis. That is my vice. Take that as you will. I stay in shape, my diet isn’t too bad, my colleagues respect me and they think I’m an all around good guy. The truth is quite the contrast. I’m three weeks away from my 40th birthday and I am at the darkest place I’ve ever been. When there’s light, I feel “normal”, which is to say I’m somewhat happy. I keep people laughing and am fun to be around. I think about my darkness and it seems ridiculous to think that way. Then the lights go out and my darkness comes sneaking back. This is when my mind tells me a much different story. This is when the thoughts of my own expiry seem to make sense. I’ve pushed all of my loved ones away to varying degrees and I’ve lost most of my friends because of my dark turns. I become a very difficult person to be around as this dark energy is a repellent to most. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do. I refuse to speak to any professional as I refuse to any form of committal. I’ve seen what those places do to people who are already on a verge. I just can’t help thinking, what happens when the light just doesn’t come back? What then?
I’m marriage with 2 kids but I still feel alone and empty I been deal with depression for 40 year
if you don’t have a reason to do it don’t do it if you want to live just get a reason to
Thank you all, each one of you saved me. For the moment. For this millimeter
so i can definitely relate to alot of this. ive been dealing with depression all of my life, frankly im only 21 but its still alot of years to deal with something that refuses to go away. ive always dealt with it but when i got to middle school and was bullied bad for being gay, it really triggered my depression to the point where i became suicidal and my mind would mess with me as when i would have a mood swing, i would literally daydream of killing myself and how people would react to it, then come out of it smiling and crying at the same time which is kinda scary to me. i finally talked and got help, was put on medication and had to see a psychiatrist and councelor till i aged out of my insurance as a minor. medication really helped me and i started volunteering at an animal shelter 6 days a week and my friend moved in with me to help me remain elevated. i thought i was done with the endless years cycle of depression because i didnt have any swings for a long time but eventually i did relapse and unfortunately i dont have insurance to get help so once again, ive been dealing with depression for the past few years by myself, noone understands. yes some people get depressed over life events, but its completely diffrent when your depression is like a disease, its like you dont have to do anything to trigger it but u continue to have mood swings. i do know a main cause, my ex boyfriend who is also my 1st love, fell head over heels for him. we remained friends afterwards which is good and bad. we havent talked in a week and idk why but i know it makes it worse just because im not over him. idk how to be. but hes not the only reason or cause for my episodes. i just get sooooo tired of dealing with this on a daily basis here lately and it just seems like a never ending cycle, it wont go away no matter what i do. i didnt ask for this life or to deal with depression which does kinda makes it worse whenever i do have a depression mood swing, thinking about just letting the depression take over, i mean why keep fighting for something thats going to keep reoccuring and never stop? the pain will never fully go away so why fight and fight when its just going to keep coming back? theres no use, or at least i dont see one. the only 2 reasons i havent tried to commit suicide is my niece who i share custody of and is a big uncles girl, and my mom who idont think would survive burying one of her kids. but what happens when shes gone? how will ifeel when 1 of my main reasons to keep going leaves? why fight through more pain through the next few years when in 2 years i might have enough and end it all? the years leading up to it were for nothing then right? i just dont see why i should have to feel bad about leaving people behind when i was not asked to have this life or deal with this mind disease. i honestly dont want either one of them. whats so great in life? idk. i dont plan on doing anything soon, but its always in the back of my mind
Hi Jonathan, no one can elevate u except u urself. Same feelings same life I am also leaving like you since last 17 years. Stop thinking about you and start leaving for others like u mentioned your mom etc. That’s the only way to keep going. This world is not for people like us.
I lost 10 months of sobriety a few days ago. I quit taking my meds. Bipolar and alcoholism are like oil and water. I quickly (24 hours) hit rock bottom and called 911 with the physical and mental scars to add to my collection. I’m back on my meds and back on the wagon. Given the magic of today’s drugs, I literally can’t drink for at least 7 days. Those who have been on my path know what that means. But here is the reality. I am bitter. I am angry. I am depressed. I can’t fight the thoughts of sadness, loneliness, unloved. I gave up and it hurts. I am alone in my mind and convinced no one loves me. But I’m still here. I feel the pain of my disease(s) so vividly right now that I remember why I am supposed to stick to my meds and stay away from harmful people, places and things. I’m not here to tell others not to give up. I’m only telling my story of how, today, I haven’t even though I want to. But that’s because I am supposed to want to. I am bipolar. I do this. It happens. I hate it, but it does. Do you know how often I think about the statistic that 85% of people who are bipolar and alcoholic die by their own hand? How I dwell on the hopeless of that. I think there are cancers with higher survivability rates. But I’m still here. Right behind my diseased brain, there is a part of me that says not today. Maybe, probably, someday. But not today. That little voice that is covered up by our disease is in all of us. We all hear it sometimes, or we wouldn’t be reaching out in hope hidden by tears.. Not today.
I feel the same way. No spouse, no children….i couldn’t even manage the spark to take care of my puppy anymore so I gave her up…. so no animals either. I am young, I often hear others pour compliments over me but what does it matter since I can’t rid myself of this pain? This building pressure inside of me….it wells and grows and sometimes I literally feel like I am going to explode. Not a single day goes by with dry eyes. I have gotten so down on so many occasions that it has actually caused me to feel sick. I have no interest in life. Absolutely no motivation. It as if I feel 75% pain 25% numb detachment. I feel detached. Bored. Like I’m waiting for death. I am trying to find something to fight for. The torturing part is…I don’t know where all this pain is coming from. I have no idea. I can identify times and things that have made it worse but I can’t find the source of the initial, everyday-all-consuming pain. So I don’t know how to fix it. The only thing that’s keeping me going is a refusal to actually end a life. whether it be my own or another I will never kill a soul….
Well, I can definately relate to the posts I have read. I have sufferred depression for most of my adult life. That terrible black cloud that descends and takes over your life. Those voices in your head that tell you that you are useless, no good, a failure, a waste of space. I remained off medication for 10 years and was reasonably happy and functioned ok in the world. However, a horrible relapse in 2014 has once again affected my life in a negative way. I worked in a toxic, horrible work environment which badly affected my self confidence, self esteem and professional confidence for over 5 years. I quit that job, because I became suicidal over the horrible, toxic work environment and could not cope with the bullying, bitching and backstabbing. I think about death and killing myself every day, I am once again on medication, sought help, but nothing has helped, no amount of medication or talking has or will help me. I am so sick of dealing with myself and my horrible brain, which constantly runs me into the ground. The psychological pain is horrible and I just want it to end. I really hate myself and have given up on life and don’t want to live. I recently found a Girlfriend, which has been a positive (We don’t live toghether). She also has many problems in life (financial and personal), and I am unsure if I could cope with helping her through her problems. She is probably not capable of helping me either as she has too many negative things to deal with in life and becomes stressed and is struggling to cope with problems in her life. Two people not coping in the world is definately a recipe for disaster. I also don’t want to inflict my illness onto her, despite her financial and personal problems she remains relatively positive and happy with life, despite negative thoughts about her situation. I applied for a new job in another state and have to move as I got the job, she is unable to move due to finanical and personal constraints. I can never return to the town where we live due to poor employment prospects (basically no jobs, plus burnt many bridges due to depression), so we will probably never be together. I fear the only friend I have in the world is going to be lost when I move and that I will lose the plot, end up unemployed, homeless which will push me over the edge and force me to exit into the next world. I have come to the conclusion that I have a terminal ilness with only one cure……………….death.
Ok then, a millimeter matters <3 keep fightin
When you are depressed but have kids or a spouse, then you have a reason to fight. I on the other hand feel like there is no reason to fight, Am i fighting to stay alive so I can be lonely? am I fighting to stay alive just so I can be ridiculed by people? I am in a corner and there is no way to escape, why should this heart continue beating when every beat hurts?
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have no kids, no spouse, friends, – not even any family whatsoever and have sort of decided to surrender to my depression. Having no purpose, no family, no anything, makes it very difficult to believe there is something worthwhile fighting for. I stopped taking my meds last week as I’ve came to the conclusion that I no longer want to be under the influence of chemicals – I know I’ll likely deteriorate but at least things will come to a head sooner rather than later. I find it impossible to believe others who say “you will get better” especially when it’s from someone who has a loving family/friends to support them.
I know this won’t help much.. ..if any.. But sometimes it’s beneficial to remember that life doesn’t consist of human beings and their opinions and actions. We have animals, stars, flowers, trees, rainbows… try to forget about people and how they have impacted you. Try to concentrate on the other 98% of existence…
Yes. This is me, too. And thinking “If I’d overdosed x years ago, I’d never have…” doesn’t help at all, because I wouldn’t be aware that I’d missed out on those things. (Those things I can’t actually think of.)
Since the age of 7 or 8 life has fired an endless clip of bullets at me. From having a peado dad to my brother (idols) suicide to the cheating girlfriends to the bullying. Im 27 now so that’s 20 years of none stop bullshit from my “loved ones”… I’d have been better off if I’d spent that 20 years in prison. I don’t even feel like a person anymore just a whipping boy! I know that if I really tried I could find my way out of this dark hole but what’s the point?! I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve climbed back on the horse just to get knocked of it again. Im at a point now where I don’t even care about what people think of my suicide because frankly its that caring about what others think that has made me a prisoner in my own body.
I know this isn’t the cheery upbeat “lets fight this together” attitude that others seem to have and for that I apologise but I am hoping that sharing these feelings might help to make me think twice. Thanks for listening.
ive had this horrible horrible thing for a long time now med what is that shit word med when it hits you no med no drink no anything will stop it you ll feel it coming it comes so quick its like a sudden rain shower.Docs say speak to someone about it in reality you cant talk your stomach is like a volcano your head is trembling unknown to those around you smoking is like one following the other .You retreat to bedroom piull blinds knowing sleep wont take place but you battle and battle.Doc gives you 7 or so sleepers you take one at 5 am you drift somewhere in horrible noghtmares to return to that bedroom awake again back to shaking feeling dreadful sorry you woke up i hate the pig thing then one day that sponge thing in your skull decides to change and your back to you Now its time coz we aint no car to change but how car carrying on like that you would scrap it suicide is there it stops the pain but depression beat you ////////
\up to 5 years ago I was extremely happy had everything anyone could wish for then like an explosion my whole worl started to fall apart, One major disaster after another and just keeps on coming.I know that sounds very over dramatic but if I start to go into everyhting will block up the whole site.
Been on the pills been to the counselor done thr trying to help others and basically sick of trying,
How long before you finally say ok enough is enough been optimistic too many timess to have it shattered again.
Really think its now time to give in
Never thought I would end up on a web site discussing this pain.
Briefly, hideous divorce 5 years ago to a woman I should never have married but she did produce two beautiful daughters for us who are now 5 and 7. They are staying with me now but am too down to cope with them so my wonderful mother has taken them to the cinema. The divorce and court is still on going as I signed a dumb spousal agreement as had run out of legal funds all those years ago. I am now trying to get a fairer deal with that and contact. Unfortunately, my ex father in law is a very wealthy man who works in oil and is also a control freak. He will not negotiate and is making the process as expensive as he can do for me, knowing I cannot go toe to toe with him on funds.
Earlier this year my girlf friend of 4 years broke up with me as could not deal with my yo you emotions on back of frustration I have had in past 5 years with a very thorny and manipulative ex wife. I have had bouts of anxiety and depression since divorce which effect sleep and mood. But since this break up I have slipped into a terrible place. Suicidal thoughts are constant and the will to do anything has gone, not helped by back pain which keeps me from biggest passion I have – running. I am 44 and ex girlfriend is 37. She was the most amazing and tolerant woman I have ever been with but my moods got her down and she could only stand by me for so long. We have been split up 5 months and kept sleeping with one another for about a month. 6 weeks after we split she met someone else, this news has crushed me completely with jealous thoughts not so much from having sex but just kissing and laughing together. I have many friends but scattered all over the place, I don’t know where to move as thorny ex wife is threatening to move 100 miles away, probably in retaliation to me trying to bring maintenance down. Currently living with parents and will buy somewhere sometime but God knows where. I have never felt so depressed and low and beating myself up for messing up best woman I have ever been with, the pain is constant, never goes away and just feel if I was not alive at least the pain would go away. Confidence is low and tried some on line dating but each woman is 100th of my ex Jess, and just miss her so so so much. Pre divorce never depressed but now it’s contestant. Tried therapy, different meds, nothing is changing. Time is a healer, 6 months down the track and still feel dreadful.
I don’t know what to do people, it’s hard going on like this.
Hi Simon
I was so sorry to read your email. I have been through similar… divorce; husband trying to keep me away from our son etc. All I can say is… please, for the sake of your children, stick with it. They will, in years to come, love you even more for your bravery and for sticking by them.
I understand completely what you say about running and it being your saviour… my passion is swimming. If I swim I can cope with whatever life throws at me. Even if you are unable to run can you at least get out in the fresh air and walk? I am sure that that would help.
You are right, time is a healer and you will come through this. Whilst you do need to be strong you do also need to let others help you as much as possible (whether that’s your parents helping with the kids or a mate buying you a beer).
