Everyone experiences emotional pain, and sometimes that pain can be very difficult to bear. However, I posit that people with depression experience exaggerated emotional pain. Depression causes emotional pain in and of itself, of course, but what I’m talking about is regular, everyday emotional pain being exaggerated because of depression. This is similar to how depression worsens physical pain, which I have written about before.
Depression and Emotional Pain
As I said, depression causes emotional pain. It does this through several means. It does it directly through a depressed and sad mood, it does it through guilt, it does it through feelings of worthlessness, it does it through anhedonia (an inability to experience pleasure) and it does it through obsessive thoughts of suicide, among other things.1 All those things are extremely difficult to bear. And a person with depression may experience them every single day. Believe me when I tell you, we don’t have a single spoon left with which to deal with additional pain.
Exaggerated Emotional Pain Because of Depression
But on top of that, what I’ve noticed is that depression exaggerates emotional pain from other sources. For example, if you break up with your partner, depression is going to make you take it much harder than you otherwise would. Even something simple like a misunderstanding with a friend can feel like the end of the world with depression. I think of it like this: If emotional pain were on a scale from one to 10, we experience the ones, twos, threes, of emotional pain all the time from the little things that happen to us every day. Unfortunately for people with depression, those ones, twos, and threes feel like sixes, sevens, and eights. It’s like someone takes the nick on your skin and yanks it wide open and spills your blood everywhere.
And, yeah, this hurts. It’s genuine, horrible, emotional pain that we have to deal with and it doesn’t help that other people look at us like we’re crazy because we get so upset over things that are so little.
Depression and Exaggerated Emotional Pain
But here’s the thing to remember: When you feel emotional pain that isn’t reasonable for the given situation, it’s not you, it’s the depression. It’s not that you can’t handle hard events or emotional pain, it’s that what you’re feeling is pain that is very hard to handle. Yes, I know that other people deal with an everyday nick with a small Band-Aid, but you may not be able to do that. You may need stitches or even a tourniquet. And this is not your fault. This is the depression beating you when you’re down — which depression absolutely loves to do.
I say this all now because I have to remember it myself. I have to remember that even though I feel like a delicate flower made of the thinnest glass, that’s not really me, that’s what depression forces me to seem like. The real me, the real Natasha, is strong and powerful and deals with more pain before breakfast than most people do on an average week. I am amazing.
And people who live with chronic depression are amazing because of how they are able to handle emotional pain, not to mention exaggerated emotional pain every single day. Remember, the people around you have no idea the battle you’re fighting. They can’t necessarily see the warrior you are. But that’s why it’s up to us to make sure we see and thank our own warriors.
So if you’re in pain, and you feel like it’s exaggerated emotional pain because of depression, just know that you’re not alone. Use all your coping skills, talk to a therapist, vent with friends, do whatever you need to, but just know that the depression is not you no matter how much pain it inflicts and how seductively it says you’re broken. You not. You’re sick. And you’re fighting. And you’re amazing.
Source
- Soreff, S., Bipolar Disorder Clinical Presentation. Medscape, Updated May 30, 2019.
I’ve suffered terrible depressions and anxiety for most of my life.
When I was 6 years old my parents divorced. After my dad moved out we went to live with an uncle (my dad’s brother) who was in the process of getting a divorce at the time (his wife had left him because my mom was having an affair with her husband).
When I was 9 years old I was molested by this uncle who my mom then married a year later. I felt extremely vulnerable, trapped, hopeless and helpless.
It wasn’t until I was 18 and left home that the floodgates opened and I had the courage to tell my story.
But instead of being supported by my family, especially my parents who were extremely paranoid of what I might say to a counsellor, I was gaslighted, met with flat out denial and accused of all sorts of terrible things.
My (adoptive) mother had basically abandoned me to save her damn marriage! (While my biological mother had already previously abandoned me at birth to adoption).
This upbringing literally drove me crazy – I had a breakdown as a result of it which landed me in hospital where I was put on a bloody antipsychotic, although I was NEVER psychotic! I was so severely overmedicated I could barely move. When I got out off hospital I promptly stopped taking it so that I could function again
As a result various traumas, I developed complex PTSD. And as an adult painful vaginismus (caused by severe anxiety/panic attacks). Because of this I chose to abandon all sexual relations because it was just too painful, both physically and mentally.
Even a routine pap test became impossible. It felt like shards of glass being shoved up my vagina. For this reason alone I constantly fight with my GP about getting them. I absolutely refuse to have them anymore. For me it’s purely psychological. The vaginismus is an involuntary response to the traumas I’ve suffered.
My main coping skill while living at home was to stuff my feelings by binge eating. Later purging as well because of my mothers incessant negative comments about my burgeoning weight. She was naturally skinny and didn’t have a clue about eating disorders but even if she had known about them she wouldn’t have cared anyway.
When I got out on my own I continued to binge and purge but would also sometimes starve myself to the point of anorexia and on a couple of occasions even pass out because of it.
