Depression and Feeling Dead Inside

Depression is many things to many people. The common perception of depression is that you’re “just” really sad all the time, and while this is true for many who suffer depression, this is not a universal norm. Some people don’t feel sad, per se, they feel nothing; they feel dead inside.

So, What’s it Like to Feel Dead Inside?

It’s hard to say what it’s like to feel dead inside. To me, it’s sort of like someone removed the contents of my chest and left a gaping void where there is nothing left but a painful, sucking black hole. It feels like all the places that are supposed to do something – my heart and my soul – have been removed. And this removal has left open, bleeding gashes. Wounds that tear and itch and bleed. And just knowing that my heart and soul have been removed is breathtakingly painful. Feeling their absence is like feeling the absence of oxygen from the lungs. It puts one into a panicked and near-death state.

And the thing about having your insides removed is that you really do feel the necrosis setting in in the surrounding tissue. It feels like you’re a rotting corpse. It feels like you’re the walking dead. It feels like your humanity was removed along with your insides.

Feeling Nothing with DepressionThen put me in front of a glorious scene. Put me in front of a glorious sunset. Set me in front of young love. Position me to gaze upon kittens playing. And all the sucking nothingness ensures an absolute lack of feeling. Kittens playing make me feel the same as staring at a wall of grey.

And experiencing this, knowing how much I’m missing, knowing what I should feel about kittens, knowing what I should feel about a sunset, knowing what I should feel about young love, almost makes me stop breathing altogether.

You’d Think Feeling Nothing Wouldn’t Kill You – You’d Be Wrong

Because somehow in all this nothingness, there exists pain. I can’t explain why pain exists when nothing else does; I only know that is the case. I only know that feeling a gaping void inside my chest is one of the most painful states of being that I know. And I know that escaping that feeling and the associated pain is bloody high on my to-do list.

Of course escape also means many things to many people, and it’s understandable when escape means death, means suicide – if you think there is no other means available.

Feeling the Pain of Feeling Nothing Inside

Luckily, other means are available. I would consider the absence of pleasure (anhedonia) a severe sign of depression and, in that case, I really don’t know what option you have other than working with a psychiatrist in search of a successful treatment. It’s not a minor thing and your less aggressive treatments strike me as being unworkable. But that’s your call.

Or, more specifically, my call. And I would say the important thing is treating it and knowing that treatment is available and does work. No one has to live with their insides scraped out. I’ve seen this before, I’ve lived through it, and I’ve seen it go away. I can say, without doubt, that it is possible. And hopefully, that knowledge is enough to keep going.

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  1. Does anybody actually read this? If so I apologise on behalf of myself for the misery you are reading!!! The emptiness I feel is indescribable, I have a Fiancée who I’m pushing away with my craziness and two amazing little boys who I adore whilst feeling so selfish that I even feel this way makes me feel sick to the bones as why would anybody with a descent job, partner has a descent job, two amazing kids, my mrs has a loving family who I adore and make me feel like one of them even feel empty and like I’m dying inside?? I didn’t used to, I’ve always been strong and decisive until recently, now I’m like a little bitch , upset all the time, angry and lost,sometimes I feel confused like what I’ve just said hasn’t come out of my mouth as if it wasn’t even me saying it!! I don’t feel like there’s anything that can help, I can’t even sleep soundly without waking up frustrated and angry Wtf!! This isn’t me and I don’t know what to do about it, I love my family and just wish I was the happy, funny guy my mrs fell in love with to make everyone happy and that my boys grow up knowing the real me instead of a psychotic freak that I’ve become. Thought I’d get that out to see if I felt better! ………i don’t

  2. Sterling

    It makes me wonder whether its worth the struggle. I do not care about anything and feel like an empty shell notwithstanding therapy and medication. Relationships do not work and such a feeling of isolation when my own family deliberately ignores my disorder and suffering. So lonely even as a married man with a daughter. No where to go for me right now. Trying to put one foot in front of the other is all I can do.

  3. Man this is exactly how I feel,I feel like im just hollow dont care whats happening, this is beingbto get ridiculous IDK I thought I was so donewith all of this xause I had and ibdont knowmy world change there was this precious helpless wonder that I created and he is my world ,nothing would make me happier just to start wakingvup so I could hold him he just had his first birthday and ivstarted noticing how a little bit each day somethingvwas wrong I didnr know what. This is my first child I know how I should be feeling right now I use to and still dream of what he will do and terrified that the emptiness is returning and ill just stop feeling for him completelyi cant lose those feeling thats all of me thats left and I dont know what to do and im scared to ask for help or open up to anyone ive found myself lying to people just so they will leave me alone ive stolen prescriptions from family members just to stay away from that hollow feeling justba little bit but it never last and I think im becoming an addict I need help I dont feel safe with myself sometimes.

  4. I just wanna curl up in a dark hole and feel nothing.
    im so tired of trying.
    im almost at the point where idc what happens to me, if i fail school, get kicked out of my house or id i die. i dont wanna kill myself cuz i dont want my mom feeling blamed for my death, its not her fault i just dont wanna breath anymore. i dont wanna have to worry of what i eat and what people think of me. why does life have to feel like this? why cant i just be happy like the other girls?
    i just so tired….

  5. I think I’m going through a rough time more than ever, for the past four years its been bad, but for already 3 days, I’ve already wanted to give up, I guess I;m becoming a corpse and won’t feel anything but pain. I want to get out, but I don’t know how.

  6. I’m 23 and I’ve been bullied my entire life so I guess that’s why I don’t care bout anything or anyone anymore. This article describes how I’m feeling right now. I feel empty inside, like my soul had been ripped out of me and I’m walking around in an empty shell. I also have back problems and don’t sleep at all. I’ve no one to talk to, they have more important things to worry about instead of me. So I suffer in silence.

    • Hey, name is Brian. Have been through everything there is (relative to me) to involving Bipolar Depression. Conversation and friendly interaction is a key component in developing positive coping skills/ mechanisms for battle depression. IT IS a battle…Like an invisible and silent war that only you’re capable of experiencing. Ayway, email me if you ever need some good convo’s :) brian3585 at hot mail

  7. Hey! I stumbled over your blog by chance, but Im so glad I did!! The way you describe the “black sucking hole´” is something I have tried to describe forever to my therapist, he doesn’t get it. When I try to say something else like… imploding he still doesn’t understand it. Im so glad, and sad, that other people have experienced this too! I thought it was just me! Thank you for your words,

  8. The emptiness………. It haunts me. Those times when I’m not feeling like I need to run mindlessly screaming over something emotionally tearing at me. Over some circumstance life has presented me that goes beyond my ability to cope.

    The emptiness. It feels like nothing. It feels like blinding fog. I know something is out there but I can never see it or get to it.

    The emptiness…. It feels like a million miles of string balled up hopelessly in an infinite knot that must be untied. Where do I start?

    The emptiness……. The confusion that it brings. I can’t even form the question of why, what, when…… no less assemble these things into something meaningful

    I can’t tell you how I hate the emptiness.

  9. Im not working for so long.. i have depression and bipolar.. and generalised anxiety disorder.. help me. I cant work.

  10. yeahh.. i m having a feeling of emptyness too.. sometimes i am not able to understand what i m experiencing.. is it happening or not.. where i am???. i dont know.. what i am doing.??? i dont know.. always feel scary.. cant go outside home alone.. just hate the unknown people around me.. their voices.. cant tolerate heavy sounds of traffic.. niether want to live nor want to die.. i dnt knw what i need.. frustrated always.. bad relationships.. lost all my interest in things i used to enjoy earlier.. not even a single thing is ok.. not my career, my love life.. i doubt if i exist or not.. where i am????? everything is so confusing..

  11. This I feel is exceedingly poetic and sappy dude. Too many metaphors and analogies making it kind of emo. But i guess i see where youre coming from. My grandfather has cancer and is undergoing treatment. My family has visited him repeatedly and I haven’t yet. Not because he is an asshole, but just because I don’t care. It means nothing to me that he is in pain. My family is great and there is no reason for my uninvolvement in the family. I’m sure if he died I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. That’s fuckjng bad. Its different from looking at kittens. The black eternal death is near someone I should love, and I just sleep the same every night. I don’t have aspirations, any that I did have have diminished. That’s bad also. When the wanting is gone and you just don’t care? I’m a priveledged white fuck living in america with a loving family and if I knew my death was tomorrow I would greet it. On anti depressants for a couple years but no affect. At 18 with the state of mind of a hopeless 52 year old, what’s the point. I don’t want to be in love. And I don’t want help.

    • This is how I feel about life too, and interestingly enough ayahuasca has been on my mind for many a moon as a final reaching hope. I’d love to hear some more info or possibly experience with recovery through an ayahuasca journey.

  12. hey guys am glad i found this place reading how u guys feel make me think am not alone in this ever since puberty i felt like i was empty hollow inside over the year ive seem to become more detached from myself and now i just carnt seem to cope with it any more its just so hard i fell like the emptyness is overwelming me i find espressing my emotiocns is to unbrarable when walking down the street if feels like am the only one there and no one can even see me and the overwelming feeling off nothingness it starting to make me thing the only way for it to end is to kill myself the think that stop e in the pass was family and friends and how it would make them feel but is it fare i have to keep going though this feeling all the time just to make others happy i just dont know how to deal with it anymore i just want it to end ..

  13. The confusion reigns supreme
    Inside my head
    The more I read, the more I hear
    Makes me wonder if I’m dead
    On the inside…..
    Masses of self, each wanting a piece of the dream, toothpaste and pie
    Never content, always devouring, why can’t I kill them?
    Why won’t they die?
    If I am myself….then why all the others?
    All clambouring for glory, all striving to win
    Their validation is your every whim
    Why do they persist? Why can’t they be sated?
    The neurons of hunger, lust, greed and hatred….
    I am not the one who invokes these ideas
    I seek to ignore them, not feed them with fear
    But they go on, still hungry, still yearning
    Their creepy dark tendrils, smouldering, burning
    I feel their wicked, subconscious pull
    And try to resist the urges
    And thoughts….
    That light up their darkness
    Brighten their lure
    Stop now…you can’t win
    Try all you want, I will be
    Above your flow of negativity

  14. I feel the World can take a massive leap and fuck itself! I’m sick of being strong! Actually correction, tired! You wouldn’t believe me if I told you my tale!
    But I will muster through!
    Maybe people have roles?
    I must have done something bad in a past life!

    • I think I would believe it. But would you believe mine. Common thing thinking you did something bad in a past life. Who knows maybe you and I both did. WN

  15. When i’m feeling depressed, I drag myself to the gym and tear the sh*t out of the punching bag. Depression is anger turned inwards.