I wish you luck. With best wishes
N
I’m not sure if I can put this into words but here goes…I too am exhausted! I remember as a child not being happy, I wasn’t sure why. My mother’s friend’s children used to say I pouted all the time and called me “Miss Kim have her way”. I didn’t feel like I needed to have my way, I just felt sad sometimes. I would sit alone, knowing they would always make fun of me and I was confused. I was an outcast and misunderstood.
I’m 51 now, never married…what man could put up with me? I was born a talented artist and there’s a lot I have done over the years artistically. I’m usually in a manic state when I come up with ideas and then I don’t sleep much until I’ve designed the product, come up with a business name, and designed a logo and flyers or some way of advertising. I am in the best part of my disease at that time and the possibilities are endless. I am excited and usually call my sister and go on and on about my business ideas, she is very patient but knows it will soon pass and I will be sitting in a pile of fantasy notes, printed items and it will soon end up lost in a drawer or discarded to never be looked at again. I also buy the materials I need to make this venture happen, a lot of wasted money.
My family doesn’t understand how a woman could go to college, computer illiterate and take Computer Drafting and Design with 95% men and graduate…little do they know I would have worn the honor ropes around my neck at graduation if I wouldn’t have spent a month or longer in a deep depression and missed too much class time. There are times I am doing very, very well…but I too, am tired and every year that passes it gets harder and harder to cope.
I have a son, he is my shining light a great kid and I’m so proud of him. I have raised him alone and he is going to be in the 10th grade this year. I attempted suicide a little over a year ago after working 6 years for a magazine doing all their advertising, I missed a lot of work over the years with them, they put up with a lot but I was trying so desperately to function with my disease and I came to a point of feeling my life would never change for the better, I was stuck, and I wanted to end the frustration. I am now close to losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve…I have lived with this for 40 years; I pray every day to help me keep going. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have had my child so I could have just ended my life before he was born; now I have more guilt about leaving him someday. I do have faith, but like I said…I’m really tired of the shame, guilt, and trying to be someone I will never be…
People, I WAS depressed and Im convinced I have the answer to your sufferings…
I walked down my school hallways everyday senior year thinking about blowing my brains out with a handgun, I could feel the explosion of a gun in my mouth and almost fantasized about it because it felt so real to me. I had two people talking in my head, one fighting for me to die- telling me it would be better off if I killed myself, and another telling me I should live- yet I never fully understood why I SHOULD live since everything in life seemed so meaningless. I had good grades, people liked me, I was in shape, I was going to college… it all on the outside seemed so great but for SOME REASON it was all EMPTY and meaningless… it was a horrible deathly feeling on the inside that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
If you’re going to kill yourself- you probably should try and find out if God is real… this is exactly what I did and to save you the details- it WORKED. ……….I am happy, I am confident, I don’t base my self-worth on what other people think about me, I have meaningful relationships, I love my family, my friends love me, I have more friends, I have a good job, and Im just simply HAPPY. its a fulfilling Joy… and just remember- I WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS… I REALLY wanted to kill myself… theres meaning to life people! Theres a plan!
Do NOT kill yourself, what do you have to lose if you TRY and find God? If he is real, and you REALLY try, would he not help you and answer you? Maybe youtube a video of other people’s experience with the matter, there are thousands of testimonies…God bless :)
p.s We will never meet in real life and I have no reason to lie… all I can tell you is that once I found God and started to develop a relationship with him, my depression went away- God bless :)
I have dealt with depression all my life. I remember even before I was old enough to go to school, I would hold my breath hoping that I would die from doing that. Some of my depression I belief is inherited, some has been caused from being abused. Some days I never think of ending my life, but most days I think of it a lot. I wish that I could say committing my life to God made everything okay for me. But in truth it hasn’t. I want to be filled with joy, but wanting to can’t make it happen. There have been many times when I pray for God to bring me home. I know it isn’t the Christian thing to do, but the physical and mental pain is just so overwhelming at times. I have prayed and asked God to let me trade places with people that I know that are terminally ill. I total understand one poster who said it made her feel worse at times to hear someone’s positive uplifting story. People commenting to me things like “Why are you so sad and depressed? there are people much worse off than you in the world” really hurts me, because I KNOW THAT, but my horrible depression is not effected by that fact.
I have taken many kinds of medication over the years. Some helped a little for awhile. Others made me insanely suicidal. I am so glad that some people find a medication etc. that pulls them through to the other side of the darkness of depression. I really don’t think any two people who suffer has the same story of battles or triumphs.
There are only two things I have found out on my journey through my life that I hold fast too knowing about my depression. I don’t do well if everyone acts like I am someone to be avoided as if I have a horrible disease they might catch. And I ALWAYS have to have a glimmer of hope.
I pray for the day when more people understand that sufferers of depression do NOT want be sad, etc.
I PRAY I ALWAYS SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, AND KNOW IT ISN’T A TRAIN.
AND I PRAY I CAN ALWAYS SAY, “THE SUN IS COMING UP IN THE MORNING” AND KNOW I WILL BE THERE TO SEE IT.
God has me in this world for a reason, I do know that. I pray I will one day I figure out a way to enjoy the journey, at least most of the time.
I’m tried of trying to be happy. When I talk about they way I feel it makes me feel worse. When people try to help me I feel 10x worse then before. I have good days but they seem to be decimated by the days that follow. I feel lost and alone. Everyone I talk to seem confused and doesn’t understand sometimes they get angry I just don’t get it. What makes matters worse is that I feel like I have no reason to feel like this.
I’m just so lost and more alone then ever…
I’v been depressed since I was diagnosed with lymphoma. Been all over the place. I would say that I am successful and people would trade places. However, no amount of success has brought me out of this hole. Recently my mother died of cancer and all I’m doing is wondering why her, when I actually want to die. Just waiting for the cancer to come back.
Hello to all of you,
I am reading a book that is called: Acceptance and Commintment Therapy. It is very important how depression works. Please, please do not isolate yourselves; try to be around other people a lot. When the depression passes then I think then is OK to spend sometime alone. Continue with your life. May God be with you all.
Dear Tessie,
I know exactly how you feel… I spent most of my life fighting depression and changing jobs. Now I am back in the pit again and I am afraid of loosing my job again. I can’t take it anymore. I tried so hard, it works for a while and than comes back again, more powerful, making me unable to go to work. How can I explain this? What can I say, why I can’t go to work? I have no explanation… I am a failure. Again.
What i am going to do without job? I feel so guilty. It is like I have no place in this world. i am trying to fit in, but I feel different, broken, sad and useless…
I really want to be ok again but I just don’t know how. After 20 years of depression, I still don’t know how to fight. Nothing works. nothing. :(
I read a lot of this posted and felt some connect to them all, but yours seemed to be my life. I remember as a child always being down longer than others and found it hard to get back to level. I used to drink a lot which for those years worked. It kept my mind busy, but all the while everything was falling apart around me. Now that I dont drink its as if my depression was there waiting. Im on meds now but doesn’t change the guilt, lack of wanting to get up each day for work, I see myself like the hamsters on the wheels fighting with all their might to get somewhere and the whole time stuck in the same place, whats the point. Just let me lay in bed and died. I continue to buy things to try and bring my hopes up but once I have it I lose that rush I need to kept going and fall back to wanting to climb back in bed. Mondays are horrible. Looking for some reason to call in sick. If I just get one more day to hid from the world then tomorrow ill get the motivation to go followed. Then the cycle beings all over again. Depression like a demon waiting in the shadows questioning every move you make and making you feel guilty for making that decision. Life shouldn’t be this hard. Glad I have found this site, knowing that its not something im only dealing with it does help.
P.S. the happy people that say you only need to change the way you look at things can go jump off a cliff, if that was it I would have been happy years ago!!
Doctors have told me ive been dealing with my depression all my life, ive been really good at hiding it through the years mainly from alcohol. Once I had my first drink I felt like I fit in that I wasn’t sad and I could fit in with anyone, hold conversation with anyone even if I was the only one drinking in the room. I drank till it almost killed me when I was 29. Hospitalized I was told on Friday id be died by Sunday. Most people would have been sad that their life was over. I was on the other hand. For the first time in my life I was relieved it would soon be over. Finally I got a way out from all the pain that is depression. For those few days I remember being extremely happy. The doctors said I would go to sleep and my body would shut down and I wouldn’t wake up. Those two days lasted 6 months on hospice care and every night thinking ok tonight the night it over. Didn’t happen. Hospitalized again 6 weeks and my body wouldn’t quit. I had the easy way out and although my brain had checked out my body fighting. I started to wonder if God had a plan for me and maybe once I got out of the hospital my depression would be gone. But it was only a hope. My depression become stronger. Now I had to learn to eat, walk again and put my body back to health and fight the demon of depression on top of that. Forward 10 years now and I think my depression full blown, I dont want to hurt myself or anyone else. I just wanted the world to leave me out. I want to hid in my home and tell everyone to leave me alone. The only reason I know im here today is being rised Catholic. Which suicide is punished to hell. If for not that reason I would not be here to tell my story. I had the guns, I loaded them, even pictured it at my head. But my faith has kept me from that point. I don’t think of myself as a devoted Catholic. At times I dont fill connected to my faith at all. But it the only reason I can think of as to why im still here. P.S. Matchbox 20 “unwell” really makes me feel like someone out there knows my pain and that helps a lot.
I hate being mentally ill. I despise it almost as much as it causes me to despise myself. I had my first bout with clinical depression 10 years ago in my 20’s and went through all that stuff with the meds, talk therapy, just trying to get a diagnosis (which is never a fun roller coaster) he ended up telling me that my depression was most likely cyclical and would keep coming back. Yay, so I get to fear feeling horrible forever?! Sometimes it goes away for years, but it always comes back. Right now, the big black dog is looming so large in my life, he is blocking out the sun. I don’t think anyone would be surprised or even devestated by my death. I am such an embarrassing failure, I cringe when my I think about my parents having to answer “how’s your lovely daughter?” Then they can say that I don’t work and live with them because I mentally ill. I am so ashamed of an illness that I can keep at bay for years with meds (as needed), yoga, and accomplishments, but will always come back. I can’t fight him anymore. Time is running out to “do something” with my life… and I just want it done.
Just needed to write…
Everyone here has their own story to share and history behind it all. Like many of you, I was unaware of my issues until it was too late and don’t really think I need to justify any of it by sharing the details now (and none of you need to hear another sad, sad story). In short, I have been and still are on medications since 2001, counseling for the last three years have help me bring my problems to light, but I have not yet found my panacea (wasn’t God, a book, a motivational speaker, and whatever else).
I credit the fact that I am still alive today to my two little children, but I am scared out of my mind for the day that I might lose the battle. This is a battle for me, for I am dependent on medications and counseling just to keep going or so I fool myself. I use to be a fighter of all things and it wasn’t always a good thing, but it gave me the drive to keep trying and moving. I have now lost that “fighting” spirit that I use to carry.
I am literally pushed everyone out of my life this year. I tell myself that I still have the two most important persons in my life (my two little girls) and that’s all that matters. I have to remind myself of the commitment I had made when we decided to have children. I have to live for them… so I keep telling myself.
Repeating something over and over again for the past three years didn’t make anything easier or better. Realizing the reason why I am always feeling tired and unmotivated, because I have lost the fighting spirit is one big step backwards.
The only thing that have really withstand the test of time for me is “time.” I can’t argue against suggestions like:
• Time heals all
• Give it time and things will get better
• Time will tell
I am 35 years old and depresstion hit me after i gave up drinking .I was drunken mess for 10 years one problem after another and by my third DUI i lost my Drivers L for 4 years . I had my own business and still do but hiring people to drive me was really getting to me . I felt like a total losser and still feel that way sometimes . I have been sober now 10 months and depression is a very big problem sometimes i don’t leave the house for a week at a time . Stuck in my dark room with blankets covering any light source was my safe spot were no body could see me . All i did was watch you tube videos on others in the same boat and read countless books on how to get out of this hell hole ….Killing my self was a thought that kept poping into my mind and at what point would i gave up to the under taker . Somedays are better then others . Im am offf all Antidepressant drugs i took 6 in a row all made me way worse and i started having pannic attacks and called 911 3 times ….Now im on the health food diet and supplamenst . st john wart , niician , omeg 3 , vit c , d ,e Gaba , L- triptohan and many more … Next thing im trying is hypno theropy … Please send me and email if you have any advice vintage.homes@hotmail.com
Amy, I’m in the same boat, I’m trapped by my own family. If I knew they could handle it, I’d be gone.
I appreciate your article. I am so deep in the throes of depression right now it seems like nothing helps. The ONLY thing keeping me going is not wanting to devastate my son and husband by committing suicide. Otherwise I believe I would definitely go that route. Im sad, self-conscious, tired, guilt-ridden and desperate to feel better. I am so tired of gaining weight and fighting this depression every dang day.
HEY, i am 27 year old working in local company. from last 3 months i am fighting with depression. In the beginning i don’t even know about the problem, then i am strikes by the Panic attacks it makes me so fearful, i start studied through Internet and after various study i make my own way to fight with it because i read about medicines and their side effects. i was on starting stage so i choose to fight it with natural ways, nowadays i woke up at 4:00 am ans drink lots of water and after being Fresh i go for Morning Walk and Meditate their even it helps a little to cure my decease but it made my day calmer and peaceful compared to other days and it also give me courage to fight with it daily, yes if something happen wrong to me then it also bring some good things to me that i never imagine when i am normal it changes my thoughts about life completely, i struggle daily and won over too many times also got defeat many times but all these are part of daily life for fighting depression.