I’d also self harm by cutting when it got so bad that even my eating disorder was no match at quelling the suffocatingly overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions that swirled about in my head.
Growing up money was always tightly controlled by my mother. She’d hang on to my bank book. The only time I was able to have it was when we went to the bank together and I was allowed to put money into it my account. (But I was never allowed to take any money out of my own bank account!!!).
It’s no mystery to me why, when I got out on my own, I developed a shopping addiction. To me it was without a doubt linked to my personal feelings of having, no value and worth and being so rigidly controlled as a child. Shopping gave me an undescribeable high that I wanted more and more of. But eventually this landed me in terrible debt more times than I care to admit.
I had a lot of pent up anger and ambivalent feelings toward my mother and would sometimes stop talking to her for years at a time. It was during these particular periods when my spending addictions were at their worst and greatly added to my already existing depression
Of course my eating disorder also played a part in my depression. The eating disorder wreaked havoc with my energy levels and emotions. I was always irritable and found it hard to keep up at work. I would have 2 more breakdowns as a result
By my 3 hospitalization I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on medication. I really struggle with that label. To me the diagnosis never really seemed to fit because none of the medications I was prescribed ever truly helped. I tried a number of different ones before I eventually gave up.
From what I’ve read, borderline personality disorder always seemed to me a much better fit. Both share common symptoms so I can see why there might be some confusion
i cant help but think of a common take on the word exagerate.. overblown. exagerated for sympathy , beyond justified…etc et . “don’t exagerate ”
enhanced… poteniated.
My Bipolar 1 depression has worsened living with my verbally abusive, non-compliant alcoholic Bipolar 2 sibling this year. Can’t move out due to this and immunity conditions. As we know, alcoholism is a progressive disease. With each booze fueled manic episode, and yes, we also know about the correlation between BP and alcohol abuse, his BP/drunken nastiness also increases. I choose to take meds and boy oh boy, that’s not fun. Surprised?! Still trialing but in my opinion, it’s a must. He has his meds for both, which work, minus yuck side effects yet isn’t “interested.” Yes, I’ve had counseling about his alcoholism, long passed enabling that or his BP, have had too many discussions when he’s ‘sober’, set boundaries etc. In addition to blocking his phone and email, I’m not just ‘stepping back’, I’m cutting him off. I’ve long known this will in most probability be the way he chooses to live out his days. He has for 12 or so years – his decision. This is my decision – to protect myself. This time round, he went too far in every way with focus to his vile verbal abuse. This will worsen. My cutting off also states this message – destructive behaviour destructs relationships. This is the consequence, one way I can best exercise my control of this dire situation. Done.
I don’t think I’ve every commented here before though I’ve been following you ‘forever’, with MUCH gratitude, but this post came at a time when I was especially open to it and needing it, too. Thank you, Natasha. I keep thinking I “shouldn’t” need to be told a damn thing about depression and its “ways” by now. I have been dealing – and, needless to say, both succeeding and failing alternatively – since my earliest childhood, and I will be 52 this year. THAT is one HELL of a lot of experience!
However, Depression is OUTSTANDINGLY diligent and talented at lying to us! It never stops! And so our need for support and for reminders, just like the ones in your post(s), never stop being necessary. Your reminder that the common symptom of the inability to feel pleasure, or that we may do so very rarely, was an incredibly important lightbulb moment for me today. Very much so! It hadn’t occurred to me until now how that symptom of my Depression had set me up to become so easily addicted to something that was detrimental to me, to my life, that I have been ashamed of allowing to happen. Online shopping. Which is another symptom, itself, of Bipolar II, I realize, but still…I have bitterly chastised myself for allowing myself to give in to the momentary pleasure / relief, repeatedly, when stressed, when fearful, when in pain…or when deeply, deeply depressed and wanting SOMETHING to look forward to. Not until NOW have I wondered how different things would have been IF i could feel OTHER pleasures…
I thank you AGAIN, Natasha! I know now how important it is that I make it a special mission to activities that GIVE ME PLEASURE AGAIN…no matter HOW WEIRD! LOL As long as they are NOT detrimental to my health or my bank account, or to my life in any other way, and that should put me at far less risk of falling prey to negative behaviours and unhealthy addictions in the future. Seems like a good enough plan to me. I know my therapist would approve. Indeed…I think this is what she has been TRYING to tell me to do…to find things that make me feel good that are healthy when she has spoken repeatedly of “self-care”, but those of us with and without Depression sometimes speak and hear different languages. Self-care? Really? You’re telling someone who has been depressed more often than not for about 50 years to “care about herself”! ROFL Does anyone else see why that might be a problem? A slight…um…language barrier issue???
Blessings…Steph
Yup. Absolutely. Our life experiences have shaped our misunderstanding of many things. The idea of meditation totally mystifies me. But I’m trying and hoping I can fake it til I make it.
Depression makes you more vulnerable as it is more difficult to get in touch with your feelings when you’re feeling depressed. You quickly feel overwhelmed as relativization seems impossible. Fortunately, there is always a way out! :)