People Who Attempt Suicide Don’t Want To Die

There are frequent reports that of the people who survive suicide attempts, they realized sometime after the pills, or the gun, or the jump, they didn’t want to die. This is obvious. No one wants to die. People who attempt suicide don’t want to die.  They want to be out of pain.

Hopelessness Creates Suicide AttemptsPeople Who Attempt Suicide Don’t Want to Die, They Want to Be Free of Pain

It is obvious that every human wants to live. No matter what their personal circumstance each human claws against death until they either don’t see it coming, or they feel there is no alternative for them.

Many people actually have no problem with that – we call it doctor-assisted suicide. The reason it’s “OK” to kill yourself near the end of your life is because it is medically certain you will be in agony for the short remainder of your existence. In this instance doctors just turn their head while a little extra morphine is administered. Happens all the time.

Bipolar (Mental Illness in General) Isn’t Considered a Terminal Illness

No one, however, recognizes mental illness as a terminal illness. It can never be determined to a medical certainty that the rest of your life will be lived in agony. Even though it might be. Tomorrow might be different. Magic might happen. A unicorn might walk through my front door. But probably not. Tomorrow is probably going to be exactly like today. Only it’ll be Saturday. Yay.

Depression Deprives People of Pleasure, Causes Pain

The problem with a disorder like depression is that pleasure is simply absent. Pleasure in all ways is gone. Desire is gone. Depressed people don’t like anything. Depressed people don’t want to do anything. And even if something extraordinary were to happen, like a unicorn in your living room, it wouldn’t matter. Because the ability to feel pleasure is gone.[push]I don’t want to die. I just really don’t want to live. Like this.[/push]

And if anhedonia weren’t enough to make life absolutely pointless, there’s the adding of pain on top of it. Pain on top of pain on top of the unbearable, unarguable knowledge of more pain. And still, the fact is, I don’t want to die. I just really don’t want to live. Like this.

Hopelessness Makes People Want to Die

And on Tuesday, the doctor I saw basically told me to give up. She told me medications weren’t going to help and I should just work on maintaining a chronic condition. I would not be her patient. There was no point. It was hopeless. Treatment was hopeless. I should go to therapy. (Like more than the 15 years I’ve already done.) A doctor telling you to give up is the definition of hopelessness.

I would suggest a woman like that wants me to die. She practically rolled out a red carpet for me and shoved me into death’s spotlight.

And see, it’s hard to get thrown out by a doctor. It’s hard to have the psychiatrist, one person who’s supposed to believe in you, give up. In this case, a person who didn’t even know me. A hard and heartless stranger decided it was over. And it’s convincing when someone with a medical degree says it. They seem right. Of course I’m done. Of course it’s hopeless.

I Feel Hopeless. I See No Reason Not to Die. It’s Kind of an Issue.

So, what I really feel right now is hopelessness. I feel like there is no point in anything, at all. I’ve always wanted to slice my wrist with a piece of broken glass. So I did. I didn’t see any reason not to. I was hoping I would be found in a puddle of blood on my kitchen floor. So I wrote in my blood, “It’s not your fault.” It’s not. It’s hopeless. That’s no one’s fault.

And I got really drunk. I never get drunk. It’s bad for crazy people. But if life’s hopeless, then it doesn’t matter.

And then last night I got really high. Like really, seriously, fucked up. I wondered what it would be like. And now I know. Normally I would never do that, but without any desire to live, without any hope, there’s no real point in being reasonable.

I wonder if it will go like this. I’ll waggle from idiotic thing to dumb, dangerous thing until something kills me. I think I might. I don’t really see any reason for it not to.

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About Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.

Natasha’s New Book

Find more of Natasha’s work in her new book: Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar. Media inquiries can be emailed here.

  1. What of those of us who have a physical desire to harm ourselves? I don’t want to hurt, and I can’t explain it, but I see myself hurting myself — over and over and over. It won’t go away.

    • One time when I was at home I got out some checkers and a big empty trash can. Whenever I realized I was thinking about suicide I would throw a checker into the trash can. It made a huge ringing sound. Often my family was home and I would still walk over to the kitchen table and toss in a checker. I did it at night and woke people up.

      It’s interesting that if you do something annoying and strange, but it doesn’t hurt anyone, you can just insist you are going to do it, that you aren’t going to explain it, but that it is important to you. Most people will buy that. This is especially true if you are ill and they have already experienced some effects of it. The checkers were nothing in comparison.

      Anyway, that was effective for me. I had a plan, I walked over and executed it. There was a loud noise and, when I missed I had to go find the checker. I suppose it allowed me to go through a symbolic set of mental and physical actions that replaced the self-harm. At least that was the idea.

      My suggestion is, think of something like that.

  2. Finally it was over.
    There you stood, quaking in the presence of all that is good decent and pure.
    Blinding was the whitest light, many have spoken of, You feel unbridled ecstacy.
    But only for a moment, for it was not yours to feel.
    6 Seraphim levitated in your sight, whispering with tearing eyes, They turned away in unison, downy wings whooshing…, they ascended..
    It wasn’t their choice
    It was yours.
    You took the other road willingly. That black and muddy path filled with denial, ridicule, and suicide.
    Suddenly the air was a cacaphony of wailing and shrieking. Louder came it’s vile sounds.
    You froze.
    Evil had now arrived. You could smell it in the rank and rotting air.
    Unbearable was the scent.
    A tsunami of grief swept over you, as you watched your very soul take leave of you.
    You felt the color of sorrow.
    Yes, evil has shown itself. You try hard to turn away..but his bony meatless finger beckons you to him.
    You weep.
    Evil owns you now. It was the choice you had made.
    You surrendered the most sacred of gifts.
    Your life.

    In the foggy distance you hear the golden and anguished voice of God crying out…”why? Why did you deny me?”

  3. Only the Keeper of Time Will Tell

    A companion was I.
    And no more than that.
    As Time was peeling away
    the layers of our very mortal
    existence that we don’t want
    to realize will ever come to an end,
    In thought I found myself, hobnobbing
    on command in settings where even the
    context was phony at best and a complete
    anachronism irrelevant to the preciousness of

    Time.

    “What do you want?” asked the Keeper of Time.
    “I want to be an artist in love; unwasteful so”, I said.
    “Well, that, Traveler, one cannot conjure up and demand.”
    “It is not you who is in control of your petty wishes and desires;
    I have all mankind to worry about. You are but a
    spec, a single organic root contaminated not by me,
    but by ignorance, greed, and lust. I am opposed by the
    Devil picking out souls to feed his hunger for more human
    executions that announce the end of our stewardship of this

    Earth.”

    “Why then”, did I ask the Keeper of Time,”why do you get to
    decide when it is my moment to vanish, chased by hounds
    patiently waiting at the gate when the bell sounds announcing my last
    breath, which hasn’t even completely left my weakened lungs?”

    The Keeper of Time would not speak again, but when he rested his
    head on a rock millions of years old, he said, “I witnessed the
    birth of this rock; I was the companion during its long journeys to new
    destinations. I followed its path without obstructing it and saw mortals
    pick it up and throw it away not for love and respect, but for want and

    Ignorance.”

    “And so, Traveler, will you, too, be at the mercy of the ignorance of
    Others. It is not you who decides what fate awaits you; it is Mercy or the

    Devil.”

    Just then I felt a heavy thick blackness surround me,
    and when it was steadily squeezing my throat, the fiery red
    light, a para lethal apparition in so many of my dreams, floated in
    front of me, and with one blow released me from my companion duties
    and screamed until all I could hear was dead silence. Depression
    lifted from my soul. The Keeper of Time was dressed in a soft white gown.
    Weightless and Timeless, I had found my final resting place, my

    Destination.

    The festering apostolic Demons cut from my haunted mind, my restless
    deteriorating crazy brain. Mercy bestowed by the Devil; who knew.

    Where were You, God?

    • i cry all the time..tears flow like a fountain.nobody loves me.nobody cares.how will it end.im here.please somebody love me.why do people hate me?.why?.kids are cruel.i hate you too.thats right.i don’t care anymore.you are all evil

      • any time contact me when u want some one i will not judge you really actually i know the pain i will always be there for you no mattter what..after all sun rises for all my friend i love whoever u are

  4. Your basic premise is wrong. I want to die as I hate life. No pain involved. I just hate life.

  5. This is exactly how I feel, and have felt for years. Medication, therapy, electric shock treatments, and the only thing that has changed is I’ve come to accept that I will feel this way for the rest of my life, however long I choose that to be. I’ve done and am still doing the therapy. I go to my treatments. I exercise. I sincerely attempt to change my thought patterns, behavior, and beliefs. Sometimes I feel like I’m able to come out of the fog, but when I fall back into the hopelessness I just feel more silly for thinking there was hope. My first suicide attempt I so badly wanted to be successful. My mind snapped when I made the attempt. This depression isn’t something that the people in my life understand. I don’t understand it either, so how could I expect them to? I see the pain it causes them, and I’m left feeling like a burden. I try harder or am left wanting to be gone more. I’m waiting for the next wave of darkness that will cause that mental snap. I think I dissociated. My first attempt I used a knife, and my second a razor. My third attempt would be successful. And, yes I agree: I don’t want to die. I want the pain to end. The selfishness of it is a reason I fight the feelings, but that also makes me angry. I do it for my mother. I fight for my father. I know I should fight for myself, and sometimes I do. I look at my scars and wish I’d have been successful. People who don’t go through it do not understand, but why is empathy so difficult? My brother and ex-husband think it is an incredibly selfish act. I understand where they’re coming from, but then I’d also like them to spend a little while in my mind to see what life is like on the other side. I lie and tell people I’ve been in a car accident.

  6. So yeah. I am thinking of ending my hopeless life. Too bad I am currently at the moment where I find everything amusing. I enjoy life! but I need to end it now. I’ve been lying to myself, my family, and to my friends for almost 5 years. I have made this decision 4 years ago. I was pretty naive back then, and still am. I have a problem, well everyone does, but I wouldn’t tell you about it. This is the only thing that I couldn’t fix no matter what I do. These past years made me numb, I couldn’t feel anything except for satisfaction. I cannot feel the pain anymore, I forgot how does depression feels like. It might be because I have suffered long enough to forget it? I know I am pretty much lucky compared to other people. People are suffering, and here I am, wondering how does it feels like, again? I spent my nights crying, thinking how I should end my life, back then. And self-harming was my hobby. I made a deadline to end everything, and that time is near. It’s pretty dumb but I can’t take it anymore. It’s funny how I forgot loneliness, depression, being stressed, the pain, and everything except for happiness and contentment when in fact, I am nearing my deadline. I think I might be prepared to end everything. I noticed how much I changed these past years. From the crybaby, to someone who couldn’t even cry. From the kind person, to a selfish human being. I love my parents, I love everyone. I love my life, and it would be my pleasure to end it. To the Past me; Oh Dear, you are so stupid. To the Future me; Dear, you are still stupid. And to the Future me; If you will still exist someday, then I want to tell how proud I am. You played your game well. There might still be a lot of trials that you’ll need to face. But remember Dear, LIFE IS ONLY A CRAPPY GAME. BEAT THE LAST BOSS AND BE THE MOST BADASS PLAYER ANYONE COULD THINK OF.

    Thanks for letting me share my feelings. I know it’s shitty and naive. But still, Thanks.

  7. I need your help :( I really wanted to attempt again suicide :( I don’t want to die but I have so much pain inside me, I always condemn myself :( I hope and pray that those people who make me feel bad about myself will realize how cruel they are :( I’m tired, depression is killing me, and one way of escaping my reality is to write but I am not that vigilant anymore, I take no pleasure in anything that I do :(

    • Hi Rovelle Kate,

      Please, please, please send me an email lauradw941@gmail.com

      i’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist or anyone who even studies mental illnesses. But i have been in an extremely similar position to what you are in now. I wanted to give up, i tried on numerous ocassions but i found hope. I don’t know you, i don’t know your story, your life, your family. But i do know that i will do all i can to help you through this. I promise you i will stick by your side, whether it’s midday or 4 in the morning. I will help you get through this and i will do all i can to make you find hope and not feel alone.

      So please, send me an email, tell me what’s wrong, let me try to help you.

  8. I have the entire grab bag with my bipolar disorder the MOST misunderstood is self-inflicted injury. I know my body and understand that this is a desperate act to prevent suicide. It’s even more hopeless when others find the acts lunacy and disturbing. They say no story is like the other, but I look at actor David Strickland who took his life in a seedy Vegas hotel room. His mother said something that really resonates with me. David was a wounded dog that needed help but wandered lost in pain. This disease is insidious. David ceased taking his medication (lithium) which I did as well because it really is an awful drug for some. David began to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. ALL OF IT IS A DEAD END. Thanks for reading.

    • Hi Matthew,

      Bipolar disorder is a horrible thing to have to live with, any mental illness is. But it is never a dead end. There are always ways out, sure they’re difficult but in the end they’re worth it.

      • Hi Laura, I read your posts on natashatracy.com and I felt compelled to contact you. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, so I’m kind of going out on a limb here…anyway, I wanted to thank you for the positive and warm way you responded to the article and the other posts, and say how encouraged I was about what you said. You’re doing a good thing.

        • Hi Kate,

          Thanks for the reply, I just remember how alone i once felt and don’t want anyone else to feel like that. I think mental illnesses are the worst kind to suffer from because so few people actually understand them as an illness you can’t help. If someone finds out they have cancer for example everyone gathers around them and makes them feel loved but more often than not when someone finds out they have a mental illness such as bipolar disorder other people run away and tell them to get over it. If you do ever need someone i’m always here. And thanks again for the reply, it’s nice to know that it’s reached someone.

      • people think they know it all about the disease..no you don’t!!..nobody knows how or what is going thru another persons mind..their words are bullshit!!..oh..it’s ok..everything is gonna be ok..you don’t know!!!!!!!..i got no fucking balls..i wanna die..i don’t hae the balls to do it..judge me..tell me it’s gonna be ok..screw off!!!!!!

        • At no point did i say i knew it all about this disease, nor have i ever said everything is going to be ok. There are two times when words are bullshit; either when they’re not sincere or when they’re not listened to. You’re not the only person going through this, you’re not the only person who wants to die, you’re not the only person who wishes death upon themselves but is too damn scared to actually commit. You speak like you’re alone but you’re not. Research shows that around 12 percent (450 million) of the world’s population suffers from a mental disorder; that’s one out of every four people around the world. But on a realistic scale it’s probably closer to a quarter of the worlds population. Sure, a quarter may not sound like all that much but when you stop thinking about it in numbers and start thinking about the amount of people that is it’s scary as fuck. People don’t say that everything is going to be ok to piss you off in any way, they just don’t know what else to say. Like you said, nobody knows how or what is going through another person’s mind – even if someone has bipolar they don’t know what you’re going through- but people who don’t even have bipolar are even more clueless. They rarely understand the gravity of the illness and don’t realise that saying “it’ll be ok” is no help at all; sometimes they honestly do believe that it will be ok. And you know what, some day it will – you just have to hold on to that hope i guess.

  9. so many comments about talking to friends and family. i have no one. not everyone has a support group

    • Hi mark… I hope this finds you well. I understand that feeling. I don’t really care to talk a lot to people because I feel they don’t get it. I suppose I reach here and do find support from a lot of people here who understand. :)

    • Hey Mark, theres a lot of people who feel the same, like they’re going through everything on their own, possibly feelin like noone cares. Either that noones there or they feel like they’d be burdening someone by opening up and sharin. If you do want or need someone to talk to you can always send me an email and i’ll get back to you as soon as i can. I know i’m not family or a doctor or even someone you know but sometimees talking to a stranger can help. So feel free.

    • There are many people who share your position so you are not alone. If you feel alone try contacting a group that chats to people with problems. The problem with depression is that you can feel alone in a crowd or withdraw from those you love. You need to go against this pull and get out and meet people. Many people shy away if you mention depression so try to talk about something else. One way to meet people to ease the sense of isolation is to get a dog or join a group. Many people care but many are also busy. Book in to see your doctor and find a therapist to help you make goals to improve your social life. If the people you know make you feel worse off or are abusive then you are better going somewhere else. If you have no family then build your own group slowly. Get up and out and start to speak with people. Keep speaking to people until you find someone you like. Support groups can be built from scratch by showing interest in a person and starting to build a relationship built on give and take until you start to feel closer. go online and join a group playing a game. You need to keep trying and soon you will find someone to ease your sense of being isolated. You are not alone. See you just received support from a stranger to reassure you that what you are feeling is normal but can be helped. Good luck.

  10. Not sure if I am bipolar but I feel so guilty all the time. And it is so killing me. Purposely did wrong, harmful and hurtful things to people around me but they still love me I do not understand why. One thing for sure I feel so undeserving of the love. I feel so shitty.

    • Hi,

      You sound like you have some great people in your life, maybe they can see that something is wrong, that you’ve changed and so they want to stand by your side through thick and thin. You’re lucky to have them with you through this. Everybody deserves love and so you shouldn’t feel shitty or guilty. All i can suggest is to open up to someone close to you, tell them what you’re feeling, really let them in. Maybe then they’ll be able to help you overcome this. Good luck.

  11. To anyone who reads this.

    I don’t know how you found this page but seen as the most likely reason is because you feel lost, alone, suicidal i want you to know that i’m here for you.

    I know that everyone has their own way of dealing with pain; i’ve tried everything though and nothing works. Sure, drinking helps in the short term… you forget about your problems and eventually knock yourself out. But then you wake up in the morning and feel just as lost as you did before you opened the bottle. And you have even less motivation than the day before, you feel like even more of a waste than the day before, you feel even more like you’re ready to die than the day before. Maybe getting high works for you; but where a simple spliff helped yesterday you need a line of cocaine today; each week it’s something more until you’re homeless, bankrupt and even more worse off than you are right now.

    I don’t have a sad story to tell; i never had a hard life. From everyone elses view i had/have a great life. But what they don’t understand is just because materialistically i may be well off.. it doesn’t mean i have a good life. I grew up with a sister who lied and betrayed me, parents who thought that i’d get over something if i got a new pair of shoes, “friends” who bullied me and forced everyone else to do the same. I was happy once, i know i was. But now, i just wish i could remember what that felt like. Even when i was bullied i was ok, i’d go home and my best friend would be waiting on skype for me and he’d make all my pain go away; i thought i was doing the same for him, until his brother told me he’d killed himself. The truth is, i do want to die. The only reason i’m still here is because of my best friend – and it’s not one of those cases of “because i know that he’d want me to be strong”. no. truth is i’m here because i couldn’t bare putting someone through even a second of the pain that he put me through. I think about it every night, i think about ways i could die that wouldn’t look like suicide but then i put myself in other peoples place. I think of the car driver that i wish would run me over constantly blaming himself for not driving better, i think of the paramedics in the ambulance blaming themselves for not saving a life, i think of my parents for blaming themselves for not seeing the truth sooner. Because that’s the thing about suicide, no matter how many times you write “it’s not your fault”, “there’s nothing you could have done”, “this was all me”, “please don’t blame yourselves” in a letter, every person who knows you will blame themselves.

    If you feel like shit, you feel suicidal, or just lost; whether you’ve been feeling like it for one minute of for years, please just send me an email or reply to this comment. Please know that i am here for you. And whilst i can’t promise you that i will have any brilliant advice or that i’ll even know what to say, i can promise you 100% i won’t say “i know what you’re going through” because noone ever does. No matter how similar a situation you have had with another person you will both have different feelings about it. You’re feelings and your mind are one of the most unique things you have and so no one in this world can say “i know what you’re going through” if they’re telling the truth.

    So, please put down the broken mirror, the razor blade of the scissors. Take a deep breathe, wipe your eyes and know that i’m here for you.

    Stay strong.

    • I hope that you are getting some help to help deal with these feelings. Years ago I went through a difficult patch and felt suicidal and hopeless. Thank God the feelings lifted and have never returned with the same intensity of pain. What are you doing to help to lift your mood? Have you a way to block negative thoughts if they get a hold? Do you have a goal that can help to shift your focus? i wish you well and do hope you get help if you are feeling suicidal. It is not a good or safe place to sit. everybody can rebuild a better life with a healthier routine and small steps that grow into a stronger base to prevent you from falling back into a dark place. please do not accept this dark place as normal or your mood as beyond help. All the best. Please start to build some safer blocks or find someone to help get you out of this dark mood. xx

      • Hi Chris,

        Thank you so much for your comment – i find it amazing how sometimes just a stranger saying something like that can make you feel so much better, less alone. You mentioned having a goal, but more often than not it’s the goal that brings me down – all my life i’ve had so much expected of me; it was always me who had to get the a grades, win the competitions, get a great job. It’s only this year that i realised so many people expected so much from me because they believed in me. But realising that has made me want to be so much more than i am, i want to chase my dreams, i want to get a great job that pays well, i want the life that they always expected me to have – but the difficulty in achieving it is overwhelming. I’m lucky that my suicidal feelings have lessened for now – i just try to stay busy and don’t allow myself to think dark thoughts. Naturally, it’s impossible to keep them away all the time but where i was once thinking about it all day everyday i now only think about it a couple times a week. I find that working as much as i can, keepin myself busy, helping other people out and just doing things out of my comfort zone are really helping me to grow into a better and happier person.

        Thank you again so much for your comment.

        I wish you all the best.

    • Hi Laura,

      Can you drop me an email so that I can write to you.
      This just seem to be a good option.
      I am close to end it.

