A Damaged Brain and a Mind Trying to Deal with It
My Twitter bio says I have, “a damaged brain and a mind trying to deal with it.” This confuses a lot of people. It’s OK. I get it. Most people don’t differentiate between the mind and the brain. But I do. In fact, I consider it a critical distinction for people with a mental illness.
Your mind is who you are; your brain is just what you are.
Bipolar Disorder Attacks the Brain
People don’t like that I say I am bipolar. People argue this suggests that all I am is bipolar. Well, it doesn’t. What it suggests is a grammatically correct English sentence that expresses exactly what it needs to – I am a person who has bipolar disorder. Much as diabetics aren’t just diabetic alone, being bipolar doesn’t make you bipolar alone either.
But again, I understand their point. I am more than bipolar. Of course I am. I’ve spoken of it many times. But I make that distinction without difficulty or without the need for wordplay. I understand innately that bipolar disorder has attacked my brain and I yet I am still as me as I ever was.
You Brain is a Computer
An overused metaphor, to be sure, but you brain is a computer. Information in, information out. Input and output. That’s all it’s good for. It sees a stone and tells your body to step around it. Extremely important, yes, but not the essence of who you are. Your brain functions on memories, instinct, learning, logic and judgement calls. But it makes the simple calls such as red means stop and green means go. You don’t need a personality to make that decision, but you do need a functioning brain.
Your Mind is You
Mind, on the other hand, is a much less tangible concept. Mind is defined, in part, as,
1. The element, part, substance, or process that reasons, thinks, feels, wills, perceives, judges, etc.
2. The totality of conscious and unconscious mental processes and activities.
Which is fine, I guess, as far as it goes but the human mind is more complex than that. Yes, the human mind tells you that you’re sad when you watch a tear-jerker, but it also tells you why you’re sad. Being sad isn’t merely a logical decision or a rational judgement call; being sad is part of who you are. It reflects your personality on a deep level.
Natasha lives in my mind, or, more precisely, my mind is Natasha. My actual me-ness is held in this very ethereal concept that can neither be fully described nor explained by the greatest scholars or philosophers. We’re like that. Human beings. We’re slippery little suckers.
My Brain has been Attacked by Bipolar Disorder
As I’ve said before, my brain has been attacked by bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has come in and changed structures and chemistry and hormones to the point where my brain no longer functions normally. The output from the computer is suspect.
This is unfortunate because the mind uses the output to make decisions. The output is how we perceive the world and what our mind has to go on. If the color is red, but the brain perceives green (as in colorblindness) then the mind has no choice but to see it as green.
In other words, the brain now functions as an anchor to the mind. The mind is the same as it ever was, collecting information and becoming you all the more, but now it’s hampered by broken bits.
Why Does the Brain / Mind Differentiation Matter?
The differentiation between the brain and mind matters because it affects our sense of self. We are not our illness but this isn’t true because we say it is and it isn’t true because of wordplay it is true because it is true. And the only way to understand this truth is to comprehend the difference between the brain and self. The body and self.
And this understanding goes a long way to making one feel better about having an illness. People tell me they feel alone and like “freaks.” I understand this. It seems like we are. But our consciousness, our unconsciousness, our subconsciousness that runs beyond the brain is the same as everyone else’s. Our links and our similarity are undeniable when we understand who we are – in our totality – rather than simply what we are – a collection of body parts.
21 Responses to “A Damaged Brain and a Mind Trying to Deal with It”
Leave a reply
Your comment may be moderated. Comments that do not follow the commenting rules will not be allowed.
Hi Natasha,
Thank you very much.