  16. since I was 5 I was severely depressed. I could NEVER be alone.. Only time I felt alive was when i fell in love. When they left I was suicidal. My heath has been crazy. My MIND shuts down when i am alone and I stare into space. Inside the empty hole is TERROR and fear. and horrific pain. I cant even sleep.. No amount of help ever helped.. I do not think I even have a soul. I cannot connect to it. Now I have been torthered more and have all over the body severe stinging and morgllans.. They damaged my system with neuro antibitics.. I am with the love of my life after horrific struggle to be with him and they damaged me.. I am in physical and mental torture.. No one can stay in this level of burning acid pain.. I feel I am in hell all my life.. I cannot connect to me. I would kill myself but prob go to that place that always shows up in my mind. of hell or low frequncy people.. I cannot hurt my husband but I am destroying him like this.. I just scream most days and pace and cry.. I am terrified. I feel somthing has always had controll of my mind and soul.. Yup I know this sounds nuts, but I am quite sane unfortunatley.. Has anyone ever felt such terror . I have hung onto trees to stay alive as I am told to keep killing myself.. Now with two years of happiness it was all taken away from mass abount of neuro toxic drugs.. An entire life of torture,, I cannot funtion on my own and I cant rest as am in such terror.. I would like someone to write me.. I am so scared and I have no one to talk to..

  17. I feel so hurt all the time. I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I’m not alone in this world,but I feel that way. The past few weeks my world has turned upside down for no reason. I can’t sleep I’m not eating, I’ve push everyone away. I don’t know what is wrong with me . I feel pain and dead inside.

  18. I have had these moments of feelings that I shouldn’t of lived past my age. Feeling like death has already taken me and I’m still here. Such a downward spiral of. Dark dwpresion of not having a purpose here. I don’t know why this is happening to me. My soon to be wide has left me because she was to frustrated with it. Dead inside is a good way to explain it. I’m glad I’m not alone to know there are others out there like. Me.

  19. I didn’t even know I was “depressed”, (well, I sort of knew it, but thought it was just a normal state of mind since I had no “normal” reference point).

    Years and years, decades of “toughing it out” through those bad days, and never really enjoying the good days. Bottled up, ratcheting the lid down tighter and tighter each time I felt things spinning out of control…

    But people notice… Friends and family (and a wife as strong as tempered steel!). People that really care (that you never expected), offer up support and (just as important to a lone wolf type of personality) avenues to get real help that I never had the courage to explore myself. (and just as important, my general misconceptions about the illness and treatments)

    I wish I had taken this path decades ago, I missed a lot of simple enjoyment in just living… (And where that thought would have been a sure fire trigger for a “bad stretch of regret”, now it’s just an observation and a shrug because I’m moving on now, and taking each day as it comes, satisfied and content, enjoying being me.) I’ve only just started this new path, a little over a month on this journey… but I’m enjoying the new sense of self discovery, and the absence of dread in facing the day.

    Old dogs CAN learn new tricks! (and sites like this certainly help, THANKS!)

  20. Everyday i woke up, i woke up with a heavy heart and a deep sadness inside me. I don’t know i do i cope up with it. I have no friends neither i am close to any one. Actually, the environment in my house makes it more disastrous. Yes, i feel dead inside. Totally dead from inside but i don’t want to be like this. Earlier, i used to be very social but now after some incident happened in my life back to back that changes everything, me as well. Now if ever i want to trust anyone, I ‘m not able to. It must be sound like It must be any boyfriend matter but no, everything was happened and still happening in my house that causing me to live in an extreme situation. Nowadays time to time whenever i get too tensed i feel a pain in my left side of chest till back but to only some extent.I can’t share to any one living close to me. Many a times i want to cry but that too I’m nor able to. I’m not able to express anything not to me also. But i know, i am deep lonely from inside.Please tell me what should i do? How do i cope up with the situations that’s affecting my studies. It gets very difficult for me to remember anything even day to day things too. Please help..

    • I feel exactly same , ineed some one talk with how do i feel , i am unable to put my situation to my psychiatrist , he isnt taking me sereously rather he thinks that i am strong , ya , may be i am looking strong on surface but this black hole inside me is gonna consume me inch by inch. I am in desperate need to atlk with some body who feels something like me . I used to have friends but i had to loose them i came to know that i was changing thier lives according to me , dwpression is contageous too , soo i isolated myself . Now i am alone . Please reach me out. My facebook id is ALL WELL , or u can search me by cell number on facebook as 9545723243.

    • I know exactly how you feel. You seem to have the same effects Depression is having on me. I wake every morning with a heavy heart also, but through out the day.. The feeling leads it’s way to my stomach.. Then my whole body seems to feel weighted on and like my body cannot move.

  21. I know this is going to sound different, but here’s the truth. Ever since my Uncle passed away seven years ago from cancer, I have felt dead inside. Then five years ago, I met this teacher, and for the first time in two years, I could feel again. What was it that I felt? I felt Love. I fell in Love with this beautiful teacher. Here’s the catch, whenever school ended, I went home, and stopped being able to feel anything. The only time I was able to feel at all, was when I was with her. She made me feel happy, and could make me laugh. Two years ago, she quit her job, and I feel dead inside again. Has this happened to anyone else?

    • I had something similar happen. I have felt dead and empty my entire life, until i met my wife. I finally felt like i could live life with her instead of just going through the motions. When she left i felt empty again and never recovered. No woman before her, or since has ever made me feel alive.

  22. your blogs truly help me to understand after losing a loved one to suicude last year. your blogs are honest and open and i so wish my lover and friend knew of your blogs.

  23. It’s like a life sentence from God himself for a crime you never committed. You don’t know what exactly you’ve done, but you will never be forgiven for it. Nothing effects you good or bad. Maybe it’s how I grew up where most of the time I got a shrug at best. For me it isn’t just the pain and emptiness. There’s guilt also, guilt for feeling this way when I have no real reason too. So instead of on extreme like( suicide) I start to go the other way and destroy everything around me. Pushing people away and finding new ways to ignore morals and decency. Some days things of joy and brilliance hurt to even be around. When I was younger I had friends that would cut themselves and I could never understand why. But I get it not that I do it you do it to see if your still alive. And all that happens is you prove there no physical pain that can ever hert as much as you do inside every waking moment

  24. Ever see a show called “Black Lagoon” ?
    I feel empty, dead, nothing…
    On top of that no care for my own well being, safety.
    thought this show could relate to some of the walking dead out there?
    idk if im wrong then i guess im just stupid like that lol

  25. I’m 13 years old and I’ve been depressed for a long time and it kill me that everyone that I try to contact (friends) always get mad at me. I know you’re say oh a little girl can’t be depressed but I have been through so much when I was younger and still now. I have no one to turn too. I’ve been resreaching about depression and doing tests that say I need therapy but I can’t say my feeling’s I always hide them. No one ever notices and I want help. I’ve been cutting but nothing works. I treat my friends like shit. I just hate knowing that I’m alive to be this punished

    • hi, i know exactly how that feels..when i was younger ppl thought i was 2 young to suffer depression as well but its not true. When you feel there is no one to talk to, sometimes I find if I talk to someone who doesn’t know me it if u need someone to talk to feel free to msg me anytime..I have no judgement about anything. I’m just here to help because I know how it feels..I am a 27 year old woman but feel like I’ve lived a thousand years sometimes because of the things in life i’ve had to experience

    • Please get help if you feel you need to…Respect yourself in this. People don’t often realize that it is also possible to have depression at such a young age. Most times, people don’t even notice or if they do, they don’t expect it to be so serious. But I know and understand. <3 Take care of yourself

  26. Wonderfully said. Thanks for trying. I admire your perseverance. I am trying. I’ve tried therapy, meds. I go to a yoga class almost everyday, and still… pulse. I pray to God to give me something to care about, some cause to give back to. But what is the point. Everything is corrupt. I’m dead and have no hope. I am glad that some people bounce back…I wish I could be happy. But I might as well be a zombie, because I’m the walking dead

    • Hey Kyle….Thanks for liking my post….Kyle, I since know not much about u..All I can say is if u r sick or u r dead sick or nobody to help u….u r wrong…Help comes to those who seek help..just by murmuring to your ears won’t help. Nobody ll help u unless u urself gonna do that. I can feel d pain u r into. Kyle can I say u something..ppl get killed in accidents without saying a goodbye..even if we are walking dead atleast we know gonna be dead…then y not make each n every day as if we have to go to war to do better for someone so u r into some army camp pulling all ur strength..Kyle yes walking dead is dead now we are soldiers..soldiers for others…n if u all ok there’s no health issue that may sound deadly…I think u r d most lucky person..ppl die of diseases, Coz sometimes they are helpless due to stage or money..But have u seen ppl on Facebook literally before their death they helped in donations…I mean who is telling you to kick a goal n become a hero…All I am saying is everyone is walking their own path, their own way..u r not alone..many like are there…so if they are completing their journey then y not u? Go start visiting oldage hones, fosters, orphanage, cancer patients, may b by looking at them u ll feel ur pain is less…care about the plants around u which are thirsty of water fetch them water….why do we need others for our care when we are capable enough to cook n serve to a poor child in neighbourhood…think kyle..don’t u think u have enough reason to cherish…

    • You Are Not Alone. This Is Not The End.

      Please, if you feel you may harm yourself REACH OUT. There are people out there who care about your life.

      US: 1-800-273-TALK

      US LGBTQ Youth (the Trevor Project): 1-866-488-7386

      US Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (press 1)

      Canada: 1-800-SUICIDE OR help lines and centers by province OR 911

      International: Befrienders Worldwide

      Australia: 13-11-14 (lifeline) or 1-800-55-1800 (kids help line for 5-25 yrs old)

      • These contacts are not confidential and many abusive police show up in response. They may ruin your chances for employment. Neighbors will find out and so. You WILL be led to about confidentiality. My prvious comment WAS censored. WN

    • Hi Kyle,

      I can understand you feeling that way. I have spent years feeling dead inside and I can understand how it might feel as if everything is corrupt — but it’s not. I’m not. The charity I work for isn’t. The kids that I talk to in schools about mental illness aren’t. There are signs of goodness all around us, really.

      Try something new. Try getting involved with a local charity. Maybe NAMI, or another of your choice. You will find people that are amazingly like you and you’ll see that there is some hope out there. I promise.