  12. Its true that I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to end and I feel like death is the only option. I had a pretty good first three years of life, or what I remember was good. When I was four, however, my cousins would lock my up in a closet with no food or anything. When someone found me, they didn’t believe what I said and listened to my cousins, who argued that it was just a game of hide and seek. One of my cousins raped me when I had a sleepover there. Of course, no one believed me because I was little and they thought I didn’t even know what I was talking about. After my grandma died when I was five, my family grew into depression. Soon enough, my dad had to sell our house and he moved in with my uncle, while my mom and I moved to an apartment two hours away from him. At first, I believed my dad left because my uncle’s house was closer to his work. As I grew up, I found out it was because he liked the parties and fun events his siblings would hold at my uncle’s house rather than my boring self and busy mom. I also found out that I wasn’t supposed to be born, that I wasn’t planned.
    I had many scars when I was little, such as a circle-shaped burn from a motor engine on my calf, scars from when I was abused, and a scar on my ankle from when a metal had stabbed into my foot. I was made fun of, especially when I wore skirts or dresses that showed my legs. I felt ugly and I compared myself to other girls, who had perfect skin. I still do now– I have many back acne scars that cover my entire back, some on my neck and upper chest, and my face as well. People would say things like, “Ew, look at her body! Isn’t she ashamed to show all that in public?” I lost most of my self confidence after that.
    I know a lot of people at school, and they talk to me from time to time. Other than that, I am usually quiet and just watch other people joke around happily. I see people having best friends they’ve known for years, that actually care for one another. All the times I had tried to make friends, they used me, betrayed me, and talked behind my back. The one friend I trusted for three years, she left me, saying I was just a piece of dirt and I should die. My second best friend left me, thinking I was a traitor because of a situation that she only heard one side of and didn’t give me a chance to tell my side of the story. She chose a friend she knew only for three months rather than me, someone she knew for more than a year. My third best friend raped me. He apologized afterwards and I had accepted it due to the fact that we knew each other since elementary and I really trusted him and believed he didn’t mean it. He confessed he liked me and we went out. I was blinded, and I should’ve left right when he raped me. He had raped me the second time. Soon, I realized he cheated on me this whole time, and he disappeared with that girl to a different city, and had zero contact with me. I regretted ever forgiving him the first time, and I regretted that I lost my first kiss to him. Other people have these romantic stories of their first kiss and I’m afraid if anyone were to ask me, I wouldn’t be able to answer. “Oh, I got my first kiss when I was raped.” I felt like an idiot and ashamed of myself.
    My mom and I argue everyday, every minute. Of course, I admit I’m at fault sometimes. I can be selfish and careless, which gets her angry. But sometimes, she just doesn’t understand me. She tells me that I should change and start helping her with things. When I do help her, she gets mad when I make a mistake and tells me to ask first if I dont know. When I ask, she tells me to shut up and do it. She confuses me and I dont know how to make her happy. She gets angry and judges and accuses me of things without giving me a chance to explain. When I get frustrated because of the wrong accusations, I blurt out my words without waiting for her to finish and tell her my explanation. She calls me disrespectful and that I dont care. If I dont get all A’s, she says I’m careless and stupid. She calls me a burden when I make mistakes and tells me she’s happier without me. She compares me to other people and say she’s ashamed to have a daughter like me. I try to help, I try to make her happy, but because of mistakes and trying to explain myself for things I didn’t do, she says all these things to me, When she read a note on my phone that I wrote talking about how I wanted to die, she told me, “Okay, go ahead and die.” She talks about how she’s sad and disappointed because of me when she doesnt realize what my family and friends have put me through, or the extent of the stress that I have from all the studying. I get depressed because I feel that I really am a burden and I am useless. That’s why none of my friends stayed with me. One, because I was no longer good use to them, and two, because I was only burdening them.
    I don’t like being alone. I just feel that it’s better that way. When I go to family parties, most people don’t remember my name or they don’t care, so I just stand in the corner all alone. At school, I’ve stopped putting an effort into making friends. I’ve also stopped trying so hard to find a guy that really loves me. As for my dad, I don’t beg him to stay with us anymore. Although he does visit us, it’s just not the same.
    I’ve cut my thighs. I tried isolating myself. I even starved myself. Like I said, I dont want to die. I’m just trying to end the pain I’m going through. I feel useless to the world. Out of the billions of humans existing on this planet, it wouldn’t make a difference for one to disappear, would it? No one has tried to understand me. Not even my family or friends. I dont even have siblings, Im alone and I have nowhere to go. I have never been able to imagine my future, and I think its because my mind is telling me I wont have a future. No one accepts me for who I am. No kne gives me a chance at anything. No one cares. But I dont need someone to care because of their sympathy towards me. I need someone to care because they accept me despite what I’ve been through, because they just want to be with me. Not a single person has done that, and Ive lost hope for it now. I’ve been alone my whole life, so why should I expect something now? Thanks for taking the time to read my boring and long story.

    • Julia,
      I know how you feel. I may have not been by your side when those things happened to you but when you read what I write picture yourself in a hole. I’m down in that hole with you. I want to get out to.
      I’m a 10 year military veteran. I have also lost all hope to live. It’s a chore to wake up and deal with people who have no clue how unhappy I really am. I have a terminal illness from drinking. I drank to stop thinking of things and to be able to sleep. Now that I’ve stopped drinking the last six months have been so painful. I have nightmares everytime I fall asleep. I can’t work to support myself. I feel embarrassed and like a leach on society. I’ve changed in so many ways. I’ve been through 4 different therapists and feel like no one is ever going to understand. I just want to die. There is only one thing that keeps me here. Hope. There might be that one person who can change me. It took a wrecking ball to fuck me up. Maybe the only way to get better is to just let myself feel worse. It takes energy I’ll tell you that. Try letting yourself do that. I’m doing it right now. Fuck people who don’t understand. Tell them to fuck off. Get in a fighT. It feels good to get angrY. It’s a way to get through a day I’ll tell you that. I don’t Have answers. I don’t have a solution but know that other people are feeling the way you are. Hopefully that helps. It helped me to read your ststory.

      • Get some help. Turning angry is part of a symptom of PTSD associated with trauma but it alienates people and may feel good for you but sure hurts the one on the receiving end. How can people understand if you do not share how you are feeling? Sometimes you need to build a balance between finding ways to relax and ways to stay connected. many will understand as long as you warn them why you may need space to calm down. Chronic anger will eat into your gut and cause more problems if you don’t find a way to work it off – physically and emotionally. Meditate. Relax. Deep breathing. Time in nature. Heavy exercise. Do something to shift this mood and find a point of calm and peace. please find some help. Even if it is only online tips. You need to change yourself. You hold the key to the solution. A therapist who deals in PTSD will be able to provide an anchor while you find healthier ways to react. I wish you well. if needs be, scream at a tree, but try to find a better outlet for your rage than hurting someone else.

  13. I was just diagnosed with bipolar. I’m on mess but the feeling of hopeless feelings. My family would not understand (father etc..) so I keep it to myself and husband. I want the pain to end so I’m going to try the meds for a bit and see what happens. I don’t want to jump with such a permanent fix…

  14. Here I am…not feeling to great…looking up posts…i see the dates are today/tomorrow…maybe someone can answer my question. I have depression and takr pills. I have thoughts of suicide quite often…including now. Am I just feeling sorry for myself, or the ‘poor me’ I’ve heard from someone I love…or am I generally suicidal. Rhe last time I felt this way, I thought I’d take all my pills…but I’m nearly out so I dont think I have enough.
    When is it being suicidal vs. Feeling sorry for yourself?

  15. my life is so pointless. Im constantly in pain mentally . i mean im crying as i write this. I swear if one more horrible thing happens to me im going to lash out on myself…. take the blade do it quick and let it go. I have nothing. my life is a joke. im 34 and have nothing to show. no one wants me. i have very few friends and i neglect them. my family loves me but knows im a waste. ive wanted everything to be over for a long time and now with the string of un fortunate events and my new found love for herion i dont see myself lasting much longer. I m jealous every time i hear about someone dying in an accident. I think why couldn’t that have been me!!! its not working this life im done with it

    • I read your post & could of swore I wrote it, I’m crying too BC last night I tried & failed, its never gonna stop, I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, hang in there buddy, I just wanted u to know I read your post & I feel it too

  16. The I’m tired . Tired of everything. I don’t want to live in disappointment. I can see everyone feeling neutral if I passed. My mother left me when I was a newborn. Never had someone to look up too . No one to dress me for school or do my hair as a little girl . I was alone going to different families to look after me . No one really did it was just about the money. Going to college in 5 months. But recently thinking for what ? I can’t afford it . Why be here if I’m unhappy. I’m scared to have a boyfriend. Not a social girl. I’m scared to be disappointed and scared to disappoint someone. Tried killing myself about 3 times I’m trying to overdose it’s not working. I’m not doing it right . Can’t seem to find the right pills to do the job . I hope I’m not here by my 18th birthday. Because I know I’m going to spend it alone. I sound ungrateful because I know there is people with illness fighting for there life’s but I just don’t want to leave there’s nothing to live for . Please I wish I can just leave this world and finally be in peace . Please please please please please please.

    • Hey Idontknow, I’m sorry to hear about your rough past and the way that you currently feel. I normally don’t participate in a lot of online forums, but recently discovered this one a month ago when I responded back to someone else. I feel much like you in the respect that your tired of your situation and that you are more reserved. I have always been more reserved my entire life and not highly social either. I can, in certain ways, relate to you when you say that you have fears. For a while now, I have been struggling with severe anxiety and depression (and numerous other issues too). Every day I feel is a struggle and many time I say to myself, “I can’t do this…….not anymore. Something has to change.” I have had suicidal thoughts too, but I have rationalized that I will not act on them because deep down inside I do want change. I just turned 24 this past January, have not finished college yet, have only been in a handful of relationships in my life (I have had fears of disappointment too), have only a few friends (had a lot more in my past, but a few people I know online and my twin brother are currently the only people that I trust), don’t go to crazy parties or have celebrations, and feel “lost.” I do believe that in time, and hopefully sooner than later, I will be able to find a path in life that will bring me happiness. I want all to be happy who truly suffer because in reality almost no one deserves to carry “pain” with them constantly. You are young (I’ll obviously assume your 17 from your post), bright, and have your whole life ahead of you. I believe that you can find your way in life and will end up living a fulfilling life. You need to try and decide what makes you happy and follow yourself. My whole life I listened to others or did “what was expected” by general society only to realize that I know myself best. I have regrets, and worry about the future, but I think to make change people need to try to live more in the now and try to worry less (which is difficult for me due to my anxieties and current life situations). Don’t beat yourself up over small things, try to minimize the stressors in your life and try to relax. You are right…there are people around the world who are in worse situations than us, but you are not ungrateful. We all can’t take on all of the burdens of the world. I know that I will never truly understand what you are going through, just as all of the people I’ve met in my life most likely could never fathom what I have endured (and still endure). I just want you to know that I believe in change and I believe that you will change for the better. Just know that people will be there for you and that I think you will live a life that is fulfilling.

      -Drew

    • you are too young to die..you have just started this journey..you will have many ups and downs in this journey..choose the right people to be around..that is the answer..yes..there are many assholes out there..but there are many good people too..don’t give up..people really do love you..god loves you..fight..fight hard..life is precious..you will get thru this..i promise..keep busy..surround yourself with kind loving people..there are so many people like you..life is hard for everyone..life can change for you in a new york minute..i am sick..but i don’t wanna die..i fight every day..i am not happy..but i keep thinking it will change for me..you are young..please give it a chance..it’s a big step to kill yourself..i have been there..good luck to you..you will be fine and make it thru this fucked up world

  17. I feel like committing suicide… I have been feeling this way for a long time… my life has no meaning… I think my family will be happier if I die…. nothing much to say… just want to end my life….

  18. All these thoughts are awful! My mother suffers from bipolar & depression but she tried to commit suicide by overdosing last night. She said hurtful things to everyone in the process and now she’s in the hospital hooked up to a ventilator. I don’t know I guess she felt endless pain and maybe even alone But she had her family even when her dark thoughts wouldn’t let her see it. No one should ever take their lives there’s always help and AL WAYS hope. No matter what.

  19. I just don’t want to be in this f*** up world . I have no friends and my 4 kids hate me … And my mom don’t care about me . She only cares about my oldest daughter … She could care less for my other 3 kids .. They are all grown up and don’t need me anymore. My mom asked like she hates me she lost her son my brother to ALS and I know that she wishes it was me instead of him she favored him do I just want to die. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to feel any pain I just want to go to sleep and never wake up how can I do that please help me…

    • Lisa,
      Natasha has a resource link at the top of her page called “get help now.” We all need to reach out for help at different times in our life, and there’s no shame in that.

  20. There are times I keep on crying and crying without any reasons, like when I am typing this right now. Most of the time also, I always want to sleep.

  21. Oh my God, it is really horrible. I agree with the reason why many people want to end their life. They don’t want to die, they want to end the pain/s. As for me, contemplating to end my life would seems endless. If not only for my Catholic upbringing and for being a coward, I would be in a cemetery how many years ago. Also, I am thinking of my family, some people who loves me very much. Severe depression is really a big devil in my life. Severe depression is also the main reason why I didn’t experience a normal life.

  22. I am an 18 year old girl and I really want to end myself. But every time I try to do that, I think of my parents. I don’t exactly live with them. I am in a college dorm. Just thinking of them makes me burst into tears. My dad once told me, “Sweetheart, the only reason we’re still living is because of our kids. If anything happens to you, I would never forgive myself…” Those were his exact words. My mom? Hell I hate her. She’s been tormenting me since idk like 8-9 years. I have a younger brother and she loves him a lot. I don’t resent him though. I love him to death. He always sticks with me and supports me. She never says a word to him, but she always verbally abuses me. I put on a straight neutral face, but deep inside it hurts me a lot. I say things back to her because she insults my dignity and honor and I will not let anyone do that, let alone my stupid mother. Recently, her attitude completely changed and she would seriously abuse (verbally again) me for every thing that goes wrong even though it isn’t my own fault.
    I cry myself to sleep and my brother (he’s 14, turning 15 in 2 months) supports me. He sticks with me and comforts me every day. He doesn’t like mom either. My dad grew tired of her tantrums too. I asked him why he still stays with her. Why can’t he just divorce her? It would EVERYONE’s life so happy. He only replies in one way, “I love her, Stella. Simple. But you’re right. But sometimes…keeping a family together is the most important thing in the world.”
    He believes that a family should always stay together. I understand, but my mom just has it out for me.
    3 months ago, I learned that she tried to abort me because I was a girl. She had an abortion before too. My older sister. My mom aborted my older sister too. I always thought it was a miscarriage. She lied to me all these years. I lost complete respect for her. I loved her when I was little, but all I feel now is…pain.
    She might cry for a day or two, but that’s it. I know that my dad and brother would be devastated if I really followed through my suicide plan. You know? I feel terrible.
    I am a girl who values morals, her honor, and integrity. If I am denied all that, I could care less for anything else.

    • Hey Stella.. hard to give you advice when im down hearted. Lol. Im 33 years old and my advice to you is wait it out for a few years. You are still very young and positive opportunities will come knocking alot for you in life over the years to come. Weather the storm! Take care hun!!

  23. Im a 31 year old male from Canada. My life has had some ups and down, some bouts of depreesion but nothing i couldnt get through with a few joints. I work in the oil field, hard life but it pays pretty good. My fiance and i were living in a nice appt in Edmonton, trying to save for wedding and house. August 31, 2013 was our wedding dare. End of may i started to feel great like really great. Work was easy, needed three or four hours of sleep, i was happy, up beat, energetic, loving. I loved it. I had watched the documentary “hungry for change” and started juicing a few months prior.
    I didnt even consider a doctor, are you kidding me? Best i had ever been. I had no clue what bipolar was, just something to do with crazies.
    I started getting weirder and weirder, fluxuating from grandiose to mean from happy to aggressive. After maybe twoweeks my poor fiance was freaked out and flew to her parents. About three days after that i stole 2 vehicles, uteree severa threats, broke into two house and rammed a cop car with a stolen truck.
    I have just been reintegrated into society two weeks ago.
    I lost my vehicles, i lost everything i owned, my criminal activity is on google, my reputation is ruined, family and friends think im crazy or a junkie or a criminal or all three. Im on probation so i cant go back to my profession, im in a city i have never been to and know noone, i am told i will be sick the rest of my life and on meds the rest of my life.
    Im depressed, obviously, and cant seem to muster the strength or hope to start to rebuild, especially since this may just repeat itself. What a curse, what an absolute fucking curse. If you dont understand then you dont understand and shouldnt leave “its always darkest before the dawn” messages, i can get those at church.
    Im thinking plastic bags and zip ties

    • Joshua,
      So you are newly diagnosed as bipolar? I won’t give you any catch phrases for comfort. I was told I was bipolar 2 years ago. The 1st year was really rough, finding the right meds, the right dosage. Denial, anger, why me, going off your meds cause you think you’re OK. Then when the Dr says you will have to take meds the rest of your life just to come close to function as a human being made me want to smash the shit out of something. I messed up a lot of things in my life being bipolar, but I’m slowly rebuilding it thanks to my meds. I hope my bluntness helped-you can do it.

      • It was good to hear, sometimes it feels like i am the only one who knows how it feels. Thanks for your time, i appreciate it.

        • Joshua,
          Hey, you took a chance and found this site so you are trying. The things you listed didn’t even phase me. As a matter of fact, my list is even longer. It’s a daily grind. Only other people with a mental illness can grasp what this life is like. Keep reaching out, it helps.

  24. So I’m just really struggling right now. My life is really busy and in trying to balance sports, my job and junior year. I also am trying to make time for my friends and my boyfriend. Well recently my friends have been acting weird and I get the feeling I annoy them so I’ve like backed off and then they’ll be like hey lets hang and then cancel on me last minute and recently three of my best friends lied to my face and said they were just going to stay home and then all went and hung out together. So i basically feel like I’m losing my friends and on top of that my parents are putting a lot of pressure on me about my grades and college. Also this year I’ve started drinking and smoking and getting into drugs and my life is spiraling out of control and I don’t have time for anything and I have really become numb to the world and I honestly can’t see myself going to college or having a life after high school. when I think about raising a kid or anything I just have no motivation and I just want to end it and I feel so lonely and sad sometimes but then so numb and uncaring sometimes and then both sometimes which is really confusing and I think I just want to end it after senior year because to be honest I really don’t care about my future and I don’t think I’ll have one and the loneliness is really hard and my parents are frustrated with me because I don’t care about things I used to or about things I should but I don’t know how to care and I really don’t. I fight with them all the time and my mom cries about it and I think it would be better if I just wasn’t here. I really doubt my “friends” would care and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend just uses me for sex and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating on me and my parents basically told me that I’m a pain in the ass so maybe it would be okay if I just went away. I really don’t know what to do

    • Hi Anna, I was reading through comments and I saw our situations were really similar, and I want to let you know that you are a great girl surrounded by shitty people and please move somewhere, like go off to college or find something you’re passionate about and do it for the rest of your life, or help people in these sites because that always makes me feel so much better when I start feeling this bad. Horses help me a lot, too. I care, Anna. I want you to stick around because you have great things coming and idk but you can do it. It will all be ok. Your soul is just a lil’ sick but it’ll get better if you hang on. Like having the flu or something. Please stay, I think you are so worth it.

  25. I feel so sorry for young people who actually succeed in ending their lives. I always wonder if they really thought they’d die- or if they, more likely, envisioned their parents/friends/significant others’ despair or guilt, or figured someone would save them in the end, or they’d just do a botched job and save themselves. That is how I always felt- I had some quite light… I don’t even know if you’d call them “attempts”- and worst, when I was 19, taking a bunch of pills after I’d been drinking. I just wanted to show my parents how much they were hurting me, and have them stop- I never once really felt like I wanted to die, at least not that night- but I ended up in the hospital the next day with the effects from the pills. I was lucky that I took something that did no lasting damage- but since then, any time I hear about a young person who has killed themselves- well, it makes me feel very sad. It /always/ gets better, and usually pretty quickly, when you are that young. The problems are /never/ as bad as they seem from the distance of a few days later.

    I can’t really understand long-term, serious depression. I am lucky enough to not suffer from it. My life has a lot of stresses, and definitely some sadness. I have a lot of anxiety, and some situational sadness. But overall, I’m happy. I’m broke, not working, getting a divorce, in a custody battle over my son- and yet, the despair isn’t their. How people like Robin Williams end up where he did…. it’s a mystery. But I ended up on this page, wondering if others who have succeeded in their suicide attempts really wanted to die. It seems, like me, they probably didn’t. I hope all you who are suffering get help and feel better… I /promise/, it will get better. One day, it will. Life is short enough as it is… Take care. <3

  26. Have read most so many of them and yes I just want the suffering to stop. I found out three years ago that I suffer from a rare form of arthritis, mostly inflammation problems. The arthritis is in 98% of my joints. After suffering physical and sexual abuse the majority of my lime. The father of my son says he doesn’t want some broken and should probably kill my self it would to the world a favour. I managed that time to stay strong with very little support. Before my chronic illness I had an amazing job working in a lab. I didn’t get alone with anyone but who cares I was making good money and support two wonderful kids on my own. Then the sickness hit. I still tried to stay strong I couldn’t walk down stairs anymore had to carry my baby on my lap then try to get to work where I walked all day long. With in 4 months I had lost 30 pounds my supervision came to me and said something is really wrong with you and she was right. I took sick leave a d they deemed me medically unstable. My work after being there 5 years sent not even on card not even a phone call from anyone to see how I was.
    Fast forward to now my daughter high racking loser drug dealer is trying to take custody of her because I’m not able to work to provided more to her. I still get a good wage but nothing compared drug dealer.
    I met someone who didn’t care that I am sick and some days can barely more. No he had some issues too, but very manageable or so I thought. When his stuff came up I support him with everything I had. Then he ends up in the meantal hospital with pyschoiss pretty bad. At the time I was 10 weeks pregnant. Only have lossimg one a month before I was pregnant again. I was so sick with pregnancy I could barely get out of bed. But still I went Evey day to bring what he need and to see him. This was so important because he’s last wife sold the house and moved after a week.
    I lost the baby at 12 weeks and suffered the whole night cause my children were home.
    Unfortunately I saw the baby and held it in my hands till morning I got the kids ready and of to school the processed to court for custody. Once he got home thing were getting better I truly believed he loved me and that even threw all he craziness he truly loved me. Well he fuck some older married women the same week I lost the baby. Now I don’t want to die because of him but the logic and realization I am burden, on my kids, on my work, and I no longer want to be a burden things medically won’t get better financial I’m screwd I haven’t talk to my family in years. I have been betrayed by everyone I love. I just like logically its time I have nothing left give or for people to take. My children are set up to go to get places and be provided many opportunities. I feel very much at peace with my choices I feel for everyone I vovled its the right thing to do. It might taken a while to understand by they will.