I have felt depressed, worthless, miserable since I was a child. I remember the first day I thought of suicude, it was when I was 13, after being beaten with a bicycle chain in the schoolyard and urinated on by the schoolyard ‘toughs’… Every day at that high school was sheer hell. Every day was a battle to survive, after a while I began cutting myself , fur some reason the physical pain masked the feelings of worthlessness.
I feel that my psyche, or soul, was destroyed in that pace. I have never felt ‘worthy’ of living, I have never felt the touch of a woman, I have no friends. I still live with my parents as a 40+ year old man, I pay rent to my parents’, earn good money and take care of them now they are older. My mother says she worries about my sadness.
At work, I shun social interaction, i am able to function because I am very good with computers. Somehow I manage to function in our society, but I feel detached, like a distant observer, unworthy of being a part of this world where everyone else seems so happy.
I feel I am worthless, useless, an embarrassment
I often say ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’ and think of suicide every day, I know my mum loves me and my death would cause her incredible grief, so I hang on… For my mum.
I know deep within myself that the day my precious mum is gone will be the day I am all alone in this world.
I do not think I will have the strength to go on.
But until then… Every day I will get up and make a determined effort to fight on for one more day, one more day against my depression, one more day for my precious little mum who loves me.
Hi John. I just wanted to say I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes, I truly hope you’re ok. I felt very similar to you as a child, we moved around a lot which always made me the ‘new kid’, which is very hard as you have to try & start all over again, hoping that you’ll make some new friends and fit in. I remember feeling sad many times as a kid, and somewhat ‘detached’ I went through some tumultuous times as a teen and in my 20’s I married someone who perhaps wasn’t the best person for me. I’ve struggled a lot with depression and like many people on this thread, have tried so many times to get myself out of this frame of mind, only to be pulled down again by circumstances or by mental/emotional pain that won’t go away. I believe in God (who I think is the only reason I’m still here) but religion weighed heavily on me as a young person & made me feel like I was never going to measure up to the expected standard. I just drove me further away. I have a 15 year old son and am filled with angst about how my husband & I have probably adversely affected him by not providing the most ‘uplifting’ environment for him….my husband has also suffered from depression since he lost a very good job and became chronically ill at the same time. It’s just been hell. Like you, my dear parents have been there for me for several years now, but they are in their 70’s and I know one day they’ll be gone…which leaves me wondering how I will fare without them. God bless you John… I hope we will both be free one day soon x
I appreciate reading and knowing that I’m not unique with my depression..I’ve taken depression meds for years.. Some have helped for a while but ultimately fail at the. End. Currently going to start a new series plan from a shrink…I don’t sleep well at all..seems like time just makes things build up more. Try not to worry about things I can’t change.. Owe money to everyone .. Have no income at all .. Took me two years to get Medicaid emergency assts.lost over sixty pounds. A lot of muscle loss.very sedate. Have a family that’s loves me . Wife kids.. Three kids my eldest is the one I’m closest too.. She majored in phycololy and education. At times I tell her how. I feel but try to hold off she’s studying to get hurt masters . Don’t want to burden her with my problems. I helped her a lot financially but can’t anymore. I lost a well. Paying career that I irked for thirty years.. Lost mom fifteen years ago the shock made me diabetic now insulin dependent .. Lost dad two years ago . Lost my home three years ago.. Lost my car last year. Owe the irs for using my 401 k to support my family.. Used it to pay rent and pay for daughters living expenses.. Bedsides paying them. Every time I turn around I owe someone more money. My car was impeccable sold for half of what I owed .. Now they want the rest of the money. Moved three times in three years.. Currently I am homeless live itch wife’s family I don’t have any family left..receiving food assistance .. So. Humbling .. Cried when I got it ..my whole life’s work has disappeared ..sold most of jewelry I had inherited and accumulated do my family could eat .. Tired sad sick in pain sad sad sad.. Don’t see myself as a productive member of society.. Feel like I’m a hendrence to my family…I think they can be better I without me.. Feel like I’m in a very dark place walls keep coming in…lived stressed but had everything now almost nothing ..wish I could feel normal for just one day.. Don’t remember . Cry for anything..
I’m 40 years old and have had depression since I was 12, with very few ‘well’ times in between. I can say, maybe two years, two and a half in those 28 years that I’ve felt well and been able to function normally. I don’t have much fight left in me, especially knowing I’ve only got one surviving family member left. When she’s gone, I’m all alone in the world. My friends are all moving out of province, so there will literally be no one there.
I can’t work, I messed up volunteering, I’m facing golden years alone…why should I fight another 5 years, let alone 40?
You fight because YOU are worth it. YOU matter, not what you do, not what you think, but YOU. The world needs you.
People tell me this, too. All I can think is “why?” What is it about me that’s worth anything? Existing can’t be enough.
I was going to add to my comment that I feel like I’m on the cusp of suicide or seriously suicidal thoughts – if things get worse, suicidal thoughts and all the like will all be triggered again for me, like it was when I almost attempted suicide several times at 10, and I feel like I’ll enter that black hole against and there’ll be no lasting way out.
I appreciate the idea of your post, but sometimes it just seems impossible to do what I know I have to do in the future. I’m 16 and keeping up with my school work has been hard due to my depression and physical health issues, even though my course load hardly looks too significant on paper. While I know I’m strong in and of myself, it’s hard when others beat me down (unconsciously most of the time) by labeling me as lazy or procrastinating due to my struggle to keep up and make light of my work. It makes me feel semi-worthless in practical reality, because the world is so demanding and I don’t feel like I’ll have the strength to go on in the future to do what I need to. I cringe at the thought of my upcoming stresses with a possible move and doing college and work at the same time. I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. At some point, you can take tons of mental/emotional agony and stress, but it just has to end at some point, and recently I’ve found a coping mechanism through science, but it doesn’t feel like this will keep me going through my upcoming fight. Many times it seems pointless for me to live, as there’s so much evil in the world and thousands of girls my age and younger are literally raped daily. I want to help them, but I don’t know how. I almost attempted suicide and cut myself when I was 10, and the only thing that holds me back most of the time is that my mom and grandmother would probably suffer a lot if I killed myself. While I’m not thinking of committing suicide due to the fact that I know I have purposeful work that I need to do (and due to religious beliefs), I often fantasize about the peacefulness of death and wish for the oblivion of death. I don’t think I can take any more pain or agony, if I’m not going to kill myself or die soon, I’ll have to learn how to become robotical so I can fulfill the work I need to do. But it’s so hard to keep going, I feel like it’s inevitable that I’ll just die from it all soon. I’m hanging on, but just barely, through the imaginative/science coping mechanism I’ve developed. I need to learn how to become robotical, that’s the only way it’s going to work.
I believe I am strong but for 3 years so much in my life has gone wrong which I could and should have avoided. I’ve had suicidal thoughts almost every minute of every waking hour for well over a year. No treatments have helped and I’ve had lots. I see no worthwhile future despite having a lovely family and good income. I can no longer be bothered with anything. Helpless, hopeless and self loathing, it’s all too much. I hate the idea of the distress it will cause my family as well as the financial loss, but I can’t see it will not happen. I no longer feel I have the energy to continue and too much time to ruminate. Not good
David, I feel the same way. I feel your pain. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to keep living this life. I wish I could have a do over. I have made such a mess of my life. I had such hopes and dreams and I have fallen so wide of the mark. I feel like such a fucking failure. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. So broken. So defeated. So worthless. I feel like a shell of the man I once was. I hate my job. My marriage is a mess. I have no friends. It wasn’t always this way, but through my own pathetic choices here I am. God help me.
I feel for you .. Very similar to me except I don’t have the income anymore. I’d hate to have my family go through my loss.. I reall don’t see anything positive anymore.. Sorry to hear about your problems. I’m not going to tell you not to do anything because I may beat you to it. Applied for social security and was denied.. Awaiting retconsideration which should be soon awaiting over two years .. I don’t know if I’ll make it. Don’t know if I really care anymore either. My youngest can receive social security from my death.. My other two are starting to stand on their own daughter close to finishing masters son started college recently but doing very well. Wife is an angel I feel so guilty for having these horrible thoughts but I feel unrepairable broken.. Good luck God bless.. I do believe and have faith that God will forgive knows how troubled we are..
I am 48 and have fought depression for nearly 40 years. I’m tired now and can’t fight any more. I have decided to just go with it this time, however long it takes. I’ll either get better or worse. Right now I don’t care either way.
I have been battling depression for a long time. I’m 23, I think about suicide at least once a day. I’ve cut before as well. I put so much pressure on myself, more then I can handle. I was raped at 21 and that’s when it got really bad , I sought out help a year later and have been in talk therapy with EMDR and taking anti depressants, but barley noticed a changed. My boyfriend is Also deployed now. I hate myself, my body, despite being skinny and healthy, I hate that I lash out at the ones I love , I just can’t seem to do it anymore. I think all the time what’s the point . I’m also in graduate school and working and trying to survive each day is a fight . I don’t know what to do any more, I think of one option and that’s giving up. As years go on, I want to just be done, I feel no point in living when I’m in so much pain each day. Anyone who can help me, I would appreciate it
Wish I could say something positive I feel the same.. My daughter tells me minute by minute baby steps.. God bless
Close:
I feel you! The worst part for my is lashing out at my nearest and dearest and then wallowing in a pool of my own self-loathing. Hot Yoga really works for me (most of the time) if you can just get yourself to that first class and it took me about 3 years of hearing that before I did.
Hi Natasha, It’s really never ending fight which we have to go through…since last 17 yrs my fight is on with it…i had never gave up although many times i felt i almost gave up….all i regret is i paid heavy price to my professional growth…today my colleagues are far far ahead although we studied same engineering…I feel very inferior from others when i compare myself in terms of achievement…natasha what you have to say on this??? :(
I considered calling a suicide hotline tonight. I was afraid though, that they would trace my call or something and send emergency services. I want to tell my mom I feel like dying. I don’t want to go back to the hospital though. There I am unable to get all of the ridiculously varying treatments and medications, etc. that I need. Also have an appointment with a GI on Tuesday, what’s the point of going to a hospital to stay alive if it men’s I just compound my physical suffering and delay any chance of improvement. As God-awful as my physical health is, and as much debilitating chronic pain as I have, none of it compares to how completely broken I am and how it makes me want to kill myself, 99.999% of the time. I tried, for the first time in my 24 years on this planet, to kill myself last fall when I thought my boyfriend and I were over. Turned out we weren’t and I survived, was delighted that I lived to have more time with him, and then he dumped me for his psycho-B$&@$ ex girlfriend. Ever since my life has been one hell after another. I don’t know how much longer I can fight, and honestly, though I don’t want to hurt my family, it isn’t even then I care about enough to fight. The only thing keeping me going is my cat. I rescued him from a shelter and he was so broken hearted and beyond a will to live because of his past family abandoning him that he very nearly died. He came back from the edge for me though, and it just seems like the cruelest way to repay him would be to have his person abandon him again. He didn’t stay alive just so I could royally F him over and completely destroy him. I know how it feels all too well, so I stay for him, because he deserves to never be abandoned and never feel unloved or like he doesn’t matter. I just don’t know how much longer my desire to not hurt him can outweigh my desire to not exist. I wish, almost daily that I had succeeded last fall, then I wouldn’t have to struggle with such an awful decision again, or all of the pain that has followed me ever since I failed to die. It never would have happened and I wouldn’t hve to del with this decision or the guilt I feel for wanting so badly to die. I don’t believe in God, but I have prayed to God and everyone I cn think of to either make me okay or to let me just fall asleep and never wake up. Never have to fight or cry or be in such soul wrenching, agonizing, hell. I believe the only hell that exists is the hell I have resided in for 20 of 24 years. I just wish I could go to sleep and die in my sleep, in the middle of a heavenly dream. And have that be my eternity as far as my consciousness is concerned. Even a completely not in my body coma would be preferable, honestly.
I’m 25 years old, and have dealt with depression for years. Lately it has gotten worse. I’ve had insomnia for 7 years, but lately I am actually sleeping more. But I am more tired than ever. Tired from walking around all day acting like I’m OK. When I finally get by myself, I just sink into my depression. I sit down and can’t get up, until I have to force myself to go to work. Sometimes I go for 2-3 days without eating because I can’t make myself get up to grab something. I watch movies so that there is noise, but most of the time I have no idea what I just watched. I have to force myself to do laundry once a week so that I have clean clothes. Sometimes I don’t tho. Sometimes I can’t even make myself wash clothes, or clean up the house. My wife left me a year ago, and took my daughter. It’s my fault she left. I have never been able to connect with people for real. I’m good at making them feel like we have a connection, faking it, but that only lasts so long, before they realize that they don’t really know you. I cheated on my wife, I don’t even know why. I don’t feel emotions like a normal person. Usually I just channel everything into anger. Now I just go back and forth between rage and depression. I recently tried to get help, but had two wait two months for an appointment. In the meantime I was drinking heavily, trying just to be numb. I ended up getting a DUI, so now I’m losing my job. I found out after that I had gotten another girl pregnant. I’m just tired of the pain. Tired of fighting it. Tired of pretending I’m OK. My therapist isn’t helping. We haven’t even talked about the guilt I have from my time in the military. How people are dead because of me. Everyday, every time I am alone, I think about ending my life. I have life insurance. So I could end my pain, end this fight, this exhaustion, and make sure my kids are taken care of at the same time. It sounds so nice. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of being strong. I’m tired of holding on. I’m not gaining millimeters. I’m struggling just to hold my ground. And I don’t want to anymore.
