I Hate Everyone Who Isn’t Suicidal

Yes, I know, I’m supposed to be better than that. Yes, I know, I’m supposed to rise above that. Yes, I know that isn’t fair or particularly true. But I feel it anyway. You try being this depressed. You try being this suicidal. See how many people you hate.

You Want, You Desire, Something

What do you want? Chocolate cake? Sex? Sun? A promotion? A child? A new car? More friends? To lose weight? To not get a divorce? To nap? To write? To laugh? To watch the latest episode of Top Chef?

I hate you.

I Only Want to Die

I only want the one thing: to die. I only want the thing I can’t have. Or rather I can have it, any time, but others swear I shouldn’t have it, and if I have it, it’ll be the last thing I ever have.

I hate everyone else for getting to want something else. I hate everyone for not writing a suicide note. I hate everyone for not having to take 6 seemingly-ineffectual meds. I hate everyone who wants to live. You are all lucky. And blessed. And I hate you.

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6 Comments

Camilla on July 30, 2023 at 12:32 pm

I have lived with adhd for 47 years and bipolar disorder for 33 years. I take 14 seemingly-ineffectual meds everyday.
I hate you.

~ N on July 5, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Hi Anon,

Yes, many of us have heard those reasons, and many of us have thought those thoughts. It's really hard. Especially since I don't have anything nearly as important to stick around for.

But truth? Life wants to be alive. Even in agony.

And you might get better. There is that.

Try to wait it out until someone can figure out how to help you. It can happen. I promise.

– N

Anonymous on July 4, 2010 at 6:53 am

Ah yes.. the "you can't die because…" and they number off things. All of which, at the time, seem futile and pointless and so not worth sticking around for.

Then they pull out the big gun "your daughter needs you." Sure, okay.

She needs a mother who is in mental torment much of her life. She needs a mother who is in and out of hospitals for weeks at a time, in her life. She needs a mother who sits in her room and cries in the night. She needs a mother who, at times, can't seem to get up and move. She needs a mother who, from time to time, takes meds that drug her out and stupor her to the point she can't put biscuits in the oven or name what the refrigerator actually is.

She needs her mother to still live, to be here and for that, I am not allowed to end my suffering that not one pill nor doc has been able to do – nor I, in 30 years of therapy.

So, I just "disconnect" mentally from the world that surrounds me and go days and weeks and simply do not remember or am aware. Like a ghost, in my own life. And so, I remain.. in order to be… here.

Maria Juanita on June 21, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Wow. This sparked so many emotions in me I am almost speechless and on the verge of tears. I have been there, many, many times!

From my own experience, I know better than to try and convince you of anything, particularly since not only I am a total stranger, but I would be a hypocrite for having voices these same thoughts in the past…
and instead leave you with this:

Sometimes, for ME, a New And Interesting Distraction can help. SOOooo, I'd like to introduce myself… I'm "NEW" to blogspot! I am just egocentric enough to think I am "INTERESTING"… and "DISTRACTION" is my middle name! – GRIN-

If you think having someone new and non-judgmental to listen while you vent would be helpful, I use Yahoo, AIM, Facebook and MySpace if you want to chat!

Gentle Hugs,
Maria