Yesterday, I was asked how I know what is bipolar and what is me. As in, when I’m having a thought, emotion, or impulse, how do I know which of those things is coming from the bipolar disorder and which are genuinely me? This is not a simple question. The edges between me and the bipolar disorder are fuzzy. Bipolar disorder can be very loud and overtake my own voice. And while I’m sure I don’t get it right 100 percent of the time, I do know what is bipolar and what is me.

What Is Bipolar? Moods

Bipolar disorder is about turning up the dial up to 11 or down to -1. People without mental illness (“normals“) act, feel and think in between four and six as a general rule while popping up to seven or down to three, occasionally. (Some people spend more time in the upper end, and some people spend more time at the lower end. Personality and circumstances account for that.) In other words, they are happy, sad, or neither in moderation. If you didn’t have bipolar disorder, you would fall into this pattern too.

But bipolar disorder is not about moderation. Bipolar disorder is about extremes. Bipolar disorder finds people in a depression hanging out at -1 to two while those in a hypomania might be at an eight or nine, and those in a mania might be at a 10 or 11. Those mood states are illness states precisely because they are outside of the norm. So, when you look at a bipolar thought, feeling, or impulse, consider that it’s generally going to exist in one of those extreme states. Also, consider that the “you,” exclusive from bipolar disorder, doesn’t naturally exist in those extreme states.

What Is Me? Moods

While I’m an individual, I do know that I exist, aside from bipolar disorder, on a normal continuum of thoughts, feelings, and impulses. In other words, I’m in the four to six, occasional three and seven range too — just like everyone else. I think of this as my baseline.

For example, one day, I might feel down and want to watch Survivor Australia all day. Maybe I’m not horrendously sad. Maybe I just feel “off” and “grey” and like I don’t want to see anyone. Maybe this is just a three on the scale. Maybe that is just a lower-baseline day, and the next day will be different. Maybe that’s just me feeling down — but normal — that day.

On the other hand, I may have three weeks where I can barely get out of bed and can’t seem to think through a sentence. That might be a one on the scale. That’s bipolar asserting itself. When I feel like the worst person in the world and should die because of it, that’s not me talking; that’s bipolar.

Benefits of Knowing What Is Me and What Is Bipolar Moods

It’s critical to be able to look at your bipolar moods and make this kind of determination so you understand which of the thoughts and impulses that come with those moods are reasonable or unreasonable. This is because looking at a thought or impulse exclusive of mood may not tell you what you want to know. For example, when I was young, I became a skydiver. Wanting to skydive could very well be a sign of hypomania or mania. If you’ve never wanted anything like that before in your life and you’re terrified of heights, indeed, that impulse may very well be tied to bipolar disorder.

On the other hand, though, normals skydive all the time, and, in my case, it wasn’t a bipolar-related impulse — I, Natasha, just really wanted to skydive. I was actually starting to feel more stable at the time I decided to go. However, had I have looked at that impulse without understanding my mood at the time, I might not have thought that was a reasonable and baseline desire.

There are many other benefits to understanding what is you and what is your bipolar disorder too. For one, it lets you know what thoughts, feelings, and impulses to fight against. For example, depression is a very seductive and slippery mistress. It will make you believe that you are worthless scum. It won’t just be a thought you have; it’ll be a full-blown belief. But if you understand that you’re not in a baseline mood, if you understand that it’s the depression talking and not you, then you know to fight back. Then you know to tell the voice that’s whispering it in your ear to get lost. Then you know that if the false thoughts become too oppressive, you need help.

And it’s this way with everything. Once you understand your baseline mood, then you can start to understand your baseline thoughts. Once you understand your baseline mood and thoughts, you can start to understand your baseline feelings and then, finally, your baseline impulses. Then, every time a certain thought, feeling, or impulse comes up, you can label it as bipolar or not. Eventually, you’ll find that some things just “fit” you and others don’t. Those things will be the real you.

Complexities in Knowing What Is You and What Is Bipolar

Most of us know, though, there is more to bipolar disorder than mere depression, hypomania, and mania. Those may be the main mood states, but even when one of them isn’t officially present, bipolar effects can still be strongly felt. For example, you may struggle with extreme anxiety, even outside of a bipolar disorder mood episode. You’re going to have to learn how to tease out what relates to anxiety then, and it won’t be in direct relation to mood. Nonetheless, similar techniques can be employed.

The Problems with Knowing What Is Me and What Is Bipolar

Of course, an article like this makes it sound simple. It makes it sound like moods wear a number, and you can just look at the number and correlate it with conscious thoughts, feelings, and impulses, but, naturally, bipolar is not so simple. If it were, it wouldn’t be so difficult to manage. Not only is it hard to assess a mood adequately, it’s hard to be conscious of all your thoughts, feelings, and impulses. So, please know that if none of this is obvious to you, that’s okay. This stuff is really, really hard. Gaining insight into your condition and your own mind and brain is really, really hard.

That said, with practice, it gets easier. To be honest, all of our lives, we are figuring out who we are, and that goes for everyone, not just those with bipolar disorder. That said, bipolar disorder complicates things to a ridiculous degree. What I suggest is thoroughly track your moods while you’re getting the hang of it. That way, you have a daily, written reminder that a bipolar mood may be affecting your thoughts, feelings, and impulses. (Learn about mood tracking, here and here.) And make sure to consider your mood and your baseline when your brain starts sending out signals that are extreme. Extreme love, extreme hate, extreme anger, extreme anxiety — all of those things should make you suspicious.

Finally, give yourself some grace. You’re not always going to be able to draw a sharp line between you and the bipolar disorder and that’s okay. Just try your best and know that it will get easier and you will develop the skill over time.

Good on you for starting the journey of insight. Knowing what’s you and what’s the bipolar is worth it.