I am here for the first time. Read a few blog posts. Diagnosed Bipolar before 10 Yrs. Well, it was Paranoid Schizophrenia first, Bipolar Disorder second time, Bipolar Disorder in general but with each episode having more of schizophrenia or Bipolar the third time, more of Schizophrenia than Bipolar the fourth time, well , last time I met my Psychiatrist he confirmed it is Bipolar. I went to 4 different psychiatrists: first two diagnosis from the first one, rest of them one to one. I had to change my psychiatrist since I moved to different places due to my work: software. All of them agreed it is still a ‘hazy’ field – psychiatry. Some time in between, by reading reliable info on net and with the support of a Self Help Group, by constantly questioning the docs, and more importantly by looking in to myself in between episodes, I thing I am in grips with the condition. That insights I got by analyzing my own state says: mind and body are two different things, interdependent on each other: again much used metaphor: software and hardware. The hardware, the brain, is the medium through with the mind works, brain along with all the senses is the input/output port of the mind. When the susceptible gene is activated by the environmental factors or on its own by factors unknown, the brains starts to malfunction. Most of the time since the environmental factor is the emotional element of the mind (which feels stressed out because of any reason ) , we mistake the illness is ‘mental’. What I mean to say is, the mental components like ‘emotions’ can also trigger the gene, which in turn can cause neurotransmitter &/ hormonal &/ biological changes. Once this starts the brain starts malfunctioning and mind in turn starts malfunctioning. They are acting & reacting on each other continuously and the situation becomes bad to worse to worst….I do not mean to say it is a chicken and egg problem. I mean to say it is a brain disease and that could be triggered by mind itself. Not every person with mental stress get Bipolar or Schizophrenic ..At the same time among the twins with the same genes : in 50 % of the cases only both of them get the disorder. But yet it is a brain disease. For me this model gave the clue to solve my problem, to reduce the pain, and for the past 4 years I am on maintenance medication, having got no episode. Never got blown-up once I got this. In the 6 years before that, in the initial time, when I was not in control, and when I was in control of my brain and the conflicting and mostly “not sure” and ‘hazy’ material available I had more than 4 full blown episodes of mania with less corresponding depression episodes and the last manic episode which was 4.5 years back I was on a lot of medication. Oh yeah..they will start saying now that there can be long ‘normal’ periods in between episodes. Well, let me see. No one can decide my future after all, till it unfolds.
The point is : it is a brain disease, and I , the mind, can empower itself to deal with it pragmatically.
-Adithya
I thought I should also add that in the past 4.5 years I was on maintenance medication for a period of approximately 1.5 years,on and off, and that is only on the advise of my psychiatrist. It was never my decision. I try to manage it with my mind and get the brain evaluated by my psychiatrist. Of course, knowing fully well that, the doc evaluates my brain by the status of my mind. The brain and mind are two different things but they do reflect each other like mirrors while at the same time being themselves. It was very simple for me to understand this, but as much difficult to explain in words. May be I am incapable, may be words cannot fully describe something out of which they are coming out: the mind.
Hi Adithya,
Thanks for your comment. I think you’re a good example of what I was talking about. You’ve had a pretty tough road it sounds like but you’ve been using your inner resources, like your mind, to try to deal with it.
- Natasha Tracy
I do not believe in this mind/body duality. I believe that you are your body. Your brain stores all the memories which make up your story, who you are, your personality. Without your brain, there would be no Natasha. Furthermore, the part in our brain which makes us human is the frontal lobes. It’s the part which gives us creativity, aspirations, and the likes. If you lobotomize someone, chances are the person they were before will have disappeared. I do not understand your point here. What is the mind? Do you believe that we have a soul which is immaterial? I feel like if I were to bring your argument to its logical conclusion, our mind exists apart from our body. This would mean that we are immortal souls or something. Or did I understand you wrong? Look, here is how I see it: we are material beings. In the case of Phineas Gage, an injury to the brain dramatically changed his personality. He was no longer Phineas. Once you’re dead, you’re no longer Natasha. Everything you are is as much a product of your material body as bipolar disorder is. So when you say bipolar disorder has a physical origin as opposed to love, happiness, sadness, compassion, which apparently don’t. They all have the same origin.
