My Bipolar Makes Me Hate Everything and Everyone
I hate you.
Or, perhaps, it might be more accurate to say my bipolar hates you. Or my bipolar makes me hate you. Or something.
I feel this pervasive negative, black, dark, inky hatred spread atop my “Natashaness” that seems to affect how I feel about everything. Theoretically, philosophically, intellectually, I know that I don’t hate everything. In fact, I know that I don’t really hate anything. But I sure feel as if I hate everything.
Depression, Bipolar and Hatred
The nearest thing I can figure is it’s a bipolar depression thing. Depression is a negative, black, dark, inky feeling that seems to invade everything and that invasion often seems to involve hatred. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t really hate anything. Not really. It just feels like I do.
Bipolar Hatred and Anger
And so this hatred makes me irritable and angry. I feel angry for so many reasons. Sure, there’s the hatred that just breeds anger, but I’m angry on top of that and I’m angry that I feel the hatred at all and I’m angry that I can’t seem to stop it, sooth it or mitigate it in any way. I just have to sit and listen to the horrible, negative, deathly, torturous thoughts. I don’t want to. I want to think of other things. But I can’t. The bipolar has taken over my brain.
It’s also pretty easy to be angry at everyone who doesn’t feel this way. That anger is real too. So if you’re well, if you’re mentally healthy, if you’re happy, it’s pretty easy for me to hate you too.
The Bipolar Hatred Isn’t Real
I know this hatred isn’t real. I know it’s a veil. I know it’s the bipolar talking and not Natasha. But it’s so pernicious. It’s a weed. It’s a soul weed. I want to grab it and rip it out. But its thorns and thistles just make me bleed instead.
Expression of the Bipolar Hatred
It’s really hard to express hatred because people don’t take it very well. I could say that I feel hatred but don’t really hate a person and they seriously won’t get it. Like, how can I feel hatred for someone/something and yet know that I don’t hate it at the same time? I understand this confusion. If you’ve never lived in a bipolar brain (or, simply, a mentally ill brain) then you don’t know. You don’t know how your brain and thoughts can be stolen from you and controlled by an outside (inside?) force. I can understand how you don’t get it. But I swear, it’s a real thing and I’m not making it up.
And I think sometimes my hatred, is just a lot of tears channelled into something else. Instead of crying for hours, I just hate. I’m not sure how the depression transmutes like that, but it does. Mental illness is slippery that way.
What I can suggest, is, if you’re feeling that bipolar hatred, and you know it isn’t you, you need to find a place to put that hatred that’s healthy. Oh, I don’t know, maybe in a blog article? Maybe in a scream? Maybe in a piece of art? Maybe in a run? Basically, whatever way in which you can channel you energy – even if it’s really negative – as long as you’re not hurting anyone (including yourself), I find it can calm the hatred, a tiny bit.
When the bipolar hatred comes up, it won’t go away that easily, at least mine won’t. But by externalizing it, you can really see that it isn’t real and it isn’t you. If you look at a dark, black, muddy canvas that you made you can clearly see the hatred as something that’s attacking you. It’s an outsider. It’s not you. It just isn’t.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like I hate you. But it’s not you that I really hate. It’s the bipolar.