  27. my wife left me almost a month ago and wont talk to me, she’s my world she’s the one that keeps me going and now I just don’t want to wake up. Why wont she just tell me what she wants? Its bad enough that I think about how to die every night now I think about when I should die. Should I do it on our anniversary, on one of our birthdays, should I do it on valentines day or should I just do it today? Everyday I wake up knowing she hasn’t called or text and yet I look at the phone to see. All it would take is for her to call me and tell me what she wants but I know in my heart that’s not going to happen

  28. i feel empty i have memories of my dad constantly beating my mom up and even me and then taking me out for dinner or something just to make me forget what happened home, he would always randomly shout at me for every small fuck up i did, since i can remember i had no friends the only time i did all of them was fake friends who fought with me over a lie that they believed im 17 know my parents are demanding high grades from me that i cant achieve because i lost hope of living this life every time i get torn apart when i see my mom sad and crying just because im a fuck up and get angry when my dad blames here for my fuck up and always tells me that im nothing and im a failure and that he wishes that i was never born i wish i could die but my religion prohibits suicide and adding to that im scared of death i just wish i can end my life and never exist just turn into nothing i just wish i never existed

  29. i had the best dad in the world..he was my hero..my best friend..i did not treat him right..he died 2 years ago today..i suffer every day..cry my eyes out..how could i treat the nicest person on the planet the way i did..kill me god..i can’t go on much longer..my dad touched every person he met..i love you so much dad..

    • im so sorry.. this broke my heart once i saw it.. but he’s in a better place. and you’re gonna see him one day. so pray for him. he’s always there watching over you. everything will be ohkay. (:

  30. I have wanted to die since I was six. I’m 11. I am diagnosed with clinical depression. I’ve tried to commit suicide before. I ended up in the hospital. I cut myself. I hate myself. I want to die. There really isn’t any reason for me to live. Right?

    • Nyah,
      Yes, there is a reason for you to live. Nyah, are you under a physicians care? There are resources listed on this website to get help. There is no shame in reaching out & asking for help.

  31. I’ve been wanting to go since I was a child and I was bullied from childhood probably age of five or six

  32. I never wanted to die. I always thought that everything one day would get better, but now, I just give up.
    It’s seems to me that dying in silence, without pain, is the greatest thing that I’d ever feel.
    There’s no reason to live, I have only two choices in my life: Participate in the rat race, or just stay still just like I’m now until I die. None of them is a good option. That’s why, I prefer to die.

  33. I don’t know if I have depression or if I even have any emotions?
    I was beaten as a child by my father and my older brother,Then I was told I had ADD. When I was nine I was being molested by my brother Then when i was 11 I started having sex with older men. I had to put up with all of my family calling me retard and this went on for 6 years!No one wanted me at there house,not even my older sister.I was drugged up on Adderall,disabled and gay. Had no friends,no help from anyone but myself. Tried to kill myself,have the scars to prove it. My family all say I’m crazy and I have nothing to be sad about.
    They say they have problems when really I had more problems then all of them.I hate what I have become.Why couldn’t I have a different life,it’s like if there was a god, he made my life a sick joke for his amusement.
    So fuck god.He can go to hell for all I care.You know the only one that was nice to me was myself,but no one hates me more then myself.
    I told my mother what her son did to me for years but she acts like she doesn’t care! he has a girlfriend with a child a job and his own place, while I’m 21 have never had anyone love me,lost my disability,no job,not even a house to stay at so what the fuck why not just kill myself…someone PLEAS tell me what to do now

    • Anthony – I really do believe that you have emotions and as a human being you are as worthy as anyone else. Your pain, which is understandable from your experiences, is just so enormous that it hides everything under it at the moment. Do you know that we usually create images and ideas about ourselves through others? If you have encountered a lot of neglecting and hate, I understand why you feel like you hate yourself. But it doesn’t mean that you should hate yourself or to say, there would be a reason for you to hate yourself. Just because other people tell you are like this and that doesn’t mean it’s actually true. I believe that you have a beautiful soul and even though you might not feel it, you are worthy. The things in your past doesn’t determine who you really are. You are you, and that’s a strength, not weakness. I’m writing this message to you, because I care about you even though I do not know you. Maybe I’d have other things to do – but still, I chose to help you. Why? Because I believe that you are not a horrible person – even though you might think so yourself. You are not crazy or not retarded – it’s just what ignorant people, not knowing how much their words hurt you, have wanted to tell you.
      What to do know you asked. I think now you would need someone to share your pain and thoughts and feelings that are buried under your pain. It can be easier to be said than done but for example to just talk to someone – just ordinary things on internet, would be the first step. Visit some (or all if you want) of the following sites if you just have the energy:
      http://www.7cupsoftea.com/depression-help-online/
      http://blahtherapy.com/
      http://www.depression-chat-rooms.org/
      http://www.healthfulchat.org/depression-chat-room.html

      Even if you don’t believe in yourself, let me believe in you. Your life and you, are worthy.

  34. I don’t know what I am, I have little moments of joy sometimes, or I will be excited about something. But it kind of all disappears. I feel like my energy and thrive are all being drained out of me. I live in a hotel and have moved 29 times in my 19 years of being on this planet. My dad is the only family member that will talk to me, but that’s only because I live with him. He is addicted to pills so he’s only here mentally half of the time. I have never smoked, drank, done drugs, had sex, anything. I do nothing wrong but I am still treated like garbage. It is really hard when you know you don’t belong where you are but you have no more will to try to change it anymore. I am in such a deep hole and I feel like I have no more strength to even try to climb out. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything anymore. When I tell my dad I want to kill myself or that I am going to, he says ‘Yeah? Me too” or “Whatever, this is why I never talk to you”. It’s like I have two different dads. Nobody ever tells me not to aside from a friend I met online who lives in England, but she’s so far away, I almost feel like it wouldn’t matter. I am so worthless. I know that, so why can’t I just do it already? Truth is if I had access to it I would. But I am stuck here to feel this pain until God decides he’s done with me. I just don’t want to live anymore.

    • Jessika, Im sorry to here what you are going through. Your story truly resonated with me. I’m turning 24 and I feel so lost in life. I too feel as though I have lost all hope recently. I live in N.Y. suburbs and have recently been wondering where my life went wrong. Growing up I was always shy and more reserved. I did have a fair amount of friends though. As I aged I began to take on symptoms of severe anxiety due
      to various life occurrences. I would say that my severe anxiety and depression
      had heightened from High School, throughout College (of which I am still trying
      to complete, and into my adulthood. I am currently stuck at a miserable
      retail job and my depression just grow. I feel as if everything that I use to
      enjoy is no longer enjoyable for too many reasons to list in this limited
      space. Like you I have always tried to stay clean from drugs and the like.
      I have hung around people who I thought were good to be associated with
      , but have all ended being bad too (…go figure..). I feel as if I am near rock
      bottom and I’m not sure what the future holds. I want to believe that I will
      make it through this and live a life that I am happy to live every single day
      I normally don’t respond to a lot of posts that I read on different Sites, but
      I wanted to respond to your post. I am not going to expect a response
      to my post, but if you do respond I would be glad to talk to you. You can
      Email me if you would like too, but it may take me a day or so to respond
      back. I just want you to know that your not alone and I hope we can all
      manage to be happy for ourselves and live meaningful
      existences. Thanks for taking the time to listen.
      -Drew

  35. Wow best blog ive read on suicide. Had depression for 20 years i am medication resistant. I dont want to live but cant bear to hurt my family. Yet when i ask for permission that i want to end my suffering becuase i feel like i have demons in my head it gets so bad, they say noooo you cant do that!? Why the fuck not, ive suffered tried millions of things to get well and nothing has helped…why is it terminally ill people can go get assisted suicide but people with chronic fuckin depression cant. I am suffering and have suffered more then most terminally ill people, when can i choose an exit that is deemed by society as okay because mental illness is a true disease of the brain! But hey my suffering isn’t physical pain its emotional so who the fuck cares,,let me suffer?? All i want to do is die, seriously, what is so damn great about living?? We will all die one day anyways, so why can i not choose it earlier and end suffering when everyone says it is so wrong, im a sinner, im selfish for hurting my loved ones! What about my pain and suffering and hurt, isnt 20 damn years enough, not like i didnt try, i did, now i want out! Sick of societys attitude toward chronically depressed, most people unless you have been there cant say fuck all because unless you have been down my path shut up!!!!

  36. I do want to die. I’m not in pain and am not depressed. I have achieved all I wanted to when I was younger, and just want the next challenge. When people tell me that I am depressed I laugh at them. I say what is depression? Why is it that I have to be depressed to want to die. I genuinely have done everything I wanted to do and I’m not bothered about small and insignificant things. I just want to die. However, every time I try, I get people telling me “I’m ill” or “you see things cloudy” or “soon you’ll feel better.” All of this is wrong. I have felt this way for over 10 years and I wouldn’t say it has hindered me. I’m not ill. I can do normal things on a day to day basis. I just find everything tedious and boring. There is no real challenge in living anymore so why should I bother. I actually get a kick from different suicide attempts. It gives me the power over my own life that I have never had, and people want to take that away from me? Well people telling me I’m ill or that I don’t know what I want or that I want to be free of pain is rather insulting. As a result, it actually makes me feel fairly crappy about the people around me, being so shallow wanting me to live. Forget it please, just leave me and others like me alone. Let us get on with it in our own way.

    Thanks for reading. :)

  37. Have you ever considered not talking?

    Mouths vomiting incessant word streams
    Meaningless, self-serving, flirting with other pukers
    And talk whores. What blood runs through your veins?
    How does your immune system fight off these
    Prostitute contaminants you crave more and more?
    Why is life success measured at all?
    Explained in ways life was not designed for?
    Follow the ejaculating crowd; create a following yourself;
    Your feelings and energy output are trending –
    Because that’s hat you want: more $uccess.

    What does it even mean to say that people are
    Social animals; can’t live without one another
    Another selling point in the big scheme called
    Life – o, and do not forget the pursuit of happiness
    Relax, and let the demonic puppeteers in disguise
    Work you over and over and over and over and over
    And over and over and over and over and over. Don’t stop now!
    You want more social orgasms of your feel-good hormones
    And words, hugs, gifts, sexual innuendo from the
    Ones you wish you could fuck in secret every day.
    Until the artificial standards have been grooved into
    Your o so seemingly free thinking and trajectory
    Towards the purpose-driven life brimming with social cum.

    Don’t you see,though, that your lives are but mere
    Shells of existence; vehicles for abuse; veils made so
    Attractive and irresistible to all horny socialites that
    It becomes a glistening passenger train with a few
    Empty seats for the how-to-be-noticed that you don’t
    Want to miss. All aboard the mission in support
    Of your hypocritical selves! Save your flirtatious
    Partners a seat, and feel good about that suggestive
    Act of kindness only to be labeled compassionate in
    This world of always-someone-else’s hatred
    And self-inflicted misery solicited to draw understanding,
    Pity, praise, admirers, masturbating social addicts.

    But what do I hear from the dead voices in the ground?
    From the graves you dug only to forget and move out of the way?
    Ah, the blatantly hidden objective is to self-enrich – even by
    Opulently visibly giving some of what’s yours away.
    You see, that’s the free market principle of investing; to reap and claim
    Profits. Behold, your persona just grew bigger and is counting more
    Within the circle of self-servants than before. The principle works!
    Your life can now be jubilated and recorded in the annals of
    Immoral visionaries; cheap prophets self-destined to survive
    Among the fittest; the strivers and competitors yearning for
    Puppeteer privileges; only to clench the corrupt stepladder and
    Not let go.

    I am looking for an inconspicuous painless way to retire from this
    Hideously infectious existence called life
    In a materially adulterous world.
    In death there must be true sanctity; a peace not governed by
    Discrepant strings and immoral privilege. A room with infinite
    Corners; places to hibernate and not be challenged by the
    Corrupt loudness of the fittest; places without the deafening
    Sounds of words of cheap compassion and advice concealed in
    Illness.

    Weep for yourselves; not for me. Catch that train.
    Be happy. Be yourselves while being like others. Seek comfort
    To warrant your spot among all the other lambs to the slaughter.
    Seek righteousness in what delivers orgasms of happiness to the
    Masses, and do your part to help purify the fellowship of strength
    Embedded in the cadre of societal survival. Clog up your arteries
    With fat immunity. This is what you think you want. To better your
    World – including yourselves. Happy living!

  38. why do people always try to define depression? there’s so many different kinds and each person behaves different. while one is laying in bed the whole day or at least wants to, the other one just can’t sit still for even a minute and maybe goes partying, getting drunk every weekend. i’m sorry but it just annoys me a little when people say it is like this or that, when it is much more complicated

  39. Well some people just want to die pain is part of it but they want to die cause they hate this world and there life, I want to die not just cause of the pain cause of my hard work getting out of bed each die and my life life getting worse. And lots of people reach out to others but the thing is for me people can’t help my so called life or my pain. Cause I know I am not beautiful pretty or loveable I know I would be better off dead, people ask me what I want to be when I’m older, I say something random but in my head I know i won’t be there to get a job or to have a family or fall in love. The world is a terrible place I am not going through the worst thing I am just bad at dealing with it, and I know that I want to die.

  40. yOU ARE LOVELY ILOVE YOU AND YOU ARE NOT A JOKE, IF OTHER PEOPLE DONT APPRECIATE YOU OR CARE.THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM AND THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE NOT WORTHY IT. YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM JUST DO WHAT YOU ENJOY BE AN INDIVIDUAL AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THOSE FOOLS WHO HAVE REJECTED YOU. THEY MAYBE JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN THEM.DONT HARM YOURSELF YOU WILL BE HAPPY BEING BY THE BEACH AND NATURE JUST LIKE I AM PEOPLE ARE EVIL TO ME BUT I TRY TO FIND INNER CONTENTMENT AND MY INTELLIGENCE GETS ME THROUGH. IF I FOCUSED ON MATERIALISM AND SUPERFICIAL THINGS I WOULD GET DEPRESSED BUT I KNOW IM A GOOD PERSON AND THATS WHAT MATTERS

  41. i honestly really identify with this post. im at a point in my life where i honestly feel i will never get better, ive been fighting depression and anxiety for the entirety of my teens and adult life and im done. i dont want to die, i just what to never have existed, for all evidence of my presence on earth to be erased.
    i think its time for me to give up and i hate myself for not being strong enough to end it all. i have attempted suicide in over a year now so youd think i was getting better? when in reality every single day is harder then the last ever single second that passes by im in a constant war with myself and i cannot cope any longer.
    i dont know what todo with myself anymore im too scared to leave my house i cannot make or maintain friendships or relationships because of how low i feel.
    i just find it crazy how i am suffering so badly and so deeply and not one person has even asked me if im ok. nobody has even noticed that ive stopped seeing people nobody has noticed that i havnt left my house for anything ither than to get some shopping in over a month now, and nobody would notice if i just wasnt here nobody would care
    and still i am not strong enough to end it all

  42. I honestly find my life as a fucking joke and im not fucking laughing anymore. My whole entire life is a fucking joke… I hate everything and nothing else matters. I am trying to save myself from going to the kitchen and getting the kitchen knife. I want to die… Pain is all i feel. Im a hopeless fucking joke… Nobody cares. I feel like im fucking drowning and the people around me are breathing. I feel so lonely. Im a big fucking disappointment. I hate myself. Im a second choice and nobody loves me and they never will…

  43. I don’t want to die. I don’t care if I live, but I don’t want to die. The stupid thing about life and our genetics is the will to survive is extraordinarily powerful. I know what pain is. I know what solitude is. I know it won’t matter to anyone when I am gone.
    And yet the longer I live the less I care. People will never truly accept me, I am too different. Yet I no longer want them to. I will never know love nor affection. Yet I no longer care. This world has chewed and chewed at me nonstop. Yet I will not go down. I don’t live because I desire to. I live to spite life and to give the middle finger to humanity and all it’s put me through. I was the world’s reject. Now I am the Rogue.

  44. Yes, this blog talks to me. It is exactly what I feel on a daily basis. Except I gave myself a 5-year plan and try to set out to do something and complete something. That gave me the energy to push through these past 4 years. I left less than a year to my designated deadline and I feel my motivation waning, my depression returning. This blog really really speaks to me. Why should suicide be a taboo? Why are people against it? Not everyone is looking forward to opening their eyes to another day. Why penalise them when everyday is a suffering?

  45. I wish I could explain … suicide would not eliminate my pain…the only way I could find release from this eternal damnation is to not exist…I am now which I will always be unless I am not…which cannot be…so I’m damned eternally..the only reprive I have is sleep…which is now being invaded by nightmares of hopelessness and eternal damnation….crying in one’s dream … with your soul knowing that there is no hope…thsee are my dreams…I’m at a loss … at what to do to escape…I wish suicide was the answer….

  46. I’d like to talk to Sophie. Her words had a familiar ring to them and I want to hear more from her and her day to day dealings. Sophie where are you? Please write

    • This is a ”why suicide” etc on running discussion. You can’tjust flag her down–can you? Maybe she did something or went somewhere. Just give her a few moments to return here..

  47. “People Who Attempt Suicide Don’t Want To Die”

    You are deluding yourself with this blanket statement.

  48. For the most part, I think the author is right that nearly everyone wants to live (and be happy). But life isn’t bearable for everyone. Comments like, “Make yourself happy,” and, “Live for yourself,” with all due respect to those who make them, seem hollow and denigrating. Of course people want to be/make themselves happy. Of course we don’t want to live “for” others, but rather with others. Humans are social animals, and while some may be fine with minimal contact from others, the majority of us are not. The medical and population sciences literature is replete with examples of the harmful effects of poor social conditions (like alienation, bullying, physical and mental abuse) on both physical and mental health. These aren’t circumstances people can just think themselves out of, because thinking differently is often ineffective at changing others’ behavior. So it’s disingenuous and ineffective to counsel people to “live for” themselves. If such advice worked–and it’s very, very old advice, then the incidence of suicide related to social isolation and other similar factors, among others, should have declined. There are many reasons behind depression–and more experts are challenging the simple neurochemistry argument that errant neurochemistry creates depression. Unresolved, chronic social stresses can precipitate depressed mood, and the neurobiology characteristic of depression. Poor maternal-infant interactions can significantly alter developing infants’ and toddlers’ brains and predispose them, even decades later, to depression. Poor perinatal nutrition and other factors beyond the infant’s control can also alter neurology and affect gene expression, both which can manifest physiologically over the whole life course, predisposing individuals to depression. These are all empirical causes, by no means exhaustive, outside the individual’s control for which “living for oneself” or “thinking differently” are no more statistically effective than either advice would be for patients suffering other clinical states like cancer or multiple sclerosis.

    Depression and suicidal thinking aren’t a simple case of “think[ing] differently.” That advice is biomedically uninformed and insulting. People would think and act differently if they could or if on doing so they found the effects sufficiently palliative. That many don’t argues this advice for many is simply ineffective, and the underlying assumed cause-effect relationship is simply wrong.

    • So what’s your advice to those who came here for a kind word of hope? We’ve heard it all before- I’m afraid. Depression is so personal you can’t sum it up like a legal document or a cook book. One can only hope they change their minds. Facts mean almost nothingt to the suicidal..

      • I think about dying and leaving it all. I know that no one will care if I’m gone. How sad a thought is that. Trying to achieve a happy friendship with anyone has never been easy. I have lived for myself and in the process have become somewhat a recluse. I love pets but I lack a social life. I withdraw from people to avoid the judgement’s, and expectations, etc etc. I work to support my lonely life but I don’t even like my work or the co-workers, who don’t like me. I’m at the top of my field but I don’t attract friends. Being attractive has attracted a few boyfriends but now I’ve become so withdrawn, I’ve lost interest. Feel lonely any where I am so what am I living for?? What is the meaning of my life? I work in medicine, so I help people. I love pets and have adopted many. There has to be something more? Does anyone know? I am unhappy being so alone but being alone is more comfortable for me than being social.

        • You’ve just explained your whole problem. “I have lived for myself” “I withdraw from people to avoid judgements” etc. There’ll always be judgements, if you work with people, or not.– are you serious?
          You seem to have a large choice of people to make friends with, since you have co workers around you. And why don’t they like you? Take a look at how you act and/or think. Seems you don’t want to compromise. Frendship is always a compromse. To have a friend–you have to BE a friend.
          You like it the way you’ve created it.– imo You will always be lonely. sorry.