I’m 19 years old, I’ve lived with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve never seeked help, I just lived with it. I thought about suicide many times but I knew I was stronger than that. So I managed to live 19 years, but now it just seems to get more and more unbearable. I don’t go to school, I have no real job. I’m how everyone says a waste. Everyone had high hopes for me and I’ve let them down. And it just seems like no one understands. Maybe I am lazy and should try harder. I’m just rambling now. Sorry.
Lost girl don’t be sorry for what you are feeling it only shows that you are human. I’m 30 and Im still trying to figure my life out. We are all lost once in our life. Try to find something positive to stimulate a positive reaction like a walk along a lake side or paint a picture or go out of your way to do something nice for a stranger( holding a door open) sometimes spotinatiny can lead to some cool feelings and meeting new people. Hopefully nice people.
Im 25 years old, ive been suffering from depression for years now. I even used to have thoughts of suicide, and almost attempted it, once. Growing up, ive lost a mother to heart disease, and a brother to suicide. Ive never had many friends, and i was always the social outcast in high school, everybody seen me as a weirdo and a freak. I started smoking weed in college, mostly to deal with my anxiety, depression, and constant stress of having to both work and study for exams, after a while, i fell too far behind, got placed under academic probation, which disqualified me from receiving financial aid, so i just gave up on college, and dropped out that i could work full time. So after years of moving from job to job, i finally received a good paying job as a courier for fed ex. Everything was going great for me, until i got arrested for a completely bullshit, DUI charge because i had a little bit of weed in my car. As a result, my license will be suspended and i will lose my job as a result. This, on top of being in debt by a couple grand is starting to push me over the edge. I feel like im never gonna amount to anything in life, and i feel like a total loser and a disgrace to my family. So lately, ive been contemplating suicide again, i feel like whats the point of living when im constantly being pushed down by society? What the hell is my purpose on this awful planet? I feel like i might as well kill myself at this point.
Today is my birthday and I’m trying so hard to enjoy it and just do things at home and chill, but today doesn’t feel any special and I always used to do something on my birthday. This year I have put an enormous amount of responsibility on myself, trying to ground myself and stop myself from running away from things that are too hard, in order to solve my other issues. I have not gone to the doctor for depression, although I know I prob have it because I do cry for no reason. Even my guy friends think I’m bipolar, who knows. I know even the most creative people get depression so it’s not uncommon. I don’t feel so alone. But when I do something that makes me love life again and not be so hard on myself. I don’t know when I’m happy or sad I can’t control it, but when you break it down like “if I’d killed myself x years ago, I wouldn’t have…” It then reaches into my soul and tells me that I’m doing ok
Thank you for your blog, it gave me strength today, strength that I really needed, I think you are extremely strong and brave to write about your experiences and help others. I was diagnosed with depression 6 years ago when I was 15 and have now recently been diagnosed with bipolar and it is very overwhelming some days. Today was one of those days that I felt like not fighting anymore, so thank you for helping me with my milimetres
Why do I feel it does not matter. I look to the future and I wonder if I.want to keep going considering I’m bipolar and that it won’t ever go away…
Now it’s back I don’t get it?
My comment is gone don’t understand except that I’m unimportant or what I had to say was?
I totally got the comment about being a coward and besides that I try to think about my children. I have PTSD because my mother was murdered when I was six. My baby boys father and step mother fractured his skull bruising and bleeding of the brain at eleven months old still he has to go with these people. The judge then actually gave him primary custody because I’ve moved to much and did not get written permission from his father to put him into the expensive private Christian school that I put him in. Now these people force my son to say I abuse him, my son tells me this. CYS is always trying to investigate me because there are always multiple calls on me but if my son tells them anything about his father and step mother who are his indicated child abusers they don’t believe it and tell his father, then he gets in big trouble. I have come to hate my life because his friends and family stalk me and CYS harasses me even though they have came to my home and seen my children and that the alligations are not true. Non of it was true but they still come. I can’t take it I have tried to end my life but I am to scared to die so I can’t help think if I just had the courage! I’ve come close to that piece that death could bring.
I have always been afraid to follow through on my feelings of taking my life. Ive considered it, well i am pretty sure my whole life, but thought if I did it would kill my mother and my Daddy…My mama died 7/14/10 so.she.is.in Heaven and I lost my brother and two sisters from my mama after she died, idk why but my favorite sister dropped me like a hat and further devastated me!
I have been married 4 times (last two to the same man) however when i tell my story i think you all will understand why I WANT TO DIE AND GOD HELP ME IF I LOSE ETERNITY B/C ONE DAY I JUST DO IT! Okay so here’s my pathetic life story…
I was molested by my half brother, who is now a registered offender. My first attempt was with a 38 snubnose…russian roullette but i chickened out bc of reason above. Lost my virginity at 14 seeking love and acceptance, i guess. I was promiscuous, to say the least but then my heart was shattered by the idiot 20-21 yrs. old who took my virginity but he was slipping off with my BF and got her pregnant, then broke up with me to marry her. I was hyterical! Then i went thru boys & men like poop thru a goose, married at 19, 21, 26 & 41, after all divorces went back to my ways bc that seemed to help me feel like i had control of my life! After my 2nd marriage ended I got pregnant…imagine my fear then, when she was around 6 months i met my 3-4 husband, who infected me with HIV, I also had Clamedia (cureable) and genital herpes. I am 44 now, daughter 20. Husband (the ass) is an alcoholic bad and is verbally domineering & abusive!!! Bit it was him or nobody, the latter being my decision…he is a hard worker and good provider but his drinking makes me want to die or kill him! After a particularly bad argument snapped…he screamed at me asking WTF is wrong with you (COULDVE RESPONDED…’YOU’, LOL) BUT ALAS…NOOOO! I have lived in fear of people knowing I have HIV and the stigma that is attached to it! I am morbidly obese and disabled now but after that fight he took me the doctor who after hearing what happened i was diagnosed with BiPoLaR Disorder. Been one hell of a life and I hate it so much. I want to go to sleep and wake to be in heaven with my mom and family but that isnt my decision to make…it is Gods! Im sad all the time. I never lied about my being a bit of a sex fien but my daughter pretty much called me a whore the other day and my so-called life really sux hairy sweaty balls! Okay well then, i am.now laughong my hiney off…sometimes being bipolar is great…cause we can say that kinda shit and laugh hysterically! Guess im over suicide once again for a bit…thanks for listening?!!?!?!?? BaHaHaHa
Excellent. Thank you for your excellent response. That millimetre matters.
If I don’t do it now and nothing happens, then what?
I read several of the comments, and most sound as if I wrote them myself. I used to know why I stay, I never wanted to disappoint my family and community. For years I worked as an appointed county official. For the most part, I hid my illness well. I learned how to snap into acting/being (kind of) normal, just shy etc. It ate at the very fiber of my being however. I ask my Dr. once what did he think would be the thing that removed the threshold that held me in this world. He said he had no idea. I have prayed for days for God to bring me home. Begged him to please exchange me for a beloved mother that was dying, but wanted to live. I have had the desire to go home for as long as I can remember. At 4 or 5 years old I can remember holding my breath, in an attempt to die. When I finally realized that wouldn’t going to work, I would take pills. My ears rang horribly for days after downing a bottle of aspirins once. I would sleep for days from taking a handful of mothers antidepressants as a teenager.
I no longer know for sure why I stay. But, I have a grandson that I adore. He is 16 now. He lived with me most of his life. I suppose right now I stay for him. Although he would understand, (he has witnessed the pain, mentally and physically I live with) he would still be sad. I plan on staying until he is through HS. If I continue feeling like I do now when he graduates in 2016, I don’t see any other way but to sit him down and tell him, “this world is simply too harsh for me to live in”.
I send blessing to all of you that suffer, mostly in silence.
I know that for some reason it matters, and most of the time i can accept that i’m here to interact and learn and help others learn what they need from this life. But some days i too, selfishly want to be done with it. To go back to where i’m not like this and possibly to start over again with a new body, one that isn’t broken and hurt and barely functional.
I stay here because someone took the time to put me here and there must be some reason for me to be here.
I’m learning how to see the good in things i could only see pain in from a new friend. Some days i can even see why i might be here. So i stay.
I seriously feel your pain… it feels like i was reading something i wrote. i won’t be elaborate or spin words… just saying i understand if you ever care to tak..if im alive then..but i’m never quite 100% sure about that factor
I don’t know if I have depression. In my teens, I did. Each day was a chore, and a battle, and I even attempted suicide on the eve of my 15th birthday. I thought I was past that time in my life.
Something changed, and I was able to function. I moved out at 18, started working, and started dating. I even moved to a new part of the country. Then it happened.
I am a homosexual male, and I was raised in a strict, success-only, Christian home. When I was 21, I met someone that I thought I could trust. Needless to say, I was wrong. He forced himself on me, and I went along with it, so it wouldn’t physically hurt. However, inside I was screaming. I broke down and called my parents. I had no money, and I wanted/needed the safety of home. Fast forward a few months, and I find out I have those 3 letters that everyone dreads. My STD test for HIV comes back positive.
My world shattered. Picture all of your hopes and dreams as a large stain-glass window that has suddenly shattered into sand-sized pieces. You fall to your knees trying to put it back together, but you realize you can’t. You start existing. Days blend into one another, and you have to plan your day based on how much energy you think you have. Mentally compare it to having only 1 tank of gas to get you through the day, and you can’t refill that tank until the next day. For 9 years, I have lived this every day.
Today, I am 30 years old. I feel like a complete failure, yet I am powerless to do anything about it. There are days when I describe myself as a “dead man walking.” It takes every ounce of energy I can muster to put one foot in front of the other. I thought it was a side effect of my condition or the medication, but now I wonder if I’ve been depressed all along, and I just learned to cope with it enough to exist?
I have thought it strange that I look completely healthy on paper, yet I often just lay in bed without any energy whatsoever. Why am I having to plan my day on 1 tank of gas when my illness is controlled (thankfully). It didn’t make sense. Depression, however, makes sense.
Whenever I think about it, I think death would be a sweet release. But I don’t want to hurt those that I love, so suicide is not an option.
Then I have times when I laugh, and I get excited. I love, and I am loved in return. I feel at peace. Even during the dark times, I still feel at peace. So I wonder if it is depression.
Guys,
I am so fucking tired. I have tried since I was 12 years old to overturn the deep, deep feelings of loneliness, but I can’t. It doesn’t matter who I meet, what I accomplish, or where I go… I cannot escape myself. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I think of ending it all everyday. I try to get better. To help people… But just as soon as I get an inch I fall a mile. I’ve tried everything without turning to meds.
I am so tired of working so hard to seem normal, only to always feel crazy. What am I suppose to do? Honestly, how am I suppose to have healthy relationships… Joy… Peace… If I can’t escape this emptiness.
I have tried so hard to forgive my abusive parents, my evil sister, my molester… I just can’t escape. If suicide was easier, I would have done it long again… When I died on the inside.
Please say something. I need someone to care about my heartbreak.
Hi Anonymous,
This may be stating the obviously, but why haven’t you gotten professional help? It sounds like you could use it.
– Natasha Tracy
I know this is an older post but I just recently subscribed to your blog. I am in a place where I needed to hear this. It is so hard some days to keep going, sometimes it’s a minute by minute fight. My daughter helps me, I want to be here for her. Thanks for your blog and for letting me know I’m not alone.
I too suffer with depression Iam told I AM BIPOLAR for years no medication has really helped me many timesigguilg ailike ending it all but you see my kids and iwent thru hell . my exhusband killed himself i stil have k
I feel like that, a never ending battle and I don’t know if it’s depression, my hi-polar or what, but I know I hate when my family says its my mental illness or my bi-polar. I hate right now and I am usually so optimistic . I am the one that never crumbles even if the sky is falling but this is so hard right now and nothing seems to help. I feel like no one truly understands me and its so unfair when others say they want to hug never take their precious time to. I wish god would just take it all away right now. All this pain. I do t like feeling like this. These comments have helped me, I just needed I get this out. Thank you.
I loved a girl. She didn’t love me. Doesn’t matter, yes. Previous emotional instability, yes. Mental imbalance, yes. Then ten years of depression. Ten. Years. I thought I’d never be free. I was wrong.
One day you may wake up and grow beyond it. One day you may wake up, despite your negative expectations, and find that the world is a better place than you thought; that you have a new understanding in life; that you can don’t have to fear an unreasonably negative mindset and you can awaken to a better life than you ever expected.
I hope anyone who reads this can experience the same. Good luck.
Hi.I’m G.
Thank you for your article as I too suffer from manic-depression.