      – Natasha Tracy

  27. Since my dream of becoming doctor couldn’t come true since then I have just learned how to kill your desires. Resulted in a situation where I felt knowingly uninterested to things I liked. My friend also started complaining about me being not jolly anymore, can’t express myself anymore…n more. What I couldn’t understand was what’s wrong with me. As for me everything always normal. Then y ppl complaining. I never ever categorised myself under depression. If so then definitely I am a patient which psychologically start nurturing into ur system That u r sick..This is my way of taking things. So feeling all d time suicidal…in small small matters..fear of social gathering as they are more successful in their lives…killed me Lil by Lil. So one day as I am not into any workout or anything…started jogging…running..stretching….within 4 days I noticed that those vulnerable feelings n thoughts coming to my minds got reduced. I felt more positive. I felt encouraged. So all the friends in this blog…I am sharing my experience..u may or may not agree as per ur choice but I would like to request plz try. As u sweat through running and all other workout….The sweat really takes out toxins that helps I calm mentally even. Whenever you feel like to cry, uninterested, helpless, empty, suicidal, depressed, unemotional, not caring,,,,or anything that makes u in a situation where u just categorised urself underestimation or u can say depressed (I don’t like this word)…without any 2nd thought…RUN…JOGG…if at home…search ur favourite star portpholio…n then search for ZUMBA…or I even like Xhit workout….
    Also when I was under this phase where I felt nothing but death all d time…One thing that I stright did was I went to a plant nursery and bought lot of plants specially the aromatic one, some medicinal and some huge green plants…by doing so was to divert my thoughts rather into gardening…using medicinal plants for tea or face packs…so the total idea was to put my dead brains atleast into somewhere. Trust me this helped. Then I bought a new Aquarium. So I indulged myself into hobby, selfcare and health. Automatically I started feeling more positive, energetic. And days when did not do exercise I got same those depressive feeling. So experimented myself with these and got better in 15 days. So friends instead of thinking urself that u r mentally sick…start making urself mentally fit.
    I also think that poor lifestyle makes us feel more tired and fatigued And so our neurons even get poor signal. So do nothing but increase ur strength. By doing so everything will fall in order…trust me.

    wishing u all a better health, a better life.

  28. Hullo people.
    I am undergoing this phase and I am in very bad situation. Everytym I m just sad depressed and I don’t feel like toking to anyone on earth. I m living a life of lonliness although I have my parents my sibling always around me and a very supportive family still this suicidal instinct exist in me . I feel like to kill myself sometimes with a knife , sometimes in an accident. I m very sad from inside . I loved a guy and v were in relation from past 4 years but from past few months our life is gng quite disturbed… Ups- downs .. Breakups- patchups .but d fact is v both love each other very much but d issues between us are like – anger , ego , family , etc. But dese days I m living a life of hell . I remain silent most of d Tym. I hardly smile. Der were days ven my frst wrds were love u swthrt ,etc vid love my in my eyes n happiness in my heart. But these I just have pain everytym. I cry ven I wake up , I cry befr I sleep , I cry ven I watch movies , I cry bec I miss him everytym n I cry bec I see my dreams getting broken into pieces . I cry bec I love him very much and I m crying bec I nvr thought I will write such thing and would search such thing s on internet…

    • Hang in in there Yash. Don’t know you age or your culture and it’s expectations (I am assuming you are not a native English speaker though I may be wrong). Is it just relationship problems or a mental illness of some kind or both? Maybe someone here would have some good advice if you could be a little more specific. Life here in the US where I live is much different then where you may live. We are all human but the expectations and so on are all different. Again good luck. WN in PA, USA

    • Hi yash, all what you said is all what I experienced and still going through. I can completely understand that feeling, it hurts so much and you can just see less and less people could even just try to understand till zero. I love her so much too, my inside has exploded so many times, the only way is to sleep but every time I woke up and open my eyes , the depressed feelings come back to me immediately . I really hope to die in dream and never wake up to face to this world. But sleeping is just like drug for short time. I don’t know what to do , I can see what will repeat tomorrow but I have to still be extremely sad because of her…….

  29. Hi, I recently began dating a man who is a diagnosed bipolar. He is going through the “dead inside” phase right now, and I would like to ask you guys, what is the best thing I can do to help him get through this? He doesn’t want to talk, he feels overwhelmed, and I don’t want to add to his burden. He ran out of medication about 2 weeks ago, and doesn’t have insurance to go to the doctor to get more, as he is in a fairly new job. I have sent him links to local services that will help him with obtaining meds and therapy, but I don’t think he’s taking advantage of them. I don’t have experience with this, and I don’t want to make things worse by being pushy. Do I need to contact the services on his behalf? Should I be speaking with him daily, inviting him out, interacting with him, whether he seems to want me to, or not? Any advice or insight anyone could give me would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you,

    • This is just my personal advice but everyone’s circumstances are different so alway’s take any advice with a large dose of salt.
      First. Lithium and other drugs commonly used to treat depression and BP are quite cheap if bough with case only. Generic lithium and many other drugs may be as little as four dollars each for a monthly supply in the US. Others may be had at a great discount by contacting the manufacturer as they have plans that greatly reduce the costs as well if brand name medications are needed. Biggest problem may be your new man may not wish to take the drugs for one or many reasons. Most for good reason one way or another, not the least of which is trying to be a man without the help of chemicals. Something men with cancer and so on must never fear. Those medications are accepted by others as needed. Drugs for all types of depression are seen as crutches by most and by taking them one must normally admit to oneself and others that there may be a problem to begin with.
      I would under NO circumstances call any agency of any kind to either persuade or try to force treatment on him. There is a good chance. Far more then most will admit that you will ruin his current employment, His future employment, His freedom and in general his right to be treated as a free human being. In the US this is quite important. He will forever be labeled and any type of sensitive and other types of employment you may not put in this category will be greatly affected. With so many types it may cause more harm then good. Cash payments to Physicians who will work off the books would be preferable would be the best way to go if you know a way to find one.
      Another thing that I believe is very, very important from a mans pt. of view is not to think he doesn’t wish to still be intimate. I know from personal experience and contrary to what is usually though. I love sex and all intimacy even more when I am feeling like crap. In a gentle way of course. Don’t push it of course but make him know he is loved and make him fell it. Only if you mean it obviously. Lies will just make things worse if you decide to leave him.
      Do try to get him out to do things gently and be close to him when you do. If he can’t just wait until he is ready. Never stop though. Once out it usually helps things in that direction.
      I hope this helps and this is what I would hope my woman would have done when I still had her. If you leave, though of course have no obligation not to. Will most definitely make things any better. Real kindness and love from a partner is about the best thing there is for someone with depression. If it is pushed and prodded though it will just make him want to hide. He’s lucky to have you. The one I loved left because of my depression an I’ll never get over it. Ever. When someone leaves you in the depths of sickness you’ll never trust again. Just my opinion, we are all different though. WN

      • Hi, Will…Thanks so much for your advice! I will continue to be tried and true for my guy. I think at this point that what he needs more than anything is unconditional support. I am determined to see this through to the other side, and to help him find himself again. I know his feelings are still there under all the crap that life has seemed to dump on him, no matter how he denies it. I won’t try to force meds or therapy on him. On a happy note, he finally got his insurance process started at his job, so hopefully, he’ll have insurance soon to get back on the appropriate meds, and that should help some, too. I am so sorry that your lady didn’t stick around for you. It also saddens me that you don’t feel like you can ever trust someone again. I hope you meet someone who will turn everything around for you someday, and that you can be happy with her.


        • Yes, I love women just as I hope your man does. Just the sound of women and the smell and especially the feeling when holding them close. Nothing like it to me. If your man is anything like me he feels the same. If he is ill with something like BP he has something that sometimes prevents him from feeling it though. When I was younger BP was rarely used in the circles I was used to. Like most thin the pendulum in these things seems to swing from one end to the other, making BP now overdosed. After many, many years I think I have found a drug combo that greatly helps. The bad still happens. The suicidal thoughts and so on, but as a whole are much better. They are in my opinion definitely helping, the evidence is of course only anecdotal.
          I have pretty much given up on finding a good woman. I wouldn’t want one that wasn’t. The shame I feel for being poor and so on is to much. I do hope though to be less sad in the future and to die just not so sad. Nothing I would more and always makes me feel week saying so especially knowing the virtually non-existent privacy of the computer but I feel these days I must not be like a politician and say what I feel. Hope all works out for you and your man and that life is good to both of you. I love to see people in love and happy. I had it once and there is nothing like it and I wish it for everyone. WN

  30. Well hon, I am a lot older than you – but my childhood was exactly the same. I used my guitar,singing,songwriting & performing to take me out of that world..Mom was an alkie-Rager – chased Dad away, so I became the rage target. And the caretaker to her and my little brother.I want to Congratulate you for your Brave move in reaching out for help. I didn’t and it is taking me a LONG time to heal..I denied it for too long and stayed with her- letting her emotionally & psychologically and verbally abuse me.
    You are much younger and are reaching out for help now! BRAVO. Before I got any Psychological Help for the CPTSD that resulted on top of the Depression;/BP2 I found Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings..They helped me a LOT while I waited for a Therapist/Psych Doc. Anyways.. Things WILL get better..there is help. Sending you a gentle hug. xoxo Don’t worry about the feelings you have shut down – they will come back as you heal <3

  31. I’m 18, yet it feels like I’m just a 90 year old in a young girl’s body. I’ve always struggled with depression, even as a child. my upbringing, along with my emotional issues really had an effect on my childhood. I grew up in a very physically and emotionally abusive setting. my mom and step dad were alcoholics. that’s how they tried to make everything better, but it never worked and I guess they were too gone in their minds to ever learn from their experiences that it wasn’t helping. they never showed eachother real unconditional love and affection, which I think is the reason why I can’t hold a relationship, despite how hard I’ve tried in the past to love someone. they never showed my sister and I any affection either and I think that’s why we both turned out so cold. i used to be really passionate, poetic, and just so youthful despite my background. but I also used to be really sensitive and get hurt over the most trivial of things, but after being g ridiculed for being weak and being a cry baby, I had no choice but to harden up. I think after I fell in love for the first time and got my heart shattered, I began to lose desire altogether for love. He really hurt me in ways that scarred me permanently, it seems like. When I began to open up to him entirely, that’s when he stopped wanting me and thought I was too vulnerable for someone like him. He left me without any closure. said goodbye without his reason and to this day, I still haven’t heard from him. He’s apparently with someone new now, figures. After him, I kind of lost all desire to be romantic with anybody. I started going through a lot of personal shit. I finally left my household after my mom beat the shit out of me and my step dad for the millionth time told me I wasn’t his daughter, he didn’t love me, and wished I would just “die since I’m already so miserable”. I was living in my friends house where I find out her parents were coke addicts and dealers and I eventually had to move out of there after being exposed to that ugly lifestyle. a lot of other really traumatic things happened to me while i was living there. i was raped by someone i once trusted as a friend and thats when i really fell apart. I’m living at my aunts now and I’m safe and everything is peaceful, but I can’t seem to get it right. I have no desire to be around people anymore. The thought of falling in love doesn’t stir me anymore and I sometimes feel that I am destined to live and die alone. I can’t even recognize my own laugh anymore and it feels like I’m using up more energy than I should be faking laughs and smiles and trying to put off as if I have anything inside me. I can’t even hold a conversation with people anymore. I can’t paint or draw anymore. I can’t write and sometimes I have to pull myself by my hair to try and get some creative flow back in my head. I haven’t played guitar in 2 months and my beautiful guitar is just collecting dust against my wall. things that used to make my eyes light up with passion don’t make me happy anymore. things that used to hurt me don’t even scratch my surface. I feel like I’m far too gone and I’m better off dead if I can’t even retrieve my zest for life. I feel so unworthy in crowds and my anxiety dictates me and feels like it’s physically holding me back from progressing in life. I’m still trying. I’m still forcing myself to do things and go out and try and have fun but it’s like I’m lost and I don’t belong anywhere except at home locked up in my room where no one can be tainted by my wicked soul (or my lack of one at this point). I disappear from people’s lives and some have.moved on and others are still trying to reach me but I’m just so afraid of them seeing that im as cold as a corpse. I’ve been getting increasingly suicidal due to this and I just want to find something that makes me feel again.