        • Kim, ignore Stevie. What rubbish.

          All the ingredients for friendship seem to be there, they just probably haven’t been “combined” in the “right” way.

          I was once told the definition of friendship is, “you too !?!” Simplified, common interests.

          I’m not trying to be too simple either, after all relationships are complex and most often an act of balance. The question you need to ask is, what do you enjoy doing? If its watching TV, then find a “TV watching club” to go and enjoy programs with. If that club doesn’t exist, perhaps start one your self.

          But Ferg, how do I even go about finding that club?

          Social media… something that didn’t exist years ago… is now a tool that can bring people together. Take Facebook for instance. It has “groups” that you can join with specific interests. From engaging in those groups, you can find people that share common inerests that live right in your community. If not facebook, then try Meetup.com or other similar sites. In fact Kim, even tho we may not have much in common, I’m sure if we sat down we could find that, you too/me too moment where our interests intersect.

          Some people like to dance, and finding people that like to dance is easy, go to the nearest club and get your groove on. Some people like watching movies on the big screen, but what fun is that if you have no one to share and discuss afterwards with? Go look at meetup.com for a movie watching group, if one doesn’t exist, then create the meetup. Same for book club, bowling club, ect.

          If we lived close, I’d have that cup of coffee with ya and find out how similar or not we are.

          I’ve had to move and start over several times in my life so I know how hard it is to make friends. On top of that, I’m incredibly opinionated, if you can’t tell… so I tend to offend people rather easily. Don’t worry about who you offend, just be yourself and someone will like you for that.

          I’ve clicked the notify me of follow-up comments so if you want a greater conversation on making firneds, I’m willing to have that.

          Ferg

          • This is great advice Ferg. Glad someone is offering positive action instead of wanting to wallow in a contagious pity pool. Sorry but depression can be a drain for those who are not feeling as low and some of these threads seem to suggest that everyone is normal to feel so bad and hopeless. Treatment exists but no miracle occurs until you find some way to get up and begin to help change your own life for the better. What you suggest makes sense and would help people to get out of the stuck headspace into some better place. Thanks for adding a bit of light and hope.

        • Kim- ignore Ferg, what offal spewing. Telling you to get up and meet people on a suicide line?
          Yes, let’s join facebook, or find a meet up for the movies, or take a class in origami! Get real. I know you’re suffering and it hurts. Forget the tap dancing advice, and concentrate on your job in medicine, and what good it does helping others. Love pets? Volunteer at a pet shelter, I do and it’s wonderful! Or just enjoy your solitude. What’s wrong with plain old solitude? Nothing wrong with being alone. I love people but I also love being alone.
          Social media sucks more often than not.. Too impersonal. iPhones going 24/7
          One day we’ll all lose the abilty to speak b/c of it!

  49. You can’t change people, places or things only your reaction to them. You will always be miserable if you live life for others.

  50. I dont know what is going on…my life is becoming hel…m fun loving girl..i love to make others hpy..but i realy wana die…life is hel …its just becaus of my parents dat m alive..i just wana to die..i wana live my life in own way…m 23 …stil i dont hav right to live my life because m a girl…m a student…doing study in university ..but my parents…environmnt …ful of narow mindd people…js tired….lost..i hv been lost…plz suggest me what should me what shal i do 2 make myself comfrt..nd how can i move on with dese narow minded peopl :(

    • Start with a dictionary perhaps? Look dear if you feel bad about you being a girl , i am afraid there is not much you can do about those around you. Remember , always start from yorself. Now an obvious solution to your misery is stand up for yoursel and claim what should be rightfully yours and that is your life. Want to know how to do that? Get financially stable. Make your way out of that shitty place as soon as you can. That is no reason to die but one hella reason to be a rebel.

  51. I have bi polar I often take things out on my wife I don’t mean to but I do I always regret anything that happens or gets said.my wife has had a bad up bringing she has had bad experiences she has tried to commit suicide many times when we have been together and also when we were separated I have tried to help her but often it is me that needs the help I have suffered depression for 20 years or more although there has been good times everything always seems to end up bad my wife is in hospital now after another failed attempt I blame myself

  52. Sophie, i get it all too well. My husband doesn’t understand my depression and bipolar and won’t read anything about it. I too feel like i’m having a nervous breakdown. And the running away? Recently, like last week, I was planning a trip to Panama were I grew up and remember happiness, My plan was/is to cash in my parents inheritance $ and an old 401K, that would total about $140,000. I’m still not sure if i will take half of our savings in the bank. My husband has his own $ so i won’t leave him stranded. Anyway I want to take my sister with me stay at a 5star hotel, visit all the places we have good memories until the $ is gone and send my sister home and i’ll just kill myself. That plan excites me. One breakdown i just had it and i took off to florida for a week and i visited my parents home, places we swam etc. That helped me tremendously. I was without my husband so i didn’t have to worry about he wants to do and usually doesn’t want to do what i want to do so vacations can be one-sided. Anyway this was the most relaxing time i ever had. No one to bug me or be accounted to. I didn’t get his permission because i had it. Getting away was something i had to do to help me emotionally. When he called and asked what i was doing i said i’m north carolina on the way to florida and if you start yelling at me I’ll hang up. He knew i was serious and then took my breakdown at that time as something i had to do to feel better.
    Maybe a leave of absence from work and your husband for a period of time would be a good idea. Go to place that makes you happy. I have to think at that time, do i want to feel better and not kill myself, or would I rather not upset work or husband and end up appeasing them and remain miserable and end up killing myself? We have one life and we are not less important than spouses and bosses. We owe it to ourselves to do things that will save us even if others don’t get it.

  53. For the past year I’ve thought about suicide nearly everyday. I have lost the ability to be happy. I don’t quite know when it happened or quite how. I had a good life thru my late twenties. I’m not bad looking, I’m married to a good man & I have a handful of good friends. My dad died about a year & a half ago after nearly a decade of struggling through cancer. He was my best friend, we talked every day. He was my rock. My marriage has struggled since his death. My job just keeps making me more & more miserable by the day. I can’t go one day without sobbing uncontrollably multiple times a day. I’m just done. I want to give up. I saw a counselor, it helped but the pain came back. I’ve made a big move recently away from my family & mother. I thought it would be like a fresh start for my husband & I but I think I’m on the verge of a breakdown.my eyes hurt from crying everyday. I am thinking about divorcing my husband & moving in w my mother. & quitting my job. I just can’t handle anything anymore. I really just want to be dead. My husband just thinks I’m being a baby but I’m in so much turmoil I can’t take it anymore. When I cross the street I just want to get hit by a bus. I don’t have the nerve to kill myself but I want to die. Everyday is miserable. On paper my life looks nice but I can’t do it anymore. I have no children.

  54. Friday 11/21, I took a bunch of [pills and alcohol]. I wrote the following to my husband
    ” I don’t want to die i need help. There’s nothing left but hopelessness. I’m not thinking straight . I love you. Help me. It’s not you is’t me. Thank my dad for this.(My dad got depressed shot and killed my mother and then committed suicide. For that i’m fucked up.) I go on saying” I’m sorry Neil it’s not you it’s me. I love you and you are a great husband. I’m sorry”.
    Point being I really don’t want to die i just want to feel better. I’m not looking for feeling good all the time but just a break once in a while to feel something other than depression hopelessness etc.
    I understand there are others who have it worse and they prevail but i don’t have the strength.. I always say it isn’t if it happens but when it happens. I know the future that lies ahead of me. I understand you all and feel sorry for all of us and the people who have to live with us. God bless them and us.
    I never commented on anything before this.

  55. You all would be shocked –if the doctor told YOU that you really WERE dying, -like my best friend did.
    She wanted to live so bad. When you get THAT news it’s a wake up call for everyone, even us insane people.
    Take a long walk thru a cancer ward. Watch the suffering, the screaming, and the hopeless. Go. Trade places.
    It beats out any suicidal mood you’re having. It’s a hard bitch slap.
    If I have a suicidal thought, I just take a tranquillizer to make myself fall asleep. I hope things will change.

    • i did spend 3 years in a cancer ward with my partner and best friend. it only made me jealous to know he’d be gone soon and i could not go with him. I also know i will never do treatment; i know too much now, the cure is worse then the disease. i have a mass and i am not getting it looked at, by choice. you can’t cure suicidal thoughts, depression, and desires, any mi with scary threats of cancer. maybe it works for you, but not all. just like me using herbs, exercise, and healthy eating for stability, it will not work for all.

      • How did they let your partner spend 3 years in a cancer ward? Who trying to cure suicide with threats of cancer? It’s just a different perspective on living. You’re right, maybe leave that mass alone. too scary. That should scare suicidal people into ignoring anything irregular they see or find on their bodies too. great point.

  56. i also think about dying every single day. for most of 20 years. im really trying to have a better life but it seems out of my reach. i have 2 children and i dont know how they would feel if i died. thats the only reason why im still here even though im in so much pain. medication doesnt seem to help. i wish i could take the place of good people who died.

  57. I’m only 30 but 14 years ago I got in a car reck doc said I can’t walk but I did and still do but not without a cost. The pain is unbearable I want to scream with every step I take. But I keep going I don’t know why anymore. I just do. My point is at what point is that assisted departcher exeptable I know I’m young but know one can do what I do and I have done it I proved them wrong and now I’m tired and I don’t think it is worth it anymore. I’m not scared to die I get happy thinking about an end to the torment that I live through every step I take. I’m scared that the next step will be my llast. I couldn’t handle that . I won’t to say by to my loved ones and go before the are wipeing my ass for me. That only seems fair havnt I done enough? Would it be okay?

    • Hi Me,

      I can’t say what’s right for anyone and I certainly can’t say what’s right for a person in permanent pain. Do I, personally, think it’s okay if you were my loved one? Absolutely not. I would encourage you to find a new way to live with this challenge. I don’t know your situation so I can’t suggest anything specific but I know that if walking is agony, maybe there are ways to minimize that in your life. Would that be a sacrifice? I’m sure it would be, but maybe it would be worth it for you? I have been in agony for years at a time, not knowing if it would ever end, but the only thing I could do was to find new ways to deal with it.

      Is it time to see a new doctor? Is it time to try a new treatment? Is it time to make a lifestyle change? I don’t know, but I strongly suspect it is not time to die.

      I can hear the desperation in your words and I wish I could say something to take that away, but I can’t. But know that you’re not alone.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Speak with a doctor who specialises in pain relief. nobody should be stuck in agony these days and doctors are there to ease your pain. The times have changed and there’s some great medication. Please dope yourself if needs be, but find some way to beat that pain so that you can keep going. 30 is too young to give up. Good luck.

  58. I just recently lost my Mom to cancer after having lost my Dad to the same illness a couple of years ago. I’m nearly 50 and am unmarried and have no children as well as no siblings. No real family within nearly 2,000 miles of me. I also don’t really have any friends of my own. I have a decent job that now is about all I have in the world, though it doesn’t sustain me. My body is full of chronic pain that gets me down on a daily basis. My entire outlook on life is quite poor and I just want to be with my parents. If not for the fear of God, I would not be writing this now. With each passing day I really don’t see my value in the world. What do I offer? I am not very good at my job. I have many emotional hang ups and anxieties. I’ve not had a romantic relationship in nearly 25 years. The thought of many years on my own without my parents and with no real close relationships is not pleasant at all. The future for me seems bleak at this point. People say just go out and do things and meet people, but with social anxiety, it really is not as easy as it sounds. I pray for something better, but what? I can see an aging man with many physical and mental issues just getting worse as the years go on. All alone with no family and friends and just hating life. Wanting to die, but knowing that suicide will lead directly to the gates of Hell.

  59. I too often think of death. Ive lost all hope. Even things i know used to make me happy dont do it anymore. And i really have no one left in my life. The illness of depression has pushed everyone away. I wont kill my self for two reasons 1. Dont want to make my parents sadder than I already make them. 2. Im scared of a messed up suicide that will leave me worse.

    So I just wollow through my job 8-9 hrs a day and then go home drink myself into oblivion, play music and stare at the walls hoping to die so I dont feel this anymore.

  60. You get to the point where life is just another job your unhappy with. People will tell you if you’re unhappy at your job then quit and find a new one. Unfortunately, if you’re unhappy with life, you can’t just quit and get a new one.

    We live in a world where if people don’t understand then you subject to ridicule. For 23 years I contemplated suicide, and I was afraid to do it. I would think about all the things I would miss out on, or people it would affect. I turn 39 in December 2014 and for 23 years, life offered absolutely nothing I would miss out on, simply because I’m not wanted to be included. That never bothered me that much though.

    It is pathetic when you’re my age and people talk to you like a mentally handicapped 6th grader. When I die alone it’s not going to be in a nursing home dwelling on the fact the I never got married or had kids, or the fact that my own family keeps there distance with the attitude “better him then me” I have never been able to connect with people and life never clicked.

    I would much rather die now then to be this way when I’m 65 all alone in a nursing home knowing life passed me by with pleasure. I’m looking for anything why I shouldn’t. So far, nothing.

  61. To those who feel like dying – Don’t give up.
    There are so many people who understand. There are many who want to help. Reach out your hands!

  62. I think its true that most people don’t want to live anymore because they want to escape from the pain and reality. I can relate to this so much. Even as a student, I think about wanting to die every single day. When i’m just not good enough, always behind others, failing and scoring low even though I tries my best, some people just don’t get why it is so difficult to pass certain papers and just look down on us. Especially in my country, I am already doomed with my results and have no other reason to live, ‘d rather die than to keep wasting my parents’ money and by jumping off to my death, I won’t need to put up with this pain and regrets, suffering anymore. I don’t want to think about this, but someday I might really be out of my mind and put an end to all my depressing thoughts and just disappear forever.

  63. I think some people do want to die-Some people just get tired of living. At least I feel that way sometimes.

  64. I fell madly in love with the world and its seemingly endless possibilities when i was young, before that i was a brat who only cared for himself, Nothing else mattered to me. But being bullied had knocked me off of my pedistal and i became forever indebted to the loved ones who gave me a reason to continue, i was so full of hope and had a fantastic dream to work toward; however, as i grew older i watched in horror as the things i loved in life began to wither and die, generation after generation of death. I would raise them and watch them die every year. I learned that every death is a gruesome one, Reality had dismembered what i held precious in life and forced me to carry stiff cold bodies that were once so warm filled with love and energetic happyness behind a barn to be coverd with soil and forgotten. And when i turned to seek help, nobody could relate with me or confort me, everyone was apathetic and so i grew cold and full of hatred i resented myself and everything human for our selfish and apathetic nature, we set aside morality for comfort and simplicity.

    Death is now a constant thought in my head, the inevitability of death with every bond i have created thus far; freinds, brothers and sisters, i cant even hug my own mother without a plegue of unsettling thoughts entering my head, i cant stand seing the elderly cause i can see their own demise hovering over their shoulders masking their sweet smiles. I hope that i die before any one else does but i know better i know what is likely to happen and i resent that. I wont remember ill forget without a single drop of sweat. Ill forget everything and if it weren’t for pictures id forget faces as well, every thing will be purged, the ideals that i had when i was younger seem more and more fantasy every day, im going to be bitter and full of hatred till the very end. Im beggining to believe that death is a liberator, i will no longer have the mentle coppacity to fret so i plan to greet death with open arms and take what little husk of a soul life has left me with no struggle. Regarding suicide despite how i long for my own death i feel that when we die its analogous to a dying star; we can become a black whole and everything nearest to us will be consumed by darkness or we can make like a supernova die beautifully and shed light on a semmingly empty exhistance and hopefully inspire other stars to do the same. Thats how i want to die, even if i will mpst likely fail i want to try, i know suicide isnt the right path to it.

  65. i really wanted to end my life. i’ve suffered more than enough and i just can’t take it anymore. but every time i think about my parents’s reaction when i commit suicide, i burst into tears. i dont know what to do. im so lost. i tried everything to solve this problem but nothing works. i have been struggling for years. and im only 19. i dont know how to face the world. i just wanted to die. but i always think about my parents. i cant imagine how devastated they will be if i die. especially my mom who loves me so much. i want to end everything. this painful problem i have.

    • sorry to hear you are suffering so much mae. it is so sad to hear young people so down. have you talked to your mom about how badly you feel? if you did, would she help you find a good therapist? if not, maybe your school (if you are in school) can direct you in a path of assistance.
      how i found my therapist, I looked on line for low income counseling and put in my city. i have a wonderful lady who helps me out now and for the first time in my life I am actually feeling pretty ok. it takes a while but it can happen.

    • I don’t do it because of space and all the interesting things out there. You are super young though too. I am almost twice your age and I feel like I have my ups and downs. I got into a car wreck and lost my license and was charged with an assault IV. I can’t get a good job now. I owe $68 thousand dollars and being sued for another million. I’m not going to do it but I think about it. There are days that totally make living worth it. Do the things that make you happy in life and don’t let yours influence your happiness (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend). Do what makes you happy, really. The right people will come into your life when you are doing that dream job. It takes hard work but I am going back to school to get a better education. I struggle but I will survive. You have got this. :)

    • I’m in the same situation. For countless times I’ve reflected on the thought of ending my life, but the only reason that’s holding me back is my parents and how hurt they’d become if I kill myself. Not even god, my friends, my job, my school, or even my own self can convince me to live. It’s only my parent’s love that’s grabbing my arm from being swallowed into despair. And yes I’m only 19. Sucks to be in this situation at such a young age.

    • mae- I know how you feel…that’s what stops me too…my best friend, my family, and my boyfriend…I have hope things will get better for us! we are young we have time to get better…I’m 25 and have been struggling since 13 or so- but if we can find a way….we can still have another ten, fifteen, twenty years with our loved ones to make up for the 10-15 we have spent hurting…we can do it <3 I'm in Dialectical Behavioral therapy now and it's helping a little. If you don't do that now, maybe try…also keep yourself busy with a hobby or passion. I work and do graphic design courses. please don't go away….things can get better for us both

    • I feel like giving up often and have tried some half-hearted attempts a few times that landed me in ER but weren’t even that serious…I’m a coward. I’m in Dialectical Behavioral therapy now and it helps a little sometimes. I try to stay busy with a hobby or passion to distract from my hate for myself. I work and do graphic design courses but even those thing make me feel like a failure at times because I am not good enough and have trouble enjoying it. Deep down I don’t wanna exist anymore. I am a black spot in the lives around me and I ruin everything without fail- like a parasite or a curse. Only reason I don’t really wanna kill myself is I feel too guilty. I’ve already caused so many problems for people, a suicide would just be another slap in the face to them. I feel obligated to live and function for them but really all I want is rest- I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. I just want it to stop and I don’t think it ever will until I actually can’t take it anymore and give in. Who knows though…might never happen. I might be doomed to feel this way and keep living day to day until I die old, still hating myself. I hope ‘ll get better but I feel like it’s impossible- I try and nothing seems to make it stop.

    • Well, you know. I’m 14 and I think I may be in the same situation? Or maybe not. I obviously don’t know what you have been through and if I did, I bet I couldn’t compare myself to you because my life is kind of good. Anyway, I get the feeling. I have only stayed here, living and on my feet, because of my parents. I don’t know why it seems to matter that much, not even my sister could convince me not to. Everytime I see myself committing suicide, there comes the image of my parents crying and blaming themselves when the only one who owns the fault of everything it’s me. I don’t want them to cry because I was a selfish asshole who couldn’t stay alive even when they gave everything they had to me. I swear, I have everything I could want, but I just can’t do it. This is why I found this article in the first place, and I think it is right. I have no hope or whatsoever in my future, and it just makes me want to kill myself.
      Even though this was published a while ago, I just wanted to say, I think you (and maybe even all of us) can do it. I mean, you can stay alive and let’s hope it gets better because if it doesn’t, god help us.
      Maybe a little advice? Find little things to hold onto everyday. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person. And it also doesn’t matter if it’s stupid because you are fighting for it. You could literally stay alive only to watch a series finale, but it wouldn’t matter, because hell, you’re alive.

        • So Dee, your reply came to my e-mail, but I’m not really sure if it’s for me or not? Anyway, I’ll take the risk to say thank you very much, because it seems rude to not letting you know that I actually read that.
          I don’t know what could have given you that impression, though. If anything I said helped you, you can always ask for my e-mail.

      • Ace, I am a mother and if my baby (ok you are 14, not a baby, but u will always be our babies) came to me and said how sad they were as you have said, I’d wrap my arms around you and do everything I could to help.

        Determine what it is you need and start asking for help. Don’t give up till someone listens. I can see great things coming from you. You will be an activist in your school to help others who feel like dying is the only answer. Reach out to those others and share your pain. You are NOT alone in this.

        Please, reach out to us older folks, we are a wealth of information. I often say, I wish I had 20 20 vision because I would do things differently. You are young! Keep trying! I like your energy! You are a good kid and we (our planet) need kids like you! You will be one who changes the world for the better. I feel it in my bones.

        Big Mom hugs to you.

        • Thank you, again.
          I have, in fact, told my mother about how I feel, but she doesn’t takes it seriously. She says it’s a matter of age, and that when I grow up, I will forget all of this. I don’t know if she’s right or not, but I don’t want to mention it again to her, it kind of makes me feel bad for worrying her. My father, by the way, is off to discution, he always mocks at me when I ‘get sensitive’. (A thing that doesn’t have much to do with this: I’m not a native english speaker, and I have the feeling that I said something wrong? So yeah, sorry).
          I have though about seeking help in my school, we have the resources, but I don’t think my problem is serious enough to start seeing a psychologist. However, it has crossed my mind the thought that I actually have depression, but then again, it doesn’t seems serious enough. And we (my family and I) don’t have any money anyway.
          I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I guess I needed to say it. Thanks again, with an special emphasis for the Big Mom Hugs.