In dec 2010, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, thought the latest I kept to myself.in always terrified that someone who loves me will call 911 on me, out of worry.I understand their action.They care.I had been on lamotrigine & Seriquel combination for years, enabled me to get clean of of drugs & alcohol, have a fulfilling full time( a bit too full) job, and feeling “normal” something id never experiences since my first life memories of 2-3 yrs old.
Dr. Prescribed imiprimine, an old tricyclic antudepressant that worked well for me in the early 80s to early 90s.When in hospital I was put on SSRI Paxil and with 72 hours I was the life of the party, amazed at hoemwcwell this drug worked…it is then that I was diagnosed with mania.Back then, lithium was the drug of choice to deal with mood swings, fron extreme manias to extreme depression.I despised being on lithium.I often stopped taking it to ” feel”.
I attempted suicide 3 times, pumped stomach, last tentative was successful as in my heart stopped, I was reanimated, abd put on life support for 3 days.
Back to today.The symptoms yoyve described are ALL to familiar to me.so imiprimine in November 2010 for 2 days and pow up flying, bigger than life mixed with episodes od severe anxiety, paranoia,social anxiety, and depression.I’m a rapid cycle type.It’s probably why it’s sometime difficult for friends and loved ones to notice.on November 23rd, after a spiralling crash into hell I was admitted on a form #1( a psychiatric evacuation of 72 hours, against your will) into hospital.Ny moods were shifting so extremely 2-3 times in an hour was a regular thing fir me, I was taken of Lamictal & Seroquel and put on 5mg Haldol 3x a day, Ativan for the anxiety,Clonazepam and chlorpromazine at night to sleep.I was rediagnozed as schizophrenic.
For 3 weeks, I have no memory.I was told what happened by family and friends; that I was completely gone, drooling on myself, unable to carry a conversation or verbalized my thoughts, I was a complete mess, in the hands of a dr who did not care but to shut me up.
After an overdose in hospital due to being overmedicated, I signed myself AMA the following day of having my stomach pumped.
2 days later, I admitted myself to another hospital, distinctional and losing it.
I was detoxed completely but fir a small dose of Seriquel slow acting and .5 mg Ativan 2z a day PRN.
I was bouncing off the walks, aggressive, irritable, as high as ive ever been.After a week, I’d been slowly reintroduced to my Lamictal .The psychiatrist I have since then believes in “patience” when it comes to adjusting drugs.To a manic person patience isca foreign word, yesterday is what you want.
But I began to slowly get better.It was a brilliant psych facility.Had my own bedroom, a wall of glass to the beautiful outdoor view promoting light and calm.
I spent 38 days there, until both my dr and I decided I was ready to go home. Because I couldn’t yet work, I had to move, slowly stressed triggers cycling and medications were added, to try stabilizing me.
I’ve been at this state for the past 18 months, with periods of extreme mania/depression and all it entails, to suicidal.I have found(finally) a bright, beautiful, peaceful apartment, surrounded by a calm residential neighborhood.It dies help to have my own little haven.
But since leaving the hospital end of January 2011, I have never recovered to the point of successful life I had before.For the past 3 months, there’s not a day goes by where I don’t sit contemplating suicide, plan in mund that would be successful, thinking that my 29 yr old daughter, my cat, a few of my friends who understand me…
I’ve managed to convince myself that although horribly painful K would survive.In the back of her mind she has lived for years watching her unstable miserable mother suffer so much.
I know it’s time for hospitalization.I went to my DES office clothes in a bag to be admitted.Somehow, I was not told he had taken the day off.I’m crying writing this cause it’s so painful.The psy on call did not bother to see me.Said go home or go to ER.Had she bothered to open my files, she would have seen in red ink my dr note ordering admission if I came to hospital.
My meds were again changed around.
I’m suffering every single day from the moment I wake after 3-4 hours of distrupted sleep, oe after 15 hr sleep depressed, anxious, isolating.I’ve lost all desire to eat, to be around people, read or do any activities at alk.I drive to dr appp, groceries when it’s a must, to get cigarettes and catfood.
Otherwise my life is nothing but a life it living within a prison of my own disease.I despise who I am, I’m getting worse rather than better, I’ve list hope that I ever again will have the 5 years where I’ve ever felt “alive”
Suicide to me is like dreaming of a trip south for some, exept it’s a one way trip.I give up.If it were not for George, my 10 months old kitten and K, my daughter, I would have checked out a while ago.It angers ne that to avoid my daughter pain, I must in turn suffer everyday tonthe point where all I see is my suicide, my release, my cue
Your comment touched me so much. I feel like..I could b you. I have not gone through so much psychiatric evaluations but Lord knows I should. My family and close friends do not understand. Most often they tell me to go kill myself already cause they just don’t want to hear it..I am 27 I am not a child or teenager surrounded by adolecents..grown adults tell me these things. Including my mom. The love of my life recently left be cause..I was stuck in thus stump..2 months after dumping me..after 2 yrs together..he is already married. I can’t help but to think I am..a nobody. I am very smart but all I do is go in circles inside my head about allthats happened in the past or fantasizing about it all happening differently. I too only stay on the earth for my pets. I can never seem to find wrk, when I do..I get too bored or anxious to continue attending. I feel like everyone looks at me and knows..that girl is messed up inside and is a looser in life. I have never finished or accomplished anything of any importance. Except for the 3 years I was on Effixor..I have never felt normal. How normal is it to b medicated everyday though? I never really felt like myself..I always knew inside..u have to take pills to b normal and fit in.
I cried after I read ur post.
My biggest fear is to b admitted into the hospital, my mom has been threatening to commit me fir years. I know she can’t. But I also know she would still try and lie to get me away.
I don’t understand.
I give my all to people and just can’t..CAN’T..seem to put myself first. It’s easier to work on other people than figure out myself..I am a mess inside and it hurts me to know that about myself. I don’t know what to do, where to start, how to feel. I just am so lost inside.
Idk if I am bipolar or depressed or have anxiety.
I have been treated for all 3 over the past 6 years.
I have amazingly happy days..but they r few and far between. All I ever do is walk the dog, shower, eat, sleep..sometimes read, try to meditate(focusing and not thinking of my life & what to do with myself always creep in ruining mediation time)..I hardly leave the comfort of my apt building or the 3 blocks surrounding it.
I feel I am falling deeper and deeper into despair and nothingness. I have no family support of any kind, no children to call my own and focus my energies on, the love of my life left me cause of my mental issues and is newly married to a very stable girl, I rent a room in a small place, I have no degree, no job, no money or material possessions worth any value, I have no motivation. I have no idea where to start. Even people saying..go for a walk is too much for me..all I am ever doing us ruining about how I have no one and have no idea what to do.
G..ur story made me cry. I saw myself in it in so many ways. I wonder if u made it through..and how u r doing today.. You are very lucky to have a daughter. I would give anything to have a family of my own. I am far too..unstable though..how can u raise a child with a negative unsure mind and no career direction or motivation. Cherish ur daughter, no matter how bad I think of myself, I know that if I had a child..he or she would b my world and I’d have something to actually live for. I hope u have made it..and r making it further everyday. Thank you for your story.
I’m 22 years old and I fight suicide about every few days. I have bipolar and PTSD. I’m pretty and smart with a degree from a top college. But I’m depressed all the time. I hate myself. I know that I have to keep fighting, but I feel like I’m in constant pain. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. My family was embarrased when I got tested and was put in a hospital overnight because I didn’t feel safe alone. I worry I might go over the edge someday :( this article did give me inspiration, it is nice to know that there are people out there fighting the same disease or similar. It’s horrible but you have to deal with your stack of cards.
It isn’t worth the fight. Begging people to understand. Crying for help when there is none.
Right now I’m asking myself the question of whether I wanna fight anymore, thanks for the post it gives me a little hope
I like this article. I’m often depressed and I totally feel like I’m fighting to gain that millimeter when I need a mile. And I’m fighting it totally alone. I’m severely introverted. I had a best friend, who I married. But she turned out to be a lesbian and left me for a woman. I’m a straight male but my mind gender probably leans about 60% female and 40% male. I often wish I was female instead of male. It all makes sense why my wife left me, why settle for me when she can have the real thing (a real lesbian).
So it all feels totally hopeless for me. I’m sure I would be a shrink’s dream patient but I doubt I could ever afford the cost of therapy. As an introvert I struggle to make ends meet. I do it, but its a constant struggle.
Is it worth it to carry on? I don’t know but I do it. I rely on exercise 6 times a week to soldier on since it releases endorphins to get a natural high (fighting off depression). That’s not even the reason I started exercising. I started exercising with the thought I better get in shape to ever have a chance of dating again. I haven’t even tried dating again, and its been years, but I stuck with my exercise routine to battle my depression.
But I constantly play the “is it worth it, well if I wouldn’t have fought on, I wouldn’t have got to experience this and this” game. Lately all I’ve been filling the blanks in with is seeing my favorite team win a championship, hearing a favorite song or watching a favorite tv show. Sometimes my work takes me on trips to cities I’ve never been to before so I get to experience new parts of the world, which I do like.
Is it enough to keep turning the pages in our own individual book? Sometimes it feels like it us, often it feels like it’s not. But I constantly tell myself that if I can find myself a tiny nugget that makes me happy, or at least not so depressed, for an hour a day, maybe even a half hour a day, out of those 24 hours, then it’s worth it to go on.
It seems like a lot of work and effort just to get that daily millimeter, and repeat the process daily.
But that millimeter is just enough to keep me going.
I constantly wish I could get that mile, though.
Sometimes, like now, I just want so bad to be done… My depression, Bi-polar, Anxiety and PTSD just get the best of me and I am so exhausted mentally and emotionally (not to mention physically) that I just don’t want to go on. The only reason I hang on is because I know what it would do to my best friend and some of my family. Even then sometimes I’m pretty sure they would all be better off without me though… I feel like all I do is drag them down cause they know how hard of a time I’m having and I end up feeling sooooo guilty when I am honest about how bad I want to end it all. I really wish it was ok to just disappear into thin air. I can’t tell you how many times I wished that I never existed so that I wouldn’t have to kill myself and hurt those around me. It actually scares me when I get this low because I really don’t want to hurt anyone by ending my life, but I have a hard time seeing any other option. I HATE living like this and feel like it is pointless to try and beat it again, just for it to attack again in a few months or even weeks. It’s not fair for them to ask us to keep fighting when they have no idea what it’s like to live in our heads. They say we are selfish for wanting to die, but do they have any idea how selfish they are being to ask us to keep fighting so we don’t leave them??? At times like this it is so hard to care about anything enough to muster up the will to keep fighting!
Today is Friday afternoon, and I heard someone say “looking forward to the weekend.” So with that bit of inspiration I searched the following on Google: “Looking forward to the weekend? No i want to fucking kill myself” in a 1/2 serious and the other 1/2 morbid amusement. I have trouble with mild depression – enough to be weighty and painful, although I can still function with my normal duties.
But this page came up one first page of Google hits. So thanks for your encouragement to carry on and hope for better days. I haven’t made concrete plans to eliminate myself, but the thought of ending the madness seems – at times – appealing. But the family collateral damage would be huge and long-lasting.
My doc suggested I could treat this with exercise, and I have seen a correlation between a lack of physical activity and feelings of depression. So the message could be, if you are with someone who could use exercise to help change their brain chemistry, be a light in their lives and and offer to go with them.
I feel like my depression has gotten the most of me. I’m in school attending 4 courses but its a daily war with myself. I cry every morning I get up from bed (on the days that I so have school) and when I don’t, I just sleep in until the evening unless my boyfriend comes and picks me up. See, as I struggle everyone I love falls down with me. My boyfriend had recently got a new job and it would’ve been an opportunity for him to start his career. But because of my outbursts, this will never happen. What have I done good in spite of my depression is nothing but make me feel guilty. At times I want to hit my head until I bleed internally and end it all, at times I want to hang myself. I just feel so hopeless and sick. Sick of wishing I’d rather be the person standing in front of me right now. Sick of seeing my life go down and have everyone else’s go down with m. And sick of knowing that everytime I do win the battle, it’s only temporary., and I’m back to hell on earth
Hi Dee,
I understand where you are. Many people have been where you are. You are not alone in what you’re feeling.
Maybe it would be a good time for you to reduce your course load or stop school alrogether and get a handle on your illness. Many people need a break and find it’s just what they need to get back on their feet.
And try not to feel guilty. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to remember that we all do the best we can at the moment we can. Hopefully tomorrow you will do better. Hopefully tomorrow the illness will be better.
It won’t always be like this. Believe me.
– Natasha Tracy
I feel like I just screw things up no matter how hard I try to live as right as I can. But I always find a way to make it bad by loosing my cool and screaming. I have never hit a loved one but the people who I love suffer my harsh angry words when I loose it. This causes them to want to leave and then when I am alone all I think about is ending it all and stopping the cycle. What can I do to get my family back and stop my horrible anger and the thoughts I feel when in this painful situation?