  32. I’ve been married for 17 years, have 4 beautiful children, pretty successful in the hospitality industry, yet I’ve always had some depression issues. For the past few weeks I’ve felt a shift within myself. A downward spiral starting deep inside. It hit bottom 5 days ago. For the past 17 years I have had to talk myself into getting out of bed in the morning, “for my babies, they need me whole” I would say everyday, this past week I couldn’t even force myself to wake up. I slept almost 3 days straight, I only remember getting up twice to go to the bathroom. I don’t even remember eating, but my hubby told me he made sure I did. The total soul engulfing numbness is indescribable. I have never felt so lost in nothingness. I have no idea what set me off to this degree. Yes, everyone gets a little depressed sometimes. But, when that depression starts to physically shut down your body, its so much more then just a little depression. I have no appetite I’ve eaten 2 granola bars in just as many days. I realized how bad it’s gotten when I (actually my hubby) forced me to finally go to work today. Normally getting back into the grove and meeting new people adds some light to the darkness and some hope to my soul. This week is Spring Break week, our town is flooded with happy families and fun-loving college students, and someone just pulled out in front of me. I couldn’t even get the will or energy to hit the breaks. Luckily they saw me and moved so I didn’t hit them. They say that life flashes before your eyes when something like that happens, I got a void, no emotion, no will to survive, no fear, no nothing. I have a really small car and they had a huge truck.I know I never would have walked away from that had I hit them. I would have drove right under that truck and decapitated the top part of my car and probably myself also. And even as I write this, I still feel nothing for that moment. Right now I’m trying to get me back from the void, to keep me holding on to the shreds left of my sanity and not fall off the cliff, to find my light again in the darkness. Trying to find my “hope”. It helps some knowing that I’m not alone here. Yes That we are all searching for the way out, for the balance to make the void finally fill with light. My hubby does all he can for me, but he doesn’t understand the emptiness. The Dr’s have tried different meds on me, but nothing has been able to touch this. I know I’m broken, I feel the loss in me, see the fire missing in my eyes when I look in the mirror. This is the worst one yet. I just have to remember to breathe.

    • Dear E. Larson,

      I very much related to your letter. I am so down right now that I just want to sit in bed and drink all the accumulated psyh meds in the cabinet with alcohol. I have no idea what is going on inside me … I just feel down, sick, want ever so much to be dead, and yet disgusted with myself for my feelings … as I have a lovely daughter at the house who tries to understand. This life has no meaning for me. So we are born, socialised (well or poorly), educated, had good times with my trys at playing “relationships”, all wrong for me, but I did not see this till too late, had hard time in rationalising my quick decisions and life mistakes, my ” id” having totally taken me over, mind and body. How my children are good people is unbelievable, I see I did well, but not sure how I managed that. I have to live for them. They still need me. But I can’t seem to get past the wiring of my brain that constantly, nearly every 5 minutes is telling me … its not worth it, What makes life great?Even when busy with things you like doing somewhere inside you are constantly analysing past, present, future. Now I have too much time all I seem to be able to do is try to have a conversation with myself in my mind and talkng to myself … get moving – just move -stop it – find another topic to think about rather than your own bloody self and your feelings. I sleep to escape my mind and body reactions. I am not going to commit suicide today or in the near future, but I fear I might in the future. I feel I am a coward to this disease. Like all BPs I am very emotional and sensitive, but I personify strength to people who do not know about the depths of my suicide feelings. I need to work but cannot … just cannot go through the steps. Naturally, the more normal or manic times in my life were more fun, my thinking was simpler then. Just do do do. Since I have had to come to terms that I am indeed have biopolar disorde, that the core of the bipolar condition is depression. What I would not do to feel manic right now ! But the consequences of the mania are unfulfilled ideas, projects, hooking up with people that are truly unsuitable. When in my more normal or manic phase I am biggining to recognise unwise choices and do some backtracking, I can more or less manage, till all of a sudden I can’t,

  33. My experience with feeling absolutely nothing is different. It’s some how easier..yes it always feels like there is something missing but when you lose your heart and your soul entirely, you lose your reason for existing..So feeling completely empty is easier to deal with then the reality of going insane from the pain that caused the emptiness to begin with. So feeling like something is missing is the easiest way of coping with everything. The painful part of feeling complete emptiness is when you start having feeling back again.. It literally feels like your insides are growing like your heart is growing inside you..its creepy and nerve wrecking because there’s always that constant fear of being hurt so bad again and knowing you won’t be able to live through another tragedy..i have felt entirely empty for 6 years and it physically hurt to try and force a smile out…I just started feeling emotion for the first time in six years and honestly I’d rather go back to not feeling a damn thing..

  34. The dead I feel inside is the complete lack of interest or desire for the members of the opposite sex. It started when I was 27. Before I was very nice to my girlfriend at the time bought flowers, cards, gave her lots of affection. As time went on I started to feel the love and passion leave me. Needless to say we separated. But the feeling of deadness and lack of interest in women got worst as time went on. I’m on medication for depression it helps with depression but it does not help with the relationship side of things. I feel like I can’t fall in love anymore it’s like I’m dead in that area. I don’t flirt with girls or ask them out or any of that. There is a serious lack of interest. That’s the kind of dead I am experiencing. There is no interest at all with getting into a relationship. I’m dead inside in that area

    • I wish that were my problem. No matter how depressed I get I never loose my interest in women. I love women. My sex drive is even stronger when I am depressed as well as my desire for women. I know that is very unusual but quite true.
      My problem is no confidence due to being broke and who want’s someone who is depressed. Interesting that you say 27. That, along with 28 were the best years of my life. I had a beautiful, wonderful girl I deeply loved and wanted to be with forever. My illness ruined it of course, though she would never say so or even understood it. I’ll never get over it. When you realize all the sayings about what really matters is untrue and that it is money, security etc. that comes first and so on that as a man like me you can’t provide you loose all confidence and therefore any hope of finding a good woman.
      I know your problem is different then mine but if your like me life without a woman is not much of a life at all. Women are so GREAT. The sound of a womans voice alone makes me melt. They are wonderful gifts to a man and god I miss them. Hope you can work out your problems. I haven’t had much luck with mine. Another William from Pennsylvania. WN

  35. Most days I feel fine but just about everyday I always feel this void in my chest left by some dear friends all who have graduated college and I’m still in high school I don’t like to socialize a ton with new people so they are basically my only true friends and to have them all gone at the same time it feels like everyday I’m missing something in my life but I don’t want to tell them they have enough to worry about I try my best to make everyday the best for them even when it sucks but I miss them tremendously but I don’t want to seem clingy or bother them since I know they have a busy schedule especially since one lives in a different state. What do I do that can maybe dull the void because other than the void all I feel is anger and then I hide it all in laughter?

  36. Emotional hurt is just so painful, being in a relationship and not knowing what the day will end like is making me feel dead empty inside. Then there are days when every thing is fine I feel alone, why should I feel alone when I’m meant to be in a relationship. I’m hurting so bad I put my all into this I feel so SAD.

  37. S Rios,
    I am having a good day today, but sadly understand your words. I too have just started participating with my thoughts. It’s hard to reveal what you’re experiencing to family & friends-deep down I know they just don’t get it. May I say you are not worthless. Have hope, I am giving you my e-mail so you know you have a friend fighting the same fight.

  38. This is the first time I’ve ever commented on one of these sites.but to just lay here and cry and let out all my pain is all I can heart is as heavy as a ton of soul and my mind are completely empty and lifeless.I feel likei am a lifeless any one who talks to me or who is around me is talking to an empty shell of a person.I look at my beautiful babies and just get so sad knowing that they will have to grow up with such an empty worthless mother.some one who can not love them properly like they deserve to b loved and cared for.and I know in my heart I will never feel what its like to love properly and be emotions my words my movements are completely emotionless as I literally am just existing not living.I long for relief of this pain constantly looking up medication reviews treatment anything that can relieve this torture with no luck what’s so ever.I look in the mirror and feel surprised to even see. A reflection staring back at me ,and just wonder who this person is and why is she here.everyday is the same flat emotionless blank torture that I have to force to pretend like I am slightly OK but I am not at all slightly OK I am completely empty hurt and lost I am a lost soul.completely lost.

    • You are not alone in this. I went through this with almost the same intensity that you are describing, but now over time it has got better. Not fully out of it though. At one point, when this lifeless feeling existed, I just wanted to leave the earth (quit living I mean). But some how stuck through it. Now I feel better, but still not the same person as what I used to be before I got into this depressed state. So my advice is be patient, and live healthy. The brain has gone through some chemical change or shock or something, and it needs time to recover.

  39. I went through and am still going through a somewhat very similiar experience. In fact I googled ” I feel dead inside” to find results that led me to your site. It started in around Nov 2013, but I have an idea of what may have caused this. For personal reasons, I shall not post the reasons that led me to this. But I will say, I put my brain throug one more intense shocking experiences/situations. Prior to Nov 2013, (the point at which this dead state happenned), I have been having anxiety disorder, and have been managing this without meds. At that point I still had a good feeling for life and that life has deeper meaning and all that.

    When this happenned, I lost all feeling. I felt all life energy has been sucked out me and there is nothing left. Even the trees and nature , felt somewhat lifeless. I was feeling “How can I live like this”. But since I could trace a cause to it, I kept quiet, and did not see my usual pyschiatrist. A few months later a for a brief moment, my brain felt felt like it came out of it to a more normal state, but then went back to the dead state. It was a huge feeling of relief, even if it lasted temporarily.

    So I feel, if you put the brain through a intense prolonged shock (I do not mean an electrical shock, but some form of intense stress for a considerable period time, could be amotional too), this might happen. I just wanted to share with you.

    Iam still not out of it, but waiting patiently.

  40. Im presently having major difficulties dealing with bipolar depression resistance to medication. I’ve been on this low for 8 moths. It is beyond difficult. I think even my specialist is having problems dealing with it. He has recommended I go into hospital for a time out from my every day mother duties and relaxation. Problems with that my daughters about to do HSC exams. Then my husband goes working away for 6 weeks. Feeling my last option will be ect therapy advice would be welcome.

  41. I must preface what I am about to say by telling anyone that reads this comment that I have not read all the comments posted. Some were wildly off-topic, others repetitive in what one with depression hears many times. That being said, I would like to address the idea of what Ms. Tracy wrote when she stated: ” it’s understandable when escape means death, means suicide – if you think there is no other means available.”