          • Ace, I trust you know yourself better then anyone and if you feel OK with your decision to not say anything, that is fine. Not all depression leads to suicide and not all thinking of suicide is dangerous. It is something I think most people think of and they fear. it And your mom is right, sometime “depression passes”, but not always. Mine has been a forever companion. Just be aware if it seems to be more frequent and never be afraid to reach out for help. Maybe mom is not the first one to go to if she is troubled, but you said you have resources; take advantage of them when and or if you need it.
            Dee

  66. If you attempt suicide you say you don’t want to die? you are a flake. i do not know why my previous attempts have failed but be assured i do want this hell i am in will end and i will finally find peace

    • A regular decent funeral, basic, –is about $9,000. A crematiion about $3,000.
      That, along w/ your loved ones left feeling as wretched as you felt, before you did it, think about THEM paying for all of the expenses of your funeral, after you do it.
      Along with YEARS of the guilt and suffering they will have to endure.
      I realize no one thinks of anyone but themselves when they do it, but now you have another reason Not to.
      If you say “Well, mine is all paid for, or I’m all alone and they can put me in Potters field, or my dad is a funeral director” then it shouldn’t be THAT bad in the money dept. –but those you love will die along w/ you, one way or another. YOU will take their quality of life with them. OR they might kill THEM SELVES b/c of it.
      Just another thing to think about….
      You can always come here to vent, or seek HELP elsewhere, but if you knew how badly a dying cancer victim would want the life you’re throwing away, it’s too bad you can’t take their place and give them YOUR life.
      Don’t tell me I’ve never ”been there”, because I have.
      If this is all talk to you -and you still insist you want to Kill yourself–don’t forget to write that YOU want to DONATE an ORGAN, your liver, kidneys, heart, corneas’, skin, or whatever–then another person WILL LIVE b/c of your decision.
      Then It won’t be a total waste.

      • your understanding that no one thinks of anyone but themselves when they do it is blatantly false. you have no possible way of knowing what everyone thinks when they are in this situation. never tell other people what they think or feel.

        • Yes –there IS a way of knowing what eveyone ‘thinks or feels’ when a person tries to kills themselves!
          MANY Suicides FAIL. And when the person survives–he or she, tells any– or everyone they want to, WHY they tried to kill themselves.–and whether they thought of others at that moment- or the tooth fairy.
          Books and articles get written about this subject, from survivors everyday.
          The ones who succeed to kill themselves and leave no note…. we just have to guess why.
          There have been many, many suicide letters left to study also—very telling..
          And then there are the really obvious reasons.
          And then there’s no reason we’ll ever know- at all.
          Just remember the people who are dying who need the organs one is throwing away.
          THEY want to live.
          I have a best friend waiting for another kidney—or she dies. She’s 43.

          • NO, there is no way of knowing what EVERYONE thinks or feels at this time in their life. why are you insisting that there is? you say that there is, and then even in your response to me, you go on to say that “we just have to guess”, “and then there’s no reason we’ll ever know – at all”. you seem to know that you cant know why everyone does this. which is it – are you yourself aware of what they all think and feel, or are you not?

            the worst thing is that what you are basing this idea on is records that have been made by people who have not succeeded in dying. not only does this exclude people who have succeeded in suicide, but many people who make these later records may do this as a process of explaining to themselves why they have decided to live. they may revise or “rationalise” earlier thoughts or feelings they had in a way that distorts those things. “oh, i was just being selfish”, they may say to themselves dismissively – however, this is just something that is said, not having any necessary connection to the reality of what was thought and felt in those moments of suicidal decision. maybe “suicide is selfish” is something that someone told them at sometime or another, and as as a way of moving on in a survival sense, they adopted it as a sort of catchphrase. because damn, a sure huge amount of people are constantly repeating this stuff that “suicide is selfish”, like as if they know what everyone who ever committed suicide went through.

            whether your friend lives or dies is not connected to what these people are going through when they make this decision. maybe they donate their organs to others, maybe they do not, but this is a completely irrelevant matter. it has nothing to do with their struggles.

            STOP thinking that you know what other people think and feel. you DO NOT. you dont know everything, you dont know what exists in the heads of other people, what they go through and experience. so STOP believing that you do, and STOP telling other people that you do. because that is arrogance.

  67. Uh… Yeah we do. I attempted. I failed. I wanted to die. I am going to do it again soon. I still want to die.

    • i am sorry they write stupid stuff like this, it is so not what i hear out in the mental health arena. sometimes i wonder why we have this type of propaganda.

  68. First off, your doctor was a quack. It is not that you should give up, it is she does not know how to help you. Second, your life has meaning to me. I do not always comment on your post, but I do read them. I am not ashamed to say that I have become deeply connected to you. I see so much of myself in your writing. You are someone that actually knows what is going on in my head and just knowing that actually helps me some days. I am pretty sure there are many more like me who take your writing to heart. Whith that said, always know, no matter how low you go, there are many of us who are hurting just as much as you.

  69. Suicide. It’s not an answer. I’ve tried to go down that path.

    Why did I go down that route?
    Because I was self consumed. In my own tormented existence.

    Looking back it was simply a case of being pervasively overtaken
    With pain, fear, shame, worthlessness, etc,. Etc,,. To the
    Detriment of my thinking and reasoning ability.

    Death ends the perceived problem, but it can never be the answer.
    Could I have been persuaded not to attempt it the times I tried?

    I don’t think I would have listened to anyone, other than a survivor
    Of suicidal feelings.

    The lonely self persecutory existence I endured for years left me
    Feeling I was utterly and completely unique…unfathomable.

    I now know, that is not the case.

    The words “me too” would have saved me in so many ways,
    Before crashing into emotional, mental, and relationship
    Bankruptcy. From that position, I reached out….and got help.

    It nearly cost me my life.

    For afflicted ones out there, with BP, especially….

    “Me too”. Alive n kicking today!

  70. I attempted suicide 3 years ago, at one point in my life I was so thankful it didn’t work. Then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, I’ve been sick for a year…I’ve tried countless medications, home remedies, even surgery…but here I am, doing school online, alone everyday, in constant pain,with no end in sight…I’m 16 years old,this is supposed to be. The best years of my life, and they’re being wasted praying to feel better and being promised this course of treatment will work..and every single time it doesn’t work…find myself bitter and hopeless.why couldn’t it have worked? I couldve avoided this entire nightmare if I wasn’t coward 3 years ago,if id tried harder and not hesitated..if only I could’ve seen the future, I would’ve don’t anything to avoid this living hell.I have responsibilities now,people who would be crushed. Why couldn’t I have just pulled the plug on all this shit when I had the opportunity. There’s really nothing I want from posting this,I guess just to vent maybe. All of you reading this,if you decide to stick around this shit world,enjoy health.it seems like a given,but if you lose it, it crushes every fiber of your being. School,work,friends,hobbies,everything that used to be normal is gone.things like smelling a flower, or breathing, or going put,is a fantasy. I wish all of you the best of luck, I’ll see you on the other side

    • Do not blame yourself. Your circumstances are not something that you did to yourself. I hate it when people blame themselves. It happens in war. It happens in life. And it definitely is a strong symptom of bipolar disorder and related issues. People, through evolution, have propensities for responsibility to their family, their tribe, those who are close to them. It is a known fact that we are social creatures and social interactions are integral to who we are, how we cope with life, and the directions that we take. On top of all of these inane propensities, we are evolved to survive. No matter how dismal, horrid, or bleak our lives seem, we have that little voice that prods us to go on indefinitely. For those of us who do not believe in mythologies, it is even more stark. This is existence. You blink in at birth and you blink out at death. Under consideration it both overwhelms and make us more appreciative of this short existence. Bipolar disorder typically afflicts those of us who are intelligent, compassionate, and realists yet we have to cope with the known parameters of existence and make viable decisions. It is not an easy path – do you agree? My only advice is to weigh the perceived pain against those things in life that you enjoy. Where the scale tips is the decision you should make. I am not going to talk you off the edge or urge you to leap. That is your personal decision. But consider deeply your feelings, reasons, and experiences to come to a decision that satisfies you (and noone else!). That is the true freedom that society would like to deny us. Sentience is a gift and a horror. The individual should have a say in how to proceed with it.

    • hello, I just want you to know that you are not the only one in this unenviable position. I’ve spent most of life in chronic pain and most of my adult life bedridden. I have five diseases: bipolar disorder, polycystic ovarian syndrome, myasthenia gravis (a type of muscular dystrophy), asthma, and psoriasis and I am 30-years old. It can be very lonely at times. There aren’t many websites/organizations out there addressing the needs of people who have mental health problems and 24/7 physical pain, which is why I started my blog, Fashionably ill (http://jessicagimeno.com). I wanted to create a home for people like us. My life is constantly unpredictable and my plans are interrupted. But despite my darkest moments, I am grateful to be alive today. There is no one tool that works when it comes to chronic pain–instead, I find that I must use every tool at my disposal to survive every week, every day: seeing my therapist, bipolar mood charts, light therapy, supportive friends/family, online communities of people like us, exercise (when I am able), a sense of humor, music, prescribed medications, and faith. (There are probably other tools i use to survive that I cannot think of at this moment. This is one article I wrote about the daily struggle: http://jessicagimeno.com/?p=1181) You’re not a coward. You’re a warrior; someone who’s survived more pain than most people will ever know. Even though I don’t know you, I am proud of you.

  71. When I look to my past I see a playlist of sad songs and like Pandora, I can start giving them a thumbs down and introduce new happy ones but I still have a 30 year playlist of sad, angry or lonely songs. If i’m not actively seeking new feelings of self worth and happiness my mind will auto play old memories. I must not find fear driven refuge in these feelings. That would give them a “thumbs up” and keep them in the database. I must give them a thumbs down and re-center to my reality today. This requires patience and being nothing short of relentless. But daily meditation, gratitude and positive affirmations escort me across this lagoon of suffering like a boat. But I have to row every day. Never stop moving forward or your past will run you over. This means no more t.v. all day andunhealthy thinking for me. Diet and excercise and nuclear warheads against the fight on depression.

  72. @denise- Why yes, thank you! I actually do have a book in the making!
    It’s currently titled “The sad struggle of Dick and Janes bipolar life together”. It’s gut wrenching, -but must be told.
    It’s taken me years to complete, but when I do, you’ll be the first or second to know. The illustrations are graphic, but phenomenal.
    You also have a talent for writing. Just sit down and create your magic!

  73. Considering that Robin Williams was ostentatiously famous and assuredly had lots of money and family and many friends, it shows decisively how invasive this illness is. Most of us with bipolar disorder have abandoned our families, have no friends, barely make a living, and are on the edge of the knife. Here is someone who was amazingly successful with all that life could offer and yet the illness took over and triumphed. I am surprised that after this that I am still here. My life is fraught with never-ending bull over minutia that costs me time, money, sleep, and peace. Our world is a shithole – and we make it so. We could literally make it a heaven. But that is not how humans operate. The more oppression, killing, genocide, ignorance, hate, anger, illogical beliefs foisted on society, the better.

    My future predictions of humanity: We die out in about 10,000 years (tops) by a catastrophic natural disaster. That is the benevolent prediction. The malevolent one is: We die out in about 1,000 years (tops) by our own stupidity. That is the one that will happen. The former is a kind reminder that nature corrects all mistakes through evolutionary processes no matter how ‘lucky’ we think that we are.

    Humans, you had better start getting real interested in the future and accepting each other and realizing that this tiny mote of dust in the entire universe is our entire existence or we are going the way of the dinosaurs (except that they will have surpassed us in longevity). Do you really want to lose that record?

    Idiots!!!

    • Ignorant and stupid…..wow…..
      I’m cured!!!!!!!
      When you take your lives, don’t include me in the violence……don’t take it out on others. I will not be a willing scapegoat for your troubles. I can only control a few things in life….wish you folks the best..

      I’m off to ride my bike……

  74. Robin Williams was a exceptionally brilliant writer, skilled actor, comedian etc. Loved by SO many.
    He was worth millions, had beautiful kids, and a beautiful wife. A ‘Doubtfire 2’ movie in the works, and many other avenues awaiting him.
    You’d think he would be the happiest person for all that he had. It sure looked like it. But no. Robin had bipolar.
    I/we knew this for a long time as I try to keep tract of people who suffer it. He also had Parkinsons.
    If his ultra highs were emotionally equal to his ultra lows, OMG. Imagine.
    I cannot even imagine how LOW he felt when he hit rock bottom. But there’s the answer as to why he killed himself.
    He could not bear it any longer. He Would not bear it any longer.
    I ‘got it’. When I first heard of it, I felt so, so sad. Maudlin even. But–I ‘got’ it. –in a minute.
    I was happy he got out of his misery. Quietly, resolved, he did away with the familiar and often unbearable pain of bipolar, and his oncoming knowledge that he was going to suffer more / his Parkinsons, like Michael J. Fox.
    He made a descision, sane or insane, (b/c we go in and out) not to suffer the uber crushing lows this new dx’s was going to offer him. Along w/ the misery of the ilness.
    Do, or can I blame him? no. –Not one iota. He’s free now.
    The old saying that ”when we come into the world we are crying, and all around are laughing, and when we leave this world -all around us are crying, and we then- are laughing” -fits this scenario.
    I will really miss him, b/c I loved how he made me laugh, and how he acted in some of his hilarious and thought provoking movies.
    In certain parts of Europe, this is entirely legal. It’s humane in many ways. Just not for every body.
    He acted on his own plan, and he left on his own boat.
    I’m sorry Robin. I’m so sorry you had more pain than you could handle. But I understand. I really, really do.
    xoxoxoxoxoo

    • I wasn’t entertained by Robin Williams all that much. He was a ‘frantic’ fellow….a coke user….an addict. Hollywood does not always want its circus acts to be models of sobriety and reason. Movies are not real. The separation between truth and fiction plays a huge part in this drama. AA has a ‘serenity prayer’ which gives one an introduction to
      finding a solid spot to sit after spinning in addiction and even depression….it helped me for a moment catch my breath and to grip reality…..rip RW….xoxoxo

      • You’re one in few million. I haven’t seen Hollywood mourn since Micael Jackson died. Did his mania bother you, and did you ever watch any of his movies? movies==genius many times. Coke user? He was sick. Very sick, you know that. He did what made him feel like going on, until he couldn’t anymore.
        Count yourself lucky that you’re still alive.

        • @ gstarry: It never ceases to amaze me how people with drug and alcohol problems and or mental health problems are put in a little box as if they are all somehow doing bad things to themselves on purpose. People that do drugs are trying to find a way to survive and get out of the dark hole they are in. Being sober is very hard, impossible for some. This does not make them bad people. We all know movies are not real (a no brainer), but the man was and he was an amazing one at that! He had talent and brilliance coming out of his hair follicles. He will be missed by millions around the globe. I am sad for all who loved him, but happy for him as he is now peaceful.

          • @ denisx :you seem to have paraphrased what I just said. Good for you. It needs to be said again & again.

            • SN, thank you . . .it was not intentional but glad you approve ;)

              I am rather fed up with people attacking others for wanting to die or dying by suicide as if it is a choice. It is NOT a choice. A choice is what to have for dinner, chicken or beef. People who have never felt my (or anyone) pain of depression or mania or any other MI have no business judging the actions of others. It just shows their ignorance or stupidity.

              SN you are an incredibly articulate writer and I hope you have a book in the works on this subject. I will be the first to buy it.

            • The man was a talent. The man did dope…illegal and legal….this depresses me. Enough dope already. Justify the pain, not the dope. Everyone needs love…….not a pusher. I’ve lived in LA for 50 years. Lived on the streets…reality is gravity and it hurts when we fall down. Can’t stay medicated forever…..It’s important to cope with pain and deal with real life’s emotions,
              voids and daily drama.

            • Gstary, I am sorry but I think you are missing my point entirely and I wish I had the energy to explain better.

            • Well, taking ones own life is one thing….being a responsible loving person with a sense of someone else’s heart and feelings is something else…? Please don’t take your own life. Find some love. ….I am not trying to be entertaining. I do not want to make a living as an insensitive clown. People should manifest concern and love… Not shaming others to the point of absurdity for the sake of comedic euphoria. I have learned to withdraw from society that loves to inflict pain and insult. I distrust the medical institutions and the drug pushers…..
              I will walk away from folks that insist on these things to exist….to be ‘part of society’….I will not be that fellow on the celebrity bus. I detest idols. I will be the last one to help you kill yourself. Let’s reason together how to deal with this barrier.

  75. I agree with you, I’m bulimic, bipolar, ocd and my psychiatrist gives me antidepressants and pills to sleep, I’m not better, but I’m so confused by the medicine I don’t care anymore, I’m escaping from pain and reality like you said, but when I’m sober from the pills and the alcohol I feel sad and upset with no reason, I’m so tired of feeling that way because I can never do thingsa for real, I want to kill myself, not because I don’t have goals or anything, I just want all that shitx to stop. I’d like doctors to find a solution to depression, it’s mentally tiring

  76. Pingback: Suicide facts and stats tell us what it is, but not why it happens | Your Mind Your Body

  77. I have thought about suicide alot you see 4 years ago i had surgery on my back i was numb from the waist down the surgery was a success but now i have lived with severe chronic pain oh and also 4 yrs ago i lost my drivers license due to my vision so now i am stuck at home all day i had to resign from my job of 12 years great pay insurance and profit sharing due to my nedical i could no longer due my job at a forging company. So i lay in bed most of the time in pain the pain pills dont help any more sometimes i lay there and cry from the pain i can barely walk most of the time i use an electric wheel chair when needed i take alot of meds you know diabetes blood clots that i was just in hospital for and yep more pain from those even in my lungs. I have a great wife best woman in the world i love her to no end but i cant deal with the pain much longer i think about injecting all my victoza in me for diabetes i think about taking all my meds at once victoza synthroid methadone deluated xeralto lasynapril gabapentin and take all of it at once i mean i cant get a gun i just dont know what to do it’s not fair that i live with all this pain im supposed to get a pain stimulator put in but Its been one thing after another insurance my pain dr closed now i have to go to another dr so i have decided that if stimulator does not work that i will attempt to take my life….

  78. Really? I want to die and I have known people who truly wanted to die. Two reasons I don’t kill myself: I tried once and did not succeed. It made me feel even more stupid than I already feltl; but foremost, I don’t want to leave my sons with the burden of having their mother commit suicide. If I could find a way to not hurt other people I would to it in a NY minute.

    • I’m not afraid to die. I am not alone on this earth, and it is selfish not to help someone in need. I have found myself mourning over others that are shamed and abused and enslaved…..I’ll live just for the purpose of proving my accusers and taskmasters wrong. I’ll live to spite the control freaks….the Hitlers.. and the rat race of this world..
      I will live alive in turmoil if I must…It is a challenge that I must agree to. I have an attitude problem. I embrace conflict when I am depressed. When the world is a bully…I’m a bullfighter. I don’t serve chaos, I serve truth…..and the truth needs some soldiers….
      Life IS is a mystery and an adventure and a challenge……

      • I think your post just made me love you, stranger. Haha.
        I fight my self loathing so hard that my only real reason for depression is depression itself. I try SO HARD to find a reason- new friends, new job, new dog, new house- that after so many years of forced hopefulness, giving up would be like… Losing. I’m desperate and impatient, but I have turned suicide into my cowards way out. Fight it till you make it.

    • over 20 years ago i overdosed with prescription pain killers and over the counter meds. I actually am a nurse and was Ironically working on a Psychiatric unit. great nurse. When the emergency room doctor asked me if I were trying to kill myself I said no..but I wanted to stop the pain in my life.
      I had four great children.
      I now live a life free from depression…i share my story in my book Depression Free: a Wise Woman’s Guide to Healing and Happiness. http://www.ameenahross.com/#!our-coaches/cktc
      Life can still be challenging but I now have great coping skills in place…I’m tenacious and resilient… I’m passionate about my life and know I have a purpose! YOU do too!
      We all do…sometimes we have to sift through the stuff to find those strengths but everything we need is within us…Sometimes we just need some help uncovering what we have ….I now enjoy my life and my kids and funny 6 grand kids! You are a child of God and meant to shine…
      Trust me I know we can climb out of the dark hole and into the light…not easy or over night …but you can do it!

  79. I have become good at avoiding obstacles…. I ride a bike for a living. The one obstacle I’m not well at avoiding is occasional depression. It’s my blues. This is the way I fight depression. I listen to blues rock and sing along. I’m not joking on this one. I bemoan and grunt and cry with the music…..its not depression- it is a razor edge sympathy with the grieving. It actually helps me to be poor in spirit..not bitter. I ‘forgive’ others their trespasses. I sympathize with the poor and I talk to my own pain and physical ailments. I question all the motives in love and affairs. I don’t listen to folks that insist on living in a box…..find a door. There are many hurting folks on this planet….something spiritual happens when you move to touch their hand and grief. Nobody has a pill or drug stronger than reality…life is bigger than tragedy. It’s not all about you. I become perfect in imperfection and struggle….no doctor or politician has the answer…

    • gstarry, can you please take your AA propaganda elsewhere? I cannot speak for the rest of the folks on here, but most bipolar people I know do not experience “occasional depression” it is slightly more complicated than that. I was under the impression that this was a blog in regards to bipolar disorder, not a sounding board for one of your favorite “shares” on the topic of suicide at your last AA meeting. I have had many years of AA meetings and you cannot fool me. Your comment literally looks like it was a quote out of the big book. No Doctor or politician has the answer? That may be, but there are an awful lot of mentally ill folks sitting around in AA meetings getting advice from a lot of other folks with all sorts of problems, using the excuse of alcoholism as a disease when really the underlying issue is mental illness or depression. AA is a cult. I am sorry if the truth hurts.