Here’s a great book that will make you laugh as it gives you a thousand useful tips and insights into improving your frame of mind. It’s no bull honesty and a really different way to look at life and life’s obstacles. http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Failure-Without-Losing-ebook/dp/B004VS7780/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1352901330&sr=1-1&keywords=dexter+vandango
I feel that this world is a shit whole. It wouldn’t be if there weren’t any people to make it shit. People with their judgments, spoken or unspoken. Their rules, one sided shitty ass government controlling our every move, enslaving us with a piece of paper they call money. Raping us because we’re different and they want us to be “normal.” I crave the day mother nature destroys humanity. Maybe in the next life I’ll get to “live.” Maybe I’ll be “normal.” At least hopefully be given a fighting chance. No, I’m not about to kill myself, though I would love to, but people have made it abundantly clear about the pain that my suicide would cause them. I am a soul sacrifice and am forced to remain here for the happiness of others. Yeah, I may be wining a bit, but I’m sick and tired of the bullshit and want nothing more than to unload the chamber into my head. Sometimes staying here for other peoples happiness isn’t enough. It’s a good thing I have a dog that needs me or I think I would unload right now.. But you see, I’m not only fighting depression. I’m fighting this world I was born almost alone in. I say almost because I have met someone just Iike myself so I know there is a possibility there is marybe someone else like me here.. I am, what they call FTM. Meaning I was born in a female’s body, but everything else is male. Yes, I know there are lots others physically like myself, but mentally not so much.. Plus I’m not gay so that kinda outcasts me from that “community” and the rest of the world just sees me as a freak they need to beat and rape the “crazy” out of me.. The one person I’ve found in this world that was like me became my best friend. For some reason life isn’t as hard when you’re not alone, but that was stripped away when he was killed a year and a half ago. I guess I should also mention that my dad also killed himself when I was 6. I guess he realized how fucked up his kid was. Sick joke. I don’t give a fuck. This world is a prison and I pray to god that he lets me leave this place soon. There has to be something better than this.
Goodluck fucknuts! I’m out! Time to see what 3 months o ambien stockpiling a 2L of vodca can give me the rest I so crave…I so desperately beg for…beg..for.with not one person..holding my hand, when they spew forth the SHIT that is lifes little happ things. I salute you all…let my breath and popping thud, only be a little sound in the wind…enough so as not to even warant a thought to… Adoo.
Hi Anre,
I’m sorry to hear you are having such a rough time right now. It sounds like you’re really desperate. Many of us have been where you are. Many of us have had the pills in our hand. Many of us have been 100% ready to say goodbye.
But believe me when I tell you, that time passes.
I know it feels like it has gone on forever and maybe it feels like it always will go on forever, but it won’t. This disease is a moving target and things will change for you.
I can only hope that you reach out. You need to call an emergency helpline. If you don’t know what yours is, just Google your country and helpline or visit Befrienders (linked here: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/ )
I know you might feel like you’re not worth a though, but this isn’t true. I’m thinking about you know and I’m hoping that you get the help that you need.
– Natasha Tracy
I have been suffering from depression and schizophrenia since 2009. The depression just wont go away. I feel assisted suicide is the only option for me. The main frustration I have is that I am not rich enough to do everything I want to do. I want to travel the world and go to space. You will see me mentioned along with my address here http://www.keshefoundation.org/en/introduction/warning/160-kumaran-keshe-scammer-en . I called this guy a fraud because since 2009 he promised to show his flying saucer and when the time comes he postpones it. I got frustrated with him so I keep calling him a scam. I feel life is just not worth it . I dont know what is real or not. It is so hard living in this world. I want to die.
Hi Kumaran,
Are you getting treatment? Have you tried a second opinion? What kind of help have you been getting? Are there other things for you to try?
I can understand the desire to die – I really can – but believe me when I tell you that there are other options out there. I know 3 years seems like a long time – and it is – but it can take years for people to find treatment that works for them.
It is _not_ time for assisted suicide, it’s time for a second opinion and a change in treatment. Many out there have suffered like you have but they have come through it and you can too. I know that might seem impossible, but it isn’t. We stand with you. And people want to help you. You just maybe need to find someone new.
– Natasha Tracy
Aaaaargh! I wish in the past 12 years I had learned everything you have. Instead, in the past 12 years, I haven’t changed at all. So how do *I* go on for the next 40+ years of my prison sentence called life?
Hi Dave,
I’m sorry if you feel you haven’t changed in 12 years, but I find it hard to believe.
However, nevertheless, even if that is the case, it doesn’t mean it always has to be that way. You have choices to make. You have every single day to change that fact. Try something new today.
My friend, who I think was mildly depress, commented on staying in the house a lot and said something to the effect of, well, I know what happens if I sit on my couch all day – nothing – but if I go out then something good _might_ happen. And so it was worth taking that chance given the certainty of the alternative.
What I’m saying is that I had to make those thing happen for me and you have to make things happen for you too. Maybe start with a support group. That is something attainable that people often get great benefit from. Maybe go to the library and check out a book. Maybe try online dating.
My point is, there are many things that can change the next 12 years, so don’t give up – try something new.
– Natasha Tracy
Yeah, I agree full swing that it isn’t easy to fight because the bipolar experiences things that somehow require more initiative, more effort, more pain. For all the years that I have been experiencing diverse forms of mental instabilities, most of the time I would be caught in a sort of tangle between life and death, and all particulars in between. I have been suicidal since I was 9 or 10 years old; and given my very own observations that make me think about not being that well adept at “making things right” (which, until now, I could not let go of because I always make really, really grave mistakes in my work and relationships with people), I always find myself whimsical, abnormal, imperfect, incapable, resolutely ambiguous, entirely incompetent. True, I still am suicidal:–I would think about hurting myself and, eventually, self-annihilation for almost every single day I live. If not every minute of my existence. Most of the time I don’t find myself worth living for anything or everything–and I do think that I can’t turn my situation 180 degrees despite my striving so hard, the entirety of my energies have been drained.
People think I am fine, but mostly I am not. They always have this impression that I could do everything and be great in most things (not to mention that of being creative) but little do they know that I suffer a great big deal. What of rapid, shifting thoughts and moods that are indeed impossible to bear! And I have to teach 300 students per week!! Each and every day I live with the trepidation of eventually doing self harm until I end up delving into the extremes, like pushing through with suicide. Most of the time when I would have the breakdowns, I could neither think or react inasmuch as I do not have anything to proffer but passivity. These days are even more crucial: I have had two major breakdowns and I currently experience “precursors” to breakdowns everyday. I do not know when they will strike. Nor do I hope that things would be easy to recuperate from. There are times I could not even manage myself to work; I only have to force myself to go to school and spend my time teaching while I engage myself in grad school work (yah, I am bipolar but I am expected to act as though I am NOT SICK so I need to juggle work and school at the same time) because I need to perform obligations which, without, would plunge me into an excruciating recognition that I do not have money to accommodate my needs.
True, I am tired. I want this to end since it seems my fighting will go on for a hundred years. It would be a good thing if I know that I make someone happy or inspired or that I get inspired because of something… I DO NOT! Every time I wake up, there is this sense of bleakness that gets in my nerves as it suffocates me to my core. I don’t do anything right. Well, maybe my existence isn’t THAT RIGHT. And what’s surprising, whenever I think about death–which I tend to do so every minute–it calms me down especially when I feel pressured because it seems that any time within the day, I could slash my wrists or hang myself or overdose with pills and everything could be gotten over with. I would die and I would eventually be at peace. I have even considered buying a plot in a cemetery despite my supposed young age of 28.
So, Ms Natasha, despite the fact that I know where you’re coming from, I still have this reluctance to think “positive” about how I am dealing with my mental illness. Every day is the same and nothing happens even if I hope that things might go well any time soon. Of course, I have accustomed myself to waiting… but then the breakdowns would return and I could not function. I could not even ask for help because no one seems trustworthy enough to be there for me, much less understand my “abstracted” explanations of what I feel every moment.. Yeah, maybe I have lost faith and I want it NOT to be that way but I always have to think for the worse of things. At least, I would not feel as though I have been betrayed as I hurt because of it.
What complicates matters is that I have complex partial seizures… so even my psychiatrist is at a loss whenever I explain things since my bipolar attacks and seizures often appear the same. What happens is that my medication dosages are always increased and I have come to the point I don’t want taking medications anymore.
So, if you’d ask me, I think I am rather uneasy with propositions that pertain to what one might have done if he/she had not committed suicide. For all my 28 years of existence, there is always this extreme depression that haunts me everywhere plus the highs that eventually turn to lows upon a snap of a finger. It’s been difficult to catch up with things now. I just want everything to end.
Hi Reira,
You said quite a lot and I’m not quite sure I understand all of it, but from what I understand you have been suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression for a very long time. I’m sorry to hear you are in that position. Many people have been there and you’re not alone. I can understand if you feel hopeless. I think that would be a normal feeling given your situation. Please understand though, I would suggest there is still hope.
Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)? I ask because it can give you tools to help you cope with what you’re feeling, even if the feelings themselves don’t relent as much as we would like. Dialectical behavior therapy is also available, and of course, standard psychotherapy.
And I’m sure having seizures does compound the problems in ways I don’t fully understand. Some anticonvulsants have antidepressant properties though. Has that been a consideration for you?
I’m not suggesting I have the answer, but I’m suggesting there is one out there. People do get better – even after being unwell for very long periods of time. It’s OK if you don’t believe that, but it’s true.
And remember, even if you’re not conscious of it, your life is touching many others. You just may not know the ways in which it is doing so. I get comments and feedback but most people don’t have that luxury but it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. We always touch people more than we know.
So please, know you’re worth it. Know your life is worth it. You don’t have to have “positive thinking” just a bit of logic to override the negative emotions.
Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for affirming me, although I know I still do have a long way to go on how to convince myself on self-worth or something like that.
I haven’t tried therapy of any sort, but I did suggest to my doctor that perhaps I could avail of one. The thing is, my doctor could not recommend to me “as of the meantime” (if I should quote him) because he supposes that therapy would not work for me inasmuch as my seizures are the ones causing my so-called fits and not the bipolar. He even mentioned that whenever I would have the fit, I should immediately have an EEG while it’s happening so it could confirm whether it’s something stemming forth from the bipolar or from the seizure. I know Ms Natasha that my condition is quite labourious to consider or even deconstruct so that I could know which measures could be done about it so I mainly rely on my doctor. I am usually confused. But now, I am experiencing a certain amount of mistrust about any psychiatric verdict I receive for it seems I am not getting any better. I am only being made to drink medications–with dosages changed, increased every now and then–because “it’s all about the seizures.” Apparently, I always have to be delayed any form of therapy for, supposedly, there ought to be a “right time.”
About my medication, yes, my medicine contains anti-convulsion properties so it should do pretty well. I’ve been given lots of medications in the past but most of those target merely the bipolar or depression and not my convulsions. So it’s always this drug (Lamotrigine) that’s prescribed for me.
Then again, thank you. I guess I need therapy as well and I think I’d be relieved (even for just a bit) if I do.
Like it sounds you are, Reira, I am despondent, as well. But, while I usually don’t comment on other individual’s posts, I feel compelled to do so.
Frankly, I can’t fathom how frustrating it must be to have a seizure disorder “somehow” masking as some form of cycling. (Or whatever it is that you have described.) I will say this and I say it as someone who has totally been through the system (not as some kind of “know it all”). Truly expert psychiatrists are very difficult to find. Your situation sounds incredibly complex. Maybe you could consider a second (or third or fourth) opinion from a psychiatrist at a respected university or college medical program? And, honestly, I think therapy is for EVERYONE. I think (and perhaps this is naive) that therapists are this century’s true healers.
Thanks so much for sharing your inspiration. I am fighting, fought alone for years. I recently met an awesome guy, after ending a 30 year marriage to a man who had no understanding of my illness and often triggered depression with his yelling and put downs. Anyway, I have realized the reason that I click so well with this new guy is that he, too is bipolar. We share the highs and I understand the lows. He is learning to understand too, and resisted my suggestion that he was bipolar at first. I now have the support and love that i have so desperately been seeking, but two bipolar people in the same house makes for some stressful living sometimes. I am glad to have a place to find someone who is also struggling and I can know I am not alone. thanks, again, for sharing.
Hi Jane,
No, you’re definitely not alone and it sounds like you’re not alone in real life either. People can definitely make our mental health better or worse depending on how they act and it sounds like you’ve rid yourself of one problem and gained part of the solution. Good for you. That’s great.
Thanks for dropping by.
– Natasha Tracy
May I suggest a wonderful book called “40 Days of Purpose” which will have you look at your illness in a whole new light. By knowing the reason you were created and put on this earth makes all the difference in what you are suffering from now. This life is not the only life we have and we have a creator God who loves us so much and wants us in heaven with Him someday. Nothing works until you have a person relationship with your creator and savior Jesus Christ. Also, pick up God’s Word and start reading about the imperfect people God used thoughout history – many suffered from mental illness and depression. Find a Bible-based church close to you and attend. I guarantee that your life will change in an amazing way. I very rarely ponder on my illness anymore knowing that God has a terrific plan just for me. It’s about getting the focus off yourself and putting it on our Holy God. After having this illness since 1982 and trying everything to alleviate the pain – I know that a personal relationship with your creator is the only answer.
God bless and good luck with God’s plan for Your Life!
I’m just too tired to fight!