My second to last sentence was not properly formulated. What I meant to say is : “So when you say bipolar disorder has a physical origin as opposed to love, happiness, sadness, compassion, which apparently don’t, I disagree.”
Hi Eva,
I’m not surprised that some people don’t believe/understand the mind/brain duality. In my experience the people who understand it are the people who have to because it’s what saves their sanity or those who have put a lot of work into it.
I’m not talking about a soul. I’m talking about a mind. They’re not the same thing. Understand that “soul” and “mind” are concepts and not places or things you can point to. All the complex issues in life are dealt with by metaphor.
I would agree, without my brain there would be no me. The mind cannot exist without a brain (or body, for that matter).
The brain does all the computing and sure, it aspires and creates just fine. And yes, it might stop doing these things were it to be injured. But that doesn’t negate a need for a mind with which to handle these things.
But the mind only gets the information sent to it by the brain and thus if the brain is hobbled, so is the mind to varying degrees.
Again, these are metaphorical concepts. I doubt a scientist is ever going to find a “mind.”
But that’s not the point. The point is that human beings exist beyond their body, beyond physics and beyond time. We just don’t perceive that all that much because we’re busy being all alive and corporeal. But there’s a piece of us that gets this. Even if it’s a tiny piece that fails to talk to us on a regular basis.
I have no doubt that when I’m dead I’ll no longer be Natasha.
And I would suggest that all emotions have a physical origin. We don’t choose our feelings, we choose what to do with them. That’s organics and the mind at work.
- Natasha Tracy
So sorry Darcie! My post was actually meant for Natasha. Happy to chat with you too!!
It’s nice to be able to chat here; am currently having medication issues. We had an outburst of extreme negativity in our home (our daughter, 8, is showing early signs of bipolar, she has a “diagnosis” of “negative temperament”). After this outburst we decided to medicate for the times she can’t “get the bad thoughts out of her head” at bedtime. The child psych prescribed a very low dose of seroquel, as needed. Anyway, after the outburst from her (about a week ago) – the Seroquel suddenly seemed to stop working for me and I was waking every hour, just like I used to pre-Seroquel. So went to the psych and the seroquel was upped to 600mg plus a sleeping pill added. No luck! First night I took 600mg and the zopiclone I was up on and off and then woke in the am with my head spinning like crazy, ended up vomitting for an hour. For two nights after I couldn’t lay on my left side or this intense spinning sensation came on – I dozed sitting up in a recliner. Until today, have been hypomanic during the day (today am sluggish). After the episode of vommiting I called the pharmacist who suggested that the increase in seroquel combined with the anti-depressent i already take may have started serotonin syndrome; he said to just take the zopiclone and take the seroquel in 100mg increments if I couldn’t stay asleep. So, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 8 days and am losing sleep like crazy, seem to be withdrawing from the seroquel on top of it. For me, so much of the disorder has to do with dealing with negativity in life; when the people around me are sane and sleeping, I tend to do the same. Any kind of fight or flight response seems to send the brain into sleeplessness.
Hi Darcie,
Getting through stressful times is difficult for anyone and, of course, even more difficult if you have a mental illness and I find that sleep is the first thing to go. Have you tried all the tips I posted on how to sleep well? http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/good-nights-sleep-brain-training/
Good sleep hygiene can make all the difference. And, as you’ve said, when you’re not sleeping you’re more likely to have mood episodes like hypomania, which then, inevitably will lead to depression.
I’m so sorry to hear about the vomiting – that can happen with zopiclone. I’m very surprised to hear that a pharmacist would suggest serotonin syndrome because more seroquel would _decrease_ serotonin, not increase it. Serotonin syndrome happens when you take too many antidepressants (and other drugs like street drugs). And if you _did_ have serotonin syndrome it would be a serious situation that would need immediate care. It’s not the kind of thing to just ignore. See more here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/serotonin-syndrome/DS00860 See your doctor if you’re concerned.