  80. i am so alone,, though i have a family they take care of myself but i always feel alone,,, i have no friends,,i am depressed ,,, now i am 19 years old ,,, always something wrong happens with my life,,, i don’t want that my parents face difficulties or anything problem for me neither i want they getting sad for me,,, they don’t treat me as a adult,, i feel always sad,,, i faced problem in my school and now also facing problem in my college,,i am a good student and i have also a dream of my success ,, but now i am thinking i cant complete my study,, i dont know i have any mental illness or not,, i cant make any right decision for me in every moment of my life,,, when i have to make any decision i find many options,,, but always choose the wrong option for me,,, and then i suffer for my stupidity,,, my life is so boring,,, i want to get out from my all problems,,, i dont think to live anymore,,, there is no need to live,,, i want to die,,,

    • Hi AloneGirl,

      I understand how you feel. It is extremely difficult to be young and face this illness. It often results in major isolation which just makes us feel worse.

      What I highly recommend for you is finding a support group, especially for people of your age group. Look up NAMI or DBSA groups in your area. Or contact mental health facilities and see what they recommend: http://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/

      Don’t give up. There are many options you haven’t found yet and there are people out there who want to be your friend, you just have to find them. And once you do, that sense of support and community will help, I promise.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Alone girl please reach out to someone, your parents, friends, councilors at school. Anyone!! Depression does get better, it does lift. If you kill yourself you leave your parents crying for the rest of their lives. Children should not die b4 their parents. Please get help & go to a doctor or even the emergency room. They will help you. Depression does lift. If you kill yourself now you wont know if the depression lifted and you went on to fall in love, have children or live a great life. If you kill yourself your parents lives will fall apart. Ive seen it.
      you can get better, just reach out & get help. Horrible depression does lift. Get help!!
      From one who has suffered from depression. It runs on both sides of my family including suicides. Dont do it.

      • Yes…Alone girl…you have your whole life ahead of you…At a young age I often felt like you do. What I can tell you is that get the help you so deserve so that you can break free of those feelings…Life can be beautiful…yes there will always be challenges but you learn to work through them and you do become stronger…you become resilient…
        Get help that I see has been suggested to you. Learn how to love YOU…fall in love with yourself and treat yourself the way you want to be treated…
        You can do it!
        you can check out my web page where I talk about my book where I share some of my past before working to free myself from my depression! http://www.ameenahross.com
        Think not about want you don’t have but think about the life you want… YOU can write the script for your life. No matter what has happened in the past You and only you can make the decision that you want a better life and then only YOU can take the steps it will take to create that life for yourself. When you make that decisions there will be plenty of people willing to be there to help guide you and keep you strong. You have to trust and believe that and do the work!
        Start writing down and working on that life you want TODAY…don’t let negative thoughts steal another moment of your joy…tell it “Hell NO!” It’s time for me to live with passion and purpose and take the steps to make it happen!

  81. I’ve been a loner my entire life (now 50). I have coped with this disorder for about 35 years. Before I was twenty I considered suicide many times and attempted it once (failed obviously). For a long time thereafter, I managed to avoid it and survive but lately with the increasing pressures of the economic downturn, my partner dumping me, and so-called ‘friends’ who have abused my attempts at establishing meaningful relationships so they could rape and pillage my diligence and charity, I have once again pondered the state of affairs. And I am no knee-jerk reacting teenager. I have researched methodologies and have one in the wings to utilize when my survival instinct stops preventing me from escaping this void, painful, and tirelessly never-ending strife of work and nothing.

    If we must define life and living, it must have some balance between what we must do and what we gain in return for the former. When all of life is the former and none of the latter, it really seems to be augmented by bipolar disorder to the extreme. As in “The Shining”, “All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy”. Or, working your ass off forever and having nothing to show for it but being able to pay your rent, bills, and eat is not a life for a sentient, and by reports, intelligent being. Excepting such conditions in these times is a bit difficult. Anybody with any small level of historical knowledge understands that mental conditions like ours are only exacerbated by the world-wide strife, imbalance, and injustice. It makes it no less difficult to achieve any sanity and level of normality when you see the world, both globally and locally, being ripped apart by maniacal groups who have been in the process of engineering this world coupe for several decades.

    Sorry if I conflate personal with general trends – but there is a link and I feel that *we* are in for more undeserved pain by those ignorant, greedy people who pompously strut about stomping on everybody. They forget us. We are the clarion callers in our despair more often. Either we yell or we go silent. And I am so close to silence…

    • hey Bob,

      we had almost the same story about the friends we keep, mine is mostly emotional drain that i have to do to keep my friends happy but they don’t return the same way. they are not worthy of your friendships, perhaps, you can go to church and befriend those people there, i don’t know, let’s hope you don’t meet any more asshole.

    • I feel the exact same way as these post. Some very much eord for word. People don’t like understand I want & need peace. I don’t want to die perse but at the point to of whatever it takes for peace/happiness

    • M 04/08/14

      Dear Bob,
      Hello there. I’ve just read your post dated 26/07/14 on the http://www.natashatracy.com/depression site and apart from me having found the site for exactly the same reason as you,there are a few things I wanted to let you know about & which you’ll see this time WILL actually be a real help to you,which are:

      1) Firstly I want to say to you here that what you said in your post & and especially where you said that about you loosing your partner & that your life was/is a tirelessly never-ending strife of work and nothing else,was superbly stated by you and spot on – in those respects my own life has been exactly the same & just as bad as yours & I really do sympathise about how you feel & why you have thought about suicide.

      2) Here now are the two ways that really could be of definite help to you:

      2a) Although this won’t help with you loosing your partner,because your severe & suicidal bipolar depression itself just MIGHT & unkown to you actually be caused by some form of illness,& if so or if apart from that depression if you also do also have any serious illness,then you need to know about the following amazing cure that I found out about by sheer accident. You’ll see that although this cure involves something that grows naturally on one of the cannabis plants, it is NOT the normal social drug takung use of cannabis at all, and I’ve given you the ‘Net address of it here below because this cannabis cure has been medically tested & proven to have 100% completely cured serious & fatal INTERNAL cancers but cures WITHOUT the need for any chemotherapy nor pills nor medical drugs AT ALL, AND its also 100% completely cured a whole list of
      other very serious illnesses,including serious depression & alcoholism.

      To watch the excellent 58 minute long free video about it on the ‘Net,just type these words into Youtube’s search box:

      free download Run from the Cure (2014) – Updated !

      Please also note that:

      -although the above cure is one of the cannabis plants,I’m NOT a cannabis nor any other drug user myself & that I therefore WON’T be trying to sell you cannabis,any other drug nor anything else AT ALL,and:

      -depending in which country you live in you will need to get a licence from the Government to legally use cannabis for the above Cure, so if you’re interested,please reply email me & I’ll tell you what you need to do to get one.

      2b) I also know of something even more powerful than the above cannabis cure which can really & definitely help you with literally ALL your problems,but before I can tell you what it is & also because I’ve never seen this film,I need to know why you mentioned the horror film “The Shining” in your post,and please also undersrand that I’m actually NOT saying you would lie to me here,but there is a very good reason why I must ask you to please tell me the truth as to why you mentioned that film “The Shining” in your post,because if you dont, this most powerful of all way to help you here just wont work at all.

      Hope the above has also made you now at least feel a bit more hopeful as well.

      Keith.
      ( in the U.K. )

  82. I am so offended hearing bible quotes. Bullshit. Jesus dies because he made a lot of people angry. Duh
    Everyone has the right to beleive what they want. But asking others to beleive what you do. Or change their thinking is called Esp in religion. Is. Called. PROSELYTISM. And it’s a criminal offense in some country’s
    It’s a serious moral offense. And personally offensive. That’s why some people go to prison for what you are doing

    • I agree with you David and THANK YOU for speaking up, I also get very offended hearing it. Many say they have a personal relationship with their lord. The key word is”PERSONAL”; If it is personal, keep it to yourself. I don’t talk about my personal business because it is not polite to share it in public.

    • Boy, I hope no one ever burps or farts in your presence. Politics, religion, atheism, MS, vaginal warts, constipation, menstruation, impotence, botox, incontinence, cancer, pimples, B.O, hair loss, hemmoroids, face wrinkles, and rotten teeth are spoken about- every single day. That’s life. There IS NO personal anymore.
      We’re not living in a third world country. Some countries would have you killed for having bipolar!
      Say what you want to, and if you don’t like what others are saying, then go home or walk away.
      Socrates, Jesus, Buddah, Confucious, Ghandi, Einstein, even Walt Whitman, ALL had profound things to say.
      It’s part of our culture. So what. We’re ALL geting personally offended by one thing or the other.
      Let it go. It’s only words! Opinions.
      Open your mouth if someone confronts you with an offensive remark, or subject–or take a hike.
      Many people DON’T want to hear or learn about OUR illness–fine w/ me. BE stupid.
      Let’s talk about knitting or needle pointing. Let’s build houses with popsicle sticks. I hate those types of things.
      If you like it,– I’m fine w/ that. How BORING this world would be if we all liked the SAME THINGS?

  83. Cant believe I found this site im amazed theres so many people that feel the same way I do. I always try to put on a smile & mask my pain until something goes wrong then im feeling suicidal. I want to die more than anything theres just 3 things I worry about…my kids. Theyre young I dont want to fk them up.

  84. I want to die. More than anything, I want to die. I’m just a worthless, useless person. Seriously. My head is so fucked up it switches from state to state on an hourly basis sometimes. There’s no medications that helps. I’m just defective. Like some people are born with outward physical defects, mine are inward and a mind that is broke cannot help itself.

    I have tried suicide to get attention and I’ve tried suicide just to fucking die and failed miserably three times. I probably will kill myself if nature isn’t merciful and takes me first.

    I do not want to be locked up in hospitals anymore. No can help me. If they could help me, they’d shoot me n the fucking head when I’m not looking.

    • FR, I feel your frustration and pain. I’ve felt both for about 25 years now. I listened to the doctors and other experts through dozens of trials of “new, improved” medications. I’ve participated in countless group and cognitive behavioral therapy sessions. And I’ve had bilateral ECT twice. Some of us are just broken and irreparable. At least my “loved ones” got away from me. After cheating-on-financially-exploiting-dumping me, they could pursue happier lifes, as this blog’s author advocates elsewhere.

      I just wanted to let you know I get it. Deeply. [moderated]

  85. “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means it gets through many a dark night”. ~Nietzche.
    stunning & genius.

  86. To all of those expressing feelings of hopelessness, I must certainly say that I am right there with you. However, at least some of you seem to have been able to put together some semblance of a normal life. If you were able to meet someone, settle down, have children you are way ahead of me, and I’m 62 years old. I have siblings that would be sad if I were to die, but they would get over it in no time, as they have with 2 other sisters that we have lost over the years. I have always felt I wound up on earth by mistake, that I should have been born in another galaxy. Other people scare and disgust me. I am just not like any of them, and really don’t want to continue to be here. I was raised as a catholic, though, and have always been warned about the “sin” of suicide. Imagine killing myself and finding myself in a place much, much worse than the nightmare this life is. What a cruel joke that would be!

    • The nice thing about death Jerry is that when you die, there is no judgment, all that sin stuff was man made to control to populous. I tired to die; I was on life support and brought back four days later. In that time I saw my husband who died in 2010; It was the most wonderful feeling to see him and be in that place of no judgement.
      I know some people have to believe in something to be on this planet, to feel there is a reason for us to be here. I get that, but it is not real.
      I do not know why anything is on this planet; all we do is pollute it and kill people in massive wars, but since we are here, we need to try and make the best of it. We will be dead soon like it or not. We just try to play the game I guess. Like it or not.

  87. i only feel i am better off dead cause i havent been living a life. i have had numerous symptoms for 13 yrs. such as vertigo, an back spasms an stiffness an weakness everywhere insomnia, an disoriented balance trouble vision trouble ect. everyday like m.s. i am also post menapausal . i am chicken to kill myself if i could i woud be dead. i cannot tolerate medication as these drugs act opposite on me. an herbs an hormones an bio-identical drugs cause problems i have been to everydr. this side of the u.s an even talked with online drs. there is no help for me i also have stage 3 lung cancer in remission which i should nt be stage 3 with all the complaints i had i was diagnosed in 2010 i refused tred. treatments due to severe sensitivities to meds. i probably would be dead if i did them . anyway. if i was feeling ok i would enjoy life its hard to live on a soc. sec. income an feel sick everyday. some folks there is no help i am a difficult patient i see shrinks an i see phychologists an neurologists an oncologists an my cancer is a five yr. survival rate i did surgery but i still feel so not right. so others out there . i feel your pain i understand this anxiety depression . it sucks to all out here hang in there i am . take care all

    • That was heartbreaking. I am a perfectly healthy man with a desire to end my life. I am so sorry about this.

  88. I would commit suicide if I knew it wasn’t going to hurt the people closest to me. I broke back at the age of 18 and had a laminectomy and fusion on 2 lumber vertebra and 1 sacral vertebra. L4/L5 L5/S1. That is basically where you body has its natural bend. What I was left with was extremely bad burning, feels like boiling water in my legs from my waist down in both legs. I had surgical implantation 3 times try 3 different neurostimulators. None worked, I tried very hard to make it work but I still felt the burning alongside the stim sensation. So about a year ago I lose a lot of weight, finish school, have my bachelors and get into nursing school. So I was dealing with all that, was on every pain drug out there but I got off by weaning off. I hope that shows you how much pain and suffering I can handle. I was on at all different times, vicodin, percocet, oxycontin, dilaudid, fentanyl, morphine and methadone. So even with all that I was still dealing with a very bad case of IBS and when I would get the IBS attacks it would also start with these really hurtful ulcers on my tongue and the inside cheeks of my mouth, very stingy and uncomfortable. Now as I have grown older the “attacks” that bring my stomach and mouth into awful moods are coming quicker, staying longer and causing more pain then the time before. About every other time I will get the stomach attack, ulcer attack and they will also lead into a a very painful throat, ears, jaw and even neck and shoulders. My glands in my neck are basically always swollen through these attacks so I feel like everything is just connected somehow. I literally thought I broke a cervical vertebra but nothing showed and it eventually went away. I don’t want to miss out on the next how ever may years of got, but there is a point where if I could get the closest people to agree with me that this is the most human and most loving thing they can do for me I would definitely move forward. Too many times have I sat in a doctors office while he shrugs his shoulders. I should be able to bring mercy on myself! But that’s me

  89. I am all of the above. I have seen doctors, taking medications, tried to stay squeaky clean because I hated the addictions other family members have had. Now I find out one of my drugs I have taken written by a doc is making me a addict. This was my last ditch effort. My shrink basically told me they had nothing else to offer me or would even try. I had been in this state since 14 and now I am 50. I think I have given it a good run or trying. I only stick around for my kids…but I think even now THEY would understand…I just have to decide how and when.
    When I gave birth to my first child I died for ten minutes on the table and I remember the feeling when I was dead. My husband was in Iraq and I was having our first child. I remember thinking that “hey they will have to let him come home now because I am dead. I don’t have to breath…I am at such peace.” I felt sorry for my mom because she was going to have a dead daughter and her first grandchild but I had never known such peace.
    It is that peace that has made it so hard to live…hell is this existence. So I have given it my best try folks.

    • Miss, Somebody,
      You said, “I had never known such peace. It is that peace that has made it so hard to live…hell is this existence.” I say, So perfectly said.
      I was not dead, but in ICU for 4 days. I saw my deceased husband and all I wanted was to be with him. Not only did I feel peace like you, I felt a complete none judgement, a feeling i had trouble describing at first because it was so unfamiliar.
      Hang’n in there too,
      D

  90. What a phenomenal website. Saved this as a favorite, and I’m sure I’ll be back often.
    I am 50 years old.
    How the hell did that happen?
    I”ve been depressed (clinically) for years – decades actually. Wait. Was there a time I wasn’t depressed? If so, I can’t recall it.
    Yes, I’ve done therapy (probably need to again but I truly lack the energy for that now). I’ve tried a list a mile long of medications – and what others have said is true: Medication can work. Depression is chemical. But, the field of medicine is one of trail and error. I’ve also noticed that a medication can work for awhile….then stop. I’ve been on Pristiq for the last . . . 4? years. So far, so good.
    But since April of this year I feel as though the medication has done nothing. I know, however, that that is not true. I fell deep into a slump in April. It would just have been even worse (as hard as that is to imagine) if I hadn’t been on medication.
    Why I am giving all this background?
    Because since April, I’ve been considering suicide. Again. Seriously.
    And, I have to tell you, Natasha is right. It’s not that I want to die. In fact, I now realize that my intense desire to want to kill myself is actually an intense desire to live – just not this life that I am living.
    And I only recently came to this realization. Not that it changes anything, let’s be clear about that.
    I don’t think I realized this earlier because I wasn’t close enough to actually doing it. But I am close now, and the closer I get, the more I can see that since I am so unhappy with my life – and every part of it (work, family, history, finances, all of it!) – that all I can focus on is my desire to escape. And therein lies the twist that I now can see: I don’t want to DIE, I want to escape this life and, since all I can feel, see and touch is a thick layer of hopelessness, the only escape I can come up with is suicide.
    I’m not sure if I’ve explained it well, but I now know it’s true: My desire to die is a twisted craving to actually live.
    Sort of like the way depression is anger turned inward. Opposite sides of the same coin.
    So, now that I know the truth of this – Does it matter? No, I don’t think so.
    But I’ll let you know it this new realization changes anything….if it brings me closer to death or closer to life.
    Stay tuned.

  91. I have been suicidal most of my life, I am 42 years old. I always wanted to believe I was strong willed enough to over come it, bury the past and carve a happy future if i worked hard enough, made the right choices and generally be a good person, so i kept on going …. boy was I wrong, i have had the therapy, medication, and made the big mistake of having children… I say mistake as they are the only reason I am here today and I do wish I never had them. I don’t believe I am a good mum and really have done them major injustice by being their mum. this sux as all i want to do is end the pain in my head,body and soul. I cannot change the past, abusive father, sexual abuse, domestic violence, bulling at school for being not so bright (i’m dyslexic ). I just cannot physically cope anymore, I literally get up in the morning and count the hours till i can go to bed with the hope I don’t wake up in the morning. I now if i was to end it my children will never recover from it and they will have a shit life too at least they seem happy now, so i have no choice but to go on with the hope it will somehow end naturally.

    • @hans
      I understand completely where you’re coming from. I am 42 years old and the mum of 4 amazing children who I often feel I should never have had. They do not deserve to be stuck with a lazy, sad, demotivated, selfish mother like me. But while I’d love to put an end to my hopeless exhistance I believe they’re better off with a crap mum than no mum at all.
      I don’t really have anything to be depressed about!! I mean I haven’t the career I thought I would have. I’m not as qualified as I thought I’d be. My marriage is struggling. And our finances are extremely tight. But … I’ve never buried a child. I havn’t had to survive a battle with cancer. I’m not on the verge of losing my home. My parents are healthy. My children are healthy. Physically I’m healthy. But still depression is a constant in my life.
      I’ve been on meds for 4 years now but probably should’ve been on them much sooner. I am a good, kind person and I want nothing more than to live a happy, contented life. But that’s obviously not an option for me. I believe I will always have the underlying reality of being depressed. I WANT to be “normal”, to be happy, to feel pleasure from everyday life but I don’t think this is ever going to be my reality. I think that lately I’m accepting this and this is in fact contributing to my feelings of hopelessness since I am actually accepting that no matter what I do my children will always suffer too due to their misfortune of being born to me rather than some other happy, smiling, energetic mum.
      It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. But I don’t have the right to choose to die and hurt my children and family in that way. At least not yet.

  92. Depression is not easy. Never easy. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, fear, procrastination – whatever evil it may be called. But one thing is for sure, it is debilitating. It is heart-wrenching. It is spirit-breaking, even mind-freezing. It sucked the spirit of life in you. Makes you feel both hopeless and helpless, often without knowing the reason why. Was it boredom, was it failure? But I was both busy and bored. Can success or money ensure happiness? Was it that simple? The simple answer is no.

    For some idiots, they perceived depression as the new black dress – the ‘in’ thing of today. But how I wish they would actually experience the real thing even for a day, a month, or perhaps years, until they think they’re cursed.

    A clinically-depressed person never see things clearly. Making the most mundane impossible. You simply fear, without knowing the reason of your fears. You achieved success in every man’s definition, yet you can be so unhappy in your own little world- your mind. Your heart is empty, your spirit is non-existing. What happened? Where it happened? You simply don’t know.

    I am a lonely person without people surrounding me. So when I had to be alone, I had no choice but to be unhappy. Pain killers for about 2 years made me create more havoc in my mind. Everything I’ve written above, I have experienced. Wanting to die, without knowing the reason why. Because all I was able to think was how miserable and useless life can be. It even came to a point when I hated mornings. Asking myself, what’s the point? Whatever little left of me I had used to get up again. I moved my small feet and took each tiny little step a time. Until I need not take pain killers anymore. Until I believe in God again, and in His purpose in me. Until I see again the value of my life. Until I have become fed up of the breast-beating, self-blaming negative thoughts and words.