Hi Patricia,
I know what it’s like to be too tired to fight for one more second. Like if you have to do the work to take one more breath you will die. I know what that fatigue is like. I know what it’s like to battle a demon that seems bigger and strong than you every day.
But, the thing is, you are fighting. You can here, you read this, you left a comment – you’re fighting! You’re trying to help Nancy on another thread – you’re fighting! You reached out to me and asked about support groups – you’re fighting! I know it seems like too much, but you’re doing it anyway. Taking that next breath is fighting. And I know you can do that.
I think it’s completely reasonable to feel bone tired from fighting an illness. I think it’s completely realistic. And I know that “fighting” sounds very active. But as I’ve said, the things you’re doing right now are a form of fighting and so is continuing to breath. You are doing the very hard work. Give yourself credit.
So I guess what I’m saying is you’re doing a good job. Just keep breathing. That’s all the fighting you have to do right now and I know you can do that.
– Natasha Tracy
By the way Patricia, you inspired this post: https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/im-tired-fighting-bipolar-disorder/
– Natasha
YOU Matter Natasha…
On occasion ;)
– Natasha
Brilliant inspirational words. Thank you for survivng & living.
Hi Elisa,
Thanks so much.
– Natasha Tracy
Hello there. when i first read this i teared up because i wonder. i wonder if i matter. but i think thats what i needed to hear and from someone who knows how it is. i have had some relief from my lifelong battle with depression in the last couple years but lately it is coming back because im still broken. I live in a house where nobody wants me here because i find i am unable to bond with people unable to be chatty and lively and interesting. unable to laugh and while i am functioning better i am not functioning well enough to maintain and i am wondering if anyone else is struggling with this facet of being bipolar. please enlighten me.
Hi Diana,
Thanks for commenting. I teared up when I wrote it so you’re not alone there.
I think it’s normal to wonder if you matter. I think everyone wonders that at some point or another, but the answer is always the same: yes. Sure, you might not “matter” to your country at large, but you matter to others, no matter whether you can sense this or not.
I don’t know what your living situation is but it seems unlikely that _no_one_ there wants you. Is it possible you’re being a bit negative?
I understand having a hard time bonding. I have a hard time bonding. There are lots of reasons for this, but the illness is one. It’s hard to really bond when you know the others have had such different experiences than you. It’s hard to find the commonality among life experiences. It’s hard to find the commonality between world views. While we are, fundamentally, all the “same” our experiences make us see things differently. But it’s OK to be different. Some people will respond to that difference. You simply may not have met them yet.
Might I suggest that you’re not broken? You’re sick. And there’s a difference. There is _nothing_wrong_ with the real you – it’s just that your brain is being attacked by an illness.
So yes, people absolutely struggle with what you’re struggling with. All I can say is that it won’t always be like this. Try to hang onto that. You got better once – you can do it again.
– Natasha Tracy
I totally disagree.
Nothing you have offered has giving me a reason to fight another 40 years. The only thing keeping me alive is that I’m a bloody coward and won’t kill myself.
I pray every day to either be killed or just not wake up. After all these years, there has not be one thing other than my cowardice that keeps me alive.
Of course the potomists will say “See, cowards are good for something. Let’s all hold hand and be happy.” Fuck that.
Please God give me the courage to kill myself and never have to see the light of day again.
Hi Dale,
I’m sorry you feel that way. I really am. But I do understand it. I have felt that way many times. I have prayed for death many times. I have begged not to wake up many times. I get it. I really do.
All I can tell you is that you touch people. Your life touches people. Your life just touched mine. It touches others too and that touch matters. You matter. You’re not alone on this planet and your life impacts others.
Is that enough to live for? Maybe not. But I also know that things get better when you work at them. You didn’t mention anything about illness or treatment but I can only hope that someone is helping you with these feelings because you can step out of them with work. It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to feel this way. There are people who want to help you. There are people sitting on phone lines right now who are waiting to talk to you.
All I can say is please get help. I can’t promise you will wake up tomorrow and feel any different, but one day, the light will shine, just a little.
Find information on getting help here: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
– Natasha Tracy
Dear Dale your comment really makes me feel how hopeless and angry you are feeling – You are definitely not a coward, in fact you are very courageous. It takes courage to express the way you feel. When we are in the such a dark place and we don’t want to wake up, we can think of the quote “the darker the night the nearer the dawn”, when things seem to be at their worst, that is when things are just about to change for the better. I know you must have so much to share of value with others and things that you are grateful for. You definitely have a purpose to here right now and create something of value for yourself and others. A lot of the time we don’t know what it is, and keep looking outside ourselves, yet the answer is within us all along. There is something I expressed on the blog to Tommy which may be helpful. I find gratitude changes attitude and makes me feel a whole lot better and gives me hope when I am having a bleak time
Good blog Tracey. If had killed myself 10 yrs ago (when I was close to doing it with several half hearted attempts) I wouldn’t have a daughter that is turning 1 year old in a couple weeks.
Hi Kevin,
(It’s Natasha.)
That’s one of the best reasons I’ve ever heard. I’ve heard that looking into the eyes of your own child is one of the most amazing experiences in the world and I’m sure you would have hated to have missed that.
– Natasha Tracy
Sorry about the name…realized that after I submitted. Was doing on my mobile and hard to go back and forth to see all the info.
Yes, now I know what all those parents have talked about. Everyday there is this little girl who is so happy to see you, hold on to you and puts her total trust in you. She is certainly one of the best things that has ever happened in my life.
As you’ve mentioned, fighting isn’t always easy, especially when severe depression comes along. In my experience, it’s often difficult even to acknowledge illness in that state. I was diagnosed with major depression almost 15 years ago after a bout with suicidal thoughts; since then, I’ve had a few other extended periods of deep depression. When I am “in there”, fighting the fog for enough energy to get out of bed or cook a meal, I don’t understand that I *am* depressed. Many times, I’ve told confused and worried friends or family that I’m fine, just having a bad day, because I simply don’t know any better.
It’s later, when I am starting to recover, that I can look back and say, “Whoa…was I ever in bad shape.” I’m told that’s also the most common time for depressed people to commit suicide, since they still have the bad thoughts and are starting to generate enough energy to follow through. Armed with that knowledge, it’s at least more likely that I’ll be able to hang on long enough to realize what’s actually happening.
One thing I have learned is never to make major decisions quickly. My mind will usually change several times over several weeks before I can eventually puzzle out which feelings are true and which are simply illusions.
HI Gregg,
Thanks for the reminder on making decisions. Taking your time when doing it is good advice if you have a cyclical illness to be sure you get your thoughts together before committing to an action.
All I can say about recognizing depression is that it comes with the more depression you have, and therapy helps too. Once you become aware of your own symptoms, because, of course, we’re all different, you can more easily see them when they pop up. Like, for you, maybe not being able to get dinner on the table is a good sign for you to watch for.
Even I, with _lots_ of experience in this area still miss some of the signs, some of the time, but be present, in the moment and mindful (DBT techniques, FYI) does tend to help that sort of thing.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi
Wanted to share asomething I found very helpful.I’ve been through the suicide attempts ,extreme anxiety & hell,meds not working….I was diagnosed with bi-polar traits,svere clinical depression,panic attacks,mild anorexia,generalised anxiety disorder,borderline personality disorder,generalised anxiety disorder &OCD,my doctor had a few more suspected diagnoses but we never did the tests,I can relate to quite a few things you have been going through.I dropped out of school,I could not function any more,my brain shut down every day.In fact I matched a lot of the elememts predictive of a serious suicide attempt (in your other article,interesting,thanks for sharing),but anyway…I have been getting better.
I don’t want to advertise,just want to share what I found helpful for me.
I am taking something called EmPowerPlus which has made me so much more stable,I no longer freak out & scream/cry uncontrollably at minor obstacles or for no reason at all,A lot of my depressive symptoms have reduced.I still have a long way to go,but I have made progress.The site for more info is: http://www.truehope.com/faq.aspx
Whichever way you choose to deal with life’s issues,I hope you will find happiness & wish you teh best of luck.
Hi Tess,
It’s great that you’ve found something that works for you and I would never suggest that someone _not_ do something that works for them.
That being said, that product has been widely discredited and I have a very bad feeling about the company. I’m sorry, but I just had to say that as a warning to anyone who might look at them.
– Natasha
Hi
Thanks for the quick reply!
You say that the product has been widely discredited and that you have a very bad feeling about the company.Could you please explain in more detail how it has been widely discredited,they have done quite a few studies,it may not work for everybody just like any other medication, I can see how disappointed people can be really upset over time,effort & money wasted & wouldn’t want others to be disappointed also (which applies to any other medication),but other than that I don’t see other reasons.What causes you to have a very bad feeling about the company? Many Thanks
if I had killed myself 10 years ago I would not have had to gone to all those doctor appointments that I hated. I would not have waisted all that time hating sitting in the waiting room, hating looking at other freaks looking at this freak. if I had killed myself 8 years ago I would not have had to put up with all the side effects from the fucken meds. no headaches no dry mouth no diarrhea no weight loss no weight gain no sleepless nights no drowsy days no fucken feeling like SHIT. if I had killed myself I would not have caused my family and friends to see me circle the drain see me get worse and worse every year. they would not have to see me hating life hating myself hating everything. I wish I had killed myself I could have stopped the pain so much sooner. I could have stopped the HATE. I could have stopped the hopelessness and self hate. why didn’t I fucking do it ?????
Hi Tommy,
Well, that`s one way of looking at it. My guess is you could make a list just like mine though, if you chose to look at it that way.
I can understand your feeling and you point, I really can. I could look at things just that way. But I don`t think that`s the best way to go. It`s just not helpful. But like I said, understandable. No one wants to be in pain, not even yesterday.
– Natasha Tracy
Tommy you didn’t do it because your life is precious and you have a purpose to help others. You have so much pain and anger inside of you and that is what is causing you so much suffering, get a pen and paper and start writing as quickly as possible everything and anything from as far back as you can remember all the negative things that happened to you and the negative things you did to others – then when you have “UNLOADED” enough, take the paper tear it up and throw it away, burn it if you want to – DO NO READ WHAT YOU HAVE JUST WRITTEN – you want to have a mental clean out…just keep doing this until you know you have peace of mind…begin to love your life and feel the warmth of the sun enter your whole being – love and peace – I know you will feel your true happiness and have a value creating life
I keep fighting because I am willing to keep trying new things until something works. As they say, “Don’t quit before the miracle.” And I remember that blues/jazz song, “What A Difference A Day Makes.”
It is SO hard to keep going when depression is beating you down and has been for months, but I keep going because i know it is lifting or will lift at some point again.
Maybe in my lifetime they will find a cure for this. Maybe my experiences can help someone else.
Hi Cat,
That is a fantastic attitude. “Don’t quit before the miracle.” I don’t know that I believe in “the miracle,” but I do believe in not quitting before the stability – which maybe is a miracle.
You attitude can only help you so congratulations.
– Natasha Tracy
I think I commented last time you posted this, but I have to tell you, this made me cry again. It’s not even the second time I’ve read it, more like the 8th, but every time it brings a tear.
I’ll add my own $0.02 – if I had killed myself a year ago, I would never have discovered myself as a photographer.
If I had killed myself 6 months ago, I would never have known what stable is.
I don’t know how long it will last, but for now the meds are holding, and even though I still hate them, I am grateful. Grateful for my partner who helps me stay on track, and thankful for you, Natasha, for being there to commiserate with me when it just plain sucks, even when you don’t even know you’re doing so.
Hi Lynoth,
Well, as I told another reader recently, I cry when I write some of these articles, and this was one of them, so it only stands to reason that it makes others cry, maybe even the 8th time :)
Thank-you for adding your two cents, I think they’re an important two cents. More like three cents. Four, even.
You just got stable and if you had given up 6 months ago you would never have known that feeling and that’s a powerful thing. Thanks for telling everyone that it is possible.
And you’re welcome, of course, for the commiseration. It helps to know other people are out there feeling it for me too.
– Natasha Tracy
“If, 12 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have experienced a skydive
If, 8 years ago I had killed myself, I would have never discovered I could write
If, 5 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have flown with the eagles in Venezuela
If, 2 years ago I had killed myself, I would never have helped all the people I have today”
But what about the pain in between this? I am sure it outweighed the benefits I am only 16 and (I am guessing slight undiagnosed bi-polar) and I am already waiting and hoping for the day that the pain is to end I have lost all intrest in life and the only thing keeping me going is the thoughts of hurting my family by learning I commited suicide and the fear of doing that to myself, and on your comment on “I would never have helped all the people I have today” are you sure its helping? you are making them continue to suffer the pain instead of letting them make up their own mind. I am sorry but I felt the need to post on this, I am not sure why except the above quote made me feel mad somehow.
Hi DR191,
Thanks for your comment.
You may not believe this, but I was 16 once. And let me tell you what 16 was like for me. I was suicidally depressed. I was always getting yelled at at home. I hated myself. I hated life. I was in agony. And then nasty things happened with my mothers boyfriend.
It was not a good year for me.
Nevertheless, at 17 I fell in love, proving that anyone, even me, can have something wonderful happen to them. And honestly, I wouldn’t give up that particular love for anything. It saved my life. It eased the pain. It made everything worth doing again.