But, of course, I’m not a doctor.
- Natasha Tracy
Thanks Natasha, I saw my regular doctor and he diagnosed the issue as positional vertigo, NOT medication related. I wonder if the pharmacist held beliefs about ‘over medicating’. Anyway, am back on the regular dose of seroquel with the zopiclone until my sleep levels out again. The zopiclone is supposed to just be temporary. Thanks for the support here.
Hi Darcie,
Unfortunately, I have come to question the advice of anyone who is not my doctor because I just don’t know their position on political issues (potentially) like medicating. Pharmacists are not immune to such things and I wonder if sometimes they are worse because there’s no accountability there. They just offer advice and then you’re off – there’s no relationship necessarily.
Anyway, I do have one piece of advice about the zopiclone that is contentious – be careful about taking it or you can become dependent on it and it won’t be temporary any more. If you use it only when needed and then possibly taper down to get off of it, you should be OK, but just so you know, that’s a drug that’s known for dependency. (That’s just my opinion, of course, you should always talk to your doctor.)
Happy to help when I can. :)
- Natasha Tracy
Hi Darcie. Glad to have stumbled onto you. I think that is the best explanation ever. I have depression and anxiety. Not really sure how bad. Just finding out that I am non-functioning without meds. At first I was angry & disappointed for having to rely on a pill to even exist. Tried natural alternatives but I guess not strong enough. So I applaud you for telling the world about your bipolar status. I have chosen to keep it a secret lately. I told a good friend once and never heard from her again! My children couldn’t play with her children anymore and I chose to lie to them about why. So I feel people will stay away because of this. It’s not contagious! I guess I should be grateful that there is medication at all.
Hi Chrisetta,
Thank-you.
It’s hard to find out you can’t live without meds, but some of us are in that boat. It may not always be like that, or it may always be like that, but either way, you’ll move forward.
It’s really tough to tell people and some people will leave. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is. I’ve had people leave. I think most of us have. But I can tell you that the best people will stay. I can understand how difficult it is when it affects your kids like that, but in the end it’s a life lesson for both of you. When you choose to share it, of course.
No, it’s not contagious but that doesn’t mean people aren’t afraid. Ignorance breeds fear and that’s usually what’s behind it. Usually the person just doesn’t really know what bipolar is and they’re scared of what they’ve heard or seen on TV so it’s a learning process. Which doesn’t make it any easier on you, but maybe if gives you a bit of understanding and compassion for them too.
I’m grateful for meds, and many people are, but it might take you some time to get there. That’s OK. It’s a process.
- Natasha Tracy
My thoughts exactly! Indeed, I resent the alternative “label” so much preferred in the mental illness care society – the woolly, all encompassing, “mental health disorder.” ‘No, folks – I know you mean well but I want to be called A Bipolar because that is what I am … as well as being so much more.’
Hi Graham,
Yes, that’s a personal preference thing. Some people would think they were insulting you for calling you that!
But I understand, it’s what I am too. No need to beat around the bush about it.
- Natasha Tracy
Spot on comparison of mind/brain. I consider my bi-polar disorder to be a product of mal-wired physiology. My mind is fine. I think the more people learn that mental disorders have a physical origin the more accepting and understanding they will become.
Hi MaryAnn,
Yup, mal-wiring is as good a descriptor as any.
I agree, I think stressing the physical causes of mental illness helps improve acceptance I just wish I didn’t have to work so hard at it. We should have to “prove” our illness to people. But we do.
- Natasha Tracy
I love every part of this. Great explanation!
Hi Yvonne,
Thanks.
- Natasha
Very good description of the difference between the brain and the mind. I take a major anti-psychotic to sleep and function properly, my bipolar brain forgot how too.
Hi Darcie,
Thank-you.
My brain has forgotten a lot of sleep details too.
- Natasha Tracy