    Now. I don’t want to kill myself. But I want to kill something else. I want to kill depression. I want to stab anxiety. I want to throw away unnecessary fears and prolonged procrastination. I want to live life and make the most out of it.

    Those still on the verge of giving up, DON”T. God is far more powerful than any evil. You are far more powerful than your depression, fears, loneliness, procrastination and anxiety. Life is far more precious and surprising than what you can only see now.

    God bless us all.

  93. Of course people who try to kill themselves want to die. Trust me, I know. It’s just in today’s society of bubbled wrapped everything, especially where I am, the people don’t want you to have that luxury and intend to drag you with them, kicking and screaming. Free will has never existed and never will. It’s just a simple fallacy.

  94. Anyone who put a gun to there head wants to die. That’s all that needs to be said

  95. 6 months ago my fiance announced he was depressed and needed to be alone. He went to a motel 1/4 mile from our home. For 6 months we stayed in constant contact. Everyone thought he was doing so much better and he was coming out of his dark depression. We got the call last Tuesday. He committed suicide. Intraoral gunshot wound. This is the worst thing you could ever do to your family. When you kill yourself, everyone that loved you is going to be broken. They are going to blame themselves. They are going to blame each other. It’s the most horrible roller coaster of emotions and mindfuck I have ever experienced. There is always another option other than suicide.

    • I am very sorry for you and your loss. It is a very hard thing to lose someone to suddenly. I agree with your statement about everyone becomes broken from a sudden death, but even with cancer the survivors ask themselves, “what could I have done?”
      I speak from experience. Just over a year ago I found my best friend face down on my living room floor. Earlier, about 8-10 years back, two cousin died by suicide as well, and I lost a gf and my husband to cancer almost 4 years ago; he died in my arms. The pain of loss got me, finally I attempted suicide myself and nearly made it to “the other side”. So I get how painful loss is.
      What I don’t get is it fair to the person who is suffering from deep depression to have to stay here on earth and live, so the ones still living do not have to go through any suffering? I am not disagreeing with you, there is no right or wrong feeling. It is just a question we all need to think about.
      I don’t have the answer that most would like to hear. My answer is to make it legal. So we can tell people, “goodbye”. If we didn’t have to hide, we may not do it in secret.

      Docs don’t have anything to help us (mentally ill folks) that works consistently. At lease if you have cancer they give you pain meds and you get to die.
      I understand that it’s very hard to see it from a suicidal persons perspective if you have never felt that badly, but it is painful. It is not just a mental pain, it is physical (headaches, joint pain, stomach and more) pain every day, 24/7. If a person is in that much pain, like in cancer, a slow death, is it not kind that we give them permission to leave?
      We are more humane to our animals to let them die when they suffer, why not humans?

    • Same thing happened to me . It’s horrific and nobody will ever understand unless it happens to them. God bless you and I pray you find comfort in your loved ones..

  96. I just have to say that I loved the clarity of Gerrys comment. 30 years passed and not in any way (it seems) happy about surviving previous several decades old suicide attempts. Mine was soon around 15 years ago, and I can’t say that I in any way am happy to have survived it either. I never tried again after that because it was a horribly traumatizing experience to go through it and I didn’t want that to happen again. I surely wanted it all to be over, and most days I wish that still. This is one of those days, and I googled “I really want to die” and found this. The blog owner’s attitude pisses me off, but I’m so glad I found Gerry’s comment. That’s exactly how I feel about my life also, I’m not in any way happy about being alive, and I don’t see why I should be. All I can measure is that plenty of people are worse off than I am, at least one person on this planet is right this second suffering through enormous mental and physical pain, perhaps being buried alive and taking the last breath any second? How does that help me? I’d rather see happy people around me and be inspired by them, but that seems pointless. If they are happy (whatever “happy”) is then that doesn’t apply to me anyway. I just feel that I’ve wasted so much on being alive for so long and that it’s all a complete fucking joke. Just being alive for alive’s sake is utterly pointless. When I’m also Gerry’s age I will feel the same way I do now, and laugh to myself why I put up with this shit for too long. Seriously, if I can prevent it I will just go on a rampage some day soon and kill lots of people and hopefully get shot square in the temple while I’m at it. Dying with that rush of adrenaline pumping through my veins seems nice. I might make it a political statement, but probably not, since I just have no ideology, I have no sense of anything any more. I do not care what happens, but I’m bugged to death about not being able to sleep one single fucking night when I should, and always waking up the next day with lumps under my eyes. I hate this existence and I wish everything wasn’t pre-determined as it is. I wish it would end soon, and I’m so pissed of that i didn’t die 15 years ago, but at least I’ll giggle in 35 years when I will think of Gerry’s post and see that he was correct. True brofist for you bud, no matter our potential friendship we can both agree it wouldn’t help us one single bit of shit. I hate this life and everything in it, including you Natasha, your cheerful and annoying demeanor makes me almost want to cry out of frustration. Sieg heil.

    • So you’ve got lumps under your eyes, you hate everybody, can’t sleep, no sense anymore, (obviously) and you even hate our ”cheery Natasha”–why? She’s had it MUCH worse than YOU. She’s had it SO bad she started this blog to counteract what her illness was doing to her. She was desperate, and sick to death of it all. I hope she’s feeling better and lives a long and happy life— so Seig heil my ass,
      btw….Your name means ”vagina” in Finnish… Pretty! and very fitting!

  97. I am 65 years old now. Between the ages of 28 and 35 I attempted suicide 4 times. Twice by overdosing on barbiturates, twice by trying to drown myself in the bathtub. The barbiturates did not work sufficiently well – I woke up with a terrible headache and a sense of disorientation that is indescribable. And a sense of failure that compounded what was already a difficult situation. As for trying to drown yourself, try to hold yourself down, still, and not writhe and contort yourself. Physically I wasn’t strong enough. I would have tried again, but the sense of failure the 4 previous times was enormous. And how else could you do it and make it work? I am not American, I was not living in a country where I could have got hold of a gun, for example. What I will say though 30 years later now is that if I had succeeded it would not have been a cataclysmic disaster. Life then was dreadful. I was single, desperately shy, heterosexual,a thoroughly nice guy who was physically unattractive to women, extremely sexually frustrated (I had a high sex drive), stuck in a dead end job and getting further and further into debt by the day. It needed practical answers. None were forthcoming. The doctors I spoke to were completely useless. I would also advise people NOT to listen to the people who tell you that things will improve. If they do, it is marginal. There have been some good experiences in the past 30 years, but far more unhappy ones. The world isn’t getting better, it is nearly as bad as it ever was. We survive for the sake of survival and that is about it!

  98. If or when I kill myself, I won’t be announcing it on a public forum. I believe when one decides to kill themselves for this (bipolar etc) reason, then no apologies are necessary. I get it. You wanted out.
    We can feel like doing it, or hint to others listening that we’re planning to, but at the end of the day, we change our minds, b/c we find another reason to live. maybe one reason. And that’s nice.
    The ones that can’t find that one reason- are already gone and we here, know why.
    I figure if I haven’t heard from you for a while, then I’m assuming that you bought the farm, from right under my feet.
    I read this forum several times a week, and also make a few entries.
    On this particular and rhetorical subject, the subect itself is a corpse. I believe that if I was ready to- then nothing would stop me. I’m as serious as this topic.
    I’d like to thank you all for thinking you might have helped me, that’s so kind of you. I’d hug you for trying. Really.
    Bit if you don’t hear from me for a long time, then assume the worst.
    xoxoxoxoooxxoxo

  99. I ‘M AT 20 YRS.OLD PURSUING B.TECH(2ND SEM). I WANTS TO DIE BECAUSE I CANNOT GOING THROUGH MY STUDY .. MY BRAIN IS NOT ABLE TO ADOPT THE STUDY TAUGHT BY PROFESSOR AND I THINK I’M WASTING MONEY FOR MY FAMILY . DAY TO DAY I AM GOING TO THINKING NEGATIVE ABOUT MY CAREER .. I HAVE FEAR FROM THE SOCIETY …EACH INDIVIDUAL … I JUST WANTS TO SKIP THIS WORLD ..BUT SOMETIME THINK I WILL DO BETTER BUT AS THE EXAM RESULT COME I GOT FAILED AND AGAIN MY MIND DECIDE I HAVE CHOOSE WRONG PATH …I GO BACK TO THINK WHAT HAPPEN FOR MY FUTURE .. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND MYSELF WHAT TO DO …PLEASE HELP ME…

    • I would do anything to be 2o years old you have your whole life ahead of you. But killing yourself cause you failed an exam or a course is crazy! I know a lot of people that went to school and flunked out of collage and are doing great! I also know 2 people who went to collage and both did good in school and can’t seem to find a job. But it’s not the end of the world and collage ain’t for everyone. I’m not saying quit but you should keep trying no matter what. Maybe take something different if this course doesn’t work out for you. Man things can be way worse and your not the first kid to fail an exam or a class it happens. I know in some cultures education is everything but it’s not worth taking your life that’s just crazy! Relax and live

    • get tutuering ask for assistance let them no your struggling you need help don’t keep doing what you doing reach out and you wont fail

      • great advice~~get a tutor. I had several tutors! If you feel the field of study is not your cup of tea, you can change it. I started out in one field and switched halfway through. It took a little longer, but I enjoyed it much more. Math was my nemesis. Remember, school is not supposed to be easy, it is supposed to stretch you. If it is hard, then you are doing the right thing. Also know, it is just temporary, you will graduate, find the work you want and hopefully you will feel more fulfilled. Try to enjoy the process if you can. Depression clouds the vision of our hearts. Oh and my school had free therapists too! We had a disabilities office who guided me through the process.

  100. Hello ther I am here to say for all of you a person who loves you and loves so much. This person is Jesus. Jesus loves you, Jesus died to save your life, He trade His life and His power to save your life, and because this, you can live forever. You shall be asking me how can we live forever only through Jesus. I can tell you, Jesus said: “I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” – John 14.6. Jesus is tge life, and it is perfect, He also said: “Come unto me, all that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11.28. Is Jesus asking you for your die? No, He is not. Actually, He want see you alive, but he also want see you living a life beside Him. You gonna find a great motive to live when you know Jesus. God, the Jesus’ Father, is perfect, God loves you so much, and He gave his only Son, for love, love for you. It is wrote on the Holy Bible: “For God so loved the world, that he gaves his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” – John 3.16

    If you have been in agony inside you, let Jesus help you, let him get inside your heart and change your life. If you would like to talk about it, please, send me an email, I will be pleased to talk to you about God, His love and His plans gor our lives.

    May God bless you guys.

    • I am in dire agony inside. I know
      God but it isn’t helping me
      now. I’ve lost all hope, I want to die and not feel
      any more pain.

        • Look you there of high looks, you are probably not whom you appear to be as in this profile photo, but never mind, the truth should be known that we are all slaves to our bodily forms in competing one another, and here is where the depression starts. I would like to conclude that beauty and smiles are surely tricky… are seasonal and only for a short period of time, and while everything about us transforms, we want permanence in keeping our bodies fit through lifting and surgeries… Our values and our features are actually depressing factors to our mind. There are all types of problems throughout humanity and we, as a race, have become too many. I think that there must be a revolt against life and the need to die, at least for the ones who suffer tremendously, by professional help and through encouragement… why try and save us against our will, and for what purpose? Surely after a point in life nothing will ever get any better other than the fact of decaying and dying; sickness of both physical and mental, old age, poverty, war and more suffering… why not revolt against life to bring the end to suffering? How can you help me with my physical and mental afflictions while i am poor and homeless and worthless to my very being? But the problem is not only with the low class people and the homeless, but with the whole of humanity, rich and poor. I encourage myself on daily bases to find strength and the means to end my suffering since all medical failed to cure me. If we as humans have any will, we must learn how to use it towards a better end. I also think that Christ proved it on the cross.

  101. I just cant kill myself because YOLO… And i dont want to make my family sad. It´s been 5 years since i’m depressive. It´s getting worse and worse, i cant smile anymore and i just feel kinda pleasure thinking about my death. But it´s ok. I like my sad life. I like to cut myself, harm myself however. I do this not to kill myself, because life is a precious gift. I just do this because it makes me stop carrying about my real pain. I concentrate myself into a physical pain and it´s great to forgive my non-feeling and non-émotions. Just a way to feel myself happy, because when it hurts outside i feel happy for 1 minute to be Alive and healthy.

    Ps:i dont know if my message was clear, dont speak english very well…

    Just answered because i really agree with this post…

    We need care, hope and happiness… But how

  102. Hi everyone,

    I’m ashamed to be saying and writing this but I am a 27 year old black female with nothing to look forward too. I have always thought about suicide even as a young child and have even cut my wrists but I have never fully gone thru with it. I have a seven year old daughter now and she is truly the only thing keeping me here I also try to stay alive for God but I feel like I have already failed him so what’s the use. I have been in two serious relationships in my life the first one I was beat on and cheated and so i left him for who I thought was my knight in shining armor but it turns out he is a narcissist in Sheep’s clothing. He had me so wrapped up in his lies that he became my world I would have even died for him. I waited around seven years just to be engaged to this guy and we have only been engaged 2 months and he has pretty much let me know that he doensn’t care how much I love him he will never feel the same, if I walk away he will never fight to keep me and also he has tricked me into giving up my life to surround him and now that it’s over I’m left with nothing not even a pot to piss in. I’m pretty ashamed because I always said that would never happen to me but of course it did. Anyway Euthanization may very well be my answer but I can’t leave my daughter she will be scarred for life.

    • you have a child.. that alone is reason to keep living. do every thing for your child. and from one human to another is a hug for you..

  103. I want to die because I feel nothing but disappointment in humanity. I don’t know what love is. I never loved anyone, and nobody ever loved me. “Love heals”?….How would I know? Too broken to play this game called “life”. No joy, no hope, no help, no love. This game is for the young, the beautiful, and the wealthy.
    They can make their unwanted realities go away with charm, beauty and money. When you are aged out, working like a dog for nothing, passed over for promotions and raises (because they are reserved for the pretty young ones with added benefits), well…you are still a flat tire away from financial devastation. I don’t even worry about my dogs. When I’m gone, they will find a way. They are young and smart and beautiful…they will finish well. I tried last night, it didn’t work. Awake again. Oh joy….NOT

    • love does heal. its just finding it.. you have dogs. i bet they love you. sure they will be fine with out you. but they will be unhappy without you..

  104. I am so glad I found this website. I am 19. I go on living but everyday for the past 15 years I have wished I was never born. I think about how much I wish I was dead everyday. Everything seems like work to me. The hardest part of everyday is getting up out of bed. If there is nothing I have to do that day, then I just lay in bed until I have to get up because of hunger, thirst, or need to go use the bathroom. I think everyday I make it through is an accomplishment. I am glad to know I am not alone feeling and thinking like this but just wish it would change. I have been to doctors and am good enough at hiding it so that the doctor I have been to says I don’t even have depression. I know I am depressed though. More recently my depression has resulted in me not caring about my grades in school and am struggling to get back to where I was with grades. I used to be an A student. I struggle with making and keeping friends because of my suicidal thoughts and depression. Please comment back on suggestions of how to deal with this. Also thanks to anyone reading this and know you are not alone with these feelings.

    • Joe: I can only speak for myself; each individual responds differently to treatment and it can take time to find treatment that works for you. But I have made it to 50 and hopefully, one day at a time, I will make it to 100. I have had success treating suicidal and manic phases with acupuncture (which stimulates our natural chemical responses) and indica (non-THC cannabis). Cannabinoids are a natural anti-inflammatory. Suicidal phases are linked to inflammation. MS patients experience suicidal phases more than Bipolar patients for this reason.

      Ketamine and oxytocin are also fast-acting solutions with minimal or no side effects for most patients, though these might be hard to access depending on your health insurance. I understand one company makes a oxytocin nasal spray. Keep in mind our bodies produce oxytocin and cannabinoids naturally, but some of us are deficient in these chemicals due to brain imbalances. These are all immediate, fast acting solutions for emergencies, but can also be used safely as needed and, with the exception of ketamine, NONE of these are addictive, nor is there a requirement for daily, regular use. Bipolar is hard to treat because you are treating two different conditions and it can flip flop quickly. Think of it as taking care of a baby: you can thrive with regular attention as needed, but you will have immediate needs and you will need to be patient with yourself.

      Cognitive Behavior Therapy has been very helpful to me for managing daily life. I have been working with counsellors who are graduate students in Psychology. Many schools who offer psychology degrees offer such student-provided services, which are supervised by professionals (who in turn contribute to your treatment). They generally work on a sliding scale basis. I paid $15 per 2 hour session in the past. I have found graduate students to be much better than professional Psychologists, because they are very motivated to graduate and have success with their first patients. They are also up on the latest research and techniques, unlike professional MD’s who seem to coast on out-dated research and glib responses.

      I find it helpful to participate in online discussions like this. It can be lonely and frustrating to be surrounded by healthy people who cannot comprehend what you experience all day, every day.

      Keep trying and don’t give up. Remember this is a medical condition and it’s not your fault. There are promising recent advancements in individual genetic-based treatments, which can pinpoint your chemical imbalance and address it, rather than carpet-bombing your brain with unnatural chemicals (which produce side effects and are addictive)

  105. Natasha: Medical Marijuana is prescribed for depression. Both marijuana and acupuncture have been used successfully to treat suicidal patients. I understand this was not your goal that night, but alcohol and marijuana are not on equal terms when you are pointing at our demons. Like Lithium, marijuana takes away our urge to hurt ourselves or others, which is sometimes what we need to get through this day. When you consider that Suicidal and aggressive behaviors are typically linked with inflammation, any anti-inflammatory should, in theory, be helpful in this state. I am not anti-pill, fyi; I just happen to be pill intolerant (due to arrhythmia and other counter indications)

  106. i am 48 year guy and no aim in life i am govt servant i am married and having three children. just got transfer from civil to defence account as auditor i want to go back to my parent deptt in delhi. please help me or suggest something.

  107. I am 55 years old and have never been diagnosed with depression but as i look at many of the comments I realise that is how I am. I go about my regular daily chores like a ghost. A zombie has more motivation for being alive than me. I don’t feel anything for anyone and the words,”I love you”, that I say to my two children are just words without emotion. I want to die and I’m presently looking into euthanasia which I believe you can pay for to resolve my misery. Guilt is the one thing that holds me back as I will leave my children behind. Friend I have none . Most people I have associated with over the years have been acquaintances except for a stint when I became a Christen but my faith died too!! So what is there to live for. As I have looked back over my diary entries I find myself in the same place just a few months or years down the line. If someone knows who to contact in Switzerland where I believe euthanasia is legal please help me out. Forever I have never known what to do as a career and I should be thinking about retiring now not scraping around paying my bills from month to month!!!!! Argh!!! Pain, it is not even that. I am constantly numb to the fullness of life!! HELP ME DIE . . . . PLEASE

  108. I am so tired of waking up in the morning hating every single second that i am alive I’m at school putting the smile I always put pretending everything is fine that the whole world is unicorns and rainbows. School is no longer a place I enjoy just place that keeps me from ingesting all the pills that I can. But everytime I reach a low I can’t seem to do it, I think of my sister how can I leave her with a drunken asshole of a dad. I can’t leave her not yet as much as each day becomes more of an agony I have too pull through for her for the one special girl who so many times has helped me see that she is the last reason I have too live too watch her grow into too something amazing im just afraid that this feeling of being alone and hopelessness doesn’t get too me first…

    • Hi Edgar,
      I hope you hang in there, you are still so very young and kind. Thinking of your sibling is commendable. I cannot say I did that, I had to get out and never thought twice about my brother. selfish me. What a wonderful person you are.
      I am not sure where you live and what kind of services there are, but i know there is a toll-free teen hot line. I am not sure if you are in college or hs, but there are counselors in both that should have resources to help you deal with your dad and the alcohol issues. If he is hitting you, if worst come to worst, there is the foster care system. In the mean time, you can talk with the school counselor. Please don’t give up. Your sibling would indeed be devastated by your loss and could follow in your footsteps. It is not uncommon. I had two cousins kill themselves. it was hard on all of us. Not to lay a guilt trip on you, but I know there are people who love you and will wonder to themselves, “what could I have done?”
      You will move out of your home some day and maybe share a place with your sibling! You can at lease be amazing support for each other. My sister and I talk all the time about what life was like growing up. It is the only thing we have in common, but I love that there is someone to share and to bounce the crap off of.
      Hang in there OK?

  109. I have wanted to die before I was born, constantly in pain and hate myself, my mind, my body, my past life, nearly drove into a lorry once but kids were in car :-(, I really don’t want to be here, I get up, I struggle, I get kids to school, I go to work, I feel useless at work and unlinked, want to be on my own but have mortgage to pay, I go home, I cook/clean/ I go to bed..I can’t sleep, I want to die, the thought of leaving the kids has kept me going but now I’m thinking they would be way better off without the nut job mother that god has not blessed then with……. I want to die and I don’t know why!!!! I have no disorder to explain the need to die!!!