    One always hears that taking one’s life is a selfish act. Apparently, the one who is suffering the most is always the most selfish because they sought relief the only way they knew how. And most of the time, believe me, it is generally an action of last resort, especially for those of us who have suffered for decades.

    I believe that people who think that those of us who seriously attempt (and/or succeed in the act of) suicide don’t realize is that we actually do take into consideration the feelings of those who are around/take care of/love us. It’s like you think we cannot see the suffering that it causes you or that it is or can be contagious to a certain degree. I think it is very sad that this bit of information is never talked about, or is left out of the conversation completely because it may trigger others who suffer, to follow through on an idea that has lingered on in their mind for long time (even decades).

    Trust me, if there is another way out of this emptiness when all other forms of help fail, the taking of our own lives is not what we want to do.

    BUT PLEASE HEAR THIS! Stopping your pain is as important to us as it is in stopping our own. Sometimes, it can be more important. Do you really think it is just all about me, me, me? If you really do think this way, then you haven’t grasped the magnitude of what this illness does to a person from the inside out. And quite frankly, I can’t imagine a non-sufferer to ever fully grasp the enormity of it all. How could you? You don’t feel it; you can’t walk a mile in our shoes; and you can’t fathom feeling the way we do 24/7/365 for a lifetime.

    I am a 52 year old woman. I have suffered with severe treatment-resistant depression my entire life. I have gone through the gambit of medications, talk therapy, CBT, DBT, even subjected myself to electro-convulsive therapy in the hopes that it will alleviate, at least for a little while, some of the symptoms described in Ms. Tracy’s article. I have turned (back) to religion in the hopes that it will help me to find meaning in my suffering. It is a very rare occasion where I do feel a little something called normal, but in all honesty, it is just a fleeting thought like a 30-second craving a one-time smoker has on occasion after quitting.

    Those of you who are left behind after a successful suicide of someone close to you, I feel great sympathy for. It is never an easy thing to go through, losing someone you love, but the real fact is, you, as a survivor will go on. Like any other death, you will never forget it, but the pain will lessen over time. You may not feel very comfortable telling people how your loved one died (and that’s usually because of the stigma that sill remains within our culture). For the person with severe depression, it is hoped this act will finally end of the excruciating torture we live with every single moment of our lives, including the pain and anguish and anger we see emanating from you.

    Please, do not get me wrong here. I am not advocating the taking of one’s own life. I try to convince myself every day that suicide is not an option, but unfortunately, it is, and will always continue to be. It is a thought that never goes away. It is almost like depression and suicidal thoughts go hand in hand.

    However, to blame yourself is a pointless endeavor on your part. Would you ever consider that somehow, you could have stopped the cancer that took someone away from you, or that an accident could have been prevented “if only” you were there to make sure it would have never happened? Of course not. You will grieve in your own way, but you would not blame yourself for any lack of trying in the aforementioned examples, so why do you think you could have stopped a suicide? I am here to tell you that you can’t. It is not a reflection on your person in any way, shape or form. It is what it is. It is solely the choice of the individual. Whether or not you continue to blame yourself for not being able to do something is actually where the selfishness lies. If you, as a healthy, happy individual, can never get over a sudden death like that of suicide (or an accident or illness) is not the fault of the person who has died. This fault comes from within you, yourself.

    I do want people to know that, for myself, I will continue every day – one day at a time – with the hope that a better drug, or a better therapeutic approach will be found that will help me to alleviate this pain. However, though I have made it clear to those who purport to love me in spite of my mental/emotional illness(es), I may not have the strength to carry on. And should that day ever come, it is ABSOLUTELY NOT their fault in any way, shape or form – that they should all accept that this was my decision and mine alone – that it is not to be considered a tool I used on them for not caring enough for me, but as a last resort for peace for myself and for those who have put up with our pain as well.

    In the meantime, I will continue to search both within and without for even just the smallest of reprieves to this abominable illness.

    • Very well written. Can’t think of anything I disagree with. People like Phil below I believe live in a fantasy world and don’t connect at all things like cancer and MI. I don’t even they think MI exists or that the brain is part of the body. To them cancer can affect them but they are too good for MI as some imaginary god makes them special. I think they need to see someone still alive with part of there brain hanging out and still conscious but ill to understand the brain is an organ no different then any other and that there are no special creatures floating in the sky doing anything one way or another. They are like children and very naive and must be quite sheltered or perpetually bury their heads in the sand or similar.
      If they knew how silly and patronizing they sounded to us I would hope they would keep their twisted and again childish misinformed opinions to themselves until they grow up a little. How people like these make it well into adulthood with such magical beliefs will always amaze me.
      The brain again is part of the body. There is no god, no proof of one and ZERO evidence of one. If there is one no one knows its reality any more then anyone else. To me these people are sad and irritating. Also I believe dishonest. WN

      • Will, I appreciate that you understand my point of view that many people have the erroneous idea that it is an entirely selfish act on the part of the sufferer to want to take their own life, however, I did not write my opinion to support any of your own ideologies, nor did I write it to help you tear down another person or their belief system(s).

        I ALWAYS try understand those who suffer as I do. I also try to respect whatever it takes for them to hang on or to help others hang on, even if just for one more day (because we never know if that one more day will be the turning point in their life they have been waiting for).

        So please, do not use my words to help support your words, because I am not talking about the same thing that you are. Not even close.

        • Sorry MCJ, Not my intention to put words in your mouth. Certainly not to tear anyone down. Just to reply to someone who I believe is being patronizing and commenting on something they don’t understand and using a made up entity to wrap up and explain it all.
          I’m getting quite tired of being told by people there is a god as well as that gods particular preferences and morality and how what I feel and do is contrary to such. I think it is a cheap and dishonest way to have a conversation. Also I believe Phil and those like him use this loophole to gain an edge over others and support their politics and personal opinions. As well I believe Phil was doing the tearing down but in an acceptable (not to me) drive by way. WN

          • I believe in God. Does that change your opinion of what I originally wrote? This is a rhetorical question, so there is really nothing left for you to respond to. Thank you.

    • I’m in the sane boat you are. I’m scared. In fact, fear seems to be the only thing I can feel. I think I need others who feel like me to talk to. I don’t know what to do.

      • Jody,

        I hope that you have spoken to a professional about how you are feeling, or a least someone compassionate that you can trust (and unfortunately, family and close friends are SOMETIMES not the ideal people to talk to), but you really need to talk to someone. Call a crisis line, a suicide hotline (even though you may not be feeling suicidal). They will be able to help you find the help that you want and need. Do not wait. I don’t know what the policy is on this website or blog, but I have found a wonderful community of people who suffer as we do. They are people just like you and I, and are there to listen to you, support you, offer you comfort and advice. It is monitored by professionals and is regarded as a top mental health website. It is called The site is run out of Boston, MA and the members span the globe. Please, if you cannot find anyone to help or are afraid to talk to family or friends, please look up this site. You will find what you are looking for. I promise.

        I wish you well and please know that there really are people out there who know and understand what you are going through, and care very much about you and what happens to you, even strangers like me!

        Please let me know how you you are doing from time to time (I guess through this site). And hey! Maybe we will meet up by chatting on the site I posted above.

        All my love,

      • Jody, I’ll leave you probably an empty reply you have hear a million times. Try to hang in there. Try the drugs. They can help. I finally found one that has helped me not think of suicide 24/7. That’s saying something with me. By the way real drugs not the true hope scam type of thing. Real drugs prescribed by real Drs. Even if the Dr. maybe full of b.s. or a fool which most in my opinion are, the drugs are not. Some can really help. If no money steal them if you must. Good luck and fight the good fight. Many are in the same boat and do care. WN

        • No offence, will.nist, but I don’t think you’re response to Jody is all that rational. Take the drugs the doctors – even if they are idiots – prescribe to you? Steal them if you must? What the hell kind of advice is that? First off, she may not need drugs. Secondly, stealing drugs is not the best way to go about getting what one needs. You ought to be more discerning in the advice that you disseminate.

          I think your views and your advice is highly irrational and quite dangerous. I hope you are under the care of professionals.

          • No offense taken MJC. I believe my response was quite rational, if not from the situation and circumstances you may be in but most definitely from my own. No offense meant here also. But you said you believe in god. I’m not just saying that, I mean it. That in itself to me and many, many others who are known as the most rational people in the world absurd in itself enough to almost prove irrationality. I don’t hold that particular belief but still it makes me highly suspect of any other opinions or assertions that come from the same person.
            What I meant about the medications, Dr’s, need, availability etc. is this. The chemicals themselves can work. Care by most psychiatrists is about ten minutes or so from my experience in the US. Similar in most ‘first world country’s’ as far as I can tell. In other countries as a whole I’m guessing almost nothing or even worse. As in is it your fault because of the god(s), their morality and so on, and on. The Dr’s although can be very helpful in the short term by not putting the blame on the patient can’t do much in the persons day to day life. So well so many Dr’s don’t care , blame the patient or othewise dehumanize the ill patient. Also regardless these drugs can be over the price range of most if not all of the human population of those with BP. If you must save your life I personally don’t care about markups by drug companies and “law enforcement’ ect. and so on. Same would be true if my father were dying of cancer. Which he was and I tried to illegally obtain the chemo drugs from India that were scarce even in the US. Home of the free and streets paved with gold.
            I believe I am quite accurate in my ideas about actually obtaining these drugs. Maybe not for the fortunate like you and me but for all of us with this horiable disease. If your treatment wall for you and your loved ones ends at the first world road blocks. Fine, mine doesn’t.
            Not ok to end the comment by saying I should be under the care of a proffesisionals. Please don’t dismiss me, my ideas or anything else. I too can be vicious. Hidden viciousness and paternalism in fact is worse then direct confrontation. It’s dehumanizing. Please stop and engage the arguments without resorting to low blows. It’s the first sign of not being able to hold your own in an argument. WN
            Sorry about the spelling but I’m in a lot of physical pain and can’t concentrate enough to correct it.

            • will.nist: I would like you to look up one thing for me. It is called the Einstellung Effect. Religion was not mentioned, nor was it considered in my response. Attacking you was not my aim. I was sincere when I said you ought to be under the care of professionals, and there are many ways to find help in spite of “living in a first world country.” There are many organizations around the globe where one can look to for some sort of help. And since you clearly have access to the internet on a continual basis, then help can also be found here, too, so your argument for being “unable to have access to any help” doesn’t make sense. I stand by my response to Jody irrespective of your views.

              I will not discuss/debate/argue with you any longer. And it does not bother me one iota that you do not like the comfort and direction that may help Jody.

              I do, however, wish you well.