Is the pain in between periods of wellness worth living through. Yes. I know this because I do it. All the time. Sometimes I’m convinced it isn’t worth it, but I’m wrong at those times. It _is_ worth it because there will be wellness again. And fly from the top of a mountain in Venezuela under a fabric wing and tell me it wasn’t worth it.
Your comment is fine. Your anger is fine. I suspect you feel like I’m giving you the order – LIVE. I’m not. Living is your choice, I can’t order you to do anything. And maybe the promise of a better tomorrow isn’t enough for you right now. That’s OK. There have been times when that wasn’t enough for me either. We all lose hope when things are at their darkest. That’s normal. That’s natural.
All I can tell you is that life is long and it won’t always be this way. There is help out there for you. There is treatment. There _are_ better things. Sometime. Somehow. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually. Even the worst illness _does_ lift sometimes.
Until then, you are not alone. Many of us have been where you are. So come back and vent and rave if you like. But just keep reaching out. It’s good for the soul.
– Natasha Tracy
I can’t tell you how challenging I find reading this. Beautiful milestones, it’s just the other 23 hours in the day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year that are so difficult.
Thank you for sharing.
I have been cycling for over 24 yrs now……as I age, my depressive episodes are becoming longer and my HYPOManic (My happy place, I call it) is getting shorter…..I was d’xd cyclothymic (24 yrs ago) and BP2 about 13 yrs ago….after being in a depression for over 47 consecutive days. I have been to many Psych Dr.s over the yrs and none have helped me find (a coctail?) anything that is helpful for my depression. Basically, I ‘hide out’ in my room and function ‘minimally’ until the down syndrome (as my older bro likes to refer to it, he thinks he’s funny?) passes……I used to be hypomanic for abt 2 weeks and then depressed/non functioning for 2weeks, but…….it is getting WORSE (I will be 58 in MAY) as I age, and sometimes it’s difficult to ‘ride out’ the depression, tho I do have much to look forward to (grandkids, kids marriages, ect) I sometimes dread wondering HOW long the next DOWNER w/be? and….think a lot about NOT waking up to another day of living/barely? this way………This is my first post…..I have enjoyed reading how others are LIVING w/depression and hopefully, can find hope and perhaps answers to help me? MEDICATIONS? (I have been on most mood stabelizers and anti-depressants…which haven’t worked so far) HELP????????
Hi Mary,
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. You have expressed what many people in your situation feel, believe me. You’re not alone in these feelings.
First, I know you said you’ve seen many psychiatrists, but have you seen bipolar specialists? If you’re having that much trouble, it would be good to seek out a doctor or clinic that specializes.
Second, I highly recommend you look at this site: http://psycheducation.org
It is all about bipolar II (which is what you’re describing, but you’re cycling) and is written by a doctor. It looks ugly as all get-out, but it’s extremely useful. Typically what is cited on this site is linked to the study from which the data was derived.
Specifically, see http://psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm
Which lists mood stabilizers by evidence. Dr. Phelps (the doctor who wrote the site) is a big believer in treating bipolar without antidepressants whenever possible. (Not that it’s always possible.) And in cases of cycling, his first priority would be to stop the cycling.
Also see his list of antidepressants that are not “antidepressants”: http://psycheducation.org/depression/ADwithoutAD.htm (you’ll see what I mean when you go there)
Look at the site. Talk to a doctor about any options that look good to you. There are lots of things out there. There is hope for you.
– Natasha Tracy
Dear Mary please read what I have just mentioned to Tommy, it may help you. I really can feel your suffering. When you are having a big dip….get outside … go to an art gallery….bus ride…bike ride….shopping…..anywhere where there is positive energy and people….or simply chill out….and DON’T FEEL GUILTY…..if you live with others, they don’t know what it feels like to feel the way you do, join a group where you can express the way you feel without being criticized and with those who understand and visa versa. Keep trusting that you are a very special human being and send positive thoughts for the happiness of those who are causing you to suffer – they are not happy people, happy people are never unkind to others.
Hi there,
I just found this site today while wandering around the interwebs. I have struggled with depression for the past 21+ years of my 31 year existence. My depression would probably be classified as moderate but man is it ever chronic. It is with me always. I came to a realization a few weeks ago that really opened my eyes. I, too, have always fought against the depression, wondering over and over again, ‘when will I be DONE with this? when will I be normal and not have to deal with all this pain ALL THE TIME???’ it occurred to me that the answer is never. I will never be finished with depression because it will never be finished with me. It is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. Instead of always fighting, fighting, clawing, waging war…sometimes to the death…I realized that this was something to be managed, not a siege until I am so bereft of internal resources that I give up. I can’t escape the shadow, but I can learn how to live with it. Not that this realization means that it will be smooth sailing for the rest of my days, but it does help me put things it perspective. I don’t know if this is of any help to anyone else who is struggling or has struggled, but it was a huge relief to me…A small victory/turning point, if you will… :)
~ Me :)
Hello Anon,
“I realized that this was something to be managed, not a siege until I am so bereft of internal resources that I give up.”
Interesting perspective. I think “fight” means different things to different people. For some fight is a violent, bloody act, but for others fight is simply standing in one spot and refusing to be moved. Or moving along a path and refusing to be waylaid. Gandhi “fought” but with peace.
If it’s a perspective that helps, that’s great. It does lend itself to the bigger picture. But I find I have to fight just to make myself move in the mornings. I have to fight to think. I have to fight not to cry. Fighting is the only thing that exists outside of death.
But it’s not like that for everyone.
I agree, tilting at windmills is never good but it’s a difficult balance between windmills and simply breathing.
I applaud your victory/turning point. It’s amazing when something “clicks” in our head and things come into focus. Thanks for sharing that.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Ashavan,
Thanks for sharing. You seem to describe my life only a short month or two ago, barely making it into work late, fake smiling my way through my day and collapsing on the couch the second I got home. At that point I felt hopeless and did not see any way out of the horrible daily cycle I was living.
However, for some reason things have recently changed for me and my depression has started lifting. I just wanted to remind you that where you are at right now, even though it feels like it will never go away, will eventually lift someday and you will start to feel lighter and at least a little better even if only for a short period of time.
Hang in there and know that you are in my thoughts as your experience is so extremely like my own.
Jessica
I think part of the struggle for me is that other people don’t see it. I’m relatively high functioning, but I recently entered a major depression and it had been long enough that I’d forgotten what to do. I think mostly because I wanted to forget. Wanted to pretend that depressed me wasn’t really me. And it isn’t. But it feels like it is right now. I took a personal day… I try never to do that. But I took it anyway to try to find the intestinal fortitude to face my life and get to work and collapse afterward. But I wasn’t able to come out of it. I took another day, and this time I was able to latch onto something to pull myself back up. Not out of the depression but back into high functioning at least. I could pretend to smile. I could drag myself to work… late, but I could get there.
But people think that mask means it’s all okay now. And I feel like I’m dying and it’s not okay. Because I feel like I want to… and that’s the crazy and I know it is. But I guess… I struggle with the fact that I’m fighting for my life, for that millimeter, and I feel like no one cares because no one sees it. And as much as I’m high functioning, I’m not that good, not when I’m in a major depression. The masks get broken. It’s because they don’t want to see it. Except that could be the anxiety talking.
*sigh*
10 years ago if I had committed suicide I wouldn’t have ever met my pugs. 7 years ago I would never have gotten married. Six years ago I would never have completed a novel. Why is it so hard to see and feel these things? I should be able to feel them. They should help.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who wonders why we keep fighting. It’s nice to know other people struggle with it too.
Hi Ashavan,
So much of what you said you have expressed so brilliantly. It’s what people are thinking right now. Behind their computer screens. At work. Or walking the dog.
First – Take Persona Days – it’s what they’re for. I get trying not to, but if you had kids (just assuming you don’t) you’d take one if one of them were sick, or if you couldn’t find childcare, you are certainly as important as that. You deserve to care for yourself that same way. And not employing self-care will make you worse. You know it. I know it. Don’t let that happen.
“But people think that mask means it’s all okay now. And I feel like I’m dying and it’s not okay. Because I feel like I want to… and that’s the crazy and I know it is. But I guess… I struggle with the fact that I’m fighting for my life, for that millimeter, and I feel like no one cares because no one sees it. And as much as I’m high functioning, I’m not that good, not when I’m in a major depression. The masks get broken. It’s because they don’t want to see it.”
I have felt like this so much I can’t even express it. I had to cancel a dinner on the weekend because I said I was “sick.” Because “sick” people understand. Too crazy to leave the house, they don’t.
I get that you’re fighting for a millimeter. I get how impossibly hard that is. You have me, and you have others, fighting with you. Fighting behind you. Fighting for you. I know, that may not mean much but it means _something_.
Yes, many of us struggle. You are not alone in that either. Your pugs want you here. Your partner wants you here. Always a good thing to remember.
– Natasha Tracy
Simply sharing your feelings here, shows to me, that you still want to fight the depression. We sometimes feel that it’s a never ending battle, but I think the key may lye in accepting what is and doing the best with what we have to work with.
Never give up, it’s not easy, believe I know, we all know…
Sending warm and positive wishes your way.
Josh…
Hi Josh,
Well, I wouldn’t say “want to” per se, but going to, probably.
What I “want” is an endless supply of Ben and Jerry’s that when I consume it, will have no calories. That’s what I “want” ;)
Thanks for the wishes. :)
– Natasha
Nice one. Even 6 months ago, my cynicism and pessimism would have turned a quick head against such musings. Yet, it has always been my children keeping me grounded and present.
Hi Meredith,
I can understand eschewing those musings. It’s OK. I do it too and I wrote it.
But that doesn’t mean it’s untrue or that I won’t keep saying it.
It’s great to hear that your children keep you grounded and present. That’s wonderful.
– Natasha
“I have no answer, no answer at all, but I can tell you this:
If, 12 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have experienced a skydive
If, 8 years ago I had killed myself, I would have never discovered I could write
If, 5 years ago I had killed myself, I never would have flown with the eagles in Venezuela
If, 2 years ago I had killed myself, I would never have helped all the people I have today”
So, beautiful…thanks for sharing…brought tears to my eyes because I know I have a list very similar to this…I had just forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder. : )
“That millimeter that you fought against depression for, mattered.”
Thanks, I really needed to hear that! :)
“I do not know how to win the fight, but I do know, that for no reason I understand, the fight matters. It just does.”
I absolutely LOVE this! I am definitely going to use this as a mantra and quote you often on this. This quote touches me very deeply and somewhere very important at his point in my life. Thank you.
Thank you so much for the work that you do…and thank you so much for continuing to fight the fight for me and everyone else’s lives you touch Natsha. You are one special human being!
Hi Jessica,
Yup, we all have a list like that. We forget about it, but it’s there.
“Thank you so much for the work that you do…and thank you so much for continuing to fight the fight for me and everyone else’s lives you touch Natsha. You are one special human being!”
Thank-you. And you’re welcome.
– Natasha
I needed this tonight. I have been considering skipping pills…
This helps!
Hi Jessie,
So sorry, you got caught in my spam filter.
Just wanted to say, I’m glad I could help. Take a breath. Borrow my strength.
– Natasha
“While sometimes I refuse to admit it, my work, my words, my effort matters.” … oh my, yes it does matter!
But I so know what you mean, you wonder why we fight, I know I do all the time, that is just too hard, so why should I bother … but then I catch myself, I look at my beautiful children and I know that it is worthwhile … just sometimes I need reminding.
But NT .. I can speak from experience, your words … they help .. they have helped me, and for that I am grateful!
Hi Kylie,
“But NT .. I can speak from experience, your words … they help .. they have helped me, and for that I am grateful!”
Thank-you. It’s always nice to hear.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
It’s been a while since I last visited. Joyce and I are simply living life and enjoying it as best we can.
In response to the subject title I shall once again respond from my perspective as a very long-time support person to my spouse as we are approaching a half-century together.
Had we given up after the first 36 years of her anguish, suffering and multiple suicide attempts Joyce would not know the current feeling of being almost continuously depression free these past 12 years. She would not know of our daughter and two delicious granddaughters who recently showered her with kisses, love and affection during their recent visit to us along with getting away from the cold of the northeast.
Joyce would not know of the many friends and the social activities and dinners we both currently attend and enjoy.
Had she given up I would not have heard the amazing, wonderful words and acknowledgement of my time and considerable efforts in trying to achieve wellness and a reasonable quality of life for her and me when she stated, “I’m happy to be alive.”
The answer is out there. The truly difficult part is educating oneself to the many possibilities while being persistent and not fearful to try and to experiment and to ally oneself with a trusted, caring, knowledgeable and licensed healthcare professional.
Outstanding choice of a topic on your part and hopefully just as your site has come a long way and significantly improved, I hope the same is true for your mood state.
As always, I wish you and yours wellness and all the good you would wish for yourselves.
Warmly,
Herb
vnsdepression@gmail.com
http://www.vnstherapy-herb.blogspot.com/
Hi Herb,
Sorry, your comment got caught in my spam filter.
Thanks for popping by and your comment. I’m glad to hear you and your wife are well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We do all have them, but the bitch can be finding them.
And thanks. It has come a long way. No more indulgent burlesque looks. It’s OK. I like clean and modern too.
– Natasha