  110. Hi

    First of all, english is not my mother language, so excuse any mistakes.
    Why do i want to die?
    Because i’m afraid of living…sounds dumb, i know. I’m 25 and i don’t know what i want to do with my life. Since i was a kid, i never knew what i wanted to do when i reached the adult age. This thought made me skip college, because i didn’t want to waste money without being totally sure what i wanted to do. 6 years later and i still don’t know what i want.
    But, i do know what i don’t want!!
    I don’t want to wake up every day and drag my self to a job i hate making minimum wage (i’ve been doing that for a while) .
    I don’t want to start a family because i would make them miserable. I think it would be very irresponsible on my part to even consider that. How can i make anyone happy if i’m so unhappy???
    I think death may be a solution. Why should i live a miserable live trying to find bits of happiness here and there? After all, happiness is what we all want, but only a few can really get it….

  111. I’ve been feeling suicidal for a long time. Don’t know why I keep on living. I am diagnosed as having Depression and on medication but the medicine doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve been getting worse and going downhill since Oct. Things have been terrible at work and I have anxiety every day when I’m there. I want to quit but cant. I can’t stand how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m so down and tired. I don’t want to do anything just sleep all the time. Death seems better then the shell of a life that I have now.

  112. Let me just say this about the comment you made, and don’t worry this statement is said the world over. The statement I am referring to is that ” people that talk about and/or desire to commit suicide don’t really want to die, they just want to be out of their pain”. Well then I am that one in a million people who suffer Bi-Polar and have wanted to die for several years. Oh yes, I am pretty functional and take my meds. But if I thought I could find a way to do it and be absolutely sure that I wouldn’t wake up in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat, I mean absolutely sure……..I would do it in a heartbeat. I have had enough therapy to obtain CEU’S and still drag myself to therapy. Am in in pain? Sometimes more than others. My life has been frought with so much pain and heartache tho that for me, at least, I’ve just plain had enough. And I am fully aware of course that there are people out there who have suffered much more than I have. But really that’s all relative. Am I suicidal right now or have I been this week? No. I just wanted to make a point that I believe that some people really do want to die because like I said they’ve had enough and just want to be done with ALL of it. They are either just too exhausted with the constant struggle and /or don’t want to hang around for the next “round”. I’m sick of hearing they don’t want to die!!!!!they just want out of their pain. Especially at a certain age in life when you’ve learned, felt practically everything there is to feel and know about pain and struggle and deep down you “know” this is pretty much how you are going to feel until you finally drop dead on your own, that’s when and how I know that for me, I’m done. Thanks for letting me say how I felt on this subject. Suzie

    • very well said susie. you see, i believe suicide should be open to discuss without worry of being locked up. i bet then the rates of suicide would go down, as many attempts are after being locked up. check out the hemlock society you can get the book at the library.

  113. We are so many people that had the feeling of – we don’t want to be here anymore and don’t want to live anymore. It’s been six years since my diagnosis and start of medication. Although we had to sort through a lot of meds – and still do because circumstances change – I know I can live an awesome life – although it still doesn’t feel that way sometimes. AND I know I am not alone and there is others like me – I think by sharing how we feel we can help each other and the most important for me is – I know my medication helps to keep me stable and I know I can be of help to others by sharing. I am also a more depressed bipolar – like Natasha – but I have a friend that is a manic bipolar and we support each other.
    WE are not alone and there is a lot to be learned from other people’s experiences. i think we are actually very strong people! AND higly intelligent!

  114. rishabhS, You are not your pain and suffering…there is a part of you that is way beyond that that wants to help you through what you are going through…your own Higher Self…that part of you is your best friend in the world and will not leave you no matter what…I know because I know what it’s like to be in the middle of a mess and feel hated. I know you still have dreams and goals you want to fulfill deep down inside. Don’t give up, you are wanted and needed in this world…There is a plan for your life just waiting to unfold…Peace, Caroline

  115. having read and skimmed most of these post i find my self in different situation.
    i have not let my glass get full, i have not gotten my self in trouble and need a quick way out.
    my suicidal behavior is a result of my upbringing

    Beating stepdad
    mindfucking biological father
    weak mother
    and all the crap that follows out side of them home…… naturally.

    im 32 now live on my own and out of the family.
    but i still fight this endless battle. why? because i hate people, i hate the human race.
    i am the way i am through torture and all there is to say to it is…….. life isn’t fair.

    people is why suicide is so common today.

  116. We actually do want to die, if you are personally not suicidal then you honestly don’t have any idea what you are talking about.

    • i totally agree with you asshat. some of us really do want to die. 54 yrs old, had this crap too long. i want to be done with it! one day. . . soon!

  117. finally someone who understands. i just want the pain to stop. im tired of being judged, looked down on, made to feel like i will never do anything right. feeling everyday like it was a mistake. hearing people tell me i understand but when i have a bad day they get mad. i cant afford medication i aint been on it in years. i just wish someone one would understand what its like to always feel like you are god’s personal joke. from the time i was 3 everything was bad. being bi-polar with add and adhd and multiple personality disorder just makes getting up each day shit when it seems like the only thing i ever have to look forward to anymore is someone getting mad at me for something. will anyone ever truly understand how i feel

    • I feel the same sometimes. Im going through an emotional breakdown. My mom keeps on crying over my dads drinking issue. Im a “settler” in my relationship. She doesn’t care if I go out on date with any girl because she knows that no one will go out with me. She is good. Everybody makes fun of me saying you are just lucky or it was just by chance that you got into a relationship with her. I want to end things now. I cry everyday. I try to kill myself alot but nothing works. I get distracted. I thought the only way to make myself feel a lil normal again was to find people like me. Ones who could understand what all I go through. This is my last attempt to give myself one more chance. Inbox me…
      email id – singhrishabh92@gmail.com

      • Hi Rishabh,

        The feelings of suicide are as you know a result of your depression and situation. From what I am reading, I feel your mom has plenty of her own issues, and she is using you in a number of ways to help cope herself. She doesn’t mean to be troublesome, nor do you, but it does not sound healthy. Is this what is called co-dependence?

        People used to make fun of me all the time. I had those nasty feelings of being unwanted and useless, etc. Sometimes I still do. However, with some counseling, changes in situation, and decent medical care I have improved tremendously. One of the most helpful things for me is work. The people at work see me for who I really am instead of just seeing my illness. I have someone to thank for that, “Grumpy,” because I would not likely have made one week at work without her. What did she do? She smiled at me the first time I was on the floor, and smiles at me ever since. We’re casual friends but she is still a great help to me. Was I lucky she was there or was it just chance? Was she? I do not worry about luck or chance. Everyone meets by chance really. Let me try something about this issue:

        A boy [or girl] often felt alone or bored, so he would go walking in the river bed nearby. Sometimes it was in flood when storms were really bad and all he could do was sit on the bank wet and miserable. Eventually, the waters would begin to recede and he could go walking again. Sometimes he would find really pretty, shiny, smooth stones. He liked them so much he started taking them home and putting them where he could see them. Sometimes he was really sad when he got home because the stones turned out to be cracked and very fragile, and other times they simply slipped through a hole in his pocket. Other times, friend came along and decided they liked the stones and took them. Resuming the walks, the boy still looked for the pretty stones, but stopped taking them home. He reasoned, “what is the point? The stones are just illusions. They will just fall apart or someone will take it from me.” So, when he saw a pretty stone, he either kept walking or picked up and skipped it across the water. It was so smooth it would skip nicely after all. Eventually, he decided it was worthless to even look for the pretty stones any more. He would just go walking in the river bed, hoping a storm would come along and a flash flood would occur. But even though storms came and went, the flood never did, despite the predictions of the weather service. One day, after a storm left the banks of the river slick and covered with mud and debris, he went walking again. Suddenly, he steps on something and cut his foot. At first he was angry and swore not to go walking again. Didn’t he have enough trouble already? He decided to see what it was that cut him so he could pick it up and throw it in the river. He found a heavy, mud colored rock with lots of sharp edges, places where it was flaking, but it had some spots where it glistened. He was curious, so he washed the the rock off some in the water, and found the rock was studded with small, beautiful crystals embedded in the rough, jacked substrate. Why was it so heavy? He tried to smash the rock to see what was inside. He was able to see that it was gold colored inside, but it was not gold. What is this, he wondered? So he took it home, and put it on his shelf. Others would come by, and they would laugh when they saw it. “That is an ugly rock!” some would say. The boy would take the stone, look at it with a smile, and say, “but I like it. I’m glad I found it.” Sometimes a few more flakes would fall off, or he would get cut again, but he learned not to mind. With all of the handling, the stone became smoother and the crystals shined more and more, and more were discovered. “I’m glad I kept that rock,” he eventually admitted, “It is very interesting, and even though I have gotten cut on it, I heal, and the new things I find about the rock make me happy.” One day he took the stone to the geology department at a nearby college, and a professor helped him to identify the crystals. “Where did you find this? You realize you could be very rich if you could find the source. These are precious gems. The gold colored rock is just fool’s gold, but that is valuable, too.” The boy thought a while, and said, “I just happened to cut myself on the rock while walking in a river bed after a nasty storm. I do not know where it came from. The storms of life washed the rock to that place. I count myself very rich just for finding it. That is enough for me. Fool’s Gold you say? Isn’t that made of iron? That is very strong, iron. Very useful. So what I found is a very strong gem box. Wouldn’t that make you happy?” The professor thought a while, “Yes, I think I understand. I wish I could be so lucky.”

        So, what is the point of the story? Who is the “ugly” stone, and who are the “pretty” stones? Both you and the girl you speak of are the “ugly” stones. The story says much if you think about it. I have to go for now, but feel free to send an email or comment. It might take a while for me to respond, but you are far stronger than you think, and the people who laugh are either jealous, struggling and afraid to admit, or have yet to be hit by a storm. If a real storm hits them, guess where they will turn. To you. What you are gaining is experience, painful, but experience to help yourself and others in the future. Each of us has a different experience, so I’m not going to say, “I know exactly how you feel.” I do not, I cannot. However, I can empathize because I have gone through many storms and still am. I have thought about suicide, but a girl who “hurt” me deeply said something, I do not remember what exactly, but ever since then suicide has not been an option. The thought has come along, but I squash it somehow, either by distracting myself or calling my doctor immediately to get help. The truth is, the girl did not hurt me, I did. I chose to hurt, but I also had the brain chemistry issue that made it very hard for me to cope as well. I am thankful for that girl, and many others, who were the shiny stones in my life.

  118. I am a 22 year old male, been mentally ill for most if not all of my life. Problems with delusions, paranoia, stress, anxiety, and mood swings. But that’s not the worst part, God do I wish it was! The worst part is, that I’ve developed a neurodegenerative condition. Started back in late 2008, my vision, ears are all messed up and I am cognitively impaired. I think I’ve always been impaired in the intelligence department, but it has gotten worse over the years. Basically it is or is something similar to MS. I control it by eating healthy, staying away from gluten and dairy, but I have come to a realization that it is probably to late to fully recovery. My best bet is stabilization, so I have fallen into depression. I see no point in living anymore, I feel numb. The only reason why I am living is for my family, there is no other reason. I am not trying to pity myself, there are so many others out there in the world that have it harder then me, its just hard. I WANT to live, I daydream about it everyday, how I want to be healthy, to have a sweet girlfriend, to be smart, and the list goes on, who doesn’t want to be healthy and successful? Either way soon or later it will end.

    • Hi Joe,

      I’m sorry hear you’re in just a spot. I’m sure it is very difficult for you. One thing I would like to tell you is that while you claim to be “not smart” you sound plenty smart in your comment here. Is it possible you are being too hard on yourself? Feeling smart is often a matter of confidence and not of a specific IQ.

      I can understand that being diagnosed with a neurodegenerative illness would be very difficult but perhaps it is reason to live the best you can as soon as you can and take advantage of what you have today. Maybe you will have less tomorrow, maybe not, but today you have something. Maybe you can celebrate that something.

      And as for your depression, I recommend getting it treated. You don’t have to feel depressed. Many people with a serious illness get depressed, but they feel better with medication and therapy. I know that can sound very difficult with your mental health history, but it is possible.

      I hope that helps. Hang on. You’re not alone.

      – Natasha Tracy

  119. It’s sad that I’m almost 14 and I’m ready to let go. It’s selfish but I’ve been selfless for most of my life. I’ll probably be thought of as a drama queen if I posted something like this on fb which I recently deleted. My friend or ex friend just added up to the pile of pain I had growing again. I got over being sad for about 3 months then it came back. We got into a couple arguments lately and he tells me that we should stop talking and that he’ll still be my friend but we won’t just talk and to hit him up when I’m ready. I knew a day like that would come but I wouldn’t think it would be 2 months after I met him. He says I need a break and he was the one saying he wants to figure me out. If he really did, I think he would have stuck it out or something. I’ll probably continue to cry and think about him and tell myself I don’t need him or anyone else. I just need someone to listen to my story.

    • Hello friend (you _are_ important),

      Believe it or not, understand how you feel. I was your age when I first started contemplating suicide. I was doing awful things to myself and I was in too much pain every day. I never thought I’d live to see 20.

      But I did, and you can too. It’s _not_ time to give up.

      One thing I can tell you for sure is that things get better. At 13 your life is not your own and there are too many factors beyond your control acting on it. But it gets better. Once you are able to define your own future, put your own food in the fridge, make new friends, go to a school you choose or get a job you choose things _will_ be different. You just need to hang on until you can get there. And you can do that.

      I would recommend getting quality counselling as soon as possible. Honestly, people _can_ help you through this time. People your own age are wonderful and important, but others may be able to help more.

      Please see here for a list of helplines and mental illness resources: http://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/

      You can do this. You can keep going. Your life will be yours and it will get better.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • YOU ARE IMPORTANT MAYBE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FAILED TO SHOW YOU LOVE OR APPRECIATION FOR YOUR INDIVIDUALITY. IF I WAS YOUR MUM I WOULD LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SO YOUNG AND HVE YOUR LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. DONT B LAME YOURSELF FOR OTHER PEOPLES INADEQUACIES. mAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR FAMILY THAT HAVE REJECTED YOU THAT THEY HAVE TREATED YOU BADLY. DONT WORRY ANYMORE DARLING THINGS WILL GET BETTER DONT LABEL YOURSELF NOT IMPORTANT AS YOU ARE

  120. I can’t believe a doctor told you that! Please don’t hurt yourseLf on the word of some heartless bitch. Find a new doctor as quickly as you can and hang on to the knowledge that you help lots of people including me. I’ll be thinking of you during this rough time

    • Hi Martha,

      Luckily for me I wrote this almost two years ago and I did make it through. It’s really tough when a healthcare provider steals your hope, or tramples it, as the case may be, but I didn’t let the words of this heartless bitch kill me.

      Thank-you for your thoughts. I know many people going through this right now appreciate them.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Some doctors and therapists are bad for you. If you have a bad feeling the first time and it is not just nervousness due it being new, run, and maybe file a complaint. I had a nasty experience thanks to boundaries on a map and red tape forcing me to get help from a new place when I had help that was working on the other side of the boundary. What happened? I ran out of money for insurance and could not self-pay at the other place. I went one time to the new place. I filed a complaint (which was obviously ignored), kept my regular psychiatrist who worked with me, and my therapist managed to find a way to help me for free. I was very fortunate for that, but it did mess up my progress still.

  121. Natasha,
    I am so grateful you posted this on facebook today. It’s incredibly relevant to my current situation fiddling with meds that only seem to make it worse. It is about the pain and not wanting do die, but for me it’s the fear of being impulsive. I hear that in this post too. But thanks for giving me some insight and hope even in what feels like hopelessness.
    K.

    • Hi Katie,

      I used to not fear being impulsive as I’m the kind of person that plans everything out. Then one day I was chopping an apple and stabbed myself in the arm completely without thinking. Now I realize that I _can_ be impulsive just like many other people. (That was a very bad idea, FYI.)

      All I can say is that I have made a pact with myself not to commit a final act without greater thought. You know, you’re in no position to make a good decision when you’re in agony, and it’s when you’re in agony that this decision is likely to come up. It’s a catch-22, really.

      One thing I can say is it might help to make a pact with another person – someone close to you. Promise to reach out to at least one other person before going through with anything. They might not change your mind, but then, I find other people can be a helpful reality check.

      There are things here to live for. Others can remind you of that even when you’ve forgotten.

      – Natasha Tracy

  122. I don’t think I have ever seen it written out in words as your thoughts and have so much meaning..thank you
    I understand I want the pain to end, the suffering and sadness. When I look at it death does seem to be the answer. Deep down do I want to die….no…I have loved through the suicides of my father, his brother and a first cousin. So I know what the left behind part feels like and it sucks. I have 3 sons my mom and 2 grandkids…I don’t want them to suffer…however I sure would like mine to end….I hope you are doing well N, as well as the others here….maybe a unicorn will show up and change my life…..ahhhh always the dreamer I am…

    • Hi Lostinoz,

      You’re an example of exactly what I’m talking about, you don’t want suicide, just an end to pain, but you’re thinking enough to know that suicide isn’t much of an answer as it tends to just spread the pain around.

      I don’t know about unicorns, but I know I’m not suicidal. I know that the meds combination I’m on right now is decent. And I know that’s something.

      Don’t give up. There might just be a unicorn, or at least some sort of horse, in your future.

      – Natasha Tracy

  123. Hi N,You don'y know me, but I just started bloggin's about my bipolar, though I have been bipolar for quite sometime ( I was in denial). Anyway I feel your pain, I haven't had a med. doc tell me it's hopeless, but that's how I feel. That doctor stole that little bit of fight and hope you had left in you. Like the others said, I'm going to go into the cliche lines on how life is great, overcome the challenge blah blah. If you truly want to die, at least get all you can out of this life. Make your bucket list, do all the crazy shit you've always been scared to do.You have the shell of a body, so live it up. Once you kill the shell, your consciousness moves on to another realm. Whether that real is hell, purgatory or another life. Live this up. While living exercise, eat holistically, mediate, do some yoga ( if you are not already doing these things), so you can control the episodes just long enough to cross the next item of your life.This is all just offering and I wish you well with your choices.

    • Hi Moody Chic,

      Thanks for your wishes. Luckily this was written almost two years ago now so obviously I got through the awful times. Unfortunately when people are sick they are rarely prepared to cross things off their bucket list but sometimes we can focus on the next day or the next pint of ice cream. OK, that last one is a secret between me and Ben and Jerry.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Yep. That’s the bitch with BP. We have it until we push up the daisies. And while we know every low will eventually pass, if we can bare waiting that long, we know the bastard will return eventually. It’s not like that for everyone but it is for some of us. And for those of us with the Ultradian kind, those switches, even when the highs and lows are not too extreme, they are soooo wearing. Indeed, those of us who are also with Dysthymic Disorder, we have the Chinese water torture of a drip drip drip depression all the time anyway.

      Of course, you do realise that some people here are depending on you to survive: If you go down, those who find critical support in your blog will tumble into the abyss after you. No pressure! :¬)

      But who props up you when you need support? Anyone? This is not an open invitation for everyone, but you know my email. If you want to let off steam, email and I’ll give you my Skype number so you can talk it out, if you need to.

      • Hi Graham,

        That’s something I have trouble with too. I try to focus on the idea that lows will pass but I’m steeped in the knowledge that they will always come back too. I’m a primarily depressed bipolar, so for me, it’s the biggest issue.

        Oh yes, no pressure on me :) I have actually thought about what it would be like for me to go “missing” from my readers. I have no desire to find out what would happen then.

        I have trouble finding people to prop me up, I admit it. After my best friend deserted me a few years ago I have had a hard time really trusting anyone. Thank-you for the invitation. Your openness is welcome although I don’t think I’ll likely take you up on it. It’s a gift nonetheless.

        – Natasha Tracy

  124. I don't know what to say , I am in the same place you are. I like what Anon said. I can give you psychobabble about Durkheim and 5 types of suicide and bullshit and what not. And how your cats will not be happy walking around your corpse and they will miss their human mother. And how we will miss you and I will miss my friend. And I will tell you unless you have a real good friend who will take those babies, they will wind up being put down too. My meds stopped working I understand. I gotta try brand new ones again, and probably a hospital and I am ready to check out or say lets make a pact to do it together after our fur babies are taken care of. But lets make a pact instead to try to get through and get our novels published so our fur babies and shred them? Lets give it another year? Does that sound good? I'm drowning too, but I am offering you my life preserver. We can share it and lets not drown. OK?

  125. I know the place you are in as well as you do yourself. And I know there is nothing I can say to truly make you feel any better, it's all supid cliches and things you've already told yourself a thousand times. When I feel like you do now, I make lists. Lists of music I like. Lists of things which make me feel better. Lists of people I wouldn't mind terribily talking to me right now, lists of books I find interesting. And above all, I listen to Stephen Fry read me Harry Potter. Because Stephen is Bipolar, and if Stephen can get me to sleep, with the understanding I've convinced myself we have, then it will all be okay in the end. I don't know you, but make the lists and find your Steven Fry, and release your pain, I won't begrudge you that, I once broke my own leg to do the same, but I understand your pain, love your blog, and feel we live very similar lives. Find a new doctor, there is something at the end of the tunnel and we both know it, even if we can't see it right now. Most of the love in the world, and then some, and a little piece of hope, Anna

  126. You are not going to die you are not going to commit suicide because the grandson of your second child is going to be very valuable in curing and undertstanding mental illness. I need you to live in order to cease wanting to kill myself

    • are you effing serious? you have no effing clue what it is to have a MI. ya don’t lay a guilt trip on someone who wants to die, that is unkind and heartless!

    • I get this person. Crying out for a life line to a single cyber friend- that means so much to him, that s/he’s virtually begging you (Natasha) not to leave this world intentionally. He feels he needs You to go on living, so that he too can go on. He’s projected his faith, your promise -into your unborn.
      s/he believes that much in you.
      What very powerful, and caring words….