            • In response to MJC comments made oct, 8-14. Natasha’s site format doesn’t allow me to directly comment so i’ll do it this way.
              First off you seem to 2-3 times now like to make comments then dismiss any response as if it is your choice and yours alone to decide when you allow someone to respond or not. This is what I was taught. As a person who formally decided I and I alone was entitled to the last word. If you wish the conversation to not continue. You make no further comments. You don’t respond then tell the others to cease because you don’t wish to continue. This as you might know is usually a control problem. I as you may already know am not someone who easily controlled as I suspect you aren’t.
              Now to your argument. I did look up the Einstellung effect as you suggested and am actually grateful to you for the suggestion. I admit I was not previously aware of the theory. It is quite interesting and I will definitely be looking into it more. I agree it may appear as if I am a victim or follower of it but let me assure you I am not. I consider variables and outcomes in a far more sophisticated way.
              You being a believer of an absolute answer to everything predetermined and call it God , as you stated yourself makes you suspect to me and many others in your reasoning of anything. Please make no mistake. I am not a “New Atheist” if you may or may not have assumed. I am actually an old agnostic, or however someone would like to label it.
              A “professional”. I think we both decide who is or who is not a “professional”. In response to what you said about there are many ways to find help in spite of living in a first world country. That was the pt. of my comment to begin with. It was also made to those living in “first world” countries but not having access to it’s fruits. One being good medical care and adequate or good medications. A very, very terrible consequence of the undervalued and dehumanized people in these countries. Especially the US who has little concern for it’s most ill citizens and it only gets worse. If you don’t get these basic medical needs met at the convenience of the state then you have a moral right to take them. That was all I was saying. Nothing more, nothing less.
              Yes, you are quite right I have regular access to the internet. In fact I have very high speed access by US standards anyway. On two computers I bought for almost nothing and repaired on my own. I also sleep on a bed completely falling apart and have genetic problems with my spine that I was born with. I live in the highest crime area in the entire city I live in. I have no TV. I repair my own very old car with my own tools wrapped up with tape, knee and elbow pads. I have had these tools for many, many years. I sit in a chair with more holes then my four pairs of pants that I just had to sew again for the fifth time or so. I can’t buy them at Wal-mart because I am 6’4″ and 275 lbs. I buy my glasses online for $39.00 I buy and modify all my car parts to fit my needs. I can’t work because of my BP and physical problems. This goes on and on. I suspect there is no way you could live on this in the US. Praying to non-existent gods does no good.
              I am lucky with my access to good medical care. I can’t afford a psychiatrist @ $185.00 per. hr. the new going rate here. My D

            • (con’t) Was cut off and incomplete reply was made.
              r. retired do to heart problems. I know have PCP prescribing for me who is better then any psychiatrist I have ever had. One of his daughters has BP.
              The sarcasm you use so well shows you have no real concern for me or others. Enjoy believing we all have the pleasures you have. Also remember the power structure may, has it has in the past change and you may find yourself. No matter special you may think you are you may find yourself on the other end. Not all of the poor are fools and we won’t beg forever. We also have family and friends. WN

          • Flagging those you don’t agree with is childish. If you are doing it. Gagging people just makes things worse. WN

      • Regardless of the conversations I am having with someone else here Jody. Please remember I and I believe MJC, Natasha and almost all here really know your fear and your other feelings and how terrible this BP crap is. When I am feeling a little better I like to use my rational side when I am in the grip of the darkness I can’t just like I suppose you are now. It’s my way of dealing with it. Others have their way. If you ever want to talk personally just ask and I’ll give you my e-mail address as I believe most here would. At least if they don’t have a reason threatening their employment and so on. Sorry, if any of us may make things worse. WN

    • MCJ ,
      I feel severe depression these days (after breaking up with my viancee )
      I googled what i feel and found this article with your comment .
      I don’t know you and I don’t know why I am saying this but I felt like I really wanna say to you :
      Don’t lose hope .

  42. Suicide is never a choice. It’s the murder of yourself for which you cannot repent and you’d better be flat-out-of-your-mind mad, and not by substance abuse, to do that or your soul is in grave danger. Even Buddhists, I believe, would see that extreme negative worldly state of mind as anti-eternal-paradise-directed. Don’t despair if yof one’s soul and do pray for it, but don’t think it is light material in the least. Just take one day at a time. As Michael Stipe sang, “Everybody hurts…so hold on”. Life is hard. God bless you all!

    • If it was not choice you could not choose it. That’s business of each separate human being. Can’t say though that it is good or something either.

      • I think Phil is saying if it were up to him he would not allow you to make the choice. As if it is any of his business. Otherwise the post is ridiculious as you say. He not only invokes imaginary thinks in the sky but tells us what they think. Surprise! His gods opinion is the same as his. As well as any gods others may have. WN

  43. I only want to say ,I also experienced all these feelings But for short time.
    I always say myself Is that person is important or myself.
    someone hurt you, I know it is very panic
    But you are very important and this is not your fault ,it is His bad luck.he didn’t deserve you .
    so be happy and feel IMPORTANT YOURSELF
    close to God
    take care

  44. I have a 2 yr old daughter. Her father began sleeping with another woman while I was pregnant. The horror is that I’ve never experienced true joy or pleasure from that beautiful little girl since her birth. I love her. The love is floundering in the depths of darkness but it’s there. But I feel dead. Nothing. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die. I don’t know any way out of it. Is my soul forever smashed?

    • So sorry Lindsey. I of course don’t know the whole story, but it must be rough anyway. Have you considered maybe you have PPD. I am a man and know little about it but have read it can be quite severe. On top of it the father sleeping with someone else makes it exponentially worse.
      If you situation permits it and you can trust authorities and such in your situation try to get some help. Of course money, etc. may stop you. Good luck and too bad for him. I always wanted a little daughter to name after the girl I loved but that didn’t work out. If he isn’t involved it’s his loss unless of course there are reasons for his bad behavior. WN

  45. I’m glad I came across this website and this article. I thought I was the odd one in life. I see I am not a lone. It’s so hard not to feel this way, I keep hoping one day it will change.

  46. I have been depressed for most of my life and I am 56 years old. I am on antidepressants but I am feeling very empty and dead inside. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or be around people. I have been married for 32 years and I have two sons. My sons are 30 and 29 years old. My son’s are not married and I worry that they are not happy. I feel guilty because I have this depression and probably have given it to them. I feel guilty because I don’t give my all to my husband because I just feel dead inside. I guess this is the way my life is going to be until I die. I know how you people feel. This is it. This is all it’s going to be. I have to live with it. Thank you.

    • Marlene,
      We’re close to the same age and it is pretty amazingly bad how we go our whole lives hoping that one day we will feel happy or think life is worthwhile some how some way! There are days that I think, “Hmm, i am not suicidal!” but a few hours later, it hits like a brick upside the head! Was I kidding myself for a moment? I wish for an early death all the time. The only thing I will miss is my dog.
      I do hope you feel better! I hope we all feel better, but that is silly to hope. It just leads us on. so sorry you feel dead inside. it sucks.

  47. Hi there,

    My brother took his life in 2012. Ever since that fateful day, I feel like I died with him. I know the excruciating pain that is left behind after someone that you love takes their life. What makes it worse, is that killing yourself doesn’t become an option anymore. I really wish that it was an option. I saw what my brother’s death did to the rest of my family and I now know that I couldn’t possibly put them through more pain by also doing what my brother did. Yet, I actually envy him, he is truly free from this awful world. I will probably be criticized for saying this, but depression removes one’s blinkers and you see the REAL world for what it is. If this world were such a lovely place, we wouldn’t need police and armed forces to protect us. How many countries in the world do not have a police force? I don’t think there are any countries in the world where we don’t need protection from each other. The harsh reality is that there are not that many people out there who are empathetic towards people with mental illnesses. I had hundreds of friends on Facebook, but when my brother took his life, only a tiny percent of those people passed their condolences to me. It was as though my brother had never taken his life. Suicide and depression is taboo. When we do talk about depression, then it must be only those things that are pleasant to hear. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out like that in real life. My brother tried different antidepressants and went to counselling, but medication and therapy doesn’t always work. I have been through so many different antidepressants and have also been to various psychologists, but I have yet to find something that works. The experts say exercise, well that didn’t work for me either. Some say a good and healthy diet, I’ve tried that too! I wish I could bring back my brother. I miss him so much, but nothing in the world can bring him back.

    • I am sorry to hear about your pain and loss of your brother. Sudden loss of any kind is so hard, but the added questions of “could I have done or said something to stop it” seems to always linger in the back of one’s mind.
      Many people here have lost loved ones to suicide including myself. Try not to blame yourself. The thing about depression is it is really not anyone’s fault per say, including the victim of depression. Deciding to commit suicide is a hard decision, it is not a choice. I do not know anyone who has thought about suicide and not first considered the people in their lives first, but sometimes the pain is just too much to bare and suicide looks like the only chance for peace, and maybe it is. No one fault. You cannot take other’s pain away. I have many who love me, but I hurt. that hurt never totally leaves. For me anyway. Sometimes all we can do is accept things the way they are, as hard as it is.

      I don’t usually like cliche’s but this one is great. “depression removes one’s blinkers and you see the REAL world for what it is” This should be made into a bumper sticker. Amazingly said.

      Hope you can hang in there and that life starts to feel better for you. You will always miss your brother, but try not to let his loss define who you are.

    • You maid me cry with your words . No one understands and never will . Sorry about your brother . All the best to you

  48. I don’t know where to start… I am crying out of pain because this is everything I have lived with for years! I’ve tried explaining it to Doctors , to friends, to family members but no one understood how much pain I was in! This is The truth! This is my Life! Now, how many people who don’t believe depression is serious could still get up everyday knowing that this death lives inside them and sucks away every feeling of pleasure? Would they be as strong as us? I’ve been facing a new day that feels like The same day for over 10 years! A prisoner in a shell of a body…

  49. Shame, for a big tall intelligent good looking man with a good family. White anglo-saxon protestant. All means nothing. Shame, I feel nothing but shame. My family would be better off if I used a bullet. I lost the one woman I loved more than all. I say things I know will be read by my political enemies. I am walking death. I understand love is money and control and nothing else. When I die no one will know these thoughts other than those who also will never be heard.

  50. I have been reading your blog for a while now and I JUST decided to post after reading this piece because this is exactly the place I am in right now. I am Bipolar I. I have been so severely depressed for the last weeks that I couldn’t speak and I could barely move. All I could do is draw. For me art is the only escape. I could not possibly articulate my feelings with words. Your words however made me feel like I am not alone. I do indeed feel dead inside right now. All I can do is try to remind myself that this will pass……..

  51. You know what gets Me ? Like others, when I’m in the state of nothingness you’ve written about Natasha, ( and very well put I might add ! ) I feel guilty because I’m acting, which means that I’m lying. I have a quick wit and my observations towards others allows me to get them to laugh. I pretend to laugh because all of those emotions that were sucked down into the void you described cannot be dredged up when I need them. Like you, I miss out on the emotions of simple joys and the beauty all around. I know what I should feel, but the emptiness crushes those feelings into nothing, which obviously makes me feel that much worse, and so I spiral down until all I can see is dead, dead, dead everywhere I turn. I hope all of us suffering from this type of depression will find some sort of relief in whatever healthy form it might be.

