Believe me, when I tell you bipolar disorder can absolutely feel like a punishment from God (or the universe, or bad karma, etc.) It doesn’t even matter if you believe in any particular god; bipolar disorder can feel like a punishment nonetheless. But why does bipolar disorder feel like a punishment from God, and what can we do about it?
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The following is indicative of a mixed mood. These are not necessarily my exact thoughts when I’m thinking more clearly.
It’s days like today when I’d like to punch anyone in the face who says I’m not crazy. I’m crazy. I’m CRAY-ZEE. I know you can’t see it, but if you were in my brain right now, it would be crystal clear to you. I’m feeling so crazy, in fact, that I suspect another person would think they were psychotic if they had to deal with the brain I currently have. I know this is not psychosis, though. I know this is a brutal, unfair, horrific bipolar mixed mood.
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It sounds true, but it’s actually a myth that people who self-harm like pain. I’ve done it; I should know. That’s right — I’ve purposefully caused pain, and yet, I hate pain. Believe me, you can want to self-injure and hate pain — both of those things can be true at the same time. Read on to learn about the myth that those who self-mutilate like pain.
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Have you heard of a medical test for the selection of antidepressants? It’s billed as a simple blood test or cheek swab that can indicate what antidepressant you should or should not take. This is advertised as “personalized medicine” or “precision medicine.” And to anyone who has been on the (un)merry-go-round of antidepressant trials, it sure sounds like a great idea. Here’s the latest research on what you need to know about spending money on medical tests for antidepressant selection.
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I have thought that no one would want me if they knew the real me for, oh, my whole life. It’s not because I’m an ax-murderer or puppy-hater or anything; it’s just because I’m me, and “me” is very messy, indeed. The inner life of a bipolar can be torture. And then there’s whatever Natasha has to offer on top of it. And then there’s Ehler’s-Danlos. And then there’s fibromyalgia. And, really, I thought no one would want me before those last two really asserted themselves, so I can only imagine how undesirable I am now. But one thing I know is that many people think that no one would want them if they knew the real them. Specifically, I know that many disabled people think that no one would want them if they knew the real them. But do disabilities — bipolar disorder or otherwise — stand in the way of being desirable?
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Dear Suicidal Friend,
This sucks. Okay, it doesn’t just suck. It’s horrendous. It’s horrific. It’s soul-sucking. It’s suicidality at its finest. It’s lonely, and the pain is unbearable. I know what that feels like. I have been there many times before. I know how impossible just one more moment in the muck and mire feels. I have written about suicide over and over and over, and yet it doesn’t stop me from feeling suicidal again. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to kill myself. No amount of knowledge takes away the suffering.
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Recently I was asked what to do when you don’t want to take your bipolar medication. What do you do when you’re battling medication noncompliance (also known as nonadherence) within yourself? I thought this was a good question as it’s something that many of us battle with. We know we need to take the medication, but some part of us doesn’t want to take the medication. I guess it’s a need vs. want scenario. This scenario is trickier than many people think, as not wanting to take medication is common and a very understandable impulse. So here’s what to do when you don’t want to take your bipolar medication.
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I have no motivation, but I still have to get things done, just like everyone. Getting things done without motivation is no easy feat, however. I find that my amotivation (no motivation) combined with the other symptoms of depression pretty much glue me to the couch. And while there seems to be a lot of recognition of a lack of motivation and other similar concepts like abolition and abulia in mental illness, there seems to be precious few solutions. But, as amotivation has been my state for many years of my life, I’ve had to come up with coping techniques. Here is one revolving around how planning can thwart a lack of motivation.
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Some people live with thoughts of suicide every day. I have lived this way. It’s hell. Persistent suicidality can happen in depression, although it’s not talked about very much. There is a notion that people think about suicide, and they either get help, which rids them of the thoughts, or act on the thoughts. And while I have no doubt some people have had that experience, for many, this just isn’t reality. Even the best treatment can’t always rid a person of constant thoughts of suicide.
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