    • i am so glad i found this site. everyone is speaking to me; i don’t feel so alone in this now. thank you natacha and all the others who say what they are experiencing. what a great support!!!

    • Personally if I had large amounts of money stashed away somewhere that I could easily access I would totally give up. I would just sit around and do heroin until I died. Unfortunately I have no such money. As well have never done heroin but don’t know its other downsize other then not being to be able to get the product already acclimated to. Otherwise seems like a good way to die without suicide. As far as I know my life from now is nothing but pain. A fatal accident would be better. More dignified definitely.

        • Denise, [moderated – Will – please DO NOT outline suicide/attempt strategies. It’s not appropriate here]

          I think of these things myself but do not want you Denise to do the same. I really care about you and others. Hypocritically, I just hate myself. I love others like you and hope nothing but the best for you. Try to hang in honey, most likely you will never be in the place or places I have been. I was just talking about finding a way to hang on. Not a way to end it. I of course will not be hypocritical, but try as you must and try to control the shame as I must if that is what you were most worried about. Denise, hope so much for you to feel better. Wish I could do for myself.

          • hey will,

            i won’t get into details, but i did make it to icu, 4 days intubated. made it to the other side, saw my husband. if there’s a next time, it will work. i too am sorry you are as phuqued up as i am. but i am trying to hang in there (no pun intended). you keep trying too, ok? i sure can relate to so many here on this subject. thanks natacha for having this forum.

            • Couldn’t respond to your post in reply for some reason so I’ll do it this way. I do believe in openness and that was my pt. to Natasha. I don’t believe as I have stated cutting people short does any good for anyone. I believe in free speech w/o exception as there must always be the one doing the deciding what is or isn’t appropriate and who are these superior beings to be. As to being sarcastic I don’t remember being that although I guess I may have been. As to owning a gun where I Live in PA. it’s no harder than buying a ham sandwich. As to actually killing yourself I really hope you don’t. I also think about it every minute of everyday and fight it as hard as I can and have been beating it so far. I hope you can do the same Denise, but I also know the pain may be too much for me to bear at anytime and the same maybe true for you. I hope not. I hope maybe there will be some real help for all of us with this problem sometime. Sooner rather than later. If you would like to talk to me personally feel free to email me @ I would also I think I would enjoy talking personally. Could always use a new person to talk to. Hang in there.

          • To Natashasa’s moderation, I can’t really now get into a well thought out response right now as I’m in that place again. This is what I believe though. Moderation is a fancy name for censorship. I don’t believe in censorship at all as I believe it is a prime example of the slippery slope argument. It is normally used as method to for those who don’t agree with another to stop the debate cold in its tracks by claiming something is “inappropriate” or not relevant to the subject at hand. I believe what I posted was quite relevant to the discussion at hand and not instructions on suicide. In addition to that I believe censoring these thing is not “appropriate” as it continues the stereo type that those with this disease are lacking in intelligence in technical ways and their ability to calculate these things for themselves. As well I don’t believe it is up to others to decide who wishes to commit suicide or not and if they wish to they should know how to do it in the most painless way possible. I believe in the free flow of information and without exception. Including those who are not considered rational enough to handle it. Just because someone is bi-polar doesn’t make them irrational. Suicide can be a very rational decision. I was not promoting this with Denise. The opposite, but cutting someone off sends the message that we are incapable of rational thought. This is one of the biggest hurdles with this disease. Proving you are not of low intelligence. I think these actions contribute to that prejudice. Every person should be allowed to weigh what facts are and make their decisions upon them. Remember how the Catholic church read literature first then decided who could handle it. Well I don’t need others to read first then judge what I can handle. Again I have an emotional problem, not an intellectual one. If this is another instance of law I understand. If not I think you are wrong. Thank you for listening, W.N.

            • Hi Will – Understand your feelings re ‘censorship’ However I found your post triggering too and a bit TMI as a means to an ‘end’. I am sure others may have too. Therefore NOT appropriate on this blog. I believe this blog is meant for healing mental health issues. Re the Blog it was such a good description of the feelings when I have felt that huge empty hole inside. My heart and soul seemed to have disappeared.The emptiness seemed to be never ending and filled with unimaginal pain…I just pray I never go there again..The less I know of ‘methods’ the better. <3

            • Regarding Natasha’s decision to moderate, I think she’s just being prudent.

              Suicide is the #1 cause of premature death among people with bipolar disorder, with 15-20% taking their own lives as a result of negative symptoms. The extreme depression and psychoses that can result are the usual culprits in these sad cases. These suicides rates can be compared to those of the general population, which are somewhere around 1%.

              You, or even Natasha, cannot determine which reader is experiencing negative symptoms or not. Also, since her blog is about bipolar/depression, it stands to reason that there will probably be a higher number of people here who are suicidal or experiencing suicidal ideation than, say, the NY Times website.

              It seems more a matter of risk management than censorship.

            • I agree with you Judy on all the facts you mentioned. Suicide is bigger amoungst people who have bipolar. However, I do not see suicide as a big problem. If someone wants to die because they are in so much pain, I think we need to let them make that decision. The only way to make a big decision like that is to talk openly about it. However, being that this is Natasha’s website, we all need to honor her requests. That is the point, it is HER site and she makes the rules. Like she said, others can have their own site if they wish to talk about these very deep things. It is like cancer, you can not take the surface of cancer and say it is gone, you have to dig deeper to get at the root.
              I am grateful for Will’s comments because they felt like they were getting at the root of a bigger issue. An issue that is seldom spoken for fear if we openly talk about it it will make us do it. I personally get relief from that kind of discussion. It helped me to pull out of the slump I was in. I am not a doctor so maybe talking about the how’s are bad for us, I don’t know. I just know it gave me some relief.
              I do love this site and all it’s content and that we can talk about almost everything.

            • To Judy’s comment to me on 1/24/14. I agree with all the stats and all you said. Except the last sentence. Who are these godlike people who determine what others can say and what others can read and what others can decide. I myself and fighting like a caged animal right now to not kill myself, it usually strikes and lasts in this severe for for about ten days at a time. This does not mean I abdicate my right to read and write and do what I wish. Including killing myself. Personally I don’t see myself lasting at most more than a couple more years as my family dies off and my financial situation continues to deteriorate. The disadvantage that those of us who believe in free speech as opposed to those who do not is. I let them speak and they don’t let me speak. Exactly in the way a dishonest person will always have the edge over the honest one.

            • Hi Will

              I find it interesting that whilst defending your position in this matter you did not once acknowledge the harm that may ensue if the content of your comments did in fact reflect ‘instructions on suicide’. ‘Moderation’ in this case is about protecting others, not taking away your rights.

              With regard to your comment “I don’t believe it is up to others to decide who wishes to commit suicide or not…”. You should know that mandatory reporting is a legal requirement of many professions who deal with people in the social, health, education etc sectors.

              As a sufferer of BD II I have found it disturbing to read some of your comments on a variety of Natasha’s Blog posts. I don’t mean to offend you or to ‘censor’ you, but please be mindful that what you do post may contribute to how a person is dealing with whatever phase they’re in right now.

              I hope you find the help you need. Have a nice day!! CB

            • To Lucy. I don’t think you understand my feeling toward censorship at all. I don’t believe in it at all and in anyway. I think we all have a right to say ANYTHING we want with ZERO exception. No one is in any position to decide what anyone else reads nor to even review or put themselves in any position to do so. Paternalism is not for free adults. What if I decided your post here was “unacceptable” that ends it right there as no one gets to hear you. Stop end you don’t get to speak. Sorry again you have no right to an opinion. See how it works when others decide what’s up for discussion, there is none. The end. Period. Who is the supernatural power that gets to make these decisions? Is it you. Is it your gov. Is is someone YOU respect. Is it common sense. Guess that would be YOUR common sense, or is it mine. Oh sorry I don’t get to speak as your rules will decide it. Or your lawyers, or maybe because you have more guns. Do you have a fear of hearing an opinion you don’t like. Are there facts only you should know because you are better able to judge then me. Who decides that? Is you or one of the above. Who is the one to do the editing and pick who get’s to speak and who doesn’t. What does my stance on censorship have to do with what my beliefs are on suicide. On their methods. On how much I care about people. What is the connection you are seeing there. I don’t know what TMI is sorry. I don’t base what I say on what others think about it. I also don’t just read what is written for my ears. That is a true path to ignorance and group think as well as control by others. Is that how you decide what to say and what to read. Do you check with others first. Who are these people you check with. Do you believe they are you betters and ask there permission first before speaking and reading. maybe you are one of those people who gets into an online debate and when you don’t agree immediatley goes to flag the the other as offensive. Then you think in your own mind you have won your argument by gagging the other person. Maybe not. I don’t know, but I do know many forums this has been pulled on me by many people and groups to teach me lesson. It doesn’t change my mind it reinforces that some think they always know better then others. Like the white mans burden from history around the world. May I say that if you censor me I don’t care what YOU have to say. My goal is to get to the truth. You don’t have a soul and don’t bother praying to god, gods, fire, rocks, people, Jimmy Swaggart etc. You have an illness that is your brain just like me and face it and stop with the childish imaginary man in the sky. If you don’t want to hear what I have to say. Move on. Did you read it so that you could decide if it was “appropriate” so you could decide for others. Do you read books to judge for others what they should. Do you watch porn to tell others it’s bad and should be outlawed. Ever wonder how religious leaders know whats obscene or not they either watch themselves or don’t and therefore CAN’T have an opinion. Grow up and start seeing other humans as equal and start trusting yourself a little more and not others. W.N.

            • To crybaby. Yes you are a crybaby. Unlike you I will tell my weaknesses. Of course you have none. Your support of censorship is to go after those who openly discuss there problems and attack them. Don’t think I am not capable of defending myself physically or logically against those like you who use these tactics. Those of a coward, both physically and logically. My e-mail is listed here please feel free to go after me personally I can take it. I don’t think you can. Since you have such opinions and feel it’s so openly OK to abuse others. I wouldn’t censor even if in my power. How about a little about yourself. Are YOU bipolar or do you just look around for people who are for cheap thrills. What are your weakness. Really short. Maybe mommy beat you?
              I think it’s obvious what the results could be from a how to method for suicide. No brain damage, maybe an upset family, maybe a happy family, maybe nothing, maybe some one learns a little chemistry and decides to go to college, maybe a fool gets online for no reason to attack someone, maybe for a good reason, maybe to test someone. Who knows but I guess you will make those decisions for the rest of us.
              Moderation is censorship. Just like “enhanced interrogation techniques is torture”. You know what they say about pi_____ on someones shoes and the rain.
              I think you are confusing legal with moral. Do you know the difference? If someone takes someone into there confidence and on top of it takes their money and in return reports them to abusive police or other wise in payback. This is immoral. I’m sure YOU understand that. Am I smelling a little bacon. Sorry I may have left the stove on.
              I find YOU very disturbing. I’ve been following Natasha for a while and not a single comment from “crybaby”. Am I first you decided to comment to. Do you just follow and protect yourself? Do you create different i.d.s due to shame and the inability to defend your opinions. Come on a little about yourself ? You have bipolar two. How about some personal experiences or again do you just listen to others?
              I think you should me mindful of what id you take and how You respond to others who give there real name, sticks to one id, and shows their weaknesses.
              You do not hope I get the help I need and cant say I feel any different about you. Please a little sincerity or are you incapable. So glad you didn’t say you were going to pray for me. I may have lost my cookies. W.N.

          • Will,

            I appreciate your views on censorship and I don’t believe in it either.

            But here’s the thing – this is my sandbox and I make the rules. If you wish to write about things I don’t allow here, feel free to start your own website.

            You see, I try to make this a safe space for people, especially people with mental illnesses, and things that I don’t believe contribute to that, like name-calling and suicide method details, are not appropriate for the environment here.

            Moreover, people search for ways to kill themselves _every_day_ on this blog and I refuse to give them specific ideas of how to do so here. I won’t be a part of that.

            And finally, these details _can_ encourage people to take their own lives, there are studies that state exactly that, and that’s a behavior I do not want to encourage.

            If someone wants to kill himself or herself, they will certainly find a way, but I’m not going to be pointing to it.

            – Natasha Tracy

            • I understand and appreciate that this is your sandbox and respect that, although I’m not sure how you say you don’t believe in yet practice it. Please explain if I’m missing something. I hope you understand the pt. I was a making about how the exemption of ideas from from a discussion is a form a paternalism that those with mental illness have to do with on a daily basis in most cases. This has been a pressing problem I’ve had to deal with endlessly over the years. I problem I know would be much less prevalent if I was treated to the same standard as those without my illness. I also think you know I wasn’t promoting suicide to this woman who is at least as troubled as me and yourself. It was just part of the larger discussion and nothing more. No need to be angry. I think your blog is very valuable and helpful to myself and others and that is why I continue to read and comment on it. I truly believe safety comes from honesty and truthfulness. I could and may give examples sometime on how dishonesty and masking truth by mental health professionals works in the short run but destroys trust and I believe causes far more harm then good. As well sometimes I think individuals with severe mental illness. I am one of the would prefer and find comfort in knowing when and if the time comes I can do it without undue fear of waking up with permanent brain kidney or liver damage etc. That just my opinion, but I think history bares out the facts about censorship. Take for example these ridiculous holocaust deniers. They by there own ignorance prove what free speech can teach people. In Germany where these speakers are banned rumors are beginning to dominate the younger generations as no real debate is allowed. Free speech w/o exception like science will lead to the truth. It must not be cut short. Finally, I don’t want anyone to experience the hell that leads to suicide and even the thoughts to do do It. I have personally sand into the full depths again of it past 4-5 days. Slight relief tonight. The levels at which you must go minute to minute to fight the anxiety and darkness that is right in your face at 2:00 with not a soul who cares or wishes to listen. Believe me I know the pain. I’ve lost five great friends to it already and have no Idea how I’ve made it this long. I envy normal people so much. I’ve never known it.

            • Natasha, seriously, Will can not give me any more ideas as to how to kill myself. Every day and night the ideas run through my head like water in a colander. I actually smiled and giggled at your post Will. I think openness and some occasional sarcasm is good from time to time. If you start up your own page Will let me know. I’d love to talk openly about it all!
              I would love to own a gun, but for all of you who are scared for us “crazy people” to own one, let me tell you something, I know plenty of “sane” people who own guns. THEY are the scary ones! They kill people! I’d only use it on myself! But they are too messy, i have other plans.

              I love your site Natasha, it is the best one I have found IMO so far.

            • Perhaps it is best to ask yourself how you would feel if you found out that someone actually took their life exactly as you’ve outlined it? How would it make Natasha feel if, in hindsight, she knew she had the choice to moderate, but didn’t? You, yourself, have stated that as you understand it, bipolar is an emotional disorder (I say “mood”, but that’s neither here nor there), so it stands to reason that it is possible a comment like that can trigger someone who is agitated and in a dark place to simply (and impulsively) do the deed. Tragic things can happen very quickly.

              Also, bipolar does not discriminate. It affects a wide range of people – rich and poor, male and female, those who are educated, and those who are not, black and white and every shade in between. If all the conditions are right, even a highly intelligent person who is severely depressed and in pain might take a post seriously.

              Natasha’s decision to moderate is simply aligned with the mission of her blog. Posting detailed, suicide techniques are not.

  52. I felt like this for so long before that I forgot what it was like to laugh. When I did come out of this coma and began laughing again it was like a blessing. It started with a small smile then progressed over time until i was fully laughing. Every time I laugh I thank my lucky stars because I know the torment of feeling nothing, absolutely nothing.

    And yes, you can’t really describe it to someone who has never experienced it before. It’s like telling someone what it feels like to have a baby. You can tell them how bad it hurts but until they’ve experienced it themselves it remains indescribable.

    • In response to Judy from 1/20/14. Unable to directly respond. I don’t believe the ends justify the means in censorship as In most if not all things that I believe are wrong. Censorship is something I am very strongly against. This most likely stems from me having followed my own ideas most of my life and not the status quo or popular opinion. I don’t believe this gets us anywhere. Religion does it, gov. does it, the wealthy do it, etc, etc. This is usually to maintain power, money, control as I always say and almost always has that intent. As well as I’ve said I believe almost always lies and omissions of truth (which censorship is) make thinks worse, but none of that to me is really the point. The pt. is just I’ve said about guns is I as well as all others have a right to speak their minds, just like we ALL have the right to have guns. I don’t put anyone in a position to make these choices for me. I wish to make them. When anyone decides to limit these things to others they to me loose those rights when the power shifts as that is what it all boils down to. As to how I would feel. How would you feel if you taught someone how to drive and they died in a car accident. Or if you smoked weed with someone who tripped and cracked there skull. It was their choice, you have forced nothing upon them. Having said that I would feel terrible, but these are the prices that freedom costs sometimes. The U.S gov. continues its murderous wars using these same arguments to save people from themselves. I believe these types of control are part of a bigger picture that dehumanizes and continues the stigma of the mentally ill. We are to irresponsible to make our own mistakes and to own guns and to handle our own money to decide what if any medications we need, etc. Every hear this statement from anyone in your family before, ” are you off your meds”. Sounds a lot like ” is it that time of the month, he cant help it he’s (fill in the blank). Censorship is just to easy a way for someone to think they have proven their pt. and just say that’s the end. Like a child putting there hands over their ears or the proverbial burying ones head in the sand. Sorry about a little bit of run on etc. I’m a bit tired right now and not doing so well.

  53. Anhedonia (not on my spell checker, please correct if you know better). I think it is normally a better state then agitated depression. Especially when you have no pressing need to act on anything. It’s a bit like death when still alive. Not as bad in my opinion as other modes of depression if you have nothing to do. Otherwise it can be one of the worst. If I could get relief by smoking the illegal (here at least) weed I would. Sadly in me it just causes paranoia. Valium in another way just depresses me more and adds to the problem. It wasn’t always this way. In the past it did work. Now just makes it worse. A few beers or the like with me can usually work for a short while. Until the guilt of relying on a chemical to reach this state of normality that others have without it reaches me. Then I am back to where I began. Nothing is free in this game. Including this short escape. You pay for it all in the end. Then back to blaming the self for a sickness that a cancer victim would never do. Round and round we go.

  54. When I am that way i feel like sitting in a dark corner out of site, But when I can toke a bowl I feel better! :) If you don’t do that, Diazepam helps as well. Just not as effective. Most meds are not !

  55. Elegantly put, accurately described. You’ve been “there” recently, I think, because it conveys that quality of freshness.

  56. I just go through the motions, and having been doing this awhile I’ve become a great actor. I count the hours down until can go to bed as sleep is the only relief I have when the medication isn’t working. I had a really bad PTSD attack that pushed me into a manic episode late last May, it didn’t let up until August. Then depression hit, and I’m just now getting happy. My partner and I went out to lunch, laughed, it felt good. So many people take this for granted.

  57. Depression feels like deep void inside me,nothing will fill.
    Things I normally care about I don’t care at all about.
    My heart hurts,it’s actually physical.
    Hurts to breathe,my entire body and soul feal heavy/ empty.
    I feel almost paralyzed,yet I can’t always say it.
    I can usually,however,write it.
    There’s a difference in taste and smell.
    Food becomes not nearly as good to me,or even beneficial.
    I can’t see the point in even washing my face or brushing my teeth…..
    It’s completely and utterly exhausting & overwhelming.
    You seriously ponder the meanings of exsistents in itself….
    It’s like you’ve retreated died & entered the depths of hell,itself.
    ( pls forgive any spelling errors.not a good day). :(

  58. Natasha – If/When you are there..REMEMBER that this does pass. REMEMBER how MUCH TALENT you have to help others and therefore yourself. I have NEVER read such a perfect description!! Your publishing of this makes ME grateful for every day that I am not THERE. I mourn the absence of joy on my life..but in remembering that I HAVE, and ANYONE in that deep – WILL come out the other side gives such HOPE. When we are there – we need the CONSTANT – DAILY reminder that it WILL HAPPEN – it WILL pass. Easier said than done if Isolating – I was grateful to have a good friend who phoned every day to remind me of that..told me things that help me from entertaining ‘THE THOUGHT’. Today – I am also grateful for that experience (sort of) It gave me the KNOWLEDGE that I CAN live through it and it will pass..If ever I head that way..I have that knowledge to chase the panic away. xo

  59. The absolute pain (and it is literally pain like that of horrendous nerve pain) one feels when one feels nothing. Every breath taken is laborious, as if breathing through thick muck. The crushing weight of the depression, pressing farther and farther downward. All you want it to do.. IS END and you really don’t want it returning and you eventually get to where you do not want to be 2 years down the road and STILL battling it. It is life snuffing and for every battle you win, a huge amount is lost.. a huge amount of your spirit.

    So, go run to the MD with the scripts and take the pills or capsules or sublinguals or shots or drink the liquid… and still, it returns. Do the ECT or do the transmagnetic thingie… and still, it returns.

    Bipolar depression IS NOT depression…. it’s literally life killing.

  60. Natasha, you took me right back to remembering where I once was. This article has touched me in many ways, from remembering what was once the only day to day experiences I had for some time, to remembering to be thankful I got through it and can now have a reasonable life living with bipolar.

    Thank you, an extraordinary piece of writing, head held high on this one.

  61. This writing is like you got in my head and read my mind. Anhedonia is the worst part of my life. Pretending to care about anything is almost impossible when A grabs hold. You are an amazing writer Natasha, thank you.